shit Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious shit puns

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

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The word asparagus is funny.

It sounds like an Italian guy begging you not to kill someone named Gus.

I'm sorry. I'm high as shit and just ate some asparagus. My first original joke.

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A man is walking through a graveyard when he sees another man squatting next to a grave. "Morning!" he calls out.

"No, just having a shit!"

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Asian guy walks into a bar

He sits down at the the bar and start drinking a beer. The guy next to him ask: you know kung fu or karate or any or this shit? The asian guy replies: why you ask this, is because I chinese? The other guy replies no it's because you're drinking my fucking beer.

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I saw a sign that made me shit myself

It said "Bathroom closed"

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I have to tell my girlfriend that I don't like the fetish she's into...

But first I need to get some shit off my chest.

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A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.

The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on.

The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.

"Hey, ma-"

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!" The driver abruptly hit the breaks.

"Dude, wtf!" the passenger complained. The driver then apologised "Sorry, man. It's my first time on the job and I haven't adjusted from my previous job yet."

"What did you do before this?"

"I drove a hearse."

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This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.

Yesterday, he brought his dog along.

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Doc, I ate one of those 'Do not Eat' silica packets. Am I going to die??

Doctor: Well, everyone is going to die eventually.

Man: Everyone?? Holy shit, what have I done?

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What does a pregnant fourteen year old and the fetus inside her have in common?

They're both thinking, Shit, my mom is gonna kill me!

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My grief counsellor died the other day..

But he was so good I didn't give a shit.

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My friend just asked me, "If you became invisible, what would you do first?"

I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat the shit out of him; the round of applause he'd get would be astounding."

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My girlfriend asked me if I had ever I peed in the shower. I said "yes, twice, but they were both accidents"

She asked "How on earth could you accidentally pee in the shower?!"
I said "Well these things tend to happen when you're taking a shit".

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My grief councillor died recently

Thankfully he was so good that I don't give a shit

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My black friend and I were in the library when he asked where the coloured printer was.

I said, "Shit, man, it's 2018. You can use whatever printer you want."

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An Interview

INTERVIEWER: What's your greatest strength?

ME: Shapeshifting

INTERVIEWER: Is that so?

INTERVIEWER: Yes

INTERVIEWER: Holy shit

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A shark and his son go looking for a snack...

The father says, "I'm going to teach you how to catch a human. First you raise your fin out of the water and start circling, then you go in and eat them."

"Why circle them?" asks the son.

The father replies, "They taste better without shit in them."

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My dick is so long if I laid it on the keyboard it would stretch all the way from A to Z

Wait... Shit...

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I call my weed The Quran.

Because burning that shit will get you stoned!

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My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.

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A man walks into a bar and orders nine shots of jaegermeister.

"Why are you ordering so many?" asks the barman?

"I just had my first blowjob" says the man.

"Well shit, congratulations, have a tenth one on me!"

"Thanks, but if nine doesn't get rid of the taste, nothing will".

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A readhead tells her blonde step-sister "I slept with 2 Brazilian guys last night!"

The blonde replies, "Holy shit, you slut! How many is a Brazilian?"

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4/20 is my favorite day to skip work, grab a pipe, head down to the park, and

beat the shit out of hippies.

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Pavlov is sitting in a bar when the phone rings.

All of a sudden he jumps up and yells: "Shit! I forgot to feed the dogs!"

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A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving.

The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says :

"Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"

The drunk says "No shit, that's why I took my car!"

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Tough to be Irish

"What's your name?", asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike.

" Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.

"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike .

"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"

And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.

The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.

"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.


"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."

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I saw a sign that made me shit my pants

It said "bathroom closed".

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What do vaginas and the mafia have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

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My girlfriend asked me if I ever take a piss while in the shower.

My girlfriend asked me if I had ever pissed in the shower.

I said, "Yeah, a couple of times, accidentally."

She said, "That's disgusting! What do you mean accidentally?!"

"Hey," I said, "these things happen when you're taking a shit."

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My wife told me this in the car the other day. Thought you might enjoy!

Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit.

Me: Who?

Wife: My butt cheeks.

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I was given MDMA and LSD tonight...

What a shit way to start a game of Scrabble.

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"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Holy shit this blew up

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I saw Denzel Washington on the street today.

I said "Hey Denzel! Can I get a picture with you?"
And he's all like "I'm not Denzel Washington you racist piece of shit."
Classic Denzel.

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What do the mafia and a pussy have in common?

One slip of tongue, and you're in deep shit.

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I met this girl the other day and she

took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.

I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.

Oh shit , it's my boyfriend ! she exclaimed Quick, use the backdoor .

Now it's at about this time I probably should have left.....
......but you just don't get an offer like that every day.

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Did you hear about the depressed plumber?

He's been going through some shit

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My neighbor asked if I knew anything about the missing clothes from her clothes line

I almost shit her pants

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Which country has the loosest regulations on incest?

Oh shit this isn't Google

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Donald Trump

Donald Trump has labelled Hillary Clinton "disgusting" for taking a bathroom break during the debate. Trump himself never has to go to the bathroom, as the shit just comes straight out of his mouth.

 

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"Dad, look! I'm a 3D printer!"

"Chris, close the god damn door if you're taking a shit"

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What is the similarity between a pussy and the mafia?

One slip of the tounge and you're in deep shit.

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Love is like a fart.

If you have to force it, then it's probably shit.

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Damn girl are you a Rubik's cube?

Because fuck you, you stupid piece of shit.

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What did one butt cheek say to the other?

If we stick together, we can stop this shit.

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 needs a shit load of adapters to work

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A little girl is with her Dad in garden...

...and asks, "Is that a mummy-longlegs underneath that daddy-longlegs?" Dad says, "No, sweetie. There are no mummy-longlegs, only daddy longlegs." Dad felt very proud of her inquisitive mind until she stomps them both saying, "We'll have none of that gay shit in our fucking garden!"

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My grief counselor died last week.

Luckily, he was so good I didn't give a shit

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A man had been drinking at a bar all night and pukes down the front of his shirt.

Shit I can't go home like this my wife will kill me The bartender sees this and says put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning . So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, to which he replies a drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning . To which his wife says Ok well then why do you have $40 in your hand? Because he also shit in my pants.

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If I'm offering you my seat, you fucking take it.

I don't need this "omg i cant drive a train" shit

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Life is a lot like toilet paper.

You're either on a roll.....or you're taking shit from some asshole.

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A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking shit to each other on the radio. The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, "Watch this, brah!" hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop...

"Top that!" he shouts to the cargo pilot.

"Ok, well watch this." says the cargo pilot.

The plane just goes straight for a while.

"How'd you like that?" asks the cargo pilot.

The fighter pilot is confused and asks, "What did you do?"

The cargo pilot replies, "I went to the galley and got myself some more coffee."

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I call my weed the Quran....

Because burning that shit will get you stoned.

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So I picked up this girl the other day.....

and she took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly. I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open. "Oh shit , it's my boyfriend ! " she exclaimed "Quick, use the backdoor" .

Now it's at about this time I probably should have left but you just don't get an offer like that every day.

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When a women removes polish with chemicals,no one bats an eye.

But when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit.

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I have emotional constipation.

I haven't given a shit in days.

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a joke that isn't racist

a guy is sitting in a bar and turns to the Asian guy next to him and asks:

"hey do you know, tai quon do, ju jutsu, kung fu or any of that shit?"

offended the Asian man replies:
"what you think that just because i'm asian i know martial arts?"

the man replies: "nah its because you're drinking my fucking burbon"

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Got a job working with a bunch of Emo kids. It's depressing, they're always going on about dying, they look terrible with their white skin, and complain about how shit their life is.

Sorry not Emo kids......Chemo kids..

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I took this girl home after our date...

Her: When you said magical in bed this isn't what I expe-

Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card?

Her: *softly* holy shit

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I call my weed the Quran...

Because burning that shit will get you stoned

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What's the difference between a blind hunter and a constipated owl?

One shoots but can't hit while the other hoots but can't shit

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A man dies and goes to hell.

The devil says he must choose a room in hell to spend the rest of eternity in. He walks into the first room and sees a bunch of people doing headstands on a wood floor.

He thinks "No way. I can't do that for eternity"

He walks into the second room and sees a bunch of people doing headstands on a metal floor.

He thinks "I definitely can't do that for eternity"

He walks into a third room where theres a bunch of people standing in 4 feet of shit and drinking coffee.

He says to himself "...well I guess I could get used to the smell."

After 10 minutes in the room, the devil comes in and says "Alright, coffee break's over. Back to headstands."

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The American flag used to be a symbol for freedom and liberty...

But now it means, "Oh yeah. This person is about to say some real dumb shit on Facebook".

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My wife says I'm obsessed with alliteration.

She seriously says some stupid shit sometimes.

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A man and woman were having sex and the woman was dissatisfied

Woman : You know, this wasn't what I expected when you said you were magical in bed

*Man pulls out ten of hearts

Man : And is this your card?

Woman : Holy shit

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There is this African-American kid that goes to school and notices that the teachers treat the white kids better than the kids of color.

So he goes home and paints himself white and shows his dad. "Hey dad look im white!"

His dad kicks his ass, and says "Alright go show your mother."

The kid goes "Hey mom look im white!"

His mom beats the shit out of him then tells him to go show his grandma.

The kid again goes "Hey grandma look im white", she beats his ass and sends him to his room.

About an hour later all the family comes to his room and says "Have you learned anything from this?"

The kid says "Yeah I've learned that I've only been white for an hour and I already hate 3 black people."

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This asshole calling himself a "food critic" said my cooking was shit, so I kicked him in the mouth

He didn't enjoy the taste of defeat

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A piece of shit walks into the bar

Its my dad. My dad is a piece of shit

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Two gay men and two lesbians are having sex when the house catches on fire. Who gets out first and why?

The gay men, their shit is already packed.

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My girlfriend has a poop fetish NSFW

I always give her shit for it

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saw a chameleon today

So it's safe to say it was a pretty shit chameleon

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I can't figure women out...

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted.

I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic.

I spent $1,000 on lip job for her and she couldn't thank me enough.

I spent $50 on a blowjob for myself and she lost her shit! Women, I can't figure them out.

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What do a pregnant teenage girl and her baby have in common?

They're both thinking, "Oh shit, my Mom is gonna kill me."

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I was walking through a cemetery this morning...

and saw a man crouched behind a gravestone. I said "morning!"

He replied "no mate just having a shit"

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Our neighbour's dog crapped in our garden, so my wife asked me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.

I don't know what that solved. We still have dog shit in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.

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How do you get 4 old ladies to yell "Shit!"?

Get a 5th old lady to yell "Bingo!"

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Accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles last night

My next shit could spell trouble

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My black friend asked me if there's a colored printer in the library.

I said "Shit man, it's 2015 you can use whatever printer you want!"

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A man goes to the doctor..

After running tests the doctor says to the guy, "I'm sorry but I have two bits of bad news."

"The first is that you have cancer."

Guy goes "Well shit. What's the other bad news?"

Doctor says, "You have Alzheimer's."

Guy says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

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My uncle Robert was a shit ventriloquist

He used to stick his hand up my arse and tell me to say nothing

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My brother has taken being sent to jail really badly.

He has been refusing food and drink, spitting and scratching anyone who comes near and he smeared the walls with his shit.

I'm not inviting him to monopoly night again.

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How many Mexicans does it take to...

...Oh shit, they're done

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Glasses

"How much do you weigh?"

"Precisely 75 kg when I'm wearing my glasses."

"What about when you are not wearing your glasses?"

"No idea. Can't see shit."

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How tall is a penguin?

A man rushes into a bar and screams at the bartender, "How tall is a penguin?"

The bartender looks at him weirdly and says, "Excuse me?"

The man repeats, "How tall is a penguin?"

The bartender motions with his hands. "Uh, about this high."

The color drains from the man's face as he says, "Oh shit I just ran over a nun."

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Why don't blind people skydive?

cos it scares the shit out of their dogs.

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Two black guys are walking down the street and see a sign that says turn white for $75

Black guy one: "Do you think it will work?

Black guy two: "Only one way to find out."

BG1: "I only have $50"

BG2: "Well, I have $100, I'll go do it then give you my change

BG1: "Let's do it then"

BG2 goes in and fifteen minutes later comes out white as a ghost, wearing a brand new suit and carrying briefcase.

BG1: "Holy shit it actually worked! Let me get that $25"

BG2: "Fuck you, nigger. Get a job."

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I once swallowed two pieces of string and an hour later they came out of my ass tied together.

I shit you knot.

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I don't understand why dogs are called "Man's best friend."

Even my worst enemy wouldn't take a shit in my yard while staring me in the eye.

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Why do gay dudes always check out of their hotel on time?

Because they had their shit packed the night before. ..

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A sad guy walks into a bar and asks for a whole bottle of vodka

The bartender sits the bottle in front of him and asks "oh boy, you look like shit, what happened?". The man answers "I just found out my brother is gay".

The next day, the same guy walks into the same bar and asks for two bottles of vodka. The bartender asks "ok, what happened this time?", to which the man answers "Today my son confessed to be gay!"

The next day, once again the same guy walks into the bar and orders three bottles of vodka. "Dude, is there anyone in your family that likes women?", asks the bartender. "Yes", answer the man, "my wife".

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I told my friend I made $600 a month selling dog shit

He said: "That's gross!"

I said: "No, that's net."

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The neighbor's dog shit in our garden, so my wife told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence…

I don't see what that solved.

Now we've got dog shit in our garden and the neighbors have our shovel…

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I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to try Anal

Her: "Fuck that shit"

Me: "That's the spirit"

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Calling in sick...

A young man had just got a job at an electrical store and was to start work on Monday. Unfortunately, he called in sick for the day. The boss was a little annoyed but decided that shit happens and let it go.

The guy came in Tuesday and sold a stack of electronics, and continued on for the rest of the week selling record amounts of computers and TVs and other goods.

The following Monday, the boss got a call - it was the new employee calling in. "Sorry boss - I'm really sick!" The boss was getting more annoyed with him.

Tuesday the young guy was in and selling even more than last week. He finished up the week making a new record for sales for his state.

Next Monday the new guy called in sick again and the boss decided it was time for a chat with him.

So on Tuesday the guy rocks up to work and the boss pulls him aside.
"Bob, you're a great salesman, but you keep calling in sick on Mondays - What's going on?"

"Well boss. My sister's just gone through an awful divorce and she calls me every Monday morning crying, so I go over to her house and comfort her. We always wind up making love for the rest of the day..."

"THAT'S SICK!"

"I told you..."

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A not so shitty story

A man walks into the doctor's office stating "Doc, I haven't had a shit in weeks". The doctor, does a normal check up, and upon finding the man to be okay, prescribes him some laxatives.

Two weeks later, the same guy walks into the office saying "Doc, I still can't shit". The doctor does another check up on him, and this time prescribes him some extremely powerful laxatives.

Another two weeks pass and the same guy walks in saying, "Doc, I still can't shit". Fearing the worst, the doctor then starts asking him about his family history and his background.

The doctor then gets to the question, "What's your occupation?"

"Well I'm a artist," he states. "A painter by trade."

The doctor then laughs, "That makes sense! Here's five dollars, go eat something".

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If you have one big shit, and divide it into 3 equal parts and throw 2 of them away. What are you left with?

One turd

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Why are male bathrooms on the left, and female bathrooms on the right?

Because no matter what, women are always right, even when they're full of shit.

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Life is a lot like toilet paper. You're either on a roll.....or you're taking shit from some asshole.

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I just finished reading a book called "How To Give Constructive Criticism"

It was fucking shit.

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A guy who married this woman. Unfortunately, his dick was too small,

so every time they had sex he used a pickle instead of his dick. For seven year's he has been doing that.

One night his wife suspect that something is wrong so while they are having sex she quickly threw the cover and turned on the lights! So the woman said, "What the hell is that, are you using a
pickle on me. I am shocked, and for seven years you have been doing that, you piece of shit."

So the man said, "Shut the fuck up! It's been seven years and I never asked where the hell those kids came from!"

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NSFW My 4-year old was struggling to open his yoghurt today...

My 4-year old was struggling to open his yoghurt today when he suddenly mumbled, "fucking shitty lid!"

My wife immediately looked at me and said, "I wonder where he's got that from?"

I said, "The fucking fridge,you piece of shit"

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A scrawny, skinny lumberjack asks a local lumber company if they're hiring

"Sure, but we ain't taking you. You're a skinny little shit and this is work for a big man."

Outraged, the skinny lumberjack rips the hatchet right off the bigger lumberjack's belt, walks over to a redwood tree, and knocks it down with one swing.

"Ok, then, you're hired. Just tell me this: where on earth did you learn a skill like that?"

"the sahara forest" the scrawny lumberjack replies.

"you mean sahara desert?"

"sure, if that's what they call it now."

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I've just had to take my son's shitty diaper off.

I'm not entirely sure why I tried it on in the first place.

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Called my wife the other day from work: BABE MY LIFE IS IN RUINS

Her: For the last time you are an archeologist and this shit is getting old

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A man wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun bursts through the door of a bank

"Go to the back and give me everything you've got!" the man says.

The woman replies, "Sir, this is a mistake, this is a SPERM bank."

"I don't give a shit, you go get me what I told you!"

The woman goes to the back and comes out carrying a tray full of sperm samples..

"Open one of those samples!"

The woman takes the lid off a sample.

"DRINK ONE!"

"Excuse me? You want me to drink it?"

"Yeah, drink it now!"

The woman, frightened, picks up the sample and drinks it down. The man then removes his ski mask and says:

"You see you can do it Wendy, you just don't want to."

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A 70 year old, an 80 year old, and a 90 year old are sitting on a park bench...

A 70 year old, an 80 year old, and a 90 year old are sitting on a park bench.
The 70 year old says,
"Man... It SUCKS being old... I'd do anything to take a healthy piss again!"
The 80 year old says,
"Are you kidding? I'd do anything to take a healthy shit again!"
The 90 year old says,
"Ah, you youngsters! Take better care of your health while you still can! See, at 7:00 every morning, I take a huge, healthy piss. At 8:00 every morning, I take a huge, healthy shit... I just wish I could wake up before 9:00..."

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My wife is deathly afraid of snakes so I got her last year by placing a rubber Copperhead in her glove compartment.

She nearly shit herself! Sadly, she finally got me back today and I must admit it was pretty crafty.

She knows that every morning I have a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast so last night before she went to sleep she fucked my brother and emptied my bank account.

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I'm with the CIA, AMA!

But please comb your hair first, you look like shit.

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A couple are getting ready for a Halloween party.

The wife walks out with only a lemon hanging over her snatch. The husband takes one look and storms off to the kitchen and return with a potato on his dong. The wife says "what the hell" and the husband replies "well shit, if you're going as a sour puss then I'm going as a dictator"

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I saw a sign that made me shit myself.

It said 'bathroom closed'.

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3 grumpy old men are sitting on a park bench... (NSFW)

3 grumpy old men are sitting on a park bench...

First old man says "Oy, I HATE gettin' old. It's getting to now where I can't take a good healthy piss anymore!"

Second old man nods: "You ain't lyin'. Getting old sucks. Just ONCE I wish I could take a big healthy shit like I used to when I was a young man."

Third old man shrugs and says, "Well, fellas I gotta say...every morning - regular - right at 6 o'clock - I take a nice, long piss. And every morning at 7:00 - like clockwork - I take a really big healthy shit...

I sure wish I could wake up before eight."

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What's the difference between a poorly baked pastry dish and a cash-grabbing prick?

One's a shit pie and the other's Ajit Pai.

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What do the mafia and vaginas have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

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Son - "Mom, don't get scared but I'm calling you from the hospital..."

Mom - "Son you've been a doctor for 4 years, and you still go on with that shit."

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Me: *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

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How many animals can you fit in a pair of pantyhose?

A couple calves,
an ass,
ten little piggies,
a beaver,
a shit load of hares,
and a fish that no one can seem to find!

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Doctor prescribed me LSD for my constipation

Thought it was a strange until on the way home i saw a dragon and shit myself

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Why don't blind people clean up their guide dogs' poop? .

Because they can't see shit

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A koala is sitting in a tree...

... and smoking a joint when a lizard sees him. "Hey man, what are you doing?" asks the lizard. "Nothing, just smoking some weed!", says the koala. "Can I have some?", asks the lizard. "Sure!" says the koala and lets the lizard have a few hits. They sit on the tree, smoking some weed and shooting the shit when the lizard's mouth starts to get dry. "Hey man, I'm going to drink some water because my mouth is getting dry", says the lizard. He then climbs down and goes down to the river to get a drink. A crocodile sees him drinking and asks him "Hey man, why are your eyes so red?" The lizard says "Oh, I was just smoking some weed!" The crocodile then asks the lizard where he got the weed from and the lizard says "I got it from the koala over in that tree." So while the lizard is drinking water, the crocodile walks over to the tree, looks up and yells "Hey man, can I get some of that weed?". The koala looks down, pauses for a bit and says "HOLLLLLLLLYYYY FUUUUUUUUUUCK DUDE! HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?!"

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Why don't they let blind people sky dive?

It scares the shit out the dogs.

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What did the left ass cheek say to the right ass cheek?

Together, we can stop this shit!

From my 11 year old son

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I asked my wife for anal..

Fuck that shit she said... "Thats the spirit" I said!!

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When women remove the polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye

But when hitler does it, everyone loses their shit

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BBC's Sherlock got cancelled

Shit, no Sherlock.

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I hate it when you hold the door open for people

And all they can say is, "Oh fucking hell, I can see you having a shit!"

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A priest is taking a cab home from church

A priest is taking a cab home from church after a long day of services. It's night and it's raining heavily. Suddenly the taxi hits a pothole. The driver mutters under his breath "Fuck!" Seconds later, they hit another pothole and the driver says "Shit!" The priest has finally had enough,

"Son, don't use these words, they anger our Good Lord. Say for instance, 'Lord help us'"

The cabbie reluctantly agrees. As they drive on, they hit a really big pothole and the entire wheel falls off! The cabbie remembering the priest's words says "Lord help us!" Suddenly, the wheel stops, rolls back, and snaps back on!

"What the fuck?" said the priest.

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A guy picks up a beautiful blonde girl and takes her back to his place...

They have wild passionate sex and lay there panting when it's all over. All of a sudden, she sits up all scared.

"Wait! We should have used a condom! You don't have AIDS, do you!?"

The guy says, "No. I'm clean."

"Whew," the blonde girl says. "Good thing. I sure wouldn't want to catch that shit twice!"

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A man is sitting at the bar, hammered drunk...

all of a sudden he throws up all down the front of his shirt.

"Ah shit my wife's going to kill me" the man yells.

The bar tender takes pity on the man and decides to help him out "don't worry mate, just tuck a $20 note in your top pocket and say a drunk at the bar threw up on you, then paid for you to clean your shirt."

The man thinks that's a great idea and heads off home. Sure enough his wife is waiting for him at the front door.

"Look at the state of you! You're fucking hammered and you've thrown up all over yourself..."

The man interrupts her "It wasn't me! It was some other guy next to me at the bar. Look he popped $20 in my pocket for the cleaning."

"But you've got $40 in your pocket"

"Well yeah he shat in my pants as well"

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My grief counselor died last week.

Luckily, he was so good I didn't give a shit.

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They say that dog is mans best friend ...

... but I don't have enemies that stare me directly in the eye whilst taking a shit on my carpet

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Shot my first turkey today.

Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen foods section.

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Interviewer: What's your greatest strength?

Interviewer: What's your greatest strength?

Potential employee: Shape shifting.

Interviewer: Really?

Interviewer: Yes.

Interviewer: Shit.

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A trucker is driving his rig at night

He's on the phone to one of his mates. At one point he asks:

"Fred, what would you say is the height of the largest type of penguin?"

"That's a really weird question Tom, but I guess around 120cm"

"Ah... are you sure? Not tall as say, a human?"

"I wouldn't say so Tom, seems pretty unlikely"

"Ah, shit... I guess I just ran over a Nun then.."

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I bought my son a trampoline for his birthday...

But all the little shit did was sit in his wheelchair and cry.

PS:Not sure if this one has been on here before or not, a friend told it to me and I thought it should go here.

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A priest goes golfing

He tees up on the first hole, takes a swing, and the ball curves to the right. "Ah shit," the priest says before he realized what slipped out of his mouth. He quickly covers his mouth, apologizes to god, and continues playing golf.

A couple holes down, he tees up and the ball curves hard to the left. "Ah shit," the priest yells again.

The sky gets dark and a voice is heard above.

"You are supposed to set an example, watch your language!"

A couple holes down, the priest misses a terribly easy putt. "Shit shit shit!" The priest yells as he breaks his putter.

The sky gets even darker than before, and a lightning bolt comes down and strikes the caddie.

The voice in the sky goes, "Ah shit."

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An Officer is on patrol in L.A.

When he sees a driver fail to stop at a Stop sign.
He chases after the guy and pulls him over.

Officer: "Sir. Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Driver: "No."
Officer: "You failed to stop at the Stop sign back there."
Driver: "I slowed down, what's the big difference?"

The Officer drags the man out of his car, pulls out his baton and starts beating the shit out of him while yelling:
"DO YOU WANT ME TO SLOW DOWN OR STOP?"

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A Shark and his Son

A shark and his son are swimming around in the water when they see some scuba divers.
The young shark says to his father, " let's go eat them".

The father tells his son, " this is not the way of sharks. First we swim around them three times, then we eat them"

The son asks, " why do we swim around them three times first."

The father retorts "Because humans taste alot better without the shit in them"

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So, I have a black girlfriend now

Burnt the shit out of my hand on the stove...

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A beautiful woman goes to see her doctor

After describing her symptoms, the doctor diagnoses her and recommends a suppository to treat her illness. The woman is uneasy about this and doctor offers to help her with it.

The next day the woman asks her husband for help with her suppository. She bends over, he places one hand on her shoulder and inserts the suppository into her.

"SHIT!" the woman screams. "Fuck!"

"I'm so sorry, honey. Did I hurt you?" the husband is frantic with worry.

"No." the woman replies. "I just realized that when the doctor did it he had both hands on my shoulders"

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I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59 PM and the clock struck midnight....

I thought to myself, "Same shit, different day"

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I'll never forget my grandfather's last words...

"Stop shaking the goddamn ladder you little shit!"

Oh grandpa.

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Just crapped myself in an elevator

Took that shit to a whole new level.

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I was walking through an arts and crafts shop when I saw a sign saying, "Glue Sticks."

I thought, "No shit..."

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I'll never forget my grandfather's last words..

"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit"

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An asshole, a money hoarder, and a bag of shit walk into a bar

the bartender says "what would you like today Mr. Pai?"

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I once swallowed a piece of string and it came out tied.

I shit you knot.

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A mother shark is teaching her young how to eat humans.

"First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"

"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"

"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the shit still inside?"

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On the outside I might appear to be an emotionless, sarcastic piece of shit

But like an onion, when you peel back the layers you find more of the same shit and start to cry.

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Why don't blind people go skydiving?

Because it scares the shit out of their dogs.

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Two men went to the barbers for a shave......

They were both almost done when the barber reached for the aftershave when the first man said Don't put that shit on meβ€š my wife will think I've been in a whore house.

The other man then turned to his barber and said you can put it on me β€š my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whore house smells like.

Edit-words

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Guy: I buried my wife 2 days ago! Friend: Shit! I'm sorry, man. When did she die?

Guy:Probably sometime yesterday

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What are the best Shit puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Shit? Well, here are the best jokes about Shit to have fun with.

Joko Jokes