ship Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious ship stories

What are the best ship puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Ship? Well here is a complete list of the top ship jokes:

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. "Captain," one of the passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"

"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."

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A priest, a pastor, and a rabbi are on a sinking ship.

The pastor yells "Save the children!"

The rabbi replies "Pft, fuck the children!"

The priest says "Do you think we have time?"

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Atheism is a non-prophet organization

As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.

So he shouted out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"

Just one guy stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray."

"Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."

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A husband and Wife from the States visit the Holy Land...

During the trip the wife tragically dies. A funeral director in Israel tells the husband that she can be buried in the holy land for $500, or shipped back to the US for $4000. The husband immediately says, "Let's ship her back to the states." The funeral director asks why, when it's so much cheaper to bury her her. Husband says "Someone else came back to life after 3 days being buried here before, I'd rather not take that chance."

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Maybe the Titanic really was a ship of dreams...

and its dream was to be a submarine.

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A Sea Captain looks through his telescope

and sees ships approaching on the horizon. He says to his first mate "Arrrr Matey, fetch me me red shirt".

"But why, Captain?" the Mate says.

"If these be enemies and we must defend our ship I don't want me men to see me bleed".

The mate fetches the shirt as the Captain looks out again, this time seeing a fleet of Pirate Ships gaining on them. He turns to the first mate again:

"Arrr Matey, fetch me me brown pants".

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The story of the pirate.

A pirate walks into a bar, and the bartender notices that there is the steering wheel to a ship on the front of his pants. So the bartender, perplexed, says to him "you know that there's a steering wheel on your crotch, right?" and the pirate says "Arr! Its drivin' me nuts!"

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So I just started my own indoor ship production company.

Production was great, until sales started going through the roof.

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There's a Doctor, a lawyer, and a priest on a sinking cruise ship

The doctor says,"We have to find all the children and get them off this boat safely, after all... Children are our future." The lawyer responds, "Fuck the children," to which the priest says, "Do we have time??"

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A ship is sinking in the middle of Atlantic...

A ship is going down in the middle of Atlantic. There's no hope, the captain is desperate, and suddenly someone tells him that among the passengers, there's a rabbi who can perform miracles.

The rabbi is immediately brought to the captain, and he implores him:

-- Rabbi, what can be done?!

-- Do you still have the internet connection?

-- Yes!

-- Sell the ship!

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Hard Times

A pirate was standing on the crow's nest and then he slipped and fell. He fell through the first floor, then he fell through the second floor, then he fell through the third floor and hit the bottom floor of the ship!

The first mate comes up to him and asks "Are ye all right matey?"

The pirate replies, "Arrr, yes... I've been through hardship before!"

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British ship

So a British boat is sunk by a U-boat during world war 2
the British in distress send out the message- Help! Help! we are sinking!
the German U-boat picks up the message and says- What are you sinking about?

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The greatest harbor on Earth can shelter not a single ship...

It is truly without pier.

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What happened when Red-Beard's ship and Blue-Beard's ship crashed into each other?

They were MAROONED!

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So a magician on a cruise night has a show every night...

NOTSONINJA

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My mom told me Jesus died on a Royal Caribbean ship. But my priest insists he died on the cross.

Was that cruise a fiction?

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So a ship is sinking and the captain radios for help to a near by ship, which happens to have a German captain. He says, "Help! We're sinking, we're sinking!"

To which the German captain replies "vat are you sinking about...?"

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How do you sink a polish ship?

you put it in the water

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Why does the Coast Guard have a 6 foot height requirement?

So when their ship sinks they can walk back to shore.

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A ship sinks and 100 men and 2 women end up on a desert island

After 1 year, disgusted with what they did in the last year the women kill themselves.After another year, disgusted with what they did in the last year, the men bury them. After another year, disgusted with what they did in the last year the men dig them out.

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So a man who had been stranded on an island 7 years was finally rescued...

as the ship was pulling away from the island one of his rescuers was looking back at the island and noticed three huts on the beach. Curious, he asked the castaway what they were for. "Well" he replied "the first one there was my house and that one over there is my church" "and the other?" asked the sailor. "Oh that...thats the church I used to go to"

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my friend said he would buy me a game on steam if i can come up with a joke based on these subjects. if you guys could help! id be really appreciated! if not i understand this is asking a lot.

Russians,a Small Animal, an American,a Brazilian and a Cruise Ship. thanks in advance for anything any one comes up with!

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How many mutants do you need to take over a Ship?

5 MutantA MutantB MutantC MutantD and Mutiny

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Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are both on a sinking ship...

Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are both on a sinking ship; both of them are drowning. Who gets saved?!?

