shit Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious shit stories

What are the best shit puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Shit? Well here is a complete list of the top shit jokes:

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

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The word asparagus is funny.

It sounds like an Italian guy begging you not to kill someone named Gus.

I'm sorry. I'm high as shit and just ate some asparagus. My first original joke.

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A man is walking through a graveyard when he sees another man squatting next to a grave. "Morning!" he calls out.

"No, just having a shit!"

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Asian guy walks into a bar

He sits down at the the bar and start drinking a beer. The guy next to him ask: you know kung fu or karate or any or this shit? The asian guy replies: why you ask this, is because I chinese? The other guy replies no it's because you're drinking my fucking beer.

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I have to tell my girlfriend that I don't like the fetish she's into...

But first I need to get some shit off my chest.

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This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.

Yesterday, he brought his dog along.

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Doc, I ate one of those 'Do not Eat' silica packets. Am I going to die??

Doctor: Well, everyone is going to die eventually.

Man: Everyone?? Holy shit, what have I done?

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What does a pregnant fourteen year old and the fetus inside her have in common?

They're both thinking, Shit, my mom is gonna kill me!

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My grief counsellor died the other day..

But he was so good I didn't give a shit.

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a joke that isn't racist

a guy is sitting in a bar and turns to the Asian guy next to him and asks:

"hey do you know, tai quon do, ju jutsu, kung fu or any of that shit?"

offended the Asian man replies:
"what you think that just because i'm asian i know martial arts?"

the man replies: "nah its because you're drinking my fucking burbon"

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Our neighbour's dog crapped in our garden, so my wife asked me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.

I don't know what that solved. We still have dog shit in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.

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My brother has taken being sent to jail really badly.

He has been refusing food and drink, spitting and scratching anyone who comes near and he smeared the walls with his shit.

I'm not inviting him to monopoly night again.

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How many Mexicans does it take to...

...Oh shit, they're done

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Why don't blind people skydive?

cos it scares the shit out of their dogs.

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What did the left ass cheek say to the right ass cheek?

Together, we can stop this shit!

From my 11 year old son

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I ate a contradiction the other day...

it constipated the shit out of me.

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What did the left butt cheek say to the right one?

If we stick together, we can stop this shit.

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I was wondering why my doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation...

Then I saw a dragon and I fucking shit myself.

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Why did the little boy want Viagra?

A little boy with diarrhea tells his Mom he needs Viagra. The Mom asks "Why on Earth do you need that?" The little boy replies, "isn't that what you give Dad when HIS shit won't get hard?!"

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I swallowed two bits of string yesterday.

When they came out the other end they were tied together. I shit you knot!

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My wife asked me if I ever peed while in shower.

I said yes, few times, accidently... She said that's so gross and asked wtf does accidently means? I said well that's the way it goes when taking a shit sometimes.

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A guy came up to me in the street today...

...and asked me if I wanted to enter a raffle for cancer?

I thought, "what a shit prize..."

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A redneck walks into a bar with a huge pile of shit in his hands...

and says,"Hey, look what I almost stepped in."

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Hey Watson, is that mud on our boots?

No, shit, Sherlock.

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A drunk guy is in a bar.......

A drunk guy is in a bar when he suddenly says "Hey everyone! I bet I can fart the national anthem!" People start coming wondering if he'd really do it. The man then takes off his pants,kneels on the bare counter and takes a shit. The angry bartender then asks him what the fuck he was doing and the drunk responded "Well even Elvis had to clear his throat!"

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Pavlov walks into a bar.

Ivan Pavlov walks into a bar.
The bartender rings the bell for last drinks, and he thinks "shit - I forgot to feed the dog"

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So three guys were sleeping in a bed

when all of them woke up at the same time. The guy on the right said, "Holy shit I was just having the best dream about a girl wackin' me off." The guy on the left said, "No way I was having the same fucking dream!" The guy in the middle then said, "Dammit, I just had a dream I was skiing!"

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Vietnam

Two men are approaching each other on the sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other points behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."

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I shot a turkey for the first time today...

Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen foods section.

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Why did the blind fly starve to death??

Because he couldn't see shit

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How is the Quran like weed?

How is the Quran like weed?

Burning that shit will get you stoned.

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Why don't black people go on cruises?

Because they were fooled with that shit once before.

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There were three Nuns in a house..

The first Nun says, "I was cleaning the Fathers room this morning, and guess what i found? Pornographic magazines!" The second Nun says, "Well what did you do?" "I threw them all in the trash!" The Nun replied. Then the second Nun says, " Well, i was putting laundry in the Fathers room this morning, and i found some condoms on his dresser!" "Well what did you do?" the first nun asks. "I poked holes in all of them!" The third Nun goes, "Oh, shit!"

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What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek?

If we stick together, we can stop this shit.

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My roommate is gay

There was this boy who went away to college, and came back for Christmas.

Over drinks with his dad by the fireplace, he told his dad: "Dad, I think my roommate is gay."

Dad asks: "Well, what makes you think so?"

Son replies: "His dick tastes like shit."

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How do you know if your roommate is gay?

His dick tastes like shit.

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Fastest thing on Earth

4 guys are talking about what the fastest thing is. 1st guy says it's a thought. 2nd guy says it's the blink of an eye. 3rd guy says it's electricity. 4th guy says it's diarrhea, the other guys say, diarrhea? What are you talking about?
4th guy says, the other day before I could think, blink or turn on the light,I shit my pants.

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Feeding pigeons

Two guys are feeding pigeons in the park.

'These pigeons are just like politicians,' says one.
'Really? How so?,' replies the other, dutifully.
'As long as they're at our level, they'll eat out of our hands. But as soon as they get to the top, they just shit on us.'

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how many Mexicans...

How many Mexicans does it take to...

Oh shit, they're already done.

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What is it called when an Ethiopian takes a shit?

Bragging

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So there's this incest family...

and the daughter wants to take the car out for the evening. She asks her father for permission and he says "Sure honey, but you have to suck my dick before you can take it." This being a normal custom she says "Okay" and starts the process. As she's doing the dirty deed she complains to her dad that his dick tastes like shit, to which her dad replies, "That's right, I forgot your brother has the car tonight."

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I can see your house from here

Two guys are hunting in the woods. One says, "Hey I can see your house from here. Oh shit your wife's cheating on you!"
The other one turns and says, "You know what? I've had it with her. Shoot her in the head and shoot him in the dick."
"Okay. I can get that in one shot."

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So two very drunk men are at a bar.

When one of them points out that he was sure that he had something to do today. The other, not wanting to make him too stressed out, says "Well, why don't we go see a play? Maybe that'll help you remember". "Sure," the other man says, "I would love to." So, they walk over to the theater, pay, and sit down. Halfway into the play, the man says "You'll love this part especially, it's where I come in ... Oh shit!"

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An old couple is sitting on the porch...

Suddenly the wife stands up and knocks her husband off his seat. The old man gets up and asks, "What was that for?!"
She replies, "Fifty years of bad sex."
Her husband nods, sits back down, and they continue sitting there for a while.
All of the sudden the man stands up and slaps the shit out of his wife.
Stunned she asks, "Why did you do that?!"
"That's for knowing the difference."

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Why don't blind people sky-dive? (from "Money Train")

Because it scares the shit out of their dogs.

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You ever realize life is like toilet paper??

One minute you're on a roll, next you're taking shit from some asshole

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Why don't blind people skydive?

It scares the shit out of the seeing eye dog.

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A bear and a rabbit are shitting in the woods...

The bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Hey, does shit stick to YOUR fur?"

The rabbit says, "Why no, it doesn't."

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

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Cemetery

A priest goes for a walk in the cemetery before breakfast and sees a man crouching by a tombstone.
The priest says to the man "Morning!" He replies "No actually, I'm taking a shit!"

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A nurse walks into a bank...

A nurse is in a bank making a withdrawal after her night-shift. She grabs the pen to sign her name, but it (inevitably) doesn't work, so she hunts in her handbag. She pulls out a thermometer saying, "Shit, some asshole's got my pen."

Ba-dum

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best shit jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about shit. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty shit gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these shit jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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