Hilarious Fun Show Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends
A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on 'Take your kid to work day'
As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong
As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"
I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn't show.
I hope she gets the message that we're not working out.
Statistics show that the average person has s**... 89 times a year
Today's going to be great!
Apparently as a 4-year old, h**... was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.
Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.
I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in
The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are s**...?"
Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.
Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".
The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're s**.... Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."
Why did the chef add extra oregano to the sauce?
He was making up for lost thyme.
Thank you, thank you. I'll just show myself out now.
*Wow, thanks! I was expecting a much chilier reception, but your warm comments have kept those fears at bay (that's what you get for encouraging me :)*
Why didn't the bike go to the car show?
Because he was two tired.
In honor of 3/14... TIL the man who discovered Pi had his wife, Edith, leave him over his obsession with math.
Which just goes to show you, you can't have your Pi and Edith too.
At the dentist
The wife says, -I have to get a tooth pulled and I have no time for any anesthesia. Just pull the tooth out as quickly as you can so we can get going!
The dentist was really impressed, -You are indeed a brave woman! Which tooth is to be removed?
She turned to her old man, -Show him your tooth, dear!
A farmer had three daughters...
and each was going on a date one Friday night.
The first daughters date showed up "Hi I'm Freddy here to pick up Betty to eat spaghetti, is she ready?"
Betty left with Freddy.
The second daughters date showed up "Hey I'm Joe here to pick up Flo to go to the show, is she ready to go?"
Flo left with Joe.
The third daughters date showed up "Hello I'm Chuck-"
The farmer shot chuck.
You can explore show espn reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean show idiocracy dad jokes. There are also show puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer c**...?
It had a bad driver!
**bows **
I'll show myself out.
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests.
He says "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says "no son you're not." The drunk turns to the other priest, "I'm jesus Christ" to which the second priest replies "no son you're not." So the drunk says "Look I'll show you." So he walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says "Jesus Christ you're here again?"
Childish but made me laugh
How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Show him a used t**... and ask, "What period is this from?"
Why did the riot police show up early to the protest?
They wanted to beat the crowd.
Bill Cosby is going to have a new show
Women Say the Darndest Things
Why are mountains so funny?
Because they are hill areas.
I'll show myself out
The next person to show me that dress...
...is gonna get a white and gold eye.
Why shouldn't you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she'd just "let it go".
My 6 year old told me this.
I will show myself out now...
Stats show the average person has s**... 89 times per year
Looks like I'm in store for a wild December
Xbox and PlayStation are having a fight...
Then the cops show up: "Wii U, Wii U, Wii U, Wii U..."
My buddy just lost his job at a cinema that only shows Pixar films...
He forgot to show Up
Studies show that a lot of women turn into good drivers
So If you're a good driver, look out for women turning
Two of Trump's wives have been immigrants.
Which just goes to show you that those people will take jobs that no American wants.
A black guy and a white girl are at a party
A black guy and a white girl are at a party. After a while they go together to a room, and she asks excited: "Show me if what they say about black men is true". He grabs her purse and runs
A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom
The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."
The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
Mom finds a large number of b**... magazines beneath her sons bed.
Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss.
"What do you think we should do?" she asks.
Father frowns and responds "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question"
Facts of life
At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he'd be around for his 104th.
"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."
Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog.
You understand it better, but it dies in the process.
See what I did there was use the frog as an analogy to show that exposing the inner workings of a joke would essentially deprive it of its life in that it's not funny anymore. I'm drawing a parallel (and so is E. B. White) to how you basically kill a frog when dissecting it to better understand the functioning of its inner body parts, since there is now little left in the joke to laugh at.
*
A white woman takes a black man she met a club home...
...She takes him by the hand to the bedroom and winks at him and says: "why don't you show me if what they say about black guys is true." So he stabs her and steals her TV.
P.S: don't worry, it's ok for me to make such jokes because I'm racist.
A boy asks a girl to prom..,
..and she says yes. Overexcited, he is told he must show up with a limo and a tuxedo. So he goes to the limo rental and waits in the limo line, and he gets the limo. Then, he goes to the tuxedo rental and waits in the tuxedo line. Finally, the big day comes, and he brings his date to prom. She asks him to get some punch. He goes over to get some punch, and realizes there is no punch line.
A k**... passenger grinningly exposed himself to a stewardess as he boarded the plane.
"I'm sorry," said the woman, "but you'll have to show me your ticket, not your stub."
Tommy comes back off his holiday with his mum and his step dad and the teacher asks him...
"Hello Tommy, did you enjoy your holiday?"
"I did Teacher"
"And did your stepdad take you out, show you things, go exploring?"
"Yes he did teacher, he took me out rowing 1/2 a mile into the lake every day, and then I'd swim back."
"Oh, well, um, it's an awful long way to swim isn't, 1/2 a mile?"
"Oh no teacher, no, it was easy once I'd got out of the bag!"
What did the s**... bomber instructor say...
I'm only going to show you this once.
If I was being subjective, I'd say the greatest science fiction show of all time was Doctor Who, but if I was being objective...
I'd say it was Doctor Whom.
*A joke my son told me* - What do you call it when a cat wins a dog show?
A Cat-Has-Trophey!
What are we doing for Easter?
Wife: What are our plans for Easter?
Husband: I'll be like Jesus. Disappear on Friday and return on Sunday.
Wife: That's AWESOME. I'll be like Mary.
Husband: What do you mean?
Wife: I'll show up pregnant and untouched by my husband.
A man auditioned for a talent show
A man auditioned for a talent show and when he walked on to the stage the judge asked him what was his talent. The man replied "I do bird impressions".The judge said "Thats not something we would be interested in". The man said "Thats ok" and flew out the window.
Do you know how to confuse a coal miner?
Show him a row of shovels and tell him to take his pick.
What does the German say when you show him a good meme?
Danke.
What did the kamikaze pilot tell his students?
Watch closely. I'm only gonna show this once
Body Pain
A brunette goes to the doctor, and says, Doctor I'm hurting all over my body.
That's odd , replied the doctor, Show me what you mean
So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on.
The doctor says, You're not a natural brunette are you?
No I'm a blonde , she replies.
I thought so…. your finger is broken. , replies the doctor.
TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught.
It's called the Tour de France.
An old woman stopped me and asked
"Excuse me, can you show me how to get to the hospital"?
I said "No problem"
Then I pushed her under a bus
I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, I want to sue the airline.
You don't have much of a case, he replied.
A tv show about the earth would be really boring
It would just be the same 4 seasons over and over again being rerun.
The interviewer asked me to show him an example of leadership skills.
"OK," I replied. "I'm hired."
I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend
Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.
I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of Free Bird being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.
Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.
Guy calls in on radio show
**Guy**: Hey! I found this wallet with $2k, an Amazon gift card, and it says it belongs to someone named 'Ryan'
**Host**: Oh how nice of you. Do you want me to ask Ryan to reclaim it?
**Guy**: No, I want to request a sad song for Ryan
Studies show that prostitutes have higher levels of oxytocin than the average person.
Oxytocin is known to increase e**... vocalizations during s**.... Scientists believe that this may be an adaptation to help with pleasing their clients.
It's a very powerful w**...-moan.
So I was showing my friends the first floor of my house
When one of them said "What's upstairs?"
I told him that the stairs don't talk.
Me: "Do you shower after s**...?"
Coworker: "Yes."
Me: "Then you should get laid more often."
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
The show COPS has been dropped from broadcast
honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras.
It was revealing when Americans bought toilet paper at the start of the COVID-19 Crisis
It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, The Average American only cares about his own a**....
My friend and I had arranged a meeting to insult each other but he didn't show up
It was a diss appointment
Two nuns are driving through Transylvania when suddenly, out of nowhere, a vampire jumps on their windshield
The nuns panic and the one driving starts swerving the car to try knock him off, to no avail.
"Quick! Quick! Show him your cross! Show him your cross!", shouts the one nun.
The other nun looks at the vampire and shouts:
"Get the f\*\*k off the windshield!!"
If I was being subjective, I would have to say that the greatest sci-fi show of all time is Dr. Who.
If I was being objective, I would say it's Dr. Whom.
A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub
The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren't mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"
The cop, obviously in disbelief, tells the woman, "Show me."
So the woman tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the woman's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
I invited my buddy to a costume party and he said he was going as his dad
He didn't show up
The show "COPS" is no longer filmed
honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras
Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today?
Because they had to go home and change first.
My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.
One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.
It was a sham rock.
Why did the riot police show up to the protest so early?
To beat the crowd
We should have a TV show where i**... immigrants hunt down s**... offenders for a chance at citizenship
We can call it "Alien vs Predator"
Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.
Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.
2 nuns are in a car at a stop light in Transylvania when a vampire blocks their car...
One nun says to the other Quick sister, show him your cross!
The other nun rolls down the window and yells Get the b**... h**... out of middle of the road a**...!
Have you ever wanted to catch up with first person you had s**... with to show them how much better you are at it now?
I tried, but have no idea which parish he's serving in now.
What did the kamikaze flight instructor tell his students?
I'm only gonna show you this once
A farmer has 3 daughters, each has a date lined up for the night.
The farmer waits on the front porch for the dates to arrive, shotgun on hand.
The first date shows up and says "Hello sir, I'm Eddy, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna go get some spaghetti, is she ready?". The farmer nods, and Eddy and Betty go on their way.
The next date shows up and says "Hi there, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're gonna see the show, is she good to go?". Again the farmer nods and Joe and Flo go on their way.
A while later the last date shows up and says "Sup man, I'm Chuck"
And the farmer shoots him.
Why did Eminem kneel at the half time show?
His knees were weak, and arms were heavy.
What did Owen Wilson and his wife exchange at their wedding?
Wows
I'll show myself out
A company just rented me a limo for $300, but I just found out that it doesn't come with a driver.
So I have a limo but nothing to chauffeur it.
I'll show myself out..,
Why Don't We Have a Reality Show Where Flat Earthers Walk to the End of the Earth?
Because that would be edgy
My 7 year old organically made this up!
Super Bowl halftime show, watching with my wife and boys, wife says The halftime show is a bunch of rappers from the 80's and 90's, including Eminem, I really like him.
7 year old: Mn'Ms are good, but I like Skittles better
Wife: Not the candies silly, the rapper!
7 year old: Why would you just eat the wrappers!?
I planned a date with this girl at the gym today, but she didn't show up
that's when I knew we weren't gonna work out
A friend and I were discussing a TV show and they said that the 32nd episode is undoubtedly the greatest.
Upon rewatching the episode I was shocked to find it was 30 minutes long.
What Ricky Gervais said after taking some digs at fat people at a show
"I don't want fat people to feel uncomfortable at my gigs. So next time, buy two seats"
I can't stand homeless people
Every time I leave work, one of them approaches me and shakes his can full of coins just to show off how he has more money than me.
So this guy lost his right foot in an accident
Lucky for him, he got a great prosthetic, so nobody knew he's wearing a prosthetic foot.
Some years later he met a girl, but didn't tell her about his 'disability'. They got married and on wedding night, he took off his prosthetic foot to show his new bride.
Horrified, she straight called her mom.
"Mum, you wouldn't believe it. He only got one foot!"
The mum then yelled back at her "g**... child, be grateful! Your dad is only six inches!"
I met a girl at a club the other night who said she'd show me a good time and incredibly, when we got outside...
She ran a 40-meter dash in just 4.5 seconds.
Surveys show that 80% of women who wear yoga pants never do yoga …
And 100% of men don't care.
A University of Alabama graduate gets a job
He shows up to his first day of work, and the boss hands him a mop and a bucket.
"Hey! I will have you know I'm a graduate of the University of Alabama!"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the boss said, "let me show you how to use those."
Why did the boomer cross the street?
To show how it's done.
what's black, white, and red all over?
Rihanna's halftime show.
I was so excited to show my teacher my Reddit joke, but sadly she wasn't in today, so...
...the subreddit.
For a while, the magician Houdini used a trap door for every show he did.
It was..just a stage he was going through.
Boss, I'm sorry I didn't show up until noon today, but…
…this morning I unexpectedly became a father .
Well then congratulations, is it a boy or a girl ?
I won't know that for nine months .
My Dad is 69 approaching his 70s
He gets really worried because both his parents got Alzheimer's around that age.
Tells me, son, if I ever start forgetting things or show any symptoms.. I j-ju-just know I can't go through what they did.
So… please.. just … kill me.
Dad that's what you said 5 minutes ago
Bear buys a new motorbike
And he wants to show it off to his friend rabbit. They get on and slowly go up a big hill. Then on the way down they go 80, 90, 100, 110, 120 km/h! The bear then asks the rabbit:
Are you scared?
Nope , says the rabbit, so they finish the ride and get off the bike.
May I try driving now? , asks the rabbit.
Sure, why not .
So they slowly go up the hill again, this time with the rabbit driving. And then they go down 80, 90, 100, 110, 120km/h! and the rabbit asks the bear:
Are you scared?
Nope!
Well you should be, cause I can't reach the brakes.
My wife said, The Last of Us is a strange show, don't you agree?
Me: Yeah, but I've seen Stranger Things on Netflix.
What did the magician say when his assistant died during the show?
Abra cadaver!
A man goes to Spain on vacation
While he's there he goes to a restaurant and the waiter gives him an additional side dish along with his meal
The man loves the side dish and when he asks the waiter what it is, he says "A bull died in a bull wrestling show and these were its testicles"
The next day the man asks for the same side dish but notices that its tiny compared to the ones yesterday
He asks the waiter why they're so small and the waiter says "Sometimes the bull wins"
