Shopkeeper Jokes

Following is our collection of Shopkeeper funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include dirty puns, clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best Shopkeeper jokes

I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

You've given me one too many.

That one is a freebie.

A little girl walks into a pet shop

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper bends down to her level, smiling, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby, or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl leans forward and whispers, "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS...

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea.

He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop.

It read… MAIN ENTRANCE.

A shopkeeper was dismayed...

when a store opened next door with a huge sign that said, BEST DEALS! To make things worse, another store opened on the other side with a huge sign reading LOWEST PRICES! He nearly panicked until he had the idea to put up his own sign, bigger that the other two, that read, MAIN ENTRANCE.

A man walks into a hardware store

So my grandpa just told this joke, it goes something like this:

A man walks into a hardware store looking for some nails, the shopkeeper walks up to him and asks how long do you want them mate? , the man responds nah I wanna keep em

Not sure if this has been posted before but I thought it was funny :)

Wittle Wabbit

little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

The toilet brush

A man walks into a store looking for a toilet brush. The store owner shows him a variety of brushes at various pricepoints. The man thinks for a little while, then buys the cheapest one.

The next day the man is back at the store. "Were you unhappy with your purchase?" asks the shopkeeper. "We have other models that might work better."

The man agrees and buys a little more expensive one.

The next day the man is back yet again. The shopkeeper, visually puzzled on how a toilet brush can be such a big deal, asks "What's the matter, didn't like the new one either?"

"Well" replies the man. "To be honest it *was* pretty effective. But I gotta say, I prefer toilet paper!"

So there was a shopkeeper who didn't liked Chinese

One day a Chinese man came to him and asked:

-I want buy dog food.

-I won't sell you dog food unless you come with dog.

-But I not want to come to shop with a dog.

Later he came with his dog and got his dog food.

The next day he came again and said:

-I want buy cat food.

-I won't sell you cat food unless you come with a cat.

-But I not want to come to shop with cat.

Later he came with his cat and got his cat food.

The next day he came with a paper bag:

-Put hand inside.

-Why?

-Just put hand inside.

-OK.

-Warm?

-Yes.

-Soft?

-Yes.

-I want buy toilet paper.

Methylated Spirit

A scruffy homeless man walks into a DIY store.

"Bottle of methylated spirit please."

"Look mate, no offense but I wasn't born yesterday. I can't sell that to you when I know you're just gonna drink it."

"Hey, what are you implying? This is ridiculous, I'm using it for woodwork!"

"All right, all right..." says the shopkeeper, taking a bottle of the shelf.

"Oh, haven't you got a cold one?"

A lumberjack walks into a shop to buy a chainsaw...

The shopkeeper picks one out and says "this one can cut down 5 trees in 2 minutes". The lumberjack is impressed by this and buys the chainsaw. 2 days later, the lumberjack comes back to the shop with the chainsaw and asks for a refund.

"This is a complete rip-off, I only managed to cut down 1 tree over the space of an hour!"

The shopkeeper takes the chainsaw and turns it on only for the lumberjack to suddenly jump in surprise.

"What's that noise?"

Magic sandals

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

The one to your dumb friend...

A guy sees an ad on the window of a store with the words "Selling brains". Curious, he walks in and asks the shopkeeper what kind of brains he's selling.

Shopkeeper: "I've got Einstein's brain who won a Nobel Prize and discovered the Universe's secret equation. He was the world most brilhant physicist. I can sell it for 3k."

Guy: "What about that one?"

SK: " That's the brain of Galileu Galilei. He was the great astronomer who supported that the Earth revolves around the Sun. He was the father of modern science. It's worth 2k."

Guy: "And what about that one?"

SK: "That's the brain of [*random friend*] . It costs 20k."

Guy: "20k?!? That's a lot! Why is it worth that much?"

SK: "Well, it has never been used."

Two explorers are lost in the desert...

...they're dying of thirst, and have been wandering for days. Finally, off in the far distance, they see a camp of beautiful tents. Hoping that it is not a mirage, they crawl desperately towards it. On arriving, they find that it's a market. They stagger up to the first tent they see, and say to the shopkeeper "Water, please! Water, we're dying of thirst!"

The shopkeeper says to them "I am sorry, my friends- I have no water. All I have is this bowl, full of jelly, sponge and custard, topped with cream and shaved chocolate."

Perplexed, but undeterred, the explorers stagger to the next stand, only to be met with the same answer. At all of the dozens of stands in this market, all they are offered are these bowls, not a drop of water to be had.

As they leave the market, one explorer says to the other "Well, that was very strange".

The second explorer replies: "Yes, it was a trifle bazaar".

A man went to the card shop...

...and asked, "do you have any valentine cards saying 'you're my first and only love'?"
The shopkeeper said yes,
And the man replied, 'Great! give me five!"

Alligator Shoes

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'


The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'


The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.


He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.


Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.


Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration . . .

"Sonofabitch!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

A man is walking down the street...

...on his way home and decides to surprise his wife with flowers. He sees a storefront with the window overflowing with flowers and stops in. "I'll have a dozen roses," he says. The shopkeeper calmly shakes his head and says "I'm sorry, we don't sell flowers. We actually do circumcisions". The incredulous man looks back over his shoulder at the display full of flowers and says, "What do you mean you don't sell flowers? Your window is FULL of flowers?!"
At this point, the shopkeeper becomes annoyed and responds, "Look buddy, what do you want me to put in the window...?"

Blondes and alligator shoes

She desperately wanted a pair of beautiful alligator shoes.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.

Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration .....Son-of-a-bitch!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO !

Man walks into a fishmonger carrying a trout under his arm...

He asks the shopkeeper, Do you sell fish cakes?

Shopkeeper replies Of course!

Man says, Thank god, it's his birthday!

A blonde decides to buy a TV

She walks into a store and asks for a TV. The shopkeeper says "We don't sell to blondes."

She gets angry and dyes her hair black. Tomorrow she comes into the same shop, and asks for a TV. The shopkeeper says again, "We don't sell to blondes."

"How did you know I was blonde?"

"This is a microwave store."

My wife saw an ad in a window

Which said "tampons 50cents"
Is that true, she asked the shopkeeper...
Very true, he said...."no strings attached"

A blind guy walks into a store with a seeing-eye dog.

All of a sudden he grabs the dog by the tail and start spinning it around over his head. Horrified, a shopkeeper rushes over to him and says sir, sir are you OK?

The blind guy says sure, I'm just looking around.

A guy walks up to the shopkeeper and asks for a Fender Strat, an Orange Amp and a Mooger Fooger pedal...

...the shop keeper says: "Are you a drummer?" and the guy responds: "Yeah how can you tell?"

The shop keeper responds: "This is a fish and chip shop mate."

Business can be generated any how!

An advocate goes to a gift shop 7 days before Valentine's Day.


He bought 40 beautiful cards and wrote - "To my love !! I hope you recognize! Meet me in the evening, "I love you"
The shopkeeper asked: What is the matter?
So the lawyer said - I sent such cards to the nearby colony on the last Valentine's Day. In a few days, I got four cases of divorce.
This time I am sending 40 cards

I went into the pet shop and I said "I want to buy a wasp"

The shopkeeper said "We don't sell wasps" and I said "But you've got one in the window".

\~\~\~\~

So instead I bought a dozen bees. As I was paying for them I said "Here, I bought twelve bees but there's 13 in this jar" and he said "Yes, one of them's a freebee".

A woman wants to buy a pair of spectacles.

A woman walks into a shop and says," Doctor, I think I need a pair of spectacles! "

The shopkeeper replies," You certainly do ma'am! This is a grocery store.

Me: Can I get XL shirts here?

Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?

A duck goes to a green grocer

He asks ya got any grapes? The shopkeeper says no the duck asks ya got any grapes? The shopkeeper says no and the duck asks you got any grapes? The shopkeeper is very annoyed at him and says If you ask if I have any grapes one more time I'll nail your head to my counter! The duck asks ya got any nails? And the shopkeeper says no so the duck asks ya got any grapes

Terrible pun...

An elderly German couple that own a butcher shop are minding the store one day, selling all sorts of meats and sausages when in walks a man with a bird under his arm.
The shopkeeper asks the man if he can help him and the man says "Yes, I would like to trade this bird for a few of your famous sausages."
After haggling over quantity of sausages to bird ratio, the butcher agrees and he trades his remaining stock of sausages for the bird.
After locking the bird in the back room, the butcher's furious wife comes running up to him screaming "What have you done??"
She then realizes that due to his advanced age and diminishing mental capacity, he has taken a Tern for the Wurst.

A 70 year old woman walks into a sex shop...

..And asks the shopkeeper:

" -Do you happen to have any vibrators?"

" -Yes ma'am, they're on that shelf."

" -Mmmm, I think I'll take the red one."

" -It's the shelf above the fire extinguisher, ma'am."

I asked the shopkeeper if he thought I should be refunded for my faulty abacus

He told me not to count on it.

The Clock in the Window

A man was exploring some back streets in a city, when he saw a little shop with a clock in the window - which reminded him that his mantle clock was broken. So he returned home, got his clock, and returned to the shop.

He entered and put it on the counter, saying "Can you repair this?"
The shopkeeper, who was a small Jewish man, replied "I don't repair clocks - I'm a Mohel."

The man looked puzzled, until the shopkeeper explained that he performed circumcisions.

"Then why have you got a clock in your window?" he asked. The little man looked at him.
"So what would you put in the window?"

A woman went to a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.

Women: "It`s for my husband.
Shopkeeper: "Did he tell you what type should buy?"
Women: "Are you kidding? ,"He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him today!"

I was buying a map of an expensive brand.

When I was looking at the Middle East, I noticed that the countries were improperly named. I thought, maybe its a cheap copy of the brand and not actually from that brand?

So I went up to the shopkeeper, pointed at the improperly named countries in the middle east, and said "Is this fake?"

The shopkeeper replied by saying "No, no, Israel."

There's this shopkeeper named John...

His business is doing beautifully. One day, a heavenly voice calls out to him, "John, sell your shop."

He says, "What?"

"John. Sell your shop."

John, not going to question a heavenly voice calling out to him, does so for several hundred thousand dollars. Then, "John, go to Vegas."

John has no idea what this is leading to but goes to a casino in Vegas anyway. "Go to a Blackjack table." Ok. He goes to the nearest Blackjack table. "Put all of the shop's money on this next hand." John, confident in the voice, puts down all of his money in this next hand.

John is dealt a 19 with the dealer showing a 6. It looks good for John. Then, "Take a hit, John."

"But-"

"Take a hit, John."

John hits. An ace turns up. 20. John's going to win. "Take another hit."

John gets really nervous. "Take another hit." John takes the hit. He can't even bare to watch. The card comes down. He opens his eyes. 21.

The voice exclaims,"Un-fucking-believable!"

Russians Hate Coca Cola

A Russian walks into a store and demands,

-- "Give me a bottle of vodka and a bottle of Coca Cola."

After half an hour, the Russian returns and demands again,

-- "Give me a bottle of vodka and a bottle of Coca Cola."

After one hour, he comes back for a third time and says to the shopkeeper,

-- "Give me a bottle of vodka and a bottle of ... Sprite. It seems Coca Cola makes me sick!"

Woman stand in queue in Soviet Union for seven hours

When she go in - shop empty.
Woman: Oh - You have no fish?
Comrade shopkeeper: No, here is no meat. No fish - next door!

Shopkeeper receives flowers at the opening of his new store...

And the card says "Rest In Peace". So he calls up the florist, angry, and she says, "Sir, at least you weren't the one who got flowers at your wife's funeral that said, 'Congratulations on the new location.'"

I recently came into a large sum of money.

It was great until the shopkeeper said he wouldn't accept my sticky bills.

A tourist while passing a little shop noticed the name inscribed as A. Swindler- Proprietor upon its glass window.

Curious about the rather amusing name, the tourist went inside the store and asked the shopkeeper would it not be better to use the latter's first name instead of his initial.

The shopkeeper shook his head and said "My name is Adam".

A duck walks into a shop got any bread?

Shopkeeper says no .

Duck got any bread?
No

Got any bread?
No

Got any bread?
Shopkeeper: Listen duck, if you ask me once more for bread, I'll nail your beak to the floor .

Duck: Got any nails?
Shopkeeper No .

Duck Got any bread?

The Man Walks Into a Shop and Talks to the Shopkeeper:

- Good day sir, I need a random number generator, can you help me?
- 14

Communism in Romania.

A homeless child walks into a Romanian store that has relatively empty shelves. He asks the shopkeeper, "Excuse me, if you don't mind, do you have any bread you can spare for someone hungry?"

The shopkeeper responds, "Sorry man, in this store we don't have any cheese. Next door is where they don't have any bread."

A fella walks into a pet shop...

A fella walks into a pet shop and says: Give me a wasp. The shopkeeper replies: We don't sell wasps. He says: There's one in the window.

