Shot Jokes

Following is our collection of dartboard humor and pistol one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Shot puns for adults, dirty hot shot lawyer jokes or clean one more shot gags for kids.

There is an abundance of headshot jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 88 funniest jokes on shot. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any marksman witze you can hear about shot.

The Best jokes about Shot

A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem

He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..."

The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot."

Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors?

Easy.


Batman doesn't want to get shot.

A boy and his dad are talking.

"Hey Dad."



"Yes son?"



"Did you ever get shot in the army?"



He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;



"No, but I was shot in the leggy."

The doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him.

The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.

Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol?

Police think it is race-related


Apparently, someone has been shot with a starter pistol at the athletics track.

Police think it was race related.

My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house...

I told her, "Fear of the CIA".

She laughed, I laughed, the Amazon Echo laughed. I shot the Amazon Echo

My wife asked me why I carry around a gun in the house.

And I answered, because of the decepticons!

She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, I shot Alexa.

It was a good time.

-
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A cat walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
The cat says, "A shot of rum."
The bartender pours the cat his drink.
The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table.
"Another."

Where do horses go when they get sick?

To the horse-pital.



Just kidding, they get shot.

A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.

Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.
He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse"
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse"
'I'm sorry" he said "I meant to shout "Donald, duck"


Why was Star Wars shot Episodes 4, 5, 6, then 1, 2, 3?

Because in charge of directing, Yoda was

There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night

The police told us to stay inside until they shot him

As a cop, I don't know how to deal with black people...

But I guess I'll take a shot at it.

The moon landing was staged

The moon landing was staged and it was shot by Stanley Kubrick, the reason it looks so real is because of Kubrick's obsession with filming on location.

I heard some guy tell two terrible Malaysian Airline jokes...

The first one got no response and the second one was shot down in flames

My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house.

"To fight the Decepticons," I said.

She laughed. I laughed.

The toaster laughed.

I shot the toaster.

Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One of them sees a tree in the distance that's draped in bacon. "It's a bacon tree! We're saved!" he says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.

It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

A farmer had three daughters...

and each was going on a date one Friday night.

The first daughters date showed up "Hi I'm Freddy here to pick up Betty to eat spaghetti, is she ready?"

Betty left with Freddy.

The second daughters date showed up "Hey I'm Joe here to pick up Flo to go to the show, is she ready to go?"

Flo left with Joe.

The third daughters date showed up "Hello I'm Chuck-"

The farmer shot chuck.


I was in a bar the other day, when a girl asked me, What do you do? I responded, I race cars. Screeching with excitement, she shot back, Do you win many races!? I sighed...

No, the cars are much faster.

I shot a Black Man the other day

I got charged with impersonating a Police Officer.

How many shots can an Irish man handle?

about 10 rounds.

A black man and an autistic man walk into a bar

The autistic man orders a shot, but the black man gets it instead

A black guy applied for a job at the LAPD

He got shot down

A cowboy sees a bunch of American Indians on the horizon and thinks: ''I'm fucked...'', but a voice in the back of his head says: ''Not so fast! Kill the chief!!!''

''What?! Why?'' - thinks the cowboy.

''Just kill the chief!'' - says the voice.

The cowboy hesitated a bit more and than drew his gun and shot the chief.

As the chief was falling from his horse the voice in the cowboy's head said: ''*Now* you're fucked...''

A man walks into a bar and orders ten shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks what is the occasion.

The man replies 'his first blowjob'

The bartender congrats him and offers to buy him another shot

The man says that is unnecessary, if ten shots doesn't get the taste out of his mouth, one more won't make a difference.

A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,

She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe.

15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.

Then, her other daughter walked into the room and she said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.

Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?"

The son replied, "No, what? I was masturbating and I shot the dog."

My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out."

My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out." I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs. I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.

Chuck Norris was shot today

The bullet is in critical condition

An old lady was tired of her hard life and wanted to commit suicide.

She decided the best way to die was to shoot herself through the heart, but she doesn't know where the heart is. So she called her doctor and asked.

The doctor told her the heart is located 2 inches below the left nipple.

The old lady hung up and shot herself in her knee.

The doctor gave me 5 month to live.

So in the heat of the moment, I shot him.

And the judge gave me 25 years.

Problem solved.

Let's play the Oscar Pistorius drinking game

Whenever your girlfriend goes to the bathroom take a shot

10 shots of whiskey please!

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender pours them and the guy starts downing them. By the 5th one the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You'd drink this fast if you had what I have."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "No money."

I shot a black teenager the other day

I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a bible in his jacket pocket.

So he had something to read as he bled to death.

Did you hear about the photographer who ran out of subjects?

He shot himself.

My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house

I said decepticons.

She laughed, I laughed, my microwave laughed.

I shot the microwave.

My doctor said I only have 2 months to live...

So I shot him.

The judge gave me 30years.

Everybody is trying to make Harambe jokes, and they are all really bad...

But I'm going to take a shot at it.

I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live. So I shot him.

Judge gave me 30 years.

So I mean who's the real winner here?

Judgement day

Peter is on trial. He's on trial because he shot his wife when he caught her in bed with another guy.
The judge wants to know; "why did you shoot your wife?".
"Well, " Peter replies, "it seemed easier to shoot her once, than to shoot a different guy every week".

I shot someone with a starting gun.

I've been charged with race crimes

So, I just tried a new drinking game.

I put in the Bee Movie, and every time they make a bee pun, I take a shot.


Unfortunately, I could only get buzzed.

Civil War spoilers

Lee surrenders at Appomatox Courthouse, Abe Lincoln is shot by John Wilkes Booth.

NBC is planning a sitcom about the life of Abe Lincoln.

Shot in front of a live studio audience.

I doubt vodka is the answer....

But it's worth a shot

So I'm making a TV series about a plane hijacking..

We've just shot the pilot.

Two men are out hunting when one of them suddenly drops dead

Two men are out hunting when one of them suddenly drops dead. He calls 911 immediately. The operator says "Can I help you sir?"

The man replies "I think my friend is dead! Get an ambulance! What should I do?"

The operator replies "Okay, calm down sir. First we have to make sure he is dead."

There is silence, then a gun shot, then the man comes back on "Okay, what now?"

Why do black people always have nightmares?

Because we shot the last one that had a dream.

I deserve an award for beating up a school shooter...

I beat him up every day for nearly a year before he shot up the school.

I shot a black man and got caught

I was charged with impersonation of a police officer.

People who like being photographed in natural light..

..should be taken outside and shot.

Why don't black people dream?

The last one who had a dream got shot.

A Three legged dog walks into the old wild west saloon

He says to the bartender, "I'm lookin' fer the guy who shot my paw."

What did the county Sheriff say about the black man who was shot 15 times?

"Worst case of suicide I've ever seen"

My doctor said I have 2 weeks to live...

So I shot him. Problem solved, the judge gave me 20 years.

My wife asked my why i carry a gun in the house.

I looked at her and said "Decepticons". She laughed, i laughed, the toaster laughed, i shot the toaster. It was a good time.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one collapses...

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

I don't understand why people are so upset about Harambe

I mean, gorillas get shot by white cops all the time.

So a guy walks into a bar and sees three steaks taped to the ceiling....

He then asks the bartender why are there three steaks taped to the ceiling? The bartender says well you get one shot, if you jump up and touch one of the steaks then you get free drinks for the rest of the day, however if you miss, you must buy everyone else's drinks for the next hour. The guy ponders for a minute and then says, I would do it, but the stakes are too high.

"911, what's your emergency?"

*"Me and my friend were out hunting and... I accidentally shot him and now he's dead!"*
"Alright, sir, calm down. Now, we need to be sure he's actually dead before we do anything else."
**BANG**
*"Okay, what next?"*

It's a good thing Harambe got shot....

Dicks out for dead kids just doesn't sound good

Liquor probably won't fix your problems...

but it's worth a shot.

Tequila may not be the answer...

...but it's worth a shot.

An old woman wants to commit suicide...

...by shooting herself in the heart, but she doesn't really know where the heart is.

She goes to the local doctor and asks;

"Doctor, can you please tell me where the heart is?"

"Oh, it's just below your left breast."

So the old woman walked home and shot herself in the knee.

I call my wife Bambi and she thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes...

Actually, it's because I shot her mother with a hunting rifle...

My therapist asked me what I'd feel if I shot someone.

"Recoil", I calmly answered.

As a doctor, I've never made a joke about an unvaccinated baby before

but let me give it a shot.

When I was a kid my younger cousin always cheated at freeze tag,

So I wasn't surprised when I heard he got shot by the cops

A drunk goes in a bar and asks for a shot of Jim Beam.

The bartender pours it and the drunk pushes it aside and asks for another shot of Jim Beam. The bartender pours it and the drunk drinks it. The bartender says, "I watched what you did and I don't understand why you pushed the first one away and drank the second one!" The drunk stated," I've been going to those AA Meetings, and they said WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T TAKE THAT FIRST DRINK!!!".

Physicist, Engineer and Statistician are out bow-hunting.

They see a stag about a hundred feet away. The Physicist takes a shot, but he forgets to allow for wind resistance and the arrow falls five feet short. The Engineer takes his shot, but he adds too much of a fudge factor and the arrow's five feet too far.

The statistician goes "Nice job guys, we got him!"

A physicist, a biologist and a statistician go hunting.

They are hiding together in the bushes and they see a deer 70ft ahead of them. The physicist makes some calculations, aims and fires at the deer. His shot ends up 5ft to the left of the deer. The biologist analyzes the deer's movement, aims and fires. His shot ends up 5ft to the right of the deer. The statistician drops his rifle and happily shouts, "WE GOT IT!!"

Whose point is it anyway?

A ninety-year-old man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, my eighteen-year-old wife is expecting a baby."

The doctor said, "Let me tell you a story. A man went hunting, but instead of a rifle, he picked up an umbrella by mistake. When a bear suddenly appeared and charged at the man - he picked up the umbrella, shot the bear, and killed it."

The man said, "Impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear."

The doctor said, "My point exactly!"

I've never shot a gun

because that would be a weird target

Over smart.

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

Two policemen . . .

Two policemen call the station on their radio.

"Hello. ..... Is this the Sarge?"

"Yes?"

"We have a case here, Sarge. A woman has shot her husband
dead for stepping on the floor she had mopped."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"No sir. The floor is still wet."

My wife asked why I brought a gun home

I told her it was in case the decepticons attacked. She said that's the silliest thing she's ever heard and that I didn't need a gun. My wife laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed. I shot the toaster.

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station...

"I have an interesting case here," he said. "A woman just shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

"Have you arrested her?" asks the sergeant,

"No, not yet. The floors still wet."

What do Abraham Lincoln and an '80s sitcom have in common?

Both were shot before a live audience.

3 vampires walk into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a shot of hot blood.
15 minutes later, a second vampire walks in and does the same.
Not soon after, a third vampire walks in and orders a hot cup of water.
"Why the cup of water?" the other two asked.
He then pulled out a used tampon and said, "I'm making tea."

When cats are sad...

Bartender: "What can I get you?"

Cat: "Shot of tequilla."

*Bartender pours it.*

*Cat slowly pushes it off the bar.*

Cat: "I'll have another."

What happens to horses when the get hurt?

They go to the Horse-spital!
Just Kidding they get shot.

A panda walks into a restaurant

and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter.

As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!"

"Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!

"The manager opens his dictionary and reads: "Panda: a tree-dwelling-mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white-coloring. Eats, shoots and leaves."

It was only after I'd shot the fifth zombie...

...that I started to wonder why they were all carrying little bags of candy with them.

Bury the dead!

One day little Timmy is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate. "Whatcha doin?" he asked.
Timmy replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him."
"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor.
Timmy shot back, "That's because he's inside your fuckin' cat!!!"

New drinking game! Draw a card. If it's black take a shot.

I call it the Ferguson

My sense of humor is so dark...

... one of these days it's going to get shot by the police.

I don't think drinking Vodka is the solution to all of my problems...

But it's worth a shot.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes