Short Stop Jokes

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three-toed feet?"
The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."
"Okay," said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"
"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert," "Thanks Mom," replies the son.
After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back?"
The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store fat for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without water for long periods."
"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom ..." "Yes son?"
"What good does all that do us here in the San Diego Zoo?"

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear.

In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful.
Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.
The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff.
His hopes were dim.
Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"
The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air.
Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.
Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive..."

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not.
Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"
The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does.
He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.
With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."
The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.
Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?"
The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher.

.
He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for ill*gally grown dr*gs."
The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.
"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull...
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety.
The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...
"Your badge... Show him your badge!"

A DEA agent and a rancher

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your BADGE.........!!"

Jogger finds a tennis ball

So Joe is out jogging alongside a tennis court. Unspurprisingly, he spots a tennis ball which has gone over the net. It's getting late and nobody's left playing, he figures they just left the ball there.
So Joe picks up the ball and puts it in his shorts pocket, to play with his dog later. He runs off, and stops by his regular watering hole to rehydrate. One of his friends spots the bulge in his shorts and asks:
"What have you got there Joe?"
"That? That's a tennis ball."
"Dear lord, and I thought having a tennis elbow was bad!"

A Jumper

On January 9 a group of Pekin IL , bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a Peoria bridge, so they stopped.
The Harley leader, George a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit s**...," she says.

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After she's finished, George gets approval from his group, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you are wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing s**...?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl".
The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed!

A dog walks into the vet's office

A dog walks into the vet's office and he meets another dog. This other dog looks petrified. The first dog says, "Hey pal, what's the matter?"
The second dog says, "I can't stop h**... things. I h**... the sofa. I h**... the pillows. I can't help myself. The final straw came when I h**... a guest's leg. I'm here to get neutered."
The first dog says, "I have a similar problem. The other night my master's wife was wearing a short robe and when she bent over to take her slippers off, I mounted her and started h**... her."
The second dog frowns and says, "I guess you're here to get neutered too."
The first dog winks and says, "Nah, just getting my nails clipped."

Why men don't write advice columns...

Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbours daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbours daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past
six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was sacked from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
-------------------------------
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no dirt in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps.
Walter.

Three Europeans wash ashore on an island occupied by cannibals...

They are caught quickly, and the cannibal chief tells them that they are to be eaten and their skins used to make canoes. They are horrified at the thought of being cooked or eaten alive, but at least a little of their fear is relieved when the chief tells them that they will be permitted to kill themselves in a manner of their own choosing.
The first, an Englishman, elects to shoot himself and asks for a p**.... He is presented with one, and says farewell to his friends before ending it.
The second, a Frenchman, asks for poison. He turns to the other, says "au revoir," and drinks the poison, dying shortly.
The third, a Pole, asks for a fork. The chief is confused, but hands him one anyway. The Pole proceeds to stab himself an excessive number of times all over his body, drawing copious amounts of blood and astonishing and even disturbing the onlooking cannibals somewhat. The chief grabs hold of him and asks him why he would make himself suffer so. The Pole says, "I can't stop you from eating me, but it looks like you're going to be short one canoe."

A heroic biker . . .

Last week, a group of Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"
The would-be jumper responded, "I'm going to commit s**...."
While George didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a legend-in-the-making opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.
After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing s**...?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

The greatest salesman....

So the greatest salesman of all time sees a potential customer and stops him. The customer tells the salesman that he is in a hurry, the salesman tells him that he is selling energy drinks so he can get faster to his destination. I dont have time for this, says the customer. Time!! I'm selling Citizen, Bulova, Mont Blanc. No thanks, says the customer i'm in a hurry got to go to the office. Office!!! says the salesman, I got Desks, Computers, Laptops, Pen. STOP BOTHERING MEEE!!! I do not feel well. SICK!! Says the salesman, Panadol, Tylenol, Peptobismol... OK!! says the customer, do you sell guns??, GUNS!!! I have Magnum, 9mm, Shotguns..
Give me a 9mm.. and bam.. shoot the sales man twice in the chest.... KEVLAR!!!!! Long sleeve, short sleeve, no sleeve.... :/

Italian bread

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's vigor and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies.
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, Do you have any Italian bread?
She said, Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?
He said, I want 5 loaves.
She said, My goodness, 5 loaves …. by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard.
He replied, I can't believe it, everybody knows about this stuff but me.

