Shrugs Jokes
107 shrugs jokes and hilarious shrugs puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about shrugs that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Shrugs Short Jokes
Short shrugs jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The shrugs humour may include short shrugged jokes also.
- I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!" He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad." I continued... "It's cutting hedge technology!"
- For years, I've suspected my wife of adding soil to my garden and when I asked her about it, she just giggled and shrugged... The plot thickens...
- Two nuts are sitting next to each other at the asylum. One turns to the other and says, "Why are we all here?" Other nut shrugs his shoulders and replies, "'Cuz we're not all there."
- As a paramedic, I've learned that there is something you can never say with a straight face: I'm having a s**....
- Person 1: For the last time, it's not "reverse gravity", it's called BUOYANCY Person 2: *shrugs* Whatever floats your boat
- I went to a fancy restaurant last night and a man was complaining about his escargot. The waiter just shrugged it off. "I'm sorry sir," the waiter told him. "All snails are final."
- The bear in the bar A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and ...... cola."
"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender.
The bear shrugged. "I´m not sure; I was born with them" - Journalist to Abused Wife Journalist : Do you know what your husband does in his free time ?
Wife : *shrugs* beats me. - A concerned friend asks a guy why he just endures his marriage with an abusive spouse. He just shrugged it off and says, "beats me."
- A monk walks up to a hot-dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything." ~~~
So he pays for his meal and asks for his change.
The vendor shrugs and retorts smugly, "Change comes from within."
Share These Shrugs Jokes With Friends
Shrugs One Liners
Which shrugs one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with shrugs? I can suggest the ones about sighs and smirks.
- I did some shrugs in the gym. After someone asked me, "What are you doing here?"
- Did you hear about the apathetic man who died? It was a shrug overdose
- I asked Rihanna where Chris Brown was She just shrugged her shoulders.
"Beats me!" - Reporter- What excercise do you use to make your traps bigger? Bodybuilder- shrugs
- What's the best way to work your trapezius muscles? *shrugs*
- An old man is asked if he wears boxers or briefs. He shrugs and says "Depends."
- I get most of my daily exercise from shrugging.
- How do you get rugs to be quiet? (shrugs)
- "I just don't think a complete free market would promote equality", Atlas Shrugged
- I asked my dench friend how to work out my trapezius muscles.... But he just shrugged.
- What does a strong shoulder do when it doesn't know how to get any stronger? Shrugs.
- How do you tell a carpet to be quiet? **sh*rug*
- How do you stretch your back? "I don't know."
**shrugs* - Me: "So bro, what do you think Ayn Rand looked like n**...?" Atlas: *shrugs*
Cheeky Shrugs Jokes to Experience Good Cheer & Frivolity
What funny jokes about shrugs you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean shucks jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make shrugs pranks.
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man are hired at a construction site...
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy "You're in charge of shoveling." He points to the Scotsman and tells him "You're in charge of sweeping." and then he turns to the Chinese guy and says "You're in charge of supplies."
The foreman then shrugs his shoulders and says "Now, I have to leave for a bit, when I get back I expect you guys to make a good dent in that pile of sand." A few hours later when the foreman returns, he finds that the pile has not been touched.
Pointing to the pile of said the foreman demands the Italian, "Why didn't you shovel any of it?" The Scotsman I gotta no shovel. You tella the Chinese guy he inna charge of a supplies but he-a disappeara and coulda no finda him!"
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and yells, "Didn't I tell you to sweep up that sand?" The Scotsman replies in heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did laddie, but I couldna get meself a broom. Ya left the Chinee in charge o' the supplies, but I couldna find him?"
So now the foreman is incredibly furious and he storms off towards the pile of sand in search of the Chinese man. Just then, the Chinese man jumps out from behind the sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!"
A rabbi and a priest walk into a playground....
and a little boy walks by. The priest taps the rabbi on the shoulder and says, "I'm going to screw that little boy." The rabbi holds up his hands, shrugs, and says, "Out of what?"
I don't know.
