Hilarious Fun Shotgun Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter
A panda walks into a restaurant
He orders his food just like normal. The waiter brings it out and he eats his meal. When the check comes, the panda pulls out a shotgun and shoots the waiter. He then promptly leaves. The cook sees this and says "Hey what was that for!?" The panda replies "I'm a panda. Look me up in the dictionary." Once the panda left, the cook brought out a dictionary and looked up the word "panda."
"Panda - a black and white bear. Native to China. Eats chutes and leaves."
My friend said this. Not sure if it was original or not but i have to share it.
"Whenever someone calls shot gun I call Rosa Parks and sit in shotgun anyway."
Wake-up Call
After a long night of making love, this guy rolls over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man holding a shotgun on the nightstand. Naturally, he began to worry.
Is this your husband? he asked nervously.
No, silly, she said while nibbling away at his ear.
Well, who IS he then? demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, That's me . . . before the surgery
I got arrested at an airport.
Apparently, airport security didn't like it when I called shotgun.
TIL Kurt Cobain didn't have a license.
He preferred riding shotgun
I got arrested at the airport last week.
Appearently security doesn't like it when you call shotgun before boarding the plane.
Married farmer driving home on horses
A farmer and his brand new bride are riding home in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbles.
The farmer says, "That's once." A little further along, the horse stumbles again. The farmer says, "That's twice." When the old horse stumbles again, the farmer quietly reaches under his seat, pulls out a shotgun, and shoots the horse. His brand new bride yells, "That was an awful thing to do!" The farmer says, "That's once."
Today I Called Shotgun...
And the cop still put me in the backseat...
When you call shotgun,
but the police put you in the back-seat anyway.
A guy walks in to his backyard and sees a gorilla in his tree
He gets online and finds a man who specializes in gorilla removal. When he arrives at the house he has a stick, a set of handcuffs, a chihuahua, and a shotgun.
He tells the homeowner "I'm going to climb up in the tree and use the stick to hit the gorilla until he falls out of the tree. Upon landing, the trained chihuahua will viciously lunge for the gorillas g**... and when he attempts to protect himself we will slap on the handcuffs."
The homeowner, a little bewildered, says "that's crazy enough it just might work, but what is the shotgun for?"
"If I fall out of the tree first....shoot the chihuahua."
Kalamazoo Uber offering free rides.
Everyone rides shotgun.
You can explore shotgun farmer reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean shotgun kobain dad jokes. There are also shotgun puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Santa's annual check ride
As the sled rotated off the runway, the examiner pulled a double-barreled shotgun from under his cloak and blasted one of the raindeer. He then turned to the perplexed Santa and said "Engine failure on take-off!"
What do you call a rifle that has been fired recently?
A shotgun
I yelled "shotgun", long before anyone else, but I still got to sit in the backseat.
I hate cops.
A shabby looking Nun walks into a bar...
The barman takes one look at her, pulls out a shotgun and gives her both in the chest...
Aghast, I protest "Christ!? What the h**...'dya do that for?!"
With a look of regret he turns to me and whispers
"...bad habit."
What does a blonde and a shotgun have in common?
You break them at the middle and load them from behind
I tried to take on ISIS with a shotgun.
Iraq'd and then Iran
Friend: "I call shotgun!"
Me: "Fine, I call AK."
What was Kurt Cobain's favorite seat?
Shotgun
I was banned from the airport last week.
Apparently the security doesn't like it when you say Shotgun while boarding the plane.
My daughter asked what I was doing with my shotgun, I said I was hunting decepticons. She laughed, I laughed, the refrigerator laughed, I shot the refrigerator. Turns out...
It's i**... to fire a gun within city limits, I got arrested.
A farmer's 3 daughters are going on a date
A farmer is concerned that all 3 of his daughters are going on a date tonight. He decided he'll greet each man who shows up tonight with his shotgun in hand.
The first man to ring the doorbell greets the farmer with, "Hi, my names Joe.
I'm here for Flo.
We're going to see the show.
Is she ready to go?"
The farmer likes this fellow and sends Joe and Flo off.
The second man to show up says,
"Hello, I'm Eddy.
I'm looking for Betty.
We're gonna go eat some spaghetti.
Is she ready?"
The farmer decides this guys okay too so off they go.
The third man rings the doorbell says,
"Hey, my name's Chuck."
And the farmer shot him.
My friend wants to look more like Kurt Cobain.
I'm getting him a shotgun for Christmas.
A blind man walks into a gay bar.
He walks up to the lesbian bartender and says "hey you wanna hear a blonde joke?". The bartender says "Let me tell you a few things since you're blind, I am a blonde bartender who keeps a shotgun under the table. The bouncer is a 6ft blonde with a 4th degree black belt in judo. The woman beside you is a blonde biker with the local gang. The owner of this bar is a blonde army veteran who did four tours in Iraq. Now do you really want to tell that joke here?". The blind man thinks for a second and says "Naaahh, not if i have to explain it four times."
What kind of gun only hurts your feelings when it's used?
A "Sod off" Shotgun
Did you hear about the time Nirvana went on a road trip?
All I know about it is that Kurt called shotgun.
There once was a farmer with three daughters.
They were all going on their first date at the same time. The farmer, being protective of his daughters, grabbed a shotgun and stood by the door. The first guy came to the door and said
"Hi, my names Joe, I'm here for Flo, we are going to the show, is she ready too go?"
The farmer thought he was ok, so they went out.
The next boy came and said
"Hi, my names Kenny, I'm here for Benny, we are going to Denny's, is she ready?
The farmer thought he was ok too, so they went off. The last boy came and said
"Hi, my names Chuck-"
The farmer shot him in the chest.
I'm pretty sure my wife is cheating on me with our neighbor.
So I grabbed my shotgun, walked over to his house, and knocked really loud on his door. He opened the door asking why I had a shotgun in my hands. I handed it to him saying, "If you want my wife you can have her, but you're going to need to use some protection".
I don't get why I just got seated in the back of the police car...
I clearly called shotgun.
A careless hunter accidentally shot my atheist friend in the side with a shotgun.
The near-death experience made him a holier man.
Three boys are hanging around a farm trying to get a glimpse of the farmer's daughter showering.
The farmer notices them and he grabs his shotgun. They run and hide in the barn, each in one sack. The farmer arrives at the barn, and notices the 3 sacks.
He kicks one. From the sack, a sound comes out: Meow!
"Must be a cat." He moves on.
Kicks the second sack: Woof! Woof!!
"Must be a dog." He moves on.
He kicks the third sack: The sack says: "Potatoes!"
A panda walks into a bar
He orders a meal and quietly eats it. When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar. The bartender, on his last breath, screams Why?! The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads: Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and leaves.
My friend couldn't stop sneezing and I said, "man, your nose is like a shotgun with unlimited ammo!"
He said, "It's ah.. ahh.. an-an-allergy"
I said, "no, simile".
What's a bank robbing dogs favorite weapon?
A pawed-off shotgun.
A three-legged dog walks into a bar and puts a shotgun on the table....
Barman asks, *" How can I help you?*
"I'm looking for the guy who shot my paw"
What's the difference between a h**... overdose and a shotgun s**...?
h**... addicts feel great after they shoot themselves.
I was banned from the airport last week
Apparently security doesn't like it when you call shotgun when boarding a plane
How do you stop a kidnapper from putting you in the back of a van?
Just call shotgun, now you've got the window seat.
I never argue with my brother for the front seat
Last time i called shotgun, he drew one
I was banned from the airport last week.
Security doesn't really like it when you call "shotgun" on the plane.
A man is home and sees a gorilla hanging on his backyard tree.
So he naturally picks up the yellow pages and calls the Gorilla Removal services. The professional arrives in less than ten minutes, and gets off his van with a pole, a ladder, a dog, a shotgun and handcuffs. He says "I see it's a male gorilla, so I'm taking the ladder up the tree and poke him with this pole. He's gonna fall, and my dog is trained to bite the crouch, so when the gorilla protects his groins, I handcuff him and bring him back to the wild. Hold this gun, please". The man asks "what do I do with it?", and the guy "If I fall from the tree, shoot the dog".
A man calls 911
A man calls 911, frantically telling the operator that there has been a hunting accident.
"My friend tripped and dropped his shotgun. It went off, and he accidentally shot himself. He is bleeding, and I don't know what to do. I think he might be dead."
"Okay", the operator says. "Please try to stay calm. First, we need to make sure he is dead".
"Okay", the man says.
The operator listens to an extended silence, followed by a gunshot.
"Okay", the man says. "Now what?"
I got arrested at the airport.
Apparently security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
Homer Simpson takes his yellow, spiky-haired son to a bar. The bartender pulls up a shotgun and aims it at the boy.
I regret saying this, but the bartender lives up to his name.
A young blonde, on vacation in Louisiana, wanted a pair of alligator shoes...
but was reluctant to pay high New Orleans prices.
She stomped out of the store and headed for the swamp.
Later, as the shopkeeper drove home, he spotted the blonde standing waist-deep in a bayou, shotgun in hand, with a huge alligator closing in.
She took aim and shot the creature between the eyes.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement as she struggled to haul the carcass onto an embankment where several other dead alligators were lined up.
Oh, no! the blonde shouted in dismay.
This one isn't wearing any shoes either!
A farmer has 3 daughters, each has a date lined up for the night.
The farmer waits on the front porch for the dates to arrive, shotgun on hand.
The first date shows up and says "Hello sir, I'm Eddy, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna go get some spaghetti, is she ready?". The farmer nods, and Eddy and Betty go on their way.
The next date shows up and says "Hi there, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're gonna see the show, is she good to go?". Again the farmer nods and Joe and Flo go on their way.
A while later the last date shows up and says "Sup man, I'm Chuck"
And the farmer shoots him.
My dad returned from my grandmas house as a ghost
Dad: Christianity is real, and i'm the new god!
Me: wait, why are you dead?
Dad: some r**... blasted me with his shotgun on my way home!
Me: and how are you the new god?
Dad: i'm a father, son, and a holey spirit
When I first met my father-in-law he threw a shotgun shell at me
Then he said "Nice catch but the next one's gonna be going much faster!"
Two guys immigrate to Alabama
Two guys immigrate to Alabama and decide to have a small bet regarding which one of them can integrate better. They decide to meet in one year to decide the results.
After one year they meet up and the first guy goes: ''Every sunday I go to church and then Walmart. I only eat chicken, shrimps and bbq. I drink nothing but cheap beer and coke. I just bought myself a new shotgun and new TRUMP decals for my truck.''
The other one (who integrated better) just yells: ''Go back to whatever sh\*thole you came from!''
I took a ride last night, and I guess Uber will just hire anyone now.
I had to sit in the backseat because the driver's guide-dog was riding shotgun.
I'll shotgun a beer, rip a b**..., munch some shrooms...
But c**... is where I draw the line.
A farmer and his new bride
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.
The farmer said, "That's once."
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer said, "That's twice."
After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.
His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."
The farmer said, "That's once." ( had to repost,missed the first half the first time.)
A farmer has 3 daughters, each has a date lined up for the night.
The farmer waits on the front porch for the dates to arrive, shotgun on hand.
The first date shows up and says "Hello sir, I'm Eddy, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna go get some spaghetti, is she ready?". The farmer nods, and Eddy and Betty go on their way.
The next date shows up and says "Hi there, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're gonna see the show, is she good to go?". Again the farmer nods and Joe and Flo go on their way.
A while later the last date shows up and says "Sup man, I'm Chuck"
And the farmer shoots him.
what did the grumpy British man use to scare kids off his lawn?
A "sod off" shotgun
Four doctors are sitting in a boat in the reeds, duck hunting.
The family practitioner spots a flock of fowl flying overhead, turns to the specialist and says: "I think those are ducks. I need a second opinion."
The specialist says: "I can schedule you in for a consult in two months."
The surgeon picks up his shotgun. BLAM-BLAM-BLAM!!! Three of the birds fall down into the water. He turns to the pathologist and says: "Run a test on them, will you, and see if they're ducks."
So I went on Dragons Den with my grandad's shotgun and Peter Jones said, "so what's the business idea?"
I said, "It's a very simple concept, Peter. Put the money in the bag."
Two guys sneak into a farmer's orchard
Two guys sneak into a farmer's orchard and start eating the fruit. The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun.
"Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of whatever fruit you want," said the farmer.
The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he goes back to the farmer. The farmer says, "Now shove 'em all up your a**...."
The guy gets all 100 up his a**....
He feels really bad, but then he starts to laugh. "Why are you laughing?" asks the farmer.
the guy replies, "My friend is out picking watermelons!
