Shoes Jokes

What are some Shoes jokes?

A paralyzed man says to his friend, Go upstairs and get my shoes. My feet are cold

The friend goes upstairs and sees the paralyzed man's two sexy 17 year old daughters.

He says, Your father sent me up here to have sex with you.

One of the girls replies, That couldn't possibly be true!

The man says I'll prove it and then yells towards the stairs, Both of them?

The paralyzed man yells back Of course both of them!

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer

I have no idea what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

My daughters boyfriend still doesn't know how to tie his shoes...

Every time I walk in her room that's all she's doing.

My sister asked me to remove her clothes.

So I took off her shirt.

Then she said, "Take off my skirt."

I took off her skirt."Take off my shoes."

I took off her shoes.

"Now take off my bra and panties."

and so I took them off.

Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

How do you know that an introvert likes you?

He looks at your shoes instead of his.

So my wife said "take off my shirt".

So I did as she said and took off her shirt.

Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I continued and took off her skirt.

"Take off my shoes." Once again, I did as she said and I took off her shoes.

"Now my hose, bra, and panties." And lastly, I took them off.

Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

So I bought a pair of shoes from a drug addict yesterday. ..

... And I dunno what he laced them with but I've been trippin ever since

What are a kidnappers favorite type of shoes?

White Vans.

A drug dealer sold me his shoes today

I don't know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day

As I was approaching my driveway, I saw a big black man running away with a TV in his hands and I wondered if it was mine.

Upon entering my house, I was relieved to see that mine was at home polishing my shoes.

What is a pedophile's favourite pair of shoes?

White vans.

What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White Vans.

I'll be here all week.

I'm not racist but

I saw a black guy running down the street with a TV and I thought "that's mine".





But then I realized mine is home, polishing my shoes.

If you don't agree with someone, walk a mile in their shoes.

Not only will you be a mile away from them, you'll also have their shoes.

So my drug dealer got me these new shoes..

And I don't know what he laced them with.. But I've been tripping all day

What kind of shoes do paedophiles wear?

White vans

It must be tough having the world's best clown as your dad.

You would have such big shoes to fill

What shoes does a rapist wear?

White vans.

Was walking home the other night and noticed a black guy carrying a TV. Looked just like mine...

So, in fear it had been stolen, I ran home to check. To my relief, mine was still there, polishing my shoes.

Jokes about the handicapped aren't funny

No one knows what it's like to not walk a mile in their shoes.

A man walks into a bank and approaches the counter.

He yells "This is a fuck-up!"

Confused the bank teller asks "Don't you mean stick-up?"

The man scuffs his shoes on the carpet and says "No, I've left my gun at home.

I dislike Nike because they use Indonesian children to make their shoes

I hate Indonesian children.

I can usually tell if I'm going to have sex with someone by what shoes they are wearing.

Pumps and high heels yes, running shoes no- she will probably get away.

How does Hitler tie his shoes?

With little knotsies.

As a middle class first world citizen, I still feel I know just as much about working in a sweatshop in China as the children themselves.

After all, I've walked a mile in their shoes.

My drug dealer got me shoes for Christmas

I dont know what they were laced with, but I've been tripping ever since

My girlfriend came home from work last night and immediately said, "Claud, take off my shirt."

So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Now my hose, bra, and panties." I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

Why do elephants wear green shoes?

So they can sneak across pool tables.

Have you ever seen an elephant sneaking across a pool table?

Works, doesn't it?

As I knelt down in the shoe shop with a pair of shoes in front of this sexy blonde, I couldn't resist a quick glance up her short skirt...

"Hey pervy!" she said. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts, isn't it?!"

"That's absolutely ridiculous!" I said. "I don't even work here!"

What kind of shoes does Voldemort wear?

Horcrocs

I just got my new pair of orthopenic shoes.

"Actually, it's *orthopedic*", my doctor said.

"I stand corrected", I replied.

I saw a black guy running down the street carrying a tv

I thought for a second, "man that looks a lot like mine' so I ran home quick and nope there was mine still shining my shoes.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes.

That way when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and also have their shoes.

Let's change things up a bit.

I thought I found a quarter inside one of my shoes. That would have been strange enough on its own, but it turned out to be a nickel, which made even less cents.

So I was walking outside yesterday(potentially offensive)...

when I saw a black guy with a TV. I was shocked, and I rushed back home, thinking it was mine. But luckily, it was still there, shining my shoes.

"Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes."

After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

I came up with a science joke...

Why are people with diamond shoes so bad for the environment?

They have a big carbon footprint...

A close call.

Yesterday I was walking on the streets in my hometown Rotterdam, in the Netherlands. I was about to go to the grocery store when I saw a black man running with a TV. I was afraid of it being mine, so I ran home as quick as possible, but luckily mine was still there, polishing my shoes.

The next time you make fun of a ginger, put yourself in their shoes.

You'll know how bad it hurts to not have a sole.

I saw a black man running..

I was walking down the street one evening and I saw a black man running holding a television. I thought to my self "i wonder if that's mine", so I hurried back home and lo and behold it was still there, shining my shoes.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer recently.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I'm still tripping.ο»Ώ

I had no shoes and i felt sorry for myself until i saw a man with no feet.

I took his shoes now i feel better.

You can tell a lot about a woman from her shoes

If they're behind her ears, she likes you

Sexy time with my girlfriend

So, me and my girlfriend are making out.
She says, "take off my shirt!"
I took off her shirt.
She then says, "take off my skirt."
I took off her skirt.
She also says "take off my shoes!"
I took off her shoes.
Finally, she says "take off my bra and panties!"
I took off her bra and panties.
She then looks at me and says "I don't wanna catch you wearing my things ever again!"

How can you tell if a Finnish guy likes you?

He's staring at your shoes instead of his own.

I bought shoes from a drug dealer today...

I dont know what he laced them with but i have been tripping like crazy

Probably offensive

My friend and I were walking down the street the other day when we saw a young black man running past with a TV. "That looked just like mine!" I exclaimed. We immediately rushed home to check but everything was fine, mine was still polishing my shoes.

My drug dealer sold me some shoes last night.

I'm not sure what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

What kind of shoes do Frogs wear?

Open Toad sandals...

I'll show myself out - thank you

Here is a joke from the Soviet Union (also popular in other communist countries before 1989)

A CIA agent is sent on a spy mission to Moscow, Soviet Union. He goes to a grocery store and writes down in his diary "There is no food".

He then goes to a clothes shop and puts down in the diary "there are no shoes".

He goes out of the shop and a KGB agent waits for him outside. "You know, 10 years ago we would have shot you for that."

The CIA agent writes in his diary "There are no bullets".

I saw a black man walking down the street with a TV. "That looks a lot like mine..." I thought...

Then I remembered mine was at home shining my shoes.

Would you rather feel the pain of your toes bring crushed in an instant, or spread out over a few years?

In other words, here are your brand new safety shoes.

So there was a monk...

This particular monk could only eat garlic for his religious diet, which made him EXTREMELY weak, and also gave him bad breath. Also, like most other monks he wore no shoes, which gave him many callouses.
This made him a "super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis."

The teacher announces the total for an exam.

Teacher: Okay class, only John got 99/100

John:(to his classmates) Ha! See that?! You people are oozing with stupidity. You people should've followed my example. You guys should just shine shoes for a living or just live the rest of your lives as a mountain hermit. You can all drool at my excellence and you-

Teacher: The rest got 100.

I used to feel guilty about getting rid of old shoes until I realised they were going to a better place.

It turns out that shoes have soles.

The Paper Cowboy

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whisky. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"

The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.

"Well," said the bartender, "he always wore a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," answered the bartender.

Always helpful...

Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

Why do they sell shoes in pairs?

Because they're sole-mates.
(I made this joke up about a week ago and figured I'd tell it on non-peak hours so I don't get upvoted enough to quit my day job)...

As I was driving home I saw a black man carrying a TV down the street...

Nervously, I had to wonder if it was mine, but then I remembered mine was at home shining my shoes

Blonde Walks Into A Shoe Store.

"How much for these shoes?" – she asked the store manager. "$200″ – he replied. "That's too expensive! Can't you bring the price down?" – the blonde. The store manager said he couldn't, and got irritated when the blonde persisted. Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, "There's a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don't you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?!" – he yelled. "Fine. I will." – the blonde replied. After an hour, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her. When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones. Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed "Oh my gosh! This one doesn't have any shoes either!"

What kind of shoes do they wear in Holland?

Wooden shoe like me to tell you.

[Props to my 8-year-old daughter for this one]

Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes...

That way, when you insult him, you'll be a mile away and you'll have his shoes.

A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked.

How much for these shoes? – she asked the store manager.

$200β€³ – he replied.

That's too expensive! Can't you bring the price down? – the blonde.

The store manager said he couldn't, and got irratated when the blonde persisted.

Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, There's a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don't you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?! – he yelled.

Fine. I will. – the blonde replied.

After an hour, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her.

When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones.

Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed Oh my gosh! This one doesn't have any shoes either!

A man walks into a bar...

Shadily dressed in a trench coat with the collar pulled up and a fedora pulled down over his face. A livid scar runs down his cheek, and his two tone shoes are dangerously polished. In his hands he's carrying an accordion case. The bar falls completely silent. All of the patrons turn pale and freeze as the man strolls up to the bar and sets the case down on the counter. Everyone holds their breath. Suddenly, the man flips open the case and pulls out a machine gun! And everyone in the bar breathes a sigh of relief.

My kid grew a foot in the last month.

Anyone know where I can buy shoes in sets of three?

I think my doctor really likes my choice of sensible footwear…

I overheard him telling his colleague that I had, "Serious healthy shoes."

So I saw a black man running with a TV.

Horrified I thought it was mine. But upon arrival home I saw mine was in its right place. Polishing my shoes.

A man walks into a bar...

and sits down.

There is nobody else in the place except him and the bartender. He orders a drink and the bartender goes off to make it.

While he is sitting there he hears a voice say " Nice shoes". The man looks around and finds nobody around. He shakes his head and continues to wait for his drink.

Right away another voice says " Great shirt". Now the man gets up and gives a quick look around the bar. Still nobody around.

As soon as he sits back down he hears another voice say "Love your hair"

Now the guy is freaked out. The bartender comes back and places his drink down. The guy says " I have been hearing these voices. They were saying things like " Nice shoes, Great shirt and love your hair". I think I am losing my mind!

The bartender gives a quick chuckle as he points to a full pale on the bar. He says " Its the peanuts! They are complimentary"

Whats the difference between an Introverted Engineer and an Extroverted Engineer?

Introverted Engineer looks at His shoes when he's talking to you.

Extroverted Engineer looks at Your shoes when he's talking to you.

Dad how are babies made?

Dad: Daddy plants a seed in mums tummy.
Daughter: Does mummy swallow the seed?
Dad: Only if she wants new shoes

Why did my dog hallucinate after chewing my shoes?

They were laced.

How do you know an engineer is an extrovert?

He stares at *your* shoes while he talks to you.

I was on a date and my girl asked me to tell her something sweet.

I said "Candy."

She said "No, I mean, something I'd like."

"Shoes."

"Noooo, something sexy."

"Your sister."

How can you tell when a Software Developer is an extrovert ?

He looks at *your* shoes when he's talking to you.

If you hate someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes

Then you will be a mile away!
And you will have their shoes.

How to make Shoes jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Shoes to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Shoes? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Shoes pick up lines to share with friends.

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