Shortly Jokes

Following is our collection of happily humor and redneck shorts one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Shortly puns for adults, dirty some shorts jokes or clean yo mama so short gags for kids.

There is an abundance of asap jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 54 funniest jokes on shortly. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any finally witze you can hear about shortly.

The Best jokes about Shortly

A woman is in the hospital in a coma...

and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her crotch, her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes oral sex will bring her out of the coma.

The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."

A Native American walks into an Old West saloon followed shortly by a bear

The patrons freeze in fear, and the saloonkeeper points to the Native American man and whispers "There's a bear right behind you!"

The Native American man holds up a calm hand and says, "I can explain. Bear with me."

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.

Thief: You must really love your wife!

Man: No, but she will be home shortly .

I don't know why, but the record for oldest person seems to be cursed.

Every time someone gets it, they die shortly afterwards.

Three blondes are walking through the woods

shortly into their walk, they find tracks on the ground.

"Look at the size of these rabbit tracks!" Said the first blonde.

"You moron, those are raccoon tracks." Said the second blonde.

"You two are so stupid, these are obviously coyote tracks!" Said the third blonde.

Two minutes later, they were all run over by a train.

A couple just finalized their adoption of a Japanese baby.

Shortly after, they signed up for Japanese lessons and explained that they had just adopted a baby.

"How nice!" said the teacher.

"Yeah," they agreed. "He'll be talking in a couple years and we want to be able to understand him!"

9 is enough.

Shortly after having her ninth baby, an Irish Catholic woman runs into her parish priest.

He congratulates her on the new offspring and says, "Nine children is certainly a full house."

"Well," she replies, "I don't know how I get pregnant so often. It must be something in the air."

"Yes," says the priest, "your legs."

A teacher receives a phone call shortly before the school day starts

Caller: Mr. Brown, my son James will not come to school today because he is sick.

Teacher: Who am I speaking to please?

Caller: I am my father.

A flight from Dublin to Boston

Shortly after I took off on an Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston a few weeks ago, the air hostess nervously announced that the catering department had made a terrible mistake. A big mix up she said. Although 226 passengers were on board they received only 80 dinners. She apologised, but said that anybody kind enough to give up their meal would receive unlimited free drinks for the remainder of the flight. The next announcement came 2 hours later when she said, "If anybody is hungry, we still have 80 dinners available".

I can't believe this happened

I was on the toilet, and shortly after I sat down I heard from the stall next door, "Hi, how are you?". Embarrassed but not wanting to be rude I said "doing fine?" Then I hear them ask "So what are you up to?". ?!?! "Um..." I said "Same as you I'd guess. Just sitting here." Then I'm completely caught off guard when asked "Can I come over?" "I'm kind of busy at the moment" Annoyed I responded. Then I hear "Listen, I'll call you back later, the idiot in the next stall is answering all of my questions."

The US Military today confirmed that two marijuana users were killed when an aircraft crashed into a house shortly after takeoff.

Experts are saying it's the first recorded instance of killing two stoners with one bird.

I'm starting my new job at the guillotine factory today.

I'll beheading there shortly.

Three apprentice vampire bats

Three apprentice vampire bats are taken out to a farm and told to get as much blood as they can find by their teacher. 15 minutes go by and the first vampire bay returns with a little bit of blood on his teeth.
'Where did you get that blood' asked the teacher.
'Do you see that chicken? That's where I got it.' the bat replied.

Shortly after the second vampire bat returns with blood dripping from his snout.
Where did you get that blood' asked the teacher.
'Do you see that chicken? Do you see that cow beyond the chicken? That's where I got it.' the second bat replied.

Some time later the third bat returns with his whole face caked in blood.
Where did you get that blood!' asked the teacher.
'Do you see that chicken? Do you see that cow beyond the chicken? Do you see that wall beyond the cow? I didn't.'

A blonde crashes a helicopter

A policeman arrives shortly and helps the blonde out from the wreckage. "How did this happen?",questions the policeman. The blonde replies,"It got chilly so I turned off the fan."

3 Men and a Woman are stranded on an Island

Like everyone, they try to establish contact to other people at first and they build a shelter.

After about 3 Weeks the Men approach the Woman with a proposal to let one of the 3 have sex with her every other day so that everyones Sex drive could be fulfilled.

The Woman agrees and they have a great year together. However, shortly after the 14th Month of being stranded, the woman dies.

The first week is tough for the men, but they try to boost eachothers morale.

The second week is almost unbearable.

The third week makes them feel so bad they want to die.

In the fourth week they finally decide that they should bury her corpse.

A young man in the 60's goes to pick up his date

Her dad opens the door and invites him in.

After exchanging pleasantries, her father learns he's taking her to a dance.

Her dad says "Wow! How exciting. Now there's one thing you should know. My daughter loves to screw. She would screw all night if she could."

The young man's eyes light up, as his night will be going better than expected.

His date comes down shortly after, and with a big smile he takes her to the dance.

An hour later, the front door slams and the girl marches up to her dad and yells "DAMNIT DAD! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!"

Clinton consults the past

Hillary went for a walk one morning and came upon the Washington monument. She asked, "George, what should I do?" After a few seconds a ghostly voice replied, "Abolish the IRS and start over." She thought about this for a few seconds and continued her walk.

Shortly afterwards she stepped up to the Jefferson Memorial and stopped to ask "Tom, what should I do?" After a few seconds Tom's disembodied voice replied, "Abolish welfare and start over."

She thought about this while continuing on to the Lincoln Memorial, and once again she asked the same question. After a few seconds Abe replied, "Why don't you take the night off and go to the theater?"

A pilot was welcoming the passengers on the plane shortly after take-off...

"Thank you for flying with us this morning.

The weather is....."

Then suddenly he starts screaming while he is still on the mic, "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! IT'S BURNING!!!"

A ghostly silence reigned.

He gets back on the microphone and says, "I sincerely apologize for the incident, but I just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap.. you should see my pants!"

One passenger shouts back, "WHY DON'T YOU COME HERE AND SEE OURS!!!"

A woman gets married and has 3 kids...

A woman gets married and has 3 kids. Her husband dies shortly after.

The woman get remarried and has another 4 kids. Her husband dies shortly after.

The woman gets married a third time and has another 5 kids. Her husband dies shortly after.

After a little while the woman dies as well. Attending her funeral, two of her friends are talking:

"Well at least they're together again."

"Together with which one? She was married three times!"

"No, I meant her legs!"

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're on the team for this Saturday's match!"

Three strikes

Wild west. Newlyweds are on their way from the church in their carriage when the horse trips.

β€’ "One", counts the husband, to the bewildered glance from his new wife, and they keep going.

Shortly, the horse trips again.

β€’ "Two", counts the man, again receiving a puzzled look from his woman.

A little while later the horse trips for a third time.

β€’ "Three!", proclaims the man, jumps off the carriage, walks over to the horse and shoots it dead.

The wife, shocked and appalled, runs up to the man and starts shouting at him:

β€’ What *are* you doing!? You can't just get rid off something because it has made three mistakes, you can't apply a three-strike rule to everything you have in your life!!

The husband, calmly, looks at his wife and says:

β€’ "One"...

A pilot is flying a plane and shortly after mid-air announcement , forgets to turn off the mic.

He then mentions to his copilot : "I am dating that cute air hostess. After we land , we will go to the hotel and bang. "
The air hostess after hearing this runs towards the front of the plane at full speed to tell the pilot to turn off the mic and hits a blind man's stick and falls down.
The guy sitting on the other side says : "Why are you in such a hurry , we haven't even landed yet! "

Three blondes were walking in the woods...

Three blondes were walking in the woods. They found some tracks. The first said "oh its wolf tracks!" The second said, "No, its horse tracks." And the third one said "I think its pig tracks" shortly after they were all hit by a train.

Cheating for "Good" Reasons

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.

Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

Two Irishmen are doing roadwork outside a brothel.

They see a rabbi approach. The rabbi looks around carefully and then slips inside.

"Ah, would'ya look at that!" says one man to the other. "A man o' the cloth even! Damned shame..."

Shortly after this, a Protestant minister walks up to the brothel before surreptitiously going in.

"Outrageous!" the road worker says. "No wonder our kids today are so confused!"

Finally, a Catholic priest approaches, looks over his shoulder, then darts in.

"Ah, will ya look at that!" says the road worker. "One o' the poor lasses must be sick."

A man walks into his office

A man walks into his office cubicle on a Monday morning. He checks his e-mails and sees one from his neighbor.
it reads, "Do you have any naked photos of your wife?"

Outraged the man replies, "NO I DO NOT!!!!"

Shortly after he receives a second e-mail from his neighbor. Expecting an apology, he opens the e-mail.

It reads, "Want to buy some?"

There were a few sandwiches sitting on the table...

Although they were quite small, they looked absolutely titillating. The sign near them said they were free, so why not?

I grabbed a roast beef one, bit into it, and suddenly I heard a little voice telling me how good I looked, and how well I was dressed. I shortly realized it was coming from the sandwich. Confused, I grabbed another sandwich, this time ham and cheese. Same thing. It was telling me how nice I smell and how my hair is very well styled. Although very nice to hear, I was dumbfound. After all, how can a sandwich talk? Whatever.

I then noticed another tray of sandwhiches...but kind of out of view. I walked over and man...these looked like the best things ever made. I picked one up, but the moment I laid hands on it, it started cursing at me, called me ugly, fat, etc. Taken aback, I tossed the sandwich down and went to one of the caterers.

"What is wrong with these sandwiches? The first two I had were very nice and friendly...but the third was very rude and disrespectful..."

The caterer responded, "Oh, only the first two trays were complimenttray..."

Donald Trump says that he plans to reduce inflation.

Shortly after, Tom Brady announced his intent to vote for Trump.

Batman went to a restaurant.

Shortly after being seated, the waiter asks if he would like a drink.

"Water." Batman says in his gruff voice.

"Would you like ice and a lemon?"

Batman looks at him and says: "Justice."

A woman is in a coma in hospital

The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her crotch, her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes oral sex will bring her out of the coma.

The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."

My daughter and her boyfriend went to their room

Shortly after I heard "Baby baby oh! And I rushed towards the room. Thank god I said to myself as they were just having sex and not listening to Justin Beiber.

A man scuttled out to his garage and began pulling the lawn furniture out onto the driveway.

Shortly after he did the same with the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.

A curious neighbour wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.

No, replied the man. My son just bought his first car and right now he's getting ready for a big date.

So what's with all the stuff? asked the neighbour.

Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him.

What do we want? A thesaurus!

When do we want it?

Straightaway, forthwith, directly, immediately, instantly, away, first off, momentarily, on the double, promptly, pronto, right away, shortly, today, nowadays, PDQ, at once, at the moment, at this time.

Went to our annual work party last night...

They played 'The Twist' so I twisted. They played 'Jump' so I jumped. Then they played 'Come on Eileen'...I was asked to leave shortly after that.

A waiter and a waitress collided at the kitchen door.

Plates went flying everywhere. The waiter & waitress just stared dumbfounded. Shortly after the chef came out and kicked each of them. They both got up, cleaned up the mess, and returned to serving customers.

Again they crashed a short while later. Then again they sat befuddled until the chef gave them each a kick. Again they resumed their duties. This repeated a couple more times.

Finally the manager came to ask the chef what why customers were complaining about long waits. The chef replied: "It's these new servers. They keep crashing & need to be rebooted each time."

In 1982 Elton John attended one of Queen's concerts, but was shortly hospitalized afterwards.

Turns out they found traces of Mercury in him.

Two hunters walk into the woods....

One of them trips over, he's not breathing and his eyes have rolled back into their sockets. The other hunter whips out his phone and calls emergency services. The lady on the line asks what's wrong.

"Help, help! I think my friend is dead!"says the hunter.

"Calm down, take a breather, help will be with you shortly. First you need to make sure that he is dead"says the woman.

There is a silence, then a gunshot Is heard.
The hunter goes back on the phone and says "okay, now what?"

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then he took a
seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the
The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said
to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver, either. He just backed his truck over three

What do the brave men, and women who protect our towns and cities have in common with some very small bugs that get stuck in Edgar Allan Poe's hair have in common?

They're both Po-Lice.

* my wife kicked me out of the car shortly after telling you this joke. Crazy part about it is I was driving at the time.

A rabbi and a catholic priest

A rabbi and a catholic priest met at the Sea Genezareth. The rabbi sugests that they should go swimming, but the catholic priest didn't want to, because he got no smimming trunks with him. After a little discussion the rabbi convinced him to go naked, just like god made them.
Shortly after they have gone in to the water a group of tourists came by. Immediately the catholic priest covered his manhood with his hands, however the rabbi covered his face.
The catholic priest asks the rabbi wondering why he covers his face instead of his manhood.
The rabbi answered:
People recognize me by my face!

An American, an Irishman, and a Frenchman all go into a bar

They each order one beer from the barkeep, and shortly after he returns with their beers, a fly lands in each of their beers. The Frenchman cries out in disgust and demands a new beer. The American picks the fly out of his drink and starts to sip at his beer. The Irishman picks the fly out and starts to shout Spit it out!!"

A man boards a plane and, to his surprise, finds the pope in the seat next to him...

Shortly after takeoff, the pope opens the newspaper and starts working on the crossword puzzle. Almost immediately the pope turns to the man and says, Execuse me, do you know a four-letter word that ends in 'unt' and refers to a woman?

Just one word leapt to mind, an extremely vulgar one. The man thinks to himself, I can't suggest *that* word to the pope. There must be another word . . .

Then it hits him. He turns to the pope and says, I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt.'

Of course! Exclaims the pope. I don't suppose you have an eraser?

A young carpenter was looking to make some money...

Shortly after Jesus was crucified, a young carpenter saw his opportunity to make some money from the late martyr. He began making small wooden crucifixes depicting Jesus, and people were queuing up to buy them.

One day, a man came in with a request. "I want you to make the biggest crucifix you can. I am very rich. I will pay you more money than you can imagine," he said. The carpenter said he would try his best.

And so he began. He toiled day and night, carving every intricate detail to create the biggest depiction of Jesus on the cross that he could.

When he was done, the rich man returned. Upon seeing the carpenter's work, he exclaimed "This is magnificent! This is the biggest carving I've ever seen!" Truly pleased, the rich man handed over the money he promised. The carpenter accepted it, and smiled gleefully - he had made a huge prophet.

A guy was watering his lawn

As he was watering his lawn, he noticed a hearse coming down the street followed by another hearse. Behind the second hearse was a man walking a dog, and behind them were like 15 guys walking in a single file line.

The guy watering his lawn walks up to the man with the dog and asks what happened.

"My wife was killed by this dog."

"Wow, I'm so sorry to hear that," replied the guy. "Why is there a second hearse?" he asked.

"Well this dog also killed my mother-in-law shortly after."

The guy thinks for a second and then asks the man if he can borrow the dog.

The man replies, "Get in line."

A new conspiracy theory states Priness Diana was actually on the radio shortly after the supposed accident that killed her.

And the windshield, and the dashboard...

^^^I ^^^feel ^^^dirty

Prostate examination [NSFW]

A guy goes into the medical center for a checkup. The nurse asks him if he's ever had a prostate exam before, and reassures him it's very straightforward and not to worry. Just go through into the next room, and the doctor will be with you shortly.
So he goes into the room and starts undressing. It's only a minute before the Doctor comes in and tells him to drop his trousers. Asked where to put his pants, Doctor says "right here next to mine."

3 Men Awaiting Execution

The first man sits in the electric chair: I believe in God, and I know that I will not be harmed since this is a wrongful sentencing -- nothing happens and the man lives on.

Next in line for execution is a lawyer. He is shortly sat down and attached to the chair. "I believe in Justice and law..." despite his failed negotiations he was released.

Last in line was an engineer who promptly saw the two misconducted trials. He blurted out "you have to connect the two leads over there to complete the circu..." and swiftly thereafter he was executed.

Two with sausage and meatballs, two without

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decided to take a vacation to Australia. None of them made it back alive.

The redhead hopped off the plane and headed straight for the beach. She was eaten by a shark shortly thereafter.

The brunette was tired after her long flight, so she headed straight for her hotel to take a nap. After her nap, she got up to head to the opera, but a spider had slipped into her shoes and when she tried to put them on she was bitten and died.

The blonde was found drowned in her car off the coast of Florida. She'd taken one look at flight tickets and figured it was cheaper to drive.

A husband and wife give birth to twins...

...but realized that they simply don't have the money to support a family. They put the twins up for adoption without so much as giving them names, after deciding it was for the best. Soon, one twin is adopted by a Mexican family, and his new family names him Juan. Shortly after, the other twin is adopted by an Egyptian family. His family names him Jamal. Years pass, and one day the couple receives a picture in the mail of Juan.

"Look, honey!", said the wife, "They sent us a picture of Juan! I just wish we could get a picture from Jamal..."

The husband replied, "You don't need one."

"Why?" She asked him.

"Because if you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal."

Harry Potter, for a magical creatures lesson had the assignment of looking after a magical gecko.

He took great care of it , and was graded A for nurturing the pet so well. However shortly after receiving the grade for his assignment , the gecko escaped and went missing.

Harry was understandably upset about this, and a couple weeks of searching went by to no avail.

Then one day Hagrid comes running up to Harry, holding what looks like a portable cage with a scaly looking animal inside.

What's this? An excited looking Potter asks.

Your A lizard, Harry.

A joke from one of my friends who's an airline pilot

So he often says, right before take off "Ladies and gentlemen I'd like to thank you for choosing Jet Blue and would also like to thank the wonderful flight attendants for their professionalism and dedication to trying to make your flight as safe and comfortable as possible. However, you won't find any of those people on this flight. So sit back and please fasten your seat belts as we will shortly begin our ascent"

My flight was being served

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up , that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which the flight attendant replied , without missing a beat,

Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!'

A guy stands up on a plane and screams "HIJACK"

and everybody is understandably afraid. However shortly after this someone shouts back, "Hi Fred!"

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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