The answer: AMERICA!!!

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I got my wife tickets on a cruise ship.

It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic.

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Two Jewish banker escaped from that sinking Italian cruise ship

They were both clinging to a life preserver. One guy, knowing the other can't swim, says, " I'm going to try to swim to shore to get some help. Can you float alone?"

The second Jewish banker says, "how could you talk business at a time like this?"

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A Guy is Walking Through a Marina

He looks over and sees a Boat with AMB on the prow.

As he's thinking about it....
American ships are called USS...United States Ship
British are called HMS...Her Majesty's Ship

For the life of him he could not place what AMB would stand for.

So he calls down to the gentleman standing on the boat:
"Excuse me but what does the label "AMB" stand for?"

The guy looks up and yells, "ATSA MY BOAT!!!"

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On a sinking ship.

A rabbi, a lawyer, and a priest are on a ship. The ship springs a leak and begins to sink. As the passengers run to the lifeboats, the rabbi exclaims, "save the children!" The lawyer, in a hurry to get to a boat, says, "fuck the children!" The priest replies, "is there time?"

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A joke for pirate day.

A pirate ship's first mate comes up to the deck to find the ship's (steering) wheel missing. The first mate rushes to the captain of the ship, only to find the wheel in his pants.

The first mate asks, "Captain, did you know the ship's wheel is in your pants?"

"Aaarrrh," the pirate captain replied. "I know, it's driving me nuts!"

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where does a Finnish child molester go when his ship sinks?

Helsinki

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what do you call a snail onboard a ship?

a snailor

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Watching the news about the stricken cruise ship

And the news presenter says "she's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court". I just happened to glance at my girlfriend, and now it's all kicked off!

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Why did the ship drift off.

It's anchor was aweigh

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Italian cruise ship captain caught fleeing

The Italian captain of the tragic cruise ship incident was caught at customs trying leave the country. He disguised himself as an Italian women dressed in high heels, a red polkadot dress complete with a wig and red liptick. He was busted because he forgot to add the mustache!!

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A Sailor stands at the bar having a drink, swaying back and forth.

A Mexican man notices this, approaches the sailor and asks him'

"Ey, Mang, why you move'n back n' forth like that?"

The sailor responds "Well, I spend the past 20 years on a Naval ship at sea. I suppose my body just got used to motion"

The Mexican man replies "Okay mang, but I got thirteen kids, you don't see me a walkin' like this" (Swinging hips back and forth)

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A Pirate Captain Spots a Naval Ship On The Horizon

... He turns to his first mate and says "Get me my red shirt!". The first mate asks why and the captain replies, "If I get injured in battle I wouldn't want my crew to worry about me". The first mate nods and fetches the shirt.

The pirates engage the naval ship but soon discover it was a the flagship of a much larger naval fleet that was heading in their direction.

The captain turns to his first mate and says "Fetch me my brown pants!"

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what's the peak of bad luck

to fall off a crashing plane on a sinking ship

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There was a pirate ship...

And the man in the crow's nest looked through his scope and yelled down to the captain "ONE ship on the horizon!". The captain then said "Get me my red shirt, for if I am wounded in battle, my crew will not see me bleeding and they will fight on". The man in the crow's nest looked again yelled down to the captain "TEN ships on the horizon!!!" The captain then said "Get me my brown pants."

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My friend is an avid collector of models of famous boats. He just called up the nice lady at the local hobby shop and she was able to find him a small model of the Concordia cruise ship, but she only had the one.

She said she'd put it 'aside' for him

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Butt Pirates

I pirate captain was walking around his ship with the ships steering wheel shoved up his ass. This confused the first mate, so he went and asked the captain why the ships steering wheel was sticking out of his ass.

The captain replied:

"Argghhh matie!...It's driving me nuts."

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Three explorers

There were three explorers who were sailing the seas in search for new land. They land on a small island, but as they leave their ship, they are confronted by a group of savages and their chief.

The chief says, "You are trespassing on our holy land and for that you must pay the consequences. You are given a choice: death or kunta."

"What is kunta?" asked one of the explorers.

"Kunta is the action of being furiously penetrated with a broken tree branch," explains the chief.

"I'd rather be screwed in the ass than die," said the first explorer.

"Me too," said the second explorer.

The two were screaming in agonizing pain for ten minutes as they had tree branches shoved up and down their anal cavity.

The third explorer sees their pain and decides he never wants to endure such a gruesome action, so he exclaims loudly, "There's no way I'm going through that! I choose death!"

The chief obliges by nodding his head and says, "Very well. Death...by kunta!"

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Pirate captain and his clothing

This Pirate Captain is sailing his boat when he sees a merchant ship he wishes to raid. He know a battle will ensue so he tells his first mate, "First mate, fetch me my red shirt." The first mate gives a funny look, fetches the shirt then asks, "Sir, tell me, why a red shirt?" The captain replies, "For morale. When the battle ensues people will be hurt. So, if I am hurt and bleed, my blood will be concealed by the shirt so the crew's morale will not be lowered as their captain dies." The first mate thought it was genious. So the battle happend and no casualties. The Captain raids more ships with his red shirt until one day he comes upon the Spanish Armada. He looks to his first mate and says, "Bring me my brown pants!"

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A Holy Burial

A wife and her husband go to Jerusalem on vacation. While they were there, the husband passed away.The undertaker told the wife, "You can have him shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The wife thought about it and told him she would just have him shipped home.The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your husband home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The wife replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

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A whale of a joke

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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An Olympic swimmer...

...is on a cruise ship, when it hits a reef and sinks. Bobbing in the waves, he spies an island in the distance, makes for it, and barely gets ashore. All he finds on the isle are fruit trees, a female sheep and a big dog. The fruit trees provide sustenance, but he starts to feel lonely. The sheep has luxurious fur, beautiful eyes and long lashes that she shyly bats at him. When he approaches her, the dog viciously attacks and repels him. This goes on for months, until he can hardly bear it.

One day he sees another ship sinking at sea. Swimming out, he sees a woman thrashing in the waves. He saves her as she's about to perish, and hauls her ashore. As luck would have it, she's absolutely gorgeous.

"I'm so grateful to you for saving my life...I'll do anything you ask, as a way to repay you."

The swimmer can't believe his luck. "Anything?"

The young woman smiles coyly. "Anything your heart desires."

"Can you take that big dog over there for a walk?"

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Why is ship tapered

Why is shit tapered?

So you're asshole doesn't slam shut.

(I was watching my dog take a dump yesterday and this old joke came to mind)

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A ship went down on a reef...

There were only three survivors; a 25 year old man, a dog, and a cat.

They were washed up on a deserted tropical island. Food and water were no problem, but after a month the man started to get the urge to have sex. As there were no other people, he was forced to choose between the dog and the cat. Naturally, he chose the dog - man`s best friend. But the cat had a jealous streak, and would always interrupt the man when he tried to have his way with the dog. The man tried all kinds of strategies, but it was no use. The cat never allowed him a chance to get it on with the dog.

Then one day, another ship went down on the reef. From this ship there was only one survivor; a beautiful 22 year old woman. She almost drowned in the surf as she made her way to the island, but the man rescued her - effectively saving her life.

The woman was so grateful that she offered to do anything for the man.

"Anything?" asked the man, already thinking about his carnal desires.

"Yes. Absolutely anything. I`ll do anything to show you my appreciation. For you are my savior," she replied.

"Well then", said the man, "I`d be delighted if you could take the cat for a walk for half an hour."

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The Magician and the Parrot

There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.

He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, ''It's in his sleeve!''

The magician chased the bird away.

The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, ''It's in his pocket!''

The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.

The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot.

They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, ''I give up, what'd you do with the ship?''

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There was once a magician on a cruise ship who performed mainly sleight of hand tricks

. He had a regular spot on the ship's cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the onboard parrot who would fly around squawking out and giving away his secrets like:

"IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE, IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE!"or

"IT'S IN HIS POCKET, IT'S IN HIS POCKET!"or

"IT'S IN HIS MOUTH, IT'S IN HIS MOUTH!"

The magician was getting pretty sick of this and threatened to kill the parrot if it ruined his act one more time. That evening right at the climax of his act, just as he was about to disappear in a puff of smoke, the ship hit an iceberg and sank in seconds.

Amazingly, the magician and the parrot were the only two survivors. The magician was lying on a piece of driftwood in a daze. As he opened his eyes he could see the parrot staring at him out of its beady little eye.

The parrot sat there for hours just staring at him and eventually said,

"OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?"

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It's an XO (Navy Executive Officer)'s last day before retirement...

...and the Captain comes up to him and tells him that upon finishing his nightly duties, he is to inventory everything on the entire ship and have it on the Captain's desk by the next morning at 0700.

The XO grins widely and says "Aye aye, sir!"

The Captain looks at him for a moment and says "Son, I can tell everything I need to know by that look on your face. I bet you can't wait until I die so you can come piss on my grave, right?"

"No, sir!" the XO says. "After I get out of the Navy, I'm never standing in line again!"

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best ship jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about ship. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty ship gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these ship jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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