The Best 56 Shrugs Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Shrugs jokes. There are some shrugs grins jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these shrugs tells puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Shrugs Jokes and Puns
A rabbi and a priest walk into a playground....
and a little boy walks by. The priest taps the rabbi on the shoulder and says, "I'm going to screw that little boy." The rabbi holds up his hands, shrugs, and says, "Out of what?"
I don't know.
Jane and Mary are eating lunch together when, out of the blue, Jane asks what the circumference of the Earth is.
Mary shrugs and says, "No sé."
Jane gives her a funny look and asks, "What does that mean?" to which Mary replies "I don't know."
Jane, flabbergasted, says, "Don't say it if you don't know what it means!"
Two nuts are sitting next to each other at the asylum. One turns to the other and says, "Why are we all here?"
Other nut shrugs his shoulders and replies, "'Cuz we're not all there."
a child is walking with a stick
when another kid walks up to him and start picking on him. "your stick is stupid and you're ugly!". the child shrugs his shoulders and asks "you know how they say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder?". "yeah, so what?" responds the kid. the child flashes a grin, looks the kid straight in the eyes and whispers "my sticks name is beauty"
What will the neighbors think?
With summer getting sunnier a woman asks her husband:
"What do you think: should I go sunbathing in the nude in the backyard?"
The husband just shrugs and says:"Do as you like."
The woman replies: "What do you think the neighbors will say if they see me sunbathing like that?"
The husband replies:"They'll probably think I married you for the money."
A mother and a father are standing over their newborn baby.
The father looks to the mother and says. "He's quite big down there, Isn't he?" The wife shrugs and says "Yeah. At least he inherited your eyes."
A man enters a flower shop...
and says..."I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs, "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
Sexy Math Time
So a 54 year old man cheats on his wife and leaves her a note saying that he has been sleeping with an 18 year.
The 54 year old wife reads the note, shrugs and writes one of her own.
When her husband gets home he reads the note, it says:
I know that you've been cheating on me with an 18 year old, but I have an 18 year old of my own and we all know 18 goes into 54 far more than 54 goes into 18.
A monk walks up to a hot-dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
~~~
So he pays for his meal and asks for his change.
The vendor shrugs and retorts smugly, "Change comes from within."
A Jewish man gets hit by a car...
in the back of the ambulance on the way to the hospital the paramedic asks "are you comfortable?"
the Jewish man shrugs. "I make a living."
Guy sits down at a diner
He is looking at the menu deciding what he wants when the person next to him orders a double cheeseburger. The waitress takes the order and pulls two frozen burger patties from the freezer. She sticks one under each armpit.
The guy asks what she is doing. She shrugs and says "defrosting the meat". The guy thinks for a minute and says "I'll have the hot dog".
You can explore shrugs turns reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean shrugs aback dad jokes. There are also shrugs puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A retired priest and a retired rabbi are friends in a reitrement home...
One day, the priest says to his rabbi friend, "Tell me, honestly, have you ever tried bacon?" The rabbi shrugs and says "Yes, in my youth, I gave into temptation and I had bacon, but tell me my friend, have you ever had sex?" The priest shrugs and says "I too, in my youth, gave into temptation." The rabbi leans over and smiles "Admit it, it's better than bacon."
Two medical students are about to witness an autopsy for the first time...
One asks the other, "What do you think it'll be like?"
The other student shrugs and says, "Remains to be seen".
A Man Goes Into A Pharmacy
And asks for birth control for his wife and seven year old daugher.
The pharmacist, shocked, exclaims "You're seven year old daughter is sexually active?!"
And the man just shrugs and says "Nah, she just lays there"
Good Sound
An mp3 file was relaxing on his couch at home, when his wife comes up to him.
Wife: "Honey, could you explain this charge for $600?"
Mp3: "Oh, thats for a new set of headphones."
Wife: "For $600??? How could you spend that much?"
Mp3: "But the sound quality is really good!"
Wife: "SO YOU SPENT $600 FOR GOOD SOUND??"
Mp3 shrugs his shoulders. "What can I say? I'm an audiophile"
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar...
...and each take a seat and order a beer. When the Englishman gets his beer, he sees a fly floating in it, and politely asks for a different brew. The Scotsman, intrigued by this, looks into his beer and also notices a fly in it. He shrugs and picks it out. When the Irishman's beer arrives, also containing one fly, he's had enough. He picks up the fly, holds it very close to his mouth, and says...
"Spit it out, lad, spit it all out!"
Two canibals are having a meal . . .
One looks at the other and says, "Man I hate my mother-in-law!"
The second one shrugs and replies, "Then try some of the potatoes."
A client just thanked me profusely for curing his erectile dysfunction.
-shrugs- It wasn't hard.
A maid asks for a raise
A maid asks for a raise from the queen.
"Give me three good reasons to give you a raise." the queen demands.
"Well, I cook better than you." Astounded by the answer, the queen asks, "Who told you that?"