Jane and Mary are eating lunch together when, out of the blue, Jane asks what the circumference of the Earth is.
Mary shrugs and says, "No sé."
Jane gives her a funny look and asks, "What does that mean?" to which Mary replies "I don't know."
Jane, flabbergasted, says, "Don't say it if you don't know what it means!"
So there's this married couple...
They've been married for many years, and like a lot of married folk, they have a few inside jokes that they've come up with while married. A special one of these was calling s**..., "doing the laundry."
So, one night, the husband, Fred, says to his wife Joanne, "Hey, lets do some laundry," while giving her a sly look. She says oh, my back hurts, I have a headache, etc. And Fred just shrugs and continues. Joanne calls back to Fred a few minutes later, "You know what, I'm feeling better. Let's do some laundry." Fred replies, "It was a small load, I did it myself."
I'll be here all night
My 2nd Parrot joke!
A woman goes to a pet store and buys a parrot. Before she leaves the owner warns her that the Parrot had previously lived in a brothel and might have picked up some salty language. When she gets the bird home he looks around and says "New house."
She puts the bird down in the house and the parrot observes her for a moment before saying "New Madam."
The woman shrugs and thinks that it's not so bad.
Shortly after the woman's two daughters return from school and see the new pet. The Parrot looks at them and says "New girls."
Then her husband comes home from work and the parrot looks over at him and says: "Hi Bill."
a child is walking with a stick
when another kid walks up to him and start picking on him. "your stick is s**... and you're ugly!". the child shrugs his shoulders and asks "you know how they say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder?". "yeah, so what?" responds the kid. the child flashes a grin, looks the kid straight in the eyes and whispers "my sticks name is beauty"
What will the neighbors think?
With summer getting sunnier a woman asks her husband:
"What do you think: should I go sunbathing in the n**... in the backyard?"
The husband just shrugs and says:"Do as you like."
The woman replies: "What do you think the neighbors will say if they see me sunbathing like that?"
The husband replies:"They'll probably think I married you for the money."
A mother and a father are standing over their newborn baby.
The father looks to the mother and says. "He's quite big down there, Isn't he?" The wife shrugs and says "Yeah. At least he inherited your eyes."
This is a classic Deaf joke.
Three men are on a train: One Cuban, one Russian and one Deaf man. The Cuban is smoking a huge cigar, but half way through it throws it out the window. The Russian and the Deaf man exclaim about him wasting the beautiful cigar, but he just shrugs and says, "Eh, we have *plenty* of cigars back home."
The the Russian take out a handle of v**... and begins slugging it back, but with half of it finished, turns and tosses it out the window. 'Why woulf you waste such good v**...!" the Deaf man and the Cuban exclaim. "Psh, we have *plenty* of v**... back home."
Then the Deaf man says, "Okay, one minute," and walks off. The Russian and the Cuban look at each other in confusion and shrug, waiting for the Deaf man to return. He does, but he's dragging a man with him. Struggling, he finally tosses the man out the window. The other two yell, "Why would you do that?!! You just killed him!" The Deaf man shrugs and says, "Oh, we have *plenty* of hearing people back home.
A Canadian in New York
A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Canadian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Canuck just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks... like I said, my boy's a typical Canadian baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW" were heard.
Two weeks later the Canadian returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Canadian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you. So how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Canadian father takes a slow swig from his Molson beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised".
A man enters a flower shop...
and says..."I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs, "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
s**... Math So a 54 year old man cheats on his wife and leaves her a note saying that he has been sleeping with an 18 year...
So a 54 year old man cheats on his wife and leaves her a note saying that he has been sleeping with an 18 year.
The 54 year old wife reads the note, shrugs and writes one of her own.
When her husband gets home he reads the note, it says:
I know that you've been cheating on me with an 18 year old, but I have an 18 year old of my own and we all know 18 goes into 54 far more than 54 goes into 18.
s**... Math Time
So a 54 year old man cheats on his wife and leaves her a note saying that he has been sleeping with an 18 year.
The 54 year old wife reads the note, shrugs and writes one of her own.
When her husband gets home he reads the note, it says:
I know that you've been cheating on me with an 18 year old, but I have an 18 year old of my own and we all know 18 goes into 54 far more than 54 goes into 18.
Jewish guy goes to his rabbi . . .
. . . he asks, "I don't get it. If we're the chosen people, why did God make the goys?"
The rabbi shrugs and say, "Hey . . . somebody's gotta pay retail."
Guy sits down at a diner
He is looking at the menu deciding what he wants when the person next to him orders a double cheeseburger. The waitress takes the order and pulls two frozen burger patties from the freezer. She sticks one under each armpit.
The guy asks what she is doing. She shrugs and says "defrosting the meat". The guy thinks for a minute and says "I'll have the hot dog".
A retired priest and a retired rabbi are friends in a reitrement home...
One day, the priest says to his rabbi friend, "Tell me, honestly, have you ever tried bacon?" The rabbi shrugs and says "Yes, in my youth, I gave into temptation and I had bacon, but tell me my friend, have you ever had s**...?" The priest shrugs and says "I too, in my youth, gave into temptation." The rabbi leans over and smiles "Admit it, it's better than bacon."
Two medical students are about to witness an autopsy for the first time...
One asks the other, "What do you think it'll be like?"
The other student shrugs and says, "Remains to be seen".
A Man Goes Into A Pharmacy
And asks for birth control for his wife and seven year old daugher.
The pharmacist, shocked, exclaims "You're seven year old daughter is s**... active?!"
And the man just shrugs and says "Nah, she just lays there"
The Science Teacher
A teacher walks by a lab table when a student turns to him and complains, "There's water all over my lab table!"
The teacher looks back at the table to see tape over the lab faucet and says, "It looks like one idiot taped the sink faucet, and another idiot turned the faucet on."
The student looks around sheepishly, and mutters "I wonder who that idiot was..."
The teacher looks back at the student and asks, "Was that idiot you?"
The student shrugs and says "Well yea, I wanted to see what happened."
The teacher looks thoughtfully at the faucet for a moment, before turning it on, watching water spray across the table.
The student looks back at the teacher, "Doesn't that make you an idiot too?"
The teacher looks at him and says, "No, I have a degree in science, we call that a scientific inquiry."
Good Sound
An mp3 file was relaxing on his couch at home, when his wife comes up to him.
Wife: "Honey, could you explain this charge for $600?"
Mp3: "Oh, thats for a new set of headphones."
Wife: "For $600??? How could you spend that much?"
Mp3: "But the sound quality is really good!"
Wife: "SO YOU SPENT $600 FOR GOOD SOUND??"
Mp3 shrugs his shoulders. "What can I say? I'm an audiophile"
The Philosophical Defense Mechanism
The leopard crouches to pounce the gazelle.
The gazelle says, Are you sure you want to eat me?
Leopard pauses. Uh, why wouldn't i?
"Well, I mean, is this what you want to be doing with your life? Do you see yourself doing this in five years?"
"What do you mean? if I eat you now, you won't be here in five years." says the leopard.
The gazelle shrugs. Don't you have goals? Aspirations? 'Eating Gazelle' is setting the bar pretty minimally. Don't you want cubs?
"I… gee. Maybe write a screenplay…" The leopard sits down and sighs. "Look, I'm between opportunities right now, I'm in my mom's den. What can I offer a mate?"
"No, I understand, What went wrong?"
"Well I-"
The gazelle runs away.
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar...
...and each take a seat and order a beer. When the Englishman gets his beer, he sees a fly floating in it, and politely asks for a different brew. The Scotsman, intrigued by this, looks into his beer and also notices a fly in it. He shrugs and picks it out. When the Irishman's beer arrives, also containing one fly, he's had enough. He picks up the fly, holds it very close to his mouth, and says...
"Spit it out, lad, spit it all out!"
Obsolete Technologies
A man is sitting in a recliner watching television when he asks his wife to pass the newspaper.
She starts barking at him,"Why don't you learn how to use this iPad? You're never going to get better at technology if you don't start using it for some of the simple things."
Considering his lovely angel's request, the man shrugs his shoulders and says, "Okay, why not."
A second later... SMASH!!!
That f**...' spider never even saw it coming.
props to /u/mongreloid , with minor editing from myself
Italian and a Rabbi are riding on a train together...
They get acquainted, and at one point the Italian takes some sausage out of his bag and offers some to his companion.
Rabbi asks, "Is it made from pork?"
"Yes", replies the Italian.
"Well then, I can't eat it. It's not kosher. God's law."
The Italian shrugs and eats the sausage, then pulls out a bottle of wine, offering some.
Rabbi looks at the bottle and says, "It's not kosher, I can't drink it. God's law."
Italian says, "Wow your god is strict. What if there was nothing kosher around to eat or drink?"
Rabbi replies, "Well, he makes exceptions in situations of life and death."
With that, the Italian points a gun at the rabbi and says, "Drink the wine or I'll blow your head off!!"
Rabbi grabs the bottle, and with a very annoyed look on his face, downs the rest of it.
"Please don't be upset with me. I just wanted you to have some wine", says the Italian.
Rabbi says, "Of course I'm upset! Where was the gun when you had some sausage left?!?"
A newlywed wife makes her husband pay her a dollar before they have s**....
The husband shrugs and forks it over. This continues throughout the marriage; every time they have s**..., he has to pay her a buck.
The husband comes home one day many years later, earlier than usual, and informs the wife that he's lost his job, and he's unsure how they will continue. His wife shows him a bank statement with an account holding over $500,000. "Where did you get this?" he asks. "Remember that dollar you paid me ever time you wanted to have s**...? It added up over the years." The husband begins sobbing loudly, and the wife is mystified. "Why are you crying? We're saved!", she says. He replies, "If only I'd brought you ALL my business!"
Two canibals are having a meal . . .
One looks at the other and says, "Man I hate my mother-in-law!"
The second one shrugs and replies, "Then try some of the potatoes."
A client just thanked me profusely for curing his erectile dysfunction.
-shrugs- It wasn't hard.
A maid asks for a raise
A maid asks for a raise from the queen.
"Give me three good reasons to give you a raise." the queen demands.
"Well, I cook better than you." Astounded by the answer, the queen asks, "Who told you that?"
The maid replies with, "Your husband told me that.".
The queen is unhappy, but shrugs it off and asks for another reason.
"I'm a better cleaner than you are." The queen is unhappy again and asks who told the maid this. "Your husband told me that." The queen is now unhappy and asks for a final reason to give a raise.
The maid says, "I'm better in bed than you." The queen's jaw drops open and asks "DON'T TELL ME MY HUSBAND TOLD YOU THAT DID HE?".
The maid replies calmly with, "No, the driver did."
The queen curses quietly, "Shhh. Keep it down, its 25% okay?"
Three vampires are bragging to each other...
The first says "Watch this." leaves, and is back in an instant, mouth covered in blood. He points at a villager and says "You see that villager? s**... him dry."
The second, impressed, but not willing to be outdone, leaves and returns just as fast as the first, blood covering her mouth, neck and cheeks. She points and says "You see that town? Bone dry, no survivors."
The third shrugs and says "That's nothing, watch this." He's barely gone a fraction of a second before he's back with a face completely covered in blood. The first vampire asks "What did you do?" The third vampire replied "You see that pole?"
"Yeah?"
"I didn't"
A fortune teller walks up to a boy on the street.
Hey, I have a joke for you, she says.
The boy shrugs. Ok.
The fortune teller smiles.
Cancer, she says.
Cancer? the boy asks. He frowns. If that's your joke, I don't get it.
Don't worry, the fortune teller says, and starts to walk away, You will when you're older.
A polar bear walks into a bar.
The bartender asks what he'll have.
The bear says "I guess I'll have a................beer."
The bartender asks "Why the big pause?"
The polar shrugs. "I don't know, I was born with 'em."
Why are Boy Scouts safest when travelling with a senior?
They'll always have dry wood on hand to start a fire
- this came to me in a dream... maybe it should have stayed there? *shrugs*
A Panda walks into a bar..
and asks the bartender if he can get a scotch...
.....
...and coke.
The bartender replies "Sure thing, but why the big pause?"
The Panda shrugs, lifts up his hands, and says "Was born with them."
A reporter is interviewing a 110-year-old man
... And asks him his secret to longevity. "It's simple," the man replies, "I never argue with anyone, so I have no stress in my life."
The reporter laughs it off: "That's ridiculous. That can't possibly be the reason."
The man shrugs and says, "Yeah, you're probably right."
Blonde goes ice fishing
A blonde decides to go ice fishing. She makes a hole in the ice and starts fishing.
Suddenly a voice from above says: There are no fish here.
Startled, the blonde looks around but doesn't see anybody. She shrugs and continues.
After a while the voice comes again: There are no fish here.
The blonde looks up and asks, Lord? Is that you?
The voice replies,"No, this is the ice-skating rink's maintenance manager. Seriously, there are no fish here.
A German and a Swiss are arguing about who's country is better...
The German, clearly annoyed, asks the Swiss
"So what's so great about Switzerland?" The Swiss shrugs, simply saying.
"Well, the flag is a big plus."
A Russian family gets pulled over...
A man is driving with his wife and small child. A militiaman pulls them over and makes the man take a breathalyzer test. See, the militiaman says, you're drunk. The man protests that the breathalyzer must be broken and invites the cop to test his wife. She also registers as drunk. Exasperated, the man invites the cop to test his child. When the child registers drunk as well, the cop shrugs and says Yes, perhaps it is broken, and sends them on their way. Out of earshot the man tells his wife, See, I told you is wouldn't hurt to give the kid five grams of v**....
A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"
The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"
"Two years," says the man.
"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the doctor.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."
A t**... tells the s**... bomber they shouldn't attack the Statue of Liberty, because she's "too easy" ...
The bomber shrugs and replies "Eh, I'd still bang"
A Latin student asks his teacher a question.
The student asks, "What's the Latin word for 'he wears'?"
The teacher shrugs and says, "Gessit."
Two toothpicks are hanging out in a forest,
... when all of a sudden they see a hedgehog passing by. So, one of them shrugs and goes like, "Hm, I didn't even know they had public transportation here."
[my gf's fav joke, literal translation from German]
Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first chemist, who had a major disagreement with the second and knows the second chemist only drink water, says to the bartender, "I'll take some H2O."
The second chemist automatically responds, "I'll take some H2O too."
The bartender shrugs then turns around and promptly gives the first chemist his glass of water, and the second chemist a glass of water too... because the bartender is an adult and can infer meaning from contextual clues.
A bunch of sausages are smoking around a poker table
A bunch of sausages are smoking around a poker table. Suddenly the door slams open and a salami walks in.
"You look parched my friend, would you like a drink?" Asks one of the sausages.
"No thankyou" says the salami "I don't drink".
"Join us for a smoke then" replies another of the sausages
"No thankyou" replies the salami. "Not for me".
"Well you must have some reason for being here?" Asks the third sausage.
The salami looks around and sheepishly shrugs. "Sorry, wrong door. Like you guys I used to be a heavy s**... and hooked on a poker, but I'm cured now.
Trump, Putin and Merkel are taking a walk along the Hamburg harbour...
...during the G20 summit. In an attempt to show off the technology and military strength of his country, Trump brags: "Our submarines are the best. The greatest. They're huge. They can stay underwater for 1 month without surfacing!"
Putin just shrugs and grumbles, "Is nothing. Russian submarine technology make for 5 months under water..."
Just as Merkel is about to say her piece on the matter, the three of them are startled by the water next to them bubbling and splashing as they see a big submarine emerge from the depths. With loud squealing the top hatch opens, a man climbs out and shouts: "Heil h**..., wir brauchen Diesel!"
A young boy asks his grandfather
A young boy asks his grandfather:
"What's the most common English expression?"
The Grandfather, full of wisdom, says, "I love baseball and apple pie."
Puzzled, the boy shrugs it off and continues.
"So, what's the most common German expression?"
Without skipping a beat, the Grandfather says, "David Hasselhoff is the best."
The boy wrinkles his nose in disbelief, but presses on.
"OK then, what's the most common French expression?"
Suddenly, the Grandfather stops. He looks worried. He hesitates, wringing his hands in concentration. He begins to speak, but can't get the words out. His confidence gone, he quietly mutters...
"I give up."
What did Obi-Wan Kenobi say when he heard Anakin had joined the dark side?
(shrugs)
"Well, Sith happens"
Three women were bragging about their boyfriends...
The first one proudly declares, my boyfriend is so k**..., he stuck his whole arm inside of me, The second girl shrugs her off and exclaims "that's nothing, my boyfriend once stuck his whole head inside me! The third one seemingly unimpressed states, "thats nothing compared to mine" as she spreads her legs and yells "BABE COME OUT OF THERE"
If 7,00,000 people die in hospitals every year
Why don't we just shut down all the hospitals?
*Shrugs*
Father, I must confess I've been having s**... with two gorgeous models everyday for the past month.
Father: Well, as a good catholic I can't condone this behaviour.
Man: I'm Jewish
Father: What are you telling me for then?
Man: *shrugs* I'm telling everybody.
Golf Joke
A man and his friend are playing golf one day at their local course. One of the men is about to tee off when he sees a f**... procession on the road next to the golf course. He pauses, removes his hat, and bows his head in prayer.
His friend says, Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen.
The man shrugs then replies, Yeah, well we *were* married for 35 years.
A girl walks in on his parents doin' it...
The parents freak out and try to cover themselves.
The girl asks, Mommy, what are you guys doing?
The mom says, Your dad and I are making cakes.
The girl shrugs and goes back to her room.
*a week later
The girl asks her mom, Mommy, were you and daddy making cakes again in the living room?
The mother replies Yes we were.
The girl says. Oh cool because I just licked the frosting off the couch.
Three vampires enter a dim bar in Kent.
The barmaid asks "What'll you have gentlemen?"
Flashing his best spooky grin, the first vampire says "I'll have a glass of blood" When she asks second vampire, he says,"Glass of blood please" She looks at the third vampire and he smirks and says, "I'll take a glass of plasma"
She shrugs and yells down the bar "Two bloods and a blood lite".
A guest calls the waiter and complains, How come there are no chairs at our table?!
The waiter shrugs, I'm sorry but you only booked one table…
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
A guy is walking, carrying a no-legged d**... in his arms.
A lady stops him:
What a cute dog! , she exclaims gleefully.. What's his name?
He doesn't have one , the guy replies. The lady is bewildered.
Oh, no! Poor thing... how come you didn't name him?
The guy shrugs.
If I'd call him, he wouldn't come anyway
A couple mountainsclimbers where walking on a glacier.
One says too the other:"look my tour guide fell in that ravine last time I was up here". The other mountainclimber looks perplexed. "Why do you mention that so casually"? The first mountainclimber shrugs and says:"well it was already missing a couple pages".
Five numbers walk into a bar...
... A Natural number (6), an Integer (-2), a Rational (1/2), a Real (e) and a Complex number (1-i) walk into a bar.
The first four clutch their heads in pain, but 1-i keeps going.
When -2 asks him how he walked through it, he shrugs and replies
"I'm imaginary".
A pastor walked outside.....
A pastor walked outside of the church because he heard the children being loud. He sees the kids all grouped up. "What are you doing?" The children make the circle wider to show a puppy they had found. "Its a beautiful dog, who will take it home?" The pastor asks. The children look at each other until one of them speaks up. "I know! Whoever tells the biggest lie can take it home! Would you like to play pastor?" The pastor shrugs his shoulders and says, "I don't know, it will be hard because I've never told a lie." The child picks the dog up and hands it to the pastor, "Here you go. You win."
An art student and a time traveller walk into a bar.
The art student takes a seat, looking pretty down.
The time traveller asks "Whats wrong?"
"I just got kicked out of art school" He repiles "Say, hows the art scene in the future?"
The time traveller shrugs and says "Eh. Its pretty terrible all things considered."
The art student quickly responds "Well. Hows the political scene?"
"Oh, its great."
The art student stands up, dusting himself off. "Well. I've minored in politics. I'm gonna go get myself somewhere d**...! OR MY NAME ISNT ADOLF h**...!" He yells as he leaves.
Student asks teacher how he feels about the new year starting tomorrow.
Teacher shrugs his shoulders and says, "S'cool."
Joke I heard from a 109 year old Holocaust survivor
A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".
A fisherman is sitting on a river bank. Suddenly, he hears somebody shout 'F*c**... off!' in the distance.
Ten minutes later he hears the same shout 'F*c**... off!!!!!', but a bit closer. The fisherman shrugs his shoulders having no idea of what's going on.
Another ten minutes later when he has already forgotten about the strange shout, he sees a boat with a man rowing up the river… with spoons. So the fisherman asked:
- Hey! Why are you rowing with spoons? Take the oars!
- F*c**... off!!!!!!!!!!
A mom tells her son a joke. The son is so embarrassed.
Son says "Mom, please don't make anymore jokes. You really can't make them."
Mom shrugs and replies, "Well- I did make you."
A WWII veteran goes to a doctor's appointment
An old veteran sits down in the doctor's office for his check up. As usual, the doctor goes through the necessary questions.
"Okay," says the doc, "when's the last time you were s**... active?"
"1946," says the veteran.
"Oh. It's been a while, huh?"
The veteran shrugs and checks his watch. "Not really. It's only 2135."
An old holocaust survivor dies and goes up to heaven....
He asks God,
"How do you get a girl's number in Auschwitz? Roll up her sleeve."
God doesn't laugh.
The Jew shrugs and says, "Eh. I guess you had to be there to understand".
A woman walks into a butcher shop...
"Excuse me," she says. "But I bought these sausages here yesterday and, well, the middle is fine, but both ends are made of sawdust."
The butcher shrugs. "Sometimes it's hard to make ends meat."
\----------------------
The very next day, the butcher is feeling overwhelmed. He accidentally backs into his meat grinder.
He got a little behind in his work.
The t**... says "Give me money or I shoot the girl"
The family looks at each other and the boy says, "Does this mean I get her car?"
The mother says "I thought we weren't bringing work home, dear."
And the father shrugs and says, "He's doing this for free. I don't know the guy."
Then the t**... gives up and says, "this family is more messed up than me."
A woman with hairy armpits enters a bar..
She sits at the end of the bar and raises her arm to call the bartender and a drunkard would say, "Hey, bartender.. give the ballerina a beer on me.."
This happened two more times and the bartender finally asks, "Tell me, I'm curious.. What makes you say that the woman at the end of the bar is a ballerina? "
The drunkard shrugs and says, "Any woman that could lift her leg that high must be a ballerina."
A Jewish Man, Killed in the Holocaust, Rises to Heaven. Once there, he Tells God a Holocaust Joke.
God contemplates the joke briefly before echoing out in a thunderous voice:
THAT'S NOT FUNNY!
The man simply shrugs:
I guess you had to be there.
A guy walks into a liquor store and ask for a case of Heineken.
The gal behind the counter replies, "Sorry. We're out of Heineken."
The guy shrugs his shoulders and says, "Fine. Make it Rolling Rock."
The woman replies, "Sorry, but the only cold beer we have in stock is Budweiser."
The man says, "Nope. No way. Last time I drank a case of Bud, I ended up getting sick and blowing chunks."
The cashier replies, "You drink a case of any beer you're gonna get sick!"
The man retorts, "No, you don't understand. My dog's name is Chunks."
A woman asks her friend
How do you know if your husband is abusive?
She shrugs and replies.... beats me
What happened when the mad scientist fused two animals together on his safari?
*shrugs* "Elephrhino!"
My girlfriend slapped me when she got this joke, so I figured it was good enough for reddit
