Shoot Jokes
127 shoot jokes and hilarious shoot puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about shoot that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Shoot Short Jokes
Short shoot jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The shoot humour may include short shot jokes also.
- Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings? Because it's always too soon.
^(i feel bad) - What's the difference between a computer and an American? An American doesn't have trouble-shooting.
- The Somalian Olympics team has just apologised The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!
- Why aren't color blind people allowed to join the police force? They wouldn't know who to shoot
- Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics? because they practice at the best schools
- I don't understand why Obama has to give his speeches behind bullet proof glass. I mean, I know he's black and all, but I doubt he'll shoot anyone.
- A cop is confronted by a white guy with a gun and a black guy with a nerf bat. Who does he shoot first? The bystander with the camera.
- Playing Oregon Trail. You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and tell him, That's a girl's name! Terry shoots you. You have died of dissin' Terry.
- My friend got arrested for shooting an unarmed black teen He was charged for impersonating a police officer.
- Why would Donald Trump run into an active school shooting, even if unarmed? Because he knows one of his supporters would never shoot him
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Shoot One Liners
Which shoot one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with shoot? I can suggest the ones about shot put and bullet.
- I never understood school shooting jokes I guess they're aimed at a younger audience...
- What's the best part about summer in the U.S.? 3 months of no school shootings.
- What do you get when you shoot four bullets into a six pack? A Tupac...
- Sadly, the marksman had to give up shooting. After that, his life was aimless.
- Apparently there was a mass shooting at the Gap. There were a lot of casual tees.
- After 23 school shootings in 2018 We did it. We finally banned straws.
- Cheap oil, no immigration and no school shootings. Corona did what Trump promised
- What is the worst thing you can say when someone points a gun at you? Oh, shoot!
- Why did the American start shooting the river? He learned fish swim in schools
- What resolution does a racist shoot his videos in? 3K
- Anyone wanna hang out, grab a drink or shoot some pool? Asking for a friend
- I'm making a documentary about the American education system. Shooting starts soon.
- ww1: Because someone shot an Austrian WW2: Because someone didn't shoot an Austrian
- What kind of tree would Hanna Montana be? A 'Miley Cyprus'.
Dear god, shoot me. - What does a church shooting sound like? Pew! Pew!
Heartwarming Shoot Jokes that Make You Laugh
What funny jokes about shoot you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean stalk jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make shoot pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Tommy gets asked to stay after class...
so little boy tommy isnt very good at math so his teacher kindly asks him to stay after class so she can help him.He agrees and listens to the teacher as she gives an example.She starts off by saying that if there are 10 birds on a telephone pole and you shoot one off, how many are left? he quickly answers "none". she says "no tommy, there would be 9". he then looks at her and says "thats impossible, obviously if you shoot one off, they would all fly away". she tells him that she likes the way he thinks. he follows up by saying "can i ask you a question miss, if there are 3 ladies holding a lollipop, 1 s**... it, 1 l**... it, and 1 biting it...which one is married? the teacher quickly replies with "the one s**... it". he looks at her and says "no, the one with the ring on her finger, **but** i like the way you think
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between h**... and the cast of the jersey shore?
I wouldn't shoot h**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Stalin, Kruschev, and Brezhnev are riding a train when it suddenly grinds to a halt.
Stalin says, "I know what to do. We shoot the conductor, the ticket collector, and ten passengers at random. Then the train will run again."
"No, I have a better idea," says Kruchev. "We tell everyone on the train that true communism is just around the corner! Then the train will run again."
"Tovarishi, you're trying too hard," Brezhnev cuts in. "We simply close the curtains, lean back and have a v**..., and *pretend* the train is running!"
Mad Cow Disease
There are two cows out in the pasture, watching as the farmer takes a prize bull behind the barn to shoot it.
The first cow looks at the second one and says "Can't believe Joe came down with mad cow disease. Are you scared we might get it too?"
The second cow looks at the first cow with a puzzled look and says "Why should I be scared? We're ducks."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My experiences working at an electronics store...
On a normal day at the shop a man walks up to me and taps me on the shoulder. I turn around with a big smile and ask "how can I help you". He says "well, I plan to shoot everyone in this store, my family and my dog" I then asked him very calmly "Sir...were you considering Nikon or Canon?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Joke from my jazz history class: You are stuck on an island with h**..., Stalin, and Kenny G. You have a gun, but you only have two bullets. What do you do?
You shoot Kenny G. Twice.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.
Two girls walking down the street when...
one sees her husband coming out of a floral shop with a bouquet of flowers. She says "Oh shoot, he's buying me flowers. I'll have to lay on my back for two days with my feet in the air. Her friend says "Would'nt it be easier to just buy a vase?
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you stop a Polish tank?
Shoot the guy pushing it.
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Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for the day.
Give a man two prosthetic legs, and he'll shoot his girlfriend.
probably won't get him laid
A guy walks into a bar and starts pretending to shoot arrows to a few girls. One of those girls smiles and gets closer to talk: "Hey, I saw that you threw me an arrow." she said while winking at him.
"Yes, I guess I did." came his reply.
"Who are you?", she asked. "Cupid throwing love arrows?"
"No, I'm Legolas killing orcs"
What was the motto of the German rocket program?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you'll hit London.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Just some jokes about musicians.
How do you know the stage at a concert is level?
Drool is coming out of both sides of the drummers mouth.
What do you call a drummer with no girlfriend?
Homeless.
What do floutists eat for breakfast?
Flute loops.
How do you tune three oboeists?
Shoot 2 of them.
How many flute players does it take to change a light bulb?
One, they stand on the ladder holding the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Russian World War II veteran
Is telling his grandchildren:
"So the Germans surrounded us, captured us, and told us, "You choose: either we b**...-f**... you, or we shoot you..."
"And what happened, grandpa?"
"The cursed n**... shot me to death."
there has been a shooting at the Westboro baptist church...
police report 3 dozen cheerful bystanders, yet nobody claims to have seen who did it.
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Ending It All
A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.
Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left n**....
The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
Police Lineup
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect, who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. Detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot."
One of them, when it was his turn, shouted, "That's not what I said!"
During the shooting of a movie...
Director: Now we'll let the lion out of the cage and he'll chase but don't worry he won't eat you.
Actor: What makes you so sure?
Director: It's in the script.
Actor: Has the lion read the script?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An RAF vet is giving a talk about the war...
An RAF veteran is giving a talk to a class of school children, and was trying to explain what a typical mission would be like.
"So there I was, escorting the b**... to their target, when out of the blue we were attacked by a bunch of Fokkers. There were about 20 of these Fokkers. One took out my buddy, but I managed to shoot the Fokker down. Then one was on my tail and I coukdn't shake the Fokker, but my pal took care of him. Then I took out two more of the Fokkers..."
The teacher interupts "Children I should explain, the Fokker was a type of figher airplane used by the German Air Force to stop the RAF b**... and their escorts."
"Yes, but these Fokkers were Messerschmitts!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A Mexican once tried to steal my golf clubs..
so I had to shoot a hole-in-juan.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A Card
Man, am I scared! confided p**... to Seamus, looking furtively around the pub. I just got a card from a guy saying that he would shoot me if I did not stay away from his wife.
Well, stay away from his wife, advised Seamus, and you have got no problem.
How can I? moaned p**..., he did not sign his name.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When Obama made his inaugural speech, they put him behind bulletproof glass.
And that's proof of the racism that still exists in America today. I mean, just because he's black, doesn't mean he was going to go and shoot everybody.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A little Johnny...
One day in math class little Johnny's teacher asked him to look out the window, where three birds were sitting on a fence. She then asks "Johnny, if I shoot one of those birds how many are left?" Johnny replies "None, they would all have flown away when they heard the gun shot." The teacher smiles and says "The correct answer was two, but I like the way you think."
Johnny looks at the teacher and says "I have a question for you." "There are three women in an ice cream shop and they all have an ice cream cone, one is l**... it, one is biting it, and one is s**... it, which one is married?" The teach thinks about it a bit and says "The one s**... it." Johnny looks at her and say "The right answer was the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Interruption of the speech of Comrade Stalin
Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes.
"Who sneezed?" (Silence.)
"First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Applause.)
"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Long, loud applause.)
"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) ...
A dejected voice in the back: "It was me" (Sobs.)
Stalin leans forward: "Bless you, comrade!"
Thanks to allrussias for glorious joke!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Judgement day
Peter is on trial. He's on trial because he shot his wife when he caught her in bed with another guy.
The judge wants to know; "why did you shoot your wife?".
"Well, " Peter replies, "it seemed easier to shoot her once, than to shoot a different guy every week".
The brunette, the redhead, and the blonde.
One day a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were set to be executed. They lined the three woman up in front of a firing squad. First, they brought the brunette up. Ready, aim. But just before they shoot she shouts "Earthquake!" and in the commotion she escapes. Once the chaos dies down they bring up the redhead. Ready, aim."Tornado!" and she escapes. Then they bring the blonde up. By that time the blonde has caught on. Ready aim, and she shouts "Fire"!
I couldn't bring myself to shoot my own turkey for thanksgiving
... So I dressed one up in baggy sweat pants and gave it a bag of skittles and a cop shot it for me
What do they tell Soviet children who want to achieve their dreams?
Shoot for the Tsars.
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Did you hear about the 80 year old woman that tried to kill herself?
She was told that the most effective way would be to shoot herself through the heart, just below her left breast... She woke up in hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
SC shooting suspect Dylan Roof has been apprehended.
He was charged with impersonating a police officer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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What should you do if there is a b**... at night?
Call the police, they'll come and shoot it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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3 men are lined up for the firing squad...
...and they will be shot in public. The first guy, not willing to die, thought of a great way to trick the squad. Just as the guns were raised to shoot him, the guy pointed behind the squad and shouted, "Avalanche!" The firing squad was tricked, and as they looked behind them, the guy ran away. The second guy decided to try the same trick himself. So as the guns were raised again, he pointed behind the squad, shouting, "Flood!" Again, the squad fell for it, and as they looked behind them, the second guy ran away. The third guy was utterly impressed by what the first two guys did to save themselves, so he decided to try out the trick himself. As the guns were raised once more to shoot him, the third guy shouted out, **"Fire!"**
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Old one I've never seen on here
This joke was in a book I had as a young child, probably from the 70s or 80s. It's so ridiculous, I remember it to this day.
Q: How do you kill a blue elephant?
A: Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you kill a white elephant?
A: Hold its nose until it turns blue and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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How do you stop a North Korean tank?
Shoot the soldier pushing it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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o**... Bin Laden, Josef Stalin and h**... are robbing a bank, who do the cops shoot first?
A black guy
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Two men go hunting......
o**... is looking through his new scope and says, "Hey I can see your house from here and your wife's cheating on ya." He buddy says, "I'm tired of her. Shoot her in the head and him in the private parts." He looks back and says, "I can get that in one shot."
Why are rubber tires black?
So the police know what to shoot at during a chase
Donald Trump is being held hostage...
Guy 1: "Donald Trump is being held hostage by terrorists and they threaten to shoot him unless the US can come up with $5 billion in cash!"
Guy 2: "Oh my God, that's horrible! How much have people donated?"
Guy 1: "So far, 15 rifles, 20 machine guns, 16 shotguns, 8 revolvers, 76 BB guns, 18 Glocks, 15 magnums, 21 bobcats, and $12 million in bullets.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Joker is in a room with Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, and has a gun with one bullet, who does he shoot?
Neither. Some men just want to watch the world burn.
How are Harambe memes keeping up?
Cincinnati Zoo keeps trying to shoot them down.
What do you call a beach where you go to shoot gorillas and break Islamic law?
Haram Bay
A young muslim couple go out hunting and shoot a monkey
The woman asks, "Shall we eat him?"
The man replies, "No, that's haram, bae!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When Barack Obama gives his speech, he stands behind a bulletproof glass.
That shows how racist America still is.
Just because he's black, doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone
Thanks Frankie Boyle
There was a shooting at the Apple store last night.
There were no iWitnesses.
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Shooting guns is a s**... hobby.
Its much easier and more cost efficient to shoot targets!
Do you ever get a shooting pain through your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they are stabbing it?
No?
How about now?
Now?
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Two refugees are waiting in line to get into the US...
Two refugees are waiting in line to get into the US, one says "screw this line, I'm going to shoot Trump". He leaves for a while and then comes back to resume his place in line. The other guy says "so, did you do it?" He says "no, the line there was even longer than this one."
I don't see why Obama gave all his speeches behind bulletproof glass..
I know he's black and all but I doubt he'd actually shoot anyone.
As an aspiring actor, I was somewhat surprised when I got detained by airport security today...
All I said was that I was in town to shoot a pilot...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A blind man had to shoot his dog...
To this day, he still misses him
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Sherlock and Watson go to shoot up a school..
Watson: which part of the school shall we head to first sherlock?
Sherlock: Elementary my dear Watson.
[Please don't kill me for this]
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What is a surefire way to make sure your friend doesn't commit s**...?
Shoot him
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I really thought Activision understood that we're sick of modern-day shooters.
And yet in the new Call of Duty they're giving us n**... to shoot again.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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You know you're addicted to games...
When you walk into the bank and see a camera and your first instinct is to take your 9mm p**... to shoot it.
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johnny in the math class
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is l**... her ice cream, one is s**... her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one s**... her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Headache
Guy gets home from the bar and he wants some s**... time but he finds his wife asleep. So he proceeds to go to the bathroom and makes a lot of noise rummaging the medicine cabinet. The wife wakes up.
Wife: What's with the noise?
Husband: just open up your mouth.
She opens up jet mouth and he proceeds to shoot two pills into her mouth.
Wife: what was that?
Husband: two ibuprofen for your headache.
Wife: but I don't have a headache.
Husband: that's what I wanted to hear
What happens when you shoot Napoleon with a cannon?
He becomes Napoleon Blownaparte.
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By all means shoot for the stars
Just aim for their bodyguards first
What's the difference between a short sighted marksman and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit..
My dad always told me "you eat what you shoot"
I recently found out he meant hunting.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Old Romanian Joke: How do you stop an Albanian Tank?
You shoot the guy pushing it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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I tried to shoot up a school
But the fish were too fast
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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s**... is like basketball
You dribble a little before you shoot.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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I explained to my friend that I was going to shoot him, and I did. He didn't seem to care.
It just went in one ear and out the other.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a h**... overdose and a shotgun s**...?
h**... addicts feel great after they shoot themselves.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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home invader
A home invader breaks into a house and finds a couple in the bedroom and holds them at gunpoint.
The owner points to the woman and says, "You have to let her go right now.
You can have all the money and jewelry in the house, you can have my credit card and car keys.
You can even shoot me but you have to let her go right now." The gunman says,
"You must really love your wife."
"Yes and she will be home in 20 minutes."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A police officer candidate goes for an interview...
The officer says, "Take this p**... and shoot A TALL BLACK GUY AND THREE WHITE RABBITS."
So the candidate asks,"why the three white rabbits?".
Officer"that's the kind of attitude we're looking for. You're selected".
Q: how many cops does it take to change a light bulb?
A: none. They just shoot the room for being too dark.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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The war on drugs has started.
So if you see any h**... you should shoot it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?
Cops don't change light bulbs.
They just shoot the room for being black.
Three men were about to be executed by the firing squad.
The first man was brought forward and before they could shoot him he yelled "avalanche"! The firing squad panicked and in the confusion, the man jumped over the wall and into freedom before the firing squad could regroup.
The second man thought what the first man did was clever and when he was brought forward for his execution, he yelled "earthquake"! Again, the firing squad panicked and the second man took advantage of it to jump over the wall and into freedom.
The third man thought he saw the pattern: yell a disaster and jump over the wall. When he was finally brought forward, with a smirk on his face he yelled "fire"!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Dave was getting robbed in the desert
he gave the robber his money and asked the robber shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.
he then asked," shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward"
after the robber shot the coat, he said, "shoot a few holes-"
"please, no more holes, I'm out of bullets"
"that's what I wanted to hear. now give me back the wallet and some more money for the hat and coat you destroyed before I beat you black and blue"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Why can't contractors shoot each other with sealant?
Because caulk fighting is i**....
A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.
By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.
After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to his rival and said with a little smile: "I'm sorry, pal. I put all five shots in the wall."
"I'm sorry, too," replied the other, "because I put all of mine into your target."
I went to the shooting range for the first time and couldn't get my gun to fire.
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
