Showing Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

I told my boss I needed a raise to stay at work because there are three different companies showing interest in me...

He asked me which companies and I told him, "The gas, electric, and cable ones"

When I go to a costume party this year, I'm showing up wearing only a pair of jeans.

That way when I'm asked what my costume is, I'll say "I'm a premature ejaculator. I just came in my pants."

My dad was showing me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex.

The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.

"No child of mine is going out in a skirt that short."

"Dad, I'm sixteen. I'll wear what I want!"

"Yeah, but son, your nuts are showing."

I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.

I think it's maoware.

A Frenchman was showing of his yachts to a tourist

Frenchman: "This one is called Un, this one Deux, this one Trois, Quatre, Six, Se--"

Tourist: "Hold on, why is there no number 5?"

Frenchman: "It Cinq"

I scared my mailman by showing up at the door completely naked

I'm not sure what scared him more; me being naked or me knowing where he lives.

My girlfriend accidentally discovered a way to get long lashes instantly

By showing a bit of ankles in Saudi Arabia

So I was showing my friends the first floor of my house

When one of them said "What's upstairs?"
I told him that the stairs don't talk.

The police came to my door last night showing me a picture...

"Is this your wife, sir?" they asked.

"Yes", I replied.

"I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

"I know, but she's good with the kids."

I hate it when homeless shake their cups with change in them

I know you have more money than me, stop showing off.

A recently deceased man was being shown around heaven.

St Peter was looking after him by showing him the various facilities that were available. At the end of the tour, St Peter asked the man if he had any questions.

The man could only think of one. He pointed to a long wall running along one side. "Why do you have a wall there?" asked the man.

St Peter sighed and said, "That is for the Catholics. They`re on the other side. They like to think that they are the only ones here."

"How'd the session go with your new therapist?"

"It was a waste of time. He just kept showing me pictures of my parents fighting."

I got a new job at a quarry today, and the foreman was showing me around when

I saw this huge rock. I told him, "Wow! That's a really big rock!"
"Boulder." He says.
**"WOW!!!! THATS A REALLY MASSIVE ROCK,"** I say while puffing my chest out.

There's a stereotype that Scottish men are bad at showing their emotions. This isn't true!

I once knew a Scot who loved his wife so much he almost told her!

A Spanish magician was showing a trick..

"For my next trick, I'll disappear into thin air. Uno, dos."

And he vanished without a tres!

A French guy...

...is showing me his yachts.

French: "This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six."

Me: "What about the 5th?"

French: "Cinq."

Never trust German butchers!

They said they had the best sausages in the world

But they kept showing me their wurst.

My friend was showing me his new golf ball.

He tells me, "This ball is amazing, you can't lose it. If it goes in the rough, it makes a beeping sound. It glows in the dark so you can find it when its getting dark. If it goes in the water, it will float and make its way back to the shore."

I said to him, "That's incredible, where did you get it?"

"Found it"

Why did Adolf Hitler hate math class?

He didn't like showing his work; was only interested in the final solution.

impress your children by showing them a floppy disk and telling them it's a 3D model of a save icon.

My local theatre were showing some XXX Roman plays..,

I thought that it sounded pretty hot, turns out it was just 30 Roman plays.

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention.

It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'

'Ah, sire, just observe.' said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for.

He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. 'Merlin, you are a genius!' cried the grateful monarch, 'Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.'

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.

Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.

'Sir Galahad' exclaimed King Arthur, 'the one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!'

But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless..

Whales

A large Humpback whale is lazily enjoying a beautiful day when he sees a female Humpback whale just a little ways off, and he thinks to himself that he's going to try to impress her...

He swims over to her, and breeches the surface, showing off the large hump on his back.

She looked unimpressed as she breached and showed a larger more well formed hump herself.

Now, a little embarrassed, he tries again to impress her by taking a breath and blowing a huge cloud of mist and water with a really nice rainbow in it.

Once again she looked unimpressed and she blew a larger cloud of mist, with a more beautiful rainbow.

Now clearly agitated, the Male sees a Navel vessel in the distance and races off toward it. Just before he collides with the ship, he dives, jumps out of the water and as he sails over the bow of the ship, he plucks a sailor off the deck and in one gulp swallows him whole!

He swam back to her very proud of himself, only to find the female object of his attentions with a disgusted look on her face...

As she swam off she said..."I'll Hump, I'll Blow, BUT I WON'T SWALLOW SEAMEN!

Selling Condoms

An 18-yr-old starts work as a pharmacist's assistant. The pharmacist is showing the new kid around the aisles when they stop at the condom display and the kid asks why they come in different quantities per package.

The pharmacist tells the noob that the 3-packs are for high school guy, who gets it on once on Friday night, once on Saturday and once on Sunday.
The 6-packs are for the more-experienced college guys, who do it twice each on Friday night, Saturday and Sunday.

So the kid says, "what about these 12-packs?"

The pharmacist replies "the 12-packs are for the guys who've been married for a long time - January, February, March..."

(Long) Crashing Plane

The pilot comes on the intercom and announces "ladies and gentlemen we just lost our engines, we are going down, prepare to crash."

A woman jumps up screaming "I AM NOT READY TO DIE, I"M STILL A VIRGIN, SOMEONE MAKE A WOMAN OUT OF ME!

A good looking guy gets up, walks to her, and takes off his shirt showing his muscular chest and six pack abs,

He throws it at her and says; " Here, iron this".

[NSFW] English Exam

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's
final exam. She tells the class there would be no excuse for not
showing up, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in
the student's immediate family.

A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about
extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to
stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored,
the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student shakes her head,
and sweetly says, "Not an excuse........Write with your other hand."

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep...

but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution. "No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material.

Then the mathematician speaks up: "No, no, there's an even better way." To the others' amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares:

"I define myself to be on the outside."

penny scales

A woman stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and put in a coin.

"Listen to this," she said to her husband, showing him a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."

"Yeah," her husband nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

How is marriage and CPR training the same?

You get a certificate for showing you can do it and hope to god you never have to do it again

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

Me to My Neighbour

we get it. you can hold your breath (*looks at watch*) for 19 days. Quit showing off and come out of that pool.

Go tell Mrs. Smith . . .

Six retired Floridian men were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Mr. Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Mr. Jones looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?

They cut the cards. Mr. Miller picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Mr. Miller goes over to the Smiths' condo and knocks on the door.

Mrs. Smith answers through the door and asks what he wants?

Mr. Miller says: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is really afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Mr. Miller.

I don't mind showing up to work

But this 8 hour wait to go home is bullshit.

a blonde and a redhead are at a bar

Enjoying a few drinks after work. The local news on the television is showing a guy a bridge threatening to jump. The redhead turns to the blonde and says "I bet you 20 bucks that he jumps". The blonde thinks about it for a second and agrees to the bet. They continue watch the program and the guy indeed does jump off the bridge. "a bet is a bet" the blonde says as she hands the redhead 20 dollars. Feeling guilty, the red head says "I'm sorry, I cant take your money. The same story was on the 6 o'clock news. They just re-showed it at 8. I knew the guy was going to jump."
The blonde replies " I watched the 6 o'clock news too! I just didn't think he would jump twice!"

A Blonde and her boyfriend are watching the 9pm news

A Blonde and her boyfriend are watching the 9pm news, the anchor is showing a video of a girl threatening to jump off a cliff. The guy turns to the Blonde and says "I bet you $500 she jumps" "you're on" the Blonde replies.

2 minutes later the girl jumps and dies.

As she is pulling money out her purse, the boyfriend says "I feel bad taking your money, but I watched the 6pm news and I saw this story" "me too" the Blonde answered, "but I didn't think she would be stupid enough to jump off again"

A blonde and a redhead watch the news...

A blonde woman and a redhead woman went to lunch. They had
to wait for their table so they sat in the bar and had a drink. The
TV was on and they noticed the news was showing a man on a
rooftop threatening to jump. The redhead told the blonde "I
bet you 50 bucks he jumps." The blonde replied "You're on."
Sure enough the man jumped, so the blonde starts to dig out her
money.

The redhead felt kind of bad so she said "That's okay, I
cheated. I saw this on the 10 o'clock news last night." The
blonde turned to her and said "Well so did I, but I didn't think
he would jump twice in a row!"

I was watching TV last night...

When an advertisement came on showing one of those African babies covered in flies.I immediately ran for the phone and rang the number that came up on the screen.
"I want one of those", I said,"they work much better than those sticky strips I hang from my ceiling".

A man died and went to heaven

As St. Peter showed him around,Β he couldn't help but notice all the clocks on the wall. So, being curious, he asked "What are all of these clocks for?" "Those are lie clocks. Each person on earth has one, and when you lie, the hands move. This one is mother Teresa's. It's never moved, showing that she's never lied. This is abe Lincoln's. It's moved twice showing he had told only two lies."Β 

"That's incredible" said the man

"Where's Trump's?" he asked

"Oh it's in God's office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."

My wife accused me of showing favouritism towards one of our kids...

It's not true; I love Emma and Not Emma equally!

The head instructor at the Al-Qaeda's training camp starts his lesson on suicide bombing...

"Now listen up closely everyone be, I'm only gonna be showing this once".

A painter got a call...

from the gallery that was showing his work. The gallery owner said, "I have good news and bad news. A fellow came in this morning and asked if your work is the kind that would increase in value after the artist's death. I sad yes, and he bought all fifteen paintings. The bad news is that he's your doctor."

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me. I didn't bother showing up.

Hopefully she got the message that we were not working out.

Clocks in Heaven

A woman passes away and finds herself at the Pearly Gates, with an angel showing her around. One thing she immediately notices is that there are a LOT of clocks in Heaven. Billions. She asks the angel who explains. "Everyone, past or present, gets a clock when they are born. Each time you tell a lie, the second hand moves once." She is amazed at this and goes looking.

She finds Mother Theresa's clock and notices it's moved three times. George Washington's clock hasn't moved at all. She's somewhat ashamed that her own is showing it's 18:30.

She begins hunting furiously, unable to find a specific one, however. Finally she gives up. "Where is Mitt Romney's clock!?"

"In Jesus's office. He uses it for a ceiling fan."

My mother in law complained that the thermometer I gave her (which she hung in a very sunny spot) wasn't showing an accurate temperature.

So I told her to stick it where the sun doesn't shine.

Two cows are on a field

one turns to the other and asks " are you worried about mad cow disease" the other says nope. The first cow, was astonished at the ignorance the other cow was showing and barked "WHY?" the second cow slowly turns and shouts "because I am a helicopter"

So I met this girl at a party. Kate.

She's really awesome and about as gorgeous as they come. Anyway, we went out a couple times and really hit it off and I eventually asked her to be my girlfriend about a month later... Then just a couple weeks ago this other girl, Edith, started working at the hospital in the same department as me and had been showing quite a bit of interest. She's just as awesome and attractive as Kate but she has a little more of a bad girl streak in her (which is my kryptonite) so I couldn't make up my mind of who I wanted. So I decided to go out with Edith to see it out and not tell Kate that I was going to do this. Eventually Kate found out about Edith and stopped talking to me completely..which is understandable. But then Edith got mad that I was seeing her while I already had a girlfriend and now SHE'S not talking to me. So now I have no one....I guess the moral of the story is: You can't have your Kate and Edith too..

Go tell Meyer's wife . . .

Six retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"

They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet.
Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door.
The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?

Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.

Have you heard of the rapper showing off cryptocurrency?

He calls himself blockchainz.


PS. Please be forviging. Haha!

"What are you doing?" asked my wife as she walked in on me and our children sitting around the table.



"I'm just showing them these old photos from when I used to be a Boxer" I said, showing off.

"If you turn them sideways kids, it looks like your Dad's standing up"

A blonde and a brunette are watching the news...

A blonde and a brunette are watching the news, and they are showing a woman standing on top of a building contemplating suicide. The brunette says, "I'll bet you fifty dollars, that woman jumps and kills herself." The blonde accepts the bet. After a while the woman jumps and dies. The blonde pays the brunette fifty dollars. After some time the brunette feels bad and says, "I cheated. I saw that story on the news two hours earlier. Here is the fifty dollars you gave me." The blonde says, "So did I, but I figured she would be smart enough to not jump this time."

Jesus and Moses return to earth for a vacation.

They are walking around a lake, and Moses says, "Well J-Naz, it has been a hot minute or two, but let's see if we can still perform miracles." Moses raises his arms, and the waters in the lake part, showing a dry pathway on the bottom of the lake.

Jesus says, "That's pretty gnarly Momo, I bet I can still walk on the water." Jesus steps on the lake and sinks immediately. He tries six more times, and each one is a failure. Finally, Jesus, soaking wet, sits on the bank of the lake and says, "I just don't get it. You were able to perform your miracle with ease. Why can't I?"

Moses replies, "I bet it has something to do with the holes in your feet."

"I'm independent"

Said the Jamaican, showing me his initialised necklace.

Poker

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife... who will it be?"Β 

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."Β 

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him," says Gallagher.

My psychiatrist made me do a Rorschach test today...

...but I don't get it, she just kept on showing me pictures of my parents fighting.

Nerdy financial humor. You have been warned.

I started showing more interest in one of my investments.

It appreciated it.

My dominatrix is busy training a new assistant...

I guess she's showing her the ropes.

A Jewish kid's parents sent him to a Jewish school

After a week he was kicked for bad behavior, so they sent him to another Jewish school. He was kicked from there as well, so they chose to send him to a Catholic school instead.

After a month they came to a school meeting, and the teachers praised the kid and said he does really well.

They asked the kid what was up. He said that at his first day at school, while they were showing him around, the teacher showed him a man hanged on a cross and said "See? He was Jewish too".

A boy and his father are sitting at the breakfast table, when the boy looks up and says:

A boy and his father are sitting at the breakfast table when the boy looks up and says:

"Dad, why are they called butterflies?"

The father has no idea, but instead of showing himself ignorant, he replies:

"Because they are big flies that eat butter."

"Do we have any at home?"

"Well, we have butter in the house, don't we?"

The boy considers this.

"But what about horse flies?" he asks.

"Oh yeah, they eat horses."

The boy's eyes grow large. "A-and do we have any at home?"

"Well, we don't have horses, do we?"

The boy considers this, and then break into tears.

"Dad... D-do we have any cockroaches at home?"

A guy asked me how I lost the finger on my right hand.

I was showing someone how I lost the finger on my left

Fishing not allowed.

Ok, so I remember one from my youth times, hope itΒ΄s not too overused. here it goes:

A man is fishing in a forbidden zone, with a clear sign showing, when a police truck pulls over to confront the man. Seeing the officer coming in his direction, he hides his fishing rod, and silently watches the water:

man: Good morning, officer, is it something wrong?
officer: Good morning, do you know you cant fish here?
man: I am not fishing, sir, why would you think that?
officer: Really? so, why the bucket with fish here?
man: Oh, that! ThatΒ΄s my fish, my pets, I take them here to a swim and later I whistle and they come back, jump back to the bucket and we go home!
officer: You don't say... care to exemplify?
man: Well, sure!

The man proceeds to empty the bucket with the fish into the water, and waits.

(awkward silence)

officer: So... ?
man: So, what...?
officer: ARE YOU GOING TO CALL THE FISH OR WHAT?!?
man: What fish?

My dog is an amputee and his fake leg fell off while we were showing it to our friends.

It was quite the faux paw.

A cowboy walks into a bar.

He throws a coin up in the air, shoots at it three times, and says "My name is Bill, Buffalo Bill". After the cowboy, a stranger stands up, pulls down his pants, showing three testicles and says "My name is Bill, Cherno Bill".

I hate watching Showtime because they are always showing commercials for their own shows.

It's just Shameless plug after Shameless plug.

A man's wife is showing off her new bikini at the beach....

"Do you notice the difference?" she said "I've lost a stone".

The man picks up the smallest pebble he can find and throws it into the water. "The beach has lost a stone. Do you notice the difference?"

A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician are given the task to contain the largest amount of area with a limited amount of fence.

The physicist designs a square fence, showing that a square contains the most area.

The Engineer then designs a circular fence, showing that the area to circumference ratio is better than a square.

The mathematician think for a moment, then starts building a tiny fence around himself. When he's done, he says "I define myself to be the outsideο»Ώ.

Final exam

My psychology professor wrapped up the class and dicussed the final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up, barring a health trauma or death in the immediate family. My friend Johnny smirked and asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"

After the chuckling died down, the professor replied, "Nope, you can use your other hand to write."

Two Aliens

2 aliens are talking in outer space, looking down on Earth.

"It seems the inhabitants of planet Earth have created nuclear technology and missiles" says one alien

"are they showing signs of intelligence?" asks the other

"I dont think so. They seem to be aiming at themselves"ο»Ώ

An act of Kindness....

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.

The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel.

They, as expected, gladly accepted the offer, and were on their way.

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop."And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you.

But, one thing puzzled me.


"Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

Women clock

A woman dies. In heaven she sees a large Wall full of Clocks.

She asks angel: What are these for?

Angel answers: These are Lie Clocks, every person has a lie clock! Whenever you lie on earth, clock moves.

The woman points towards a clock and asks: Whose clock is this? ...

Angel says: Its Mother Teresa's. It never moved, showing that she never told lie.

The woman asks: Where are the clocks of our men?

