Shown Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Shown puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Shown

IT guy

John is being shown around the office by his new boss. They enter the IT department and John sees a man using two keyboards at once. "That's incredible", says John. "Trust a geek to use two keyboards at once". "Hey!" replied his boss. "That's stereotyping. "

Why is Jesus always shown having a 6 pack?

Because of all his cross training

Birthdays are good for your health

Studies have shown that people with more birthdays live longer.

Recent studies have shown that 67% of women have used vibrators

The other 33% have brand new ones

Studies have shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Man arrested for selling eternal youth pills.

News has just come in about a man in the Dublin area has been arrested for selling pills that he claimed would give eternal youth.

Police records have shown that it is the fourth time this man has been arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921.

A recently deceased man was being shown around heaven.

St Peter was looking after him by showing him the various facilities that were available. At the end of the tour, St Peter asked the man if he had any questions.

The man could only think of one. He pointed to a long wall running along one side. "Why do you have a wall there?" asked the man.

St Peter sighed and said, "That is for the Catholics. They`re on the other side. They like to think that they are the only ones here."

Studies have shown horses exposed to marijuana are less stable and unsafe to ride.

So get off your high horse.

Studies have shown that American youth has already started using the metric system

Nowadays you can even find students from various schools in America using 9mm

A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around.

A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around. He is surprised to be living with his wife and an ex from college. An angel explains "In heaven, you spend your time with the people you had sex with the most times".

The man thinks this could cause trouble and asks if there is any way to appeal the decision. The angel tells him he could speak to one of the priests. The man asks where to find a priest. The angel replies "They are easy to find, just look for a crowd of choir boys".

Hillary was shown a video of her flip-flopping on issues all over her career.

At first, she was upset. Now she says she's ok with it.

A man died and gets shown around in heaven by St. Peter

β€žSo, over here we have the Muslims. Very nice people, celebrating that they're allowed to drink up here.

β€žNext we have the Jews. Also really friendly, having discussion groups with God himself from time to time.

β€žThere are the Buddhists, really relaxed people, just enjoying themselves.

The tour goes on for quite a while like this.

Finally they arrive at a locked door.

β€žYou must be really quiet around here , St. Peter whispers.

β€žWhy, who's in there? , the man asks.

β€žThe Catholics, they think they are alone up here.

A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news.

A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.

The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!" Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned.

The redhead said, I can't take this, you're my friend. The blonde said, No. A bet's a bet. So the redhead said, Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money.

The blonde replied, Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!

The Coolidge effect

The President and Mrs. Coolidge were being shown (separately) around an experimental government farm. When Mrs. Coolidge came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, "Dozens of times each day." Mrs. Coolidge said, "Tell that to the President when he comes by." Upon being told, President asked, "Same hen every time?" The reply was, "Oh, no, Mr. President, a different hen every time." President: "Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge."

A new study has shown that women who get more sleep have better sex.

Unfortunately, the study was conducted by Bill Cosby

Math and naked women.

A mathematician and an engineer go into a lab for a test. They're led into a room and shown a beautiful naked lady sitting on the table across the way. The conductor tells them that every 5 seconds, they're permitted to walk half the distance closer. The mathematician immediately throws his arms up and leaves. He sees the engineer eagerly awaiting the countdown and asked, "What are you doing? You know we'll never actually touch her!" The engineer smiles... "Maybe, but we'll get close enough for all reasonable applications."

Heard this one from one if my favorite comedians...

I'll leave out the little bit of backstory.

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law are in a car driving down a highway near Miami.

A cop, who has been following him for quite some time, pulls him over to the side of the road.

The cop walks up to him and says "I've been watching you drive for the past couple of miles here, and you've shown excellent driving skills. You see, every month we have a $500 reward for the best driver. Today's your lucky day!"

So, as promised, the cop brings the man $500, and asks "So what are you going to do with all the money you won?"

To which the man replies "I'll probably use it to get my license."

The wife quickly intervenes, saying "Don't listen to him! He always talks crazy when he's drunk!"

The mother-in-law then says "I told you we'd get in trouble in a stolen car."

