The Best 91 Shooting Jokes

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

I never understood school shooting jokes

I guess they're aimed at a younger audience...

Arrows & Targets

A boy gets a bow & arrow for his 10th birthday. He walks outside and starts shooting his arrows. Later his father walks in on him and exclaims, "Wow each of these arrows landed in a target great job! Lets go out for ice cream!" So his father and he go out for the ice cream after it's finished his father asks, "how did you do it?" Then the son says, "It wasn't hard. I just shot arrows and drew circles around them."

Somalis at the Olympics...

The Somalian Olympic Committee issued an official apology earlier in the week, after realising that sailing and shooting are separate events.

The Expendables 2 Review:

I haven't seen that much shooting in a movie since I went to watch The Dark Knight Rises.

What does a church shooting sound like?

Pew! Pew!

What did the man say when he couldn't get the gun to fire?

"Looks like I'm gonna have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual."

there has been a shooting at the Westboro Baptist church...

police report 3 dozen cheerful bystanders, yet nobody claims to have seen who did it.

So a guy walks into a bar...

and says to the bartender "Give me 12 shots of your most expensive Tequila!" The bartender pours the shots and lines them up. The guy starts shooting them back wicked fast, one right after another. The bartender says in shock "Why are you drinking those so fast?!" The guy stops long enough to get out a few words "you would drink these fast too, if you had what I have" Confused, the bartender asks "why? what do you have?"
The guy says "About four dollars"

I love watching kids running in the park...

They have no idea I'm shooting blanks

What's the difference between Ann Coulter and shooting arrows at lovers?

Shooting arrows at lovers is a Cupid stunt.

Wheres the best place to hide after shooting a black guy?

behind a badge

Never been to the blindfold shooting range?

You don't know what you're missing.

SC shooting suspect Dylan Roof has been apprehended.

He was charged with impersonating a police officer.

TIFU by starting a World War after accidently shooting a British submarine.

Oops, wrong sub.

What's the difference between a shooting range and an American college?

About thirty thousand dollars a year.

A man walks into a gun shop.

He looks over the guns until the cashier asks what he wants. The man couldn't decide so the cashier asked, "what are you shooting?" The man said "cans". The cashier asked, "what kind of cans?" The man took a pause, than finally said "oh you know, Americans, Mexicans, Africans."

If you're in an indoor shooting range and it starts burning down, what do you yell to warn everyone ?

Well done Turkey on shooting down a Russian warplane.

Now proceed to level two where you have to destroy fifty Russian warplanes and fight off an invading ground force.

Why do people prefer shooting stars to vegetables?

Because they're meteor

I want to make a school shooting joke, but that might seem offensive.

I think I should aim for a younger crowd.

Three statisticians go out hunting together...

After a while they spot a solitary rabbit. The first statistician takes aim and ends up shooting too far to the left of the rabbit. The second aims, misses, and shoots too far to the right. The third shouts out "We got him!"

An old woman wants to commit suicide...

...by shooting herself in the heart, but she doesn't really know where the heart is.

She goes to the local doctor and asks;

"Doctor, can you please tell me where the heart is?"

"Oh, it's just below your left breast."

So the old woman walked home and shot herself in the knee.

A white man was arrested after shooting a black man on the street.

He was charged with impersonating a police officer.

Apparently there was a mass shooting at the Gap.

There were a lot of casual tees.

There was a mass shooting at the Gap store this afternoon.

They're still counting the casual Tees.

The US won gold in shooting

They have good schools for it

Why are Americans so good at shooting?

They have the best schools for it.

The Somalian Olympics team has just apologised

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!

What's worse than beating a dead horse?

Shooting a live gorilla

There was a shooting at the Apple store last night.

There were no iWitnesses.

Shooting guns is a stupid hobby.

Its much easier and more cost efficient to shoot targets!

Two rednecks are admiring their firearms.

One says, I keep these around for hunting, home protection, and to defend my 2nd amendment rights. The second says, I just like shooting cans.

That's a lot of firepower just for shooting cans.

Well, there's so many of them: Mexi-cans, Afri-cans, Puerto Ri-cans...

I got told off for masturbating at the gun range.

We had very different interpretations of shooting from the hip.

Do you ever get a shooting pain through your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they are stabbing it?

No?

How about now?

Now?

An Australian man living by the cliff has prevent over 150 suicides, during the 50 years he has lived there...

... by shooting them himself.

Police Shooting

A lady was filling up the gas tank in her car and lit a cigarette to pass the time. After which a piece of ash fell onto her arm and started a fire. As she's flailing about trying to put the fire out, a police cruiser pulls into the station. Instinctively, she starts running towards the officer in an effort to get help. The police officer sees the lady running at him and shoots her, killing her

I guess you shouldn't run towards police officers if you have a firearm

I was woken up at 5am by a crow...

It just wouldn't stop cawing. After an hour I felt like shooting the damned thing! Then another crow joined it and they started to have a jolly old conversation. I wanted to blow both their heads off! One more crow and there definitely would've been a murder.

I recently Learned that it's politically incorrect to talk about taking part in a school shooting.

Apparently the term 'School photos' is more acceptable.

I think Americans are right to worry about immigrants

Because they might commit a mass shooting just to fit in with the culture.

We get it Mr. Trump, you have bulletproof shoes.

....That doesn't mean you should keep shooting yourself in the foot.

Did you hear about the shooting at Helen Keller's house?

She didn't either.

My friend got arrested for shooting an unarmed black teen

He was charged for impersonating a police officer.

A telecoms engineer joins the army...

On the shooting range the Sergeant shows him the distant target and tells him to fire six rounds, which he does. The Sarge walks all the way to the target and shouts back "You haven't hit it at all!" The telecoms guy puts his finger over the end of the barrel, pulls the trigger and blows his finger clean off and shouts back:- "It's leaving here ok - the problem must be at your end!"

Whenever anybody says they are trying to find a needle in a haystack, I cant help but wonder...

...who was shooting up in the barn?

An old lady, after a long life of loss and agony, was going to commit suicide by shooting herself in the heart with a crossbow. She researched human anatomy and learned her heart was just under her left breast.....

She was just admitted to the ER with an arrow to the knee.

A husband hires a hitman to kill his wife of 40 years

Hitman: I will shoot her just below her left breast.
Husband: How is shooting her in the knee going to kill her?

I took my kids to the shooting range today.

But they said I had to use the paper targets.

Officer at the shooting range: Get ready, aim, fire at will.

Soldier: Which one is Will?

Why would Donald Trump run into an active school shooting, even if unarmed?

Because he knows one of his supporters would never shoot him

Netflix's original content has some stiff competition.

I heard they're shooting something at YouTube HQ today.

Things have gotten so bad in The US that during the last parade they surrounded Donald Trump with bullet proof glass.

Just because he's a White guy with mental health issues doesn't mean he's gonna start shooting up the crowd

What's the difference between a school shooting and a royal wedding?

A royal wedding doesn't happen every week.

What's the best part about having Memorial Day off?

3 straight days without a school shooting.

It's been a few weeks since the last school shooting.

Oh, it's summer.

It would suck to be named Will at a shooting range.

"Fire at will"

School dances this year are going to be like Fortnite lobbies...

Lots of stupid dance moves and unnecessary shooting

No wonder fortnite is so popular among school children

Who doesn't love hopping off the bus and shooting everybody in sight?

Why did the American start shooting the river?

He learned fish swim in schools

Where's the safest place to hide after shooting someone?

Behind your badge.

My brother didnt like the school shooting jokes I was making

I think I should aim for a younger audience.

California Condor

A man was in court the other day accused of shooting and killing a California Condor. The judge asked the man, "Why on Earth would you kill one of the magnificent creatures?" The man replied, "Your honor, I have been out of work for quite a while and me and my family were hungry with nothing to eat and I looked up and saw this big bird over head so I shot it down and fed my family with it." The judge said, "That is a tough story. I am sorry for your situation and I will certainly take it into consideration when I sentence you, but by the way, I am a little curious as to what it tastes like." The man replied, "It's really not bad. Kind of a mix between a spotted owl and a baby seal."

(Dark) What do you call depressed American kids?

Shooting stars

If a LGBTQ person participates in a drive-by shooting, is that a...

...fruity roll-up?

My wife just yelled...

...from upstairs and asked "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Sound concerned, I replied, "No..."

She responded, "How about now?"

People are currently shooting fireworks off in my neighborhood. I'm usually all for shooting fireworks to celebrate the founding of the greatest nation on Earth, but come on...

Canada Day was yesterday!

I never get any of the school shooting jokes

they must be aimed at a younger audience

My friend is making a lot of money by taking pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It's like shooting fish in apparel.

Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?

because they practice at the best schools

I usually dont get school shooting jokes.

Typically they are aimed at a younger audience.

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked...

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Sounding concerned I replied "No..."

She responded "How about now?"

Amazon just got approved for drone delivery

We now have skeet shooting with prizes.

I don't get school shooting jokes...

Maybe it's because they're aimed at younger audiences.

What goes, "Klippty klop, Klippty klop, Klippty klop, Klip klop, Klip klop, Bang, Bang, Bang, Klippty klop, Klippty klop, Klippty klop,"

An Amish drive by shooting.

A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.

By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.

After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to his rival and said with a little smile: "I'm sorry, pal. I put all five shots in the wall."

"I'm sorry, too," replied the other, "because I put all of mine into your target."

I went to the shooting range for the first time and couldn't get my gun to fire.

I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.

A guy goes to a New Year's Day party. There are hundreds of people, holiday music is playing.

A few groups of people are playing cards. Others are shooting billiards. Yet another group is sitting around a warm fire telling stories. Everyone seems to be having a wonderful time. Realizing he is hungry, the man gets in a large queue and starts chatting with an old friend. After many minutes go by, he realizes he is not in the food line at all. He asks his friend about if this is the right line. Oh, no, the friend said...

This is the punchline.

Why are Americans so good at shooting?

They have the best schools to practise

My wife yelled to me from upstairs.

Wife: "Do yo ever get a shooting pain across your body,

like someones got a voodoo doll of you and the're stabbing it.?"

Me: "No.. why."

Wife:. "How about now.?"

What is different between an American and Computer?

Americans dont have -trouble shooting-

I never get school shooting jokes.

Maybe they're aimed at a younger audience.

The easiest way to make money is to take pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It's like shooting fish in apparel.

An American is lecturing a British person,

saying things like it's an elevator not a lift and it's chips not crisps etc. After a while of this the British person calmly retorted they're schools, not shooting ranges .

Batman and Robin get ready for patrol

Batman: You ready Robin?

Robin: I'm not sure about this costume Batman. It's so bright and red. And why do I have to wear a silly yellow cape?

Batman: Well, we're superheroes Robin. We got to dress the part.

Robin: I'm still not sure about this Batman. I mean, you aren't dressed in any bright colors at all!

Batman: Well, if I did that then they'll be shooting at me and not you now wouldn't they? And didn't I train you to be the greatest acrobat in the world? So why all the worrying? The other ones never complained about this, they loved being heroes, god rest their souls.

What's the least likely way for a Stormtrooper to die?

Shooting himself.

Voodoo

So a guy calls his wife and asks, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

She says, "God, no."

And the guy says, "Um... how about now?"

Like most people I've been enjoying the Olympics...

I noticed that the USA have won 3/3 gold medals in shooting so far. It really goes to show that if you put in the work in school, you really can acheive anything.

Cats are a lot like guns

Regardless of whether you love them or you think that nobody should own them, you've probably thought about shooting one before.

I just ordered a Chicago style pizza.

It started shooting as soon I opened the box.

My wife told me to stop teasing our neighbor about his infertility after he threatened me with gun.

But I'm not scared because he's shooting blanks.