The Best 83 Shoot Jokes

Following is our collection of funniest Shoot jokes. There are some shoot firearm jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these shoot rifle puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Shoot Jokes and Puns

White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do.

We do it in schools, because we have class.

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes...

But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle

Little Tommy gets asked to stay after class...

so little boy tommy isnt very good at math so his teacher kindly asks him to stay after class so she can help him.He agrees and listens to the teacher as she gives an example.She starts off by saying that if there are 10 birds on a telephone pole and you shoot one off, how many are left? he quickly answers "none". she says "no tommy, there would be 9". he then looks at her and says "thats impossible, obviously if you shoot one off, they would all fly away". she tells him that she likes the way he thinks. he follows up by saying "can i ask you a question miss, if there are 3 ladies holding a lollipop, 1 sucking it, 1 licking it, and 1 biting it...which one is married? the teacher quickly replies with "the one sucking it". he looks at her and says "no, the one with the ring on her finger, **but** i like the way you think

Shoot joke, Little Tommy gets asked to stay after class...

What's the difference between heroin and the cast of the jersey shore?

I wouldn't shoot heroin.

My girlfriend is just like Bambi

She's cute, sweet, innocent, and I want to shoot her mother


An economist, a chaos theorist, and a statistician are trying to shoot a deer for dinner with a bow and arrow...

The economist assumes no wind, and misses five feet to the left. He hands over the bow to the chaos theorist, who overestimates the effect of the wind, and misses five feet to the right. The statistician pumps his fist in the air and exclaims: "We got him!".

Stalin, Kruschev, and Brezhnev are riding a train when it suddenly grinds to a halt.

Stalin says, "I know what to do. We shoot the conductor, the ticket collector, and ten passengers at random. Then the train will run again."

"No, I have a better idea," says Kruchev. "We tell everyone on the train that true communism is just around the corner! Then the train will run again."

"Tovarishi, you're trying too hard," Brezhnev cuts in. "We simply close the curtains, lean back and have a vodka, and *pretend* the train is running!"

Shoot joke, Stalin, Kruschev, and Brezhnev are riding a train when it suddenly grinds to a halt.

A blonde buys a gun.

A young blonde is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home early to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She pulls the gun from her purse and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

An old lady was tired of her hard life and wanted to commit suicide.

She decided the best way to die was to shoot herself through the heart, but she doesn't know where the heart is. So she called her doctor and asked.

The doctor told her the heart is located 2 inches below the left nipple.

The old lady hung up and shot herself in her knee.

Two girls walking down the street when...

one sees her husband coming out of a floral shop with a bouquet of flowers. She says "Oh shoot, he's buying me flowers. I'll have to lay on my back for two days with my feet in the air. Her friend says "Would'nt it be easier to just buy a vase?

What kind of tree would Hanna Montana be?

A 'Miley Cyprus'.

Dear god, shoot me.

You can explore shoot shooter reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean shoot shotguns dad jokes. There are also shoot puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


My Favorite Stalin Joke

Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" Silence. "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?" No answer. "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too. "Well, who sneezed?" At last a sobbing cry resounds in the Congress Hall, "It was me! Me!" Stalin says,

"Bless you, Comrade!"

Ending It All

A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.

Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.

The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.

Police Lineup

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect, who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. Detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot."

One of them, when it was his turn, shouted, "That's not what I said!"

An RAF vet is giving a talk about the war...

An RAF veteran is giving a talk to a class of school children, and was trying to explain what a typical mission would be like.

"So there I was, escorting the bombers to their target, when out of the blue we were attacked by a bunch of Fokkers. There were about 20 of these Fokkers. One took out my buddy, but I managed to shoot the Fokker down. Then one was on my tail and I coukdn't shake the Fokker, but my pal took care of him. Then I took out two more of the Fokkers..."

The teacher interupts "Children I should explain, the Fokker was a type of figher airplane used by the German Air Force to stop the RAF bombers and their escorts."

"Yes, but these Fokkers were Messerschmitts!"

Three boys are bragging about whose dad is the fastest runner...

The first says "My dad is a hunter. He can shoot an arrow, run to where it's gonna land and catch it!"

"That's nothing!" says the second boy "My dad's a police officer. He can shoot a bullet and be at the target before the bullet hits!"

"My dad can run the fastest!" says the third boy. "He's a civil servant. He works till 4 and is always home by 3:30!"

Shoot joke, Three boys are bragging about whose dad is the fastest runner...

A Card

Man, am I scared! confided Paddy to Seamus, looking furtively around the pub. I just got a card from a guy saying that he would shoot me if I did not stay away from his wife.

Well, stay away from his wife, advised Seamus, and you have got no problem.

How can I? moaned Paddy, he did not sign his name.

A little Johnny...

One day in math class little Johnny's teacher asked him to look out the window, where three birds were sitting on a fence. She then asks "Johnny, if I shoot one of those birds how many are left?" Johnny replies "None, they would all have flown away when they heard the gun shot." The teacher smiles and says "The correct answer was two, but I like the way you think."

Johnny looks at the teacher and says "I have a question for you." "There are three women in an ice cream shop and they all have an ice cream cone, one is licking it, one is biting it, and one is sucking it, which one is married?" The teach thinks about it a bit and says "The one sucking it." Johnny looks at her and say "The right answer was the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."

Judgement day

Peter is on trial. He's on trial because he shot his wife when he caught her in bed with another guy.
The judge wants to know; "why did you shoot your wife?".
"Well, " Peter replies, "it seemed easier to shoot her once, than to shoot a different guy every week".


I don't understand why Obama has to give his speeches behind bullet proof glass.

I mean, I know he's black and all, but I doubt he'll shoot anyone.

Stalin appears in Putin's dream...

Stalin's ghost appears to Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country.

Stalin says "Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue."

"Why blue?" Putin asks.

"Ha!" says Stalin. "I knew you wouldn't ask me about the first part."

Did you hear about the 80 year old woman that tried to kill herself?

She was told that the most effective way would be to shoot herself through the heart, just below her left breast... She woke up in hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.

Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job.
Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."

Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"

Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"

What do you get when you shoot four bullets into a six pack?

A Tupac...

A masked man goes into a sperm bank.

A masked man goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says,
Open the safe.

She says, This isn't a real bank; it's a sperm bank.

He says, Open the safe or I'll shoot.

She opens the safe, and he says, Now take one of the bottles and drink it.

After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realizes the robber is
her husband.

He says, Now you see? It's not so difficult, is it?

Why are Americans so bad at playing Billiard?

Because they always shoot the black ones first...

Why can't americans play pool billard?

They always shoot the black ones first.

^^^^sorry...

3 men are lined up for the firing squad...

...and they will be shot in public. The first guy, not willing to die, thought of a great way to trick the squad. Just as the guns were raised to shoot him, the guy pointed behind the squad and shouted, "Avalanche!" The firing squad was tricked, and as they looked behind them, the guy ran away. The second guy decided to try the same trick himself. So as the guns were raised again, he pointed behind the squad, shouting, "Flood!" Again, the squad fell for it, and as they looked behind them, the second guy ran away. The third guy was utterly impressed by what the first two guys did to save themselves, so he decided to try out the trick himself. As the guns were raised once more to shoot him, the third guy shouted out, **"Fire!"**

Photographers are so violent.

They'll frame you, shoot you, blow you up and then hang you.

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?

Shoot him before he hits the water.

Old one I've never seen on here

This joke was in a book I had as a young child, probably from the 70s or 80s. It's so ridiculous, I remember it to this day.

Q: How do you kill a blue elephant?

A: Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you kill a white elephant?

A: Hold its nose until it turns blue and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

How do you stop a North Korean tank?

Shoot the soldier pushing it.

Osama Bin Laden, Josef Stalin and Hitler are robbing a bank, who do the cops shoot first?

A black guy

Why can't a feminist shoot a gun?

They can't handle the triggers.

How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?

They don't, they just shoot the room for being black.

Why are rubber tires black?

So the police know what to shoot at during a chase

What do you get when you shoot a Mexican golfer?

A hole in Juan

I have a gun by my bed.

So in the event of an intruder, I can shoot myself to avoid having to interact with a human being.

A joke from WWII

A German soldier is talking to a Swiss soldier:

"How many soldiers could Switzerland mobilize if we were to invade?"

"Half a million within two days."

"And if we invade with a million troops?"

"We shoot twice and go home."

The Joker is in a room with Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, and has a gun with one bullet, who does he shoot?

Neither. Some men just want to watch the world burn.

A cop is confronted by a white guy with a gun and a black guy with a nerf bat. Who does he shoot first?

The bystander with the camera.

What happens when you shoot a black man?

You go to jail for impersonating a police officer...

When Barack Obama gives his speech, he stands behind a bulletproof glass.

That shows how racist America still is.

Just because he's black, doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone

Thanks Frankie Boyle

I'm in a room with Trump, Hillary and a gun and I'm allowed to legally shoot one of them. Whoever lives becomes president. Who do I shoot?

Myself.

Hey girl are you a school?

Because I want to shoot kids inside you.

A man applies for a job with the local police.

The officer says, "This is the best résumé I've ever seen! There's just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot eight black guys and a cat."

Guy replies "Why the cat?"

Officer says "Great attitude, you're hired!"

If someone tries to shoot the President...

The Secret Service will have to yell "Donald duck!"

Two refugees are waiting in line to get into the US...

Two refugees are waiting in line to get into the US, one says "screw this line, I'm going to shoot Trump". He leaves for a while and then comes back to resume his place in line. The other guy says "so, did you do it?" He says "no, the line there was even longer than this one."

I don't see why Obama gave all his speeches behind bulletproof glass..

I know he's black and all but I doubt he'd actually shoot anyone.

How come american cops always lose at pool?

Because they always shoot down the black one first.

As an aspiring actor, I was somewhat surprised when I got detained by airport security today...

All I said was that I was in town to shoot a pilot...

two foreigners in america are applying for citizenship

They're lined up outside the Citizenship and immigration office, along with many others, not wanting to risk deportation now that Trump is in office.

>Guy #1: I've had enough of this waiting, save my place, I'm going to shoot Donald Trump myself.

several hours later he returns.

>Guy #2: well? did you get him?

>Guy #1: no, The line for that was even longer than the one here.

What resolution does a racist shoot his videos in?

3K

A blind man had to shoot his dog...

To this day, he still misses him

The fact that president Obama needs four inches of bullet proof glass at every public speaking event, is proof that racism is still alive

Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot everyone.

How many LAPD officers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They shoot the room for being black and beat up the bulb for being broke.

I really thought Activision understood that we're sick of modern-day shooters.

And yet in the new Call of Duty they're giving us Nazis to shoot again.

johnny in the math class

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

A man applies for a job as a police officer.

The officer says: Alright, one more thing. Take this gun and go shoot 7 black men and a squirrel.

The man replies: Why the squirrel?

The officer says: I love your attitude, you got the job!

Are you a school?

Cause I wanna shoot kids inside you

A husband hires a hitman to kill his wife of 40 years

Hitman: I will shoot her just below her left breast.
Husband: How is shooting her in the knee going to kill her?

Why aren't color blind people allowed to join the police force?

They wouldn't know who to shoot

What happens when you shoot Napoleon with a cannon?

He becomes Napoleon Blownaparte.

Why would Donald Trump run into an active school shooting, even if unarmed?

Because he knows one of his supporters would never shoot him

What's the difference between a short sighted marksman and a constipated owl?

One can shoot but can't hit..

A guy applies for a job with the Chicago Police Department

He has an impressive resume, gives the best answers to the interview questions, and is very enthusiastic about the job.

"Your qualifications are impressive" says the police chief. "Here's the final test. Take this gun, go out, and shoot ten black guys and a clown?"

The man asks, "why the clown?"

The police chief replies, "Fantastic attitude, you're hired!"

Old Romanian Joke: How do you stop an Albanian Tank?

You shoot the guy pushing it.

Why are Americans so dumb?

Because they shoot the ones that go to school

Sex is like basketball

You dribble a little before you shoot.

I always keep a gun on my night stand in case of an intruder

so I can shoot myself instead of meeting new people

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

5.

1 to change the bulb and 4 to shoot the room up for being black

Three men were about to be executed by the firing squad.

The first man was brought forward and before they could shoot him he yelled "avalanche"! The firing squad panicked and in the confusion, the man jumped over the wall and into freedom before the firing squad could regroup.

The second man thought what the first man did was clever and when he was brought forward for his execution, he yelled "earthquake"! Again, the firing squad panicked and the second man took advantage of it to jump over the wall and into freedom.

The third man thought he saw the pattern: yell a disaster and jump over the wall. When he was finally brought forward, with a smirk on his face he yelled "fire"!

Dave was getting robbed in the desert

he gave the robber his money and asked the robber shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.

he then asked," shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward"

after the robber shot the coat, he said, "shoot a few holes-"

"please, no more holes, I'm out of bullets"

"that's what I wanted to hear. now give me back the wallet and some more money for the hat and coat you destroyed before I beat you black and blue"

Why can't contractors shoot each other with sealant?

Because caulk fighting is illegal.

A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.

By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.

After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to his rival and said with a little smile: "I'm sorry, pal. I put all five shots in the wall."

"I'm sorry, too," replied the other, "because I put all of mine into your target."

I was working in the ER today

This 80 year old woman gets brought in with a gun shot wound and she keeps screaming "you told me to do this! You did this to me!" So I found a nurse and asked her what happened. The nurse said the patient wanted to kill herself so she grabbed a gun and went to shoot herself in her heart, but she didn't know where her heart was. So the patient called her doctor and asked "where's my heart?" The doctor told her "it's about 2 inches below your nipple". So the patient hung up and then shot herself in the kneecap.

How did the GOP shoot themselves in the foot?

With a Cult 45.


***
Also works with, How does a democracy die? , etc.

Sorry if someone already thought of this, thought it was clever and didn't see it after a quick glance.

One more Russian one

2 guys are lost in the middle of siberian forest. One of them says "shoot. Maybe someone will hear us". So the guy shoots once, twice, thrice but no one came to help. His friend said shoot more and the guy replied "I can't. I'm out of arrows"

Police in Belfast have now been given permission to shoot people who break the curfew.

Paddy and Mick, have been put at the top of Belfast City Hall and are ordered to shoot anyone after the 8pm curfew.

The first night they are looking out at 7.45pm and Mick takes his gun and shoots a man.

"What are you doing Mick" said Paddy, "It's only a quarter to eight!"

"That was wee Jimmy, I know where he lives, he would never have made it home in time."

A man calls the National Security Agency...

Man: Hello, I heard you record all our phone conversations, is that correct?

Agent: No sir, we don't do that

Man: Oh shoot. I was just talking to my wife and she gave me a list of things to do and I can't remember! I thought I would check with you rather than call her back and let her know I wasn't listening!

Agent: I'm sorry to hear that sir, but as I said, we don't listen to civilian conversations. However, you should:
1. Pick up a gallon of milk
2. 2 dozen eggs
3. 4 Macintosh apples
4. Help Sofia with her math homework
....

A 90 year old woman decided to commit suicide.

She wanted to shoot herself in the heart but she wasn't sure exactly where it was located on her body so she called the doctor and asked where her heart was. He told her it was directly under her left breast. So she shot her kneecap off.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a duck?

People sometimes get upset if you shoot a duck. The duck is much less greasy. BUT MOST IMPORTANT Nobody ever complains about a duck's bill.

This guy's out hunting with his buddy.

He's got his scope up and says, "Oh my God, I can see your house from here and your wife's cheating on you with another guy!"

His buddy says, "I've had it with her. Shoot her in the head and shoot him in the private parts."

And his buddy replies, "Cool I can hit that with one shot!"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the shoot marksman jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working shoot pistol piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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