Shots Jokes
140 shots jokes and hilarious shots puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about shots that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
- Short Shots Jokes
- Shots One Liners
- Shots Fired Jokes
- Warning Shots Jokes
- Jello Shots Jokes
- Shots Espresso Jokes
- More Shots Jokes
Funniest Shots Short Jokes
Short shots jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The shots humour may include short shoot jokes also.
- A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..."
The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot." - Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors? Easy.
Batman doesn't want to get shot. - My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. You're coming home now! she screamed.
No, I'm not, I laughed.
She said, I'm talking to the kids. - The doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.
- My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house... I told her, "Fear of the CIA".
She laughed, I laughed, the amazon Echo laughed. I shot the Amazon Echo - My wife asked me why I carry around a gun in the house. And I answered, because of the decepticons!
She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, I shot Alexa.
It was a good time.
-
- - Where do horses go when they get sick? To the horse-pital.
Just kidding, they get shot. - The doctor told me I had only six months to live, so I shot him dead. The judge gave me fifteen years. Problem solved.
- As a cop, I don't know how to deal with black people... But I guess I'll take a shot at it.
- The moon landing was staged The moon landing was staged and it was shot by Stanley Kubrick, the reason it looks so real is because of Kubrick's obsession with filming on location.
Share These Shots Jokes With Friends
Shots One Liners
Which shots one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with shots? I can suggest the ones about spots and shot put.
- Eminem has started a vaccine company You only get one shot
- I shot a Black Man the other day I got charged with impersonating a Police Officer.
- Eminem isn't allowed to get the full COVID vaccine He only gets one shot
- How many shots can an irish man handle? about 10 rounds.
- A black guy applied for a job at the LAPD He got shot down
- Alcohol is not always the answer… …but it's worth a shot.
- Chuck Norris was shot today The bullet is in critical condition
- I shot a black teenager the other day I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.
- Did you hear about the photographer who ran out of subjects? He shot himself.
- My doctor said I only have 2 months to live... So I shot him.
The judge gave me 30years. - I shot someone with a starting gun. I've been charged with race crimes
- A depressed Storm Trooper goes to the bar for some jager shots. He goes home sober.
- I shot a black man and got caught I was charged with impersonation of a police officer.
- People who like being photographed in natural light.. ..should be taken outside and shot.
- Why don't black people dream? The last one who had a dream got shot.
Shots Fired Jokes
Here is a list of funny shots fired jokes and even better shots fired puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- This lady was at the gas station pumping gas and smoking a cigarette when her arm caught fire... When the police arrived they shot her for waving a firearm.
- The Dirty Harry line wouldn't have worked in the flintlock era "Did he fire one shot or only zero?"
- My grandfather had a buddy named Will who was shot during WWII... His commanding officer said "Fire at Will!" So everyone shot at Will and killed him
- I was an ISIS photographer for a while but got fired due to the way I was setting up the shots... They said I kept cutting the heads off people.
- What's different about rap battles and American schools? People usually don't cry at rap battles when there's shots fired.
- A bullet that was just shot tells his wife the terrible news... "I've been fired"
- What does a Chicago Cop say after firing six shots into an unarmed fleeing suspect? Stop. Police.
- Did you know that David Guetta was once shot by an Irishman? Fire away... Fire away...
Rick O'Shea, You take your aim... - If the black man got shot, these guys get fired. Secret Service guys, cuz you know.
- Armed assault on the banter convention Shots fired.
Warning Shots Jokes
Here is a list of funny warning shots jokes and even better warning shots puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Someone asked me how dark my humour is Dark enough to get six warning shots in the back
- People often ask me how dark my humor is Dark enough to get six warning shots in the back
- What do you call a black man being killed by the police? A warning shot.
- What's a warning shot that the girl you like is a killer? When you dodge the bullet
- Fun drinking game: Every time your kid whines you have to take a shot Warning: If you play this game, you will die
- A warning shot into the head.
- Warning! No trespassing violators will be shot Survivors will be shot again.
- Did you hear about the SJW that shot up that mall? The news put out a trigger warning.
Jello Shots Jokes
Here is a list of funny jello shots jokes and even better jello shots puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call it when you roofy a jello shot? A Bill Cosby.
- Bill Cosby's drink of choice used on victims... The jello shot.
- Did you hear about the Bill Cosby drink? The Cosby.....Its a jello shot with an ambien in it
Shots Espresso Jokes
Here is a list of funny shots espresso jokes and even better shots espresso puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- One shot of espresso in a coffee? That's a red eye. Two shots? A black eye. Three shots? That's called a JFK.
- What did the doctor say to the art historian? Can I have two shots of espresso in that latte?
- Why do people order espresso shots at Starbucks? Because it's black.
Sorry.
Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Shots Jokes
What funny jokes about shots you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean splash jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make shots pranks.
Clint Eastwood, the Pope, and Yoda walk into the bar...
It was at this point I realized I had done WAY too many tequila shots.
The man says to the bartender...
"Gimme twelve shots of your finest whiskey, and fast!"
The bartender lines up a dozen shot glasses and as he fills them, the man starts to down them one after the other.
Shocked, the bartender asks, "What's the hurry, buddy?"
Between shots, the man replies, "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I've got."
Concerned, the bartender asks kindly, "What have you got, brother?"
The man downs the last shot and puts all his money on the table. "Fifty cents!"
A guy walks into a bar...
sits down and orders 10 shots one after the other without saying anything.
When he finally stops, the bartender is curious and asks him what the shots were for.
"My first b**..." the man replies.
"Oh" the bartender says, "Well then in that case let me give you one on the house."
"No, thanks," the man says "if 10 can't get the taste out of my mouth 11 sure won't."
A sad looking man walks into a bar
And orders three shots. He knocks them back one after the other and orders another three.
The bartender says "I've never seen anyone drink like that"
The man replies "you'd drink like this if you had what I've got"
This continues twice more, shots, never seen it, you would if you had what I've got.
After the fifteenth shot the bartender asks "I've got to know, what have you got?"
The man grins wide and shouts "twenty cents!" he slaps the coins on the bar and bolts out the door.
Genie with a flaw
A guy walks into a bar. He sets a bag onto the bar, orders three shots of whiskey, and slams them all back.
The bartender asks, "Hey buddy, what's the problem?"
The guy reaches into the bag, pulls out a little piano, then set it on the bar. He reaches back inside, pulls out a little stool, and sets it in front of the piano. He reaches in one more time, pulls out a little man, and sits him on the stool. The man then proceeds to play a wonderful sonata that fills the establishment and leaves the patrons in awe.
"Wow, that was great!" exclaimed the bartender. "Where'd you find this guy?"
The man reaches into the bag one last time and pulls out a lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says "Rub it."
The bartender rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. The genie says "I shall grant you one wish, whatever your heart desires."
"I want a million bucks!" the bartender shouts.
"It shall be done." And
A minute later, a duck walks into the bar. And then another duck, and then another. Soon the bar is full of ducks.
"Hey buddy," the bartender says to the man. "I think your genie is a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
"Yeah," said the man. "Do you think I really asked for a twelve-inch pianist?"
Network administrator
A network administrator decided to join the military, and as part of his basic training, he went out on the rifle range.
After taking a hundred shots and missing every one, the man's DI (drill instructor) came by to see what was wrong.
"What's the matter with you?" he asked. "Why can't you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?"
"I was a network administrator," replied the new recruit, "and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see..."
The recruit checked his rifle, checked his rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his finger off.
"Well," the he said, writhing in pain, "the bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!"
Whatever you do, don't tell this joke to a math person; they will just make you upset
Bill is a giant nerd, and he knows that he isn't perceived as cool; in fact, lots of people call him a square. So, in an effort to be cool, he finds some cool guys and decides to go do everything he can with them.
They say, "Hey Bill, we're going to the bar. Want to come?"
He says, "Sure," and comes to the bar. They all order shots and beers. Bill doesn't want to be a square, so he orders shots and beers, and they all have a great time.
Next week, they call Bill up and tell him that they're going to a club. Bill comes along with them. They all start grinding on women and ordering tons of booze. Bill doesn't want to be a square, so he does the same and has a good time.
The next week, they call Bill up and tell him that they're going to a football game. Bill doesn't want to be a square, so he comes along. The guys are all cheering for their team enthusiastically, but Bill just sits quietly in his seat. Finally one of the guys says, "Bill, this isn't like you. Everything else we've done, you've joined in happily. Why won't you root for the team with us?"
Bill replies, "Well, I don't want to be a square. And rooting? Rooting is for squares."
Guy walks into a bar. (yes another one)
Guy walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of tequila "line em up".
Guy starts slamming the shots one after the other.
Bartender says "Hey, slow down buddy!"
Guy says "No way, If you had what I had you'd be drinkin' this fast too."
Bartender says "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know. What have you got?"
Guy takes another shot and says " Oh, about 75 cents."
So a guy walks into a bar...
and says to the bartender "Give me 12 shots of your most expensive Tequila!" The bartender pours the shots and lines them up. The guy starts shooting them back wicked fast, one right after another. The bartender says in shock "Why are you drinking those so fast?!" The guy stops long enough to get out a few words "you would drink these fast too, if you had what I have" Confused, the bartender asks "why? what do you have?"
The guy says "About four dollars"
7 shots
So a man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for 7 v**... shots
The bartender asks the man what's the special occasion the man says
" I just experienced my first b**..." .
And the bartender says "congrats how about a 8th shot on the house" and the man goes
" if 7 shots doesn't get the taste out of my mouth I don't know what will
Heard a vintage 2011 today.
The Navy Seals just invented a new drink, the "bin Laden". Two shots to the face and a splash of water.
Why did President Kennedy never get drunk?
He wasn't very good at taking shots.
A guy walks in to a bar
he orders 6 shots of tequila
bartender says "6 shots? thats quite a bit"
guy says "im celebrating my first b**..."
bartender says "congratulations, let me get you another one on the house"
guy says "thats okay, if 6 dont take the taste out of my mouth, nothing will
A Man Walks Into A Bar...
And orders 3 shots for himself. The bartender asks why 3 shots? The man says that he has two brothers overseas and that whenever they drink, they all drink for each other as well.
A few weeks later, the same man comes in again and orders 2 shots for himself. The bartender asks the man if something happened to one of his brothers. The man replies "Nah, I've just stopped drinking."
A man walks into a bar...
... Approaches the bartender and asks for ten shots of his finest Scotch. The bartender pours the shots and the man drinks them, one after the other, in under ten seconds.
The bartender says "My god, I've never seen anyone take so many shots so fast!"
To which the man replies "Bartender, if you had what I have you'd drink fast too."
"What do you have?" asks the bartender.
"Four bucks."
A new nurse listened while Dr. Bryce was yelling...
..."Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"
The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?"
The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."
Do you know the Pistorious drinking game?
Every time your girlfriend comes into the room you take four shots.
My buddy's first b**...
My buddy Matt walks into a bar goes up to the bartender and asks for 5 shots of whiskey.
Bartender looks wide eyed and says, "5 shots?! whats the occasion young fella?"
Matt says, "My first b**..."
Bartender replies, "First b**... eh? you know what? Ill give you a sixth shot, on the house. Congrats!"
Matt, disgusted, looks at the barkeep and says, "6?!?! Are you kidding? If 5 shots wont get the taste out of my mouth, I don't know what will!"
A man walks into a bar and orders ten shots of whiskey.
As soon as the bartender pours them out, the man slams them down, one right after the other. Before the bartender can say anything, the man orders ten more shots.
"I don't know, maybe you should slow down," says the bartender.
The man replies, already slurring, "You'd be drinking like this too if you had what I have."
The bartender is taken aback and starts to apologize, "Oh I'm so sorry. What do you have?"
And the man says, "About $3."
A man walks into a bar...
A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender: "Twenty shots of your finest tequila, please."
The bartender is surprised, but obliges. The man then goes down the line, taking shot after shot, back to back. The bartender is amazed!
"Wow! I've never seen anyone drink like that before!" says the bartender
The man says: "Yeah, well, when you have what I have, you'd drink like that too"
"Well, what do you have?"
"A dollar."
You guys want to play that new Michael Brown drinking game?
It's easy, you just stand there and take eight shots.
Ferguson joke. Too soon?
Black guy walks into a bar in Ferguson. Says to the bartender, "Give me a Michael Brown." Bartender says "Ok. Put up your hands." the gave him six shots.
10 shots of whiskey please!
A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender pours them and the guy starts downing them. By the 5th one the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You'd drink this fast if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "No money."
You miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take
-Jenny Mccarthy
Have you heard about the Oscar Pistorius drinking game?
Every time your girlfriend goes to the bathroom, you take 5 shots.
A man walks into a bar and orders 11 shots.
The the bartender pours the shots and asks the man what the occasion is. The man says "First time for a b**... today." The bartender congratulated the man and said "For such an occasion, I'll add a 12th shot on the house." The man said "Nah, don't worry about it. If 11 doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, 12 won't either."
Man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.
Man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.
The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be, buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles."
The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
Having a t**... with a mom and daughter
So it was Saturday night and I had no date and decided to drop in at the bar to get drunk and hopefully a girl to get laid with. As I started downing a few shots I noticed this hot looking mature lady ( must be in her 50s) sitting all alone at a corner table getting drunk and this thought came to mind that if she looks so hot for her age then she must be having a hot looking daughter as well and wish I could have a t**... with them. So I went to her table and asked her if I could join and to my delight she said yes. I chatted her up and next thing I know we caught a taxi and proceeded to her home. In the taxi I told her about my fantasy of having a t**... with a mother daughter combo and to my delight she felt it was a great idea and so we reached her home and as we entered she let out a shout,"Mom you still awake?"
"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"
is terrible advice for a recovering alcoholic.
So I ordered the 50 cent at the bar last night...
The bartender gave me 9 shots and took all my money
So a man walks into a bar in Las Vegas
He orders ten consecutive shots, and drinks them all within 45 seconds. The bartender says, "What's with the rush?" and the man replies, "You'd drink this fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" and the man replies quickly, "45 cents."
Someone stole my coffee cup from work today.
Just off down the police station now to look at a few mug shots.
How much did Harambe drink in the bar?
Just a couple of shots
A man walks into a bar...
And he immediately orders 7 shots and a beer for a chaser. The bartender lines up the seven shots and goes to get the beer. When the bartender returned, all 7 shots were gone!
The bartender says, "Wow, you sure drank those shots fast!"
The man says, "You'd drink fast too if you had what I have."
"What do you have?" Asks the bartender.
Then man reaches in his pocket and slaps his hand on the bar and exclaims, "Fifty cents!"
2 n**... walk into a BAR
They each get 10 shots
An alcoholic is sitting at a bar
He orders two shots. He proceeds to pour out the first one all over the bar, downs the second one and then orders two more. He pours out the first one on the bar, downs the second one and orders two more.
The bartender asks him why he keeps pouring out the first shot all over the bar.
The alcoholic replies with "My AA group said all I need to do is avoid that first drink."
Harambe and Cecil the Lion walk into a bar
Bartender asks, "What'll you have?"
They respond, "Two shots, please."
So a guy walks into a bar where Eminem is the bartender
Guy: Two shots please
Eminem: You only get one shot
Went to the bar the other night
There was a guy with five shots lined up in front of him.
I asked him, "What the occasion?"
He said, "My first b**..."
I said, "That's great, let me buy you another"
He said, "No thanks, if five can't get rid of the taste, six won't either"
A guy asks a bartender for a shot
After drinking it, the guys looks into his pocket and says, "Hit me again."
The bartender pours more liquor into the mans shot glass. The man takes the shot, looks into his pocket, and says, "Hit me again."
5 shots laters, the bartender asks the man, "Sir, why do you keep looking into your pocket?"
The man replies, "Well, you see, I have a picture of my wife in here. And when she looks good to me, I'll go home."
A man enters a bar with a revolver
He climb up a table, looked around and yell.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SLEPT WITH MY WIFE?!"
The bar went silent for a minute when suddenly a man at the back says.
"you are gonna need more than 6 shots pal!"
A man walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender pours them and the man immediately downs them one after another. The bartender says " are you ok, I've never seen anyone drink like that." The man replied "if you had what I have you would drink like that too." The bartender asks "that's rough, what do you have?"
The man replies "about $.50".
Have you heard about the Oscar Pistorius drinking game?
Every time somebody goes in a bathroom and locks the door, you take four shots.
A guy walks into the bar and looks the bartender in the eye and says "I need 10 shots"
The bartender lays them out and the man takes all 10 shots back to back.
In shock the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink like that before."
The man replies, "You'd drink like that too if you had what I had."
Sounding concerned, the bartender asks "Oh I'm sorry to hear that, what do you have?"
Man quickly says "2 bucks" and ran out of the bar.
A muslim walks into a gay bar
The bartender ask what he'll be having. The Muslim replies, shots for everybody.
Man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of Jägermeister
Man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of Jägermeister.
The bartender looks at him and says "Wow 6 shots of Jäger! You must be celebrating something."
The man replies,"You bet I am! I am celebrating my first b**...."
"Hey congrats man!" says the Bartender "I'll get you a 7th shot on the house"
The man replies "No thank you. If 6 shots of Jäger doesn't get rid of this taste nothing will."
If people went shopping like they do in RPG games, shop owners would be rich
"I'll take 99 boxes of Tylenol, 99 tetanus shots, 99 vials of clear eyes, and what's in that little box over there? screw it -I'll take 99 of them as well."
"Very good sir, may I ask what you will be using these for?"
"Who says I'm gonna use them?"
A man walks into a bar...
A man walks into a bar and orders 11 shots of tequila, the bartender asks
"oh, is there an occasion for this?"
The man says "I had my first b**..."
Bartender says "well in that case I'll give you another on the house!"
The man replies "no thanks, if 11 don't get the taste out of my mouth then nothing will"
A man runs into a bar...
He runs up the bartender and says:
"Quick! Pour me 20 shots of your most expensive single malt scotch!"
The bartender hurries and pours the man the 20 shots, and the man quickly takes down each one.
The bartender says: "wow, I've never seen anybody drink that fast!"
The man says: "well you'd drink fast too if you had what I had..."
The bartender says: "oh my God, what is it? What do you have?"
The man says: "Fifty cents."
In WW2 you could identify which nationality your opponent was from by observing their behaviors
If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they're British
If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they're German
If they retreat, they're French
If they switch to your side, they're Italian
If they apologize, they're Canadian
If nothing happens for a few minutes then suddenly your camp is leveled to the ground, they're American
How do you make a Tupac cocktail?
Start by putting six shots in it.
Man walks into a bar
and orders 10 shots of tequila. Bartender surprised by the order asks what's the occasion? The man says "I just had my first b**...". With cheer in his voice bartender says "well if it's so, then I'll throw in 1 on the house". the mans says "if 10 shots can't wash that taste out of my mouth, I doubt 11 will"
My barber asked me what I wanted today. I replied, "I dunno. Do something that makes me look more s**...!"
So she started throwing back shots of v**....
Doctor says alcoholism is a disease...
Bartender says get your shots here
If you really want a promotion at work, all you have to do is walk into your office shouting, "v**...! Tequila! Sambuca!" at the top of your lungs...
This will make you the person who calls the shots...
A guy runs into the bar and says, "Quick, pour me 5 shots of your most expensive Scotch."
The bartender pours them and the man drinks them as fast as he can.
"Wow that's the fastest I've seen anyone drink," says the bartender.
"Well you'd drink that fast if you had what I had," the man says.
"Oh my gosh," the bartender says, "What do you have?"
The man replies "50 cents."
A young man sits down at a bar and says, "I want six shots of Jagermeister."
"Six shots!?" exclaims the bartender, "Are you celebrating something?"
"My first b**...," replies the young man.
"Well, in that case," says the bartender, slapping him on the back, "let me give you a seventh on the house."
The man holds up his hand, "No offense, sir. But if six shots don't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!
A man walks in to a bar and says to the bartender "Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!"
The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says "Wow. I never saw anybody put away scotch that fast."
The man says "Well, you would drink as fast as I do if you had what I have."
The bartender says "Oh my god. What is it? What do you have?"
The man looks at him and says "Fifty cents."
Did you hear about the recent polio outbreak among Stormtroopers?
I guess it's because they always miss their shots.
I have a kid in Africa...
I have a kid in Africa and for only 37 cents a day he has a place to live, plenty of food, and all his shots.
The expensive part was flying him there.
Three old women sneak some Jack Daniels into a baseball game, taking shots after each half inning. What inning is it now?
It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded.
Why would antivaxxers make terrible bartenders?
They don't approve of shots.
A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.
In self-defense the man says, Who told you that drinking is bad?
Nun : "Mother Superior told me."
Man : "So, have you ever tried it?"
Nun : "No, I haven't ever taken a drink of hard liquor."
Man : "Well, don't criticize me if you haven't tried it. I'll tell you what if you try it and don't like it, I'll give up drinking for life."
Nun : "Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don't want people thinking I'm drinking."
The man goes up to the bartender and says, Bring me a couple of shots of v**... but bring one of them in a tea cup.
The bartender looked at the man and said, Is that nun in here again?
What do antivax parents order at a bar?
Anything but shots
JFK, Ab. lincoln, & Martin luther king Jr walks into a bar
They get a few shots
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
The nurse sits down at the bar and says, "I'll have a b**... Mary!"
The doctor sits next to her and says, "Give me a r**... and coke!"
The anti-vaxver says, "No shots for me."
She then collapses and dies from polio.
Guy sits at a bar and asks the bartender to line up twelve shots.
The bartender sets up the shots. He starts throwing them back in rapid fire. The bartender tells him to slow down or he's going to kill himself. The guy says if you had what I've got you'd be drinking like this too . The bartender steps back and says what have you got? He tells him, two dollars
It's flu season and I just saw 3 homeless people caring for each other.
They were giving each other flu shots under the overpass. What a caring community we live in God Bless.
After being 3 months sober from drinking, I bought myself a motivational poster to keep my spirits up.
"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." -Wayne Gretzky
A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut you've ever seen...
"Give me two shots of Jack Daniels," he says to the bartender. "One for me, and one for you."
"You know I don't drink on the job," the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.
Downing the drink, the man replies, "And that's why I like you better than my barber."
A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.
By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.
After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to his rival and said with a little smile: "I'm sorry, pal. I put all five shots in the wall."
"I'm sorry, too," replied the other, "because I put all of mine into your target."
A man walks into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila
The bartender lines up the shots, and the man starts taking them one after another.
The bartender says "wow you're drinking those pretty fast"
The guy says "you would too if you had what I have"
The bartender steps back cautiously "what do you have?"
The guy says "fifty cents"
Someone stole my favorite coffee cup right off my desk at work.
Now I have to go down to the police station and look at some mug shots.
An anti-vaxxer is sitting at a bar.
He is a couple beers deep when the bartender shouts Free shots for the bar! On that man over there! And he points to a man the anti-vaxxer can't see.
The bartender then proceeds to walk down the bar pouring shots for each patron. When he gets to the anti-vaxxer, the man stops him from pouring the shot and says:
I have had quite a few beers tonight and I need to work tomorrow. I don't want to be hungover. How strong is the liquor?
Bartender: It's 100 proof.
Anti-vaxxer: That's too much proof for me. I'll skip the shot.
A kind and generous doctor walks into a bar…
Seeing a balance of happy crowd inside she shouts happily free shots for everyone!
Half of the crowd happily get their best whiskey.
The other half of the crowd are unhappy and shout back my body my rights!
An engineer, a physicist and a statiscian go hunting in the woods.
They spot a deer and take turns shooting at it. First goes the physicist. He look at the angle, calculates the speed of the bullet and shoots but his shot goes 50 meters to the right. The engineer says he didn't count for the wind and he also makes his measurement and shots but his shot goes 50 meters to the left. Then the statiscian yells hapilly: We did it!
An old one: A rabbi and a priest go golfing, but the rabbi keeps missing his shots.
Whenever this happens, he angrily exclaims, g**..., I missed! At each hole, the rabbi swears, and at each hole, the priest shakes his head. Finally, on the final hole, the exasperated priest declares, Rabbi, if you continue with this disrespect for the Lord's name, so help me, may He strike you down right here on the green. The rabbi swings, misses, and swears. Suddenly, a lightning bolt descends and incinerates the priest. A heavenly voice then cries out, g**..., I missed!