The angel replies: Those are in our office, We use them as 'OFFICE FANS'

She then asked, what of the women?

The angel replied, 'those are out there generating electricity!'

We hired a teenage girl at my hardware store

I was showing her around the aisles when I picked up something off the shelf and pointed it at my self and made a beeping sound.

I said, "This is a stud-finder" and laughed.

She pulled up her sleeve, showed me her FitBit and made a beeping sound. She said, "This is a pedo-meter."

This guy goes to a psychiatrist.

The doctor shows him an inkblot and asks him what it looks like. 


"A naked woman." He shows him another inkblot and asks him the same question.


"A naked woman on a bed."

Yet another blot, "Naked woman spreading her cheeks." This continues for a while.


"You're a sick pervert!" the psychiatrist exclaims. 
"I'm not the pervert. You keep showing me all these filthy pictures!"

There was a scientific study showing that bearded men are more attractive...

...than bearded women.

A man is showing off his paintings at an art exhibit when he's approached by his agent..

His agent tells him "I've got good news and bad news."

"Okay," says the man, "what's the good news?"

"This woman has offered to buy all of your paintings! She loves them, and she thinks they'll skyrocket in price after your death."

"Amazing!" says the man, "What could be the bad news?"

"Well," says the agent, "the woman is your doctor."

Niagara Falls

A guide was showing Niagara-Falls to a man from Texas and said; I'll bet you don't have anything like this in Texas.
The Texan said; nope, but in Texas we have plumbers who can fix it.

An American, a british, and a chinese man is stranded on a desert island.

The American takes charge.
He orders the British man to take care of shelter, he himself will take care of food, and he orders the Chinese man to take care of supplies.
They all go their own ways.

The american man and the british meet up, the American with food and the British with a place to stay. They wait several days for the Chinese man without him ever showing up.

They start looking for him. They start walking through the dense forest when suddenly the Chinese man jumps up from a bush:
SUPPLIES!
-
.
-
.
-
.
-

A ventriloquist decides to retire to and buy a farm.

So this ventriloquist decided he is going to retire and buy a farm. He sees a farm for sale from an old widowed farmer. He meets the farmer and learns his name is farmer Brown. The farmer is showing him around and the ventriloquist decides he will have a little fun with the farmer. As they walk past the chicken coop the ventriloquist throws his voice. Farmer Brown you need to take are eggs earlier instead of letting us sit on them so long. The Farmer is clearly stunned as the ventriloquist chuckles to himself. Next they go by the cow pen. The ventriloquist throws his voice again and goes Farmer Brown you should warm up your hands before milking us. The Farmer is clearly unsettled. They start to go a little farther and Farmer Brown looks at the ventriloquist and goes. Don't believe the sheep they are liars every last one of them....

So I was arrested for showing my erection to an NPR host...

I don't get it. She SAID she wanted to see more sustaining members.

A coworker is showing a new hire around.

A coworker is showing the latest company hire around the office. How long have you worked here? the new hire asks.
Ever since they threatened to fire me, the coworker answers.

the Queen of England is visting a hospital...

One of the best doctors is showing her around on his trip past all his patients. he walks into room #1 and there is a guy jerking off. The Queen looks at the doctor, with a disgusted face and asks why the man is doing that. The doctor replies that the man has a disease where his testicles produce too much sperm, and that if he doesn't do this, his testicles will explode. The Queen is a bit shocked but can see why the man is doing this.

They then proceed to the next room where they find a patient who is in the middle of being orally pleased by a nurse. The queen again looks to the doctor with a disgusted face, to which the doctor replies; ''same disease, better insurance.''

I like showing women my big bag of almonds.

It's nice when they compliment my nut sack.

A doctor goes to the same bar every day and orders an Almond Daiquiri

He gets to be so regular, showing up at the same time every day, that the bartender knows to make the drink and has it waiting for the doc when he arrives.

One day the bartender goes to make it and realizes he doesn't have any almonds. He does, however, have some hickory nuts. So he mashes them up and whips them into a daiquiri, assuming the doctor won't know the difference.

The doctor comes in and is presented with the drink. He takes a sip and immediately notices something is up.

"Is this an almond daiquiri?" he asks.

"No," says the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

A french guy is showing me his yachts.

"This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six."
Me: where's the fifth?
Him: Cinq.

Can you open your mouth without showing your teeth?

You're hired.

What are the funniest showing jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Showing? Well, here are the best Showing puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Showing pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes