Shopkeeper Jokes
67 shopkeeper jokes and hilarious shopkeeper puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about shopkeeper that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Shopkeeper Short Jokes
Short shopkeeper jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The shopkeeper humour may include short retailer jokes also.
- I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over. You've given me one too many.
That one is a freebie. - A blonde went to buy new shoes The shopkeeper told her the new shoes may feel a bit uncomfortable in the first couple of days.
She said : Alright I'll start wearing them on the third day. - When I was traveling in Japan, I asked a shopkeeper, "This apple is from Fukushima, isn't it?" "Why do you ask that?" Said the owner.
"Yeah, why do you ask that?" Said the apple. - A man went to the card shop... ...and asked, "do you have any valentine cards saying 'you're my first and only love'?"
The shopkeeper said yes,
And the man replied, 'Great! give me five!" - How much did the shopkeeper sell his dead batteries for? Nothing,they were free of charge.
- My wife saw an ad in a window Which said "tampons 50cents"
Is that true, she asked the shopkeeper...
Very true, he said...."no strings attached" - Me: Can I get XL shirts here? Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
- A musician walks in to a music store. "I'm looking for an instrument that goes *ding*." he says.
"*Ding*?" asks the confused shopkeeper.
The musician replies "You'll do fine." - I asked the shopkeeper if he thought I should be refunded for my faulty abacus He told me not to count on it.
- Woman stand in queue in Soviet Union for seven hours When she go in - shop empty.
Woman: Oh - You have no fish?
Comrade shopkeeper: No, here is no meat. No fish - next door!
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Shopkeeper One Liners
Which shopkeeper one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with shopkeeper? I can suggest the ones about store clerk and sales clerk.
- What did the Mexican shopkeeper say to the thief? That's Nachos.
- What was the shopkeepers sexuality Buysexual
- Why did Cher go nuclear when the shopkeeper didn't give her the receipt? Cher-No-Bill
- A p**... walks into a general store... The shopkeeper says, "what can I do ya for?"
Heartwarming Shopkeeper Jokes that Make You Laugh
What funny jokes about shopkeeper you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean business owner jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make shopkeeper pranks.
Johnny collected lots of money from trick or treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate.
"You should give that money to charity", said the shopkeeper.
"No, I'll buy the chocolate.
YOU give the money to charity!"
A tourist while passing a little shop noticed the name inscribed as A. Swindler- Proprietor upon its glass window.
Curious about the rather amusing name, the tourist went inside the store and asked the shopkeeper would it not be better to use the latter's first name instead of his initial.
The shopkeeper shook his head and said "My name is Adam".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Alligator Shoes
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.
Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration . . .
"s**...!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"
A guy walks up to the shopkeeper and asks for a Fender Strat, an Orange Amp and a Mooger Fooger pedal...
...the shop keeper says: "Are you a drummer?" and the guy responds: "Yeah how can you tell?"
The shop keeper responds: "This is a fish and chip shop mate."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two explorers are lost in the desert...
...they're dying of thirst, and have been wandering for days. Finally, off in the far distance, they see a camp of beautiful tents. Hoping that it is not a mirage, they crawl desperately towards it. On arriving, they find that it's a market. They stagger up to the first tent they see, and say to the shopkeeper "Water, please! Water, we're dying of thirst!"
The shopkeeper says to them "I am sorry, my friends- I have no water. All I have is this bowl, full of jelly, sponge and custard, topped with cream and s**... chocolate."
Perplexed, but undeterred, the explorers stagger to the next stand, only to be met with the same answer. At all of the dozens of stands in this market, all they are offered are these bowls, not a drop of water to be had.
As they leave the market, one explorer says to the other "Well, that was very strange".
The second explorer replies: "Yes, it was a trifle bazaar".
Methylated Spirit
A scruffy homeless man walks into a DIY store.
"Bottle of methylated spirit please."
"Look mate, no offense but I wasn't born yesterday. I can't sell that to you when I know you're just gonna drink it."
"Hey, what are you implying? This is ridiculous, I'm using it for woodwork!"
"All right, all right..." says the shopkeeper, taking a bottle of the shelf.
"Oh, haven't you got a cold one?"
A man is walking down the street...
