Shots Fired Jokes

Three women (a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette) are lost in the forest while hunting.

They each have a shotgun with 2 bullets. They make a fire. Then the redhead gets up and goes hunting. She comes back with 2 rabbits. The other two say, "Wow, where did you get that?" She says, "I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw rabbits. Rabbits ran. I shot. Rabbits stopped." Then the brunette leaves and comes back with a deer. The other two say, "Wow, Where did you get that?" She says, "I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw deer. Deer ran. I shot. Deer stopped." The blonde leaves and comes crawling back, all bloodied and black and blue. They others say, "Wow, where did you get that?" She says, "I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw train. Train ran. I shot. Train didn't stop."

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
”I think you're bad luck."

Two new deer hunters decided to separate to increases their chances.

"What if we get lost?" says one of them.
"Fire three shots up in the air, every hour on the hour," says the other.
"I saw it on TV."
Sure enough, one of the hunters gets lost, so he fires three shots up into the air every hour on the hour.
The next day the other hunter finds his friend with the help of the Forest Ranger.
"Did you do what I said?" asked the hunter.
"Yes, I fired three shots up into the air every hour on the hour, until I ran out of arrows."

Two r**... from Arkansas were out hunting.
They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something.
The first r**... says to the other, "If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you."
After about three hours, the second r**... finds he is really lost.
He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him.
He then waits an hour and does it again.
He repeats this until he is out of ammo.
The next morning, the first r**... finds the second with the help of forest rangers.
He asks the second r**... man if he did what he told him to do.
The r**... answers, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows."

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

Two mexicans are stranded in the desert for days....

... and they're at death's door....
They stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something, they suddenly spy through the heat haze a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with s**... after s**... of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first hombre. "ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
With his dying breath Pepe calls out.... "Ugh, run,amigo, run!! ees not a Bacon Tree".......
"ees... a.... Hambush"

Bill and Ted were at a bar...

Bill asked, "Hey where's Dave? Why isn't he here tonight?"
"Dave is dead," said Ted.
"How?"
Ted said, "Well, he was supposed to pick me up, but when he got to my house, he hit my Ferrari in the driveway, flew through his own windshield, and crashed through my kitchen window."
"What a terrible way to die!"
"Well, no, that didn't kill him. He tried to get up off of my kitchen floor, and he grabbed the handle of my refrigerator door for balance, but the fridge tipped over. It knocked down my china cabinet as well, and everything fell on him."
"Flattened by a refrigerator? That's horrible!"
"That didn't kill him either. He managed to stand up but he fell again, this time into my fireplace. He caught on fire, and started running frantically about. Everything he touched caught on fire, and he looked like he was in a lot of pain."
"That's the worst thing yet! Oh man, poor Dave!"
"No, he was still alive after that."
"Wait, he survived all that? How exactly did he die?"
"Well, I shot him. He was destroying my house."

A physicist, engineer, and statistician go hunting...

After a long day of no luck, they are walking back dejectedly, rifles slung over their shoulders. Suddenly, they spot a deer in a clearing 150 feet away.
"I'll get him," the physicist says, doing some quick calculations and taking aim. BANG! The shot goes 10 feet long, but amazingly, the deer continues grazing.
"You idiot," the engineer says, "you didn't account for gravity or drag!" -- so he pulls out his notebook, does some quick calculations, and fires using his recalibrated aim. BANG! But the shot falls 10 feet short.
Suddenly, the statistician shouts: "We got him!"

Bob and Jim go hunting.

After spending several hours wandering through the woods, they become thoroughly lost in the wilderness. Disoriented, they sit down to discuss what to do next.
"Hey, I have and idea," says Bob. "If we each fire three shots into the air, someone will hear them and come to help us." So each of them fires three shots into the air.
An hour later, nobody has come to help Bob and Jim, so they decide to fire three more shots.
Another hour passes, and Bob and Jim are still lost and alone. "OK, let's try this one more time," says Bob.
"Dude, this had better work," replies Jim. "These are our last arrows."

Always there for you.

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. And you know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."

A woman pregnant with triplets gets shot

A 9 month pregnant woman with triplets is waiting in line at the bank when robbers run in and start firing shots. The woman gets shot in the belly 3 times and is taken to the hospital. After the surgery the nurse tells the woman that she will be fine and that her babies are fine too, however, this is an unusual situation where the bullets are in each of her babies and after some years the bullets will come out.
Ten years later, one of her daughters comes crying to her. She asks, "whats wrong sweety?" "Mommy, I was peeing and a bullet came out," replied the daughter. The woman remembers what the nurse had told her years ago so she tells her daughter, "Its okay Christy. It happens."
A couple weeks later, her second daughter comes crying to her. She asks, "whats wrong sweety?" "Mommy, I was peeing and a bullet came out," she says. The woman again calms down her daugher, "Its okay Jenny. It happens."
A couple weeks later, her son comes crying to her. She asks, "what is it Johnny? Did you pee and a bullet came out?" Johnny says, "no. I was jacking off and I shot the dog!"

