Shoplifting Jokes

49 shoplifting jokes and hilarious shoplifting puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about shoplifting that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Shoplifting Short Jokes

Short shoplifting jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The shoplifting humour may include short theft jokes also.

  1. I almost got busted for shoplifting candy today... But I got out of it. I've got a couple of twix up my sleeve.
  2. In America, "five finger discount" means you're shoplifting In Saudi Arabia, "five finger discount" means you got caught shoplifting.
  3. I never thought I'd be shoplifting from a kitchen supply store But that's a whisk I'm willing to take
  4. Police are on the lookout for a shoplifting gang systematically stealing shirts according to size They're currently at large
  5. I shoplifted 23 cans of Pepsi from the store and got arrested, but the judge dropped the charge He knew i stole 23 cans of Pepsi, but he said that doesn't make a case.
  6. I always go shoplifting for chocolate bars using slight of hand. I certainly have a few Twix up my sleeve.
  7. What do you call it when you go to the store just to use their dumbbells and then leave? Shoplifting
  8. Judge: "Lady, you shoplifted a can of tomatoes, so I sentence you to four weeks in prison, one for each tomato." Lady's husband: "Your honour, don't forget she also stole a can of peas."
  9. Yesterday i went to the store for oversized boardgames I kind of wanted to shoplift something, but the risk was to big.
  10. I saw a woman busted for shoplifting at the DIY store today. She had a ladder in her stocking.

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Shoplifting One Liners

Which shoplifting one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with shoplifting? I can suggest the ones about stealing food and stealing money.

  1. I'm a pro at shoplifting candy bars. How, you ask? I got a few Twix up my sleeve.
  2. I was at the apple store the other day, and saw someone shoplifting. Now I'm an iWitness
  3. What do you call a shoplifter of pancakes? Crepetomaniac
  4. I just took a DNA test, turns out, I'm 100% going to jail for shoplifting.
  5. I got the award for Shoplifter of the Year, '22! I didn't win it.....
  6. I've always wanted to try shoplifting but then I realize I'm not strong enough.
  7. I just got a ladder in my tights. I truly am a talented shoplifter
  8. I have the Award for Shoplifter of the Year! I didn't win it...
  9. What did the man get for shoplifting a calender? 12 months
  10. Why do blondies get caught shoplifting? Because the box says "Open here".
  11. It's hard to explain puns to shoplifters. They always take things literally.
  12. Did you hear about the tornado who got arrested? They got him for shoplifting.
  13. What did the Iranians do after shoplifting? They-ran
  14. How did the goth girl get caught shoplifting? She had a barcode on her arm.
  15. I'm holding the trophy of the best shoplifter in the world I didn't win it

Shoplifting joke, I'm holding the trophy of the best shoplifter in the world

Amusing & Witty Shoplifting Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun

What funny jokes about shoplifting you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean robbing jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make shoplifting pranks.

A ghost was arrested

And placed in a holding cell with others as they await processing. The ghost turns to the man and asks "what did you get arrested for?"
"Shoplifting" he says, "how about you?"
The ghost smiles and says "possession".

A woman was caught shoplifting a can of peaches.

She was brought before the judge who asked, How many peach slices were in the can?
Six, she replied.
Ok, I'll give you six days.
Her husband, seated court, raised his hand and said, Your honor, she also stole a bag of rice.


"Great news, Mr. Oscarson," the psychiatrist reported. "After eighteen months of therapy, I can pronounce you finally and completely cured of your kleptomania. You'll never be trapped by the desire to steal again. "Gee, that's great, Doc," the patient replied."And just to prove it, I want you to stop by Sears on the way home and walk the length of the store.
You'll see - you'll feel no temptation to shoplift whatsoever. "Oh, Doctor, whatever can I do to thank you? "Well," suggested the psychiatrist, "if you DO have a relapse, I could use a new microwave. "

My barrister

You have to tell me the truth," my barrister said. "It doesn't matter to me if you're guilty or not, I just don't want to be surprised in court."
"Ok, I r**... and murdered those prostitutes." I admitted.
"Interesting, but can we get back to this shoplifting charge please?"

Don't believe everything you hear.

I went to the goose store the other day and asked if they had any deals. He said he wasn't sure but to feel free to take a gander. And now here I am, in jail, with my "shoplifted goose".

A women is in court for shoplifting a tin of peaches

The Judge says, you are a persistent offender, I've decided I'm going to make an example of you, I'm going to open a tin of peaches and for every peach I count, you will get a month in jail.
He counts 7 peaches, sentences her to 7 months inside and asks for her to be taken down.

As she walks past the gallery her husband, who is not happy with the sentence, shouts at the Judge "SHE HAD TWO TINS OF PEAS AS WELL"

My favorite wisk broke

I saw the same one at the store but I didnt have any money for it so I decided to steal it. I knew the repercussions of shoplifting, but it was just a wisk I was willing to take.

A woman gets called to court for shoplifting...

The judge asks, "So, you stole something from the grocery store?"
"Yes," the woman says.
"And what did you steal?"
"A can of peaches, Your Honor," the woman replies.
"And how many peaches were in the can?" the judge asks.
"Six," the woman replies.
"Alright. Then I think it is just your sentence be six days in jail," the judge declares.
"...Uh, Your Honor?" the woman's husband says.
"I think she stole a can of peas as well."

If you have s**... with a p**... while she's passed out, is it r**...?

Or shoplifting?

You're at the mall when a security guard comes up to you.

He (falsely) suspects you of attempted shoplifting.
You try to explain to him that you're not, but he thinks you're getting aggressive and trying to resist arrest.
He pulls out his taser.
What happens next may shock you...

A woman walks into a grocery store...

... she grabs a 2 liter bottle of coke zero and a big bag of sugar. she pays for the pop and leaves the store. she is later arrested fro shoplifting. when the police ask why she payed for the coke but not the sugar she said "well it said sugar free"

Did you hear about the man that bench pressed an entire supermarket?

He got arrested for shoplifting.

I can count the number of times I've been caught shoplifting on one hand.

Which is just as well, as I live in Saudi Arabia.

A man was arrested for stealing while standing on the shoulders of two vampires

He was charged with shoplifting on two counts

A man was in a court after being caught shoplifting a can of peaches.

The judge asked him, "How many peaches were in the can you stole?"
The man replied, "Five".
The judge gave him his sentence, "You will have five weeks in prison, one for each peach in the can".
The wife of the man, who was present in the court room, raised her hand and said, " Your Honour, he also stole a can of peas!"

Breaking News

Local police are seeking a shoplifter who attacked a store this lunch time but was tackled by a have-a-go shopkeep with his labelling gun.
Officers say they're seeking a man with a price on his head.
- RIP Ronnie Corbett.

Shoplifting joke, Breaking News