Ships Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Ships puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Ships

Every cook has a secret

The Admiral was visiting one of his ships. When having tea he noticed that every biscuit has the ship's insignia embossed on it.

He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.

Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven.

Admiral: That's pretty unhygienic.

Cook: In that case sir, I'd suggest you skip the doughnuts.

Why does the Norwegian military have barcodes on its ships?

So when they return to the harbor they can Scandinavian.

Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on the sides of their ships?

So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.

TIL: The Norwegian Navy have started to put barcodes on their ships.

So they can Scan da navy in

Effective immediately, the navy is only conscripting non-swimmers.

They defend the ships much more eagerly.

I just saw a documentary on how ships are kept together.

It was riveting.

A pirate walks into a bar...

...with a ships wheel on his crotch. One of the patrons says "Hey, you knw you got a ships wheel on your crotch, right?" To which the pirate replies "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts!"

Why do all Swedish military ships have bar codes on them?

So when the come to port, they can just Scan da navy in!

What do sea monsters like to eat?

Fish and ships

Why does ISIS call camels "Ships of the Desert"?

Because they are full of ISIS seamen.

I watched a documentary about how ships are kept together.

Riveting

Why does the new French navy have glass bottom ships?

So they can see the old French navy.

Last night I watched a documentary on how they put ships together...

It was riveting!

A captain and his crew...

A crew mate runs to his captain "Captain! Captain! There is an enemy ship on the horizon! What do we do?" The captain replies "Grab me my red shirt." "Why?" The crew mate asks. "So that my crew doesn't see me bleeding from the battle." The captain replies. Another guy runs up "Captain! Captain! I have an update there are 7 more ships what should I do?" "Go get me my brown pants."

A Sea Captain looks through his telescope

and sees ships approaching on the horizon. He says to his first mate "Arrrr Matey, fetch me me red shirt".

"But why, Captain?" the Mate says.

"If these be enemies and we must defend our ship I don't want me men to see me bleed".

The mate fetches the shirt as the Captain looks out again, this time seeing a fleet of Pirate Ships gaining on them. He turns to the first mate again:

"Arrr Matey, fetch me me brown pants".

Breaking News: A ship carrying red paint just collided with a ship carrying purple paint, in the South China Sea.

Authorities report that the crews of both ships are marooned

What does both a cannon and canon have in common?

They can both kill ships.

Why won't black people board cruise ships?

We're not falling for that bullshit again.

You know what a krakens favorite meal is?

Fish and ships

Navy biscuits

An Admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.

The Chief replied, "I'd be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia.

Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"

The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, If that's the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."

Why did the sea monster eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.

My favorite pirate joke

A pirate walks into a bar with a huge wooden ships wheel stuck down the front of his pants, as he waddles up to the bar the bartender asks, "Hey, doesn't that thing bother you?"
To which the pirate replies, "Gaarrrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"

Pirate Joke

While out at sea, a first mate runs to the captain and saying "Captain! There are ten enemy ships on the horizon!"

The Captain responds "Aye! Bring me my red shirt."

The Captain puts the shirt on and battle ensues. After a few hours, they emerge from the fight victorious. The first mate asks "Why did you need your red shirt?"

The captain replies "Because if i was wounded in battle, the crew wouldn't notice and would continue without me."

A few weeks later, the first mate runs frantically to the captain saying "Captain, there are 100 enemy ships on the horizon! What are we to do?

"Get me my brown pants!"

A boat in the Atlantic ocean was starting to sink...

... The captain gathered everyone and said "OK everyone, it looks like we are going down, does anyone know how to pray?" One of the ships crew members sitting in the back raises his hand and Hays "yes captain I know how to pray." The captain responds "OK well you start praying and everyone else put a life jacket on, we're short one jacket."

Another joke from my 95 year old grandpa.

A Pirate ship is out at sea.

One of the crew runs up to the captain and yells

"There is an enemy ship approaching!"

"Fetch me my red shirt" says the captain.

"Why?"

"Because then they will not know if I am bleeding!"

They fight and fight and win the battle. The next day, the crewmember yells

"two enemy ships are approaching!"

"Bring me my red shirt!" calls the captain once more. So they fight, and once again win.

One day, a crewmember runs up to the captain yet again.

"Sir! There are 10 enemy ships approaching! We're surrounded!"

So the captain yells "Bring me my brown pants!"

Biscuits & Doughnuts

An Admiral visits one of the ships under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the US Naval Insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command. The cook replied, "Well Admiral, after each one is cut out I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the insignia".

Horrified, the Admiral exclaims "That's very unhygienic!"

The cook shrugs and replies "In that case sir, I'd suggest you skip the Doughnuts".

Mama whale and Papa whale ...

... swim and look upon sailors coming towards them. The sailors are on small boats and have their spear in hand.

Papa whale says to mama whale:

-"They're hunting us, we should make bubbles and tip them over."

The mama whale agrees. They dive underneath the ships and blow so many bubbles that the ships capsize and the sailors fall into the water, but they still have their spears in their hands. Papa whale is still weary.

He says to mama whale:

-"We should eat them".