The maid replies with, "Your husband told me that.".
The queen is unhappy, but shrugs it off and asks for another reason.
"I'm a better cleaner than you are." The queen is unhappy again and asks who told the maid this. "Your husband told me that." The queen is now unhappy and asks for a final reason to give a raise.
The maid says, "I'm better in bed than you." The queen's jaw drops open and asks "DON'T TELL ME MY HUSBAND TOLD YOU THAT DID HE?".
The maid replies calmly with, "No, the driver did."
The queen curses quietly, "Shhh. Keep it down, its 25% okay?"
What's the best way to work your trapezius muscles?
*shrugs*
A fortune teller walks up to a boy on the street.
Hey, I have a joke for you, she says.
The boy shrugs. Ok.
The fortune teller smiles.
Cancer, she says.
Cancer? the boy asks. He frowns. If that's your joke, I don't get it.
Don't worry, the fortune teller says, and starts to walk away, You will when you're older.
A polar bear walks into a bar.
The bartender asks what he'll have.
The bear says "I guess I'll have a................beer."
The bartender asks "Why the big pause?"
The polar shrugs. "I don't know, I was born with 'em."
A Panda walks into a bar..
and asks the bartender if he can get a scotch...
.....
...and coke.
The bartender replies "Sure thing, but why the big pause?"
The Panda shrugs, lifts up his hands, and says "Was born with them."
A reporter is interviewing a 110-year-old man
... And asks him his secret to longevity. "It's simple," the man replies, "I never argue with anyone, so I have no stress in my life."
The reporter laughs it off: "That's ridiculous. That can't possibly be the reason."
The man shrugs and says, "Yeah, you're probably right."
Blonde goes ice fishing
A blonde decides to go ice fishing. She makes a hole in the ice and starts fishing.
Suddenly a voice from above says: There are no fish here.
Startled, the blonde looks around but doesn't see anybody. She shrugs and continues.
After a while the voice comes again: There are no fish here.
The blonde looks up and asks, Lord? Is that you?
The voice replies,"No, this is the ice-skating rink's maintenance manager. Seriously, there are no fish here.
A German and a Swiss are arguing about who's country is better...
The German, clearly annoyed, asks the Swiss
"So what's so great about Switzerland?" The Swiss shrugs, simply saying.
"Well, the flag is a big plus."
I did some shrugs in the gym.
After someone asked me, "What are you doing here?"
A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"
The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"
"Two years," says the man.
"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the doctor.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."
A terrorist tells the suicide bomber they shouldn't attack the Statue of Liberty, because she's "too easy" ...
The bomber shrugs and replies "Eh, I'd still bang"
Two toothpicks are hanging out in a forest,
... when all of a sudden they see a hedgehog passing by. So, one of them shrugs and goes like, "Hm, I didn't even know they had public transportation here."
[my gf's fav joke, literal translation from German]
Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first chemist, who had a major disagreement with the second and knows the second chemist only drink water, says to the bartender, "I'll take some H2O."
The second chemist automatically responds, "I'll take some H2O too."
The bartender shrugs then turns around and promptly gives the first chemist his glass of water, and the second chemist a glass of water too... because the bartender is an adult and can infer meaning from contextual clues.
What did Obi-Wan Kenobi say when he heard Anakin had joined the dark side?
(shrugs)
"Well, Sith happens"
Journalist to Abused Wife
Journalist : Do you know what your husband does in his free time ?
Wife : *shrugs* beats me.
Three women were bragging about their boyfriends...
The first one proudly declares, my boyfriend is so kinky, he stuck his whole arm inside of me, The second girl shrugs her off and exclaims "that's nothing, my boyfriend once stuck his whole head inside me! The third one seemingly unimpressed states, "thats nothing compared to mine" as she spreads her legs and yells "BABE COME OUT OF THERE"
If 7,00,000 people die in hospitals every year
Why don't we just shut down all the hospitals?
*Shrugs*
Father, I must confess I've been having sex with two gorgeous models everyday for the past month.
Father: Well, as a good catholic I can't condone this behaviour.
Man: I'm Jewish
Father: What are you telling me for then?
Man: *shrugs* I'm telling everybody.
Golf Joke
A man and his friend are playing golf one day at their local course. One of the men is about to tee off when he sees a funeral procession on the road next to the golf course. He pauses, removes his hat, and bows his head in prayer.
His friend says, Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen.
The man shrugs then replies, Yeah, well we *were* married for 35 years.
A girl walks in on his parents doin' it...
The parents freak out and try to cover themselves.
The girl asks, Mommy, what are you guys doing?
The mom says, Your dad and I are making cakes.
The girl shrugs and goes back to her room.
*a week later
The girl asks her mom, Mommy, were you and daddy making cakes again in the living room?
The mother replies Yes we were.
The girl says. Oh cool because I just licked the frosting off the couch.
Reporter- What excercise do you use to make your traps bigger?
Bodybuilder- shrugs
Three vampires enter a dim bar in Kent.
The barmaid asks "What'll you have gentlemen?"
Flashing his best spooky grin, the first vampire says "I'll have a glass of blood" When she asks second vampire, he says,"Glass of blood please" She looks at the third vampire and he smirks and says, "I'll take a glass of plasma"
She shrugs and yells down the bar "Two bloods and a blood lite".
A guy is walking, carrying a no-legged doggie in his arms.
A lady stops him:
What a cute dog! , she exclaims gleefully.. What's his name?
He doesn't have one , the guy replies. The lady is bewildered.
Oh, no! Poor thing... how come you didn't name him?
The guy shrugs.
If I'd call him, he wouldn't come anyway
A couple mountainsclimbers where walking on a glacier.
One says too the other:"look my tour guide fell in that ravine last time I was up here". The other mountainclimber looks perplexed. "Why do you mention that so casually"? The first mountainclimber shrugs and says:"well it was already missing a couple pages".
Five numbers walk into a bar...
... A Natural number (6), an Integer (-2), a Rational (1/2), a Real (e) and a Complex number (1-i) walk into a bar.
The first four clutch their heads in pain, but 1-i keeps going.
When -2 asks him how he walked through it, he shrugs and replies
"I'm imaginary".
Person 1: For the last time, it's not "reverse gravity", it's called BUOYANCY
Person 2: *shrugs* Whatever floats your boat
Joke I heard from a 109 year old Holocaust survivor
A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".
A mom tells her son a joke. The son is so embarrassed.
Son says "Mom, please don't make anymore jokes. You really can't make them."
Mom shrugs and replies, "Well- I did make you."
A WWII veteran goes to a doctor's appointment
An old veteran sits down in the doctor's office for his check up. As usual, the doctor goes through the necessary questions.
"Okay," says the doc, "when's the last time you were sexually active?"
"1946," says the veteran.
"Oh. It's been a while, huh?"
The veteran shrugs and checks his watch. "Not really. It's only 2135."
An old holocaust survivor dies and goes up to heaven....
He asks God,
"How do you get a girl's number in Auschwitz? Roll up her sleeve."
God doesn't laugh.
The Jew shrugs and says, "Eh. I guess you had to be there to understand".
A woman walks into a butcher shop...
"Excuse me," she says. "But I bought these sausages here yesterday and, well, the middle is fine, but both ends are made of sawdust."
The butcher shrugs. "Sometimes it's hard to make ends meat."
\----------------------
The very next day, the butcher is feeling overwhelmed. He accidentally backs into his meat grinder.
He got a little behind in his work.
The terrorist says "Give me money or I shoot the girl"
The family looks at each other and the boy says, "Does this mean I get her car?"
The mother says "I thought we weren't bringing work home, dear."
And the father shrugs and says, "He's doing this for free. I don't know the guy."
Then the terrorist gives up and says, "this family is more messed up than me."
A woman with hairy armpits enters a bar..
She sits at the end of the bar and raises her arm to call the bartender and a drunkard would say, "Hey, bartender.. give the ballerina a beer on me.."
This happened two more times and the bartender finally asks, "Tell me, I'm curious.. What makes you say that the woman at the end of the bar is a ballerina? "
The drunkard shrugs and says, "Any woman that could lift her leg that high must be a ballerina."
A Jewish Man, Killed in the Holocaust, Rises to Heaven. Once there, he Tells God a Holocaust Joke.
God contemplates the joke briefly before echoing out in a thunderous voice:
THAT'S NOT FUNNY!
The man simply shrugs:
I guess you had to be there.
A guy walks into a liquor store and ask for a case of Heineken.
The gal behind the counter replies, "Sorry. We're out of Heineken."
The guy shrugs his shoulders and says, "Fine. Make it Rolling Rock."
The woman replies, "Sorry, but the only cold beer we have in stock is Budweiser."
The man says, "Nope. No way. Last time I drank a case of Bud, I ended up getting sick and blowing chunks."
The cashier replies, "You drink a case of any beer you're gonna get sick!"
The man retorts, "No, you don't understand. My dog's name is Chunks."
A woman asks her friend
How do you know if your husband is abusive?
She shrugs and replies.... beats me
What happened when the mad scientist fused two animals together on his safari?
*shrugs* "Elephrhino!"
My girlfriend slapped me when she got this joke, so I figured it was good enough for reddit
Moses, Jesus and an old man are playing golf together.
Moses swings and the ball rolls towards a river. The river splits and the ball goes through. Jesus shrugs, and hits the ball straight onto the river. It rolls straight over. The old man smiles and hits the ball into the river. A fish swallows the ball, an eagle swoops down, grabs the fish and flies off. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, it drops the fish, the ball falls into the hole. Moses turns to Jesus "I hate playing with your dad."
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the shrugs quizzical jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working shrugs shoulder piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.