...on his way home and decides to surprise his wife with flowers. He sees a storefront with the window overflowing with flowers and stops in. "I'll have a dozen roses," he says. The shopkeeper calmly shakes his head and says "I'm sorry, we don't sell flowers. We actually do circumcisions". The incredulous man looks back over his shoulder at the display full of flowers and says, "What do you mean you don't sell flowers? Your window is FULL of flowers?!"
At this point, the shopkeeper becomes annoyed and responds, "Look buddy, what do you want me to put in the window...?"
Wittle Wabbit
little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
Widdle wabbits
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits? "
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there? "
She in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit. "
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses."
Cute little dog.
A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.
He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
"Ouch," he says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"
The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Blondes and alligator shoes
She desperately wanted a pair of beautiful alligator shoes.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.
Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration .....s**...!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO !
Potato Clocks.
Colin walks into the largest watch, clock and timepiece store in Dublin and after a bit of browsing, calls the shopkeeper over...
"Where d'ya keep your potato clocks?"
The shopkeeper laughs, "Potato clocks?! Are you messin' with me? I will tell you that we sell alarm clocks and grandfather clocks, and mantel clocks and hour-glasses, cuckoo clocks, sundials, and electric clocks and quartz clocks, digital clocks, solar clocks, and even Mickey Mouse clocks, but in all my years, I have never heard tell of a POTATO clock!"
Colin shakes his head and says, "I don't know...but after years of unemployment, I'm finally startin' a new job at nine tomorrow, and the wife says 'You'd better get a potato clock.'"
Man goes into a hardware store...
Says to the shopkeeper, "Can I have a roll of masking tape and some zip ties"
Shopkeeper smiles knowingly, "I'm sorry, thanks to the 50 Shades of Gray film we're out of stock"
The man winces and replies, "OK, just give me a chainsaw and some bin bags"
A man enters the drum section of a music store..
Shopkeeper: "Sir, you can play here for a while, but then I've gotta ask you to beat it."
(OC) What did the auditors say to the South American shopkeeper?
Hello, I'm here to Peru-se your inventory.
A woman wants to buy a pair of spectacles.
A woman walks into a shop and says," Doctor, I think I need a pair of spectacles! "
The shopkeeper replies," You certainly do ma'am! This is a grocery store.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Shopkeeper receives flowers at the opening of his new store...
And the card says "Rest In Peace". So he calls up the florist, angry, and she says, "Sir, at least you weren't the one who got flowers at your wife's f**... that said, 'Congratulations on the new location.'"
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS...
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea.
He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop.
It read… MAIN ENTRANCE.
I was buying a map of an expensive brand.
When I was looking at the Middle East, I noticed that the countries were improperly named. I thought, maybe its a cheap copy of the brand and not actually from that brand?
So I went up to the shopkeeper, pointed at the improperly named countries in the middle east, and said "Is this fake?"
The shopkeeper replied by saying "No, no, Israel."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde decides to buy a TV
She walks into a store and asks for a TV. The shopkeeper says "We don't sell to blondes."
She gets angry and dyes her hair black. Tomorrow she comes into the same shop, and asks for a TV. The shopkeeper says again, "We don't sell to blondes."
"How did you know I was blonde?"
"This is a microwave store."
A precious little girl walks into a Pets Mart Shop and asks,
A precious little girl walks into a Pets Mart Shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit !!"
Communism in Romania.
A homeless child walks into a Romanian store that has relatively empty shelves. He asks the shopkeeper, "Excuse me, if you don't mind, do you have any bread you can spare for someone hungry?"
The shopkeeper responds, "Sorry man, in this store we don't have any cheese. Next door is where they don't have any bread."
A man walks into a store that has a broken neon sign
A man walks into a store and says,"hey, you should fix your neon sign out front, the letter E is burnt out".
The storekeeper replies, "I can't replace the letter, it would ruin the joke!"
"What joke?" Asks the man.
"Stop me if you've heard it before," says the shopkeep, "because it's an old E, but it's a good E."
The toilet brush
A man walks into a store looking for a toilet brush. The store owner shows him a variety of brushes at various pricepoints. The man thinks for a little while, then buys the cheapest one.
The next day the man is back at the store. "Were you unhappy with your purchase?" asks the shopkeeper. "We have other models that might work better."
The man agrees and buys a little more expensive one.
The next day the man is back yet again. The shopkeeper, visually puzzled on how a toilet brush can be such a big deal, asks "What's the matter, didn't like the new one either?"
"Well" replies the man. "To be honest it *was* pretty effective. But I gotta say, I prefer toilet paper!"
So there was a shopkeeper who didn't liked Chinese
One day a Chinese man came to him and asked:
-I want buy dog food.
-I won't sell you dog food unless you come with dog.
-But I not want to come to shop with a dog.
Later he came with his dog and got his dog food.
The next day he came again and said:
-I want buy cat food.
-I won't sell you cat food unless you come with a cat.
-But I not want to come to shop with cat.
Later he came with his cat and got his cat food.
The next day he came with a paper bag:
-Put hand inside.
-Why?
-Just put hand inside.
-OK.
-Warm?
-Yes.
-Soft?
-Yes.
-I want buy toilet paper.
A little girl walks into a pet shop
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper bends down to her level, smiling, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby, or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl leans forward and whispers, "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
Business can be generated any how!
An advocate goes to a gift shop 7 days before Valentine's Day.
He bought 40 beautiful cards and wrote - "To my love !! I hope you recognize! Meet me in the evening, "I love you"
The shopkeeper asked: What is the matter?
So the lawyer said - I sent such cards to the nearby colony on the last Valentine's Day. In a few days, I got four cases of divorce.
This time I am sending 40 cards
A fella walks into a pet shop...
A fella walks into a pet shop and says: Give me a wasp. The shopkeeper replies: We don't sell wasps. He says: There's one in the window.
Fat fashion designer has found a time machine
Thinking about how many opportunities of discovery await him, he went inside and clicked a button.
He soon found himself in ancient rome. He noticed all the plebs wearing cool ancient clothes so he quickly went to the nearest shopping centre.
Being fat himself, he asked the shopkeeper if they can sell him XL shirts. That question made the shopkeeper curious, thus he asked the designer:
\-Do you really want to purchase that many shirts?
A man walks into a hardware store
So my grandpa just told this joke, it goes something like this:
A man walks into a hardware store looking for some nails, the shopkeeper walks up to him and asks how long do you want them mate? , the man responds nah I wanna keep em
Not sure if this has been posted before but I thought it was funny :)
I went to buy a shed...
"Are you going to put it up yourself?" asked the shopkeeper.
No, I replied, I'm just going to put it in the garden.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An angry man walks in to a shop with a dog p**... in his hand
He shows it to the shopkeeper and yells "Look at what I almost stepped in just outside your shop door!"
The Man Walks Into a Shop and Talks to the Shopkeeper:
- Good day sir, I need a random number generator, can you help me?
- 14
That's my lunch box
Laboni is looking at almost all the designs of the shop while choosing shoes. The shoe showroom was completely destroyed. But I didn't like either one. At this time he noticed a different box -
Laboni: Show me that box , please. I will see the design inside it.
Shopkeeper: Please don't want to see that anymore!
Laboni: How is that? The customer wants to see.
Shopkeeper: Apa, that's my lunch box!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A duck walks into a shop got any bread?
Shopkeeper says no .
Duck got any bread?
No
Got any bread?
No
Got any bread?
Shopkeeper: Listen duck, if you ask me once more for bread, I'll nail your beak to the floor .
Duck: Got any nails?
Shopkeeper No .
Duck Got any bread?
Influencers' life
A twenty-something walks into a shop with a parrot on her shoulder, and begins recording herself in the floral, with fabrics mugging with product.
The shopkeeper is intrigued, and asks her where did you get that?
The parrot says Instagram! There's millions of them there!
Translated Pakistani Joke: A man walks into a store and asks for a live chicken for a party
The store owner gives him a chicken, the man pays, and he leaves.
Sometime later, the man comes back with the chicken, furious.
The shopkeeper asks him, What's wrong with the chicken? Why have you brought it back to me so angry?
The man yells and says that one leg of the chicken is shorter than the other.
The shopkeeper replies, Are you eating the chicken or putting it on the dance floor?
A man walks into a Music Shop and asks for a Lute.
'Hi, I'm looking for a Lute, but it's a special one, very rare, exquisite Craftmanship by a company called Abso.' I said.
'I'm sorry' said the music shop man, 'I don't have any by Abso, but you should try the Sikh music shop down the road. They'll have them'.
'Why is that?' I asked.
'Only a Sikh deals in Abso Lutes' said the shopkeeper.
A man enters an animal shop, and sees a parrot with ropes tied to each of it's legs...
The man asks the shopkeeper about the parrot and the shopkeeper replies:
- If you pull the right leg rope, he's gonna greet you in French, and if you pull the left leg rope, he'll greet you in German
- And what about, if i pull both simultaneously? - asks the man.
- Well, he...
Suddenly the parrot interrupts him:
- I will fall down, you idiot!
A nun is walking to church.
As she passes her local store, the shopkeeper says, "Wake up on the wrong side of the bed today, Sister?"
She finds it odd, but keeps walking. On her walk, three more people pass her and say, "Wake up on the wrong side of the bed today, Sister?"
Still baffled as she gets to the church, she walks to another nun at the pulpit and asks, "Why does everyone keep asking me if I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today?!"
The other nun looks down and says, "You're wearing the priest's shoes"
Breaking News
Local police are seeking a shoplifter who attacked a store this lunch time but was tackled by a have-a-go shopkeep with his labelling gun.
Officers say they're seeking a man with a price on his head.
- RIP Ronnie Corbett.
A young blonde, on vacation in Louisiana, wanted a pair of alligator shoes...
but was reluctant to pay high New Orleans prices.
She stomped out of the store and headed for the swamp.
Later, as the shopkeeper drove home, he spotted the blonde standing waist-deep in a bayou, shotgun in hand, with a huge alligator closing in.
She took aim and shot the creature between the eyes.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement as she struggled to haul the carcass onto an embankment where several other dead alligators were lined up.
Oh, no! the blonde shouted in dismay.
This one isn't wearing any shoes either!
A man goes into a pet store and demands an amazing pet for a very cheap price
The shop keeper says "I have a talking fox for only £20" the man exclaims " foxes can't talk!" While he's rambling on the fox puts his paw up on the desk and says "actually I can talk... I've written 3 books and I climbed up mount Everest for the 2nd time yesterday!" The man says "wow he's amazing, why are you selling him so cheap??" To which the shopkeeper replies "I just can't take the lies anymore..."
A cute little girl walks into a pet store and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"
She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit."
Once a man saved to buy his dream car.
The car was worth $10M. He worked hard around 16 hours a day just to buy car. After a year of hard work he finally saved exact $10M and went to showroom. There was raise in price of car. Now it cost $10M AND 50cents. He asked for discount but they told that cant be done. Then the guy went to the shop across.
There he asked for 50cents to buy car. The shopkeeper was amazed and looked that person top to bottom. He seems a decent guy. After a while He handed the 1$ bill to that guy and told , "Get 1 for me as well."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man from Florida is on vacation in France and looking for a souvenir
He decides to buy a shirt that he can show off when he golfs with his buddies back home, so he finds a golf store.
To his surprise, he finds a golf shirt with a picture of a gator on it! There's gator merchandise from France?? What a perfect shirt!
He checks the tag and it's 100 €! Incensed, he asks the shopkeeper "Hey, why the h**... does the tag on this shirt say 100 euro?"
The shopkeeper replies "Monsieur, that is Lacoste."
A woman went to buy a parrot from a pet shop
She found one for only £5. She took it to the shopkeeper, and asked if the price was right. The shopkeeper said "he's that price because he lived in a brothel for 3 years."
The woman thought that it would be fine, so bought the parrot.
When she got it home, the parrot looked around, saying things like:
"A chair, yes. Very fine very fine."
"A coffee machine. Very fine."
The woman's children walked in.
"Ah, children, very fine very fine."
The woman's husband walked in.
"Hello Keith"
Banana
A shopkeeper puts up a sign advertising a deal on bananas: one banana for $3 or three bananas for $10.
A man takes a look at the sign and notices that the bundle is a bad deal, so he decides to order one banana, then another banana, then one more, saving $1. Feeling smug, he asks the shopkeeper why she would have the three pack cost more. "Aren't you losing money?" He asked.
The shopkeeper responds, "you just paid $9 for three bananas, didn't you?"
A centipede walked into a shop and asked for a pair of shoes.
The shopkeeper looked at him and checked it was just the one pair that the centipede wanted.
The centipede laughed and assured the shopkeeper that yes, although one pair would be useless for himself, the shoes were a birthday gift for someone else and that he did indeed only want one pair.
The shopkeeper laughed too. "Who's the lucky person you're buying for?" he asked.
"The millipede", replied the centipede. "I don't like him."
