shit Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious shit puns

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

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The word asparagus is funny.

It sounds like an Italian guy begging you not to kill someone named Gus.

I'm sorry. I'm high as shit and just ate some asparagus. My first original joke.

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A man is walking through a graveyard when he sees another man squatting next to a grave. "Morning!" he calls out.

"No, just having a shit!"

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Asian guy walks into a bar

He sits down at the the bar and start drinking a beer. The guy next to him ask: you know kung fu or karate or any or this shit? The asian guy replies: why you ask this, is because I chinese? The other guy replies no it's because you're drinking my fucking beer.

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I saw a sign that made me shit myself

It said "Bathroom closed"

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I have to tell my girlfriend that I don't like the fetish she's into...

But first I need to get some shit off my chest.

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This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.

Yesterday, he brought his dog along.

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Doc, I ate one of those 'Do not Eat' silica packets. Am I going to die??

Doctor: Well, everyone is going to die eventually.

Man: Everyone?? Holy shit, what have I done?

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What does a pregnant fourteen year old and the fetus inside her have in common?

They're both thinking, Shit, my mom is gonna kill me!

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My grief counsellor died the other day..

But he was so good I didn't give a shit.

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My friend just asked me, "If you became invisible, what would you do first?"

I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat the shit out of him; the round of applause he'd get would be astounding."

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My girlfriend asked me if I had ever I peed in the shower. I said "yes, twice, but they were both accidents"

She asked "How on earth could you accidentally pee in the shower?!"
I said "Well these things tend to happen when you're taking a shit".

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My grief councillor died recently

Thankfully he was so good that I don't give a shit

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My black friend and I were in the library when he asked where the coloured printer was.

I said, "Shit, man, it's 2018. You can use whatever printer you want."

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An Interview

INTERVIEWER: What's your greatest strength?

ME: Shapeshifting

INTERVIEWER: Is that so?

INTERVIEWER: Yes

INTERVIEWER: Holy shit

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A shark and his son go looking for a snack...

The father says, "I'm going to teach you how to catch a human. First you raise your fin out of the water and start circling, then you go in and eat them."

"Why circle them?" asks the son.

The father replies, "They taste better without shit in them."

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My dick is so long if I laid it on the keyboard it would stretch all the way from A to Z

Wait... Shit...

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I call my weed The Quran.

Because burning that shit will get you stoned!

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My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.

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A man walks into a bar and orders nine shots of jaegermeister.

"Why are you ordering so many?" asks the barman?

"I just had my first blowjob" says the man.

"Well shit, congratulations, have a tenth one on me!"

"Thanks, but if nine doesn't get rid of the taste, nothing will".

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A readhead tells her blonde step-sister "I slept with 2 Brazilian guys last night!"

The blonde replies, "Holy shit, you slut! How many is a Brazilian?"

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4/20 is my favorite day to skip work, grab a pipe, head down to the park, and

beat the shit out of hippies.

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Pavlov is sitting in a bar when the phone rings.

All of a sudden he jumps up and yells: "Shit! I forgot to feed the dogs!"

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A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving.

The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says :

"Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"

The drunk says "No shit, that's why I took my car!"

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What do vaginas and the mafia have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

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My girlfriend asked me if I ever take a piss while in the shower.

My girlfriend asked me if I had ever pissed in the shower.

I said, "Yeah, a couple of times, accidentally."

She said, "That's disgusting! What do you mean accidentally?!"

"Hey," I said, "these things happen when you're taking a shit."

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My wife told me this in the car the other day. Thought you might enjoy!

Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit.

Me: Who?

Wife: My butt cheeks.

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I was given MDMA and LSD tonight...

What a shit way to start a game of Scrabble.

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"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Holy shit this blew up

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I saw Denzel Washington on the street today.

I said "Hey Denzel! Can I get a picture with you?"
And he's all like "I'm not Denzel Washington you racist piece of shit."
Classic Denzel.

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What do the mafia and a pussy have in common?

One slip of tongue, and you're in deep shit.

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I met this girl the other day and she

took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.

I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.

Oh shit , it's my boyfriend ! she exclaimed Quick, use the backdoor .

Now it's at about this time I probably should have left.....
......but you just don't get an offer like that every day.

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Did you hear about the depressed plumber?

He's been going through some shit

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My neighbor asked if I knew anything about the missing clothes from her clothes line

I almost shit her pants

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Which country has the loosest regulations on incest?

Oh shit this isn't Google

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What are the most funny Shit jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Shit? Well, here are the best Shit dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Shit pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes