The Best 97 Shit Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Shit jokes. There are some shit fuck jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these shit faeces puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Shit Jokes and Puns

Probably the shittiest dad joke I've ever heard

Mom: honey, the can opener is broken, can you help me?

Dad: guess you can call it a can't opener.

I was sitting on the toilet, angry and late for work.

I was thinking, " I don't have time for this shit!".

A mother shark is teaching her young one how to eat humans.....

"First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"

"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"

"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the shit still inside?"

Shit joke, A mother shark is teaching her young one how to eat humans.....

A nurse takes a rectal thermometer out of her pocket.

She says, "Shit, some arsehole has my pen!"

I asked my boss if I can have the day off due to severe constipation

He said no because I'm full of shit


Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated

When I told him this, he said, 'Are you kidding me?'.

I said, 'I shit you not.'

Mind Your Words...

In a packed auditorium, a hypnotist hypnotized the whole audience with a Pendulum.
Suddenly, the Pendulum fell down.
He said "SHIT"...
It took 3 Days to clean the whole auditorium...

Shit joke, Mind Your Words...

My mutant power

professor x: Whats your mutant power

me: I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try [points up] two pulls

professor x: [Stands up and pulls twice] not bad, but not a power

me: I'm kidding i can heal paraplegics

professor x: [Still standing] holy shit

You know if you Poo on the toilet at 11:59 pm...

then at 12:01 am, its just the same shit , different day.....

Hitler is sitting in hell with Stalin and Satan chatting...

Satan asks them if either of them have any regrets.

Hitler: You know, I do.

Stalin + Satan: Really?!?!

Hitler: Yea, you know if I could do it all over again, I'd kill 6 million jews and a dog.

Satan: What?

Stalin: Why a dog?

Hitler: See! I told you no one gives a shit about the jews!

A Christian once asked me if I had found Jesus...

I said "holy shit, you guys lost him again?"

You can explore shit tiles reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean shit shat dad jokes. There are also shit puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


My new party trick...

I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together.

I shit you knot.

Sean Connery was very rude to his guests, and treated his driver terribly

I went to his house once and he didn't even offer me a seat. He just kept asking if I wanted to shit on his chauffeur

What's similar between a pregnant 15 year old girl and the fetus inside of her?

They're both thinking; "oh shit my mom's gonna kill me"

"You're still constipated, aren't you Watson?"

"No shit, Sherlock."

I was installing a light in the attic today, when I slipped off a joist and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling. It scared the shit out of my girlfriend.

I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August.

Shit joke, I was installing a light in the attic today, when I slipped off a joist and put my foot right throug

What's the difference between 100,000 political jokes and a kid falling off a bike.

I still laugh every time I see a kid fall off a bike....
(For real this shit just ain't funny anymore fellas.)

Why don't people like to hit a Trump Pinata?

Because they know it's full of shit.

What's the difference between a northern and a southern fairytale?

A northeren fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins"Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."


I've been taking care of my elderly grandfather and he asked me to come tie his shoes while he was on the toilet

I said, "you can't be serious"

He said, "I shit, you knot"

I lost my sense of taste and think I have COVID!!!!

Oh shit. It's just Bud Light, I'm ok.

What's common between owning a cat and voting?

Checking a box for a piece of shit.

One time i was at a bar

A lady asked me if alcoholics run in my family

i said "No but they stumble around and break shit"

A roman soldier was looking at his shadow

"Oh shit, I'm late!"

Guy dies and goes to hell.

Satan meets him and tells him he's got to pick between 2 rooms. They go into the first room, and it's full of people standing on their heads on a marble floor. He takes him to the second room, and it's full of people sitting in an 18-inch deep layer of shit, drinking coffee. Guy figures that he likes coffee, and he'll get used to the smell, so he chooses the second room. He gets a cup of coffee, sits down and takes a sip. At that moment, Satan sticks his head back in the room and calls out Ok, everybody. Coffee break's over. Back on your heads!

I was in Mexico last weekend enjoying what the entertainment has to offer....

...ended up going to this magic show that was highly recommended. The Magician came on stage and started the show with a disappearing act. He said "Pay close attention as I will vanish into thin air on the count of three"

He started counting... "uno....dos..."

And sure as shit he disappeared without a Tres.

My housemates are full of shit.

Refusing to pay rent, making up excuses about hauntings.

I've lived here for hundreds of years. Not seen a single ghost.

Marriage is like a fart

If you force it, it's shit.

What's the difference between a sniper with bad eyesight and a constipated owl?

One shoots but doesn't hit and the other hoots but doesn't shit.

People tell me we should be preserving endangered species.

But you offer someone a jar of your pickled panda and they lose their shit.

What's the difference between racists and bucket of shit?

The bucket.

2 hunters chat about their hunting stories

2 hunters talk about what has happened to them and the first one says... "Once, when I was in Africa and I was hunting I feel something is behind me... so I turn around and see a huge lion right behind me ...so I start running in order to escape but it was getting closer and closer but when it just about to get me … the lion just slipped and fell on the ground so I escaped." the second hunter then ask him in awe "and how the hell you didn't shit yourself mate? so he replies "what you think the lion slipped on ?"

Arguing against an idiot is like playing chess against a pigeon

You strategically think of all the moves and you have the intelligence to win, but they will just shit on all the pieces and then strut around as if they'd won

Which insect is the best at what it does?

Most people think ants or bees, but ya know...flies have really been on top of shit lately

Brother's acting all high and mighty now that he has COVID

Thinks his shit don't stink

Do alcoholics run in your family?

No but they stumble around and break shit.

Three men on a bike

Three men were travelling on the same bike when they were caught by a policeman.
"Don't you know it's illegal for more than 2 people to travel on a bike? Why are there three of you?"

"Three?! Shit, where's James?!"

Roses are dead, Violets are dead

I'm shit at gardening.

I met my wife at the zoo.

The moment I saw her there, dressed head to toe in khaki and covered in animal shit, I knew she was a keeper.

I once ate a wool scarf.

I shit ewe knot.

Three nuns are talking.

The first nun says, you would never believe what i discovered.

Intrigued, the other to signal her to continue. " i found a phone in the priests room." said the first nun.

oh that's nothing." said the second one, "i found condoms in one of his drawers." said the second one.

" what did u do with them?" said the first nun.

The second nun responds with pride ," I poked **holes** in all of them."

The third nun screams, oh shit..."

A man gets pulled over for swerving

Officer says, "sir do you know why I pulled you over?"

*"I have no clue". The man replied.*

"Have you been drinking, sir?"

*"Not any alcoholic drinks, officer".*

"Then what is that in your cup holder?"

"*that's a half-drank Smirnoff Ice.*"

"I thought you said you didn't drink any alcohol tonight?"

"*No, officer. I said I haven't had any "alcoholic drinks". All of my friends are alcoholics and not a single one of them drinks that shit."*

OC

Did you hear about the swear word ranking ceremony?

Shit went down

A music teacher walks into a bar

As he is very upset he sees only one person sitting at the bar, who is actually a student of his.

He asks angry: "Are you the little shit who keyed music notes on my car?!"

The student says: "Yes, but why are you so mad? The damage appears to B minor."

I was taking a shit, when it hit me...

Kinda sucks, being an astronaut.

What did the drummer name their daughters?

Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3. They were shit at making names.

Why don't blind people go skydiving?

It scares the shit out of their dogs.

Constipation

Same shit different day

My friend said he saw a nocturnal mammal defecate in a French River

I told him that's bat shit in Seine

I asked my daughter if she knew what today was.

To my suprise she said presidents day.

I asked her if she knew why we celebrate presidents day.

She said that its the day the president walks out of the white house and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of bull shit.

A woman gets on an Elevator with a Man

The Woman says "TGIF"
So the man says "SHIT"
The woman again says "TGIF"
And again the man says "SHIT"
So finally the woman explains TGIF means Thank God Its Friday
And the man says SHIT means Sorry Honey Its Thursday

Me: Mom, this is my girlfriend

Mom: Do you actually want to date this useless piece of shit?


Me: Ma, she is a very nice person!


Mom: I wasn't talking to you.

6000 languages in the world

And you chose to talk shit

I'll never forget the last words my uncle said to me before he passed...

"Stop shaking the ladder, you little shit!"

Did you hear about the guy who mixed up sandpaper and toilet paper?

His woodworking looked like shit.

My wife was in the garden.

She started yelling to me.

Her: There are two spiders here, "is that a mummy longlegs

under the daddy longlegs.?

Me: No don't be silly there are no mummy longlegs only daddy longlegs. "I felt pretty proud of myself with my answer.

Until she stomps on both spiders, "Well we are not having any of that gay shit in our garden.

Pavlov walks into a bar

Pavlov walks into a bar. He hears the cash register ring and he says:

"Shit, I forgot to feed my dogs."

I Think My Toilet Has Anger Issues

Whenever I flush it, it completely loses its shit.

Kick me out after this one

So if you go for a shit at 11:59pm and you still on it at 12:01am does that literally mean it's same shit different day?

Genie: You get one wish.

Me: I wish for mor-

Genie: No wishing for more wishes.

Me:

Genie:

Me: I wish for more genies.

Genie: Holy shit.

All the new genies: Holy shit.

My sexy neighbor told me her underwear keeps going missing from her clothes line and that shes going to report it to the police.

I almost shit her pants

Why is Love/dating much like a fart?

Because if you have to force it, its probably shit anyway.

I once had to pretend that i was taking a shit, so I dropped a bottle of soap in the toilet

It was a shampoo.

I beat a chess grandmaster in only three moves

Turns out he's pretty shit at karate.

I've realised that I can speak to the dead

A shame really, since they can't hear me for shit

My teacher recently said that she has constipation

So I was like: "No shit?"

I was very proud of myself today.

I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's.


His mom beat the shit out of me.

One day a teacher was reading the story of the three little pigs to her class

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building material for his home.

She read, . . . And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may i have some of that straw to build a house?'

The teacher paused, then asked the class, And what do you think that man said?

One little boy raised his hand and said, I think he said, 'HOLY SHIT! A TALKING PIG!?!'

Take good care of your ass

It's your only body part that gives a shit

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning."

He replied, "No, just having a shit."

Jimmy was racing his friends to the nearest tree

"Last one there's a piece of shit!" one of the older kids said.

This motivated Jimmy. He was set on winning.

He would not be deterred.

A man gets on a plane and sits next to a uniform cop

The man has the biggest shit eating grin on his face.

Half way though the flight, the cop has had enough of the grinning man and says "what's the big deal buddy? Never seen a cop on a plane before?"

"No sir, it's not that. You're the reason my wife will finally let me do that ONE thing in bed."
Puzzled, the cop asks why.

"Well, my wife said we could do that only when pigs fly"

Word of the day...Exhaustipated (adj)

Too tired to give a shit.

I'll never forget the last words my Grandfather said to me...

"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit!"

Give a man a cake and he will eat it

Give a reddittor a cake and he will farm the ever lasting shit out of it

What did the over-fertilized plant say to the farmer?

>!"I'm fed up with the shit you've been giving me."!<

What's the difference between a project manager and a person who poops?

The person pooping gets shit done.

My friend regularly takes anti-diarrhea pills and claims it increases his work productivity, due to reduced trips to the restroom daily.

I think he's full of shit.

I was sitting on an automatic toilet when it malfunctioned and abruptly flushed underneath me…

Scared the shit outta me.

My wife hates it when I quote old movies incorrectly

But frankly, my dear, I don't give a shit!

Knock knock

-Knock knock

-Who's there?

-Grandpa!

-Oh shit, stop the funeral!

(Gary Delaney joke)

A married couple is fighting

A married couple is fighting when the wife says, I don't want you in this house anymore, pack your shit and get out. Husband starts packing as the wife is still nagging him. The husband opens the door to leave and just as he is walking out the wife says, I hope you die a slow and painful death you son of a bitch . The husband stops and says, I don't understand, do you want me to stay

Cardboard is a lot like 1-ply toilet paper. It's not really good at absorbing,

But it's really good at moving shit around.

My grief counselor just died

He was so good, I didn't give a shit.

I can swallow two pieces of string and when they come out the other end, they'll be tied together!

I shit you knot!

I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine...!!

The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had!!

Two conspiracy theorists die and go to heaven...

God: welcome to the St. Peter's Gates. With my omniscient knowledge, I can tell you anything you wish to know.

Conspiracy Theorist 1: Who won the 2020 US Presidential Election?

God: Joseph R. Biden

Conspiracy Theorist 2: \*Looks at his friend\* shit dude, this goes even deeper than we thought

Two policemen are walking down the street and they find a mirror.

First one picks it up, looks at it and says: "Holy shit man, this dude looks so familiar."
Other one looks at it and says: "Man you're right! We better take this to the captain!"
When they come to the police station they show the mirror to the captain and ask him if he knows this man. Captain: "Of course i know him! He always sits opposite of me at the barber shop."

Two condoms are walking down the street.

And they pass a gay bar
One of them turns to the other and says.
Do you want to go in and get shit faced

I was sitting on a bus behind a mother and her young son.

The kid kept looking around and pulling funny faces at me. After a few minutes, I got tired of his antics...
So I said," When I was young, my mother told me that if I made an ugly face I'd stay that way."
To that the little shit replied " Well, you can't say you weren't warned."

What do you call a constipated British detective from the 19th century?

No shit Sherlock

To the people that have 5 different toilets:

Get your shit together.

My wife says I'm emotionally constipated.

But I've not given a shit for years.

Why are pipefitters successful?

They know how to get their shit together.

I'm constipated, Mr. Holmes.

So then you haven't been able to move your bowels, Dr. Watson?

Yes, no shit Sherlock.

What do you call a bad Gastroenterologist?

Shit for brains

Why don't blind people cleaning up after their dog?

Because they can't see shit

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the shit defecate jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working shit fuckin piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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