JokoJokes

Shot Put Jokes

91 shot put jokes and hilarious shot put puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about shot put that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Shot Put Short Jokes

Short shot put jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The shot put humour may include short shots fired jokes also.

  1. So, I just tried a new drinking game. I put in the bee Movie, and every time they make a bee pun, I take a shot.
    Unfortunately, I could only get buzzed.
  2. Ferguson joke. Too soon? Black guy walks into a bar in Ferguson. Says to the bartender, "Give me a Michael Brown." Bartender says "Ok. Put up your hands." the gave him six shots.
  3. A three-legged dog walks into a bar and puts a shotgun on the table.... Barman asks, *" How can I help you?*
    "I'm looking for the guy who shot my paw"
  4. I got rid of my NES today. I was putting a a game in it, and the hinged door dropped down and bit me. Because of it, I had to get a Tetris shot.
  5. How many shots of liquor does it take to kill an Irishman 20, and if that does not put him in the ground, His wife surely will!
  6. I heard if you try to put a gun in your mouth and shot, it's not necessarily to make you die. This fact is just mind-blowing.
  7. A duck walks into a bar... "I'd like a shot of tequila!" he says to the barman.
    "Sure, here you go. That's $10 please."
    "Ok, just put it on my bill."
  8. I came up with a fun drinking game the other day You watch a movie with a group of friends, and every time a black person puts their hands up you take a shot
  9. When I was a kid, I played Cops and Robbers with my black friend. After I got cuffed, I was beaten with a baseball bat, shot with a NERF gun, and then he put a knife in my hand.
  10. A bear walks into a bar The bear puts his hand down on the bar and the bartender sees it is wrapped in bandages and dripping blood. Then the bear says, I'm looking for the man who shot my paw....

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Shot Put One Liners

Which shot put one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with shot put? I can suggest the ones about shot and gunshot.

  1. How do you make a Tupac cocktail? Start by putting six shots in it.
  2. NASA put a bunch of cows into orbit. They call it the herd shot round the world.
  3. What type of alcohol do they put in bomb shots? Allah-lcohol
  4. Did you hear about the SJW that shot up that mall? The news put out a trigger warning.

Shot Put Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about shot put you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean shoot jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make shot put pranks.

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed.

After years of this, the wife wants him to quit. She gets two shot glasses, fills one with water and the other with whiskey.
After bringing him to the table that has the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says, "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "What do you have to say about this experiment?"
He responds by saying, "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

A man is about to enter a meeting at work when he realizes that he forgot some important paperwork.

He calls home so that his wife can retrieve them. The maid answers the phone and says that his wife is busy. He demands that the maid put his wife on the phone. The maid informs the man that his wife is in bed with the gardener. The man goes nuts, and offers the maid one million dollars to shoot them both. The maid agrees and he soon hears two gunshots. The maid returns to the phone and he asks her what happened. The maid says she shot his wife in bed and the gardener ran, so she shot him by the pool. The man says, "Pool??? Is this 555-4320???"

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon q**.

.. with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.
"Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having s**...."
Mom and dad shot up in bed.
"How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.


“How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her.
“Well, I was trying to commit s**...,” the blonde replied.
“What?” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit s**... by shooting your finger off?”
“No silly!” the blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I’m not shooting myself in the chest.”
“So then?” asked the doctor.
“Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.”
“So then?”
“Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger.”

A police officer stopped a driver for speeding.


"Can I see your driving license?"
"I don’t have it, I had it removed because of point system."
"Can I see your license for the vehicle?"
"But it is not my car, I stole it."
"Stole it?"
"Right, let me think, I think I saw the permition before in the glove box when I put my gun in there."
"There is a gun in the car?"
"Yes sir, I put it right there, when I shot and killed the woman driving this car and then put the body back to the trunk."
"There is a corpse in a car?"
"Right, sir."
After all these he calls the police chief.
And soon the car gets surrounded by police.
The captain approaches the driver to handle the situation.
"Sir, can I see your qualification?"
"Of course, ultimately, there it is."
"In fact, it’s OK, and to whom does the car belong to?"
"It is mine, there is my license as well."
"uld you open the glove box, is there a gun inside?"
"Of course, take a look, there is nothing."
"Do you mind opening the trunk too? They told me that you put a body in there."
"No problem, take a look."
"Empty too! But I do not understand, the officer who stopped you told us that you said that you did not have a driving license, that you stole the car, that you had a gun in the glove box and that there was a dead body in the trunk."
"Oh right! I bet he told you that I was running and speeding!"

Afternoon s**...

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "q**..." with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having s**...!!"
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out,
"How do you know they're having s**...?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

I don't think my Pharmacist likes me very much. The other day I went in for a Free Flu Shot,

All he did was put a shot glass on the counter and spit in it.

Nobody available!

A guy looks out his back window and sees burglars in his tool shed, going through his stuff. He calls 911 and the dispatcher says, "Are they in your house?"
"No, they're out in the shed."
"Nobody's available right now, but we'll send an officer when we can."
A minute later the guy calls back and says, "I just called about burglars in my shed. Don't worry about it, I went out and shot them. My dogs are chewing on the bodies now," and he hangs up.
Three minutes later the house is surrounded by squad cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter overhead and an ambulance. They catch the burglars and put them under arrest. One of the cops says, "I thought you said you shot them!"
The guys retorts, "I thought you said nobody was available!"

So a man walks into a bar..

...He sits down and notices a jar full of money on the counter. He asks the bartender why it's there.
The bartender says "If you put twenty dollars in, you get to do the challenge."
The man asks "What's the challenge?"
"Well, first you have to drink 10 shots of v**.... We have a bull out back with a bad tooth, so go back there and fix his tooth. Also, there's an old lady who lives across the street who hasn't been pleasured in a while. The last part is to pleasure the old lady; then you win all the money in the jar."
The man decides to take the challenge and puts his money in the jar. The bartender gives him the v**..., which he drinks. Then he walks out back to the bull. After about 10 minutes, he walks back in.
"That first part was too easy.
Now, where's that old lady with the bad tooth?"

Irish hunters

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged six.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip, The pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. A few moments after, climbing out of the wreckage, p**... asked m**..., "Any idea where we are?" "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."?

Talented Pets

A t**... goes into a bar and says to the barman 'Gimme a shot of your finest whiskey and I'll show you something amazing.'
The barman agrees and the t**... pulls out a hamster from his pocket and puts it on the piano stool. The hamster then begins to play the most incredible music that anyone in the bar had ever heard.
The t**... gets his shot of whiskey and says 'Another shot of that whiskey for something even more amazing'
The barman agrees and the t**... pulls out a frog, and places it on top of the piano. The frog starts to sing along with the hamster in the most beautiful tenor voice, cadencing perfectly with the hamster.
As the barman is pouring out the whiskey a man comes over to the t**... and says 'I'll give you $10000 for that frog, right here.' The t**... agrees and pockets a check while the man walks away with his frog. Meanwhile, the barman looks in disbelief and says to the t**... 'What're you doing? Those two could've made millions, let alone $10000.' The t**... turns to the barman and says 'Ah, but what he doesn't know, is that the hamster is also an excellent ventriloquist'

The man says to the bartender...

"Gimme twelve shots of your finest whiskey, and fast!"
The bartender lines up a dozen shot glasses and as he fills them, the man starts to down them one after the other.
Shocked, the bartender asks, "What's the hurry, buddy?"
Between shots, the man replies, "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I've got."
Concerned, the bartender asks kindly, "What have you got, brother?"
The man downs the last shot and puts all his money on the table. "Fifty cents!"

An afternoon q**...

Mr. and Mrs. Johnson knew that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "q**..." with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. As his parents put their plan into operation, he began his commentary:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt Brown is riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason Smith is on his skate board!"
"Mr. and Mrs. Cooper are having noontime s**...!!"
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having s**...?"
"Because Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony eating a Popsicle."

My therapist told me a joke about two southern bells.

So two southern bells grow up in a small town in the south and when they finish high school, one moves up to the north for school and the other stays in the town and marries her high school sweet heart.
Years later, the first one comes back to town to visit her friend who happens to be quite the big shot now. The two meet at the train station and the rich woman says:
"Deeear, do you see that Cadillac?"
"Oh yes I do, it is a nice car."
"My husband bought me that car after the successful birth of our first male-born-son."
"How nice."
The two then go to the town square where they see a big statue.
"Deeear, do you see that statue?"
"Why yes, it looks an awful lot like yourself."
"Yes, my husband bought me that statue after the successful birth of our second male-born-son."
"How nice."
Finally, they arrive at the rich woman's house and see that it is a giant mansion with gardeners and everything.
"Deeear, do you see that mansion?"
"Why yes, it is very extravagant!"
"My husband bought me this mansion after the successful birth of our third male-born-son."
"How nice."
"Well what has your husband bought for you?"
"He put me through finishing school."
"Oh my, finishing school? Well what did you learn there?"
"I learned to say 'how nice' when I really mean '*f**... you*'."

KGB is Always Watching!

One night man tries escape from gulag.
Makes his way to cabin in middle of tundra. Inside is plain, but many family pictures on walls. He falls asleep. In middle of night he is put in sack and dragged out. The next morning he is shot like dog.
Pictures are windows. KGB always watching.

A Japanese man walked into a shooting range...

And saw a Chinese man, an American man and a British man arguing over who was the better shooter. The Japanese went over to them and suggested that they get into a competition to settle the argument. They all agreed.
The Japanese man took out an apple from his bag, and put it on his head. He said: I am Samurai. I do not fear death. Whoever can shoot this apple from the furthest distance is the best shooter.
The American decided to go first. He walked 50 yards away from the Japanese man, turned, and shot the apple. He smiled proudly and said: I am Hunter .
The Japanese man replaced the apple. This time the British man walked 100 yards away from the Japanese man, turned, and shot the apple. He smiled proudly and said: I am Bond .
After the Japanese man put another apple on his head, it was the Chinese man's turn. He walked 10 yards away from the Japanese man, turned, and shot the Japanese man in the face. As the British and American man looked at him in horror, the Chinese man smiled proudly and said: I am sorry!

A priest and a nun are playing golf...

The priest is on the putting green and is an avid golfer. He lines up his shot and swings...and the ball goes far left.
"GOD d**...!" shouted the priest.
The nun, horrified, says "Father, you can't do that, that's offensive". And the priest, looking down, apologizes and asks for her forgiveness.
Once again, he walks up to the ball, lines up his shot, swings, and once again the ball misses the hole. "GOD....d**...!" screamed the priest as he threw his putter on the ground.
"Father!" said the nun, "You are taking the lords name in vain, that is a sin. You are a representative of the church you musn't do that.
And once again the priest says "Sorry. Forgive me".
"Well just try to let it not happen again" said the nun
The priest grabs his putter, lines up his next shot, misses, and screams "GOD d**...!"
The nun cries out "Father! That is enough! You are commiting a sin you are personally offending me, you are taking the lords name in vain. Never do that again"
The priest says "You're right, if I say that again, may the lord strike me dead"
And after a nod of approval from the nun, the priest takes another swing, misses once again, and screams "GOD d**...!"
Just as he says it clouds swell overhead and a powerful bolt of lightening comes down and strikes the nun dead. And the priest heard this big booming voice say....
"OH, GOD d**...!"

My friend redeems himself after getting shot down...

My coworker was hitting on these two women who were way put of his league. They tolerated him for a while thinking he would go away, but he was persistent to the point that they were getting visibly agitated.
Thinking she would put him in his place, one of the women finally said, "Look buddy, I'm sure you're great, but my friend and I only date guys with 10-inch d**...."
I was getting that feeling in my stomach that guys get when they watch a friend get shot down and utterly humiliated. Then my friend replied, "Hey lady, I don't care who y'all are, I ain't holding back two inches for nobody!"
He got their numbers.

A teacher asks her young students a question..

A teacher asks her young students a problem solving question.
She says, "Ok students, there are 6 birds sitting on a fence. If you shot at 4 of them how many would be left?"
Timmy raises his hand and says "None. The sound of the shot would have scared them all away."
The teacher replies, "the answer I was looking for was 2, but I like the way you're thinking."
Timmy says "ok now I have a question. There are three women sitting on a bench eating ice cream cones. The first woman only licks the top of the ice cream. The second licks the top all the way down the sides and back up again. And the third woman takes the whole ice cream cone into her mouth until the top of the ice cream hits the back of her t**.... My questions is: which one of these women is married?"
The teacher thinks for a second and says "the one who puts the whole thing in her mouth."
Timmy replies, "Actually, it's the woman wearing the wedding ring. But I like the way you're thinking."

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead spy get caught behind enemy lines...

The enemy puts each of them against a fence to be shot.
The general orders his squad, "Ready. Aim."
The brunette spy is quick on her feet and yells, "TORNADO! TORNADO! TORNADO!"
The entire firing squad goes to the bunker to hide and waits for the tornado to pass. The brunette then unties her b**... and escapes. The redhead spy sees this and comes up with her own plan. The firing squad returns to kill the remaining two spies.
The general orders again, "Ready. Aim."
The redhead spy then shouts, "EARTHQUAKE! EARTHQUAKE! EARTHQUAKE!"
The enemy takes cover from the earthquake. The redhead spy then unties her b**... and escapes. The blonde spy is no dumby she gets an idea of her own. The firing squad returns to kill the last remaining spy.
The general orders once more, "Ready. Aim."
The blonde spy ready to run yells, "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!"

Only in Australia

A farmhand in Australia was out checking farm fences in his Land Cruiser when he hit something. He radioed the farm for advice.
"There's a pig stuck in the bullbar and is still alive but he's k**... and squealing so much I can't get him free," he said.
"Okay," said the boss. "In the back of the 'cruiser there's a p**.... Put it up to the pig's head and shoot it. When its body goes all limp you'll be able to get it off the bullbar and throw it into the bush."
About 15 minutes later the farmhand called in again, "I did what you said, boss. I shot the pig in the head, he went all limp and I got him out of the bullbar, no problem. But I still can't go on."
"Why not?" asked the boss. "What's the problem now?"
"Well it's his motorbike ... the fender and flashing blue light is jammed in the wheel-well."

Shot the dog

A mother has three children, two girls and a boy. The boy has a BB gun and when he shot and broke a window the mother took the BB's and put them over the fridge. The children's hard of seeing grandmother lived with them and when she was cooking one day she accidentally baked the BB's into a cake, witch the children ate. Later one of the girls ran up to her mother crying and said "MOM MOM! I peed out a BB!" Then the other girl also came running up crying "MOM MOM! I peed out a BB!" The boy then came running up saying "MOM MOM!" The mother interrupted saying "Let me guess, you peed out a BB?" "NO!" He said "I was out behind the shed jerking off and I shot the dog."

50 Shades of Grey

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T'was "fifty shades of grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to s**....
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominator !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there n**... and n**...
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left t*t!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.

The great train of Communism grinds to a halt...

Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev are riding on the great train of communism together when it suddenly grinds to a halt.
Stalin pokes his head out of the window and shouts, "Take the engineers behind the tool sheds and have them shot, then get new engineers!" But the train still does not move.
Khrushchev has a go at it next. "Pardon the engineers, retrain them, then put them back to work!" But still the train does not move.
Finally, after hours at complete standstill, Brezhnev turns to his fuming compatriots and says, "Gentlemen, let us simply close the blinds and pretend that we are moving!"

Suicidal Blonde

A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit s**...," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit s**... by shooting off the tip of your finger?"
"No, silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought 'I just paid $6000 for these, I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'"
"So, then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'"
"So, then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought 'This is going to make a loud noise,' so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

Network administrator

A network administrator decided to join the military, and as part of his basic training, he went out on the rifle range.
After taking a hundred shots and missing every one, the man's DI (drill instructor) came by to see what was wrong.
"What's the matter with you?" he asked. "Why can't you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?"
"I was a network administrator," replied the new recruit, "and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see..."
The recruit checked his rifle, checked his rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his finger off.
"Well," the he said, writhing in pain, "the bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!"

Clever 8-year olds

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "q**..." with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced...
"The Coopers are having s**...!"
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.
Dad cautiously called out...
"How do you know they're having s**...?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

The q**...

Bob and Jen decided to have a little Sunday afternoon q**... but had to figure out what to do with their 10-year-old son since they lived in a small apartment. They cleverly thought to send him out on the balcony and have him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having s**...."
Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

There once was an old cathedral in rural England...

There once was an old cathedral in rural England. It was near a small village and most of the people that lived there attended church every week. This was a sad time for the people of this village, as the much beloved bell ringer for the church had fallen ill and died.
The head minister of this cathedral had taken the death quite hardly, as he had been good friends with the man. Reluctantly, he put up a notice in the village square that they would be needing a replacement bell ringer. He knew that a man for the job was needed before the f**... of the old ringer.
Now, the day after notice was posted, the minister was in his study reading when a young man no older than 20 walked in. The minister looked up and asked, "What can I do for you, young man?"
The man, visibly eager to speak, replied, "I'm here about the posting you've made. I want to be the next bell ringer." There was an enthusiasm on this man's face that caught the minister's attention.
The minister, somewhat recognizing this enthusiasm, inquired, "Well that may be something we could discuss. But first, I must know, have I seen you here at the church or around town? You seem rather familiar."
"No, sir, I don't believe we've met before," the man replied.
"Ah, well then, it's very nice to make your acquaintance," said the minister. He reached out to shake the young man's hand, when he noticed something very out of the ordinary. The man had no arms! The minister pulled back his hand and apologized for the gesture.
"It's no problem, sir, I've been without them for my whole life, I'm quite used to that." The man redirected the conversation back to the job. "Now, I'd really like to talk about becoming the next bell ringer!"
The minister, slightly taken aback, wondered whether the armless man was serious. "My dear boy, surely you must be joking. You've got no arms! I mean no offense, but there is no way you could pull those heavy ropes to ring the bells."
The young man still had an eagerness about him, insisting that the minister give him a shot. "I can do it, let me show you! Please sir, I know I can do it. Come with me up the bell tower and I'll show you!"
At this point, the minister was wondering whether the man had some sort of brain damage as well. There was absolutely no way a man with no arms could ring those bells. But, being the generous man that he was, the minister decided to at least humor the man and go up into the bell tower with him.
Once they reached the top of the tower where the bells were held, the minister asked how the young man was going to ring them. "Like this," he simply replied with an odd smile on his face. The man took some step back towards one open arches that made up the bell tower, disregarding the ropes that hung next to him. He began walking slowly, then burst into a sprint, jumped, and smacked his forehead on the edge of the bell.
BWOOOOOOOOONNNG
The minister couldn't believe it. This armless man had just mad the most beautiful sound he'd ever heard come out of that bell. Astounded, he turned to the man and exclaimed, "Dear boy, did you really just do that?"
Unfazed, the young man responded excitedly, "Yes sir! Would you like me to do it again?" Without waiting for an answer, the man once again stepped back to the arch, took a running start, jumped, and smacked his forehead against the bell.
BWOOOOOOOOONNNG
Now, the minister was truly speechless. Although his previous thoughts about brain damage were almost certainly proven, he simply could not believe how beautiful the sound was that the bell made. He looked at the man, seeing no sign of harm to his head, but only a smile that showed how confident he was. The minister then made the final decision to make this young man the next bell ringer.
A few days had passed, and it was time for the f**... for the former ringer. Nearly the entire village showed up to mourn his passing. As the f**... dragged on as only funerals can, the newly appointed ringer made his way up the tower to give the bells a good BWONG-ing after the final eulogy had ended. This was his biggest break, his chance to show the entire village that he could be a great ringer. The excitement from that first day had swelled up until this point.
He listed for the sound of the last "Amen" from the congregation. It was his time now. The armless man closed his eyes to take it all in. After a deep sigh, he took some steps back, broke into a run, jumped, and smacked his forehead on the edge of the bell. Then, to his surprise, he tripped on a large old nail as he landed, stumbled toward one of the arches, and, unable to balance himself, fell out of the tower to his death.
BWOOOOOOOOONNNG ... ... ... SPLAT!
The f**...-goers heard this strange sound and all rushed outside to see what was the matter. To their surprise, they found the newly appointed ringer dead on the ground. The crowd began talking among themselves, wondering who knew this man and whether any of his family was present. One man thought he had recognized the deceased man earlier with a family, but couldn't quite put his finger on it whether it was him or not. Everyone could agree that this man looked familiar.
As the minister finally reached the body through the crowd, he knelt down and wept beside him. A woman in the crowd asked, "Father, did you know who this man was?"
"No," he solemnly answered, "but his face sure rang a bell."

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe...

The man and the giraffe drink shots back and forth and eventually the giraffe passes out from alcohol. The man puts some money on the table and starts to walk out. The bartender yells out "You can't leave that lyin' there!" The man replies "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
Read it out loud if you don't get it at first.

A golfer is about to tee off

when his friend and a huge gorilla turn up . His friend asks if he would like to play 9 holes with his gorilla, intrigued, the guy agrees and he tees off, straight into the rough.The gorilla however hits a superb shot and lands it an inch from the hole, the golfer concedes the hole. Next hole, same thing, slices it into the rough, but the gorilla hits an amazing drive, less than a centimetre from the hole, the golfer once again concedes. This goes on until, intrigued once more, he asks his friend what the gorillas putting is like, "same as his driving" answers his friend.

A man walks into a bar and puts a shoebox down on the table...

He says, "I'll have a beer and a shot of Jack Daniels for my friend in the box."
The bartender looks down and sees a small man playing the piano. He brings the drinks and then asks, "Where'd you get this little guy?"
The man at the bar replies, "I was walking on the beach when I found a bottle lying in the sand. I was dusting it off when a genie came out and this was my first wish."
The bartender is thinking that maybe he can trade something for this guys wish. Now, this guy is feeling pretty generous so he agrees to giving up his second wish in exchange for free food and drinks. The bartender grabs the bottle, rubs it, and exclaims, "I wish for a million bucks!"
Then, the door slams open and a million white ducks come marching into the bar.
The man at the bar says, "I think the genie is hard of hearing."
"What makes you say that?" asks the bartender.
"You think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?"

A couple wants to have s**... but their son is in the house.

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "q**... " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced... "The Coopers are having s**....
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.
Dad cautiously called out..."How do you know they're having s**...?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

Mommy Mommy I peed a BB

There was this family who lived in the country, and the father took his boy out shooting. When they came back later that day the father put his BB gun on the top of the stove and hurried to the bathroom.
He set it down so fast and hard that it opened and the BB's from the gun went right into mother's spagetti sauce. She had seen the BB's and just figured that they couldn't hurt anyone, so she just served dinner anyways.
Later that night the little girl ran down stairs saying, "mommy mommy I just peed BB's! Well did it hurt you said the mom. No said the girl. Ok then don;t worry it will go away.
Then the little boy runs down stairs, "mommy mommy I just peed BB's! Well did it hurt she says? No says the boy. Ok then don't worry about it, it will go away.
Later that night the father rushes down the stairs with his pants down - "honey, honey, I was just up stairs jacking off and I shot the dog!"

A Drink for Each of My Brothers

Patrick walked into a pub and sat down at the bar. He asked for three individual shots of whiskey, and the bartender said "you know, I can put that all in one glass for you." Patrick said, "no no, see, I have two brothers who live far away. This drink is for Finnigan, this one is for Fergus, and this one is for me. And when I drink them, it's like we're all together again." So a few months go by, Patrick having his three drinks in the bar on a regular basis, and one night he came in and said "I think we'll only be needing two glasses today." The bartender stopped, cold, and said "What happened? Did something happen?" Patrick said, "oh no, my brothers are fine, it's just that I've decided to quit drinking."

A woman, man and a midget walk into a bar....

The woman orders a glass of red wine and the man orders a beer. The midget orders a shot of whiskey, "Can you put it on my tab?" asks the midget. The bartender replies, "I'm sorry, but it looks like you're a bit short."

Afternoon s**... when you have kids......

Afternoon s**...
Love what kids come up with...they know so much they are not
given credit for.
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "q**... with
their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on
the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all
the neighborhood activities...
- "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he
shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into
operation:
- "An ambulance just drove by!"
- "Looks like the Anderson s have company," he called out.
- "Matt's riding a new bike!"
- "Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
- "Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced...
- "The Coopers are having s**...."
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.
Dad cautiously called out..."How do you know they're
having s**...?"
Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a
Popsicle."

In the process of robbing a bank, a robber's mask came off

He quickly put it back on his face and asked the teller directly ahead of him if she saw his face. She admitted that she did, so he shot and killed her.
He then turned to a man, who just happened to be in the bank at the time of the robbery, then he asked if the man saw his face.
The man replied with, "No, but I'm pretty sure my wife did."

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls silent.
In a deep, husky voice, the woman to his left says,
"Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it's only fair, given that you can't see, that you should know five things...
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a billy club.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman next to me is a blonde professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde professional wrestler.
Now think about it, cowboy... You still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The cowboy puts on a disappointed face, shakes his head and mutters,
"Nah... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

CIA Test gone horribly wrong

Three CIA agents, two male and one female, were called in for a briefing. An agent was needed to go on a top secret mission and that agent could have nothing but absolute loyalty to the goal.
"To test that absolute loyalty," said the director, "we have put your spouses in the other room. Take this gun and shoot your spouse."
The first man went into the room and came out almost immediately. "I can't do it."
The second man went in and there was about 5 minutes of silence and then he too came out. "I can't do it."
The woman took the gun and went into the room. There was a pause. And a shot. Then another and another. Three more rang out. Then there was a loud c**... from the room. The woman emerged pushing back her hair. " The darn gun was full of blanks so I killed him with the chair!"

An English man, a Welsh man and an Irish man sign up for the SAS...

An English man, a Welsh man and an Irish man sign up for the SAS. The commander decides to put them to the test to see if they have what it takes.
He gives the English man a gun and says 'through that door is your wife, kill her.' The English man looks appalled and says 'I can't do that I love her and we have two children'
He gives the gun to the Welsh man and says 'through that door is your wife, kill her.' The Welsh man walks through the door but walks out immediately 'I can't kill my wife, I love her and we have 3 children.'
The commander gives the gun to the Irish man and says 'through that door is your wife, kill her.' The Irish man walks through the door and the commander hears three shots fired and then a lot of grunting and groaning.
The Irish man comes out of the room and the commander says 'what happened?' The Irish man replied 'Well commander the gun was full of blanks so I had to strangle her."

A guy goes into a bar and asks the bartender for his best scotch.

The bartender reaches up to the top shelf and gingerly picks up a bottle of single malt. He carefully pours a shot into a clean glass and put in on the bar. The guy grabs the drink and throws it down his t**... in one gulp. The bartender is aghast and says " Whoa, whoa that is 17 year old nectar from the Scottish Highlands. It should be savored and enjoyed not gulped like a shot of cheap v**... !" The guy says "You would drink it fast if you have what I have." "Why what do you have ?" he asks. The guy says "$1.28 !"

It's show and tell day...

In kindergarten class, and its Johnny's turn. He goes up to the board and puts a dot.
"What's that, Johnny?" The teacher asks.
"It's a period," replies Johnny.
"What's so special about a period Johnny?" she asks.
"I have no idea, but my sister missed one, so my dad starting yelling, mom started crying, and the guy next door shot himself."

How did George Washington survive being shot so many times in war and duels?

He put all of his points into Constitution.

Sunday Afternoon q**... :D

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon q**... with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having s**...." Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon q**... with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt is riding a new bike and the Coopers are having s**...." Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

A Panda Walks Into a Bar

A panda walks into a bar and orders a beer and a hamburger. After he eats he stands up, stretches, and pulls out a gun. He proceeds to shoot everyone in the room but the bartender. The panda puts $20 on the bar and turns to leave. As he walks out the door the bartender asks why the panda shot everyone. The panda tells him to look in the encyclopedia. The bartender looks up panda and he reads "Panda: Large black and white mammal native to China. Eats shoots and leaves."

Bill,Marla and innocent son

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon q**... with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.
"Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having s**...."
Mom and dad shot up in bed.
"How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys.

The barman asks: "Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass?"
The Irishman replies: "No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both."
The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys.
The barman asks: "Did something happen one of your brothers?" "Oh no," replies the Irishman. "I just decided to quit drinking!"

Brad and Stephanie decided..

..that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon q**... with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and ask him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having s**...."
Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled dad asked. "Their son Charlie is standing out on the balcony too," replied the boy.

A man and a priest are playing golf...

... the man is putting and misses his shot. "g**..., I missed," the man says.
The priest tells him to not take the Lord's name in vain, or God would strike him down.
The man swings and misses again.
"g**..., I missed."
The priest, again, reminds him that God would strike him down, if he uses the Lord's name in vain.
The man swings and misses a third time. He says, "g**..., I missed."
All of a sudden, there's thunder and dark clouds fill the sky over the golf course. A flash of lightning strikes down from the heavens and hits the priest. A deep voice coming from the clouds says, "g**..., I missed."

An archery contest

Once upon a time there was an archery competition.
The first contestant, wearing a long cape covering his face, put a watermelon on a volunteer, took 100 paces away then turned and fired. The watermelon exploded. The archer took off his cape and claimed: I AM ROBINHOOD!
The second one with a hood put an apple above the volunteer head, took 200 paces and fired right through the apple. He then removed the hood and shouted: I AM BAYEK OF SIWA!
Finally, a third man with a mask lined up in position. He put a grape on the volunteer's head and went away for 500 paces. He shot, then grinned and said: ^^^^^I ^^^^^am ^^^^^sorry .

Old Russian joke from Soviet times

Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev are all travelling together in a railway carriage. Unexpectedly, the train stops.
Lenin suggests: "Perhaps we should announce a subbotnik (volunteer work-program), so that workers and peasants will fix the problem."
Stalin puts his head out of the window and shouts, "If the train does not start moving, the driver will be shot!"
Khrushchev then chimes in, "Let's take the rails from behind the train and use them to lay the tracks in front".
Then Brezhnev says, "Comrades, Comrades, let's draw the curtains, turn on the gramophone and pretend we're moving!"

Jesus, Moses, and an old bearded guy are all golfing...

It's a par 5 and Moses hits his tee shot first and it lands in the fairway.
Jesus hits his tee shot also in the fairway but a little further than Moses's.
The old bearded guy steps up and shanks his tee shot way to the right. The ball bounces off a tree in to a pond where a turtle grabs the ball in his mouth spits it on to the green and a duck kicks it near the hole and a gust of wind puts the ball in the hole.
The old man starts walk toward the next hole like nothing happened when Moses says to Jesus angrily Jesus, I'm done golfing with your dad!

The IT man

One of Microsoft's finest technicians was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!

A guy walks into a bar

And points to the top shelf and says to the bartender Give me ten shots of your most expensive whiskey .
Bartender pours the shots and watches as the guy proceeds to slam them all.
Bartender looks at the man and says That's an awful lot of liquor to put down in such short order.
Well my friend, you would do the same if you had what I have.
What do you have?
About $5

A One-Armed Bear Walks Into a Saloon..

When he enters, the piano player stops playing, the poker players put down their cards, and the room goes silent. The bear stands in the doorway a few seconds, surveying the saloon, before walking to the bar. Whiskey, he says. The bartender slides a shot glass of rotgut down the bar, which the bear snags with his good arm and gulps down. Another, he says. The bear downs the second whiskey, swivels slowly on his barstool to face the room, and announces, ** I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw. **

A man is sitting at a bar looking depressed

A man is sitting at a bar looking depressed. A big guy comes in and walks over to the man. He takes the shot sitting next to him and c**... it down. The man starts bawling, so the big guy says Hey, it was just a joke. Here, I'll buy you another one, . The man whines First I wake up and my wife left me and took my kids, then I go to get my car and my wife took it, then I go to work and my job has been taken and I was replaced, so I came here, got a shot, and put poison in it, and you took my shot! .

Once Upon a Time in the West, a Bear Walked into a Saloon..

As he enters, the piano stops playing, the poker players put down their cards, and the room goes silent, except for the ticking of the Grandfather clock in the corner. The bear stands in the doorway a few seconds, surveying the saloon, before walking to the bar. Whiskey, he growls. The bartender slides a shot glass of rotgut down the bar, which the bear snags with his good arm and gulps down. Another, he says. He downs the second whiskey, belches, swivels slowly on his barstool to face the room, and announces, ** Ah'm lookin' fer the man that shot muh paw. **

A man rushes into a bar,

he orders up two shots of bourbon. As soon as the bartender puts them in front of him, the guy slams them down his t**....
"Two more!", the man requests.
The bartender, frowning, pours two more shots. Immediately the man downs both.
"Keep 'em coming - TWO MORE!", he demands.
The bartender advises, "You should slow down there buddy?"
The man replies, "Hey! If you had what I have, you'd be drinkin' this way too!"
The bartender, embarrased, apologizes pouring two more, "I'm sorry man. What have you got?"
The guy explains, "A buck-fifty"

Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!

A man walks in to a bar and says to the bartender "Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!"
The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says "Wow. I never saw anybody put away scotch that fast."
The man says "Well, you would drink as fast as I do if you had what I have."
The bartender says "Oh my god. What is it? What do you have?"
The man looks at him and says "Fifty cents."

A duck enters a bar...

The bartender says "what'll ya have?"
"Scotch. Put it on my bill", it replies
"Sure thing", the bartender says, "so how's your day been going?"
"Pretty good" says the duck, "I've been in and out of puddles all day"
A second duck enters and orders a beer
Bartender asks "hey there! How are you mr duck?"
"Great!" he says, "I've been in and out of puddles all day!!"
Third duck enters the bar
"I'll have 3 shots of v**...."
"Wow," says the bartender, "that's a lot for a duck like you. Having a rough one?"
"Yeah," says the third duck, "my name is Puddles"

After summer vacation classic

All the children inn school were asked to write on the chalkboard something significant that happened over the summer.
Anne gets up and writes the word puppies on the board, and says our dog had puppies this summer. Very nice says the teacher. George gets up and writes promotion on the board, acc says my dad got a promotion. Excellent! Very significant goes the teacher. Little Johnny gets up and puts a dot on the board. The treachery looks at out and says Johnny what's that dot why is it significant? He good it's not a dot, it's a period, I'm not sure why it's significant but my sister missed hers and my dad shot our neighbor and went to jail!

Here is a joke from the Soviet Union (also popular in other communist countries before 1989)

A CIA agent is sent on a spy mission to Moscow, Soviet Union. He goes to a grocery store and writes down in his diary "There is no food".
He then goes to a clothes shop and puts down in the diary "there are no shoes".
He goes out of the shop and a KGB agent waits for him outside. "You know, 10 years ago we would have shot you for that."
The CIA agent writes in his diary "There are no bullets".

Husband goes golfing every Saturday morning with the same f**....

But he's always home by 2 o'clock so his wife puts up with it.
This one Saturday, 2 o'clock comes and goes. Three, four, five; still not home.
Finally at 6 o'clock he comes staggering through the front door. He's dirty, he's sweaty, he looks totally exhausted.
His wife exclaims, Oh my God! What happened to you?
Honey, it was terrible! There we were on the first tee and Harry fell over dead from a heart attack.
That's terrible! she said.
Tell me! he says. All day long, it's take a shot, drag Harry! Take a shot, drag Harry!

Two Irishmen get in a car accident late at night

The wreck is bad and both cars are totaled but neither driver is injured. After making sure neither is hurt one of the men goes back to his car and pulls out a bottle of whisky and offers it to the other man saying thank god neither of us were hurt, have a shot to celebrate . The other man gratefully takes a big swig and passes it back. The first man caps the bottle and starts to put it away when the other says aren't you going to have one? He says no, I'm gonna wait for the police to get here .

Two guys out playing golf. One is about to take his shot when he sees a f**... procession go by.

He stops, takes his hat off and bows his head until the procession passes. He puts his hat back on and gets ready to take his shot when his partner stops him and says, "Hang on. I just gotta say I've never seen anyone do that on the links before, that was really touching."
1st guy replies, "Well, you know. We were married for 20 years."

the CIA is hiring an assassin and they are down to the last three candidate of two men and one woman.

so the test operator goes to the first man, hands him a gun, and says this. "your wife is in that room, go in and shoot her". the first man drops the gun and says there is no way he is going to do that. so the test operator hands the gun to the second man and says the same thing. He goes and puts his hand on the door but then drops the gun and says he just can't do it. so the test operator hands the gun to the woman and tells her to go and shoot her husband. six shots later and some b**... on the walls later she comes out of the room and says, "some idiot loaded the gun with blanks so I had to strangle him."