Shoot Jokes
127 shoot jokes and hilarious shoot puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about shoot that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Shoot Short Jokes
Short shoot jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The shoot humour may include short shot jokes also.
- Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings? Because it's always too soon.
^(i feel bad) - What's the difference between a computer and an American? An American doesn't have trouble-shooting.
- White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do. We do it in schools, because we have class.
- I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes... But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle
- The Somalian Olympics team has just apologised The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!
- Photographers are so violent. They'll frame you, shoot you, blow you up and then hang you.
- Why aren't color blind people allowed to join the police force? They wouldn't know who to shoot
- A Muslim guy killed 50 people in a mass shooting… Who says they can't integrate into American culture?
- Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics? because they practice at the best schools
- I don't understand why Obama has to give his speeches behind bullet proof glass. I mean, I know he's black and all, but I doubt he'll shoot anyone.
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Shoot One Liners
Which shoot one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with shoot? I can suggest the ones about shot put and bullet.
- I never understood school shooting jokes I guess they're aimed at a younger audience...
- Why are Americans so dumb? Because they shoot the ones that go to school
- Hey girl are you a school? Because I want to shoot kids inside you.
- What's the best part about summer in the U.S.? 3 months of no school shootings.
- What do you get when you shoot four bullets into a six pack? A Tupac...
- I never get school shooting jokes. Maybe they're aimed at a younger audience.
- A blind man had to shoot his dog... To this day, he still misses him
- How do you stop a Russian tank? Shoot the soldiers pushing it.
- Sadly, the marksman had to give up shooting. After that, his life was aimless.
- How do you stop a Russian tank? You shoot the two soldiers pushing it.
- Apparently there was a mass shooting at the Gap. There were a lot of casual tees.
- How do you stop a North Korean tank? Shoot the soldier pushing it.
- After 23 school shootings in 2018 We did it. We finally banned straws.
- How do you stop a russian tank from advancing? Shoot the soldier pushing it.
- I never get any of the school shooting jokes they must be aimed at a younger audience
Heartwarming Shoot Jokes that Make You Laugh
What funny jokes about shoot you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean shots fired jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make shoot pranks.
Little Tommy gets asked to stay after class...
so little boy tommy isnt very good at math so his teacher kindly asks him to stay after class so she can help him.He agrees and listens to the teacher as she gives an example.She starts off by saying that if there are 10 birds on a telephone pole and you shoot one off, how many are left? he quickly answers "none". she says "no tommy, there would be 9". he then looks at her and says "thats impossible, obviously if you shoot one off, they would all fly away". she tells him that she likes the way he thinks. he follows up by saying "can i ask you a question miss, if there are 3 ladies holding a lollipop, 1 s**... it, 1 l**... it, and 1 biting it...which one is married? the teacher quickly replies with "the one s**... it". he looks at her and says "no, the one with the ring on her finger, **but** i like the way you think
What's the difference between h**... and the cast of the jersey shore?
I wouldn't shoot h**....
My girlfriend is just like Bambi
She's cute, sweet, innocent, and I want to shoot her mother
An economist, a chaos theorist, and a statistician are trying to shoot a deer for dinner with a bow and arrow...
The economist assumes no wind, and misses five feet to the left. He hands over the bow to the chaos theorist, who overestimates the effect of the wind, and misses five feet to the right. The statistician pumps his fist in the air and exclaims: "We got him!".
Stalin, Kruschev, and Brezhnev are riding a train when it suddenly grinds to a halt.
Stalin says, "I know what to do. We shoot the conductor, the ticket collector, and ten passengers at random. Then the train will run again."
"No, I have a better idea," says Kruchev. "We tell everyone on the train that true communism is just around the corner! Then the train will run again."
"Tovarishi, you're trying too hard," Brezhnev cuts in. "We simply close the curtains, lean back and have a v**..., and *pretend* the train is running!"
A blonde buys a gun.
A young blonde is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home early to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She pulls the gun from her purse and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
An old lady was tired of her hard life and wanted to commit s**....
She decided the best way to die was to shoot herself through the heart, but she doesn't know where the heart is. So she called her doctor and asked.
The doctor told her the heart is located 2 inches below the left n**....
The old lady hung up and shot herself in her knee.
Two girls walking down the street when...
one sees her husband coming out of a floral shop with a bouquet of flowers. She says "Oh shoot, he's buying me flowers. I'll have to lay on my back for two days with my feet in the air. Her friend says "Would'nt it be easier to just buy a vase?
Blue Elephant
How do you kill a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a white elephant?
Choke it until it becomes blue and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for the day.
Give a man two prosthetic legs, and he'll shoot his girlfriend.
probably won't get him laid
A guy walks into a bar and starts pretending to shoot arrows to a few girls. One of those girls smiles and gets closer to talk: "Hey, I saw that you threw me an arrow." she said while winking at him.
"Yes, I guess I did." came his reply.
"Who are you?", she asked. "Cupid throwing love arrows?"
"No, I'm Legolas killing orcs"
What kind of tree would Hanna Montana be?
A 'Miley Cyprus'.
Dear god, shoot me.
My Favorite Stalin Joke
Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" Silence. "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?" No answer. "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too. "Well, who sneezed?" At last a sobbing cry resounds in the Congress Hall, "It was me! Me!" Stalin says,
"Bless you, Comrade!"
Ending It All
A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.
Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left n**....
The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
Police Lineup
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect, who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. Detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot."
One of them, when it was his turn, shouted, "That's not what I said!"
An RAF vet is giving a talk about the war...
An RAF veteran is giving a talk to a class of school children, and was trying to explain what a typical mission would be like.
"So there I was, escorting the b**... to their target, when out of the blue we were attacked by a bunch of Fokkers. There were about 20 of these Fokkers. One took out my buddy, but I managed to shoot the Fokker down. Then one was on my tail and I coukdn't shake the Fokker, but my pal took care of him. Then I took out two more of the Fokkers..."
The teacher interupts "Children I should explain, the Fokker was a type of figher airplane used by the German Air Force to stop the RAF b**... and their escorts."
"Yes, but these Fokkers were Messerschmitts!"
Three boys are bragging about whose dad is the fastest runner...
The first says "My dad is a hunter. He can shoot an arrow, run to where it's gonna land and catch it!"
"That's nothing!" says the second boy "My dad's a police officer. He can shoot a bullet and be at the target before the bullet hits!"
"My dad can run the fastest!" says the third boy. "He's a civil servant. He works till 4 and is always home by 3:30!"
A Card
Man, am I scared! confided p**... to Seamus, looking furtively around the pub. I just got a card from a guy saying that he would shoot me if I did not stay away from his wife.
Well, stay away from his wife, advised Seamus, and you have got no problem.
How can I? moaned p**..., he did not sign his name.
When Obama made his inaugural speech, they put him behind bulletproof glass.
And that's proof of the racism that still exists in America today. I mean, just because he's black, doesn't mean he was going to go and shoot everybody.
A little Johnny...
One day in math class little Johnny's teacher asked him to look out the window, where three birds were sitting on a fence. She then asks "Johnny, if I shoot one of those birds how many are left?" Johnny replies "None, they would all have flown away when they heard the gun shot." The teacher smiles and says "The correct answer was two, but I like the way you think."
Johnny looks at the teacher and says "I have a question for you." "There are three women in an ice cream shop and they all have an ice cream cone, one is l**... it, one is biting it, and one is s**... it, which one is married?" The teach thinks about it a bit and says "The one s**... it." Johnny looks at her and say "The right answer was the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."
Interruption of the speech of Comrade Stalin
Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes.
"Who sneezed?" (Silence.)
"First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Applause.)
"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Long, loud applause.)
"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) ...
A dejected voice in the back: "It was me" (Sobs.)
Stalin leans forward: "Bless you, comrade!"
Thanks to allrussias for glorious joke!
Judgement day
Peter is on trial. He's on trial because he shot his wife when he caught her in bed with another guy.
The judge wants to know; "why did you shoot your wife?".
"Well, " Peter replies, "it seemed easier to shoot her once, than to shoot a different guy every week".
I couldn't bring myself to shoot my own turkey for thanksgiving
... So I dressed one up in baggy sweat pants and gave it a bag of skittles and a cop shot it for me
Stalin appears in Putin's dream...
Stalin's ghost appears to Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country.
Stalin says "Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue."
"Why blue?" Putin asks.
"Ha!" says Stalin. "I knew you wouldn't ask me about the first part."
Did you hear about the 80 year old woman that tried to kill herself?
She was told that the most effective way would be to shoot herself through the heart, just below her left breast... She woke up in hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
How do you stop a Mexican tank?
You shoot the people pushing it.
A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.
Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job.
Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."
Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"
Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"
SC shooting suspect Dylan Roof has been apprehended.
He was charged with impersonating a police officer.
A masked man goes into a s**... bank.
A masked man goes into a s**... bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says,
Open the safe.
She says, This isn't a real bank; it's a s**... bank.
He says, Open the safe or I'll shoot.
She opens the safe, and he says, Now take one of the bottles and drink it.
After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realizes the robber is
her husband.
He says, Now you see? It's not so difficult, is it?
Why are Americans so bad at playing Billiard?
Because they always shoot the black ones first...
Why can't americans play pool billard?
They always shoot the black ones first.
^^^^sorry...
What should you do if there is a b**... at night?
Call the police, they'll come and shoot it.
3 men are lined up for the firing squad...
...and they will be shot in public. The first guy, not willing to die, thought of a great way to trick the squad. Just as the guns were raised to shoot him, the guy pointed behind the squad and shouted, "Avalanche!" The firing squad was tricked, and as they looked behind them, the guy ran away. The second guy decided to try the same trick himself. So as the guns were raised again, he pointed behind the squad, shouting, "Flood!" Again, the squad fell for it, and as they looked behind them, the second guy ran away. The third guy was utterly impressed by what the first two guys did to save themselves, so he decided to try out the trick himself. As the guns were raised once more to shoot him, the third guy shouted out, **"Fire!"**
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.
Old one I've never seen on here
This joke was in a book I had as a young child, probably from the 70s or 80s. It's so ridiculous, I remember it to this day.
Q: How do you kill a blue elephant?
A: Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you kill a white elephant?
A: Hold its nose until it turns blue and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just shoot the room for being dark.
o**... Bin Laden, Josef Stalin and h**... are robbing a bank, who do the cops shoot first?
A black guy
Why can't a feminist shoot a gun?
They can't handle the triggers.
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?
They don't, they just shoot the room for being black.
Why are rubber tires black?
So the police know what to shoot at during a chase
What do you get when you shoot a Mexican golfer?
A hole in Juan
I have a gun by my bed.
So in the event of an intruder, I can shoot myself to avoid having to interact with a human being.
A joke from WWII
A German soldier is talking to a Swiss soldier:
"How many soldiers could Switzerland mobilize if we were to invade?"
"Half a million within two days."
"And if we invade with a million troops?"
"We shoot twice and go home."
The Joker is in a room with Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, and has a gun with one bullet, who does he shoot?
Neither. Some men just want to watch the world burn.
A cop is confronted by a white guy with a gun and a black guy with a nerf bat. Who does he shoot first?
The bystander with the camera.
What happens when you shoot a black man?
You go to jail for impersonating a police officer...
When Barack Obama gives his speech, he stands behind a bulletproof glass.
That shows how racist America still is.
Just because he's black, doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone
Thanks Frankie Boyle
I'm in a room with Trump, Hillary and a gun and I'm allowed to legally shoot one of them. Whoever lives becomes president. Who do I shoot?
Myself.
Shooting guns is a s**... hobby.
Its much easier and more cost efficient to shoot targets!
A man applies for a job with the local police.
The officer says, "This is the best résumé I've ever seen! There's just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot eight black guys and a cat."
Guy replies "Why the cat?"
Officer says "Great attitude, you're hired!"
Two refugees are waiting in line to get into the US...
Two refugees are waiting in line to get into the US, one says "screw this line, I'm going to shoot Trump". He leaves for a while and then comes back to resume his place in line. The other guy says "so, did you do it?" He says "no, the line there was even longer than this one."
I don't see why Obama gave all his speeches behind bulletproof glass..
I know he's black and all but I doubt he'd actually shoot anyone.
How come american cops always lose at pool?
Because they always shoot down the black one first.
As an aspiring actor, I was somewhat surprised when I got detained by airport security today...
All I said was that I was in town to shoot a pilot...
two foreigners in america are applying for citizenship
They're lined up outside the Citizenship and immigration office, along with many others, not wanting to risk deportation now that Trump is in office.
>Guy #1: I've had enough of this waiting, save my place, I'm going to shoot Donald Trump myself.
several hours later he returns.
>Guy #2: well? did you get him?
>Guy #1: no, The line for that was even longer than the one here.
What resolution does a racist shoot his videos in?
3K
The fact that president Obama needs four inches of bullet proof glass at every public speaking event, is proof that racism is still alive
Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot everyone.
How many LAPD officers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They shoot the room for being black and beat up the bulb for being broke.
I really thought Activision understood that we're sick of modern-day shooters.
And yet in the new Call of Duty they're giving us n**... to shoot again.
johnny in the math class
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is l**... her ice cream, one is s**... her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one s**... her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
A man applies for a job as a police officer.
The officer says: Alright, one more thing. Take this gun and go shoot 7 black men and a squirrel.
The man replies: Why the squirrel?
The officer says: I love your attitude, you got the job!
Are you a school?
Cause I wanna shoot kids inside you
A husband hires a hitman to kill his wife of 40 years
Hitman: I will shoot her just below her left breast.
Husband: How is shooting her in the knee going to kill her?
What happens when you shoot Napoleon with a cannon?
He becomes Napoleon Blownaparte.
By all means shoot for the stars
Just aim for their bodyguards first
Why would Donald Trump run into an active school shooting, even if unarmed?
Because he knows one of his supporters would never shoot him
What's the difference between a short sighted marksman and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit..
A guy applies for a job with the Chicago Police Department
He has an impressive resume, gives the best answers to the interview questions, and is very enthusiastic about the job.
"Your qualifications are impressive" says the police chief. "Here's the final test. Take this gun, go out, and shoot ten black guys and a clown?"
The man asks, "why the clown?"
The police chief replies, "Fantastic attitude, you're hired!"
Old Romanian Joke: How do you stop an Albanian Tank?
You shoot the guy pushing it.
s**... is like basketball
You dribble a little before you shoot.
I always keep a gun on my night stand in case of an intruder
so I can shoot myself instead of meeting new people
A man saw this very pretty lady and decided to shoot his shot.
Man: "Ma'am, would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?"
Woman: "My goodness, I suppose so, shall we discuss the terms?"
Man: "How about ten dollars?"
Woman: "What kind of woman do you take me for?"
Man: "Ma'am, we've already established that. We are now just haggling about the price."
