Shrugs Jokes
107 shrugs jokes and hilarious shrugs puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about shrugs that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Shrugs Short Jokes
Short shrugs jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The shrugs humour may include short sighs jokes also.
- I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!" He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad." I continued... "It's cutting hedge technology!"
- Two nuts are sitting next to each other at the asylum. One turns to the other and says, "Why are we all here?" Other nut shrugs his shoulders and replies, "'Cuz we're not all there."
- Person 1: For the last time, it's not "reverse gravity", it's called BUOYANCY Person 2: *shrugs* Whatever floats your boat
- I went to a fancy restaurant last night and a man was complaining about his escargot. The waiter just shrugged it off. "I'm sorry sir," the waiter told him. "All snails are final."
- Journalist to Abused Wife Journalist : Do you know what your husband does in his free time ?
Wife : *shrugs* beats me. - A concerned friend asks a guy why he just endures his marriage with an abusive spouse. He just shrugged it off and says, "beats me."
- What did Obi-Wan Kenobi say when he heard Anakin had joined the dark side? (shrugs)
"Well, Sith happens" - It is claimed that Trump thought Finland was controlled by Russia Finnish officials shrugged and said they thought the same was true of Trump
- A father decided to cancel his surgery. "Don't you want to get rid of that tumor?" His children asked, to which he just shrugged at.
"Its growing on me." - A woman asks her friend How do you know if your husband is abusive?
She shrugs and replies.... beats me
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Shrugs One Liners
Which shrugs one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with shrugs? I can suggest the ones about smirks and shucks.
- I did some shrugs in the gym. After someone asked me, "What are you doing here?"
- Did you hear about the apathetic man who died? It was a shrug overdose
- I asked Rihanna where Chris Brown was She just shrugged her shoulders.
"Beats me!" - Reporter- What excercise do you use to make your traps bigger? Bodybuilder- shrugs
- What's the best way to work your trapezius muscles? *shrugs*
- An old man is asked if he wears boxers or briefs. He shrugs and says "Depends."
- I get most of my daily exercise from shrugging.
- How do you get rugs to be quiet? (shrugs)
- "I just don't think a complete free market would promote equality", Atlas Shrugged
- I asked my dench friend how to work out my trapezius muscles.... But he just shrugged.
- What does a strong shoulder do when it doesn't know how to get any stronger? Shrugs.
- How do you tell a carpet to be quiet? **sh*rug*
- How do you stretch your back? "I don't know."
**shrugs* - Me: "So bro, what do you think Ayn Rand looked like n**...?" Atlas: *shrugs*
Cheeky Shrugs Jokes to Experience Good Cheer & Frivolity
What funny jokes about shrugs you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean nods jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make shrugs pranks.
3 Men walk into a bar.
They all walk into the bathroom. 1 guy comes out and the bartender ask "What where you guys doing in the bathroom?" The man said "blowin bubbles." The bartender just shrugs. The second man comes out and the bartender ask "What are you and your friends doing in the bathroom?" The man said "Blowin bubbles!" the bartender wondered but also shrugged it off. The third man walks out and the bartender says "Let me guess, your blowin bubbles?" The man hesitated and then said "No sir, I am bubbles."
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man are hired at a construction site...
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy "You're in charge of shoveling." He points to the Scotsman and tells him "You're in charge of sweeping." and then he turns to the Chinese guy and says "You're in charge of supplies."
The foreman then shrugs his shoulders and says "Now, I have to leave for a bit, when I get back I expect you guys to make a good dent in that pile of sand." A few hours later when the foreman returns, he finds that the pile has not been touched.
Pointing to the pile of said the foreman demands the Italian, "Why didn't you shovel any of it?" The Scotsman I gotta no shovel. You tella the Chinese guy he inna charge of a supplies but he-a disappeara and coulda no finda him!"
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and yells, "Didn't I tell you to sweep up that sand?" The Scotsman replies in heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did laddie, but I couldna get meself a broom. Ya left the Chinee in charge o' the supplies, but I couldna find him?"
So now the foreman is incredibly furious and he storms off towards the pile of sand in search of the Chinese man. Just then, the Chinese man jumps out from behind the sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!"
A rope walks into a bar.
The bartender says "Get out of here! We don't serve ropes here!"
So the rope heads around the block, walks up to a stranger and says "Hey, can you tie me in a knot?" Stranger shrugs and does it.
The rope hangs out a little longer, till a lady walks by and he asks "Hey, could you fray my ends a bit?" Woman thinks it's weird, but does it anyway.
So the rope goes back into the bar. The bartender says "Hey, aren't you the rope I just kicked out of here?"
"No," answers the rope. "I'm a frayed knot."
I don't know.
Jane and Mary are eating lunch together when, out of the blue, Jane asks what the circumference of the Earth is.
Mary shrugs and says, "No sé."
Jane gives her a funny look and asks, "What does that mean?" to which Mary replies "I don't know."
Jane, flabbergasted, says, "Don't say it if you don't know what it means!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So there's this married couple...
They've been married for many years, and like a lot of married folk, they have a few inside jokes that they've come up with while married. A special one of these was calling s**..., "doing the laundry."
So, one night, the husband, Fred, says to his wife Joanne, "Hey, lets do some laundry," while giving her a sly look. She says oh, my back hurts, I have a headache, etc. And Fred just shrugs and continues. Joanne calls back to Fred a few minutes later, "You know what, I'm feeling better. Let's do some laundry." Fred replies, "It was a small load, I did it myself."
I'll be here all night
My 2nd Parrot joke!
A woman goes to a pet store and buys a parrot. Before she leaves the owner warns her that the Parrot had previously lived in a brothel and might have picked up some salty language. When she gets the bird home he looks around and says "New house."
She puts the bird down in the house and the parrot observes her for a moment before saying "New Madam."
The woman shrugs and thinks that it's not so bad.
Shortly after the woman's two daughters return from school and see the new pet. The Parrot looks at them and says "New girls."
Then her husband comes home from work and the parrot looks over at him and says: "Hi Bill."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
a child is walking with a stick
when another kid walks up to him and start picking on him. "your stick is s**... and you're ugly!". the child shrugs his shoulders and asks "you know how they say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder?". "yeah, so what?" responds the kid. the child flashes a grin, looks the kid straight in the eyes and whispers "my sticks name is beauty"
A mother and a father are standing over their newborn baby.
The father looks to the mother and says. "He's quite big down there, Isn't he?" The wife shrugs and says "Yeah. At least he inherited your eyes."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This is a classic Deaf joke.
Three men are on a train: One Cuban, one Russian and one Deaf man. The Cuban is smoking a huge cigar, but half way through it throws it out the window. The Russian and the Deaf man exclaim about him wasting the beautiful cigar, but he just shrugs and says, "Eh, we have *plenty* of cigars back home."
The the Russian take out a handle of v**... and begins slugging it back, but with half of it finished, turns and tosses it out the window. 'Why woulf you waste such good v**...!" the Deaf man and the Cuban exclaim. "Psh, we have *plenty* of v**... back home."
Then the Deaf man says, "Okay, one minute," and walks off. The Russian and the Cuban look at each other in confusion and shrug, waiting for the Deaf man to return. He does, but he's dragging a man with him. Struggling, he finally tosses the man out the window. The other two yell, "Why would you do that?!! You just killed him!" The Deaf man shrugs and says, "Oh, we have *plenty* of hearing people back home.
A Canadian in New York
A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Canadian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Canuck just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks... like I said, my boy's a typical Canadian baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW" were heard.
Two weeks later the Canadian returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Canadian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you. So how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Canadian father takes a slow swig from his Molson beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised".
A man enters a flower shop...
and says..."I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs, "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... Math So a 54 year old man cheats on his wife and leaves her a note saying that he has been sleeping with an 18 year...
So a 54 year old man cheats on his wife and leaves her a note saying that he has been sleeping with an 18 year.
The 54 year old wife reads the note, shrugs and writes one of her own.
When her husband gets home he reads the note, it says:
I know that you've been cheating on me with an 18 year old, but I have an 18 year old of my own and we all know 18 goes into 54 far more than 54 goes into 18.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jewish guy goes to his rabbi . . .
. . . he asks, "I don't get it. If we're the chosen people, why did God make the goys?"
The rabbi shrugs and say, "Hey . . . somebody's gotta pay retail."
So a blonde cop pulls over a blonde driver...
The blonde cop says "I need to see your license". The blonde driver digs through her purse for awhile, and says "I can't find it. What does it look like?".
So the cop, making a rectangle with her hands, says "it's rectangular, and has your picture on it". The blonde driver searches through her purse but can't find it. She finally comes up with the only rectangular item, a small mirror.
She looks at it, shrugs, and hands it to the blonde cop. The blonde cop looks at it, shrugs, and hands it back to the blonde driver. "Oh, you can go" the blonde cop says.
"I didn't realize you were a cop".
Two medical students are about to witness an autopsy for the first time...
One asks the other, "What do you think it'll be like?"
The other student shrugs and says, "Remains to be seen".
The Science Teacher
A teacher walks by a lab table when a student turns to him and complains, "There's water all over my lab table!"
The teacher looks back at the table to see tape over the lab faucet and says, "It looks like one idiot taped the sink faucet, and another idiot turned the faucet on."
The student looks around sheepishly, and mutters "I wonder who that idiot was..."
The teacher looks back at the student and asks, "Was that idiot you?"
The student shrugs and says "Well yea, I wanted to see what happened."
The teacher looks thoughtfully at the faucet for a moment, before turning it on, watching water spray across the table.
The student looks back at the teacher, "Doesn't that make you an idiot too?"
The teacher looks at him and says, "No, I have a degree in science, we call that a scientific inquiry."
New prison guard on the beat...
... and while he's making his rounds with his partner he hears an inmate shout "38!" and everyone chuckles.
A while later another inmate yells "13!" and there's uproarious laughter.
So the new guy asks his partner what's going on. "Oh that? These guys have been here so long, they all know the same jokes by now. Save time, just give 'em a number." New guy shrugs and they continue on their way.
Well, a third inmate yells "26!"
Nothing. Not a peep.
The older guard turns to the new guy and says "yeah... some guys just can't tell a joke."
[it's one of my favorites]
Good Sound
An mp3 file was relaxing on his couch at home, when his wife comes up to him.
Wife: "Honey, could you explain this charge for $600?"
Mp3: "Oh, thats for a new set of headphones."
Wife: "For $600??? How could you spend that much?"
Mp3: "But the sound quality is really good!"
Wife: "SO YOU SPENT $600 FOR GOOD SOUND??"
Mp3 shrugs his shoulders. "What can I say? I'm an audiophile"
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at
25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks... like I said… my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy."
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks; so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whiskey, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly say, "had him circumcised."
A duck walks into a hardware store...
He asks the clerk, "Do you got any grapes?"
The clerk looks at the duck confused and says "Well, no this is a hardware store."
The duck shrugs it off and leaves.
The next day the duck returns to the hardware store, looks around and asks the clerk, "Do you got any grapes?"
The clerk kind of irritated asks the duck to leave, as there are obviously no grapes being sold at a hardware store. Ever.
Lo and behold the following day the duck enters the same hardware store and asks the clerk "Do you have any grapes?"
The clerk, having had enough of this tells the duck, "If you ever set foot in this hardware store asking for grapes again, I'm going to staple your beak shut!"
The duck leaves, only to come walking right back in moments later and asks, "Do you have any staples?"
The clerk looks at the staples shelf, "Hmmm, sorry we are all out"
The duck looks at the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Princess Frog
A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great s**... for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.
A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great s**... for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.
Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great s**... for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?"
"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for s**....... But a talking frog is pretty neat."
A (Smart) Blonde Offers Collateral For A Loan...
A blonde woman walks into a Manhattan bank and says she'd like to take out a $5,000 loan since she will be vacationing to Europe. When the banker asks what she will be using as collateral, she points to her brand new Bentley. The banker is surprised, but agrees. She leaves, and he laughs; who uses such an expensive car as collateral for such a small loan? But he shrugs it off and parks the car in the banks garage. Three weeks later, the woman returns to the bank. He retrieves her car and she pays back the $5,000 plus $14.00 in interest. As she goes to leave, the man decides he has to ask. "Ma'am," he says, "why in the world would you use a $100,000 as collateral for a $5,000 loan?" She smiles and replies "where else can I park for three weeks in Manhattan for $14?"
The Philosophical Defense Mechanism
The leopard crouches to pounce the gazelle.
The gazelle says, Are you sure you want to eat me?
Leopard pauses. Uh, why wouldn't i?
"Well, I mean, is this what you want to be doing with your life? Do you see yourself doing this in five years?"
"What do you mean? if I eat you now, you won't be here in five years." says the leopard.
The gazelle shrugs. Don't you have goals? Aspirations? 'Eating Gazelle' is setting the bar pretty minimally. Don't you want cubs?
"I… gee. Maybe write a screenplay…" The leopard sits down and sighs. "Look, I'm between opportunities right now, I'm in my mom's den. What can I offer a mate?"
"No, I understand, What went wrong?"
"Well I-"
The gazelle runs away.
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar...
...and each take a seat and order a beer. When the Englishman gets his beer, he sees a fly floating in it, and politely asks for a different brew. The Scotsman, intrigued by this, looks into his beer and also notices a fly in it. He shrugs and picks it out. When the Irishman's beer arrives, also containing one fly, he's had enough. He picks up the fly, holds it very close to his mouth, and says...
"Spit it out, lad, spit it all out!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Obsolete Technologies
A man is sitting in a recliner watching television when he asks his wife to pass the newspaper.
She starts barking at him,"Why don't you learn how to use this iPad? You're never going to get better at technology if you don't start using it for some of the simple things."
Considering his lovely angel's request, the man shrugs his shoulders and says, "Okay, why not."
A second later... SMASH!!!
That f**...' spider never even saw it coming.
props to /u/mongreloid , with minor editing from myself
Italian and a Rabbi are riding on a train together...
They get acquainted, and at one point the Italian takes some sausage out of his bag and offers some to his companion.
Rabbi asks, "Is it made from pork?"
"Yes", replies the Italian.
"Well then, I can't eat it. It's not kosher. God's law."
The Italian shrugs and eats the sausage, then pulls out a bottle of wine, offering some.
Rabbi looks at the bottle and says, "It's not kosher, I can't drink it. God's law."
Italian says, "Wow your god is strict. What if there was nothing kosher around to eat or drink?"
Rabbi replies, "Well, he makes exceptions in situations of life and death."
With that, the Italian points a gun at the rabbi and says, "Drink the wine or I'll blow your head off!!"
Rabbi grabs the bottle, and with a very annoyed look on his face, downs the rest of it.
"Please don't be upset with me. I just wanted you to have some wine", says the Italian.
Rabbi says, "Of course I'm upset! Where was the gun when you had some sausage left?!?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A newlywed wife makes her husband pay her a dollar before they have s**....
The husband shrugs and forks it over. This continues throughout the marriage; every time they have s**..., he has to pay her a buck.
The husband comes home one day many years later, earlier than usual, and informs the wife that he's lost his job, and he's unsure how they will continue. His wife shows him a bank statement with an account holding over $500,000. "Where did you get this?" he asks. "Remember that dollar you paid me ever time you wanted to have s**...? It added up over the years." The husband begins sobbing loudly, and the wife is mystified. "Why are you crying? We're saved!", she says. He replies, "If only I'd brought you ALL my business!"
A client just thanked me profusely for curing his erectile dysfunction.
-shrugs- It wasn't hard.
Bob and Jim in Paris
Two Americans, Bob and Jim, are on vacation in Paris. They're walking down the street, when a car pulls up, slamming on the brakes. The driver leans out.
"Parlez vous Francais?"
Bob looks at Jim and shrugs.
"Habla Español?"
The two men just stare.
"Parli Italiano?"
No answer. The man throws his hands up and then drives away.
They walk on a bit farther, and then Bob says to Jim, "You know, we should learn another language."
"Why?" Jim asks. "That guy knew three languages and it didn't do him any good!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A maid asks for a raise
A maid asks for a raise from the queen.
"Give me three good reasons to give you a raise." the queen demands.
"Well, I cook better than you." Astounded by the answer, the queen asks, "Who told you that?"
The maid replies with, "Your husband told me that.".
The queen is unhappy, but shrugs it off and asks for another reason.
"I'm a better cleaner than you are." The queen is unhappy again and asks who told the maid this. "Your husband told me that." The queen is now unhappy and asks for a final reason to give a raise.
The maid says, "I'm better in bed than you." The queen's jaw drops open and asks "DON'T TELL ME MY HUSBAND TOLD YOU THAT DID HE?".
The maid replies calmly with, "No, the driver did."
The queen curses quietly, "Shhh. Keep it down, its 25% okay?"
Husband and wife are in bed one night...
when the doorbell rings. The wife says "I'll get it" and goes downstairs and opens the door and it's the next door neighbor. Neighbor whispers "look, I'll give you a hundred bucks if you just open your robe for me..." so the woman shrugs and opens her robe for a few seconds and the neighbor smiles and gives the woman a hundred dollar bill. Wife gets back in bed and husband goes "who was it?" And the wife says "oh it was just the neighbor." And the husband goes, "did he give you the hundred bucks that he owes me?"
An old-timer told me this so it can't be that fresh but I had never heard it and thought it was good.
Another bar joke
A man is sitting at the bar drinking a beer. He hears "nice suit". He looks around, but there is nobody near him. He shrugs it off, takes another sip. He hears "nice shoes too!" Startled, he looks around again this time searching for hidden cameras, or a television or some explanation for the voice. Still nothing. A few minutes pass and he forgets about it again going back to his beer. He then hears "you're very handsome". A little unnerved he asks the bartender "man, I don't want to sound strange, but I swear I keep hearing this voice talk to me..." the bartender replies nonchalantly "complimentary peanuts".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three vampires are bragging to each other...
The first says "Watch this." leaves, and is back in an instant, mouth covered in blood. He points at a villager and says "You see that villager? s**... him dry."
The second, impressed, but not willing to be outdone, leaves and returns just as fast as the first, blood covering her mouth, neck and cheeks. She points and says "You see that town? Bone dry, no survivors."
The third shrugs and says "That's nothing, watch this." He's barely gone a fraction of a second before he's back with a face completely covered in blood. The first vampire asks "What did you do?" The third vampire replied "You see that pole?"
"Yeah?"
"I didn't"
A fortune teller walks up to a boy on the street.
Hey, I have a joke for you, she says.
The boy shrugs. Ok.
The fortune teller smiles.
Cancer, she says.
Cancer? the boy asks. He frowns. If that's your joke, I don't get it.
Don't worry, the fortune teller says, and starts to walk away, You will when you're older.
Why are Boy Scouts safest when travelling with a senior?
They'll always have dry wood on hand to start a fire
- this came to me in a dream... maybe it should have stayed there? *shrugs*
Blonde goes ice fishing
A blonde decides to go ice fishing. She makes a hole in the ice and starts fishing.
Suddenly a voice from above says: There are no fish here.
Startled, the blonde looks around but doesn't see anybody. She shrugs and continues.
After a while the voice comes again: There are no fish here.
The blonde looks up and asks, Lord? Is that you?
The voice replies,"No, this is the ice-skating rink's maintenance manager. Seriously, there are no fish here.
A German and a Swiss are arguing about who's country is better...
The German, clearly annoyed, asks the Swiss
"So what's so great about Switzerland?" The Swiss shrugs, simply saying.
"Well, the flag is a big plus."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is driving with his wife and a small child when a cop pulls them over.
A man is driving with his wife and a small child. A cop pulls them over and makes the man take a breathalyzer test. See, the cop says, you are drunk. The man protests that the breathalyzer must be broken and invites the cop to test his wife. She also registers as drunk. Exasperated, the man invites the cop to test his child. When the child registers drunk as well, the cop shrugs, says, Yes, perhaps it is broken, and sends them on their way.
As they drive off, the man turns to his wife and says, See, I told you it wouldn't hurt to give the kid a couple of shots of v**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Russian family gets pulled over...
A man is driving with his wife and small child. A militiaman pulls them over and makes the man take a breathalyzer test. See, the militiaman says, you're drunk. The man protests that the breathalyzer must be broken and invites the cop to test his wife. She also registers as drunk. Exasperated, the man invites the cop to test his child. When the child registers drunk as well, the cop shrugs and says Yes, perhaps it is broken, and sends them on their way. Out of earshot the man tells his wife, See, I told you is wouldn't hurt to give the kid five grams of v**....
There is a man drowning 100 feet from shore and is crying for help.......
A Democrat shows up and throws him 200 feet of rope. The excess rope weighs the victim down and he drowns.
A Republican shows up and throws out 50 feet of rope and demands that the victim take some responsibility for himself and swim to the rope. He can't and drowns.
A libertarian shows up and shrugs it isn't my problem and just goes away; the victim drowns.
A bunch of Tea Party types show up. One throws the victim a heavy rock; the victim drowns and all of the tea partiers cheer.
A Green Party member shows up. He yells at the victim for polluting the water. The victim drowns.
A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"
The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"
"Two years," says the man.
"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the doctor.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A t**... tells the s**... bomber they shouldn't attack the Statue of Liberty, because she's "too easy" ...
The bomber shrugs and replies "Eh, I'd still bang"
A Latin student asks his teacher a question.
The student asks, "What's the Latin word for 'he wears'?"
The teacher shrugs and says, "Gessit."
Two toothpicks are hanging out in a forest,
... when all of a sudden they see a hedgehog passing by. So, one of them shrugs and goes like, "Hm, I didn't even know they had public transportation here."
[my gf's fav joke, literal translation from German]
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A bunch of sausages are smoking around a poker table
A bunch of sausages are smoking around a poker table. Suddenly the door slams open and a salami walks in.
"You look parched my friend, would you like a drink?" Asks one of the sausages.
"No thankyou" says the salami "I don't drink".
"Join us for a smoke then" replies another of the sausages
"No thankyou" replies the salami. "Not for me".
"Well you must have some reason for being here?" Asks the third sausage.
The salami looks around and sheepishly shrugs. "Sorry, wrong door. Like you guys I used to be a heavy s**... and hooked on a poker, but I'm cured now.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Trump, Putin and Merkel are taking a walk along the Hamburg harbour...
...during the G20 summit. In an attempt to show off the technology and military strength of his country, Trump brags: "Our submarines are the best. The greatest. They're huge. They can stay underwater for 1 month without surfacing!"
Putin just shrugs and grumbles, "Is nothing. Russian submarine technology make for 5 months under water..."
Just as Merkel is about to say her piece on the matter, the three of them are startled by the water next to them bubbling and splashing as they see a big submarine emerge from the depths. With loud squealing the top hatch opens, a man climbs out and shouts: "Heil h**..., wir brauchen Diesel!"
A young boy asks his grandfather
A young boy asks his grandfather:
"What's the most common English expression?"
The Grandfather, full of wisdom, says, "I love baseball and apple pie."
Puzzled, the boy shrugs it off and continues.
"So, what's the most common German expression?"
Without skipping a beat, the Grandfather says, "David Hasselhoff is the best."
The boy wrinkles his nose in disbelief, but presses on.
"OK then, what's the most common French expression?"
Suddenly, the Grandfather stops. He looks worried. He hesitates, wringing his hands in concentration. He begins to speak, but can't get the words out. His confidence gone, he quietly mutters...
"I give up."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three women were bragging about their boyfriends...
The first one proudly declares, my boyfriend is so k**..., he stuck his whole arm inside of me, The second girl shrugs her off and exclaims "that's nothing, my boyfriend once stuck his whole head inside me! The third one seemingly unimpressed states, "thats nothing compared to mine" as she spreads her legs and yells "BABE COME OUT OF THERE"
If 7,00,000 people die in hospitals every year
Why don't we just shut down all the hospitals?
*Shrugs*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Father, I must confess I've been having s**... with two gorgeous models everyday for the past month.
Father: Well, as a good catholic I can't condone this behaviour.
Man: I'm Jewish
Father: What are you telling me for then?
Man: *shrugs* I'm telling everybody.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man gets into a taxi...
... and asks the driver "Hey, can I help you steer?"
"Are you serious?" the cabbie replies.
"Yes but don't worry, I have my own steering wheel" the man says and takes an actual steering wheel out of his briefcase.
The cabbie shrugs but takes the fare. As they drive, the passenger turns his steering wheel in sync with the cabbie's, making it look like there are two drivers.
Just as another driver notices this curious sight, the man violently jerks the steering wheel in his direction, causing him to c**... into a light post.
"What did you do that for??" the taxi driver yells.
"Well, someone pulled the same joke on me and this steering wheel is all I have left."
A guest calls the waiter and complains, How come there are no chairs at our table?!
The waiter shrugs, I'm sorry but you only booked one table…
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy is walking, carrying a no-legged d**... in his arms.
A lady stops him:
What a cute dog! , she exclaims gleefully.. What's his name?
He doesn't have one , the guy replies. The lady is bewildered.
Oh, no! Poor thing... how come you didn't name him?
The guy shrugs.
If I'd call him, he wouldn't come anyway
A couple mountainsclimbers where walking on a glacier.
One says too the other:"look my tour guide fell in that ravine last time I was up here". The other mountainclimber looks perplexed. "Why do you mention that so casually"? The first mountainclimber shrugs and says:"well it was already missing a couple pages".
Five numbers walk into a bar...
... A Natural number (6), an Integer (-2), a Rational (1/2), a Real (e) and a Complex number (1-i) walk into a bar.
The first four clutch their heads in pain, but 1-i keeps going.
When -2 asks him how he walked through it, he shrugs and replies
"I'm imaginary".
A pastor walked outside.....
A pastor walked outside of the church because he heard the children being loud. He sees the kids all grouped up. "What are you doing?" The children make the circle wider to show a puppy they had found. "Its a beautiful dog, who will take it home?" The pastor asks. The children look at each other until one of them speaks up. "I know! Whoever tells the biggest lie can take it home! Would you like to play pastor?" The pastor shrugs his shoulders and says, "I don't know, it will be hard because I've never told a lie." The child picks the dog up and hands it to the pastor, "Here you go. You win."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An art student and a time traveller walk into a bar.
The art student takes a seat, looking pretty down.
The time traveller asks "Whats wrong?"
"I just got kicked out of art school" He repiles "Say, hows the art scene in the future?"
The time traveller shrugs and says "Eh. Its pretty terrible all things considered."
The art student quickly responds "Well. Hows the political scene?"
"Oh, its great."
The art student stands up, dusting himself off. "Well. I've minored in politics. I'm gonna go get myself somewhere d**...! OR MY NAME ISNT ADOLF h**...!" He yells as he leaves.
Student asks teacher how he feels about the new year starting tomorrow.
Teacher shrugs his shoulders and says, "S'cool."
Joke I heard from a 109 year old Holocaust survivor
A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A fisherman is sitting on a river bank. Suddenly, he hears somebody shout 'F*c**... off!' in the distance.
Ten minutes later he hears the same shout 'F*c**... off!!!!!', but a bit closer. The fisherman shrugs his shoulders having no idea of what's going on.
Another ten minutes later when he has already forgotten about the strange shout, he sees a boat with a man rowing up the river… with spoons. So the fisherman asked:
- Hey! Why are you rowing with spoons? Take the oars!
- F*c**... off!!!!!!!!!!
A mom tells her son a joke. The son is so embarrassed.
Son says "Mom, please don't make anymore jokes. You really can't make them."
Mom shrugs and replies, "Well- I did make you."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A WWII veteran goes to a doctor's appointment
An old veteran sits down in the doctor's office for his check up. As usual, the doctor goes through the necessary questions.
"Okay," says the doc, "when's the last time you were s**... active?"
"1946," says the veteran.
"Oh. It's been a while, huh?"
The veteran shrugs and checks his watch. "Not really. It's only 2135."
A woman walks into a butcher shop...
"Excuse me," she says. "But I bought these sausages here yesterday and, well, the middle is fine, but both ends are made of sawdust."
The butcher shrugs. "Sometimes it's hard to make ends meat."
\----------------------
The very next day, the butcher is feeling overwhelmed. He accidentally backs into his meat grinder.
He got a little behind in his work.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The t**... says "Give me money or I shoot the girl"
The family looks at each other and the boy says, "Does this mean I get her car?"
The mother says "I thought we weren't bringing work home, dear."
And the father shrugs and says, "He's doing this for free. I don't know the guy."
Then the t**... gives up and says, "this family is more messed up than me."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman with hairy armpits enters a bar..
She sits at the end of the bar and raises her arm to call the bartender and a drunkard would say, "Hey, bartender.. give the ballerina a beer on me.."
This happened two more times and the bartender finally asks, "Tell me, I'm curious.. What makes you say that the woman at the end of the bar is a ballerina? "
The drunkard shrugs and says, "Any woman that could lift her leg that high must be a ballerina."
I'm majoring in reverse psychology...
... and I ask my advisor if I should take on a second major in reverse engineering. She says
"I don't know about that, sounds pretty difficult."
I think for a second and decide, "I'll do it!"
She shrugs and says, "Alright, don't say I didn't warn you." With that, she opens a desk drawer and pulls out a BS in Reverse Engineering diploma with my name already on it. She slides it over to me and says
"Good luck figuring out how to earn it."
A little stunned, I say "Uh thanks. But how do you have this diploma with my name on it when I only now brought this up?"
"My second major was reverse history."
So an old guy is walking in the woods
He hears a voice "Hey mister!". He looks down and there's a frog on the ground. "Hey mister" says the frog "kiss me and I'll turn into a beautiful princess and make love to you all night long!" The old guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket and walks on. The frog says "Hey mister, maybe you didn't understand me. I said I'm a beautiful princess, kiss me and I'll make love to you all night long." The old man shrugs, says "Eh, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog." and walks on.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is driving with his wife and small child
A militia man pulls them over and makes the man take a breathalyzer test. "See," the militia man says, "you're drunk."
The man protests that the breathalyzer must be broken and invites the cop to test his wife. She also registers as drunk.
Exasperated, the man invites the cop to test his child.
When the child registers drunk as well, the cop shrugs, says, "Yes, perhaps it is broken, and sends them on their way.
Out of earshot the man tells his wife, "See, I told you it wouldn't hurt to give the kid a shot of v**....
A Jewish Man, Killed in the Holocaust, Rises to Heaven. Once there, he Tells God a Holocaust Joke.
God contemplates the joke briefly before echoing out in a thunderous voice:
THAT'S NOT FUNNY!
The man simply shrugs:
I guess you had to be there.
Don't have a clue
So I usually hear this joke in another language but let's see how it's received in English.
A foreigner is traveling in the city. He asks a guy on a nearby bench "excuse me, what time is it?" The guy shrugs and says "I don't have a clue".
So he asks another guy sitting nearby, "excuse me, do you know what time it is?" To which the other man responds "sorry, don't have a clue either".
So he keeps walking. Eventually, the traveler gets stopped by someone else who asks him, "excuse me, sir, do you happen to have the time?"
To which he responds, "I'm sorry, my clue is broken".
