Shopping Jokes

186 shopping jokes and hilarious shopping puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about shopping that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Spend some time laughing this holiday season with these hilarious shopping jokes! Whether it's shopping in the mall, with a full trolley cart or through an online store, this collection of jokes is sure to have you chuckling in the check-out line at Walmart and Asda. From shopping lists to shopping addiction, these shopping jokes have it all.

Funniest Shopping Short Jokes

Short shopping jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The shopping humour may include short shops jokes also.

  1. I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over. You've given me one too many.
    That one is a freebie.
  2. I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over.
    You've given me one too many I said.
    That one is a freebie
  3. I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite. It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.
  4. I was shopping with my wife and I couldn't find her, until I saw a beautiful women. I ask her: I have lost my wife, can I talk to you?
    She replies: Why?
    I say: You will see in 20 seconds.
  5. When I was a little kid, I thought "This little piggy went to market." meant it went shopping. It does not.
  6. They say never go food shopping when you're hungry but it's been over a week now and every day I just get hungrier.
  7. They say to never go shopping for food when you're hungry but it's been a week already and I keep getting hungrier and hungrier.
  8. Thieves broke into my shop and stole 15 cases of red bull I don't know how these people sleep at night
  9. My husband has been missing for six days now Police said to prepare for the worst.
    So I went to the charity shop to get his clothes back
  10. A woman ran screaming into the pro shop at the golf course... "I just got stung by a bee between the first and second hole!"
    The guy at the counter said "Your stance is too wide".

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Shopping One Liners

Which shopping one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with shopping? I can suggest the ones about goods and sales.

  1. I saw an ad in a shop window, "TV for $5- Volume stuck on full" Couldn't turn it down.
  2. My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list. Now I can't read any of it.
  3. A bomb just went off in a paris cheese shop There is de brie everywhere!
  4. Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Eeeeee....
  5. If I ever move to Prague, I'll open a burrito shop. And call it Bohemian Wrap City.
  6. Where do sheep get their haircut? At the Bah-Bah-Shop
  7. I used to work in a pizza shop It didn't pay much but I kneaded the dough.
  8. Where do Siths do their shopping? At the Darth Mall
  9. Cheese shop exploded Thankfully I was only hit by da brie
  10. What do you call it when you're shopping for new eyebrows? Browsing.
  11. What do you call someone who's representing a bike shop? A spokesperson.
  12. Where does Senator Josh Hawley do his shopping? At the flee market.
  13. I had a butcher come into my shop and introduce me to his wife... He said, "Meet Patty".
  14. Shopping for antiques won't make you gay... ...but it will make you buy curios.
  15. What do little shops become at full moon? Werehouses

Shopping With Wife Jokes

Here is a list of funny shopping with wife jokes and even better shopping with wife puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The wife has been missing for a week. Police said I should now prepare for the worst.... So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back....
  • On her deathbed my wife said, "Sweety, I will see you in Heaven." Since then I have kicked a puppy, stole from 4 shops and set fire to an orphanage.!
  • A wife says to her husband put ketchup on the shopping list . He reluctantly agrees. I can't read it anymore he replies
  • The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
  • My wife gets jealous when I go grocery shopping... There's always a cashier checking me out.
  • A week after my wife went missing, the police told me that I should expect the worst case scenario. So I went back to the charity shop and retrieved all her old clothes.
  • why did my wife cross the road? To go back into the first clothes shop we went into two hours ago.
  • A man named Rick went shirt shopping with his wife and asked her: \- What size should I pick?
    \- Pick L, Rick.
    Haha that's the funniest s\*\*t I've ever seen.
  • A programmer heads to the shops His wife says "grab a loaf of bread and if they have eggs get a dozen"
    He comes home with twelve loaves of bread.
  • My wife has been in a coma for two weeks now, and the doctor told me to expect the worst. So I had to go to all the charity shops and get her clothes back.

Grocery Shopping Jokes

Here is a list of funny grocery shopping jokes and even better grocery shopping puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Garlic powder $5.99. Steak seasoning $14.99. Pepper shaker $9.99. Forgetting to grab your shopping bag at the grocery store counter.......spiceless
  • They say don't go grocery shopping when you are hungry... But it's been a week and I just keep getting hungrier.
  • WARNING!! They said you only have to wear masks and gloves to go grocery shopping but they LIED! Apparently you have to wear clothes too.
  • When I go grocery shopping, I choose the checkstand with the sexiest checker Self-checkout every time
  • Grocery shopping on a diet is easy in Germany.. Just look for the *gluten tag*.
  • Grandpa: "Back in the day, you could walk into a grocery store with $ 2 and leave with a full shopping cart. But nowadays they have security cameras everywhere!"
  • Where is Benedict Arnold's favorite place to shop for groceries? Traitor Joe's
  • My wife and I went grocery shopping with our masks on when we got home and took off our masks, I discovered I brought home the wrong wife. Stay alert people!
  • Your insistence on having your father walk you down the aisle may seem odd to some Especially considering the two of you are only going grocery shopping.
    I stole this joke.
  • Grocery Shopping I wrote down some stuff I needed at the grocery store. When I got there, I realized I forgot the note at home. I wandered around the store feeling listless the whole time.
Shopping joke, Grocery Shopping

Window Shopping Jokes

Here is a list of funny window shopping jokes and even better window shopping puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Guys walks into a piano shop and asks the shop keeper for a wasp! The store keeper says sir. We are a piano shop. We don't sell wasps . The guys says. Then why have you got some in the window?
  • I saw an ad in a shop window, Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full. I thought, I can't turn that down.
  • I was at my local home improvement store yesterday And I was looking in the window section. An employee came over and asked if I needed any help, I responded "No thanks, I'm just window shopping."
  • I used to find window shopping depressing..... then I visited Amsterdam.
  • A man walks into a cafe A man walks into a cafe and orders a coffee to go
    The coffee gets up and walks away.
    (Can't take credit for this, read it on a coffee shop window)
  • Bee A man walked into a pet shop and asked "can I have a bee please"
    Shop assistant said "we don't sell bees"
    The man replied "there's one in your window"
  • I saw a sign in a shop window that said "Watch batteries fitted, £2.50." I thought Why would anyone pay to see that?
  • I used to own a shop which sold 'Closed' signs... It didn't do very well. I had them all up in the window, but no-one ever came in.
  • A woman goes in to a butchers shop Lady: Is that a pigs head in your window?
    Butcher: No madam, it's a mirror.
  • I was walking outside of the Microsoft Store at the mall tonight when my wife asked if I wanted to go in and look at anything. I told her No, I'm just Windows shopping.

Ladies Shopping Jokes

Here is a list of funny ladies shopping jokes and even better ladies shopping puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A blonde dropped her shirt in at the cleaners... "come again" the shop assistant said as the lady left... "No just toothpaste", she replied.
  • A good looking lady asks me what I have going on tonight, so I tell her me and a buddy of mine are going glasses shopping. Mhmmmm.. and after that?
    After that, we'll see
  • A man on crutches walks into his local Ice-Cream shop.. He asks the lady behind the desk for a Knickerbocker Glory.
    She says; "Crushed nuts?"
    He says; "No, a sprained ankle"
  • I saw an old lady struggling to carry her shopping bags to the car, so I did the good thing. And took some to my own car to make her life easier.
  • A blind man walks into a fishmongers shop... And says "Good morning ladies!"...
  • There are 70 things to please a lady First is shopping, next is 69.
  • My wife is helping a local flower shop deliver flowers this week I told her that when ladies answer the door say, Here, he ordered these for me, but I thought you deserve them more.
  • What did the blind man say when he passed by the fish shop? Hello ladies
  • So a blind guy walks into a bait shop... ...and says, "hello ladies!"
  • Morning ladies Said the blind man as he walked past the fish shop.

Shopping Cart Jokes

Here is a list of funny shopping cart jokes and even better shopping cart puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What does a shopping cart and a wheelchair have in common? They both can be used to carry vegetables....
  • Aldi's low prices aren't only on food. They have shopping carts for just a quarter!
  • Me: "Alexa, add tinfoil for hats to my shopping cart." Alexa: "I ordered yesterday after I noticed you had 3 sheets left in your upper right cupboard. You're all good."
  • Why was the shopping cart sad? It was getting pushed around.
  • I ran in to a midget with my shopping cart at Walmart... Me: "I'm really sorry. Are you alright?"
    Midget: "I'm not happy!"
    Me: "Well, which one are you?"
  • The British are very strange people. They call pants 'trousers', shopping carts 'trolleys' and 6.7 raccoons in a human suit 'Prince Phillip'.
  • Where do pianists put their groceries while they shop? In a Chopin cart.
  • What is the difference between a blonde and a shopping cart? Sometimes, the shopping cart has a mind of its own.
  • Why don't auto repair shops fix golf carts? Because they work with parts for cars, not carts for pars.
  • How long does it take a tweaker to go shopping? An hour 5 minutes for the Ramen noodles and foil. 55 minutes to fix the squeaky shopping cart wheel.
Shopping joke, How long does  it take a tweaker to go shopping?

Heartwarming Shopping Jokes that Make You Laugh

What funny jokes about shopping you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean checkout jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make shopping pranks.

My wife texted "I'm leaving you"

And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."
I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."
I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a h**..."
A minute later I finished the message "-searching and resume building."

Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy's belly last night.

Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy's big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out.

Aha, I know why it isn't working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into him again.

A wife asks her husband, Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six.

A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk.
Why did you buy six cartons of milk? the wife asks.
He replies, They had avocados.

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

While I was out shopping today I tipped in the store

a woman saw this and wouldn't stop staring so I smiled at her and said "sorry, it's been a while since I possessed a body." She looked horrified.

Two young boys go to a store

They have $6 between them and want a cool toy. After shopping around they come up to the register with a box of tampons. The clerk asks "Why?" One little boy replies "It says on the box you can go swimming, horse-back riding, play tennis, and other activities!! We just need to figure out how they work."

So..the wife and I were in town shopping....

..and as we came out of a store, three girls aged between 18 and 20 walked by, wearing tiny cropped tops and short short skirts. One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic, long, toned and tanned legs.
I gently nudged my wife and said "I bet you wish you still had legs like that!".
She got really upset with fact I could still hear her sobbing as I wheeled her up the ramp into the next store.

A programmer goes shopping

A room mate asked his friend who is a programmer to go shopping.
"hey, can you buy a bottle of milk? Oh and if they have eggs, buy 12"
So the programmer went shopping.
When he got back, he bought 12 bottle of milk and his room mate asked
"why the heck did you bought 12 bottle of milk?!"
The programmer responded.
"they have eggs"

Saw my doctor today and showed him the bleeding coming out of my a**....

He completely ignored me, and carried on pushing his shopping basket in Walmart

The Wisdom of an Older Man

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?''
''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a pretty woman, she seems to appear out of nowhere.''

A penguin is driving to the mall...

All of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.
He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic.
The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?"
The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."

I went shopping with my wife today...

When I came across a group of women in short skirts.
I looked over to my wife and said "Ooh, I bet you wish you had legs like *those*"
She didn't say anything, but I could tell she was upset; I heard her sniffle as I wheeled her up the ramp into Waitrose.

I ate an entire pack of rohypnol last night and it didn't even affect me...

Anyway, gotta go. I need to do some last minute Christmas shopping.

A woman asks her husband, a programmer, to go shopping.

Wife: Dear, please, go to the nearby grocery store to buy some bread. Also, if they have eggs, buy 6.
Husband: O.K., hun.
Twenty minutes later the husband comes back bringing 6 loaves of bread. His wife is flabbergasted.
Wife: Dear, why on earth did you buy 6 loaves of bread?
Husband: They had eggs.

A little boy walks in on his parents having s**....

"Mommy, why are you on top of Daddy?" he says. The mom thinks fast and says "Well, your daddy has a big belly, so sometimes I get on top of him and try to flatten it out." The boy says "well that will never work." "Why?" says the mom. "Because when you go out shopping on Saturdays, the lady next door comes over and blows it right back up again."

A woman was shopping for her daughters birthday.

She asked the salss girl the price of some Barbie dolls. "This Barbie is $16.99," the girl said. "If you want something a little nicer, Malibu Barbie is $24.99. Or you can get Divorce Barbie for $169.99." "Why is Divorce Barbie so expensive" the mother asked. "Well," the sales girl said "Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house and car."

A little girl runs up behind us (this really happened)...

...while my GF and I were shopping at Target. The girl was maybe 5 and running from her mom. I made the comment, "Look Honey, a free daughter!" GF's reply was "Raising a child is not free." To which I replied, "Yes, but in this case you get a discount on the labor!"

My s**... life is exactly like my shopping.

I do it all online.

My girlfriend and I were shopping today. We saw that t**... had designed Olympic sponsored Condoms? I told here we had to buy some...

What's so special about them?
They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze.
And what color are you going to wear tonight?
Gold, obviously!
Why not Silver? It'd be great if you could come second for a change.

A woman is taken to court...

The judge asks, "What were you charged for?"
The women replied, "Doing my Christmas shopping too early."
When the judge asked her how early, she said, "Before the store opened."

Everyone keeps asking me why I buried my mom in such a terribly ugly outfit

We were shopping a few years ago and she said that was the last thing she'd ever want to wear.

Whata country..

You might remember comedian Yakov Smirnoff. When he first came to the United States from Russia he was not prepared for the incredible variety of instant products available in American grocery stores.
He says, "On my first shopping trip, I saw powdered milk -- you just add water, and you get milk. Then I saw powdered orange juice -- you just add water, and you get orange juice. And then I saw baby powder, and I thought to my self, "What a country!"

I went shopping with my wife.

Going down one of the aisles I noticed they had beer on sale $10 a case. I put it in the cart and she told me to put it back we couldn't afford it.
A couple aisles later she picks up a jar of face cream for 20 dollars.
I asked how come we can afford this and not the beer.
She said this makes my face pretty.
I said so will a case of beer for half the price.

Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.

"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"
"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."

Why do Instagram influencers enjoy shopping at Walmart so much?

They just can't get enough of the self-checkout.

A particularly dirty shabby looking woman asks for couple of dollars

A woman was walking down the street when she was
accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking
homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars
and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy
some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless
woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying
food?" the woman asked.
"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman
said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of
food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't
had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, I'm not going to give you the
money. Instead, I'm going t o take you out for dinner
with my husband and myself
The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,
and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for
him to see what a woman looks like after she has given
up shopping, hair appointments and wine.

I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store

I was like "You're not going to find what you're looking for"

The Tea Party

Mom went shopping, leaving Dad in charge of their daughter. Suzie was about 18 months old and loved playing with her new tea set. Dad was engrossed in the evening news when Suzie brought him a little cup of 'tea' (really just plain water).
He praised her good 'cooking,' so she brought him more. After several cups of 'tea,' and much praise, Mom came home.
"Honey, watch this," said Dad and had her wait in the living room as Suzie brought him another cup of tea.
"Isn't she just the cutest?"
Mom waited until he had polished off yet another cup of 'tea' before asking, "Did you ever think that the only place a baby can get water is the toilet?!"

Shopping with my wife

One time I was shopping with my wife when we saw a couple younger-looking women. I made the comment, "Gee, I bet you wish you still had legs like that, huh?" And she just lost her mind. It took me a good twenty minutes to get her to stop crying before I could wheel her out of there and up the ramp into the next store.

One of everything.

A man walks into a grocery store and grabs a shopping cart. He grabs one egg, one tomato, one head of lettuce, one steak, one banana, one apple, and one of everything else in the store.
He walks up to the counter and starts putting his items on the belt. After the cashier gives him a weird look, she says, "You must be single."
He says, "I am. How did you know?"
She says, "Because you're extremely ugly."

(Blonde joke I just remembered) A blonde and a brunette...

A blonde and a brunette are walking in a shopping mall and spot a man with really bad dandruff. He has a look of visible anger on his face as he passes the two girls. The brunette says "Wow, that guy could use some Head & Shoulders." The blonde says back "How do you give Shoulders?"

Once you've seen one shopping center...

you've seen the mall

A programmer went to go grocery shopping.

A programmer went to go grocery shopping. He called his wife and asked what was needed.
His wife said: "You need to get 2 loaves of bread. Oh, and also, if there's eggs, buy a dozen."
So he came home with a dozen loaves of bread.

A mid 30's guy is grocery shopping, and a 20 something blonde catches his eye.

She looks very familiar, but he can't remember where he met her. When they moved closer, she said to him, "Hi - I think you're the father of one of my children."
The guy freaks out. He says, "I've only cheated on my wife 3 times - in Vegas 5 years ago, in Orlando 4 years ago, and in Seattle 3 years ago. You look familiar, but I just can't remember. Who are you?"
She says, "I'm your son's Sunday school teacher."

Covid medical "experts" are such liars. They said masks and gloves were all you needed if you had to go shopping

But when I got to the store everyone else had clothes on.

Toilet brush

Whilst this is a joke, my nan actually told me this yesterday and insists it's a true story from the 60s when she lived in Cornwall...
So, my grandma was was walking down the street and her neighbour, let's call her Beverley, was heading towards her carrying her shopping but was walking kind of funny.
Naturally my Nan asked if everything was okay and if she's alright, had she hurt herself? No she said, I'm okay, I've just bought one of those new toilet brushes, but I think I'm going to switch back to paper

A man asks another "do you have a car?".

"Sorta", he replies.
"What do you mean?", asks the man.
"Well, it's my wife's car when she goes grocery shopping, it's my son's car when he goes to his girlfriend's, it's my daughter's car when she goes out at night and it's mine when it's out of gas!".

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart...

...'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
The husband says, 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'

A little boy walks into his parents' room

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

In a touching tribute to Joan Rivers, Target today announced that it would print funny little anecdotes on all of their shopping bags.

Just so plastic can make us laugh one more time.

It was Christmas day.....

and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.
"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened."

Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye.

The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: Dear, breakfast is made. I've gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!
He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there's breakfast. Joe, he says to his son, what happened last night?
You came home s**... and got that black eye tripping over a chair.
So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?
Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to t**... clothes, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!'

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and
so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look s**... and beautiful for you
when we're making love,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'

A little 3-year-old girl

was playing with her miniature tea set. Her father was in the living room and her mother was out shopping. The little girl came out to the living room and offered her father a cup of tea, which was in fact just water. He thought this was really cute, so she did it several more times. When the mother came home, the father had the mother stop and watch the little tea ritual, as her daughter brought the father another cup of tea (water) and he drank it. The mother said, Very nice. But has it occurred to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?

A man and his son were at the grocery store today...

They were using a cart that had a child-size car attached to the front with the kid inside. While I was shopping, I noticed the dad started hitting the cart into the wall, it was a pretty bizarre sight to see. Before I could intervene, the kid yells,
Kid: DAAAAAD, stop!!! What are you doing?! Stooop!
Kid: Daaaad?! We're not going anywhere! What are you doing?
The dad finally stops after a minute, looks his son straight in the eye and says, as a matter of fact,
Dad: "I don't know son, you're the one who's driving."
I've never laughed so hard while eavesdropping, dad jokes are great. Happy Saturday!

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket

The husband picks up a case of Fosters and puts it in their trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $40 for 24 cans' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $80 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts:
'So does 24 cans of Fosters, and it's half the price.'

Who says men don't remember?

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and so she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."
He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."

A multimillionaire goes to a psychologist

So, the multimillionaire is lying there on the couch, and he says, "I have this problem where I buy things. Big things, little things. It doesn't matter if it's a good deal or not. It doesn't matter whether or not I need it. It's the thrill of the purchase. In fact, yesterday I pulled out my wallet, and I bought an entire mall."
So the psychologist thinks for a little while, and finally says, "Then it sounds like you have a shopping complex."

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then, why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."

Dad, where's the thing for peeling potatoes?

She went shopping.

Took my dad shopping for some new shoes

He's 86 and found it quite tiring so we stopped for a coffee and a sandwich. While sitting there some teenagers sat at the table next to us.
One of them had a Mohican hairdo that was dyed all the colours of the rainbow and my dad wouldn't stop staring at him.
Eventually the boy got fed up of this and asked my dad sarcastically 'what is your problem old man haven't you ever done anything wild just for fun'
My dad, without missing a beat, replied
'I got drunk once in my 20's and had s**... with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son'

If people went shopping like they do in RPG games, shop owners would be rich

"I'll take 99 boxes of Tylenol, 99 tetanus shots, 99 vials of clear eyes, and what's in that little box over there? screw it -I'll take 99 of them as well."
"Very good sir, may I ask what you will be using these for?"
"Who says I'm gonna use them?"

A man and his wife are shopping together.

The man puts a case of beer in the cart and she says Put that back on the shelf!
So they continue shopping and the wife puts face cream in the cart and he asks What the h**... do you need that for? The wife says It makes me look pretty! The husband replies So does the beer and it's on sale for half price!

Wife: I'm going shopping, do you need anything?

Husband: I'm looking for inner-peace and happiness, an answer to my doubts, a sense of fulfilment, a medium through which I can transcend consciousness and reach true spirituality, calmness and...
Wife: Be specific; Smirnoff or Absolut?

Where is my wife

A young man and an old man bumped shopping carts at the grocery store.
Young man: I am sorry. I wasn't watching where I was going. I was looking for my wife.
Old man : Sorry. I was also looking for my wife.
Young man: Well maybe we can look together. My wife is 24. She is 5'2". She has short black hair. She is wearing a pink tube top and blue Jeans. What does your wife look like?
Old man: It doesn't matter. Lets look for yours.

Jim was out shopping with his young daughter and ran into an old college classmate.

"This is Beth," Jim said proudly, introducing his kid.
"And what's Beth short for?" The friend asked.
Puzzled, he replied,"Because she's only three!

You must be single.

A young woman was shopping at her local supermarket. She puts her items on the conveyer: A toothbrush, toothpaste, a half-gallon of 2% milk and a frozen pizza. The cashier calmly states, "You must be single." The woman looks at her items and back to the cashier, "Wow! How did you know that?" The cashier responds, "Because you you're ugly AF."

People admit to shopping for their girlfriends/wives all the time...

but when I do it I get busted for ~~prostitution~~ human trafficking.

This guy is shopping, see, and he approaches the clerk and asks him..

.."Excuse me, where is the Polish sausage?"
"Oh," says the clerk, "Are you Polish?"
"Whaat?" says the guy, indignantly."Are you serious? If I asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? If I asked for bagels, would you assume I was Jewish? Jeez!"
"No, I certainly would not. " said the clerk.
"Then why'd you ask if I was Polish?"
"Because, Sir," says the clerk, "This is Home Depot."

"That is him." I said to my wife in the shopping centre.

"That's Kenny Baker, the actor who played R2D2 in Star Wars."
"Are you sure?" she asked. "It doesn't look like him, go on over and ask."
A couple of minutes later I walked back over to her. "Well, what did he say?"
"Nothing." I said. "It's a rubbish bin."

A woman is shopping at a grocery store.

She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots. She goes to the checkout line.
"You must be single." the clerk says.
Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman says, "Yes I am. How could you tell?".
"Because you're ugly".

Ice cream

A penguin was having car trouble and decided to take it in to the shop. When the mechanic told him it would be a while he decided to walk around and do some shopping. After a bit he stopped off for an ice cream cone. Finally, he heads back to the auto shop. "Looks like you blew a seal." says the mechanic. "no" replied the penguin, "it's just a little ice cream."

Why did Achilles go shoe shopping?

Because heels are his only weakness

I entered a contest where the grand prize was a shopping center, but I lost

Can't win the mall

Shopping joke, I entered a contest where the grand prize was a shopping center, but I lost

jokes about shopping