Mama whale says:

-"Listen, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing seamen."

Why did the Italian Navy make their ships with glass bottoms?

So they could see the old Italian Navy!

A captain is on a boat with his first mate.

The first mate says "Sir there's an enemy ship on the horizon!" and the captain says, "bring me my red shirt so you cannot see me bleed." They survive the battle and a while later the first mate says "Sir there's three enemy ships on the horizon!" and again the captain says, "bring me my red shirt so you cannot see me bleed." And again they survive the battle. A year later the ship mate comes to the captain once more and says "SIR! THERE ARE ONE HUNDRED ENEMY SHIPS ON THE HORIZON!" and the captain calmly says "Bring me my brown pants...

Why did the sea monster eat twelve ships that were carrying potatoes?

Because nobody can eat just one potato ship!

Why does rhe Norwegian navy have barcodes on their ships

So they can scan-da-navy-in...

Why wasn't the giant squid terrorising ships last night?

He was too busy Kraken open a cold one with the buoys!

A pirate captain is about to pillage a Royal Navy ship.

He calls to his aide, "Bring me my red coat!" When the aide asks why, he says, "If I get shot, the men won't see it and will keep on fighting." The aide praises the captain's intelligence and fetches the jacket. Then, as soon as they are about to attack, a lookout yells, "Captain, we just realized that there are in fact 20 ships!" The captain suddenly goes very pale and calls, "Bring me my brown pants."

An Admiral visited one of the ships under his command.

While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.

The Chief replied, "I'd be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia."

Horrified, the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"

The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, if that's the way you feel, Sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."

I'll be turning off my lights this Halloween and pretend I'm not in...

Screw the ships, my lighthouse, my rules.

Why did the Norwegian navy put barcodes on their ships?

So they could scan da Navy in.

A security guard starts working at the docks...

...and at the end of the day he sees a worker leaving, pushing a wheelbarrow full of straw.

The security guard is suspicious that the man is stealing from the ships, but after searching through the straw, he can't find anything more than old straw for the man's garden. The next day the same thing happens and again he can't find any stolen goods in the wheelbarrow, just straw.

Over the next 4 years this happens every single day, and the security guard never stops suspecting the man of stealing, until one day the man leaves with no wheelbarrow.

The security guard asks him why he has no wheelbarrow today and the man says it's because this is his last day, he's retiring. The security guard can't contain his curiosity and begs the man to tell him what he's been stealing all these years.

The man replies: Wheelbarrows.

A pirate goes to the doctor

A doctor walks into his exam room and is greeted with a strange sight: a pirate captain with a ships steering wheel protruding from his waistline. The doctor says "Well, I'm not sure what you came in here for, but I think we should start by addressing the steering wheel down your pants."

The pirate nods fervently, and says "Yarr, it's been drivin' me nuts!"

A pirate and his crew

A captain and his pirate crew would always go out to battle against groups of ships of 4 or 5.
Before he does, he always says to his crew, Someone, get me my red suit!
He would do this before every battle.

Then one day, one if his crew would say, O' Captain, why do you always wear your red suit to battle?
He would respond with, That way, if I get hurt and bleed, no one would notice it.
His crew, upon hearing this, were quite impressed.
The next day the captain went out to battle and saw 100 ships all aimed at him

Someone get me my brown pants.

what did Spock find in the ships lavatory?

the captain's log

The Captain

A long time ago there was this captain on his boat with his crew, sailing the high seas when they spotted a pirate ship. Before the battle began, the captain shouted, "Bring me my red shirt!" It was a long fight but the captain and his men were victorious. The next day three pirate ships appeared. The captain cried, "Bring me my red shirt!" and they proceeded to defeat the three pirate ships. Later on, as the crew was resting and tending to their wounds, an ensign asked the captain why he always wore that red shirt. The captain replied "I wear the red shirt so that if I'm wounded, no one will see the blood. That way everyone will continue to fight on unafraid." The crew was moved by this great display of courage.

The next day, ten pirate ships were spotted. The men looked to their captain, waiting for his command. Calm as ever, the captain cried out, "Bring me my brown pants."

My dad got me with this one earlier.

"So, you know how ships from America are USS whatever, right? Well, that stands for United States Ship. In England, they use HMS. And that means Her Majesty's Ship. In Italy, though, they use AMB. Know what that means?"

"What?"

"ATTSA MY BOAT!"

A pirate walks into a bar

with a ships wheel down the front of his pants. The bartender says, "Hey mate, what's with the wheel?" The pirate responds, "Arg, it's driving me nuts!"

Baby camel talking to daddy camel

"Dad, why have we got these humps?"

"Well, my son, we are the ships of the desert, we fill them up with water and can walk for hundreds of miles across the desert wastes"

"Dad, Why have we got big feet?"

"Well son, we are kings of the desert, but the desert sand are soft and treacherous, and we need wide feet to avoid sinking as we labor across the dunes"

"Dad, why have we got thick coats?"

"Well, my son, it is bitterly cold at night in the deserts, and we need thick coats to protect us from biting wind and fierce sandstorms"

"Dad...?"

"Yes son..?"

"Why do we live in the New York Zoo?"

The Swedish Navy started painting barcodes in the side of their ships.

That way when they get back to port they can Scandinavian.

Why are yachts and ships so scary?

Because they're for boating.

What did the sea monster have for dinner?

Fish and ships.

English ships start with HMS, United states with USS... what about Italian ships?

AMB.

It's stands for, 'Atsa Ma Boat!'

Why are submarines more dangerous than regular ships?

They're built with sub-standard materials.

Why is Denmark putting giant bar codes on all of their ships?

So as they come back to port, they can scandinavian.

An admiral is going to battle...

An admiral is going to battle, he meets with his most trusted man and asks how many enemy ships he can see in the horizon
The man replies "sir, i see 2 ships in the distance"
The admiral then tells him to bring him his red coat so that his sailors couldn't see his blood during the battle
The man then brings the coat to the admiral and says to him "sir, now i see 20 enemy ships in the distance"
The admiral watches the horizon in silence for a couple seconds and says "bring me my brown pants"

Scandinavia has a bar code on all of their battleships to keep track of them.....

When the ships enter the harbor, they scan-da-navy-in.

I read a book about how they used to build ships.

It was riveting!

Why did the Norwegians put barcodes on all their ships?

To Scandinavian.

Two ships crashed in the night one ship was carrying red paint the other blue

The survivors were marooned

What do you call a group of pirate ships?

An Arrrrrmada

Colored Sailors

A ship loaded with blue paint collided with a ship carrying red paint.
Both ships sink.
The Sailors were marooned.

Why did the polish navy start putting glass floors on their boats?

So every time they went out to sea, they could look at their old ships.

Patrick Stewart is talking about a new Stsr Trek show he will be in. There will be a disease or attack that wipes out all officers of a certain age, leaving Starfleet without any captains. So they bring in retired admirals to captain the ships.

It will be called "Geria-

Why do Denmark, Norway, and Sweden put bar codes on the sides of their military ships?

So when they come in to port, they can just Scandinavian.

New Italian Navy

Why does the new Italian Navy use glass bottoms in their ships?

So the can see the old Italian Navy.

TIL of an incident during the Cold War when American ships, fearing a Soviet attack, nearly fired on a friendly vessel.

Whoops, wrong sub.

Why did the sea monster eat 6 ships full of potatoes?

Nobody can eat just one potato ship.

BREAKING NEWS!

Two tanker ships collided and sank in the southern Pacific Ocean yesterday. One was filled with red paint and the other, smaller tanker, was filled with blue paint. All crew members survived but now are marooned on an uninhabited island.

What does the Loch Ness Monster eat?

Fish & ships

What's the seamonster's favourite meal?

Fish & Ships

Why does Norway have barcodes on the side of their ships?

So they can Scandinavian.

Man overboard!

An Admiral was touring one of the ships in his fleet. After dinner, he ditched his escorts and walked along the weatherdecks. He came upon a seaman, and decided to ask a few questions to check the level of training aboard.

"Sailor," he asked, "what would you do if someone fell over the rail?"

"Officer or enlisted Sir?" was the instant reply.

"Um, okay, enlisted, uh, someone from your division. Yeah, one of your buds falls over the side, what would you do?"

"Call away 'Man Overboard,' toss a floatation device to him, stick by the rail and try to keep an eye on him while the ship turns and lookouts assemble. When a phone talker arrives, give information to the bridge to aid in the recovery."

"Okay, sailor, good answer. But I have to ask, what would you do if an officer fell over the side?"

The sailor leaned close, looked left and right, and asked, "Which one?"

I made a friend who liked model ships.

I sent him a secondhand model that I found at a garage sale along with my phone number. He texted me soon after:

Hey man, it's Jesus. You sent me a model ship and I really appreciate it but it's missing a part.

Is it the steering wheel?

Actually yeah. How did you know?

It fell out of the box but I didn't want to bother you with an envelope containing only the wheel. I'll come deliver it to you if that's okay.

No, man, it's one part, you don't have to!

Jesus, take the wheel.

Soiled Pirate

There once was a noble Pirate who had a very mighty crew.
One day, they spotted an enemy ship coming towards them when they were sailing.
The Pirate said "YOU! Go get me red shirt!"
So the young and rising Pirate did as the captain had said.
Then a fierce battle took place between the two ships, with the red-shirted Pirate and his crew standing tall.
Then one Pirate asked the captain "Sir, why do ye always wear a red shirt into battle?"
The captain replied "Because if I get shot the blood will not show and will not scare the courage out of me crew."
Days passed. Then one morning a young Pirate shouted from the top of the mast "SIR! 7 ENEMY SHIPS ON THE HORIZON!"
The captain then turned to another young, rising Pirate and said:
"Aye, go fetch me red shirt... and me brown pants too..."

A priest is in the middle of the ocean and refuses help from ships that are near because he believes that God is going to help him.

When he dies, he ends up in Heaven and sees God. He asks: "Why didn't you help me, God?" God replies: "What do you mean? I sent so many ships to help you!"

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes