shopkeeper Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious shopkeeper stories

What are the best shopkeeper puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Shopkeeper? Well here is a complete list of the top shopkeeper jokes:

I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

You've given me one too many.

That one is a freebie.

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Methylated Spirit

A scruffy homeless man walks into a DIY store.

"Bottle of methylated spirit please."

"Look mate, no offense but I wasn't born yesterday. I can't sell that to you when I know you're just gonna drink it."

"Hey, what are you implying? This is ridiculous, I'm using it for woodwork!"

"All right, all right..." says the shopkeeper, taking a bottle of the shelf.

"Oh, haven't you got a cold one?"

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A guy walks up to the shopkeeper and asks for a Fender Strat, an Orange Amp and a Mooger Fooger pedal...

...the shop keeper says: "Are you a drummer?" and the guy responds: "Yeah how can you tell?"

The shop keeper responds: "This is a fish and chip shop mate."

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A tourist while passing a little shop noticed the name inscribed as A. Swindler- Proprietor upon its glass window.

Curious about the rather amusing name, the tourist went inside the store and asked the shopkeeper would it not be better to use the latter's first name instead of his initial.

The shopkeeper shook his head and said "My name is Adam".

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Elderly woman wants a pet to keep her company

so she goes to the pet store to get a new friend.

She tells the shopkeeper she would like something she can talk to and possibly bring to church with her, and he suggests a parrot.

She agrees and the next day brings the parrot to church with her.

In the middle of the service, the parrot squawks out, "Jesus CHRIST! It's HOT IN HERE!"

Mortified, she leaves and takes the parrot back to the store and tells the shopkeeper what happened.

He says "Oh, that's no big deal. If he ever does it again, you just pick him up, swing him around by the legs and put him back on his perch. He won't say it again."

The next week, the woman brings the parrot to church with her again, and sure enough, mid sermon the parrot shrieks, "Jesus CHRIST! It's HOT IN HERE!"

So the woman picks the bird up, swings him around and plants him back on the his perch.

"FUCKING WINDY, TOO!"

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Chinese guy enters a grocery shop...

A chinese guy enters a grocery shop and asks:

-- "Chunshun guashi Coca Cola"

The shopkeeper responded:

-- "A bottle of what?"

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A woman bought her husband an anniversary gift..

A woman goes to a pet shop to get a pet for her husband for their anniversary. The shopkeeper asks "Hi, what can I do for you?"

The woman explains she wants to buy her husband a pet for her anniversary. The shopkeeper says, "Well, I have this parrot that can speak pretty well"

The woman declines and asks "Well... what else do you have?"

"Well I have a dog who will get you the paper everyday." Explains the shopkeeper.

The woman says "No I dont think he would want to walk the dog everyday, what else?"

"In the back I have a frog that gives blowjobs" He says

The woman is pleased "That's perfect! I can get a good nights sleep without having to give him blowjobs at night"

So the woman gives the gift to her husband and explains what the frog can do. That night, the woman slept very well only to wake up in the middle of the night to hear pots and pans downstairs. She goes downstairs to see her husband pulling pots and pans from the cabinets.

"What on earth are you doing!?" She proclaims

To which her husband responds "If I can teach this thing to cook, you're out of here!"

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A man is walking down the street...

...on his way home and decides to surprise his wife with flowers. He sees a storefront with the window overflowing with flowers and stops in. "I'll have a dozen roses," he says. The shopkeeper calmly shakes his head and says "I'm sorry, we don't sell flowers. We actually do circumcisions". The incredulous man looks back over his shoulder at the display full of flowers and says, "What do you mean you don't sell flowers? Your window is FULL of flowers?!"
At this point, the shopkeeper becomes annoyed and responds, "Look buddy, what do you want me to put in the window...?"

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Alligator Shoes

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'


The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'


The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.


He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.


Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.


Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration . . .

"Sonofabitch!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

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Magic sandals

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

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Two explorers are lost in the desert...

...they're dying of thirst, and have been wandering for days. Finally, off in the far distance, they see a camp of beautiful tents. Hoping that it is not a mirage, they crawl desperately towards it. On arriving, they find that it's a market. They stagger up to the first tent they see, and say to the shopkeeper "Water, please! Water, we're dying of thirst!"

The shopkeeper says to them "I am sorry, my friends- I have no water. All I have is this bowl, full of jelly, sponge and custard, topped with cream and shaved chocolate."

Perplexed, but undeterred, the explorers stagger to the next stand, only to be met with the same answer. At all of the dozens of stands in this market, all they are offered are these bowls, not a drop of water to be had.

As they leave the market, one explorer says to the other "Well, that was very strange".

The second explorer replies: "Yes, it was a trifle bazaar".

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