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead spy get caught behind enemy lines...

The enemy puts each of them against a fence to be shot.
The general orders his squad, "Ready. Aim."
The brunette spy is quick on her feet and yells, "TORNADO! TORNADO! TORNADO!"
The entire firing squad goes to the bunker to hide and waits for the tornado to pass. The brunette then unties her b**... and escapes. The redhead spy sees this and comes up with her own plan. The firing squad returns to kill the remaining two spies.
The general orders again, "Ready. Aim."
The redhead spy then shouts, "EARTHQUAKE! EARTHQUAKE! EARTHQUAKE!"
The enemy takes cover from the earthquake. The redhead spy then unties her b**... and escapes. The blonde spy is no dumby she gets an idea of her own. The firing squad returns to kill the last remaining spy.
The general orders once more, "Ready. Aim."
The blonde spy ready to run yells, "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!"

A Finnish WWII air force verteran was about to give a talk to an American high school.

He was stereotypically Nordic: pale skin, fair hair, and a heavy accent.
He introduced himself and began with a vivid description of his first dogfight in the Lapland War. "Literally the moment after we take off and got through the fog we saw them. Eight pesky Fokkers were spread out and firing in front of me and my buddies. We had to go in defense position and try to outflank them, but they got flight leader. On second approach we shot a few down and dispersed the rest. On third approach I shot two Fokkers down, but another one got me in the rudder. I went into tail spin and had to bail out. Luckily the f**...-"
The principal of the school suddenly interjected, as at this point nearly everyone was laughing. "Now, students, please be respectful of our guest and where he is from. As some of you may know, a Fokker," the principal said slowly, carefully pronouncing the word, "is a type of German fighter plane used in World War II. There is no need to-"
The Finn had to interrupt, "Excuse me Mr. Principal, actually Fokker is Dutch. We were shooting down Messerschmitts."

worst day

A small man sits in a bar with his beer. Suddenly another, larger man comes into the bar walks up to the small one hits him on the shoulder grabs his beer and drinks it in one shot. The small one then starts to cry horrible. The other man who feels sorry for him now says: "Hey man, it's just a beer, i'll get you another"
The small man continues crying and replies: "Just a beer? Then listen what happened to me today.
I got fired, my wife left me, got thrown out of my house, my bank account got closed. I decided to take my life.
I want to cut my wrists, knife blunt.
I lay on the railway, dead track.
I want to hang myself, rope tears.
Now I buy beer with my last money left pour poison into it, and you take it away and drink it"

Three American Indians get lost in the forest..

Indian No.1: "What do we do?"
Indian No.2: "I don't know, we're Indian, we're not supposed to get lost in the forest!"
Indian No.3: "We could do like the white man and fire three shots into the air."
Indian No.2: "How does that help?"
Indian No.3: "Well, when the white man gets lost in the forest, he fires three shots into the air and then somebody comes and saves him."
Indian No.2: "That sounds like a great idea!" *Points to Indian No.1 and says*: "Go ahead and fire three shots in the air."
*Indian No.1 fires three shots into the air and they wait. After an hour, nothing happens.*
Indian No.1: "So, how long are we supposed to wait?"
Indian No.2: "I don't know. I guess it depends how close they are. Maybe we should try again?
Indian No.3 *(to Indian No.1)*: "Yeah, try firing three more shots in the air."
Indian No.1: "I would, but I only have two arrows left."
*This joke was told to me by a Sioux elder who also told me: "If you're not worth laughing at, you're not worth much." Of course, he was referring to the fact that we must be allowed to laugh at each other.*

worst day

A small man sits in a bar with his beer when another, larger man comes into the bar walks up to the small one, hits him on the shoulder grabs his beer and drinks it in one shot. The small one then starts crying horrible. The other man starts to feel sorry for him and says: "Hey man, it's just a beer, i'll get you another" The small man continues crying and replies:
"Just a beer? Then listen to what happened to me today. I got fired, my wife left me, got thrown out of my house, my bank account got closed. I decided to take my life. I want to cut my wrists, knife blunt. I lay on the railway, dead track. I want to hang myself, rope tears. Now I buy some beer with the little money I have left, pour poison in it, and you drink it!"

The Spy Test

Three candidates for being a spy are given the final test. Each one is given a gun and taken to a house with orders to kill whoever is in there. Unbeknownst to the candidates, at that house is each candidate's wife and the gun is filled with blanks.
The first candidate goes in and the spy masters wait outside listening. There is silence and moments later the candidate exits and apologizes, having not fired the gun, saying he couldn't do it. They thank him but inform him he has failed.
The second candidate goes in and the spy masters wait outside listening. There is silence and moments later the candidate exits and apologizes, having not fired the gun, saying he couldn't do it. They thank him but inform him he has failed.
The third candidate goes in and the spy masters wait outside listening. Moments later, they hear shots fired. Pleased with themselves they wait for him to exit. They sit and wait and after a while he finally exits. They congratulate him on passing the test.
One asks "So what took you so long after you shot at your wife?"
"Well the gun didn't work. So I had to strangle her and that took a little while."

Devoted wife

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.
When he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
"When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
"You know what? "
"What, dear? " his wife asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck. "

Women on death row

Three women, a red head, a brunette, and a blonde are on death row for unspeakable crimes. Instead of the electric chair, they are to be shot by a squad of soldiers. The red haired girl is first, but she has an idea. The commander starts the count down: 3...2..1... The girl yells: "Earthquake!" Everyone is startled and confused and she escapes. Up next is the brunette. She catches on the idea as well. The countdown starts again: 3..2...1... She yells: "tornado!!" Like the girl before her, she also escapes during the confusion. Finally it's the blonde's turn. She too has figured out the trick. Again the countdown starts: 3..2...1..
She yells: "Fire!!"

Topical Jokes for 6/20

(For best results, imagine these being read by your favorite late night personality)
In Maryland, two teenagers have won a marbles championship. The winning teens quickly said thank you, then boarded their time machine, to return to the year 1937.
In Illinois, a university is offering a scholarship for students who play video games. The school was then forced to suspend the program when a student found out you could get unlimited scholarships, by pressing up up, down down, left right, left right, and B, A.
The Governor of Florida signed a law today making it legal to fire a warning shot at an attacker. The legalization of warning shots is important in Florida, because that's how people greet each other.
Starbucks is increasing the price of it drinks and bagged coffee. To protest the price hikes, customers vowed to boycott Starbucks, and go across the street — to a *different* Starbucks.

Never Assume

With his request approved, the Bulletin newspaper photographer quickly used his mobile phone and called the Townsville airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hangar.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go!"
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind, and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over Mount Stuartvand make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides."
"Why?"asked the pilot.
"Because I'm a photographer for the Bulletin" he responded, "and I need to get some close-up shots."
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, then he stammered, "So, what you're telling me is, you're not my flight instructor?"

Three guys are at a firing squad...

...and are being shot in public. The first guy, who is not willing to die, thought of a great way to trick the firing squad. As they were getting ready to shoot the guy, he pointed behind the squad and yelled, "Avalanche!" The firing squad and the crowd fell for the trick, and as they turned their back, the guy ran away. The second guy did the same thing, but this time, shouting, "Flood!" Again, the firing squad and the crowd fell for it, and the guy ran away as they turned their back. The third guy was impressed, and decided to try the trick himself. As the squad was about to shoot him, he shouted out, "Fire!"

Three guys are at a firing squad...

...and they will be shot in public. The first guy, not willing to die, thought of a great way to trick the squad. Just as the guns were raised to shoot him, the guy pointed behind the squad and shouted, "Avalanche!" The firing squad was tricked, and as they looked behind them, the guy ran away. The second guy decided to try the same trick himself. So as the guns were raised again, he pointed behind the squad, shouting, "Flood!" Again, the squad fell for it, and as they looked behind them, the second guy ran away. The third guy was utterly impressed by what the first two guys did to save themselves, so he decided to try out the trick himself. As the guns were raised once more to shoot him, the third guy shouted out, "Fire!"

A quote from a WWII veteran...

If you see a group of soldiers but don't know where they're from fire a stray bullet in their direction and see how they react.
If they respond with precise rifle fire they're British.
If they respond with a frenzy of machine gun fire they're German.
If they try running away they're Italian.
If they throw their guns on the ground and surrender they're French.
If nothing happens at first but five minutes later the area you shot the bullet from is bombarded with airstrikes and mortars they're American.

An English man, a Welsh man and an Irish man sign up for the SAS...

An English man, a Welsh man and an Irish man sign up for the SAS. The commander decides to put them to the test to see if they have what it takes.
He gives the English man a gun and says 'through that door is your wife, kill her.' The English man looks appalled and says 'I can't do that I love her and we have two children'
He gives the gun to the Welsh man and says 'through that door is your wife, kill her.' The Welsh man walks through the door but walks out immediately 'I can't kill my wife, I love her and we have 3 children.'
The commander gives the gun to the Irish man and says 'through that door is your wife, kill her.' The Irish man walks through the door and the commander hears three shots fired and then a lot of grunting and groaning.
The Irish man comes out of the room and the commander says 'what happened?' The Irish man replied 'Well commander the gun was full of blanks so I had to strangle her."

3 men are lined up for the firing squad...

...and they will be shot in public. The first guy, not willing to die, thought of a great way to trick the squad. Just as the guns were raised to shoot him, the guy pointed behind the squad and shouted, "Avalanche!" The firing squad was tricked, and as they looked behind them, the guy ran away. The second guy decided to try the same trick himself. So as the guns were raised again, he pointed behind the squad, shouting, "Flood!" Again, the squad fell for it, and as they looked behind them, the second guy ran away. The third guy was utterly impressed by what the first two guys did to save themselves, so he decided to try out the trick himself. As the guns were raised once more to shoot him, the third guy shouted out, **"Fire!"**

Husband in coma

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."

Two hunters are lost in woods.

After spending several hours wandering through the woods, Bob and Jim are thoroughly lost. Disorientated, they sit down to discuss what to do next. "Hey, I have an idea," says Bob. "If we each fire three shots into the air, someone will hear them and come to help us."
Jim agrees, so each of them fires their shots. An hour later, nobody has come to help, so they decide to fire three more shots. Another hour passes - still no one.
"Okay lets try this one more time" says Bob.
"Dude, this had better work," replies Jim. "These are our last arrows".

In ww2 you could identify which nationality your opponent was from by observing their behaviors

If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they're British
If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they're German
If they retreat, they're French
If they switch to your side, they're Italian
If they apologize, they're Canadian
If nothing happens for a few minutes then suddenly your camp is leveled to the ground, they're American

Target practice

Out on the shooting range in an area where hunting is forbidden, I encounter two chinese gentleman curious about what happens at this place.
They politely ask if this is where they can shoot some rabbits. No no, I say, shooting rabbits is not legal here. You are only allowed to practice firing at the designated targets, you know for fun.
"Ahhhh" they remark. Taking a seat, staring at the field ahead of them. Guns on the ground next to them. Puzzled, I ask if they're going to take a few shots at the targets.
"Yes" they reply, "We wait for rabbit to move in front of target".

An archery contest

Once upon a time there was an archery competition.
The first contestant, wearing a long cape covering his face, put a watermelon on a volunteer, took 100 paces away then turned and fired. The watermelon exploded. The archer took off his cape and claimed: I AM ROBINHOOD!
The second one with a hood put an apple above the volunteer head, took 200 paces and fired right through the apple. He then removed the hood and shouted: I AM BAYEK OF SIWA!
Finally, a third man with a mask lined up in position. He put a grape on the volunteer's head and went away for 500 paces. He shot, then grinned and said: ^^^^^I ^^^^^am ^^^^^sorry .

Little man in a bar, staring sadly at a shotglass for hours.

A big burly guy comes in, slaps him on the back, and downs the shot in a single gulp. The little guy bursts into tears.
"Hey, calm down, man, it was just a joke," says the big guy. "Look, I'll buy you another drink."
"No, you don't understand!" blubbers the little guy, struggling to keep it together. "I'm having the worst day of my life! Today at work, I flubbed a big sales deal. The boss chewed me out in front of the whole company and fired me on the spot. I came home early to find my wife in bed with another man. And just when I had decided to end it all, you went and drank my poison!"

The IT man

One of Microsoft's finest technicians was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!

A CEO, a priest, and two lawyers are at a bar.

The older lawyer is mentoring the younger one. A guy on the left asks for a flaming shot, but the bartender trips, and lights the bar on fire. Everyone is running away, when a wooden bar collapses on them.
When everyone comes too, the CEO, the priest, and the older lawyer are all trapped under rubble.
The young lawyer says "I only have time to save one of you, so let's have a bidding war."
The CEO calculates the lowest safe bet and says "Ten Million!"
The Priest says "God will not forget this!"
The older lawyer cries, wipes his face, and says "I have never been so proud in my life!"

Tender Moments!!!

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered with eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you were still by my side. You know what Martha?" "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."

A beautiful black woman was filling her car with gas...

I noticed that she wasn't paying much attention; she was looking at her phone as she removed the pump from her car and accidentally spilled gasoline on herself.
As she got into her car she pulled out a cigarette and lit it, but the gasoline on her arm set on fire. Luckily, there was a cop a couple pumps away, so she ran out of her car and ran at him, waving her burning arm at him for help.
The cop was completely caught off guard and, in his confusion, he shot her.

I wasn't that surprised though... it was her fault for running at him with a firearm.

I was out hunting and got lost with my dad...

We were wandering around the woods for hours with no sight of the road. The sun was starting to set so I say to my dad,
I hear when you get lost, you are supposed to fire three shots in the air, and someone will come rescue you.
He said that sounded like a great idea! So he set off three shots into the air and we start to wait.
About 45 minutes pass and no one comes for us. I tell my dad to fire three more shots into the air. He does and This time we wait about an hour and a half. Still no one comes.
I tell my dad to try one last time but he says to me,
I'm sorry son, I'm all out of arrows.

Bad luck

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears:
'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?'
'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck...'