What did the Mexican shopkeeper say to the thief?

That's Nachos.

A man was shopping for a present for his daughter ....

He stumbled across a shop that makes customised, inflatable dolls.

He decided to purchase a simple doll and went over to the shopkeeper.

"D'you want a boy doll or a girl doll?" asked the shopkeeper.

"A girl please, it's for my daughter."

"Do you want the doll to be white or black?"

"White, thank you."

"Okay, and would you like the doll to be Christian or Muslim? Muslim costs a little more."

Startled, the man replied "What does religion have to do with a doll? And why does a Muslim one cost more?"

"Well", the shopkeeper replied, "The Muslim one blows itself up."

The Parrot

Every day, a woman walks by a pet store with a Parrot on a perch right outside the door, and as she walks by the parrot says, "Wow...you're ugly", or some other kind of insult about her looks.

She finally got tired of it and went in and told the owner, "Your parrot insults me every time I pass your store. I'm going away for two weeks and when I get back, if he insults me one more time I'm going to do something I may regret." The shopkeeper tells her..."I'm so sorry. I promise, he'll never insult you again"

Two weeks later, she's walking toward the shop all angry expecting the parrot to insult her...she gets close and they lock eyes...and the parrot says; "YOU know".

Man goes into a hardware store...

Says to the shopkeeper, "Can I have a roll of masking tape and some zip ties"

Shopkeeper smiles knowingly, "I'm sorry, thanks to the 50 Shades of Gray film we're out of stock"

The man winces and replies, "OK, just give me a chainsaw and some bin bags"

Translated Pakistani Joke: A man walks into a store and asks for a live chicken for a party

The store owner gives him a chicken, the man pays, and he leaves.

Sometime later, the man comes back with the chicken, furious.

The shopkeeper asks him, What's wrong with the chicken? Why have you brought it back to me so angry?

The man yells and says that one leg of the chicken is shorter than the other.

The shopkeeper replies, Are you eating the chicken or putting it on the dance floor?

A man walks into a Music Shop and asks for a Lute.

'Hi, I'm looking for a Lute, but it's a special one, very rare, exquisite Craftmanship by a company called Abso.' I said.

'I'm sorry' said the music shop man, 'I don't have any by Abso, but you should try the Sikh music shop down the road. They'll have them'.

'Why is that?' I asked.

'Only a Sikh deals in Abso Lutes' said the shopkeeper.

Potato Clocks.

Colin walks into the largest watch, clock and timepiece store in Dublin and after a bit of browsing, calls the shopkeeper over...

"Where d'ya keep your potato clocks?"

The shopkeeper laughs, "Potato clocks?! Are you messin' with me? I will tell you that we sell alarm clocks and grandfather clocks, and mantel clocks and hour-glasses, cuckoo clocks, sundials, and electric clocks and quartz clocks, digital clocks, solar clocks, and even Mickey Mouse clocks, but in all my years, I have never heard tell of a POTATO clock!"

Colin shakes his head and says, "I don't know...but after years of unemployment, I'm finally startin' a new job at nine tomorrow, and the wife says 'You'd better get a potato clock.'"

A man walks into a Swedish chemist shop.....

... and asks for some deodorant. The shopkeeper says 'ball or aerosol?' The man answers 'neither, I want it for my armpits.

Influencers' life

A twenty-something walks into a shop with a parrot on her shoulder, and begins recording herself in the floral, with fabrics mugging with product.
The shopkeeper is intrigued, and asks her where did you get that?
The parrot says Instagram! There's millions of them there!

The main character from the Mortal Kombat games walks into a shop

The shopkeeper asks him, "Can I help you find anything?"
And he says, "No thanks. I'm just Liu Kang."

I went to a lingerie shop to buy some underwear for my girlfriend

"Are these satin?" I asked.

"No," said the shopkeeper, "They're new."

A man enters the drum section of a music store..

Shopkeeper: "Sir, you can play here for a while, but then I've gotta ask you to beat it."

A man walks into a shop and says, "I'd like to buy a wasp".

The shopkeeper says, "We don't sell wasps".

To which the man replies,"Oh, you've got one in the window".

Cute little dog.

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.
He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
"Ouch," he says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"
The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog."

I went to buy a shed...

"Are you going to put it up yourself?" asked the shopkeeper.

No, I replied, I'm just going to put it in the garden.

A prostitute walks into a general store...

The shopkeeper says, "what can I do ya for?"

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes