showing Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious showing puns

I bumped into an old school friend today

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's a fucking optician."

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Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment.

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

"How does it work?"

The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "Hey asshole! It's 3:30 in the fucking morning!"

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I told my boss I needed a raise to stay at work because there are three different companies showing interest in me...

He asked me which companies and I told him, "The gas, electric, and cable ones"

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When I go to a costume party this year, I'm showing up wearing only a pair of jeans.

That way when I'm asked what my costume is, I'll say "I'm a premature ejaculator. I just came in my pants."

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My dad was showing me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex.

The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.

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"No child of mine is going out in a skirt that short."

"Dad, I'm sixteen. I'll wear what I want!"

"Yeah, but son, your nuts are showing."

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I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.

I think it's maoware.

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Extreme Sexual Exhaustion

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

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I can't believe my girlfriend just called me old fashioned

And with her ankles showing, the slut

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I scared my mailman by showing up at the door completely naked

I'm not sure what scared him more; me being naked or me knowing where he lives.

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My girlfriend accidentally discovered a way to get long lashes instantly

By showing a bit of ankles in Saudi Arabia

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So I was showing my friends the first floor of my house

When one of them said "What's upstairs?"
I told him that the stairs don't talk.

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The police came to my door last night showing me a picture...

"Is this your wife, sir?" they asked.

"Yes", I replied.

"I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

"I know, but she's good with the kids."

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no excuses

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

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Know how to get people to stop showing pictures of their kids?

reply with "Mmmm fuck yeah"

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scared the postman

i scared the postman today by showing up to the door completely naked.
im not sure what scared him more, the fact that i was naked, or that i knew where he lived

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I hate it when homeless shake their cups with change in them

I know you have more money than me, stop showing off.

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A recently deceased man was being shown around heaven.

St Peter was looking after him by showing him the various facilities that were available. At the end of the tour, St Peter asked the man if he had any questions.

The man could only think of one. He pointed to a long wall running along one side. "Why do you have a wall there?" asked the man.

St Peter sighed and said, "That is for the Catholics. They`re on the other side. They like to think that they are the only ones here."

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"How'd the session go with your new therapist?"

"It was a waste of time. He just kept showing me pictures of my parents fighting."

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I got a new job at a quarry today, and the foreman was showing me around when

I saw this huge rock. I told him, "Wow! That's a really big rock!"
"Boulder." He says.
**"WOW!!!! THATS A REALLY MASSIVE ROCK,"** I say while puffing my chest out.

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I scared my mailman by showing up to the door completely naked.

Not sure what scared him more; my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

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There's a stereotype that Scottish men are bad at showing their emotions. This isn't true!

I once knew a Scot who loved his wife so much he almost told her!

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My brain is like an internet browser.

12 tabs are open

5 of them are not responding

1 is showing porn

and where the fuck is that annoying music coming from?

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A guy is showing some friends around his new apartment...

...after a night of drinking.

One of his friends asks about the giant gong in the corner of his bedroom.

"Oh, that's my talking clock. Here, let me show you how it works."

He takes a mighty swing at the gong.

***GONNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGG***

Suddenly, a voice from next door screams, "What the fuck are you doing?! It's 3:30 in the fucking morning!"

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A Spanish magician was showing a trick..

"For my next trick, I'll disappear into thin air. Uno, dos."

And he vanished without a tres!

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A French guy...

...is showing me his yachts.

French: "This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six."

Me: "What about the 5th?"

French: "Cinq."

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I hate it when homeless people shake their cups with change in it at me

I get it, you have more money than me so stop showing off

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My friend was showing me his new golf ball.

He tells me, "This ball is amazing, you can't lose it. If it goes in the rough, it makes a beeping sound. It glows in the dark so you can find it when its getting dark. If it goes in the water, it will float and make its way back to the shore."

I said to him, "That's incredible, where did you get it?"

"Found it"

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90% of the Front Page should be tagged as "NSFW"

I mean, with all these assholes showing up...

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[NSFW] A prostitute is beginning her first night of work...

She has another lady of the night showing her the ropes of the new corner.

New girl asks: "girl have you ever been picked up by the fuzz before?"

"No, but I have been swung around by the titties!"

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Why did Adolf Hitler hate math class?

He didn't like showing his work; was only interested in the final solution.

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impress your children by showing them a floppy disk and telling them it's a 3D model of a save icon.

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Why sharks circle before they attack...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.

"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the crap out of them first!"

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He's Serving Her

Little Johnny went to visit his grandfather's farm for a holiday. While grandfather was showing him around the farm, he saw a cock doing his business with one of the hens, and he asked, "Grandpa, what's that?

Grandpa replied, "That's a cock, and that's a hen, and he's serving her."

Further on, Johnny saw a horse doing his business with a mare, and he asked, "Grandpa, what's that?

Grandpa replied, "That's a horse, and that's a mare, and he's serving her."

At dinner that night, Grandma said, "Grandpa, will you please serve the turkey?"

At that, little Johnny jumped up and said, "If he does that, I'm having a hamburger!"

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Mom, is this skirt too short?

Yes. Your balls are showing, Robert.

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What are the most funny Showing jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Showing? Well, here are the best Showing dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Showing pick up lines to share with friends.

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