Shot Jokes
146 shot jokes and hilarious shot puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about shot that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Shot Short Jokes
Short shot jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The shot humour may include short shoot jokes also.
- A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..."
The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot." - Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors? Easy.
Batman doesn't want to get shot. - My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. You're coming home now! she screamed.
No, I'm not, I laughed.
She said, I'm talking to the kids. - Where do horses go when they get sick? To the horse-pital.
Just kidding, they get shot. - The moon landing was staged The moon landing was staged and it was shot by Stanley Kubrick, the reason it looks so real is because of Kubrick's obsession with filming on location.
- I heard some guy tell two terrible Malaysian Airline jokes... The first one got no response and the second one was shot down in flames
- As a doctor, I know I should never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby. But let me give it a shot.
- Let's play the Oscar Pistorius drinking game Whenever your girlfriend goes to the bathroom take a shot
- My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a bible in his jacket pocket. So he had something to read as he bled to death.
- Everybody is trying to make Harambe jokes, and they are all really bad... But I'm going to take a shot at it.
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Shot One Liners
Which shot one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with shot? I can suggest the ones about bullet and splash.
- Eminem has started a vaccine company You only get one shot
- Eminem isn't allowed to get the full COVID vaccine He only gets one shot
- How many shots can an irish man handle? about 10 rounds.
- Alcohol is not always the answer… …but it's worth a shot.
- Chuck Norris was shot today The bullet is in critical condition
- Did you hear about the photographer who ran out of subjects? He shot himself.
- I shot someone with a starting gun. I've been charged with race crimes
- A depressed Storm Trooper goes to the bar for some jager shots. He goes home sober.
- Liquor probably won't fix your problems... but it's worth a shot.
- Tequila may not be the answer... ...but it's worth a shot.
- I've never shot a gun because that would be a weird target
- ww1: Because someone shot an Austrian WW2: Because someone didn't shoot an Austrian
- New drinking game! Draw a card. If it's black take a shot. I call it the Ferguson
- Why does eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot…
- How much did Harambe drink in the bar? Just a couple of shots
One More Shot Jokes
Here is a list of funny one more shot jokes and even better one more shot puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why do African Americans always have nightmares? Because the last one to have a dream got shot
- I'm just glad Eminem will never be a mass shooter He only gets one shot
- If my wife has 6 oranges in one hand and then adds 4 apples to the other hand, then what does she have? No shot of blocking an uppercut.
- I couldn't bring myself to shoot my own turkey for thanksgiving ... So I dressed one up in baggy sweat pants and gave it a bag of skittles and a cop shot it for me
- Some guy at the bar I went to last night told two horrible jokes about Malaysia Airlines. The first one received no response and the second one was shot down in flames.
- *Eminem walks into a bar with his daughter* Daughter : Two shots, please.
Eminem : You only get one shot! - People love animals. There's movies where people get blown up and shot. But you kill one puppy... They ask you to leave the theatre!
- What is the difference between a gorilla and Michael Jackson? One of them got shot for touching a kid.
- Why does Eminem serve weak coffee? You only get one shot.
- Why did Eminem get COVID? Cause he got only one shot…
Shot Put Jokes
Here is a list of funny shot put jokes and even better shot put puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- So, I just tried a new drinking game. I put in the Bee Movie, and every time they make a bee pun, I take a shot.
Unfortunately, I could only get buzzed. - How do you make a Tupac cocktail? Start by putting six shots in it.
- I got rid of my NES today. I was putting a a game in it, and the hinged door dropped down and bit me. Because of it, I had to get a Tetris shot.
- When I was a kid, I played Cops and Robbers with my black friend. After I got cuffed, I was beaten with a baseball bat, shot with a NERF gun, and then he put a knife in my hand.
- A bear walks into a bar The bear puts his hand down on the bar and the bartender sees it is wrapped in bandages and dripping blood. Then the bear says, I'm looking for the man who shot my paw....
- How did George Washington survive being shot so many times in war and duels? He put all of his points into Constitution.
- I don't think my Pharmacist likes me very much. The other day I went in for a Free Flu Shot, All he did was put a shot glass on the counter and spit in it.
- What type of alcohol do they put in bomb shots? Allah-lcohol
- Did you hear about the SJW that shot up that mall? The news put out a trigger warning.
Tequila Shot Jokes
Here is a list of funny tequila shot jokes and even better tequila shot puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Clint Eastwood, the Pope, and Yoda walk into the bar... It was at this point I realized I had done WAY too many tequila shots.
- My son puked all over the bar on his 18th yesterday But then again, 18 shots of tequila are pretty much for a 7 year old.
- Two almonds Two almonds walk into a bar. They order 20 tequila shots each.
Bartender says: "What are you guys, nuts?" - What happens when you cross Santa Claus with five shots of tequila? Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.
- A Mexican walks into a bar... A Mexican walks into a bar and says, 'I need tequila'. The barman says, 'how many shots will you need?' The Mexican says, 'One will do, i have good aim.
- It's National Tequila Day. I wasn't gonna celebrate, but then I thought I'd give it a shot.
- A mind reader walks into a bar. "Just a shot of tequila for me." The mind reader says.
"Hi, what would you like today?" The bartender says.
(This was redone because of a wrong title) - I always take life with a grain of salt plus a slice of lemon...
...and a shot of tequila. - I have a couple shots of tequila maybe once every blue moon. Sorry, I wrote that wrong. I have a couple of Blue Moons for every shot of tequila.
- Self-discipline is drinking 10 shots of tequila and heading back to the right home.
Shot Chest Jokes
Here is a list of funny shot chest jokes and even better shot chest puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did Thor throw his axe at Thanos's chest, instead of cutting off the hand with the gauntlet? Because he was going for the kill shot instead of disarming him.
Hilarious Fun Shot Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter
What funny jokes about shot you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hoot jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make shot pranks.
A boy and his dad are talking.
"Hey Dad."
"Yes son?"
"Did you ever get shot in the army?"
He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;
"No, but I was shot in the leggy."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him.
The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.
The man says to the bartender...
"Gimme twelve shots of your finest whiskey, and fast!"
The bartender lines up a dozen shot glasses and as he fills them, the man starts to down them one after the other.
Shocked, the bartender asks, "What's the hurry, buddy?"
Between shots, the man replies, "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I've got."
Concerned, the bartender asks kindly, "What have you got, brother?"
The man downs the last shot and puts all his money on the table. "Fifty cents!"
A Texan and a New Yorker are sitting in a bar.
The Texan, feeling boastful, says, "Back home in Texas, I can get in my truck at sunup and drive a straight shot until sundown without reaching the edge of my property."
The New Yorker nods sympathetically and replies, "Yeah. I had a car like that once."
My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out."
My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out." I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs. I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
little Johnny
Was sitting in class doing maths problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "'Cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "But I like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now; If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop: one was l**... her cone, the second was biting the cone, and the third was s**... the cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one s**... the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bury the dead!
One day little Timmy is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate. "Whatcha doin?" he asked.
Timmy replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him."
"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor.
Timmy shot back, "That's because he's inside your f**...' cat!!!"
A Three legged dog walks into the old wild west saloon
He says to the bartender, "I'm lookin' fer the guy who shot my paw."
Whose point is it anyway?
A ninety-year-old man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, my eighteen-year-old wife is expecting a baby."
The doctor said, "Let me tell you a story. A man went hunting, but instead of a rifle, he picked up an umbrella by mistake. When a bear suddenly appeared and charged at the man - he picked up the umbrella, shot the bear, and killed it."
The man said, "Impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear."
The doctor said, "My point exactly!"
Over smart.
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
A farmer had three daughters...
and each was going on a date one Friday night.
The first daughters date showed up "Hi I'm Freddy here to pick up Betty to eat spaghetti, is she ready?"
Betty left with Freddy.
The second daughters date showed up "Hey I'm Joe here to pick up Flo to go to the show, is she ready to go?"
Flo left with Joe.
The third daughters date showed up "Hello I'm Chuck-"
The farmer shot chuck.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Judgement day
Peter is on trial. He's on trial because he shot his wife when he caught her in bed with another guy.
The judge wants to know; "why did you shoot your wife?".
"Well, " Peter replies, "it seemed easier to shoot her once, than to shoot a different guy every week".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I'm making a TV series about a plane h**.....
We've just shot the pilot.
When cats are sad...
Bartender: "What can I get you?"
Cat: "Shot of tequilla."
*Bartender pours it.*
*Cat slowly pushes it off the bar.*
Cat: "I'll have another."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A black guy applied for a job at the LAPD
He got shot down
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the county Sheriff say about the black man who was shot 15 times?
"Worst case of s**... I've ever seen"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde was rushed to the hospital
A blonde was rushed to the hospital with a bullet wound in her index finger.
Doctor: how did this happen?
Blonde: I tried to s**....
Doctor: you shot your finger for s**...?
Blonde: No, I shot in my ear. But just before pulling the trigger, I realized that there would be a loud bang, so I closed my other ear with my finger.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife asked my why i carry a gun in the house.
I looked at her and said "Decepticons". She laughed, i laughed, the toaster laughed, i shot the toaster. It was a good time.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house.
"To fight the Decepticons," I said.
She laughed. I laughed.
The toaster laughed.
I shot the toaster.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two hunters are out in the woods when one collapses...
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I deserve an award for beating up a school shooter...
I beat him up every day for nearly a year before he shot up the school.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My therapist asked me what I'd feel if I shot someone.
"Recoil", I calmly answered.
Civil War spoilers
Lee surrenders at Appomatox Courthouse, Abe Lincoln is shot by John Wilkes Booth.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I shot a Black Man the other day
I got charged with impersonating a Police Officer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I lost my kid at the zoo the other day....
I couldn't find him, so they just shot all the animals.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A black man and an autistic man walk into a bar
The autistic man orders a shot, but the black man gets it instead
What do Abraham Lincoln and an '80s sitcom have in common?
Both were shot before a live audience.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's a good thing Harambe got shot....
d**... out for dead kids just doesn't sound good
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live. So I shot him.
Judge gave me 30 years.
So I mean who's the real winner here?
An alcoholic is sitting at a bar
He orders two shots. He proceeds to pour out the first one all over the bar, downs the second one and then orders two more. He pours out the first one on the bar, downs the second one and orders two more.
The bartender asks him why he keeps pouring out the first shot all over the bar.
The alcoholic replies with "My AA group said all I need to do is avoid that first drink."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't understand why people are so upset about Harambe
I mean, gorillas get shot by white cops all the time.
When I was a kid my younger cousin always cheated at freeze tag,
So I wasn't surprised when I heard he got shot by the cops
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't think drinking v**... is the solution to all of my problems...
But it's worth a shot.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife asked why I brought a gun home
I told her it was in case the decepticons attacked. She said that's the silliest thing she's ever heard and that I didn't need a gun. My wife laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed. I shot the toaster.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house...
I told her, "Fear of the CIA".
She laughed, I laughed, the Amazon Echo laughed. I shot the Amazon Echo
It was only after I'd shot the fifth zombie...
...that I started to wonder why they were all carrying little bags of candy with them.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My doctor said I only have 2 months to live...
So I shot him.
The judge gave me 30years.
Best Joke in the history of jokes, maybe ever
2 guys are hunting in the woods. The first guy faints and stops breathing. The second guy calls 911 and they say "911, what's your emergency?".
The guy says "My friend and I were hunting in the woods and he fainted. I think he's dead."
The 911 operator responds "First make sure that he is dead before anything"
A loud shot is heard. The guy then says "Ok, what do I do next"
What happens to horses when the get hurt?
They go to the Horse-spital!
Just Kidding they get shot.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The doctor gave me 5 month to live.
So in the heat of the moment, I shot him.
And the judge gave me 25 years.
Problem solved.
I saw a clickbait article: "Watch Eminem attack Trump like no President has ever been attacked."
I mean... Kennedy was shot in the head... But ok.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"911, what's your emergency?"
*"Me and my friend were out hunting and... I accidentally shot him and now he's dead!"*
"Alright, sir, calm down. Now, we need to be sure he's actually dead before we do anything else."
**BANG**
*"Okay, what next?"*
NBC is planning a sitcom about the life of Abe Lincoln.
Shot in front of a live studio audience.
A drunk goes in a bar and asks for a shot of Jim Beam.
The bartender pours it and the drunk pushes it aside and asks for another shot of Jim Beam. The bartender pours it and the drunk drinks it. The bartender says, "I watched what you did and I don't understand why you pushed the first one away and drank the second one!" The drunk stated," I've been going to those AA Meetings, and they said WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T TAKE THAT FIRST DRINK!!!".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,
She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe.
15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.
Then, her other daughter walked into the room and she said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.
Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?"
The son replied, "No, what? I was m**... and I shot the dog."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter p**...?
Police think it is race-related
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A cowboy sees a bunch of American Indians on the horizon and thinks: ''I'm f**......'', but a voice in the back of his head says: ''Not so fast! Kill the chief!!!''
''What?! Why?'' - thinks the cowboy.
''Just kill the chief!'' - says the voice.
The cowboy hesitated a bit more and than drew his gun and shot the chief.
As the chief was falling from his horse the voice in the cowboy's head said: ''*Now* you're f**......''
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A dinosaur, a spider, and a cowboy walk into a bar
All three sit at the bar and begin drinking heavily, clearly distressed. The bartender asks them what their troubles are.
The Cowboy takes a shot, then says "my horse got loose, ran into traffic, and got hit by a semi truck carrying gasoline. Cause a whole big e**... and blew my poor horse to bits." The spider nods sympathetically. "I just lost my husband in that same fire. The driver found him, freaked out, and crashed trying to squash my dear hubby."
The bartender is in shock, but finally asks the dinosaur his story.
The dinosaur sniffed, took a sip from his straw, and said "My whole family was on that truck"
I was in a bar the other day, when a girl asked me, What do you do? I responded, I race cars. Screeching with excitement, she shot back, Do you win many races!? I sighed...
No, the cars are much faster.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house
I said decepticons.
She laughed, I laughed, my microwave laughed.
I shot the microwave.
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that's draped in bacon. A bacon tree ! We're saved! He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
I accidentally called my wife a 'trophy' the other day...
She shot back, Oh come on, just because you always finish first doesn't mean you win anything!
A man is praying to God and asks "God, how is it you created all this in 7 days?"
God replied, "well, you see time is different for you and me. A million years in human time is only a second in time for me. I created everything in 7 days my time, not yours, so the time frame is much greater than interpreted."
"Oh my God, that is ncredible!" the man exclaimed. "So what, like a penny to you is a million dollars for us?"
"Um, yeah, kinda. Something like that...." God says
"Well, in that case, can I just have a penny, God?" The man shoots his shot
"Sure" God agrees, much to the surprise of the man. "Just gimme a second to find it...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dave was getting robbed in the desert
he gave the robber his money and asked the robber shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.
he then asked," shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward"
after the robber shot the coat, he said, "shoot a few holes-"
"please, no more holes, I'm out of bullets"
"that's what I wanted to hear. now give me back the wallet and some more money for the hat and coat you destroyed before I beat you black and blue"
A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut you've ever seen...
"Give me two shots of Jack Daniels," he says to the bartender. "One for me, and one for you."
"You know I don't drink on the job," the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.
Downing the drink, the man replies, "And that's why I like you better than my barber."
A soldier in WWII was shot but coins in his pocket stopped the bullet.
It was his life savings.
Weird Pfizer vaccine side effect
I haven't made any sounds when I go to the bathroom since I got the shot.
Doctor said that with Pfizer, the p is silent.
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?
What dear? She asked gently.
I think you bring me bad luck.
A couple of Blondes are out in the woods hunting.......
When one of them falls to the ground and her eyes close. The other blonde whips out her cell phone and calls 911. She gasps to the operator, Help! Help! My friend Holly is dead! What should I do? The operator, in a calm voice, says, Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure she's really dead.
After a brief silence, a shot rings out, then the blonde's voice comes back on the line. OK, now what?
Stalin is giving a speech, and someone sneezes.
Stalin looks up from his notes and says, "Who sneezed?" No-one says anything.
Stalin has the first row taken away by KGB to be shot. "Who sneezed?" he asks again. No-one says anything. He has the second row of the audience taken away by the KGB to be shot.
"Comrade Stalin, I sneezed!" Says a man in the third row.
Stalin looks at the man and says; "Bless you."
Students at M.I.T. recently developed a new contender for the blackest material known to man...
Scientists attempted to demonstrate it in public, but it was immediately shot by the police.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An 88-year old man came to the hospital and said to the doctor, Doctor, my 18 year old wife is pregnant with my child.
The doctor paused and said, There was a master bear shooter in a village. He never missed a shot.
But one day he was in a hurry, and took his umbrella instead of his rifle by mistake.
When he encountered a bear, he still didn't realize his mistake and pointed the umbrella and shot the bear.
The bear lay dead with a bullet in his heart!
The old man said, That's s**...! The bullet must have been shot by another person.
That's exactly right, said the doctor.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The doctor told me I had only six months to live, so I shot him dead. The judge gave me fifteen years.
Problem solved.
