shotgun Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious shotgun puns

Man, I still remember my grandpa's last words...

"Stop playing with that shotgun you little fucking cunt."

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A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof

So he looks up the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he"ll be there in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a huge, ferocious looking dog.

"What are you going to do?", the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with the bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will be subdued enough for me to lock him in the cage in the back of the van.", says the gorilla remover and hands him the shotgun.

"What's the shotgun for?", asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog."

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A guy walks in to his backyard and sees a gorilla in his tree

He gets online and finds a man who specializes in gorilla removal. When he arrives at the house he has a stick, a set of handcuffs, a chihuahua, and a shotgun.
He tells the homeowner "I'm going to climb up in the tree and use the stick to hit the gorilla until he falls out of the tree. Upon landing, the trained chihuahua will viciously lunge for the gorillas genitals and when he attempts to protect himself we will slap on the handcuffs."
The homeowner, a little bewildered, says "that's crazy enough it just might work, but what is the shotgun for?"
"If I fall out of the tree first....shoot the chihuahua."

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I yelled "shotgun", long before anyone else, but I still got to sit in the backseat.

I hate cops.

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A farmer's 3 daughters are going on a date

A farmer is concerned that all 3 of his daughters are going on a date tonight. He decided he'll greet each man who shows up tonight with his shotgun in hand.

The first man to ring the doorbell greets the farmer with, "Hi, my names Joe.
I'm here for Flo.
We're going to see the show.
Is she ready to go?"

The farmer likes this fellow and sends Joe and Flo off.

The second man to show up says,
"Hello, I'm Eddy.
I'm looking for Betty.
We're gonna go eat some spaghetti.
Is she ready?"

The farmer decides this guys okay too so off they go.

The third man rings the doorbell says,
"Hey, my name's Chuck."

And the farmer shot him.

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I called Shotgun long before anyone else did, but I had to still sit in the back seat.

I hate cops.

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A blind man walks into a gay bar.

He walks up to the lesbian bartender and says "hey you wanna hear a blonde joke?". The bartender says "Let me tell you a few things since you're blind, I am a blonde bartender who keeps a shotgun under the table. The bouncer is a 6ft blonde with a 4th degree black belt in judo. The woman beside you is a blonde biker with the local gang. The owner of this bar is a blonde army veteran who did four tours in Iraq. Now do you really want to tell that joke here?". The blind man thinks for a second and says "Naaahh, not if i have to explain it four times."

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Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of the math class...

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.

"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

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Gorilla in my tree!

A guy goes outside to mow the lawn and sees a gorilla up in his tree. He calls animal control, they say the gorilla is from the zoo and they will send an expert over right away.

The expert shows up in a van, opens up the van and removes a coil of rope, a net, a pointy stick, a pet carrier with a dog in it, and a shotgun. The homeowner looks at these tools and says "How is this going to work?"

The expert says "I'm going to use the rope to climb up the tree. I poke the gorilla with the stick, the gorilla falls out of the tree, the dog run over and hold the gorilla by biting him on the balls, then you throw the net over the gorilla until I can get down and put him in the van."

The guy says "OK, but what's the shotgun for?"

The expert says "If the gorilla knocks *me* out of the tree, *you shoot that fucking dog!*"

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A farmhand hits a pig with his truck

A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off.

About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the wiggling pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped. "The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

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The Farmer's Daughters

Farmer Brown had 3 lovely daughters. The daughters announce to their father they are going out on dates that night. Farmer Brown agrees under the condition that he gets to talk to each of the young men first.
The first young man knocks on the door and Farmer Brown answers the door with his shotgun and says, "What is your business young man?" to which the young man replies, "My name is Eddie, I'm her for Betty, we're going to have spaghetti, is she ready?" The farmer decides Eddie is OK, gives his consent, and Betty and Eddie take off.
The next young man knocks on the door. Farmer Brown answers the door with his shotgun and says "What do you want?" and the young man says, "My name is Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she set to go?" The farmer looks him over carefully, decides he's OK and off run Joe and Flo.
Finally the last young suitor knocks on the door. Farmer Brown growls, "What do you want?" to which he replies, "My name is Chuck..." and Farmer Brown shoots him

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A farmer has three daughters who all have dates tonight...

The doorbell rings and the farmer, armed with a shotgun answers the door to find a boy. The boy says, "Hello I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The farmer thinks that the boy is very clever so he calls to Flo and sends her off with Joe

The doorbell rings again a little later and it's another boy. He says, "Hello I'm Eddy, I'm here for Betty, we're going to eat spaghetti, do you know if she's ready?" The farmer thinks that Eddy is just as clever as the first boy so he calls for Betty and sends the couple on their way.

The doorbell rings a third time and at the door is another boy. The boy says, "Hello I'm Chuck..." So the farmer shoots him in the face.

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A farmer has triplets, and they're getting ready for prom night

.
The first date arrives, and in redneck tradition, the farmer greets him with a shotgun in hand. The boy tells the farmer, "My name is Teddy, I'm here to pick up Betty, we're going to get spaghetti, is she ready?" The farmer looks the boy over, and then calls Betty to go with him.

The second date arrives, and greeted by shotgun, nervously states, "My name is Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're gonna see a show, can she go?" The farmer thinks for a moment, then lets Flo go with Joe.

The night's third suitor rings the bell. He says "My name is Chuck-" and the farmer shoots him.

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Bank robbery

A woman works in a sperm bank, and is at the front desk one day, when a man in a balaclava bursts in, brandishing a shotgun.

"Open the safe!" he demands.

"I don't think you understand", she explains, "this is a *sperm* bank, there's no money here"

"Just do it!" he shouts, pointing his gun at her. She complies, and opens one of the large refrigerator units behind her. "Take out one of those jars!" screams the robber. She takes out a jar.

"Now! Drink it!" he demands. Terrified, the woman complies and drinks the contents of the jar. "Now drink another!" shouts the robber. Again, she complies, for fear of her life. "Now another!" he shouts. Once more, she drinks from one of the jars.

At this point, the robber whips off his balaclava and it's the woman's husband.

"See? It's not that fucking hard, is it?" he shouts.

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I got arrested at the airport last week.

Appearently security doesn't like it when you call shotgun before boarding the plane.

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Three boys are hanging around a farm trying to get a glimpse of the farmer's daughter showering.

The farmer notices them and he grabs his shotgun. They run and hide in the barn, each in one sack. The farmer arrives at the barn, and notices the 3 sacks.

He kicks one. From the sack, a sound comes out: Meow!

"Must be a cat." He moves on.

Kicks the second sack: Woof! Woof!!

"Must be a dog." He moves on.

He kicks the third sack: The sack says: "Potatoes!"

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I don't get why I just got seated in the back of the police car...

I clearly called shotgun.

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There once was a farmer with three daughters.

They were all going on their first date at the same time. The farmer, being protective of his daughters, grabbed a shotgun and stood by the door. The first guy came to the door and said

"Hi, my names Joe, I'm here for Flo, we are going to the show, is she ready too go?"
The farmer thought he was ok, so they went out.
The next boy came and said

"Hi, my names Kenny, I'm here for Benny, we are going to Denny's, is she ready?
The farmer thought he was ok too, so they went off. The last boy came and said

"Hi, my names Chuck-"
The farmer shot him in the chest.

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A cop pulls over a car that was going a bit fast on the highway.

He walks up to the driver's door where he sees the driver is an elderly lady.
*"Excuse me, ma'am, can I see your licence and registration?"*

*"Sure,"* she replies, *"but I'm going to let you know in my glove box with the registration I also keep a loaded revolver."*

*"Thanks for letting me know, ma'am. Is there anything else I should know about?"*

*"Well,"* continues the old lady, *"I also keep a semi-automatic in my purse, a shotgun in the trunk, and a compact handgun strapped to my thigh."*

*"Jesus!"* cried the policeman. *"What are you afraid of!?"*

The old lady looked the cop in the eye and said, *"Not a goddamned thing."*

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The duck hunter

Grandpa was a keen country sportsman and one day he decided to take his grandson shooting with him. Togged up in all his hunting gear, shotgun broken across his forearm, he proudly led little Jimmy down to the lake side. After waiting patiently for a while a lone duck came into view flying over the lake. "Now watch this Jimmy," says Grandpa. He takes careful aim and fires. The duck flies serenely on. "My boy," exclaims Grandpa, "you are witnessing a miracle. There flies a dead duck."

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The Native American

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other He says to the waiter:

"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.....

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
the waiter:

"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says,

"Training for position in United States Congress.
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up,
Disappear for rest of day."

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A man holds up a bank

A man walks into a sperm bank with a balaclava and a sawn off shotgun. He walks up to the receptionist, points the shotgun at her and says "I want all of the days takings, right now!!"

She replies "Sir, you're holding up the wrong kind of bank. All we have here is sperm."

He waves the shotgun at her and says "I know where I am, just do as I've asked."

She walks into a fridge, and pulls out a tray filled with little tubs of jizz. She puts them on the front counter and says "Ok here you go."

He points at one of the tubs and says "Swallow that jizz."

She doesn't even hesitate when picks up the little tub of jizz and swallows it. The man points at another, and she swallows that one too.

The man pulls off his Balaclava; it turns out to be her boyfriend. He says "See, it's not that difficult, is it?"

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There once was a farmer with 3 daughters who were all going on their first date at the same time...

The farmer, being protective over his daughters, decided to meet their dates at the door with his shotgun. The doorbell rang, and the farmer answered the door.

He was met with a boy, who said: "Hi! My name's Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show. Is she ready to go?"

The farmer looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next boy arrived: "My name's Eddy, I'm here for Betty. We're gonna get some spaghetti. Is she ready?"

The farmer felt that this one was okay too, so he sent them on their way.

The final date arrived, the farmer opened the door: "Hi, my name is Chuck".

And the farmer shot him.

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Enraged man enters a crowded bar with a shotgun.

WHO FUCKED MY WIFE? He yells.
Somebody from the crowd yells back: YOU DIDN'T BRING ENOUGH BULLETS!

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An old woman calls her doctor.

She said she is tired of living and want to know the best way to kill herself. The doctor says, " Im sorry ma'm but i cant help you kill yourself!" The old woman tells him, "Fine, i will just jump off of a building then." The doctor didn't want that, so he said "Very well. Lay down in your bed and shoot yourself two inches below your left breast." So, the woman called all of her loved ones one last time, got her husbands old shotgun, lied down in bed, and blew her left kneecap off.

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A police officer stops a old women on the interstate for speeding....

....He pulls her over and asks her if she has and weapons in her vehicle. She reply's

yes I have a 22 in my glove box.

He says ok anything else? she says,

yes I have a shotgun in my trunk.

He reply's, is that all. She says

no I have a handgun in my purse.

The police says in confusion

what are you so afraid of?

not a damn thing

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I got arrested at the airport today...

Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.

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A little old lady gets pulled over.

The cop asks for her licence and registration. He then asks her if she has any illegal drugs or weapons in the car.

She says, "Yes, I have a 9mm in my purse, a .357 in the glove compartment, a sawed off shotgun between the seats and an assault rifle in the trunk."

The cop is surprised and says, "Damn granny, what are you scared of?"

She says, "Not a fucking thing."

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I'll never forget my Grandfather's last words..

"Quit playing with that shotgun you little shit!"

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A dad is waiting with his shotgun for his daughters' dates to arrive...

A dad is waiting with his shotgun for his daughters' dates to arrive.

The doorbell rings and the father opens the door to the first young man who says "Hi, I'm Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?" Strange kid but harmless, thinks the dad, and he lets the boy in.

The doorbell rings again. The dad answers the door and the new young man says, "Hi, I'm Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to a show. Is she ready to go?" The father lets him in.

The doorbell rings for the third time. When the father opens the door, the date says "Hi, I'm Chuck..." KABLAM!

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A man takes his friend gorilla hunting...

He says :
"All you need is a trained dog, a net and a shotgun. I'll climb the tree where the gorilla is sitting and I will shake the branches as hard as I can ! As soon as the gorilla falls on the ground, the dog will bite and rip off his genitals. When it's done, you will be able to put the net on the gorilla and capture him !"

His friend asks :
" Yeah, that sounds nice, but what do we need a shotgun for then ?"

The hunter replies :
"If I fall from the tree...kill the dog."

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An old hillibilly with three daughters

An old had three pretty teenage daughters of whom he was very protective. He used to sit on the front porch, shotgun in hand, and run his eye over any potential suitors. If he didn't like the look of them, he'd send them on their way.
One night, all three girls were due to go out on dates. The first's boyfriend drove up and announced: "Hi, my name is Joe, I'm here to get Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The old man decided that the boy sounded OK and he gave his blessing for the date.
Ten minutes later, amother car pulled up. The driver called out: "Hi, my name is Freddy, I'm here to get Betty, we're going for spaghetti, is she ready?" The old man thought the boy was decent enough, so he gave him permission for the date.
Ten minutes later, a third car arrived. The driver called out: "Hi, my name is Chuck..." And the old man shot him.

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My friend said this. Not sure if it was original or not but i have to share it.

"Whenever someone calls shot gun I call Rosa Parks and sit in shotgun anyway."

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After a long winter, a mountain lion, a wolf, and a fox...

After a long winter, a mountain lion, a wolf, and a fox get together and each tells how they spent the winter.

The mountain lion says, "I spent my winter in a pigpen, and each day I ate a pig. The owner counted the pigs, saw that some were missing, and set a trap from which I barely escaped."

The wolf says, "I spent my winter in a henhouse. Each day I ate two hens. The owner counted the hens, brought out his shotgun, and I almost got shot."

The fox says, "I spent my winter at a construction site where there were lots of Mexicans. Nobody counts those bastards."

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A man's three daughters have their first dates

A man has three daughters and they all have dates on the same night. Now he's a protective father so he sets his shotgun by the door in case he thinks they're too shifty.
The first guy walks in and says, "Hey, I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo, is she ready to go?"
The dad thinks, all right, this guy seems okay and lets Flo go out.
Second guy comes and says, "Hey, I'm Freddy, here to pick up Betty, is she ready?"
Dad thinks, okay, this guy seems okay; so he lets Betty go.
Third guy comes in and says, "Hey, my name's Chuck-" BOOM goes the shotgun.

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TIFU and got arrested at the airport...

Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane...

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What's got 24 balls and screws small animals?

A shotgun shell.

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A man awakens to find a gorilla in his tree...

So he looks in the phone book and finds the Gorilla Removal Service.

After waiting some time, a van pulls up. The removal technician climbs out carrying a stick, a shotgun and a Chihuahua.

He tells his client, "Okay how this works is I climb into the tree with the gorilla, poke him with this stick and when he jumps down the Chihuahua is trained to grab him by the penis and carry him into my truck."

The man immediately responds, "Okay, so what is the shotgun for?"

Tech, "Shoot the Chihuahua if I fall from the tree before the gorilla."

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The simple rules of dating

A farmer, Bill, finds out that his three daughters all have dates on the same night. Being protective, as a father is of his girls, he does the respectable thing, and walks to the door each time with his shotgun. At 7pm, the doorbell rings. Bill answers the door and asks the boy there what he wants. The boy nervously says "Hello sir, I'm Eddie. I've come to get Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?" Bill decides this boy has good intentions and lets Betty go out. At 8pm, the doorbell rings again. Again, Bill walks to the door with his shotgun and questions the boy. He answers "Hello sir, my name is Lance, and I've come to take Nance to the dance. The theme is Paris, France". Bill decides that Lance is also a nice boy and lets them go on their way. Finally, at 9pm, the doorbell rings as his last daughter's date arrives. Bill opens the door and sees a delinquent-looking kid. He asks him what he plans to do with his daughter. The boy replies "Hey Pops, the name's Chuck, and I like to-"

And Bill shot Chuck.

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A panda walks into a bar...

Panda sits down and starts eating some peanuts out of a dish on the bar. A few minutes later, he pulls out an uzi and starts firing at all the customers. Panda gets up, and lumbers out of the bar.

A few days later, the same panda walks back into the same bar. He sits at the bar and starts having some pretzels. A few moments later he pulls out a shotgun, and BLAM! BLAM! More dead customers, and off our panda goes into the night.

A week later, same panda, same bar. Panda sits down, picks up a handful of macadamia nuts, and the bartender says, "Hey! Panda! What the hell do you think you're doing? I've barely got any customers left after what you've done. You've got a lot of nerve coming back in here."

The panda eats a few more nuts and stares blankly at the bartender.

The bartender yells, "Well don't you have anything to say for yourself?!?"

The panda stands up and says, "What can I say? I'm a panda. Look it up." Pulls out and AK-47, kills everyone but the bartender, and out the door he goes.

The bartender is beside himself, but the panda has piqued his curiosity. He goes and gets an encyclopedia. He opens to the entry on pandas and reads: Panda: Mammal. Eats Shoots and Leaves.

Edit for spelling

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Today I Called Shotgun...

And the cop still put me in the backseat...

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A man calls home from work to talk to his wife...

When a woman picks up the phone, he assumes that it is that of the new maid his wife hired. He asks to talk to his wife. The maid says "I'm sorry, the Mrs. is in bed with her husband."

"What! I'm her husband!"

"Well who is she in bed with?"

"I don't know. Do you want to make $50K really fast?"

"Ok."

"I want you to take the shotgun that's behind my desk, and then I want you to kill them both!"

The maid agrees to do this, and sure enough, she finds a shotgun. The man hears screaming, which was followed by gunshots and silence on the other end.

"Good. Now I want you to take the bodies and hide them behind the red shed."

"You don't have a red shed. I could hide them in the pool."

"I don't have a pool."

"Yes you do."

"Is this 920-3582 on 1st Avenue?"

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Farmer Joe's Three Daughters

There was once a farmer who had three daughters who all decided to go on their first date at the same time.

The farmer being protective of his daughters, decided to meet all their suitors at the front door with a shotgun.

The doorbell rang and the father answered the door. The lad said "Hi my name is Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show. Is she ready to go?"

The father looked him over, decided he seemed like a nice guy, and sent the kids on their way.

The second guy comes and rings the doorbell. The father answers the door and the guy says "Hi My name is Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're going to get some spaghetti. Is she ready?"

The father looks him over and decides this one's ok too. So he sends them on their way.

The third guy comes and he rings the doorbell. The father answers the door again. The young man starts. "Hi! My name is Chuck!" and the farmer shot him.

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There once was a farmer...

There once was a farmer who was very overprotective of his three daughters.

Turned out that all of his daughters had dates that same night. So he went on to the porch with his shotgun and waited for the dates to come.

The first boy came and said, "*Hi, I'm Freddy. I'm here for Betty to go out for spaghetti. Is she ready?*"

The farmer thought he was decent and let him go with his daughter.

The second boy came and said, "*Hello, I'm Joe. I'm here for Flo to go see a show. Is she ready to go?*"

The farmer thought he was decent as well and let them go on their date.

The last boy came and said, "*Hi, I'm Chuck-*"

*BANG!*

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A careless hunter accidentally shot my atheist friend in the side with a shotgun.

The near-death experience made him a holier man.

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Banker has mid-life crisis and decides to go hunting

After work one day he decides to go hunting to prove his manhood. He drives down the highway and sees a sign "Bear Hunting Season Now Open". Decides bear hunting is the manliest of hunting. Drives into a hunting store and buys a shotgun. Runs into the forest and starts looking for a bear. Spots a bear, aims his shotgun and shoots. Runs up to see his manly kill but nothing there. TAP TAP on shoulder and the bear is standing there and says: you got 2 options, 1 I kill you or 2 you let me fuck you bear style. Guy looks at the bear and says: fuck, shit, come on...ok #2. Bear unleashes a major ass fucking. Guy crawls back to hunting store and says I need a bigger gun. He buys a 10gauge elephant killer gun and runs in to the forest. Sees the bear, aims and shoots. Runs to check and TAP TAP. He turns and bear looks at him and says: you got 2 options, 1 I kill you or 2 you let me fuck you bear style. Guy looks at the bear and says: fuck, shit, not again...ok #2. Bear unleashes a major ass fucking. Guy crawls back to hunting store and says I need a bigger gun and buys the rocket launcher. Runs back to the forest, spots the bear, aims and shoots. Runs to see and TAP, TAP. Guy turns to see the bear and the bear says: Be honest, you didn't come for the hunting

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A man had a party where all the rich people attend.

And the he had a pool with alligators. So he announced that anyone who will swim across this pool and come out alive will be granted three wishes.

But no one wanted to go for the challenge. All of a sudden, there was a big splash and a man was swimming like a hell and came out alive.

So the host asked, "What are your three wishes?"

The man replied, "Give me the shotgun and bullets and show me the idiot that pushed me in ...

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Two Asian men are drinking in a bar...

And a Caucasian man walks in, carrying a shotgun. He takes a look around and then shoots one of the Asian men dead.

Horrified, the bartender shouts: "Why the fuck did you do that?!"

The man replies: "Well, yesterday when I returned from work, this guy was on my bed, with my wife, both of them buck naked and fucking like rabbits. I yelled at them, and he punched me on my face, knocking me out. He then stripped me of my clothes, put them on, and rode away with my wife on my motorcycle! Tell me if *you* wouldn't want to kill that guy!"

The bartender, as well as everyone else in the bar, is left speechless. The man simply walks away. A couple of seconds pass by. Then, the other Asian man sighs, wipes his forehead, and says: "Phew. Thank God all of us look the same to those Yankees!"

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What's got 40 balls and fucks ducks?

A 12 Gauge Shotgun

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There was an old farmer with three beautiful daughters...

They each had a date, so on the porch he would wait to ask the men some questions.


With his shotgun nearby up came the first guy and introduced himself to the farmer.


"Hello, my name is Joe, I'm here for Flo to see a show, is she ready to go?"


The farmer gave a sigh and waved goodbye as the second date had arrived.


"My name is Eddie, I'm here for Betty to go eat spaghetti, is she ready?"


With another sigh he waved goodbye as the third date had arrived.


"Hi, My name is Chuck-"


And the farmer shot him.

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Bear Remover

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

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I was banned from the airport last week.

Apparently the security doesn't like it when you say Shotgun while boarding the plane.

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A panda walks into a restaurant

He orders his food just like normal. The waiter brings it out and he eats his meal. When the check comes, the panda pulls out a shotgun and shoots the waiter. He then promptly leaves. The cook sees this and says "Hey what was that for!?" The panda replies "I'm a panda. Look me up in the dictionary." Once the panda left, the cook brought out a dictionary and looked up the word "panda."

"Panda - a black and white bear. Native to China. Eats chutes and leaves."

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A decides to go hunting

He asks his wife to pack his bag for him and fetch him the shotgun. A short while later his wife returns with the goods, telling him she will be going to town later on and the part ways.

Out in the woods the man suddenly spots the biggest buck he'd ever seen, he ruffles through his bag, looking for shells but when he takes his hand out: tampons... Furious he races home and waits for his wife. When she gets home he explains what happened. For a minute the wife looks puzzled, then with a shock tells him that she thought it was weird when she sneezed at the busstop and the guy behind her dropped dead.

Sorry for my english/wording. I hope it doenst ruin the joke!

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Married farmer driving home on horses

A farmer and his brand new bride are riding home in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbles.

The farmer says, "That's once." A little further along, the horse stumbles again. The farmer says, "That's twice." When the old horse stumbles again, the farmer quietly reaches under his seat, pulls out a shotgun, and shoots the horse. His brand new bride yells, "That was an awful thing to do!" The farmer says, "That's once."

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I'll never forget grandads last words

Stop playing with that shotgun you little shit

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I was banned from the airport last week

Apparently security doesnt like it when you call Shotgun while boarding the plane.

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Monkey in a Tree

A man notices a monkey is up in his backyard tree.
He goes online and finds a man who specializes in monkey capture and removal.
When the trapper arrives at the house he shows up with a stick, a set of handcuffs, a Chihuahua, and a shotgun.
He tells the homeowner "I'm going to climb up in the tree and use this stick to hit the monkey until it falls out of the tree. When it lands, the trained Chihuahua will viciously lunge for the monkey's genitals and when it attempts to protect himself I will slap on the handcuffs."
The homeowner, a little bewildered, says "that's crazy enough it just might work, but what's the shotgun for?"
"In case I fall out of the tree first....you must shoot the Chihuahua."

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A redhead a, a brunette and a blonde are trying to hide from a farmer who's chasing them

They run into his barn and look for places to hide. The redhead hides behind the farmer's cow, the brunette hides behind the farmer's horse and the blonde hides behind a sack of potatoes.

The farmer manages to track them down to the barn, runs in and cocks his shotgun.

"Is there anyone behind the cow?" he asks.

"Moooooooooo," the redhead replies.

"Okay, is there anybody behind the horse?" he inquires.

"Neeeeiiiiiigh," goes the brunette.

Satisfied that nobody is behind the horse or the cow he asks, "Okay, is their anybody behind the sack of potatoes?"

So the blonde replies, "Pooootaaaatttoooo."

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What do cheerleaders and a shotgun have in common?

Give them 2 cocks and they'll blow.

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So the farmer has three daughters who are about to go on their first dates.

And so he invites their dates to his home, where he waited at the door with a shotgun.

When the first guy knocked on the door, the farmer opens it and the guy says, "Hi, my name is Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to a show. Is she ready to go?"

The farmer thinks for a bit, then he lets them go.

When the second guy knocked on the door, the farmer opens it and the guy says, "Hi, my name is Eddie, I'm here for Betty. We're going to get some spaghetti. Is she ready?"

The farmer thinks for a bit, then he lets them go.

When the third guy knocked on the door, the farmer opens it and the guys says, "Hi, my name is Chuck."

So the farmer shot him.

:(

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I got arrested at an airport.

Apparently, airport security didn't like it when I called shotgun.

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A guy gets raped by a bear while hunting...

and the bear runs off before he can shoot it.
The next weekend, he comes back with 2 guns and a bear trap, but the wily bear somehow sneaks up on him and rapes him AGAIN!
The third weekend, the guy comes back with a knife, a pistol, a shotgun, a rifle, 2 bear traps and a taser. As he is setting up his array of weapons, he feels a tap on his shoulder and turns around to find himself face to face with the bear, who says "Let's be honest, mister. You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"

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What was Kurt Cobain's favorite seat?

Shotgun

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I'm pretty sure my wife is cheating on me with our neighbor.

So I grabbed my shotgun, walked over to his house, and knocked really loud on his door. He opened the door asking why I had a shotgun in my hands. I handed it to him saying, "If you want my wife you can have her, but you're going to need to use some protection".

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What's a bank robbing dogs favorite weapon?

A pawed-off shotgun.

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There once lived a farmer...

There once lived farmer with three daughters. He was very overprotective of them. So overprotective, in fact, that he would sit on his porch with a shotgun and whenever a potential suitor came up in hopes to date one of the three, he would shoot him right then and there if he didn't like the guy. It so happened, one night, all three daughters had a date lined up. So the old farmer set up on the porch in his usual spot, shotgun in hand, and waited.
The first man approached and said "Hi, my name is Freddy. I'm here for Betty. We are going for spaghetti. Is she ready?" The farmer liked the sound of the guy so he gave the blessing and off they went.
15 minutes later, the second guy arrived. He approached and said "Hey, my name's Joe. I'm here for Floe. We are going to the show. Is she ready to go?" The farmer liked the guy so off they went.
15 minutes later, the third suitor approaches and says "Hey, I'm Chuck..."
And the farmer shot him.

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A panda walks into a bar

He orders a meal and quietly eats it. When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar. The bartender, on his last breath, screams Why?! The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads: Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and leaves.

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I got arrested at the airport last week..

Apparently security doesn't like it when you yell SHOTGUN as you board the plane

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A 98 year old man...

A 98 year old man goes to the doctor. He tells the doctor that he is in the best shape of his life. He can run around, his memory is great, and he just got his 18 year old girlfriend pregnant.

The doctor pauses, looks at him, and replies, "My neighbor went out hunting one day and instead of grabbing his shotgun on the way out, he grabbed his umbrella. While he was out he saw a rabbit. He pointed the umbrella at him and yelled 'BANG BANG!' The rabbit dropped over dead. What do you think of that?"

The old man answers, "I think someone else shot that rabbit."

The doctor points at him and replies, "Exactly!"

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What do you call a rifle that has been fired recently?

A shotgun

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My daughter asked what I was doing with my shotgun, I said I was hunting decepticons. She laughed, I laughed, the refrigerator laughed, I shot the refrigerator. Turns out...

It's illegal to fire a gun within city limits, I got arrested.

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Wake-up Call

After a long night of making love, this guy rolls over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man holding a shotgun on the nightstand. Naturally, he began to worry.
Is this your husband? he asked nervously.
No, silly, she said while nibbling away at his ear.
Well, who IS he then? demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, That's me . . . before the surgery

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When you call shotgun,

but the police put you in the back-seat anyway.

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An old man was telling his grandchildren a story about his trip to Africa

"...and I was slowly walking in the middle of the Jungle, y shotgun tight in my hand, when a Tiger suddenly leapt out of nowhere and GRRROOWWW!!!! I shit my pants!"
"Of course Grampa! Anybody would shit their pants when a tiger...."
"No, No, No. I soiled myself just now when I screamed GRRROOOWWW!"

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Gorilla Problem

A woman woke up one morning to find a ferocious-looking gorilla in a tree on her African plantation. She quickly phoned the local game warden, who arrived minutes later. In one hand he held a shotgun, and in the other the leash of a fierce Doberman pinscher. As they walked to the tree, the warden explained, What's going to happen is that I go up the tree, throw the gorilla out, and the dog clamps his teeth on the gorilla's balls. The woman nodded and was surprised when he handed her the gun. You know how to use this? he asked. I do, she said, but what's it for? The warden replied, Well ….. sometimes the gorillas are pretty tough and throw me out of the tree. If that happens, I want you to do one thing. Shoot the gorilla? No, he answered, the dog.

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Polish man's first hunting trip.

So an American man is friends a Polish man, and the Polish man has never been hunting before. The American said that he is going out deer hunting this weekend and he should tag along.

Saturday comes around and bright and early, both men pack up a shotgun, some beer, a few sandwiches, some deer piss, and all the essentials to make for a perfect day of hunting. The Polish man is very excited, so the American tells the Polish man to get up in the tree stand and the American is going to go make some noise to push deer towards him.

After waiting for about 20 minutes, the Polish man starts to get a little bored, then all the sudden he notices movement in the bushes. He readies the gun and takes aim. Before another second could click he pulls the trigger and hears a scream. He climbs down the tree and runs over to find his American friend laying on the ground, shot in the stomach. After strenuous work, the Polish man lifts the American man into the truck and takes off for the hospital.

After waiting patiently for news on his friends, a doctor arrives covered in blood to update the Polish man. The doctor says there was nothing more they could do for the American man, for his injuries have finished the man. The Polish man stands there is awe, and tells the doctor it was impossible that he died so quickly from a gunshot wound to the stomach. The doctor replies, he might have survived, if he wasn't skinned before he was brought in.

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The farmers triplets

A farmer has triplets, and they're getting ready for prom night. The first date arrives, and in redneck tradition, the farmer greets him with a shotgun in hand. The boy tells the farmer, "My name is Teddy, I'm here to pick up Betty, we're going to get spaghetti, is she ready?" The farmer looks the boy over, and then calls Betty to go with him.
The second date arrives, and greeted by shotgun, nervously states, "My name is Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're gonna see a show, can she go?" The farmer thinks for a moment, then lets Flo go with Joe.
The night's third suitor rings the bell. He says "My name is Chuck-" and the farmer shoots him.

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A shabby looking Nun walks into a bar...

The barman takes one look at her, pulls out a shotgun and gives her both in the chest...
Aghast, I protest "Christ!? What the Hell'dya do that for?!"
With a look of regret he turns to me and whispers
"...bad habit."

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Santa's annual check ride

As the sled rotated off the runway, the examiner pulled a double-barreled shotgun from under his cloak and blasted one of the raindeer. He then turned to the perplexed Santa and said "Engine failure on take-off!"

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A three-legged dog walks into a bar and puts a shotgun on the table....

Barman asks, *" How can I help you?*

"I'm looking for the guy who shot my paw"

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I went turkey hunting with my new shotgun today

I really scared the hell out of everyone in the frozen food section!

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Why is a blonde like a shotgun?

Give her a cock, and she's ready to blow!

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I tried to take on ISIS with a shotgun.

Iraq'd and then Iran

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Won't do that again

Got arrested at the airport last week.
Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.

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Did you hear about the time Nirvana went on a road trip?

All I know about it is that Kurt called shotgun.

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TIL Kurt Cobain didn't have a license.

He preferred riding shotgun

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Sperm Bank...

A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun. "Open the safe," he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we`re not a real bank," she replies. "We don`t have any money. This is a sperm bank." "Don`t argue, open the goddamn safe or I`ll blow your head off," says the guy with the gun. She obliges and once she`s opened the safe door the guy says, "Take out one of the bottles and drink it." "But it`s full of sperm!" she replies nervously. "Don`t argue, just drink it!" he says. She takes the cap off and gulps it down. "Take out another one and drink it too," he demands. She takes out another and drinks it as well. Suddenly the guy pulls off his mask and to the girl`s amazement it`s her husband. "There," he says, "it`s not that difficult is it!?!"

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What's got 100 balls and fucks Rabbits

A shotgun !!!

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[NSFW] So a magician who specializes in illusions is cheating on his wife...

...When suddenly she walks in on him!
His last words before she blows his head off with a shotgun are, "It isn't what it looks like!"

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My friend wants to look more like Kurt Cobain.

I'm getting him a shotgun for Christmas.

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What does a blonde and a shotgun have in common?

You break them at the middle and load them from behind

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman wake up in a barn.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman wake up in a barn after a particularly wild night on the town.

The farmer, on his morning rounds, hears the commotion and slowly opens the barn door, shotgun in hand.The three quickly hide behind a bale of hay and attempt to convince the farmer that everything is as it should be as he advances on their hiding place.

The Englishman clears his throat, puts his hands to his mouth, and performs his best bird calls.

The Scotsman follows suit, and starts making clucking noises.

The Irishman shouts, "Feck off, we're turkeys".

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What kind of gun only hurts your feelings when it's used?

A "Sod off" Shotgun

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Friend: "I call shotgun!"

Me: "Fine, I call AK."

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My friend couldn't stop sneezing and I said, "man, your nose is like a shotgun with unlimited ammo!"

He said, "It's ah.. ahh.. an-an-allergy"

I said, "no, simile".

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Your mom is like a shotgun

Two cocks and she's ready to blow

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Kalamazoo Uber offering free rides.

Everyone rides shotgun.

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What did a British rifle say to the shotgun?

Sod off

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Such a terrible moment when...

I always find it such a terrible moment when I call shotgun,



But the cops toss me in the back anyway D:

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Wedding anniversary

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.

On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together.

He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you.

Tomorrow I would've been a free man! "

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When you call shotgun

But the officer still puts you in the back seat.

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My parents decided to have a Nirvana-Themed wedding

Then again, shotgun weddings were all the rage back then.

Disclaimer: 8371 days is long enough.

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As Jeff the street sweeper says "A clean place is not where one sweeps, but where one doesn't litter"

That's why he traded in his broom for a shotgun.

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A Girl And A Shotgun Is Practically The Same

They both have to be loaded at the bottom

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The farmer's daughters

A farmer's three daughters are going on a date the same night. Being the protective father that he is, the father insisted that he meet all three of his daughter's dates before sending them off. The first guy shows up and the farmer answers the door, brandishing his shotgun.

"H-hi sir, my name's Joe, I'm taking your daughter to the show, and I'll get her when she's good to go".

Satisfied, the farmer lets his oldest daughter go. The next guy arrives, and again the farmer answers the door with shotgun in hand.

"M-my name's Eddie, we're grabbin' spaghetti, I'll take her when she's ready".

The farmer nods and lets his second oldest go. The third one arrives, and once again has a shotgun pointed at his face.

"My name's Chuck-"

BLAM!

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On a day full of infidelity, an American, French, and Japanese businessmen all returned from work early.

to discover their wives in bed with other men.

The American went straight for his 12 gauge shotgun.

The Frenchman began removing his own clothes.

And the Japanese man pulled out his business card and waited politely for his wife to finish and introduce him to the stranger.

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Your momma is like a shotgun...

Two cocks and she's loaded

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Kurt Cobain's last words were:

I call shotgun

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Kurt Cobain tried to learn a new instrument...

He chose the shotgun, but it just went in one ear and out the other.

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I saw Kurt Cobain's hitchhiking along the interstate...

...I told him he could ride shotgun in my car.

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I saved my wife from dying to a terminal brain tumor.

She's lucky too I hear being shot in the back of the head with a shotgun is painless when compared to the brain tumor.

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My favorite movie is the one where the guy takes an entire bottle of Viagra pills and then blows his head off with a shotgun.

It's called Die Hard.

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It's date night for the farmer's daughters...

Being the protective father that he is, the father insisted that he meet all three of his daughter's dates before sending them off. The first guy shows up and the farmer is at the door, with shotgun at the ready.

"H-hi sir, my name's Joe, I'm taking your daughter to the show, and I'll get her when she's good to go".

Satisfied, the farmer lets his oldest daughter go. The next guy arrives, and again the farmer answers the door with shotgun in hand.

"M-my name's Eddie, we're grabbin' spaghetti, I'll take her when she's ready".

The farmer nods and lets his second oldest go. The third one arrives, and once again has a shotgun pointed at his face.

"My name's Chuck-"

BLAM!

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The farmers son.

The farmers son was driving a ute down the road..

He calls his Dad

'Dad what should I do?? I just ran over a pig!'

Father 'just pick it up and put in the tray'

Son calls back - ' I tried to - but it's kinda stuck under the front of the ute., And it tries to bite me and kick every time I go near it'

Father says ' shoot it with your shotgun - put it the back of the ute'

Son calls back -

'I've done it - but WTF am I gonna do with the bike?'

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Why do so many people in the South get married?

Free shotgun

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The gorilla catcher

A man wakes up one morning and found a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an advert for "Gorilla Catchers" He calls the number, and the gorilla cathcer, Santa, says he will be over in 30 minutes.

Santa arrives within 30 minutes and gets out of his van.

He's got a LADDER, a BASEBALL BAT, a SHOTGUN and a HUGE DOG.

"What are you going to do", the house owner asks?

Santa said, "I'm going to put this LADDER up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this BASEBALL BAT. When the gorilla falls off, the DOG is trained to grab the gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the house owner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the house owner.

Santa replies, "If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, SHOOT THE DOG."

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The use of shotguns...

Is wide spread.

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I'm tired of everyone telling me to get used to sitting on a porch with a shotgun if I have a daughter...

I don't own a porch.

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How do you get the most bang for you buck?

shoot a hooker with a shotgun

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Why was Kurt Kobain in my passenger seat?

Because he called shotgun

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Why was Kurt Cobain a backseat driver?

Courtney had shotgun.

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How does Craig Venter drink beer?

Shotgun method

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What's a blonde with a shotgun in wheat field?

.. A cereal killer !

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What's the difference between a shotgun and a penis?

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OP's mum is like a shotgun.

2 cocks AND she blows!

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My penis is like a shotgun

I pump, shoot and reload

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When I listen to Nirvana

I want to blow my head off with the nearest shotgun.

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Why did people hate going on road trips with Kurt Cobain?

Because he always called shotgun

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What has two O's and fires?

A double-vowel shotgun.

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I called shotgun once...

But it was a limo so I fucked up.

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Son: Dad I just got a girlfriend.

Dad: Good work son.

Sister: Daddy I just got a boyfriend


Dad: *Load's Shotgun*.

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What's black and white and red all over?

A zebra that was just shot with a shotgun

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Every time I gave Kurt Cobain and his friends a ride home

he'd call "Shotgun!"

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What kind of fruit is served at a shotgun wedding?

Cantaloupe

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Why did kurt Cobain kill himself?

Because he thought his shotgun smelled like teen spirit!

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What has a hundred balls and fucks rabbits?

A shotgun.

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Why do shotguns do the most damage in video games?

You get the most bang for your buck.

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Your mum is like a shotgun

two cocks and she blows

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What's the difference between a penis and a shotgun?

I don't want a penis in my mouth.

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I love seeing St Louis with local friends

Never call shotgun though.

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Why did dave go into the backseat?

Because kurt called shotgun.

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What's Kurt Cobain's favorite car position?

Shotgun.

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What's Kurt Cobain's favorite type of football formation?

Shotgun.

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I don't get it, no matter how many times I called shotgun, the cops always put me in the back seatπŸ€¦πŸ½β€β™€οΈ

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Judge: "So did you aim to kill your classmates?"

School shooter: "That wasn't necessary, your Honor, I had a shotgun."

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I never understood how a grown man could cry at his own wedding.

That was until my father in law prodded me with his shotgun.

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I was wearing at shirt of a priest holding a shotgun. A man came up to me, pointed to the shirt and said, "That's no joke."

It is now.

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A man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The bartender pulls out a shotgun...

and fires it just missing the man. The man says thanks, leaves a tip, and walks out.

He had the hiccups

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What position to hit it from?

Shotgun

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What are the best Shotgun puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Shotgun? Well, here are the best jokes about Shotgun to have fun with.

Joko Jokes