ships Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious ships puns

Every cook has a secret

The Admiral was visiting one of his ships. When having tea he noticed that every biscuit has the ship's insignia embossed on it.

He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.

Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven.

Admiral: That's pretty unhygienic.

Cook: In that case sir, I'd suggest you skip the doughnuts.

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Why does the Norwegian military have barcodes on its ships?

So when they return to the harbor they can Scandinavian.

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The Admiral was visiting one of his ships.

When having tea he noticed that every biscuit has the ships insignia embossed on it.
He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.

Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven.

Admiral: That's pretty unhygienic

Cook: In that case Sir, I'd suggest you skip the doughnuts.

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Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on the sides of their ships?

So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.

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TIL: The Norwegian Navy have started to put barcodes on their ships.

So they can Scan da navy in

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Why don't black people go on cruise ships?

They're not falling for that again.

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Effective immediately, the navy is only conscripting non-swimmers.

They defend the ships much more eagerly.

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Why does the Norway navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?

So when they come back to port they can Scandanavian.

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I just saw a documentary on how ships are kept together.

It was riveting.

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A pirate walks into a bar...

...with a ships wheel on his crotch. One of the patrons says "Hey, you knw you got a ships wheel on your crotch, right?" To which the pirate replies "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts!"

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Why do all Swedish military ships have bar codes on them?

So when the come to port, they can just Scan da navy in!

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What do sea monsters like to eat?

Fish and ships

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Why does ISIS call camels "Ships of the Desert"?

Because they are full of ISIS seamen.

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I watched a documentary about how ships are kept together.

Riveting

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Why does the new French navy have glass bottom ships?

So they can see the old French navy.

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Last night I watched a documentary on how they put ships together...

It was riveting!

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A captain and his crew...

A crew mate runs to his captain "Captain! Captain! There is an enemy ship on the horizon! What do we do?" The captain replies "Grab me my red shirt." "Why?" The crew mate asks. "So that my crew doesn't see me bleeding from the battle." The captain replies. Another guy runs up "Captain! Captain! I have an update there are 7 more ships what should I do?" "Go get me my brown pants."

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A Sea Captain looks through his telescope

and sees ships approaching on the horizon. He says to his first mate "Arrrr Matey, fetch me me red shirt".

"But why, Captain?" the Mate says.

"If these be enemies and we must defend our ship I don't want me men to see me bleed".

The mate fetches the shirt as the Captain looks out again, this time seeing a fleet of Pirate Ships gaining on them. He turns to the first mate again:

"Arrr Matey, fetch me me brown pants".

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Breaking News: A ship carrying red paint just collided with a ship carrying purple paint, in the South China Sea.

Authorities report that the crews of both ships are marooned

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Why do Swedish ships have barcodes?

So they can Scandinavian.

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What does both a cannon and canon have in common?

They can both kill ships.

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Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on ships?

So when they return to port they can Scandinavian.

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Navy biscuits

An Admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.

The Chief replied, "I'd be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia.

Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"

The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, If that's the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."

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Why did the sea monster eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.

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My favorite pirate joke

A pirate walks into a bar with a huge wooden ships wheel stuck down the front of his pants, as he waddles up to the bar the bartender asks, "Hey, doesn't that thing bother you?"
To which the pirate replies, "Gaarrrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"

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Pirate Joke

While out at sea, a first mate runs to the captain and saying "Captain! There are ten enemy ships on the horizon!"

The Captain responds "Aye! Bring me my red shirt."

The Captain puts the shirt on and battle ensues. After a few hours, they emerge from the fight victorious. The first mate asks "Why did you need your red shirt?"

The captain replies "Because if i was wounded in battle, the crew wouldn't notice and would continue without me."

A few weeks later, the first mate runs frantically to the captain saying "Captain, there are 100 enemy ships on the horizon! What are we to do?

"Get me my brown pants!"

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A boat in the Atlantic ocean was starting to sink...

... The captain gathered everyone and said "OK everyone, it looks like we are going down, does anyone know how to pray?" One of the ships crew members sitting in the back raises his hand and Hays "yes captain I know how to pray." The captain responds "OK well you start praying and everyone else put a life jacket on, we're short one jacket."

Another joke from my 95 year old grandpa.

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A Pirate ship is out at sea.

One of the crew runs up to the captain and yells

"There is an enemy ship approaching!"

"Fetch me my red shirt" says the captain.

"Why?"

"Because then they will not know if I am bleeding!"

They fight and fight and win the battle. The next day, the crewmember yells

"two enemy ships are approaching!"

"Bring me my red shirt!" calls the captain once more. So they fight, and once again win.

One day, a crewmember runs up to the captain yet again.

"Sir! There are 10 enemy ships approaching! We're surrounded!"

So the captain yells "Bring me my brown pants!"

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Biscuits & Doughnuts

An Admiral visits one of the ships under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the US Naval Insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command. The cook replied, "Well Admiral, after each one is cut out I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the insignia".

Horrified, the Admiral exclaims "That's very unhygienic!"

The cook shrugs and replies "In that case sir, I'd suggest you skip the Doughnuts".

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Why do they call camels the ships of the desert?

they are filled with Arab semen.

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A man goes to a brothel

... and picks out a beautiful woman to be with. She leads him upstairs, perfume trailing behind her, long dark hair swishing against her perfect body. They get to a room decorated with velvet and candles and paintings of 18th century ships and she closes the door behind them. She stands in front of the door with one hand on her hip, and the other dangling loosely to her side, her satin robe open in the front and revealing a lacy corset that pushes up the most perfect breasts the man has ever seen.

Nervously, the man asks, "So... how much?"

Her voice dripping with sensuality and desire, she replies, "It's eight hundred dollars for the first hour. You can do whatever you want to me, within reason."

The man blinks, gulps, and stutters, "Eight...eight hundred dollars? Peter Minuit bought the entire island of Manhattan for only *twenty four* dollars!"

The woman replies, "Yeah, but... Manhattan just lies there."

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I saw a documentary about how ships are held together

It was riveting

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Mama whale and Papa whale ...

... swim and look upon sailors coming towards them. The sailors are on small boats and have their spear in hand.

Papa whale says to mama whale:

-"They're hunting us, we should make bubbles and tip them over."

The mama whale agrees. They dive underneath the ships and blow so many bubbles that the ships capsize and the sailors fall into the water, but they still have their spears in their hands. Papa whale is still weary.

He says to mama whale:

-"We should eat them".

Mama whale says:

-"Listen, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing seamen."

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A captain is on a boat with his first mate.

The first mate says "Sir there's an enemy ship on the horizon!" and the captain says, "bring me my red shirt so you cannot see me bleed." They survive the battle and a while later the first mate says "Sir there's three enemy ships on the horizon!" and again the captain says, "bring me my red shirt so you cannot see me bleed." And again they survive the battle. A year later the ship mate comes to the captain once more and says "SIR! THERE ARE ONE HUNDRED ENEMY SHIPS ON THE HORIZON!" and the captain calmly says "Bring me my brown pants...

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Why did the Italian Navy make their ships with glass bottoms?

So they could see the old Italian Navy!

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What are the most funny Ships jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Ships? Well, here are the best Ships dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Ships pick up lines to share with friends.

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