A man goes for a jog...

...as he passes the tennis courts he finds a tennis ball in the gutter. He picks it up and it seems to be a good find, so he puts it in his pocket and continues his jog. As he approaches home, he sees his next door neighbor outside watering the lawn. He stops to say hello and they start chatting. However, throughout their conversation the neighbor keeps looking down suspiciously at the bulge in the mans shorts. Finally the man tries to reassure his neighbor, "dont worry," he says, "it's just a tennis ball."
"Oh my goodness!" exclaims the neighbor, "I am so sorry. I had tennis elbow once, and I thought THAT was bad!"

Raisin bread

A general store hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
"I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.
The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which, of course, happens to be located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view.
As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction. Right away, another guy asks for raisin bread and, then, each guy in turn is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After more than a few trips, the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring down at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
"Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells testily.
"No," croaks the old man feebly, "But it's starting to twitch."

A rancher and his family have a milk cow...

A rancher and his family have a milk cow, and not much else to their name. The milk is the sweetest, toppest grade dairy around.
One day, the rancher wakes up and finds his milk cow dead. Unable to face life with his sole source of income gone, he sets up a noose in the barn and takes his life.
The rancher's wife wakes up that same day, and goes to find her husband. When she sees the cow dead, and her husband hanging beside it, she goes to the nearby river and drowns herself.
The rancher's eldest son wakes up, finds the cow, his dad, and his mother all dead. He is approached by a beautiful woman who says that if he can make love to her 10 times in a row, that she will revive his parents and the cow. If he failed, she would kill him.
The eldest son, of course eager, immediately agrees. He doesn't make it, and she kills him on the spot.
The second eldest son wakes up, finds his family dead along with the cow, and is approached by this same mysterious beautiful woman, who proposes the same arrangement. This son, also eager, quickly jumps at the opportunity.
Again, the son falls short and is killed.
The third and youngest son wakes up and finds his family and cow dead, and is approached by the woman.
"Rough day, huh?" She said, offering him the same deal as her brothers.
"So I make love to you 10 times without stopping... and you bring everyone back... What if I make love to you 15 times?"
"Well... I'll bring everyone back, even the cow, and put a mansion where your little ranch is."
"Ok... well what if I make love to you 20 times without stopping?"
Laughing, the mysterious woman says, "Well, I'll give you a great big bag of gold, jewels, and money. So much that you and your family will be set for life."
"Fine, fine... but last question. If I make love to you 20 times without stopping, what's to stop you from dying from it? The milk cow did."

The Monks and the Merchant. A joke penned by Leonardo Da Vinci

Franciscan begging Friars are wont, at certain times, to keep fasts, when they do not eat meat in their convents. But on journeys, as they live on charity, they have license to eat whatever is set before them. Now a couple of these friars on their travels, stopped at an inn, in company with a certain merchant, and sat down with him at the same table, where, from the poverty of the inn, nothing was served to them but a small roast chicken. The merchant, seeing this to be but little even for himself, turned to the friars and said: "If my memory serves me, you do not eat any kind of flesh in your convents at this season." At these words the friars were compelled by their rule to admit, without cavil, that this was the truth; so the merchant had his wish, and eat the chicken and the friars did the best they could. After dinner the messmates departed, all three together, and after travelling some distance they came to a river of some width and depth. All three being on foot--the friars by reason of their poverty, and the other from avarice--it was necessary by the custom of company that one of the friars, being barefoot, should carry the merchant on his shoulders: so having given his wooden shoes into his keeping, he took up his man. But it so happened that when the friar had got to the middle of the river, he again remembered a rule of his order, and stopping short, he looked up, like Saint Christopher, to the burden on his back and said: "Tell me, have you any money about you?"--"You know I have", answered the other, "How do you suppose that a Merchant like me should go about otherwise?" "Alack!" cried the friar, "our rules forbid as to carry any money on our persons," and forthwith he dropped him into the water

