The Best 94 Shop Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Shop jokes. There are some shop bookstore jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these shop pawn shop puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Shop Jokes and Puns

I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

You've given me one too many.

That one is a freebie.

Impact of a job change.

A taxi passenger touched the driver on shoulder to ask something

Driver screamed, lost control of the car, went up on the footpath & Stopped few centimeters from a shop

The driver said: "Don't ever do that again man! You scared me!"

Passenger apologized and said: "I didn't realize a little touch would scare you so much"

Driver replied: "Sorry, it's not your fault
Its my 1st day as a Cab driver...I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for last 25 yrs

Gambler

A guy walks into a butcher's shop and says "Sir, are you a gambling man?"
The butcher says "Why yes, as a matter of fact I am."
"Then I'll bet you $25 you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging over your head right there."
The butcher thinks for a moment and says "I'm sorry, I won't take that bet."
The guy says "But I thought you said you were a gambling man."
"I am. But the steaks are too high."

Shopping for antiques won't make you gay...

...but it will make you buy curios.

jokes about shop

What does a shopping cart and a wheelchair have in common?

They both can be used to carry vegetables....


A blonde buys a gun.

A young blonde is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home early to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She pulls the gun from her purse and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

If I ever move to Prague, I'll open a burrito shop.

And call it Bohemian Wrap City.

Shop joke, If I ever move to Prague, I'll open a burrito shop.

A penguin is having car trouble...

A penguin is having car trouble, so he stops by a mechanic's shop for some repairs. He tells him he will need about an hour to find out what's wrong. The penguin walks downtown and it's a hot day, so he stops to get some ice cream. He doesn't have any arms to eat the ice cream with, so he just sticks his beak right into it. The penguin returns to the shop and the mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies "Nah man, it's just ice cream."


I was hungover this morning so I phoned work and said to the boss...

.. "I'm afraid I won't be in today, my father had a massive heart attack and died last night."

"That was your last chance Dave," he said, "I'm taking the 'and son' off the shop sign."

I bought my dog a new toy...

...but after a few hours it stopped working. I took it back to the pet shop to see if they could fix it. The guy looked at it for a second and said "I'm sorry, sir, but the hamster is dead".

My car started making this whining noise...

So I took it to the shop and had the mechanic look over it. Turns out all he had to do was take the Taylor Swift album out.

Sorry if this was a repost, I took a quick browse and didn't see it anywhere.

You can explore shop mart reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean shop emporium dad jokes. There are also shop puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Bunny

A little girl walks into a pet shop. She asks the owner for a bunny, to which he responds "what kind of bunny would you like? A cute black one, an adorable brown one or perhaps a sweet little white one?"

The girl looks at the owner and answers: "I don't think my python really cares..."

What happened?

A passerby saw a man laid flat on the sidewalk in front of the local beauty shop and ran to offer assistance. As the man came blinking into consciousness, the passerby asked, What happened?

The man rubbed the back of his head and said, I don't know! Last thing I remember, my wife was coming out of the salon there and I said, Well, at least they tried.

little Johnny

Was sitting in class doing maths problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "'Cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now; If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop: one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone, and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."

The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree.

The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"

The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then...

... you dilly dally in the Dalai's deli daily.

Shop joke, If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then...

A woman walks into a sex shop

She tells the clerk she wants a sex doll.
He says" First off, do you want a man or a woman?"
Sey replies "A man"
Then he asks " Black or white"
She replies "White"
Finally he asks "Christian or Muslum"
She asks" what's the difference?"
He says" Well the Muslum blows itself up"

A lady walks into a pet store...

She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO
The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway.
She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing.
Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New whores in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off.
A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."

A bomb just went off in a paris cheese shop

There is de brie everywhere!


They're giving away Marshawn Lynch jerseys at my local sports shop.

But I think I'll pass

Two lesbians named Rachel walk in to a wedding cake shop...

To plan for their upcoming nuptials. After learning that the cake will be for their own wedding, the baker refuses service. Offended, the couple can't believe the guy is so opposed to gay marriage we won't even bake a cake. The baker replies, "No no I'm fine with gay marriage-- I just can't support inter-Rachel marriage."

Old Soviet Joke

Little Boy: What will Communism be like when perfected?

His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.

Little Boy: But what if there is a shortage of meat?

His Father: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."

A little girl walked into a pet shop and asked in the sweetest lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shop keeper's heart melted, he got down on his knees to her level, asking: "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like this cute widdle bwown wabbit over here?"
The little girl leaned forward and said: "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit."

Little Johnny

"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "Can you give me twenty dollars?"

"Certainly not."

"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."

His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"

"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.' "

Terrifying Story

A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window. The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something." Taxi driver says "Not your fault Sir. It's my first day as a cab driver, I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years".

went to a temporary tatoo parlor

it wouldn't wash off so I went back to complain but the shop was gone.

Shop joke, went to a temporary tatoo parlor

Police report: There was a robbery in the sex shop.

Judging by items that were stolen, perp was alone. Alone for a long time

A man walks into a gun shop.

He looks over the guns until the cashier asks what he wants. The man couldn't decide so the cashier asked, "what are you shooting?" The man said "cans". The cashier asked, "what kind of cans?" The man took a pause, than finally said "oh you know, Americans, Mexicans, Africans."

I was in a tailor.

I said to the guy, "I need something for a wedding."

"What's that?" he queried.

"A woman that really loves me." I wept, leaving the shop.


Why do lesbians shop at Sports Authority..

Because they hate Dick's

What do you call someone who's representing a bike shop?

A spokesperson.

A jew in his deathbed...

A jew in his deathbed is surrounded by his family. He asks if the wife is there; she was. He asks if his son was there; he was. He asked if his daughter was there, and she was.

As he finds out everyone's there, he has a heart attack. His final words were:
-Why... is no one... in the shop...

What was the first thing Hitler bought from the beauty shop?

Polish remover

I can't get over how cruel some people are.

I had some Nickelback tickets on the passenger seat of my car, and I popped into the shop for just five minutes.

When I came back, someone had smashed the window and left two more.


A woman walks by a clothes shop, and spots a nice red dress in the window.

She goes inside to inquire:

Woman: Hi. I want to try on that red dress in the window.

Employee: Well, as you wish, but we have changing rooms too.

Cheese shop exploded

Thankfully I was only hit by da brie

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS...

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea.

He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop.

It read… MAIN ENTRANCE.

I saw an ad in a shop window, "TV for $5- Volume stuck on full"

Couldn't turn it down.

A muslim man came into my shop and bought six smoke machines, so I phoned the police..

He's probably part of an extreme mist group

I went shopping with my wife today...

When I came across a group of women in short skirts.

I looked over to my wife and said "Ooh, I bet you wish you had legs like *those*"

She didn't say anything, but I could tell she was upset; I heard her sniffle as I wheeled her up the ramp into Waitrose.

Board Game Shop

Me: I want a dice.

Clerk: The correct term is 'die'.

Me: I want 2 die.

Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it's die.

Me: I want 2 die alone.

So I walked into a sex shop the other day...

Me: I'm looking for a blow up doll

Manager: Great, we have plenty! What gender?

Me: I'd like a female.

Manager: Awesome, and would you like the doll to be Christian, Protestant, or Muslim?

Me: (confused) Why does the religion matter? What's the difference?

Manager: Well, there really is none between the Christian and Protestant. However, the Muslim will blow itself up.

Jim was lazy, but boy was he clever.

A difficult customer walked into the shop that Jim didn't want to deal with, so he grabbed a mop and pretended to clean up a mess.

The manager came over and asked him what he was doing. After telling him that he was cleaning, the manager said, "It doesn't look messy here."

To which Jim replied, "Why, thank you!"

A blond walks into a mechanic's shop.

She is concerned because her car has a lot of miles and nobody wants to buy it from her. The mechanic tells her that for a price, he can roll back the odometer. After she agrees, he does just that, telling her she can now sell her car. He blond says, "why would I do that? It has lower mileage now!"

I went to a brothel and met a prostitute

I asked her what are the prices?
She said:

Β£20 for a hand job

Β£50 for a blow job

Β£80 for sex

And for Β£120, i'll do anything!

Anything hmmm....

She's now fitting my downstairs bathroom and repainting my living room.

You can ge some real bargains if you shop around!

A guy goes to a cake shop and says:

- Can you please make me a cake that says "you are the only one for me"?
- Yes sir.
- Well, I'll order five of those.

I bought 6 cans of Sprite from the shop today..

But when I got home I realised I'd picked 7up

They say to never go shopping for food when you're hungry

but it's been a week already and I keep getting hungrier and hungrier.

I went shopping with my wife.

Going down one of the aisles I noticed they had beer on sale $10 a case. I put it in the cart and she told me to put it back we couldn't afford it.

A couple aisles later she picks up a jar of face cream for 20 dollars.

I asked how come we can afford this and not the beer.

She said this makes my face pretty.

I said so will a case of beer for half the price.

A Butcher is Selling Meat and Has One Chicken Left

A butcher is selling meat at his shop and is down to his last chicken.

A woman comes into the store and approaches the butcher. She asks the butcher for a chicken.

The butcher goes into the freezer and pulls out his only remaining chicken. He returns and puts it on the counter.

The woman takes a look at the chicken and asks the butcher if he has any larger chicken.

The butcher takes the chicken and puts it back in the freezer. He waits a minute, pulls the same chicken back out of the freezer, and returns. He puts it in front of the woman and says this is a bigger chicken.

Great! Says the woman, I'll take them both!

As I knelt down in the shoe shop with a pair of shoes in front of this sexy blonde, I couldn't resist a quick glance up her short skirt...

"Hey pervy!" she said. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts, isn't it?!"

"That's absolutely ridiculous!" I said. "I don't even work here!"

A little girl walks into a pet shop

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper bends down to her level, smiling, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby, or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl leans forward and whispers, "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

The wife has been missing for a week. Police said I should now prepare for the worst....

So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back....

I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.

It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.

A woman walks into a butcher shop

"How much for the pig's head?"

"Ma'am, that's a mirror"

I was shopping with my wife and I couldn't find her, until I saw a beautiful women.

I ask her: I have lost my wife, can I talk to you?

She replies: Why?

I say: You will see in 20 seconds.

An elderly woman with a shaky voice walks into a sex shop and asks, "Do y-y-ooou-u s-s-sell vib-b-rat-ors?", the store worker told her "Yes we do, ma'am."

She replied, "H-h-how d-do I t-turn-n it off-ff?"

If I ever opened a car repair shop, I would call it "Auto-Correct".

Then I'd paint the floor with those red squiggly lines...

I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees

The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over.

You've given me one too many I said.

That one is a freebie

Without a mask on, I shopped at a store that had a strict mask policy.

Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :\_(

A penguin is driving to the mall...

All of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.

He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic.

The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?"

The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."

I tried to translate my German grandfathers' favorite joke

A woman walks past a pet shop. In front of the store there is a cage with a parrot, that suddenly starts talking to the woman: "You're ugly"
The woman quickly walks away.

At the next day the woman again walks past the shop and the parrot again says "You're ugly".
This time the woman goes in the shop and complains to the salesman.

The salesman apologizes and tells the parrot to not say this ever again.
The next day the woman again walks past the pet shop and is happy to see the parrot turned completely silent. Provokingly she slows down. Suddenly the parrot starts screeching:
"I'm not saying anything but you know it!"

A penguin is driving through the desert when his car breaks down.

AAA (Antarctic Automobile Assn) tows it to the garage in the nearest town, where the mechanic says he has time to look at it, give him half an hour.

The penguin wanders down the street to an ice cream shop and decides to beat the heat with a cone of his favorite flavor, vanilla. Of course, being a penguin, with flippers instead of hands, as well as a beak, he makes a huge mess and gets ice cream all over his face. Hoe goes back to the garage, where the mechanic tells him "looks like you blew a seal."

"No," says the penguin. "That's just ice cream."

Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50.

Eeeeee....

I had a butcher come into my shop and introduce me to his wife...

He said, "Meet Patty".

I noticed a barista working alone in a small shop was still wearing a mask.

She said, "this is a coughy filter"

The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called 'Sound of Wasps'.

When I got home and played it I realised it didn't sound anything like wasps!

Turns out I'd been playing the Bee side.

An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital.

An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital. His family comes to visit him as he his waking up from a deep sleep. He looks around the room in a daze and calls out to them.

"Padma, my beautiful wife, are you here"
"Yes I am here my husband", she says

"Kajol, my daughter, are you here"
"Yes I am here father", she says

"Suren, My son, are you here"
"Yes I am here father", he says

"Well, if all of you are here, then who is looking after the bloody shop" yells the father

The Mandalorian fell on hard times and had to take a job in a body building and health food shop. Turns out he was unexpectedly great at it and smashed the commission targets. He'd just direct people to the protein powder section, and say...

..."This is the whey"



(Sorry)

A woman ran screaming into the pro shop at the golf course...

"I just got stung by a bee between the first and second hole!"

The guy at the counter said "Your stance is too wide".

A guy asks a girl to the school dance

A guy asks a girl to go to a dance. SheΒ agrees, and he decides to rent a suit. TheΒ rental has a long line, so he waits andΒ waits, and finally he gets his suit.

HeΒ decides to buy flowers, so he goesΒ to the flower shop. The flower shopΒ has a long line, so he waits and waits, untilΒ he finally buys flowers.

He picks up the girlΒ and they go to the dance. There is a long lineΒ into the dance, so they wait and wait.

Finally,Β they get into the dance, and the guy offersΒ to get the girl a drink. She asks for punch,Β so he goes to the drink table, and there isΒ no punch line.

2 married ladies are having lunch in a coffee shop...

One lady whispers 'I'm getting a boob job'


2nd lady: 'That's nothing, I'm getting my assh\*le bleached'


1st lady says: 'Really? I can't imagine your husband as a blonde'

An 85 year old man wanted to spice up his marriage

He went to a lingerie shop to get a sexy lingerie for his 80 year old wife. He got an expensive one and went home.

Later that night he gave it to his wife and told her to put it on. She went to the bathroom to put it on and found out that it was too small for her. She thought He does not have a great eyesight. I will go naked and he would not even know . So she entered the bedroom naked.

Her husband looked at her, squinting his eyes and muttered, Well, for the price I paid, they should have atleast ironed it .

Once in ancient Athens a man walked into a tailor's shop

Eumenides? The man asked the tailor
Euripides? The tailor asked the man

A lady walks into the pro shop to complain about bee stings

A lady walks into the pro shop to complain about bee stings while she is golfing.

The pro asks: where'd you get stung?

Between the first and second hole , she answers.

The pro replied: your stance is too wide .

A man's printer started printing more and more faintly, so he called a local repair shop.

A friendly young man informed him, Well, you could bring it in for a cleaning, but we charge $50 for that, so you might be better off just reading the manual and trying the job yourself.

Pleasantly surprised by this candor, the man said, Thanks, son. Does your boss know that you discourage business?

Actually, it was my boss's idea, said the young employee. He says that if we let people try to fix things themselves first, we end up making even more money!

The guy at my local music shop asked me why I'm always coming in to buy new harmonicas

I told him "I blow right through them"

Argued with a shop assistant and she hit me with her labeling gun.

Now there's a price on my head.

Sadly that shop didn't have any small shiny discs either.

Sorry , said the cashier, we don't have any in stock.

A lady went into an embroidery shop to buy some fancy beads for her dress.

So she tried another shop down the road.

Like this joke, the shops were all out of sequins.

A vampire walks into a grocery shop and asks for a bread.

The clerk looks at him and asks: 'Aren't you a vampire?'
The vampire says: 'Yes, I am.'
To that the clerk responds: 'Oh, then I have much better stuff for you than bread. I have bloody sausages, nice fresh liver, duck blood, pork blood - whatever you want!'
The vampire replies: 'No, thank you, I want just the bread.'
The clerk asks: 'OK, but tell me - why the bread? I never imagined vampires like bread so much.'
The vampire looks at him, leans closer and says: "There is a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.'

I'm going to start a quidditch ball repair shop, staffed entirely with ex-cons from Azkaban.

It'll be called Snitches Get Stitches .

Got the whole ice cream shop with this one:

While I was out with the family getting ice cream, the crowded shop had one of those awkward moments where everyone randomly goes quiet all at the same time - just as the confectioner handed me my ice cream.

I proceeded to ask Where does someone learn to make ice cream this good?

Confectioner - I'm not sure… the morning crew makes the batches

Did they learn at sundae school???

I could not have been prouder with the chorus of groans and chuckles that rang throughout the shop.

I took a massive gamble and just sunk all my life savings into a Butcher shop on a blimp.

The steaks have never been higher!

My wife thought it would be fun if we each have a list of 3 people that would be OK to sleep with if given the chance.

**Her list:** Paul Rudd, Adam Levine, and Channing Tatum

**My list:** Her best friend Stephanie, that barista at our coffee shop, and my ex girlfriend

A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds

A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Terrified, they did so - thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

I stopped at a coffee shop in Glasgow

When I approached the barista, I ordered a latte with oat milk.

Stunned and confused, the barista tells me, we cannae make a latte withoat milk

A woman enters a chicken shop

The owner has sold all his chickens spare one. The woman asks him for his biggest chicken, so he hands her the only one and says, "That'll be $3.50."

The woman says "For that price, I need a bigger chicken."

The owner goes over to his freezer, places the chicken inside and acts as if he's searching for a bigger one, then takes out the same chicken. He shows it to the woman and says, "This one will be $4.50."

The woman says, "Okay I'll buy both."

A poorly translated Dutch joke: A family called "Vermeer" has a construction supply shop

Next to the front door they have a cross with Jesus hanging on it with the text "for two thousand years, Jesus has hanged here with nails of Vermeer."

Their shop was in The Veluwe, i.e. the Dutch Bible belt, so the local municipality got upset and told the family to change it.

So the family removed the cross and changed the text to "here jesus fell off the wall, with the nails of Vermeer this wouldn't have happened at all."

My husband has been missing for six days now

Police said to prepare for the worst.

So I went to the charity shop to get his clothes back

A man returns to work sporting a black eye after lunch

His coworker asked him if he got in a fight during his lunch break, and he says no, he was randomly punched by a guy after he asked him which food line he was standing in. The coworker asks if this happened in the line for the ramen shop, but he shakes his head and replies, "No, pho queue."

A man and his 5 year old son are out for a walk.

The kid stops next to an ice cream shop :
- Daddy , daddy can you buy me an ice cream?
- Sorry son but your mother only gave me enough money to buy 6 beers.

I went into a book shop once.

And I asked the salesman:,,Hey where's the self-help section?"

He said if he were to tell me that, it would defeat the purpose.

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.

One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, This is for washing our hair.

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. The curlers are on me. -

A man with two left feet goes into a shoe store...

...and asks the shop assistant: "Do you sell flip-flips?"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the shop coffee shop jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working shop fish and chip shop piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes