shitty Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious shitty puns

What do Donald Trump and his father have in common?

They both have shitty judgment when it comes to pulling out.

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Osama Bin Laden appeared in a video recently claiming to be alive

Among other things, he also commented on how shitty the English football team had become.

British Intelligence, however, have dismissed it saying that it could have been recorded anytime during the last 44 years.

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My 4yr old was struggling to open his yoghurt, today.

When he suddenly mumbled, "Fucking shitty lid!". My wife immediately looked at me and said, "I wonder where he's got that from?". I said, "The fucking fridge, you silly cunt."

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On a scale of Alligator to Gorilla....

How shitty of a parent are you?

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What do you call a group of men in a flying car having unsatisfying sexual intercourse with a single woman because they feel sorry for her?

A shitty pity gangbang.

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Little Timmy asks his mom if he can lick the bowl this time...

No, you retard! Just flush like a normal person!

(Wow! This is crazy. This was just a shitty joke I read in captain underpants 8y ago. The most I've ever gotten is 75 upvotes. Thank you soooo much!)

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Well... That's Australians for you

My 4-year-old was struggling to open his yoghurt today when he suddenly mumbled "Fucking shitty lid!"
My wife immediately looked at me and angrily said "I wonder where he's got that from??"
I said, "The fridge, you silly cunt."

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NSFW My 4-year old was struggling to open his yoghurt today...

My 4-year old was struggling to open his yoghurt today when he suddenly mumbled, "fucking shitty lid!"

My wife immediately looked at me and said, "I wonder where he's got that from?"

I said, "The fucking fridge,you piece of shit"

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I've just had to take my son's shitty diaper off.

I'm not entirely sure why I tried it on in the first place.

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Fuck, got some shitty news today..

Found out that cock fighting is done with roosters.
Six months of training wasted.

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My father's answer to everything was alcohol.

He wasn't a drunk. He was just shitty at Trivia.

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Give a man a fish...

And, apparently, you're a shitty secret Santa.

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Grandfather dropped a bomb today I'll never forget

We stopped at a shitty diner in the middle of nowhere in the midwest. The people looked like they hadn't slept in a year and had eaten meth for a week from their missing teeth and saggy cheeks.

**Me:** Jesus, these people look like zombies

**Gramps:** Yeah and they're probably starving from the lack of brains in this fucking town.

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Confucius say man who drops watch in toilet...

...has shitty time

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I like my dicks like I like my "I like my women like I like my coffee..." jokes

I'll take one every few months if I have to, but it'd be nice if there weren't so many people constantly trying to cram their shitty ones down my throat.

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All lawyers are assholes...

A man walks into a bar, obviously pissed off. He orders a double shot of whiskey, downs it in one gulp, slams his fist down on the bar, and exclaims "GodDAMN it, all lawyers are ASSHOLES!"

The guy next to him stands up, looking ready to fight. "You take that back!"

The first man backs down "Sorry, buddy, I just had a really shitty day. I didn't realize you were a lawyer."

The second guy shouts "I'M NOT! I'M AN ASSHOLE!"

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Confucius Say: He who drop watch in toilet...

Bound to have shitty time.

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A woman approaches a monk and asks "how come if a man has sex with a lot of women he is a player, but if a woman has sex with a lot of men she is a slut?"

The monk looks the woman and says "a key that opens many locks is a master key, but a lock that gets opened by many of keys is a shitty lock"

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An Arab and a Doctor

An Arab and a Doctor are Building an identical house next to each other in the same street.

After their houses are build the Arab says to the doc. "Hey Doc. You know my house is worth more than yours"

The doctor says: "dude don't be silly, we have the identical house in the same street how could yours be more worth than mine?"

The Arab replies: "well my house is in a good neighborhood as it is next to the house of a doctor, yours is in a shitty neighborhood next to some dirty Arab guy"

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Unfair Christmas

Two brothers open up their Christmas gifts. One got many gifts. Xbox One, PS4, tons of games, Legos, remote control vehicles, and much more. The other one got a used tennis ball. One brother says to the other "Look at all the gifts I got, and you got a shitty tennis ball. HAHA" the other replies "At least I don't have cancer."

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So, I'm in the stall of a public bathroom...

...And this guy comes in. First thing he does is belch extremely loudly. Twice. Walks to the urinal, starts obnoxiously banging his fist on the wall; I guess trying to make some sort of shitty beat. Farts, finishes, and leaves. No washing his hands or anything. All I can think is "Wow, I don't understand how someone could be so gross: Especially in a public place." So, I finish masturbating and get the hell out of there.

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My Wife told me sex is better on holidays...

That was a shitty postcard to get :/

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Why is Eminem a shitty bartender?

Because you only get one shot.

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Tried it in /funny, didnt work there so now Im trying it here :) Best joke I know

First off, sorry for the shitty english, not a native...
A guy have just been invited to his girlfriend for dinner and sleepover for the first time. Since theyve never done "it" he got really excited and thought that this would be the day he lost his virginity. So the day before the dinner he goes into an shop to buy some condoms. He picks one up and and since hes feeling slightly embarrased in front of the shopkeeper he have the urge to explain.
"Well my GF invited me to an dinner tommorow and I think this will be the night when we do "it" for the first time". The shopkeeper just accept it with a nod. Then the guy takes up an second condom.
"Well its her sister. Shes like an older hotter version of my GF and if Im lucky I might sneak up into her bed aswell..." Then he picks up a third condom.
"Its my GFs mom, Ive seen pictures of her. Shes really hot for her age. If Im really really lucky tommorow I might score an hatrick" The shopkeeper rolls his eyes a bit and then let him buy the condoms.
The next day the whole family and the BF are sitting down around the table. The family is a little religious so before the dinner the say grace. When the family is done they notice the guy just keep on praying and praying. It goes on for a long time. After a while the GF feels nudge him in the ribs..
"I didnt know you were this religious"
"No and I didnt know youre father was an shopkeeper..."

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I saw a chameleon today....

I guess it was a pretty shitty chameleon.

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A drunk man stumbles into a bar...

A drunk man stumbles into a bar and approaches the bartender and orders two shots of whiskey.

Bartender says "damn man, you look like you've had a shitty day"
Drunk man, slightly crying says "it'sss been the worst day of my whole liffffe! I wassss standing on the corner of street taking a piss when a busss went by and knocked my dick off man!"
Bartender says "that sounds impossible. No way a bus knocked your dick off"
Drunk man says "I got it right here...in my pocket!" and he reaches into his pocket and lays it up on the bar.
Bartender says "You drunk fool, that ain't your dick. That's a cigar"
Drunk man examines the object on the bar and says "Oh. Wrong pocket" then reaches into his other pocket and grabs it and puts it on the bar.
Bartender says "Sorry bub. That's a cigar too"
Drunk looks at both items and starts to cry -"Holy sssshit. I smoked my dick"

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Shitty Genie

A man walks into a bar and immediately notices the piano player, he's maybe a foot tall and just tearing it up. He's amazing.
The patron asks the bartender where he found such an amazing musician. The bartender replies, "oh, I found a genie in a lamp. It's in the alley and there are still two wishes left. Help yourself."

The patron is excited and runs into the alley, sees the lamp, rubs it and asks the genie for a million bucks. Suddenly a million ducks appear in the alley quacking and shitting everywhere. Furious the patron storms back into the bar and starts yelling at the bartender, "your genie sucks. He fucked it up. I asked for a million bucks and a million ducks appeared!"

"I know, you think I actually asked for a twelve inch pianist!?"

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I finally saw 2 girls, 1 cup and I don't see what the big deal is

It's a shitty video.

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Kinda of a shitty joke but......

Shortly after a British Airways flight had
reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:


'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.
Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto .
The weather ahead is good, so we should have
a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and..... OH, MY GOD !'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on
the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared
you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally
spille a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should
see the front of my pants!'

One Irish passenger yelled...'For gods sake ........ You should see the
back of mine!!!'

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A not so shitty story

A man walks into the doctor's office stating "Doc, I haven't had a shit in weeks". The doctor, does a normal check up, and upon finding the man to be okay, prescribes him some laxatives.

Two weeks later, the same guy walks into the office saying "Doc, I still can't shit". The doctor does another check up on him, and this time prescribes him some extremely powerful laxatives.

Another two weeks pass and the same guy walks in saying, "Doc, I still can't shit". Fearing the worst, the doctor then starts asking him about his family history and his background.

The doctor then gets to the question, "What's your occupation?"

"Well I'm a artist," he states. "A painter by trade."

The doctor then laughs, "That makes sense! Here's five dollars, go eat something".

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I kind of feel bad for Amy Schumer over people calling her unfunny.

I mean can you imagine being so bad at comedy that you have to steal *shitty* jokes?

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I would tell more jokes about my career as a shitty mailman...

...but I always get the deliveries wrong.

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Being a dildo is not all it's cracked up to be.

Sure you'd see a lot of pussy action. But sometimes you'd get the shitty gigs too.

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You know whats shitty about constipation?

Nothing.

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My Grandmas Old Advice.

My grandma used to always say,

"Boy, never hate people for the things they can't change...
hate them for the things they can change, like their stupid personality, their shitty opinions or their inferior religions."

At least that's what I think she said, I never listened to the stupid old Jew anyway.

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What are the most funny Shitty jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Shitty? Well, here are the best Shitty dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Shitty pick up lines to share with friends.

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