Raisin Bread

A baker hires a young female assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and a thong. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant and then at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. The girl nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, gets an excellent view just as he planned. Once she comes down he says he should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner. As the girl retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see her climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man: "Is it raisin for you, too?" "No," stammers the old man: "but it's quivering a bit!"

A man goes to a cathouse with only $5 to his name.

"What can $5 get me?" he asked the lady inside.
"Let's see.. well, I can give you a penguin job," she replied.
The call girl unzips the man's pants and leaves them around his ankles, and goes to work with her mouth.
"Oh wow, this is fantastic, you sure know what you're doing!" The man was really enjoying his $5 penguin job.
It was only a short while before the climactic finish was approaching, and he made no delay with vocalizing this.
"I'm going to come, I'm going to come!"
The courtesan quickly stopped, got to her feet, and walked out the door of the room they were in.
"Wait baby, wait, wait! Where are you going?!" The man, pants still down around his ankles, waddled after the woman as fast as he could.
"That's a penguin job, and that'll be $5," she said, with a laugh.

A Truck Driver's Duty

A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride. A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and aimed his truck at him.
At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway. Looking back as he drove on, he didn't see anything.
He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest. "I'm sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road."
But the priest said, "Don't worry, son. I got him with my door."

Patty and Billy...

...drink whiskey together on a regular basis and become the closest of friends. They make a vow that the one who outlives the other will open a bottle of the finest whiskey and pour on the grave site of the other on the day of the f**.... Sadly, Patty dies and Billy is left to proceed with the ritual after everyone leaves the cemetery. As he stands over the grave, deeply sobbing and weeping, he opens the bottle, and tilts it slightly, but stops short of pouring out the liquid.
"Patty won't mind if I pass it through my kidneys first, would he?"

An extremely close landing on an extremely short runway..

A plane is nearing its destination. The pilot turns to his co-pilot and remarks: "That looks like a really short runway." The co-pilot looks at it and says: "Yes, captain, its really short." 100 meters from the runway, the pilot communicates to the passengers and crew: "Fasten your seatbelts, this is going to be an extremely close landing!" The plane touches down on the ground, engages maximum breaks, and with schreaching tires comes to a stop two meters from the end of the runway. "Phew, " says the pilot relieved. "That was the shortest landing I've ever made." The co-pilot looks out of the windows and answers: "And certainly on the widest runway I've every seen.."

The religious bear.

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.
The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"
The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.
Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive...."

I caught a ride from this stranger...

and we came to a red light, but he zipped right through it. I asked him "Why didn't you stop?"
He replies "Aw, don't worry about it! My brother does that all the time!"
We come to another red light, and he runs that one as well.
"My brother does this all the time!"
We come up on a third red light, but just before we get there, it turns green. He slams the brakes on, smoke coming off the wheels, and we stop just short of the intersection. I ask him "Why'd you stop *now*?"
He looks at me with fear in his eyes, and says "My brother might be coming!"

A tourist in Africa is tired and looking for a ride

While going down the street a truck driver stops and tells him he can take him where he is going. The tourist, eager to get off his feet, eagerly accepts. Shortly after getting in the truck the tourist falls asleep. Suddenly he is woken up by three bumps in the road, but he thinks nothing of it and goes back to sleep. Finally he is woken up by the driver, having reached his destination.
"Sorry for the bumpy ride," the driver says, "I hit a black person on the way here."
"But I felt three bumps," the tourist inquires.
"Yea," the driver continues, "I had to go through two fences to get him."

As told by an Austrian engineer

Three engineers, a Brit, a Frenchman, and an Austrian, were found guilty of treason in a former colony. The sentence was death by guillotine, but the engineers were given a choice of receiving the penalty face-up, or face-down. The Brit chose face-up and the blade miraculously stopped inches short of his t**.... This was seen as a sign from God, and the Brit was set free. The French engineer also chose face-up, and once again, the blade stopped inches from the t**.... Again, a miracle, and the Frenchman was set free. The Austrian, not to be outdone, chose face-up, but just before the blade was released was heard to proclaim, "Wait a minute, I see the problem."

A French Execution

A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are awaiting execution.
The priest is first to go and is put into the guillotine.
The blade drops and two feet away from his neck it stops, stuck.
The priest proclaims it a miracle from on high and is immediately released.
Next up is the lawyer, placed face-down on the guillotine ready to die.
Again the machine fails two feet from his neck.
"According to your laws, since you failed to execute me, I must be let go", and he is.
Finally the engineer is set to be killed, and placed upon the instrument he is to die upon.
As the blade falls, it stops short once again failing it's only task.
As the engineer looks from his prone position, he examines the failed machine.
"I can totally fix that for you."

A police officer stops at a local ranch

He talks with the old rancher, and tells him." I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs".
The rancher says, " OKay, but do not go in that field over there," as he is pointing out the location the police officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me".
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, and proudly displays it to the rancher.
" See the badge old man? this badge means I am allowed to go on any land ... have I made myself clear".
The rancher apologizes, nods and goes about his chores.
A short time later the old rancher hears loud screaming,
looks up and sees the police officer running in front of the farmers Santa Gertrudis bull.
With every step the officer makes the bull gains two, only seconds before the bull reaches him.
The rancher drops his tools and stands up and yells.
"Your badge, Show him your badge!"

An elderly woman had just returned

to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house.
Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled:
STOP! Acts 2:38! ( Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven. )
As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody.
As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked:
Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse.
Scripture? replied the burglar. She said she had an axe and two 38's!

Clinton consults the past

Hillary went for a walk one morning and came upon the Washington monument. She asked, "George, what should I do?" After a few seconds a ghostly voice replied, "Abolish the IRS and start over." She thought about this for a few seconds and continued her walk.
Shortly afterwards she stepped up to the Jefferson Memorial and stopped to ask "Tom, what should I do?" After a few seconds Tom's disembodied voice replied, "Abolish welfare and start over."
She thought about this while continuing on to the Lincoln Memorial, and once again she asked the same question. After a few seconds Abe replied, "Why don't you take the night off and go to the theater?"

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three h**...'s Angels bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then he took a
seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the
counter.
The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the
counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said
to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver, either. He just backed his truck over three
motorcycles…

Bartering with Beer

Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store. I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.
I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump. It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open. She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.

With her bra-less self almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a s**... voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow,
would you be interested in trading s**... for beer?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked,
"Depends on what kind of beer you've got!"

A guy California short stops a stop sign

And keeps going down an empty road. A cop who was sitting at the opposite corner sees this and pulls him over.
As he heads towards the drivers side door, the driver is rolling down his window and asks "What seems to be the issue, officer?"
"Well, I saw you didn't stop at the stop sign," he replies. "Is there any reason for that?"
The driver says, "Well there isn't anyone around, I figured it wouldn't hurt much, I did slow down."
So the officer pulls out his baton and starts wailing on the driver in his car.
As he's beating him, he's yelling "SIR, WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO SLOW DOWN OR STOP?!"

Three guys sit at a bar, and tell each other the same jokes again, and again on repeat.

One of them gets the idea to start numbering the jokes, so they don't have to repeat the entire joke, so for example, someone would say "number 6" and they would laugh at that joke. Then one of the guys says "number 11" and they all start laughing again. Shortly after, one of the men says "number 23", where they all laughed again, one longer than the 2 others. A minute or so after the first 2 stopped laughing, while the last man still laughs hysterically, one of the other asks, "why are you still laughing?", to which he replied "I hadn't heard that one before".