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Shops Jokes

79 shops jokes and hilarious shops puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about shops that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Shops Short Jokes

Short shops jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The shops humour may include short shopping jokes also.

  1. I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over. You've given me one too many.
    That one is a freebie.
  2. I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over.
    You've given me one too many I said.
    That one is a freebie
  3. I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite. It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.
  4. I was shopping with my wife and I couldn't find her, until I saw a beautiful women. I ask her: I have lost my wife, can I talk to you?
    She replies: Why?
    I say: You will see in 20 seconds.
  5. When I was a little kid, I thought "This little piggy went to market." meant it went shopping. It does not.
  6. They say never go food shopping when you're hungry but it's been over a week now and every day I just get hungrier.
  7. They say to never go shopping for food when you're hungry but it's been a week already and I keep getting hungrier and hungrier.
  8. Thieves broke into my shop and stole 15 cases of red bull I don't know how these people sleep at night
  9. My husband has been missing for six days now Police said to prepare for the worst.
    So I went to the charity shop to get his clothes back
  10. A woman ran screaming into the pro shop at the golf course... "I just got stung by a bee between the first and second hole!"
    The guy at the counter said "Your stance is too wide".

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Shops One Liners

Which shops one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with shops? I can suggest the ones about sales and goods.

  1. I saw an ad in a shop window, "TV for $5- Volume stuck on full" Couldn't turn it down.
  2. My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list. Now I can't read any of it.
  3. A bomb just went off in a paris cheese shop There is de brie everywhere!
  4. Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Eeeeee....
  5. If I ever move to Prague, I'll open a burrito shop. And call it Bohemian Wrap City.
  6. Where do sheep get their haircut? At the Bah-Bah-Shop
  7. I used to work in a pizza shop It didn't pay much but I kneaded the dough.
  8. Where do Siths do their shopping? At the Darth Mall
  9. Cheese shop exploded Thankfully I was only hit by da brie
  10. What do you call it when you're shopping for new eyebrows? Browsing.
  11. What do you call someone who's representing a bike shop? A spokesperson.
  12. Where does Senator Josh Hawley do his shopping? At the flee market.
  13. I had a butcher come into my shop and introduce me to his wife... He said, "Meet Patty".
  14. Shopping for antiques won't make you gay... ...but it will make you buy curios.
  15. What do little shops become at full moon? Werehouses

Doughnut Shops Jokes

Here is a list of funny doughnut shops jokes and even better doughnut shops puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The arrogant baker declared 'You'll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window' The customer agreed 'It must be the double glazing'
  • A surface topologist sits in a coffee shop thinking deeply about his research... he takes a sip from his doughnut.
  • I took my doughnut back to the shop the other day As it had a hole in it
Shops joke, I took my doughnut back to the shop the other day

Charming Humor Shops Jokes with Loads of Fun

What funny jokes about shops you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean merchant jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make shops pranks.

Made this joke up while working at Whole Foods a couple years back...

**What do you call a Whole Foods employee that shops at another grocery store?**
>!A "Traitor" Joe !<

'What Will Communism Be Like?'- A Russian Joke

One day, as a young man, Ivan asked a member of the Party, "What will it be like once we have built communism?". The Party man replied, "The shops will be full of goods, and we will have no money". Four decades passed, and the Soviet Union fell. After the fall of the USSR, Ivan found himself walking the streets of Moscow. He looked at the shops, and he felt in his pockets, and smiled. "Comrades", he said, "We have built communism at last!"

Jesus saves!

Because he shops at Walmart

Soon be Christmas...

WHO SAYS doing Christmas shopping early avoids the crush? Last year, I did mine a full 12 months in advance, and the shops were just as busy as ever.

My Pi Day joke

There was a village that had four competing pie shops, each inhabiting their own corner of the town. One of these shops was named "The Circle".
The Circle wanted to gain an edge on the other shops, they wanted to stand out. They realized they could transport more pies in their boxes if they made the pies square instead of circular, so they would stack better. The only place in the village to have these oddly-shaped pies is at The Circle.
So, for the area of The Circle, the pie are squared.

People who complain about sweat shops...

... should seriously walk a mile in my shoes.

Business idea

Souvernir Shops in abortion clinics - so noone leaves empty handed

Shopping back then

My pop was telling me about how back in the fifties you could get so much more from the shops.

Het tells me "we used to be able to go into grace brothers with ten dollars and come out with two pairs of socks, some new u**..., a razor or two and a small bottle of aftershave."

But unfortunately as he tells me, "you can't get that much for ten dollars anymore...there's too many security cameras"

I always hold my girlfriends hands

Because if I let go she shops!

I went downtown and apparently today the shops do trick-or-treating.

The Pope and the Rabbi (not the apple one)

The Pope is walking down a street in London, when the heel breaks off his shoe. He looks around, and sees two shops advertising shoe repair. Looking closer, he sees a star of David on the wall in one, and a crucifix in the other. He thinks for a moment, and decides he'll go into the Jewish run shop, and do a little something for the relationship between the two faiths.
They're a bit surprised when the Pope walks in, but treat him well and do a really nice repair for him. When they're done, they refuse his money but ask if they can put a sign up saying he was a customer. He agrees, and goes on his way. The following day, the Jewish run shop has a sign in the window; "Cobblers to the Pope."
The day after that, the Christian shop has a sign in the window; "b**... to the chief Rabbi."
.
[I'll get my coat...]

A programmer heads to the shops

His wife says "grab a loaf of bread and if they have eggs get a dozen"
He comes home with twelve loaves of bread.

Shops in Baltimore have been completely stripped bare.

All that's left is sun cream and Fathers day cards.

Now that I'm old, I have poor circulation and can only go to the shops every once in a while.

I hate being a newspaper.

I went to the shops to get eight cans of sprite.

But when i was walking back i realized Id only picked 7 up

To be a hipster is to live in constant suffering

You spend all your time in coffee shops, but you always have to drink your coffee before it's cool.

My dad went to the shops to get cigarettes 40 years ago when I was just 8 years old, and he never returned.

Sometimes I get really mad about it, the thought that he's out there somewhere, with my cigarettes.

A koala, a bear and a panda owned tea shops...

But which one was the best?
The Koala's, as it was the most Koala-Tea.

Why don't auto repair shops fix golf carts?

Because they work with parts for cars, not carts for pars.

They demolished my local Domino's Pizza shop...

yesterday, and then all the other shops on the street fell down.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Him: why did the chicken cross the road?
Her: I don't know.
Him: to go to the shops. Do you think that's funny?
Her: No.
Him: neither did the chicken.

shops have changed so much. In my day you could go in with a pound and get a bag of crisp and a magazazine

now days they have cameras

On her deathbed my wife said, "Sweety, I will see you in Heaven."

Since then I have kicked a puppy, stole from 4 shops and set fire to an orphanage.!

What does Matt Damon call it when he shops for cheap clothes?

Goodwill Hunting

When does a joke become a dad joke ?

When it's back from "its trip to the shops". Any minute now.

My wife has been in a coma for two weeks now, and the doctor told me to expect the worst.

So I had to go to all the charity shops and get her clothes back.

7 Great Wonders of Communism:

1. Universal employment.
2. Despite universal employment, no one works at all.
3. Despite no one working, all economic plans were fulfilled to 100% minimum.
4. Despite plans being fulfilled above the 100% requisite, shops remained empty.
5. Despite shops being empty, everyone had everything.
6. Despite everyone having everything, everyone remained a thief.
7. Despite the universal theft, no one was ever missing anything.

What are coffee shops in Russia called?

Tsarbucks.

Marriage is like a workshop

The man works and the woman shops

They say once you've seen a building with a bunch of shops in it

You've seen em' all

Been browsing the shops for a new couch...

Not many great ones sofa

My w**... and v**... store is doing really well.

Everyone who shops there leaves with high spirits.

If shops sell things at 3.14 times their actual value

They are Pirates.

The snow in the UK is pretty bad right now

So I thought I'd check on my elderly 85 year old neighbour Valerie to see if she needed anything from the shops.
She said she did so I gave her my list too, no point us both going out in this weather.

What do you call someone who robs vape shops?

A Juul thief.

When is was a kid, mum used to send me the shops wtih 50p. i could come home with a chicken, 2 pints of milk, 6 eggs, 2 packs of bacon and a comic book...

You can't do this nowadays though because of CCTV.

My wife just left me because of my anxiety and paranoia.

Nevermind, she just returned from the shops.

A man decides to open up a business...

Sadly, he is located right between two other shops in the same line of business he wishes to enter. To his left, a large sign reads "Smith and Co.", to his right theres "Winstons Finest". So, after a bit of pondering, he decides to name his shop "Main Entrance"

A guy comes to the shops counter to pay for a pack of condoms

Vendor: you want a bag with that?
Guy: No thanks, she is not that ugly

"Rincewind, all the shops have been smashed open, there was a whole bunch of people across the street helping themselves to musical instruments, can you believe that?"

"Yeah, Luters I expect." --Terry Pratchet, The Light Fantastic

You don't see as many flower shops around these days.

I wonder if climate change is the cause of all this deflorestation?

So apparently shops are now selling tampons with bells on.

Must be just be for the Christmas period.

I haven't seen my dad since he went to the shops to get milk

Good thing my mom went to find him

I cannot believe that it's 13 weeks away from pancake day

And they are already selling flour and eggs in the shops

With the weather conditions being as awful as they are, I thought I´d visit my 90 year old neighbour and ask if she needed anything from the shops.

Turns out she did, so I gave her my list too, no point in both of us going out in this weather!!

Little Johnny, a young American boy, is down at the shops when..

He sees a group of disgruntled looking Australian tourists holding maps and wandering around.
Being the inquisitive young lad that he is he decides to try and find out a bit about them. Although he cant understand a word they're saying he quickly learns that they're from an ancient Australian tribe called the Fakawi!
Excited by this discovery Johnny runs home to tell his mother about his find.
"Mum, mum!", Johnny shouts, "I met native members of the Fakawi tribe today!".
"How did you know who they were?" Mum asks.
"Well that was easy," says little Johnny, "everywhere they went they were telling people, "We're the fakawi!"".

A Jew was on his deathbed and told his only son

-Isaac, my son, i am dying. I just want you to know that the 8 houses, 3 apartment buildings, 24 taxis, 17 hotels, 8 shops, 3 swimming pools, the statues, jewelry...
-Are you going to give them to me, dad?
-I'm selling them to you. Very cheap

I went to the shops to buy some apples, oranges and bananas... I came back empty handed.

It was a fruitless endeavour.

What do you call a person who has two shops

Bishop

What's the difference between a woman and a tiger entering a commercial center?

The woman is shopping in the mall and the tiger is mauling in the shops.

I was driving down the interstate when I came across a sign for the world's largest pickle...

I turned at the next exit and found that there was a whole town around it. Shops, restaurants, even churches devoted to this pickle. When I finally found the museum holding this legendary pickle, I discovered it was closed. Dismayed, I went back to the interstate.
I just never saw what the big dill was.

I love going to pet shops. If I see an empty cage, I put a large pre prepared sign, saying "CHAMELEON"....

(stand back and watch the fun.)

Temel owes a lot of money to the local shops

They say a fool and his money are easily parted, but...

Vacuum repair shops really are for broke suckers.

What do you call security guards working outside Samsung mobile shops or showrooms ?

Guardians of the Galaxy.

I've started naming people after shops

You could be NEXT

"All the shops have been smashed open, there was a whole bunch of people across the street helping themselves to musical instruments, can you believe that?"

"Yeah," said Rincewind. "Luters, I expect."
* Terry Pratchett, *The Light Fantastic*

Sadly that shop didn't have any small shiny discs either.

Sorry , said the cashier, we don't have any in stock.
A lady went into an embroidery shop to buy some fancy beads for her dress.
So she tried another shop down the road.
Like this joke, the shops were all out of sequins.

I've just been to shops and some druggie started throwing milk and cheese at me..

I thought how dairy

My daughter just came in from the shops..

She bought two cardigans - both same design but one black and one white. I said "So that's Cardi A and the other one's..." I got a big groan.

Shops joke, What do little shops become at full moon?

jokes about shops