Shop Jokes
184 shop jokes and hilarious shop puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about shop that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking to add a little laughter to your shopping trips? Check out these funny jokes about chip shops, coffee shops, barber shops, body shops, pet shops, repair shops, charity shops, and pawn shops! Explore funny stories about shopkeepers and learn about the humorous side of making purchases at the mart.
Quick Jump To
- Short Shop Jokes
- Shop One Liners
- Pet Shop Jokes
- Coffee Shop Jokes
- Mechanic Shop Jokes
- Barber Shop Jokes
- Chip Shop Jokes
- More Shop Jokes
Funniest Shop Short Jokes
Short shop jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The shop humour may include short checkout jokes also.
- I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over. You've given me one too many.
That one is a freebie. - I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over.
You've given me one too many I said.
That one is a freebie - I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite. It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.
- I was shopping with my wife and I couldn't find her, until I saw a beautiful women. I ask her: I have lost my wife, can I talk to you?
She replies: Why?
I say: You will see in 20 seconds. - When I was a little kid, I thought "This little piggy went to market." meant it went shopping. It does not.
- They say never go food shopping when you're hungry but it's been over a week now and every day I just get hungrier.
- They say to never go shopping for food when you're hungry but it's been a week already and I keep getting hungrier and hungrier.
- Thieves broke into my shop and stole 15 cases of red bull I don't know how these people sleep at night
- My husband has been missing for six days now Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I went to the charity shop to get his clothes back - A woman ran screaming into the pro shop at the golf course... "I just got stung by a bee between the first and second hole!"
The guy at the counter said "Your stance is too wide".
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Shop One Liners
Which shop one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with shop? I can suggest the ones about purchase and sale.
- I saw an ad in a shop window, "TV for $5- Volume stuck on full" Couldn't turn it down.
- My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list. Now I can't read any of it.
- A bomb just went off in a paris cheese shop There is de brie everywhere!
- Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Eeeeee....
- If I ever move to Prague, I'll open a burrito shop. And call it Bohemian Wrap City.
- Where do sheep get their haircut? At the Bah-Bah-Shop
- I used to work in a pizza shop It didn't pay much but I kneaded the dough.
- Where do Siths do their shopping? At the Darth Mall
- Cheese shop exploded Thankfully I was only hit by da brie
- What do you call it when you're shopping for new eyebrows? Browsing.
- What do you call someone who's representing a bike shop? A spokesperson.
- Where does Senator Josh Hawley do his shopping? At the flee market.
- I had a butcher come into my shop and introduce me to his wife... He said, "Meet Patty".
- Shopping for antiques won't make you gay... ...but it will make you buy curios.
- What do little shops become at full moon? Werehouses
Pet Shop Jokes
Here is a list of funny pet shop jokes and even better pet shop puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A Man walks into a pet shop and asks the owner "Do you have any chameleons?" (Looks around) No idea mate.
- Not quite what she was expecting... Guy: I work with animals every day!
Girl: That's so sweet! Are you a vet or a pet shop own-
Guy: I'm a butcher. - Pet shop Have you got any kittens going cheap? Asked a customer in a pet shop.
No, sir, replied the owner. All our kittens go Meow. - Where did the guinea pig go when the pet shop exploded? Everywhere.
- I love going to pet shops. If I see an empty cage, I put a large pre prepared sign, saying "CHAMELEON".... (stand back and watch the fun.)
- Have you got any kittens going cheap? - the man asked in the pet shop. No sir. All our kittens go meow, replied the owner.
- I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
- I went in to a pet shop. I said, Can I buy a goldfish?
The guy said, Do you want an aquarium?
I said, "I don't care what astrological sign it is." - I walked into a pet shop and said, "Excuse me, do you have any blenders?" The man said "yes" and handed me a chameleon.
- I went to a pet shop to buy a goldfish today... The worker asked if I'd like an aquarium, but I told him "I don't care what starsign it is."
Coffee Shop Jokes
Here is a list of funny coffee shop jokes and even better coffee shop puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I stopped at a coffee shop in Glasgow When I approached the barista, I ordered a latte with oat milk.
Stunned and confused, the barista tells me, we cannae make a latte withoat milk - What does a Jew do at a coffee shop? Hebrew's coffee
- Why do you always burn your tongue on coffee from the new Hipster coffee shop? Because you were drinking it before it was cool.
- My Jewish friend is going to open a coffee shop. Suggested he name it Hebrew.
- What is the difference between a coffee shop and a brothel? My girlfriend never asks for a large black at the coffee shop.
- When born, Arnold Schwarzenegger got a job serving spaghetti for a local coffee shop. He was known as the pasta barista baby.
- I went to a coffee shop. They had some great looking cakes. I pointed to a cake and asked the waiter:
"Is this gluten free?"
He replied:
"No, it costs money!" - A hipster coffee shop would be a terrible idea. Everyone would burn their tongues because they would drink the coffee before it was cool.
- I was working at a coffee shop, and a priest asked if I have any whole milk I said "forgive me father, for I have skim"
- What do you get when you cross a Jew and a coffee shop? Hebrews
Mechanic Shop Jokes
Here is a list of funny mechanic shop jokes and even better mechanic shop puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- There used to be a mechanic shop in San Diego called Car Men Now we don't know where in the world it is
- A person walks into an auto shop and says I'd like a gas cap for my KIA.
The car mechanic thinks for a few moments says, OK, that seems like a fair trade. - Did you hear about the mechanic who had perfect pitch? He could always tell when a-flat rolled into the shop.
- If you go to a mechanics shop to get laid but get caught do you screw, nut, and bolt?
Barber Shop Jokes
Here is a list of funny barber shop jokes and even better barber shop puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A man walks into a psychic barber shop Barber: say no more
- A koala walks into a barber shop A koala walks into a barber shop and hops up into the chair. He points to the excess fur that has grown around his ears and asks the barber, "Can eucalyptus?"
- What did the bee go to the barber shop for? To get a buzz cut.
- A man walks in to Peters and Son barber shop He asks the barber, You Bob Peters?
No we just cut hair. - I've opened up a barber shop for rabbits I do hare cuts, only.
- I don't like going to the barber's shop anymore! He is always looking down on me.
- Walked into my barber's shop today and he said wow you really need a hair cut. I said no I need them all cut.
- What's a business name that could work with a barber shop, a taxidermist, and a deli? Cuts 'n Stuff
- Guy pops his head into a barber shop and asks bob peters here ? Barber says no sir we just cut hair
- Robocop lost his job on the Police force.. He's found new employment advertising for a barber shop
Shave now.. or there will be stubble
Chip Shop Jokes
Here is a list of funny chip shop jokes and even better chip shop puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Two priests decided to open a Fish and Chip shop... ... One was a Fish Friar, the other was a Chip Monk.
- There was a fight in a fish and chip shop! Two fish got battered ;).
- A man walks into a chip shop with a fish under his arm and asks "Do you have any fish cakes?" "No," replies the owner "we've sold out."
"That's a shame," says the man "it's his birthday." - When I was a kid you could walk into a shop with a quarter and come out with 2 cokes, 3 bags of chips and an Ice cream... Nowadays, CCTV everywhere.
- There was a fight in the fish & chip shop last night Two men were battered
- What do you call a seafood restaurant that generates its own power? A fission-chips shop.
- The fish and chip shop near me has gone into liquidation Now the owner is stuck between a rock and a hard plaice
- Did you hear about the fight in the fish and chip shop? The fish got battered
- A man walks into a fish and chip shop... "Nice plaice"
- Fish & Chips A man walked into a fish and chips shop run by two priests, but only one was out front. He asked, "Are you the fish friar?"
The man replied, "No, I'm the chip monk."
Great Shop Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends
What funny jokes about shop you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean seller jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make shop pranks.
One shop owner turns and asks another...
So, have you had any reactions yet to your ad that you're looking for a night guard?
He replied.
Yeah, we got robbed tonight.
Impact of a job change.
A taxi passenger touched the driver on shoulder to ask something
Driver screamed, lost control of the car, went up on the footpath & Stopped few centimeters from a shop
The driver said: "Don't ever do that again man! You scared me!"
Passenger apologized and said: "I didn't realize a little touch would scare you so much"
Driver replied: "Sorry, it's not your fault
Its my 1st day as a Cab driver...I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for last 25 yrs
Gambler
A guy walks into a butcher's shop and says "Sir, are you a gambling man?"
The butcher says "Why yes, as a matter of fact I am."
"Then I'll bet you $25 you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging over your head right there."
The butcher thinks for a moment and says "I'm sorry, I won't take that bet."
The guy says "But I thought you said you were a gambling man."
"I am. But the steaks are too high."
What does a shopping cart and a wheelchair have in common?
They both can be used to carry vegetables....
A blonde buys a gun.
A young blonde is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home early to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She pulls the gun from her purse and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
A penguin is having car trouble...
A penguin is having car trouble, so he stops by a mechanic's shop for some repairs. He tells him he will need about an hour to find out what's wrong. The penguin walks downtown and it's a hot day, so he stops to get some ice cream. He doesn't have any arms to eat the ice cream with, so he just sticks his beak right into it. The penguin returns to the shop and the mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies "Nah man, it's just ice cream."
I was hungover this morning so I phoned work and said to the boss...
.. "I'm afraid I won't be in today, my father had a massive heart attack and died last night."
"That was your last chance Dave," he said, "I'm taking the 'and son' off the shop sign."
I bought my dog a new toy...
...but after a few hours it stopped working. I took it back to the pet shop to see if they could fix it. The guy looked at it for a second and said "I'm sorry, sir, but the hamster is dead".
My car started making this whining noise...
So I took it to the shop and had the mechanic look over it. Turns out all he had to do was take the Taylor Swift album out.
Sorry if this was a repost, I took a quick browse and didn't see it anywhere.
Bunny
A little girl walks into a pet shop. She asks the owner for a bunny, to which he responds "what kind of bunny would you like? A cute black one, an adorable brown one or perhaps a sweet little white one?"
The girl looks at the owner and answers: "I don't think my python really cares..."
What happened?
A passerby saw a man laid flat on the sidewalk in front of the local beauty shop and ran to offer assistance. As the man came blinking into consciousness, the passerby asked, What happened?
The man rubbed the back of his head and said, I don't know! Last thing I remember, my wife was coming out of the salon there and I said, Well, at least they tried.
little Johnny
Was sitting in class doing maths problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "'Cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "But I like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now; If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop: one was l**... her cone, the second was biting the cone, and the third was s**... the cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one s**... the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."
Willpower
I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn, & a jumbo sausage. A poor, homeless man sat there and said 'I haven't eaten for two days.'
I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'
The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree.
The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"
The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"
Wittle Wabbit
little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
A man walks into a seafood shop carrying a trout under his arm.
"do you make fish cakes?"
"Yes we do" replies the fishmonger...
"Great" says the man, ït's his birthday"
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then...
... you dilly dally in the Dalai's deli daily.
A woman walks into a s**... shop
She tells the clerk she wants a s**... doll.
He says" First off, do you want a man or a woman?"
Sey replies "A man"
Then he asks " Black or white"
She replies "White"
Finally he asks "Christian or Muslum"
She asks" what's the difference?"
He says" Well the Muslum blows itself up"
A Polish joke
A Polish man named Wojciech was fed up with being called a dumb p**... by every one he met. So one day he decided to pretend to be German. Wearing Liederhosen, knee socks and a feathered cap, he walked into a shop and told the man behind the counter:
"Hello my name is Rolf and I would like to buy some schnitzel, some saurbraten, some pretzels and some beer."
The counterman said "Get outta here you dumb p**...!".
Wojciech cried, "No no no! I am German! Don't you see my Liederhosen? Why do you think I am Polish?"
The counterman says "This is a hardware store."
A Salmon under his arm
Man walks into a fish shop with a salmon under his arm and says to the fishmonger "You got any fishcakes mate?". The fishmonger replies "Course we do mate, it's a fish shop!". "GREAT" replies the man pointing to his salmon "It's his BIRTHDAY!"
A lady walks into a pet store...
She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO
The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway.
She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing.
Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New w**... in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off.
A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."
They're giving away Marshawn l**... jerseys at my local sports shop.
But I think I'll pass
Two l**... named Rachel walk in to a wedding cake shop...
To plan for their upcoming nuptials. After learning that the cake will be for their own wedding, the baker refuses service. Offended, the couple can't believe the guy is so opposed to gay marriage we won't even bake a cake. The baker replies, "No no I'm fine with gay marriage-- I just can't support inter-Rachel marriage."
Old Soviet Joke
Little Boy: What will Communism be like when perfected?
His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.
Little Boy: But what if there is a shortage of meat?
His Father: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."
A little girl walked into a pet shop and asked in the sweetest lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shop keeper's heart melted, he got down on his knees to her level, asking: "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like this cute widdle bwown wabbit over here?"
The little girl leaned forward and said: "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit."
Little Johnny
"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "Can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not."
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.' "
Terrifying Story
A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window. The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something." Taxi driver says "Not your fault Sir. It's my first day as a cab driver, I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years".
went to a temporary tatoo parlor
it wouldn't wash off so I went back to complain but the shop was gone.
Police report: There was a robbery in the s**... shop.
Judging by items that were stolen, perp was alone. Alone for a long time
A man walks into a gun shop.
He looks over the guns until the cashier asks what he wants. The man couldn't decide so the cashier asked, "what are you shooting?" The man said "cans". The cashier asked, "what kind of cans?" The man took a pause, than finally said "oh you know, Americans, Mexicans, Africans."
A lady at a tea shop
A lady went to a tea shop and ordered a cup of tea, she has a sip, and realizes that it was amazing! She asks the owner of the place, "wow! Your tea tastes great! Why is it so good?"
The owner replies "thanks! It's my specialtea!"
I was in a tailor.
I said to the guy, "I need something for a wedding."
"What's that?" he queried.
"A woman that really loves me." I wept, leaving the shop.
What do you call a s**... working at a repair shop?
High maintenance
Why do l**... shop at Sports Authority..
Because they hate d**...'s
A shopkeeper was dismayed...
when a store opened next door with a huge sign that said, BEST DEALS! To make things worse, another store opened on the other side with a huge sign reading LOWEST PRICES! He nearly panicked until he had the idea to put up his own sign, bigger that the other two, that read, MAIN ENTRANCE.
A jew in his deathbed...
A jew in his deathbed is surrounded by his family. He asks if the wife is there; she was. He asks if his son was there; he was. He asked if his daughter was there, and she was.
As he finds out everyone's there, he has a heart attack. His final words were:
-Why... is no one... in the shop...
What was the first thing h**... bought from the beauty shop?
Polish remover
I can't get over how cruel some people are.
I had some Nickelback tickets on the passenger seat of my car, and I popped into the shop for just five minutes.
When I came back, someone had smashed the window and left two more.
A Guy Walks Into A s**... Shop....
He asks for a blow up doll.
And the owner asks male or female?
He says male please.
The owner then asks white or black?
He says white please.
The owner finally asks American or Muslim?
The guy asks what's the difference??
The owner replies, the Muslim blows itself up.
A woman walks by a clothes shop, and spots a nice red dress in the window.
She goes inside to inquire:
Woman: Hi. I want to try on that red dress in the window.
Employee: Well, as you wish, but we have changing rooms too.
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS...
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea.
He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop.
It read… MAIN ENTRANCE.
An old woman walked into a s**... toy shop...
She wandered in the shop for a couple of minutes and finally she stopped and asked the vendor: How much is this one? He replied: Ma'am, that's a fire extinguisher.
A muslim man came into my shop and bought six smoke machines, so I phoned the police..
He's probably part of an extreme mist group
I went shopping with my wife today...
When I came across a group of women in short skirts.
I looked over to my wife and said "Ooh, I bet you wish you had legs like *those*"
She didn't say anything, but I could tell she was upset; I heard her sniffle as I wheeled her up the ramp into Waitrose.
Board Game Shop
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is 'die'.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it's die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop
"Can you make me one with everything?"
So I walked into a s**... shop the other day...
Me: I'm looking for a blow up doll
Manager: Great, we have plenty! What gender?
Me: I'd like a female.
Manager: Awesome, and would you like the doll to be Christian, Protestant, or Muslim?
Me: (confused) Why does the religion matter? What's the difference?
Manager: Well, there really is none between the Christian and Protestant. However, the Muslim will blow itself up.
Jim was lazy, but boy was he clever.
A difficult customer walked into the shop that Jim didn't want to deal with, so he grabbed a mop and pretended to clean up a mess.
The manager came over and asked him what he was doing. After telling him that he was cleaning, the manager said, "It doesn't look messy here."
To which Jim replied, "Why, thank you!"
A blond walks into a mechanic's shop.
She is concerned because her car has a lot of miles and nobody wants to buy it from her. The mechanic tells her that for a price, he can roll back the odometer. After she agrees, he does just that, telling her she can now sell her car. He blond says, "why would I do that? It has lower mileage now!"
I went to a brothel and met a p**...
I asked her what are the prices?
She said:
£20 for a h**...
£50 for a b**...
£80 for s**...
And for £120, i'll do anything!
Anything hmmm....
She's now fitting my downstairs bathroom and repainting my living room.
You can ge some real bargains if you shop around!
A guy goes to a cake shop and says:
- Can you please make me a cake that says "you are the only one for me"?
- Yes sir.
- Well, I'll order five of those.
I bought 6 cans of Sprite from the shop today..
But when I got home I realised I'd picked 7up
A black women named betty goes to a butcher shop.
Betty: Can I get a half pound of beef?
Butcher: No Black Betty, ham or lamb.
I went shopping with my wife.
Going down one of the aisles I noticed they had beer on sale $10 a case. I put it in the cart and she told me to put it back we couldn't afford it.
A couple aisles later she picks up a jar of face cream for 20 dollars.
I asked how come we can afford this and not the beer.
She said this makes my face pretty.
I said so will a case of beer for half the price.
My grandfather died at auschwitz
He had a heart attack after he saw the gift shop prices.
A Butcher is Selling Meat and Has One Chicken Left
A butcher is selling meat at his shop and is down to his last chicken.
A woman comes into the store and approaches the butcher. She asks the butcher for a chicken.
The butcher goes into the freezer and pulls out his only remaining chicken. He returns and puts it on the counter.
The woman takes a look at the chicken and asks the butcher if he has any larger chicken.
The butcher takes the chicken and puts it back in the freezer. He waits a minute, pulls the same chicken back out of the freezer, and returns. He puts it in front of the woman and says this is a bigger chicken.
Great! Says the woman, I'll take them both!
As I knelt down in the shoe shop with a pair of shoes in front of this s**... blonde, I couldn't resist a quick glance up her short skirt...
"Hey pervy!" she said. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts, isn't it?!"
"That's absolutely ridiculous!" I said. "I don't even work here!"
A little girl walks into a pet shop
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper bends down to her level, smiling, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby, or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl leans forward and whispers, "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
The wife has been missing for a week. Police said I should now prepare for the worst....
So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back....
A woman walks into a butcher shop
"How much for the pig's head?"
"Ma'am, that's a mirror"
An elderly woman with a shaky voice walks into a s**... shop and asks, "Do y-y-ooou-u s-s-sell vib-b-rat-ors?", the store worker told her "Yes we do, ma'am."
She replied, "H-h-how d-do I t-turn-n it off-ff?"
If I ever opened a car repair shop, I would call it "Auto-Correct".
Then I'd paint the floor with those red squiggly lines...
Without a mask on, I shopped at a store that had a strict mask policy.
Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :\_(
A penguin is driving to the mall...
All of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.
He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic.
The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?"
The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."
I tried to translate my German grandfathers' favorite joke
A woman walks past a pet shop. In front of the store there is a cage with a parrot, that suddenly starts talking to the woman: "You're ugly"
The woman quickly walks away.
At the next day the woman again walks past the shop and the parrot again says "You're ugly".
This time the woman goes in the shop and complains to the salesman.
The salesman apologizes and tells the parrot to not say this ever again.
The next day the woman again walks past the pet shop and is happy to see the parrot turned completely silent. Provokingly she slows down. Suddenly the parrot starts screeching:
"I'm not saying anything but you know it!"
A penguin is driving through the desert when his car breaks down.
AAA (Antarctic Automobile Assn) tows it to the garage in the nearest town, where the mechanic says he has time to look at it, give him half an hour.
The penguin wanders down the street to an ice cream shop and decides to beat the heat with a cone of his favorite flavor, vanilla. Of course, being a penguin, with flippers instead of hands, as well as a beak, he makes a huge mess and gets ice cream all over his face. h**... goes back to the garage, where the mechanic tells him "looks like you blew a seal."
"No," says the penguin. "That's just ice cream."
A taxi passenger
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me?"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, its not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a f**... van for the last 25 years."
I noticed a barista working alone in a small shop was still wearing a mask.
She said, "this is a coughy filter"
