shown Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious shown puns

IT guy

John is being shown around the office by his new boss. They enter the IT department and John sees a man using two keyboards at once. "That's incredible", says John. "Trust a geek to use two keyboards at once". "Hey!" replied his boss. "That's stereotyping. "

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Why is Jesus always shown having a 6 pack?

Because of all his cross training

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Birthdays are good for your health

Studies have shown that people with more birthdays live longer.

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Recent studies have shown that 67% of women have used vibrators

The other 33% have brand new ones

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Studies have shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

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Man arrested for selling eternal youth pills.

News has just come in about a man in the Dublin area has been arrested for selling pills that he claimed would give eternal youth.

Police records have shown that it is the fourth time this man has been arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921.

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A recently deceased man was being shown around heaven.

St Peter was looking after him by showing him the various facilities that were available. At the end of the tour, St Peter asked the man if he had any questions.

The man could only think of one. He pointed to a long wall running along one side. "Why do you have a wall there?" asked the man.

St Peter sighed and said, "That is for the Catholics. They`re on the other side. They like to think that they are the only ones here."

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Studies have shown horses exposed to marijuana are less stable and unsafe to ride.

So get off your high horse.

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Research has shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

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A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around.

A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around. He is surprised to be living with his wife and an ex from college. An angel explains "In heaven, you spend your time with the people you had sex with the most times".

The man thinks this could cause trouble and asks if there is any way to appeal the decision. The angel tells him he could speak to one of the priests. The man asks where to find a priest. The angel replies "They are easy to find, just look for a crowd of choir boys".

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Hillary was shown a video of her flip-flopping on issues all over her career.

At first, she was upset. Now she says she's ok with it.

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A mechanic just recently died

... and not being a very religious man, gets sent to hell. Well, while in hell, the mechanic meets Satan, and he is shown the ins and outs of Hell.

While wandering, the mechanic starts doing the thing he's best at, fixing things. In a matter of weeks, Hell has air conditioning, working TV's and indoor plumbing, all being constantly maintained and improved by the mechanic.

Seeing this from heaven, God calls Satan over and demands to have the mechanic as Hell is supposed to be an awful place and shouldn't have any luxuries. Satan refused, and God threatened to sue him for the mechanic. Satan looks up and says, "where are you going to find a lawyer"

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A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newly weds wanted to try butt stuff...

Or put it another way, 100% of all grooms.

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A man died and gets shown around in heaven by St. Peter

β€žSo, over here we have the Muslims. Very nice people, celebrating that they're allowed to drink up here.

β€žNext we have the Jews. Also really friendly, having discussion groups with God himself from time to time.

β€žThere are the Buddhists, really relaxed people, just enjoying themselves.

The tour goes on for quite a while like this.

Finally they arrive at a locked door.

β€žYou must be really quiet around here , St. Peter whispers.

β€žWhy, who's in there? , the man asks.

β€žThe Catholics, they think they are alone up here.

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A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news.

A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.

The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!" Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned.

The redhead said, I can't take this, you're my friend. The blonde said, No. A bet's a bet. So the redhead said, Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money.

The blonde replied, Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!

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The Coolidge effect

The President and Mrs. Coolidge were being shown (separately) around an experimental government farm. When Mrs. Coolidge came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, "Dozens of times each day." Mrs. Coolidge said, "Tell that to the President when he comes by." Upon being told, President asked, "Same hen every time?" The reply was, "Oh, no, Mr. President, a different hen every time." President: "Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge."

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A new study has shown that women who get more sleep have better sex.

Unfortunately, the study was conducted by Bill Cosby

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Math and naked women.

A mathematician and an engineer go into a lab for a test. They're led into a room and shown a beautiful naked lady sitting on the table across the way. The conductor tells them that every 5 seconds, they're permitted to walk half the distance closer. The mathematician immediately throws his arms up and leaves. He sees the engineer eagerly awaiting the countdown and asked, "What are you doing? You know we'll never actually touch her!" The engineer smiles... "Maybe, but we'll get close enough for all reasonable applications."

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Heard this one from one if my favorite comedians...

I'll leave out the little bit of backstory.

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law are in a car driving down a highway near Miami.

A cop, who has been following him for quite some time, pulls him over to the side of the road.

The cop walks up to him and says "I've been watching you drive for the past couple of miles here, and you've shown excellent driving skills. You see, every month we have a $500 reward for the best driver. Today's your lucky day!"

So, as promised, the cop brings the man $500, and asks "So what are you going to do with all the money you won?"

To which the man replies "I'll probably use it to get my license."

The wife quickly intervenes, saying "Don't listen to him! He always talks crazy when he's drunk!"

The mother-in-law then says "I told you we'd get in trouble in a stolen car."

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Paddy was coming back from his holiday in America.

As he came through Customs, he had two sacks over his shoulders. The Customs officer asked him what he had in the sacks. Paddy replied Mobile phones.

The customs officer didn't believe him and asked to be shown. Paddy opened each sack and sure enough each contained quite a few phones. "What are you going to do with all these phones?" asked the officer.

"Oh, they are not for me. My friend, who is a musical director, knew I was going over to America. He asked me to bring him back a 'couple of saxophones.'"

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Studies have shown that women who are overweight

Are more likely to outlive men that mention it.

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Surveys have shown that..

6/7 dwarfs aren't Happy

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The wife asked me what I was doing on the internet last night.

I told her I was looking for flights. "I love you!" she said and then she got all excited. That night we had the most amazing sex ever... which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before.

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Recent studies have shown that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy

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The Sex Shop Fatality.

A man walks into a sex shop to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from Β£50 to Β£150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the Β£150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow and get a Β£150 refund and keep the money for myself'.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
"Stone me!" exclaims her hubby. "It wasn't that creased in the shop!"
His funeral is on Thursday.

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A blonde and a redhead..

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend". The blonde said "No. A bet's a bet".
So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money".
The blonde replied "well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!" Β ΰ² __ΰ² 

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An old man goes to the doctor's

An old man goes to the doctor's because he has been feeling bad lately. The doctor does some tests on him and tells him to come back the next day for the results.

The next day the man gets his diagnosis. The doctor says: "Sir, I have bad news for you. You have inoperable cancer. The tests have also shown that you have problems with your memory. It seems you have Alzheimer's."

The old man says: "Well, at least I don't have cancer!"

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A new emotion

So one Halloween a group of friends decided to throw a small costume party with the theme being you need to dress as an emotion. The party begins and everyone is enjoying themselves until they realize that Darryl hasn't shown up yet. The doorbell rings and in walks Darryl stark naked with nothing but a pear impaled on his penis. Everyone is shocked and confused and a few moments go by before somebody works up the courage to ask him what he is supposed to be. Darryl confidently looks at his friends and simply states, "I'm fucking dis-pear."

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Trooper in Iraq

A man recently deployed to Iraq is being shown around his new base. At the end of the tour the commanding officer shows the soldier a camel tied to a post. He says,"The men use this camel whenever they begin to feel lonely, feel free to do the same." The soldier responds,"Oh, I'm sure it will never get to that point, sir. I'm married" A couple of weeks pass and the soldier is really missing his wife and stressing about how much longer he has till he'll see his wife again. One night unable to sleep he caves in and has sex with the camel. The next morning he runs into the commanding officer and says,"It happened, sir. I couldn't take the loneliness and had sex with the camel." Commanding officer baffled,"You did WHAT!? The men use that camel to ride into town to buy prostitutes!"

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Studies have shown that half of the people in this country are slowly going crazy.

The rest of us are doing it quicker.

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A man comes in the front door and says to his wife...

Man: You know darling, today I had to show my grey chest hair to get my pension!
wife: Aw that's a pity love, you should have shown them your penis - you would've gotten disability allowance!

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An Irishman applies for a job at his local stables...

After being shown around the yard the Irishman was asked if he has ever shoed a horse before, After a long pause...

He replies "I've haven't, but I once told a donkey to fuck off"

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A blonde and a red head met in a bar after work...

...for a drink, and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, I'll take that bet!
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said, I can't take this, you're my friend. I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money.
The blonde replied, Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!

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A Brit visits America

A Brit visits America and as part of his tour, he is shown the vast corn fields of Iowa stretching away to the horizon and beyond.

"My word," he says, "What on earth do you *do* with it all?"

The farmer grins and replies, "We eat what we can and what we can't, we can."

The Brit is somewhat puzzled, but after the farmer explains, he laughs uproariously. "Well done, sir, well done!"

When he returns to the UK, a friend asks him what Americans are like. "Oh, they have a jolly good sense of humour. When I asked a farmer what he does with all of his maize, do you know what he said?"

"We consume what we are able, and what we are not, we tin."

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Recent studies have shown that Apple is trailing behind Samsung in innovation

Experts predict that it will take at least another two years for iPhones to bring explosive features to the market.

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What are the most funny Shown jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Shown? Well, here are the best Shown dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Shown pick up lines to share with friends.

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