Paddy was coming back from his holiday in America.

As he came through Customs, he had two sacks over his shoulders. The Customs officer asked him what he had in the sacks. Paddy replied Mobile phones.

The customs officer didn't believe him and asked to be shown. Paddy opened each sack and sure enough each contained quite a few phones. "What are you going to do with all these phones?" asked the officer.

"Oh, they are not for me. My friend, who is a musical director, knew I was going over to America. He asked me to bring him back a 'couple of saxophones.'"

Studies have shown that women who are overweight

Are more likely to outlive men that mention it.

Surveys have shown that..

6/7 dwarfs aren't Happy

The wife asked me what I was doing on the internet last night.

I told her I was looking for flights. "I love you!" she said and then she got all excited. That night we had the most amazing sex ever... which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before.

Recent studies have shown that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy

The Sex Shop Fatality.

A man walks into a sex shop to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from Β£50 to Β£150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the Β£150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow and get a Β£150 refund and keep the money for myself'.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
"Stone me!" exclaims her hubby. "It wasn't that creased in the shop!"
His funeral is on Thursday.

A blonde and a redhead..

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend". The blonde said "No. A bet's a bet".
So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money".
The blonde replied "well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!" Β ΰ² __ΰ² 

An old man goes to the doctor's

An old man goes to the doctor's because he has been feeling bad lately. The doctor does some tests on him and tells him to come back the next day for the results.

The next day the man gets his diagnosis. The doctor says: "Sir, I have bad news for you. You have inoperable cancer. The tests have also shown that you have problems with your memory. It seems you have Alzheimer's."

The old man says: "Well, at least I don't have cancer!"

Trooper in Iraq

A man recently deployed to Iraq is being shown around his new base. At the end of the tour the commanding officer shows the soldier a camel tied to a post. He says,"The men use this camel whenever they begin to feel lonely, feel free to do the same." The soldier responds,"Oh, I'm sure it will never get to that point, sir. I'm married" A couple of weeks pass and the soldier is really missing his wife and stressing about how much longer he has till he'll see his wife again. One night unable to sleep he caves in and has sex with the camel. The next morning he runs into the commanding officer and says,"It happened, sir. I couldn't take the loneliness and had sex with the camel." Commanding officer baffled,"You did WHAT!? The men use that camel to ride into town to buy prostitutes!"

Studies have shown that half of the people in this country are slowly going crazy.

The rest of us are doing it quicker.

A blonde and a red head met in a bar after work...

...for a drink, and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, I'll take that bet!
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said, I can't take this, you're my friend. I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money.
The blonde replied, Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!

A Brit visits America

A Brit visits America and as part of his tour, he is shown the vast corn fields of Iowa stretching away to the horizon and beyond.

"My word," he says, "What on earth do you *do* with it all?"

The farmer grins and replies, "We eat what we can and what we can't, we can."

The Brit is somewhat puzzled, but after the farmer explains, he laughs uproariously. "Well done, sir, well done!"

When he returns to the UK, a friend asks him what Americans are like. "Oh, they have a jolly good sense of humour. When I asked a farmer what he does with all of his maize, do you know what he said?"

"We consume what we are able, and what we are not, we tin."

Recent studies have shown that Apple is trailing behind Samsung in innovation

Experts predict that it will take at least another two years for iPhones to bring explosive features to the market.

The Sheer Nightgown

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

(edited for multifariousness.)

Studies have shown that a deer can jump higher than an average house.

This is because deer are agile animals and also due to the fact that a house cannot jump.

A woman dies and goes to heaven.

When she gets there, he meets St Peter at the Pearly Gates. He ticks her name off on the register and introduces her to an angel.

"She'll give you a tour", he says.

And the angel does this, and shows the newly-deceased woman around heaven with a detailed tour, beginning with the Pearly Gates.

Later in the tour, it seems as though the angel has shown the woman everything there is to see in heaven, when the woman notices a tall wall around a sort of enclosure.

And so, she asks her guide:

"What's that huge walled bit for?"

And the angel replies:

"Oh, that's just for the Catholics. They like to think they're the only ones in here."

My vegetarianism is the same as my heterosexuality

I'll stick by it until I'm shown a good enough sausage

A new study has shown LSD causes new users to lose weight.

Obviously, You can eat while there's a dragon gaurding your fridge.

A new study has shown banana skins contain traces of LSD...

I guess that explains why people are always tripping on them

New bathroom

I was shopping for a new bathroom this week, and was shown an amazing toilet that plays ABBA songs when you flush it.

What a loo.

My friend's "gong clock"

My friend called me to his house one evening for a catchup. We spent a few hours talking and it was getting late so I decided to leave. "Wait! I haven't shown you my gong clock! He took me upstairs where he had this massive gong close to the back wall. He said "like it?!" I replied "umm.. How does it work? Doesn't it just make a noise?" "Haha not just makes a noise but you can get the time too!" He said. "Let me demonstrate.." He picked up a giant mallet and struck the gong! It was so loud we both covered our ears! When I removed my hands and the gong was quieting down I could hear was knocking on wall and a muffled voice shouting "IT'S 11 O'CLOCK AT NIGHT WHATS THE MATTER WITH YOU!?"

Studies have shown that married men live longer than single men...

So if you want a longer life, and a slower death, just get married.

A recent study has shown patient mortality rates increase with the age of the doctor

Next week I have a surgical consultation with a particularly clever-looking newborn.

Apparently people who exercise have been shown to recover better and be less at risk from mental health issues...

So who said you can't run away from your problems.

Man and wife visit the super bull farm.

They are shown round the prize bulls. The manager shows them a great strapping beast.. this one is our gold medal bull he mates without fail every three days. The wife is impressed and nudges hubby.. nodding approvingly.
They move on and next the manager shows them the double gold medal bull. He is a beast! This one, the manager explains proudly can do the business every other day without fail.
Wow.. Says the wife, with sideways look at her husband .. I'm very impressed.
Then the manager shows them Rocky, the triple gold medal bull. Rocky here, he says patting the muscular rump of a steaming hot stomping beast, is a every single day boy.. 365 copulations a year.
The wife looks at her sulking husband. Now that's what I call a super stud!
Yes.. he says, scratching his chin,
but I bet Rocky here doesn't have to sleep with the same old cow every night.

Recent studies show that chimps raised in captivity are more likely to reproduce if they are shown videos of other chimps mating in the wild.

monkey see monkey do monkey, monkey do monkey

Studies have shown that public speaking is the thing that people fear the most. The second most-common fear is death.

This means that most people would rather be the one in the casket rather than the one giving the eulogy.

A recent study has shown that almost 92% of anti-vaxers are republican.

guess that problem solves itself.

A psychiatrist is being shown around a mental hospital.

After being shown around the corridors he walks into a room with two patients, one hanging from the roof upside down, and the other in the middle of the room cutting a piece of wood with a saw.

Doctor: Umm... What is it your doing?

First patient: What do you mean, what am I doing... Im sawing this piece of wood... What are you stupid?

Doctor: Okay... sorry... Well what about your friend over there?

First patient: Oh him... Don't worry about him... Hes a few sandwiches short of a picnic.... he thinks he's a light bulb....

Doctor: He's your friend... Why don't you get him down?

First patient: What, and work in the dark???

Recent studies have shown that...

Recent studies have shown that both genders reply differently to certain questions.

For example, if you ask a woman "Why do women make better leaders than men?", they'll usually reply "Because women have better leadership."

But if you ask men the same question...

"Because a man will do anything to get a woman to shut up."

Recent studies have shown that several species of shrimp have randomly died while migrating to other seas or oceans

I guess they were accident prawn

At my optometrist I was shown pictures of printers, external hard drives, monitors, and the like.

They said they were testing my peripheral vision.

I don't know why people say that no employer will be interested in your liberal arts degree.

I would love to hire someone who has clearly shown that they don't care at all about how much money they make.

A recent study has shown you should NOT vaccinate kittens

It increases their risk of awww-tism

A study has shown that women are better than men at driving in fog..

Well of course they are. They're not looking where they're going.

Why is Jesus always shown with a six pack of abs?

Because hes Cross fit.

Happy easter!

Why the Dinosaurs Died

It has been shown that the moon is moving away from us at a tiny (but measurable) distance each year. Therefore, if you do the maths, you will find that eighty-five million years ago it would've killed many, if not all the dinosaurs, by orbiting at an elevation of approximately thirty-five feet.

Studies have shown that attending church can actually release frustration.

I guess that's where the priests come in.

A study has shown 90% of women aren't interested in men that wear pink shirts.

Ironically, 90% of men that wear pink shirts aren't interested in women.

How did Marty McFly react when shown what 2015 would really look like?

Gee, it's hard to say, although he did seem pretty shaken up about it.

Everything can be reduced to a fart joke ...

Even physics:

We know that everything on earth falls at the same rate of acceleration, 32 feet per second per second. The difference comes down to mass and wind resistance, as shown by a flat piece of paper and one balled up. This means that the determining factor in your total decent is how much wind you break!

Apparently the majority of The United Arab Emirates don't allow The Flintstones to be shown...

However Abu Dhabi do.

The church was looking for a new bell ringer...

..and they put out an advertisment to find someone. After weeks of waiting, a man with no arms shows to apply. The clergy decided to let him try, given that no one else has shown up. They ascend up to the top of the bell tower and the priest tells the armless man to just have at it. The armless man steps up to bell, and just savagely bangs his head against the side of it until he falls over, dead. The clergy, clearly shocked, run down to the congregation gathered and ask,

"Did any of you know that man?"

And some else shouts, "No, but I think his face rings a bell!"

"A team of medical scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy, however they claim that no one has shown the slightest but of interest" - George Carlin

The police arrested a pilot and a customs agent for running a smuggling ring

They thought they were being careful. But after being shown the evidence, complete with fingerprints, they confessed.

Pilot: "How'd you catch us anyway?"

Detective: "Everything was hidden in plane site."

People are mad because MTV doesn't show music videos. What about Fox News?

They haven't shown a fox in months.

(Craig Ferguson)

How do you know when the drummer has shown up for band practice?

He won't stop banging at the door.

Studies have shown that if presented with song lyrics, the human mind will produce the melody and have it in the background. According to the researchers,

your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know.

[Serious] Have any animals besides humans been shown to exhibit humor in their social interactions?

Looking for anyone with specific knowledge of this. Any zoolologists out there?

Research has shown therapists can easily become the sexual predators.

It's only a matter of space.

A recent study has shown that listening to too much Queen might be dangerous to your health.

It contains a lot of mercury.

Somebody accused me of being condescending today... the way, condescending is shown or characterized by a patronizing or superior attitude toward others.

A new study has shown that Vietnamese couples are the happiest of them all

because most of the time, it's a Nguyen-Nguyen situation for everyone.

After being shown around, the prison warden was asked for his opinion on the prisoners' new creative writing class.

..."It has its prose & cons"

Recent studies have shown that 5 out of 6 people enjoy gang rapes, and would be apart of one again.

Scientists have found out...

after they were shown the exit.

Five emos in a room

A study has shown that if you put five emos in a room, one of them will eventually kill himself because he wont have a corner to cry in.

Why are all the fish high?

Because of the seaweed.

I've already shown myself out, don't worry.

A joke from my deceased grandfather:

A Texan, a Mexican, a Frenchman, and an Englishmen are on a plane.

The pilot says we only have one parachute, and we're overweight, 3 of you must jump.

The Frenchman steps up first. Viva la France! and he jumps out of the plane.

The Englishman, not wanting to be shown up by a Frenchman, then says Long live the queen! and jumps out of the plane.

Now with just the Texan and the Mexican left, they both approach the door.

The Mexican, nervous and shaking, says I must, for I want people to respect my homeland.

The Texan grabs him by the shoulders and says Remember the Alamo! and shoves him out of the plane.

Studies have shown that people with more curves have a much higher risk of catching the virus.

Scientists are working hard to flatten the curve.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes