Shocked Jokes
139 shocked jokes and hilarious shocked puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about shocked that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article reveals the funniest jokes that will have your audience in shock! From gasps to getting shocked to being taken aback, don’t miss this collection of jokes that will have you and your friends laughing until you’re left in a state of shock - even mom won’t know what to say!
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Funniest Shocked Short Jokes
Short shocked jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The shocked humour may include short astonished jokes also.
- How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair? Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.
- Did you hear the shocking news about Yahoo this morning? Apparently they still have 500 million users.
- My girlfriend accused me of stealing her thesaurus Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.
- Whenever I see two lovers names carved into a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I think it's shocking how many people bring a knife on a date.
- My English friend was shocked to find out that his ancestors came from Transylvania. Now he can't even look at himself in the mirror.
- A friend and I were discussing a TV show and they said that the 32nd episode is undoubtedly the greatest. Upon rewatching the episode I was shocked to find it was 30 minutes long.
- I awoke from an accident and was shocked when the doctor told me that my fingers were broken. It was hard to grasp.
- A BuzzFeed writer walks into a bar... 95% of americans were shocked to find out what happened next.
- Why is the French military always shocked when they lose a battle? Because electricity flows in the path of *least resistance*
- I was completely shocked today when my doctor told me I was colour blind.. It came completely out of the green
Share These Shocked Jokes With Friends
Shocked One Liners
Which shocked one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with shocked? I can suggest the ones about astounded and surprised.
- It's very rare that a defibrillator fails. But when it happens no one is shocked.
- My girlfriend says I'm hopeless at fixing appliances. Well she's in for a shock.
- I was changing some fuses at Buzzfeed... ... Number 14 shocked me.
- Why was Buzzfeed's editor found dead in the bathroom? Because number two shocked him.
- Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked
- A prisoner was told how he'll be executed Needless to say, he was shocked.
- I was shocked to read this. Statistically 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy
- Most people are shocked when they find out... ...how incompetent I am as an electrician.
- When I found out my toaster wasn't water proof... I WAS SHOCKED!
- I have electrified a clickbait journalist's toilet. Number 2 will shock them.
- Top 13 facts you NEVER knew about non-conductors. #7 won't shock you.
- I've been crying a lot recently It's shocking how many girls carry pepper spray
- My kids say I'm hopeless at fixing appliances... Well, they're in for a shock...
- People are shocked to learn I'm not an electrician. Shocked.
- People are usually shocked that I have a police record. But I love their Greatest hits !
Getting Shocked Jokes
Here is a list of funny getting shocked jokes and even better getting shocked puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you ever get two pieces of shocking news at once? I just found out my sister was diagnosed with testicular cancer.
- I have a friend who can't seem to get her life together. I blame it on her citric acid allergy. Every time life hands her lemons, she goes into anaphylactic shock.
- [Ad] We asked 100 people what it's like getting the chair.. The results will shock you…
- Don't stress about your eyesight failing as you get older... It's nature's way of protecting you from shock as you walk past the mirror.
- Why didn't the electrician get shocked? They were unionized.
- Before I met my girlfriend I was out of control. I was wild and always getting shocked by static electricity. But not anymore... She really keeps me grounded.
- Shock humor is getting pretty old these days So I can finally pretend to be shock humor's friend to get money when it dies
- Just dropped my phone earlier but I ain't shocked Can't get a heart attack if you sold your heart to buy an iPhone X
- How do you call Anakin Skywalker's padawan after getting tased by enemy? A shocked Tano.
- Getting shocked by electricity doesn't just hurt It gigahertz
Mom Shocked Jokes
Here is a list of funny mom shocked jokes and even better mom shocked puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A girl walks up to her mom Mom, I'm in love with our neighbor
Her mom looked back at her in shock But he could be your father!
Age doesn't matter, love is love
I don't think you understand - Mom never told me I shouldn't touch electric wires Imagine my shock when I got grounded!
- Today my brother told me he was going to be a mom It was a shock to hear, but I'm happy he can be transparent!
- I was shocked when i came across a picture of my mom in the local newspaper ...now all the pages are stuck together.
Howlingly Hilarious Shocked Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
What funny jokes about shocked you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean appalled jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make shocked pranks.
A man walks into a bar...
The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.
A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.
"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally n**.... Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're n**...!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're n**...!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me".
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing"...
A man finds out his wife is cheating on him...
So he walks into a bar.
The bartender asks "Why are you looking so blue?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is cheating on me. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death. I'll have some whiskey please."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry, but I can't help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The bartender thinks for a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.
A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous. Suddenly the man walks back into the bar with a big smile on his face.
"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.
"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."
The chief of a tribe in Mexico dies.
His son is now the chief. Since he never learned the ways of his forefathers to predict winters, when he gets asked what should the tribe do, he just tells them to collect firewood. He then goes to the National Weather Station in Mexico and asks them how bad winter is going to be. They tell him; "It looks like it will be pretty bad". Shocked, he goes back to his tribe and tells them to gather more firewood. He goes back to the weather station and asks them again if winter will be bad. They answer, "It is going to be one of the worst winters in a decade." The Chief goes back to the village and tells them to gather more firewood. Then he goes for a third time to the weather station and asks them again, "will the winter be bad?" They respond, "It will be the worst winter in a century." The chief asks them, "How do you know winter will be bad?" They answer, "Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!"
The man says to the bartender...
"Gimme twelve shots of your finest whiskey, and fast!"
The bartender lines up a dozen shot glasses and as he fills them, the man starts to down them one after the other.
Shocked, the bartender asks, "What's the hurry, buddy?"
Between shots, the man replies, "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I've got."
Concerned, the bartender asks kindly, "What have you got, brother?"
The man downs the last shot and puts all his money on the table. "Fifty cents!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I am quite old, so I wasn't shocked today during a
thorough inspection to find that I had a gray p**...
hair.
The other people on the elevator seemed pretty surprised, though.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Little Girl Catches Her Parents Having s**...
One night, a little girl decides to peek inside her parent's bedroom. She is shocked by what she sees, for she catches a glimpse of mommy bouncing up and down on top of daddy.
That very next morning, she asks her mom, "Mommy, why were you hopping up and down on top of daddy?"
The mom replies, "Oh, umm, well, I was just trying to help lose weight by pushing the air out of him."
The girl says, "Well that won't work mommy."
Puzzled, the mother replies, "Well why not, honey?"
"Well, every week while you're at work, the pretty girl from across the street comes to blow him back up!"
Black sheep
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Alien abduction
Harry, Bill, and Steve are siting at the corner bar, when Ted walks in looking distressed. "Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.
Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk and was abducted by an alien." Everyone is shocked. Bill asks, "What did the alien do to you?" "All I remember is being anally probed." Ted says. Everyone is horrified. "I heard that they'll do that." Says Harry. "What did the alien look like?" Ted responds, "Steve."
My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out."
My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out." I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs. I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.
So a man goes to the doctor...
and is told that he has a terminal illness with only 24 hours left to live.
He went home and told his wife who was completely shocked. So later, as they're laying in bed, he asks if they can make love one last time. They do. Later, the man wakes up at 3:30 in the morning and asks if they can go at it again. His wife tired and irritable says, "Well that's easy for you to ask, you don't have to get up in the morning..."
Sorry for the lousy wording
Bellboy
Once there was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. So the boy went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell, face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The shocked priest gave him the job. But one Sunday, he ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed and fell off the tower and died.
"Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? Because I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."
When I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof...
I was shocked!
I see your thesaurus joke and raise you mine. Did you here about the truck full of thesauruses that crashed?
Onlookers were shocked, astounded, agape, flabbergasted, and taken aback.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A couple of newlyweds on were on their honeymoon and moments before the passionate love making commenced, the wife says to the husband, "Please, be gentle, I'm still a v**...."
The husband was shocked and replied, "How's this possible? You've been married *three* times before!"
The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, *god*, I miss him!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man with a dog and a cat walks into a bar...
The man, the dog, and the cat all sit down at the bar and the bartender says "What can I get you?" The dog looks squarely at the bartender and says I'll take a v**..., the guy will take a water, and the cat will take a scotch." The bartender looks absolutely shocked at the dog and says "This is AMAZING! You're a dog that can talk..." The guy looks at the bartender, and says "Don't be fooled, the cat is a ventriloquist."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At catholic school...
A nun teaching catholic school asks the children what they want to be when they grow up.
Mary says, "I want to be a p**...!"
Shocked, the nun says, "What did you just say?"
Mary says, "I said I want to be a p**...!"
The nun replied, "Oh thank heavens. I thought you said you wanted to be a protestant."
A young woman is at her doctor's appointment...
...When the doctor returns, after having run some tests.
"Ma'am," He says, "I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant." The woman appears shocked.
"What!? You've got to be..."
She pauses for a moment.
"...Kid-in-me."
----
After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies "Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"
The woman says "It was totally birth it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Billy comes home early from school, only to find his Dad m**... in the living room...
As Billy is quite young, he is shocked and confused at what he is seeing. His Dad tries to explain:
"Don't be scared, Billy. I'm not hurting myself, I'm doing something completely normal. In fact, you are going to start doing it pretty soon as well."
"Why is that, Dad?", young Billy asks.
"Because, son, my hand is getting tired and I need someone to take over."
a teacher asks students
Teacher asks students to tell about their dreams, one of them raises his hands and says: 'my dream is to get 100 thousands dollars monthly like my father'.
teacher got shocked, 'does your father get 100 thousands dollars monthly?' teacher says.
student replies: 'no, my father dreams too'.
(sorry for my English)
The Albino and the Black Sheep
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science. One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child.
The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Ok, ok, you no tell anyone, I no tell anyone."
Catholic girl goes into confessional
Catholic girl goes into the confessional & says to the priest,
"I think I am pregnant."
He asks, "How did this happen my child?"
"I think it must be the second coming," she replies.
The priest shocked by this statement asks, "What makes you think it
is the second coming?"
She replies, "Because I swallowed the first."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
49ers Fan
On the first day of school, a first grade teacher explains to her class that she's a Seahawks fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Seahawks fans. Wanting to impress their teacher, everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise, 'Janie, why didn't you raise your hand? 'Because I'm not a Seahawks fan' she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you aren't a Seahawks fan, then who are you a fan of?' 'I'm a 49ers fan, and proud of it,' Janie replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Janie please tell us why you're a 49ers fan?' "Because my mom's a 49ers fan, and my dad's a 49ers fan, so I'm a 49ers fan too!" "Well" said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, 'that's no reason for you to be a 49ers fan. You don't have to be like your parents all of the time. What if your mom was an idiot and your dad was a m**..., what would you be?' Janie smiled and said 'I'd be a Seahawks fan.'
So a navy man returns to his ship after a night in port. The next morning he's shocked to find everyone speaking Russian...
Whoops, wrong sub.
Today I found out my roommate was pansexual...
Needless to say I was pretty shocked when I woke up and found him in bed with all of our kitchenware.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
75 story hotel
Phil, Jim, and John were at a convention together sharing a large suite at the top of a . After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear the elevators were broken, and they now had to climb 75 flights of stairs.
Phil said to Jim and John,"let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something more interesting. Hmm, I'll tell jokes the first 25 floors, Jim, you can sing songs the next 25 floors and John you can say your collection of sad stories."
The others agreed and they started the climb for their hotel room. At the 26th floor Phil stopped with his jokes and Jim started his songs. At the 51st floor songs stopped and John's sad stories started.
"I guess I'll begin with my saddest story first. I forgot the room key in the car."
(EDIT) FIXED THE GRAMMAR d**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was shocked to find out that 35% of America's prison population is white.
Surely we don't need that many guards.
Priest and a Hindu are making breakfast..
The priest is spreading on margarine and exclaims, "Look! It's Jesus in the spread!"
Shocked, the Hindu replies, "Wow, I can't believe it's not Buddha."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I walked into a room full of men m**...
They all looked shocked when I didn't stop
An electrician was shocked by a live wire when he was asked why...
He said he couldn't resist.
A mother of twins went into labour and passed out.
A mother of twins went into labour and passed out. She woke up hours later to find her (not so bright) sister carrying her twins. Nervously the new mother asked her sister whether the children has been named. To which the sister replied yes. The new mother shocked and scared then asked the sister what she named the children to which she replied she named the niece Denise. The mother feeling a little better then asked what she had name the boy to which she replied Denephew.
A blonde woman dyes her hair red....
A blonde woman dyes her hair red because she's tired of the blonde jokes. One day she stops by a farm and asks the farmer, "If I can count how many sheep you have, can I keep one?" The farmer reluctantly agrees. After some counting, the blonde woman says, "there is 124 sheep in your farm." Shocked, the farmer counts them. Sure enough, there are 124 sheep. The woman picks one up and takes it to her car. Right when she's about to leave, the farmer knocks on her window and asks,"Ma'am, if I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was shocked to find my son having s**... with our dog in the garden.
I had no idea our dog was gay.
Boy: "Mr. Pence, would you be shocked if I was gay?"
Pence: "No, but you would."
There's an old Native American man that sits in a teepee along the road I take to work.
Every morning for a while now I stop in and ask him what the weather will be that day. Rain, snow, sun, clouds. He's always right.
Well yesterday I stopped in just like normal and asked what the weather was going to be like.
"Got no clue", he said.
I was shocked. "What's different about today that you don't know?"
He just shook his head sadly. "Radio broke."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are the vegetarians silent during s**...?
Because they are shocked by the pleasure they can get from a piece of meat.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A neighbor's wife knocks on the door
She says "Your kids can't play with our children any more."
"Why?" the man asks, shocked.
"They keeping on calling the other kids gay, you should watch your language around them!"
The man replies "They couldn't have learned it from me, otherwise they would have been calling them faggots"
A mother finds out she has cancer
A mother and daughter visit the doctor to get the results of the mom's pap-smear.
"It's stage-4 cervical cancer. You have 1 month left", the doctor says.
The mother is devastated. She gathers all her girlfriends for one last brunch.
At the brunch she announces, "Bad news, the doctor said I have 1 month to live. I have AIDS."
Her friends are shocked. They offer their condolences and hurriedly depart.
"But mom", the daughter protests "You have cancer. Why did you tell them you have AIDS?"
Mom replies, "Because I don't want any of them sleeping with your father."
Mike Pence is at the dinner table with his family...
His son, who has been very quiet, tells him "Dad, this might come as a shock, but I think I'm gay."
Pence laughs and says "Son, you're getting it all mixed up! I'm not the one getting shocked!"
A blonde...
...works in a petrol station filling up cars. One day, a spaceship with 'UFO' written on the side lands next to the blonde. The blonde cheerfully fills it with fuel and the spaceship flied off.
The blonde's boss, shocked, comes out to ask why she filled it up.
"Do you know what 'UFO' stands for?" He asks.
"Of course." She replies, "Unleaded Fuel Only".
credits to u/Mr-Everest
A man goes in a bar every day, sits alone and orders 3 beers.
After a while the barteder asks him:" Why do you come here every day and order 3 beer?". A man replies:" Well, I have 2 brothers and when we were younger, we agreed that no matter where we ended up. We would drink a beer for each of us.". This continued for some time, but one day man came in a bar and ordered 2 beers. Everybody was shocked, then somebody asked:" Whats wrong did one of your brothers die?". A man replied:" No, I just stopped drinking."
A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed as it left a New York publishing house last Thursday.
According to the Associated Press,
witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied,
confused, punchy, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered,
mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, flabbergasted,
astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, boggled,
overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, and perplexed.
A doctor & a lawyer are talking at a party.
A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replies the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.
A man decided to visit a fortune teller...
After looking into his hand and into the crystal ball, the fortune teller says in a dramatic tone:
You sir, will be responsible for the death of millions
Shocked and taken aback, the man goes back to his home. Along the way, he passes near a river and sees a small boy drowning helplessly.
Well, if millions of people are going to die because of me, I might at least save one life.
He jumps into the river and pulls the boy out. The shocked mother comes in tears and says:
Oh my dear god, thank you so much Mr., you are a saint. Adolf, you should thank this gentleman yourself.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My daughter asked me today:"Dad, What is s**...?"
I had feared this moment would come and didn't think it would come this soon but nevertheless I was prepared.
So I sat her down and explained it all. The birds and the bees, the different s**... orientations, all the positions and of course I had to mention all the STD's and the rules of safe s**....
When I finished she looked at me shocked and confused:
"So... which box should I check on this form? Male or Female?"
My next-door neighbour accused me of stealing her underwear from her washing line.
I was so shocked I almost crapped her pants.
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he screeched, Look Dad! It's a frickin' elephant! I was shocked and slightly angry, because everybody was looking at us...
What did you just call it?! I cried.
It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture! Look! he shouted, pointing excitedly.
And so it did...A F R I C A N Elephant.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An alterboy walks in while a priest m**....
The priest said don't look so shocked son ... you will be doing this soon.
Why is that Father?
Because my arm is getting tired.
Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, "Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?"
"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent."
"And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?"
"No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!"
The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D BEEN FOOKIN' A PENGUIN!"
A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.
He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "I am having a baby."
With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She answered, "He sure is."
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It is a real good baby."
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked,
"Then why did you eat him?"
An electron is driving really fast...
...when a cop pulls it over.
"Do you even know how fast you were going there?" Asks the cop.
"Of course," replies the electron, "I knew exactly how fast I was going. But I thought this was the highway!"
"The highway?" The cop asks, shocked. "Do you even know where you are?"
The electron thinks for a moment and says, "No."
The receptionist got a bit shocked when a nun comes running out at full speed, with an expression that could only be described as pure horror.
Receptionist: What in gods name happened to her? The receptionist asked the doctor.
Doctor: Well, I told her she was pregnant.
Receptionist: Pregnant? A nun? Was she really?
Doctor: Of course not, but atleast I managed to cure her hiccups...
Today just shocked my whole life
First i find out im adopted, then I found out that both of my dads are gay.
A man in a bra.
A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, How long have you been wearing that bra? The friend replies, Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.
Really drunk people?
3 men entered a taxi. The taxi driver could tell that they were drunk so he started the engine and turned it off. He then proceeded to tell them that they had reached their destination. The first guy gave him the money and the second guy thanked the taxi driver. The third guy suddenly slapped the driver. The driver was shocked; he was wondering if the third guy could see through his dishonesty. He then asked What was that for? The third guy, with a furious face yelled Control your speed next time you almost killed us!
How many seconds in a year joke
a person died and reached the gates of heaven. An angel was guarding the gates. The Angel said "to enter the heaven, you need to answer 3 questions". The person agreed.
A : name 2 days of a week, that starts with letter T.
P : Today and tomorrow
A: ok, I can accept that. How many seconds are there in a year?
P: 12 seconds
A: (shocked) how come?
P: Jan 2nd, Feb 2nd, March 2nd ...
A: you can go in
My girlfriend broke up with me at our favorite date spot. I was so shocked and heartbroken I got up and immediately stormed out the door.
And that's how I fell off the Ferris wheel.
My dad died, and I wanted to talk to him in the afterlife.
So I went to a woman who could speak with the dead. I told her my situation, and described my dad. She went into a trance and, after a few moments, said "I'm communing with your father."
Then she smiled, so I punched her.
"What did you do that for?!" she demanded, shocked.
"It's what my dad would have wanted," I told her. "He always said it's important to strike a happy medium."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A 20 years old girl returned to her home , looking Happy.
'Mom , look I got 10$ ! ' she exclaimed. Surprised , her mother asked ' honey , you had gone to the forest. how did you get this money ?'
' When I was roaming in the forest, a middle-aged man came to me and said that he would give me 10$ if I would climb a tree. '
Shocked, her mother replied ' Oh no dear , you don't understand . You are wearing a skirt and by climbing the tree, he wanted to see your p**....'
The daughter replied ' Don't worry mom , I am very clever . I knew this and so I removed my p**... before climbing the tree.'
Three men are chatting when the first says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a plumber.
"I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A pipe."
"I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician," says the second. "I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A box of fuses."
"I think my wife is having an affair with a horse," says the third man.
The others stare, shocked and bewildered.
"How can you tell?" they ask.
"Because," replies the third man, "I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A jockey."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My career's in ruins!
A man walks into a bar and finds its patrons raucously celebrating with a young man standing on the bar shouting for more drinks, on him.
He walks up to the bar and shouts to the young man, What's the occasion?
My career's in ruins! the lad cackles.
The man, shocked, replies, Then why the h**... are you celebrating?
I've just completed my PhD in archaeology!
A family takes their sick dog to the vet.
The vet picks the dog up and studies him. Finally, the vet says "I'm really sorry but I'm gonna have to put him down."
"Why?", asks the shocked family. "What's wrong with him?"
"Nothing major", replied the vet. "He's just really heavy."
What do an electrician and a mortician have in common?
They're both shocked when they touch a live one.
A salesman knocks on a door and a 10 year old kid answers drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette...
The salesman is shocked but he asks the kid: Excuse me young man is your mother or father home?
The kid looks at him, takes a drag from the cigarette and says, What do you think?
I was shocked when the Republicans wouldn't vote to convict Trump on his second impeachment.
The first time sure, they always insist a baby is carried to full term.
The second one however, shocking as they actually took care of the baby afterwards.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man was dumping toxic waste into a river.
Suddenly, the sky darkened, lightning flashed, and a glowing woman appeared, hovering above the river.
**"For your crimes, I curse you to only speak in words related to water!",** she intoned, and then vanished in another flash of lightning.
The man stood, shocked, before gathering his wits and muttering, "Well dam".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes to a psychiatrist for an evaluation
So the psychiatrist draws a horizontal line and asks him what that reminds him of. "A n**... woman" he replies. So he draws a vertical line. "And this?" he asks "A n**... woman." Doctor then draws an X and asks the same question. "Two people having s**...." comes the answer. "Hmmmmm" goes the doctor. "It seems you have obsession with s**...." he speculates.
"Me?" answers the shocked man. "Who drew all this filth?"
I took my 8 year old niece to the zoo last week...
..we were walking around the various cages and enclosures when all of a sudden she yells, Look Uncle John! It's a frickin' Elephant!
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us. What did you just call it? I asked.
It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture! she said, ... and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
The phone bill was exceptionally high...
.... so the husband called a family meeting to discuss the issue.
Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone.
Mum: Me too. I hardly use our home phone. I use my company's phone.
Son: I always use my office mobile, I never touch the home phone.
All of them were shocked and together looked at the maid who was patiently listening to them.
Finally the maid said, "Why are you all looking at me? So we all use our work phones. What's the big deal??
A man walks into a bar and asks for a job.
The owner asks him What makes you think you're qualified for a job here?
The man replies: Sir, when my father was young he killed a man named Bartholomew. His father, in his youth, also killed a man named Bartholomew. His father did the same, and his father, and his father, all the way to the 18th century.
The owner is shocked and confused: Dear God, but what does that have to do with the job?
The man replied: I'm trying to say I come from a long line of Bart enders.
