ship Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious ship puns

This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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WARNING... Dad joke ahead.

This actually just happened.

Wife and Son are playing an intense game of battle ship.

Son: I-8

Me: I haven't ate... I'm hungry

Wife: (not finding the humor)... miss... E-10

Me: Grammar Nazi.

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A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else in the island...

He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier... it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this...

One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her succesfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they where for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life.

But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him.
And she noticed... "Whats wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing..." the guy would say...

She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasnt asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him...


- "Really?, youll do anything id like?"

- "yes" she said "anything!"

- "ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore"

- "ok..."

- "now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat"

- "wha... ok, id say id do anything" she said lovingly.

- "ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it"

she was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tuck her hair under the hat.

- "Now id like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache"

- "ok... if this is what you want..." she muttered.

- "now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach ill catch up to you in a bit" he said a bit excited...

She started walking... wondering... doubting herself... just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasnt her, maybe it was h... suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: "DUDE!!! you wont believe who ive been fucking for the past 6 months!"

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A young woman in New York...

... was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

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In the army, you have to pay $85 if you lose your rifle.

That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

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Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the Mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just Eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sh!t inside!"

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Why is the camel called the ship of the desert?

Because its full of Arab semen

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A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. "Captain," one of the passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"

"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."

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A cargo ship sank in the ocean. The cargo, Idaho potatoes and rubber penises, floated in the vicinity.

The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the water, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship.


"I already know what kind of ship to look for," the diver told the chopper pilot.

"How could you possibly know what kind of ship it was?" replied the pilot.

"It was a dictatorship."

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A pirate walks into a bar

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened ? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. Me hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."

"It was my first day with the hook."

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The beverage factory

Steve just got a job at the beverage factory and is getting a tour from the manager on his first day. The manager spends this time explaining the different assembly lines.

"Over here," the manager says, "is the lemonade assembly line. we take the product, package it up and prepare it to ship. To the right we're canning juice concentrates. On this side we have the soda line, bottles and cans and such."

"Wow, you guys produce a lot of drinks," says Steve.

"You bet, name a drink and we probably have an assembly line for it."

"Do you have a punch line?"

"Nope."

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So a three masted sailing ship is leaving port...

... just a day out of port the captain is standing on the deck when the lookout calls down "Sir! There's an enemy ship on the horizon!"

The captain turns to his cabin boy and shouts "Bring me my red shirt!"

After the cabin boy brings him the red shirt and he puts it on, the two ships close to fighting range and fight all day, with many heroics on both sides, but with the captain and his red shirt standing alive and victorious as the other ship sinks behind them in the sunset light.

Later that night the cabin boy is curious and asks the captain why he needed his red shirt, and the captain replies "Well, with my red shirt on, none of the men would see me bleeding if I was wounded, and so they would not lose heart and continue to fight on to victory!"

The cabin boy thinks that's pretty clever and goes to bed for the night.

The next day, the captain is standing on the deck as they sail along when the lookout shouts down "Sir! Twenty enemy ships on the horizon!"

And the captain turns to his cabin boy and says "Bring me my brown pants!"

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A priest, rabbi, and a preacher are all on a sinking ship

Rabbi: we have to get off the ship!

Preacher: we have to save the kids first!

Rabbi: fuck the kids!

Priest: do we have time?

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A grammar nazi pirate is sailing his ship getting ready to attack an enemy ship...

when one of his men comes up to him and hollers:

*"The cannons be ready, Captain!"*

The Captain looks at him and says:

*"Arrrrrrrrrre"*

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Two great white sharks . . .

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.


"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. The father added, "First, we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."


And they did.


"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."


And they did.


"Now we eat everybody."


And they did.


When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"


His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!"

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A guy gets horny during his first week on a pirate ship...

So he goes up to the captain and asks "What do you guys use when you get horny?"

 

The captain says: "There's a barrel over there with a hole in it; we use that".

 
Guy: "Great when can I use it?"

 
Captain: "You can use it any day of the week, except Tuesday".

 
Guy: "Why not Tuesday?"

 
The captain grinned and said: "Cause that's your day in the barrel."

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A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land....

While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. An undertaker told them "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked "Why? Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and only spend $150?"
The man said "A man died 2,000 years ago. He was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.

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An old man walks into a bar...

...and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a tennis ball.

"I have to ask, sir," says the bartender. "Without sounding rude, what happened to your head?"

The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."

"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"

"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."

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A man finds himself as the cook on a ship...

A man finds himself as the cook on a ship that has just set off on a voyage. He does a quick survey of the kitchen. Everything seems good except in the pantry he finds several bags of potatoes that are all shaped like penises. "That's weird," he thinks as he goes and finds the captain.

"Hey, captain, what's with all the potatoes looking like penises. I don't like it," he says.

The captain replies, "Well you can't change it. This is a dictatorship."

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Why are so many Italian men named Tony?

When they ship them over from the Old Country, they stamp "To N.Y." on them...

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Two straight guys and a gay guy went on a cruise.....

.......with their significant others. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.

First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman name Penny."

Then came the second straight guy."Sorry, can't let you in either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."

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A man and his wife were laying in bed when aliens abducted them...

A man and his wife were laying in bed when aliens abducted them. Upon arriving on the alien ship, they were greeted by a male alien and a female alien.

"Do not fear humans, we come with a proposition for you. My wife and I have decided that we would like to have sex with humans, to see what it is like."

So after talking it over for a bit, the man and his wife agreed and were taken into separate rooms. The male alien goes on to tell the wife, "You are in full control here. If you want me to go faster, just push or pull my ears. If you want my dick to get bigger, tap me on the head."

It was the most exhilarating sexual experience the wife ever had, getting exactly what she wanted. After they were done the alien sent the wife down to her house where her husband was waiting.

"How was your experience babe?" she asks.

"It was going great, until that bitch grabbed my ears and started punching me in the head."

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Two pirates, Morty and sol are at a bar

Sol has a patch over one eye, 
a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. Ye gads, matey, says Morty. What happened to ya?

Sol says, Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.

And yer hand? asks Marty.

When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.

OK, but what's with the eye patch?

I was standin' on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.

But ya don't go blind from no seagull poop.

True, says Sol. But it was me first day with the hook.

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What do you call a communist pirate ship?

The USS-ARRR

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A priest, a pastor, and a rabbi are on a sinking ship.

The pastor yells "Save the children!"

The rabbi replies "Pft, fuck the children!"

The priest says "Do you think we have time?"

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When I was in the army, I broke my rifle and had to pay 600$.

I guess that's why the captain always goes down with the ship.

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A pirate captain stands on the bow of his ship...

and he sees an enemy ship on the horizon. He calls to his first mate "Bring me my red shirt." A tremendous battle ensues in which the pirate captain is victorious. His curious first mate asks him "Captain, why did you wear your red shirt into battle?" To which the captain responds "Because that way if I were wounded the blood would not be noticeable and the men would fight on." The first mate was impressed, until the next day when the captain spotted ten enemy ships on the horizon and called to his first mate "Bring me my brown pants."

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Yoda and Luke Skywalker are together in a ship when Luke asks...

Luke: are we on track?

Yoda: off course, we are.

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A whale of a joke

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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When I lost my pistol, the Army charged me $125.

That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

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So a guy gets shipwrecked on an island with nothing but a dog and a goat.

As time passes, he decides he needs some action, and, well, the goats not lookin half bad.

However, anytime the man tries to make a move on the goat, the dog gets jealous, snaps at him and won't let him by.

Eventually, another ship wrecks, this time carrying a blonde babe. Just absolutely gorgeous. The man looks to the heavens, thanks God for answering his prayers, then looks to the girl and says:

Would ya mind taking that dog for a walk?

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The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate an occasion with a "little" stowed away rum.

Unfortunately he got drunk and was still drunk the next morning. The captain saw him drunk and when the first mate was sober, showed him the following entry in the ship's log: "The first mate was drunk today."

"Captain please don't let that stay in the log," the mate said. "This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself."

"Is it true?" asked the captain, already knowing the answer.

"Yes, its true," the mate said. "Then if it is true it has to go in the log. That's the rule. If its true it goes into the log, end of discussion," said the captain sternly. Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entries.

The first mate wrote: "The ship seems in good shape. The captain was sober today."

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A magician is working on a cruise ship, but there is one problem.

The captain's parrot watches every show he does, and after figuring out the tricks, the parrot has started yelling out the secrets of how the tricks are done.

The bird says, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Hey! He's hiding the flowers under the table!"

The magician is enraged. But it's the captain's parrot, so he can't do anything about it.

One day on a long cruise, there is an accident. The boat crashes and sinks. The magician and the parrot find themselves clinging to the same plank of wood in the middle of the ocean. For days neither says anything. Finally, after a week, with no hope in sight, the parrot says, "Okay, I give up. Where's the boat?"

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When I was in the army, I lost my rifle and had to pay $865 for a new one

Now I'm starting to understand why navy captains always go down with their ship

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A couple of whales.

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the same side of the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.The male was enraged that they were going to get away and said to the female, "Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, the male whale realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him."What's the matter, Darling?"
"Look, Love," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen".

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The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind....

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?

Yes, I know, said the lady, I need both hands to hold onto this hat. But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed! said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!

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What did they find in the toilet in the star ship Enterprise?

The captain's log.

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So two whales are swimming along...

... when they spot a whaling ship. The first whale, in shock, says, "Hey! That's that ship that attacked our pod last year. We should sink it. We'll dive deep under the boat and blow bubbles up. The bubbles will capsize the boat and they'll sink!"

The second whale agrees and they begin their attack on the unsuspecting boat. The two whales take enormous breaths and dive deep under the boat. They blow all the air out their blowholes and the bubbles race toward the surface. When the two whales come up they see the boat is capsized and sinking and several sailors are in the water.

"Oh man!" says the first whale. "We got 'em. Look, they're all swimming in the water. Now we can eat them!"

The second whale, taken aback, then says, "Sorry man, I'll help with the blow job, but I won't swallow seamen."

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First Day On The Job

Steve just got a job at the beverage factory and is getting a tour from the manager on his first day. The manager spends this time explaining the different assembly lines.

"Over here," the manager says, "is the lemonade assembly line. we take the product, package it up and prepare it to ship. To the right we're canning juice concentrates. On this side we have the soda line, bottles and cans and such."

"Wow, you guys produce a lot of drinks," says Steve.

"You bet, name a drink and we probably have an assembly line for it."

"Do you have a punch line?"

"Nope."

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Risky Burial

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for only $150."

The man thought about it and decided he would just have her shipped home for $5000.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150 ?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man called Jesus Christ died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead...I just can't take that chance."

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It's not the size of the ship, nor the motion of the ocean...

It's whether or not the captain stays in port long enough for all the passengers to get off.

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Why is the camel called the ship of the desert?

Because it's full of Arab Semen.

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A man is ship wrecked on an island with a dog and a goat...

Several months go by and he's horny as ever and decides he needs some action from someone or something. So the goats not looking half bad. But whenever he tries to make a move on the goat, the dog gets jealous and snaps and growls at him until he backs off.

So some time goes by and eventually another ship wrecks on the island, this time carrying a beautiful blonde with flawless skin, a gorgeous face, double D's and a perfect booty.

The man can't believe it. He looks to the heavens and says thank you, God! You have answered my prayers, thank you, thank you!

The man looks to the woman and says would ya mind taking that dog for a walk?

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Why do we let women and children off a sinking ship first?

So the sharks aren't hungry anymore.

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WALKS INTO A BAR... MERMAID SEX

An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.

"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"

The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."

"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"

"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."

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A whale tale

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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A man and his ever-nagging wife are on vacation in Jerusalem

While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "you can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the holy land, for $150.

The man thought about it, and finally decided he would have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home when you can have her burried here for so much less?"

The man replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was burried here, and three days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

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Bill Clinton, George W.Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

As the boat sinks, George Washington shouts, "Save the women!"

George W. Bush hollers, "Screw the women!"

Bill Clinton asks excitedly, "Do we have time?"

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Atheism is a non-prophet organization

As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.

So he shouted out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"

Just one guy stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray."

"Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."

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A husband and Wife from the States visit the Holy Land...

During the trip the wife tragically dies. A funeral director in Israel tells the husband that she can be buried in the holy land for $500, or shipped back to the US for $4000. The husband immediately says, "Let's ship her back to the states." The funeral director asks why, when it's so much cheaper to bury her her. Husband says "Someone else came back to life after 3 days being buried here before, I'd rather not take that chance."

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There was a cruise ship that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.....

There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So...

They buried her.

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A pirate talks with his captain...

'Captain, how did you get your peg leg?'

'Yarrr... Me ship sank. I was rescued, but not before a great white took me leg.'

'What about your hook hand?'

'Me ship was boarded. I repelled the bastards, but not before I lost me hand.'

'And what about your eye patch?'

'Yarrr... a bird shit in me eye.'

'I don't understand.... How did that cause you to lose an eye???'

'It was me first day with the hook!'

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A shipment of Viagra was stolen this morning at the city docks

Police say they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals

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so this guy is speeding down a highway, and a cop appears behind him and pulls him over.

the cop comes up to the man and says, "why were you speeding today sir?" the man replies, "i'm a juggler in a circus, and i'm just trying to get to my next show. I apologize."

the cop looks intrigued, and says "if you can prove to me you're a juggler, I'll let you go with a warning."

the man says, "officer, I don't have my equipment with me, I had to ship it seperately." the officer thinks for a minute, and brings back some flares from his car and lights them.

the juggler immediately starts throwing them up and catching them, and the officer is very impressed.

meanwhile, another man driving by pulls over and stops his car. he gets out and immediately walks into the back seat of the police car and closes the door. the officer comes back and says "why did you get into my car?"

the man replies, his words slurred, "i ain't never gonna pass that new sobriety test you got there"

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A Little Head

A man walks into a bar and notices the gentleman next to him has a very small head. After a few beers, he finally asks the gentleman, "Pardon me, but why is your head so small?".

The man began to explain how he was in the Navy and after his ship was struck by a torpedo, and he was stuck on a deserted island for months. "One day," he said "A mermaid magically appeared. She said she could grant any wish I had. I asked to be rescued, and off in the horizon, I saw a coast guard ship heading towards me. I then proceeded to explain how long I had been stuck on the island and asked her for some sex before being rescued. She explained that it was impossible since she was a mermaid. So instead, I asked her for a little head."

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A pirate captain was telling his first mate how he got his injuries

First he points to his peg leg. "You see," he says, "I got thrown overboard in a terrible storm an' a great white shark bit off me leg before I could climb back up."
"That's amazing," the first mate replies, "and what happened to your hand?"
"We was boarding a ship to take its plunder an' I dueled the ship's captain. I bested him but not before he took me hand clean off. So I got a hook to replace it."
The first mate was only more impressed, "So what's the story behind the eyepatch?"
"A seagull pooped in me eye."
"That's all? You lost your eye because a seagull pooped in it?"
"Well, it was me first day with the hook."

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A shipment of Viagra has been stolen

Police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals

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A lawyer, priest, and social worker are on a ship that hits an iceberg...

The captain comes over the intercom: "Everyone please make your way to the lifeboats".
The social worker yells out: "Women & children first!"
The lawyer starts pushing his way towards the boats: "Screw the children!"
The priest responds: "Do we have time?"

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nagging wife

A Scotsman and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem when the wife died suddenly. The undertaker said it will cost Β£5000 to ship her home or Β£50 to bury her here. The husband said ship her home. The undertaker said "but Sir why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money." The husband said "listen here pal, a long long time ago a man called Jesus was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead....... Shes goin fuckin home!"

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One wish

Two Irishmen go on a cruise. Halfway through their vacation the ship wrecks, and the two Irishmen escape on a lifeboat. They floated about for a couple days, hoping to be rescued. On the third day one of the men notices a bottle floating near the lifeboat.
"Wouldn't it be cool if there were a genie in the bottle?", he asked. Without hesitation the other man picked the bottle up and rubbed, and whoosh, out pops the genie.
"I am a powerful genie, but I can only grant one wish," the genie shouts.
Before the other man could even get in a word

"I wish the ocean was nothing but Guinness."

And whoosh the genie grants the wish and disappears.

"No, you idiot, now we have to pee in the boat."

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2 Dinosaurs were sat on a beach watching as a ship sailed into the sunset

One dinosaur turns to the other and says "That Noah's a bit of a twat isn't he."

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A Holy Burial

A wife and her husband go to Jerusalem on vacation. While they were there, the husband passed away.The undertaker told the wife, "You can have him shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The wife thought about it and told him she would just have him shipped home.The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your husband home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The wife replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

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Maybe the Titanic really was a ship of dreams...

and its dream was to be a submarine.

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A man walks into a bar...

An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.

"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"

The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."

"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"

"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."

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You know why it's women and children first off of a sinking ship?

It's so that the men can have some peace and quiet to figure out a solution.

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Mexico and the TITANIC

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

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Most people don't know that back in 1912...

Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

Mexicans were crazy about the stuff.

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate ("desperados") at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning.

It's known, of course, as... Sinko De Mayo.

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So a navy man returns to his ship after a night in port. The next morning he's shocked to find everyone speaking Russian...

Whoops, wrong sub.

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My favorite Pirate joke my dad always tells

A young pirate is talking to an older pirate and he says, "wow how did you lose your hand?" pointing at the pirates hook.

"Arrr me young lad twas fighting off some scurvy attackers trying to take me ship and in the sword fight I got me hand cut off."


"Well how did you lose your leg?" he asked pointing at the wooden leg.

"Arr me young lad was cooling my feet off in the ocean one fine sunny day and a shark came and bit me leg off!"

"Well how did you lose your eye?" the young pirate asked, pointing at the eye patch.

"Arrr me young lad, twas lying on a beach sunning me self when a bird flew over me and shit in me eye!!"

The young pirate asked, "how do you lose an eye from bird shit?"


















"Arrr me young lad twas the first day with me hook!"

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An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,

"Sir anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

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2 Whales, 1 whaling ship

One day a male and a female whale are swimming along, when the male whale sees the whaling ship that killed his mother. He turns to the female whale, and says "I have a plan. Lets both take a huge breath of air, swim under that whaling ship, expel all our breath, and see if we can sink it." The female says okay, and they proceed with his plan, and sure enough the whaling ship sinks. But as the whales are swimming away, the male sees the sailors from the ship swimming away, he turns to the female and says "Quick, lets swim over there and eat those sailors." The female whale turns to him and says "Hey now, wait a minute, I was okay with the blow job, but there is no way I'm swallowing any seamen."

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I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army.

I had to pay $855 to cover the loss. I'm starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

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A Pirate ship is out at sea.

One of the crew runs up to the captain and yells

"There is an enemy ship approaching!"

"Fetch me my red shirt" says the captain.

"Why?"

"Because then they will not know if I am bleeding!"

They fight and fight and win the battle. The next day, the crewmember yells

"two enemy ships are approaching!"

"Bring me my red shirt!" calls the captain once more. So they fight, and once again win.

One day, a crewmember runs up to the captain yet again.

"Sir! There are 10 enemy ships approaching! We're surrounded!"

So the captain yells "Bring me my brown pants!"

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A zoo bought a female gorilla a while back

A zoo bought a female gorilla a while back. Recently, she went into heat, so the zookeeper called all his friends at different zoos to find a male gorilla to deal with the issue.
He called and called, but the budget his board had given him was only $10,000, and nobody could afford to ship their gorilla for only ten grand. Meanwhile, this gorilla is getting dangerously horny.
The zookeeper is working late after a few nights of this, and after a failed call with his friend in Tokyo, he steps outside and sees the Boris the janitor sweeping up around the gorilla enclosure.
Zookeeper says, "Marvin, look, would you ever be interested in fucking this gorilla for $10,000?"
Boris looks at him and thinks for a minute, then says he will, but he's got a few ground rules. "1. I will not kiss her. 2. Nobody must ever find out about this. And 3. I'm gonna need a few days to get that $10,000 together."

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What is the strictest part of a ship?

The stern

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A cruise ship sinks in the middle of the sea...

The people on the ship manage to escape on life boats. A woman comes to the captain and asks him: "How far is the closest land?"
The captain answers :"3 km."
The woman says after: "In which direction?", to which the captain replied :"Down"

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A captain and his crew...

A crew mate runs to his captain "Captain! Captain! There is an enemy ship on the horizon! What do we do?" The captain replies "Grab me my red shirt." "Why?" The crew mate asks. "So that my crew doesn't see me bleeding from the battle." The captain replies. Another guy runs up "Captain! Captain! I have an update there are 7 more ships what should I do?" "Go get me my brown pants."

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A ship is sailing through the sea...

passing by a small island and watches a man screaming and shouting.

A passenger asks the captain:

- Who is he?

- We don't know, he gets crazy every year we pass here.

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The Captain

A long time ago there was this captain on his boat with his crew, sailing the high seas when they spotted a pirate ship. Before the battle began, the captain shouted, "Bring me my red shirt!" It was a long fight but the captain and his men were victorious. The next day three pirate ships appeared. The captain cried, "Bring me my red shirt!" and they proceeded to defeat the three pirate ships. Later on, as the crew was resting and tending to their wounds, an ensign asked the captain why he always wore that red shirt. The captain replied "I wear the red shirt so that if I'm wounded, no one will see the blood. That way everyone will continue to fight on unafraid." The crew was moved by this great display of courage.

The next day, ten pirate ships were spotted. The men looked to their captain, waiting for his command. Calm as ever, the captain cried out, "Bring me my brown pants."

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Sinking Ship...

A pediatrician, a lawyer, and a priest were on the Titanic while it was going down. The pediatrician said "Save the children!" The lawyer said "Fuck the children!" To which the priest replied "Do we have time?"

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What did the pirate say when he saw his kid lighting the ship on fire?

Arrr son!

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Why Sharks Circle

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spotted survivors of a ship that had just sunk.

"Follow me son" the older father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise old father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

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The Captains Wife

The crew of a US navy battle ship was back home after many months of being out to sea. To celebrate, the captain of the ship organized a formal ball and the entire crew was there in thier unforms. The big band was playing and the sailors were hitting the bar and drinking hard as they admired the Captains beautiful wife sitting at the head table with the captain himself.

One of the drunken sailors spoke up, "Im gonna ask the capins wife ta dance wit me!" The other sailors just laughed at him as he swaggered on down to the captains table. Sailor says, "Hey Capin, may I dansh wit your wife?" The captain, having been drinking himself, nodded the OK.

Stunned, the other sailors watched as their lowly shipmate and the captains wife engaged in a slow dance. The sailor having been out to sea for several months was very happy to be dancing with this beautiful woman.

After a few minutes of dancing the captains wife speaks up and says, "My, but you smell very nice. What do you have on?" The sailor speaks into her ear and says, " I have a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it."

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A magician goes on a cruise...

Every night he does tricks for the crew. Unfortunately there is a parrot that belongs to one of the crew members who always say how the tricks are done. This goes on for a few weeks and the two developed a hatred for each other. One night when he is doing a trick the ship unexpectedly sinks. The magician and the parrot survive by floating on a piece of driftwood. They float for a few weeks without talking. Then one day the parrot finally says "ok where the fuck did the ship go"?

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A Sea Captain looks through his telescope

and sees ships approaching on the horizon. He says to his first mate "Arrrr Matey, fetch me me red shirt".

"But why, Captain?" the Mate says.

"If these be enemies and we must defend our ship I don't want me men to see me bleed".

The mate fetches the shirt as the Captain looks out again, this time seeing a fleet of Pirate Ships gaining on them. He turns to the first mate again:

"Arrr Matey, fetch me me brown pants".

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The Magician AND The Parrot!

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.

The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.

They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'

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So a man gets shanghaied by pirates...

So a man gets shanghaied by pirates, and they put him to work. Life isn't bad for him, steady work a cut of the booty, but after the third day, he starts to feel uncomfortable, having had a healthy sex life back home, and if not with women, he at least could wank one out if the going got tough, but on the pirate ship without any privacy he began to feel the tension building.

So he approaches the first mate, saying, "There's not much privacy around here, what do I do to, you know, relieve my urges."

The first mate just points to a barrel, and says, "Simply put your dick in the hole in that barrel, and rub one out. It's what it's there for."

Pleased, the man asks, "So I can just do this anytime I want?"

The first mate checks a list, and replies, "Any day but Saturday."

"Why not Saturday?" asks the man.

The first mate says, "That's your day in the barrel."

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A pirate ship is voyaging at sea.

First mate: Captain there is an enemy ship on the horizon preparing for battle!

Captain: Bring me my red shirt!

The two ships got to battle and the enemy ship ends up being destroyed.

First mate: Captain why did you ask me to bring you a red shirt before the battle?

Captain: Well, if I were to get shot during battle, the red shirt would disguise the blood and you would continue with the battle.

First mate: Wow, that is very honorable. Captain there are 20 enemy ships on the horizon!

Captain: Bring me my brown pants!

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A captain of a pirate ship is sailing the high seas...

when he encounters another ship. A fight breaks out amongst the two ships and the captain requests that his first mate fetch him his lucky red shirt. The captain leads his crew to victory, and after the fight, the first mate mentions that it must have been because of the lucky red shirt. The captain speaks up and says "No matey, I wear this shirt to hide the bloodstains so you will all keep fighting instead of tending to me". A few days later, the ship encounters the Black Pearl, the mightiest ship of the seas. The first mate asks the captain if he'd like his lucky red shirt. He replies "No matey, fetch me my brown pants".

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A shipwreck survivor washes up on the beach...

...of an island and is surrounded by a group of warriors.
I'm done for, the man cries in despair.
No, you are not, comes a booming voice from the heavens. Listen carefully, and do exactly as I say. Grab a spear and push it through the heart of the warrior chief.
The man does what he is told, turns to the heavens, and asks, Now, what?
The booming voice replies, Now you are done for.

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A priest and a lawyer are on a sinking ship

The priest yells, "women and children to the lifeboats first!". Then the lawyer, anxious to survive, says, "Fuck the children!" The priest replies, "do we have enough time?"

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A man is vacationing in Jerusalem

A man is vacationing in Jerusalem with his family when his stepmother gets very ill, the next day she passes away.

The man asks for her body to be flew back to their home state to be buried there, but he finds out that it will cost $5000. He is given an offer to bury her right there in Jerusalem for only $150.

The man thinks about it for a while, but eventually says he will pay the $5000 to ship her back home. A local walks up and is amazed, saying that he must have loved his stepmother very much.

The man glances around and whispers to the local, "No, not really, it's just that I heard of a case where someone was buried here and they rose three days later, and I don't want to deal with that."

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Breaking News: A ship carrying red paint just collided with a ship carrying purple paint, in the South China Sea.

Authorities report that the crews of both ships are marooned

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A guy is on vacation in Jerusalem with his wife and mother-in-law,

when the mother-in-law unexpectedly passes away. Unsure of how to handle funeral proceedings so far from home, he asks a local funeral parlor in Jerusalem for advice.

"Well sir, if you bury her here in Jerusalem, it will cost you about $150".

"What about if I want to ship her body back to the U.S.?" - the guy asks

"Well sir, that would cost approximately $20,000".

The guy thinks about it for a little bit and says "you know what, better prepare the body and have her shipped back to New York".

"But sir, you would save almost $20,000 if you just bury her right here in Jerusalem!" - the funeral guy responds

The husband responds: "yeah I know, but there was once a guy who was buried in Jerusalem and rose from the dead on the third day, and I'm not willing to risk that with her".

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Why sharks circle before they attack...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.

"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the crap out of them first!"

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A Navy ship hailed a civilian at sea...

**Navy**: We ask that you divert your course 15 degrees north, to avoid collision.

**Civilian**: Negative. Recommend that *you* divert 15 degrees north, to avoid collision.

**Navy**: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

**Civilian**: Negative. I say again, recommend you change course.

**Navy**: This is the aircraft carrier *Enterprise*! We are a large warship of the U.S. Navy! Divert your course *immediately*!

**Civilian**: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

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A Pirate's Life

A pirate goes into a bar and sits down.
The bartender says:


"Wow, you look like you've had a long life. Tell me about it. How did you get your wooden leg?"


" Arrr.... me ship capsized and a shark bit me leg off. Then while loading a canon it blew me hand clean off".

"What about the eye-patch?".


"I happened to look up when a gull flying overhead crapped on me eye".


"Well, that doesn't qualify an eye patch, now does it?"


"Arrrgh, it was the first day I got me hook".

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When Microsoft and Apple ship faulty products

Microsoft: We will fix that faulty battery timer through a software update. *never fixes it though*

Apple: *quietly removes the battery timer*

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So a pirate has been on a ship for 6 months...

but there are no women on the ship and being male,he had some...urges, so he asked the captain " arr its been 6 months since we've had a lass on the ship and some of the others are getting urges. what can we do about them??" and the captain responds" go down to the front of the ship and there will be a barrel, stick your privates in there and go at it." so he did as he was told and when he was done he came back. he told the captain " captain! that was great! how many times can i use it????" and the captain turned to him and said " every day except thursday." and the pirate asked " why?" the captain responded " aye, because thats your turn to be in the barrel."

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The story of the pirate.

A pirate walks into a bar, and the bartender notices that there is the steering wheel to a ship on the front of his pants. So the bartender, perplexed, says to him "you know that there's a steering wheel on your crotch, right?" and the pirate says "Arr! Its drivin' me nuts!"

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A captain brought his daughter on board of his ship...

and forbid every sailor to have sex with her. He didn't tell any of his crew, but he put razor blades in his daughter vagina for safety measures because he didn't trust anyone of them. Each week, the captain will check the dick of his sailor and kill everybody who's dick missing.

So the first week past and it was time for a checkup. He line up 10 of his sailors and ask them to put down their pants. 9 out of 10 have lost their dick. The captain, furious, kills the 9. To make an example of the tenth he said to him:

-Son for your honesty I will promote you as my assistant!

The sailor could not believe his ears and with joy he replies:

-Tsakjk yjf cahdejn!

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A guy gets a job on a ship

After a few days out at sea, he's feeling a little lonely and horny. He asks his cabin mate "What do you guys do out here at sea when you get horny? Nothing but men on the ship and we're out for weeks or months at a time."

His cabin mate asks "Haven't you heard about the barrel?"

"Barrel? What barrel?"

His cabin mate explains that there's a barrel on the deck of the ship with a hole about waist-high. "You go up there and just stick your dick in the hole in the barrel."

"What?" says the young sailor. "I'm not sticking my dick in a barrel!"

"Suit yourself," replies his cabin mate.

A few more nights pass and the young man is feeling very horny. He waits until everyone's asleep and figures "what the hell?" He goes on deck, finds the barrel, pulls his dick out and sticks it in. It feels great!

The next morning he tells his cabin mate he finally took his advice and fucked the barrel.

"I told you so!"

"Say," asks the man. "Can I fuck the barrel any time I want?"

"Well," explains his cabin mate. "Any time but Tuesdays."

"Why not Tuesdays?" asks the man.

"Because Tuesdays are your turn to be in the barrel."

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A ship was sailing in the middle of the ocean....

A storm was developing in the distance. As the storm raged, the captain realised the ship was sinking fast.

He called out loud, "Anyone here knows how to pray?"

A man proudly raised his hand and came forward, "Aye Captain, I know how to pray."

The Captain replied, "Great, you keep praying while the rest of us put our life jackets on.......we are short of one!"

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So a pirate walks into his favorite restaurant...

...and one of his friends comes up to him. His friend notices that he now has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye-patch, none of which he had before. The pirates friend approaches and says:

"Wow! You look different, where did you get that peg leg?'

The pirate responds: "Oh I was just at a battle at sea, when a cannonball from the enemy ship struck my leg, but the doctor put on the peg leg, now I'm fine.

Then the friend asks: "Well what about the hook?"

To this the pirate says: "Oh I was in a sword fight and my opponent cut off my hand, but the doctor fixed it with this hook, so now I'm fine."

"Well what about the eye-patch?"

"We were out sailing at sea and a bird pooped in my eye."

"You can't loose your eye from bird poop!"

"Yea, but I wasn't used to the hook yet."

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Can't take that chance

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker

told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man

thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and

you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take

that chance."

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The Secret of the Red Shirt

Once upon a time there was a pirate captain. He ran a very successful ship, and rarely lost any battles. He took a boy under him to teach him the trade.

One day, the lookout shouted, "Marine ship to the starboard, bearing down upon us!". The captain immediately shouted to the boy, "Boy, bring me my red shirt!". The ship was boarded, but the captain rallied the pirates and defeated the marines.

Every time a marine ship attacked them, the captain would give the same order to the boy, "Boy, bring me my red shirt!". And they always won. So, one day the boy asked the captain, "What is the secret of the red shirt?". The captain replied, "The secret is that, if I'm injured in the battle, the crew won't see blood and will not falter." The boy was amazed and grew proud about his captain.

Then one day, the came upon an entire fleet of marine ships. Hundreds upon hundreds of marine ships bore down upon them. The boy came running to the captain with the red shirt. The captain shook his head and said, "Bring me my brown pants."



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A cruise ship is sailing in the Caribbean..

The cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man with an eyepatch running around and waving his arms wildly.

Captain, one passenger asks, who is that man over there?

I have no idea, the captain says, but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.

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It's hard to think about my wife, who passed away during delivery

Tip: Never, *EVER* go with a mail-order Russian bride who arrives by ship.

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When i lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85$

That's why in the Navy, the captian goes down with the ship

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An American man visits the Holy Land...

An American man visits the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. Sadly the mother-in-law died. When seeing the local Israeli undertaker, it was explained that they could ship the body home for $5,000. But if they buried her locally it would cost only $150. The man said to the undertaker "We'll ship her home." The undertaker asked "Are you sure? It's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here." The man replied "look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I can't take that chance."

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An Irishman and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem...

when the wife died suddenly. The undertaker said it will cost Β£5000 to ship her home or Β£50 to bury her here. The husband said ship her home. The undertaker said "but Sir why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money." The husband said "listen here pal, a long long time ago a man called Jesus was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead....... Shes goin fuckin home!

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Joe goes down to the docks...(long)

... to look for a job. He sees three old sailors sitting on a bench in front of a large ship, having a conversation. As Joe walks past to them, he hears what they're saying.
- Number four! says the first sailor, and the other two starts to laugh.
- Number six! says the second one with a giggle, and the other two starts to laugh.
Joe is a little bit confused, so he walks up to them and asks:
- Hey! I heard what you were talking about, and I have to ask, what's so funny about some numbers?
- Well, says the third sailor, we have been out on the sea for more than thirty years. By this time we all know each other very well, so we decided to put numbers on our jokes instead re-telling them every time.
- That sounds a bit weird, says Joe.
- Maybe, says the second sailor, why don't you try for yourself?
- Okay then, number eightythree, Joe says.
All three sailors start to laugh really hard, one of them even falls of the bench and can hardly breathe.
- What was so funny about it? Joe asks.
Still giggling, the first sailor answers:
- Never heard that one before!

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A man and his wife are on a cruise

The ship capsizes but the man manages to get onto a lifeboat in time. However he notices that his wife is missing. Distraught he shouts.
-A 100$ to the man that can save my wife!
Upon hearing this several men jump into the water to rescue the wife. After some time a man comes up draging a woman behind him.
-Here's your wife. Now give me my 100$!
-That's not my wife, that's my mother-in-law!
-Shit... So how much do I owe you?

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Once there were two pirates who were identical twins...

These twins, the Tillery brothers, were named Arthur and Artemis, but both of them liked to be called Art. The only way that the captain and crew could tell them apart was by weight: Arthur was much fatter than his twin.

One day, the pirate ship was attacked by a Royal Navy ship. "All hands on deck!" The captain ordered. He pointed to the cannons and shouted, "Fire the heavy artillery!"

Hearing this, one of the pirates picked up Arthur, shoved him in the cannon, and fired.

"What did you do that for?" The captain asked.

"Sorry sir," the pirate replied. "But I'm sure you told me to fire the heavy Art Tillery."

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I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...

He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.

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The Pirate

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
"Well, ok, but what about that hook? "What happened to your hand?"
"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them S*#t in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird S*%t."
"It was my first day with the hook."

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Breaking News - in Hong Kong, a ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying purple paint

CNN reports that both crews are marooned

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So I just started my own indoor ship production company.

Production was great, until sales started going through the roof.

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The cruise ship survivors

There was a cruise ship that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So...

They buried her.

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There's a Doctor, a lawyer, and a priest on a sinking cruise ship

The doctor says,"We have to find all the children and get them off this boat safely, after all... Children are our future." The lawyer responds, "Fuck the children," to which the priest says, "Do we have time??"

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The Magician and the Parrot

There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.

He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, ''It's in his sleeve!''

The magician chased the bird away.

The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, ''It's in his pocket!''

The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.

The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot.

They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, ''I give up, what'd you do with the ship?''

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The power of prayer

A ship is sinking, the captain turns to the people on the boat and asks, "does anyone here know how to pray?"

The priest on boards says he can pray.

Captain: "Ok priest, you pray. Everyone else will wear a life jacket. We are short of one."

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It's an XO (Navy Executive Officer)'s last day before retirement...

...and the Captain comes up to him and tells him that upon finishing his nightly duties, he is to inventory everything on the entire ship and have it on the Captain's desk by the next morning at 0700.

The XO grins widely and says "Aye aye, sir!"

The Captain looks at him for a moment and says "Son, I can tell everything I need to know by that look on your face. I bet you can't wait until I die so you can come piss on my grave, right?"

"No, sir!" the XO says. "After I get out of the Navy, I'm never standing in line again!"

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A rabbi, a lawyer, and a priest are on a cruise ship as it starts to sink...

As chaos ensues and people are running around frantically, the three men huddle together and try to make a grave decision.

The rabbi says, "we must save the children!"

The lawyer says, "no, screw the children!"

Then the priest says, "do we really have time to screw the children?"

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A Young Man

Has dreams of being a sailor but has no formal education. One day a magnificent ship docks at the harbour and the man rushes to the first mate.

"Please sir, I wish to become a sailor. I have no skills or experience but I'm the most honest, trustworthy man you'll ever meet!"

The first mate, impressed by the mans resolve, takes him to the Captain. The Captain agrees to take the man on board as an apprentice.

One day, the man is swabbing the decks when a vicious storm rolls in, the man is washed overboard and disappears. The Captain rushes to the first mate.

"That man you had me hire! The one who was honest and trustworthy!"

"Yes?"

"He's just fucked off with the mop!"

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A Pirate walked into a bar

A pirate walked into a bar and sat down for a drink.

The bartender asked, "Gee you look awful, are you feeling okay?"

"I feel fine, why do you ask?," said the pirate.

"Well your leg is half missing, you have a wooden peg leg!"

"Arrr that happened a few years back, cannonball came right through the ship and took out me leg."

The bartender looked down at the pirate's hand, "But your hand, it's a hook! How did that happen?"

"Arrr well I was in a sword fight and he got me left hand, but I feel okay now."

"Okay, but how about your eye? You have an eye patch on it!"

"Arrr well just a few days ago I was looking up and a seagull pooped right in me eye."

The bartender, slightly confused asked, "How did that put out your eye?"

The pirate raised his arm, "It was the first day with the hook..."

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How can north korea tell if it made a ship or a submarine?

By how fast it sinks.

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A ship is sinking in the middle of Atlantic...

A ship is going down in the middle of Atlantic. There's no hope, the captain is desperate, and suddenly someone tells him that among the passengers, there's a rabbi who can perform miracles.

The rabbi is immediately brought to the captain, and he implores him:

-- Rabbi, what can be done?!

-- Do you still have the internet connection?

-- Yes!

-- Sell the ship!

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What has 7 eyes and 7 legs?

A ship with 7 pirates

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Clinton on the Titanic

Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic.

The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly.

Everybody starts screaming, panicking, etc.

Reagan shouts: "Women and children first."

Nixon goes: "Screw the women!"

Clinton replies: "Do you think we have time!?"

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A Priest, a Monk, and a Rabbi on a cruise ship. (NSFW)

A Priest, a Monk, and a Rabbi are on a cruise ship.

While the ship is out to sea, it hits an iceberg and begins to sink.

Going down like the Titanic, the Rabbi asks the Monk and Priest: "What should we do? Should we save the children?"

The Monk says "Fuck the children!"

The Priest asks "Do you think we'll have time?"

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A man falls over board a ship...

As this man is floating in the ocean, a boat comes and asks him if he wants to be saved, but he says "No, I am a devout Christian, God will save me." The guys on the boat are a bit confused, but they leave.

Another boat comes along and asks the man if he wants to be saved, but again he says to them. "No I am a devout Christian, God will save me." So the boat goes on its way.

The man drowns and goes to heaven, were he asks God "Why didn't you save me?"

God replies, "I sent you two bloody boats you imbecile!"

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Why did the sea monster eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.

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5 men and 1 woman on a deserted island

Five men and one woman strand on a deserted island after their cruise ship sank. They are the only survivors. They find shelter and enough food and water to sustain them. So now they discuss the matter of sex. They all agree that each man gets his different day of the week to have sex with the woman. And in the weekends the woman is free to choose any or no man.
Now everything is going fine. But after 3 weeks the woman gets ill and eventually dies. The first week, the men are doing fine. The second week, it gets harder. But the third week, it becomes unbearable. That's when they decided to bury the woman.

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An Englishman, An American and A Korean are on a ship...

The ship is in stormy waters, when suddenly a genie appears from the waves and tells them "I'm sorry, but you men will die in this storm. I have no power to prevent your death, but as some recompense I can grant you all one wish before you perish"

The three great friends begin to think before answering the genie.

The American answers first "I want the chance to sing the great national anthem of America one last time in full, and please genie allow the storm to quieten so that my friends may hear this wonderful tune and enjoy it"

The genie replies that he can grant this wish

The Korean next asks "It would make my last moments on this earth perfect if I could one last time eat the traditional food of my country, some sour and spicy cabbage soup, along with salted blood sausage and ice noodles - but I want enough so that I can share the last meal with my friends.

"It will be done" answers the genie

Finally the British man speaks up.

"Please kill me before the song and the food:"

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Hard Times

A pirate was standing on the crow's nest and then he slipped and fell. He fell through the first floor, then he fell through the second floor, then he fell through the third floor and hit the bottom floor of the ship!

The first mate comes up to him and asks "Are ye all right matey?"

The pirate replies, "Arrr, yes... I've been through hardship before!"

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A red ship crashed into a blue ship!

They were marooned

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I'm great at signalling for help on a sinking ship..

Just got a flare for it.

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My girlfriend said she'd be with me forever if I got a job on a ship.

I'm thinking of mariner.

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What did the ship say to the sexy ice-berg?

I'd hit that.

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Shipment of Viagra was stolen from new York harbor

The cops are on the lookout for hardened criminals

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What do you call a ship that drives itself?

Auto-pirate.

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Right before colliding with an iceberg...

The captain of the Titanic got ready to make an announcement:
"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Fun fact, this ship weighs about 52 thousand kilograms. I'm gonna let that sink in..."

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Why is it best to ship boxes using a UPS truck?

The DOWNS truck is a little slow.

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Three explorers

There were three explorers who were sailing the seas in search for new land. They land on a small island, but as they leave their ship, they are confronted by a group of savages and their chief.

The chief says, "You are trespassing on our holy land and for that you must pay the consequences. You are given a choice: death or kunta."

"What is kunta?" asked one of the explorers.

"Kunta is the action of being furiously penetrated with a broken tree branch," explains the chief.

"I'd rather be screwed in the ass than die," said the first explorer.

"Me too," said the second explorer.

The two were screaming in agonizing pain for ten minutes as they had tree branches shoved up and down their anal cavity.

The third explorer sees their pain and decides he never wants to endure such a gruesome action, so he exclaims loudly, "There's no way I'm going through that! I choose death!"

The chief obliges by nodding his head and says, "Very well. Death...by kunta!"

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The time my grandpa went to Africa

One day I was sitting with my grandpa watching TV. As it happened we were watching the Discovery channel when a show about Africa came on.


"Hmph, Africa... I've been there." My grandpa said.


"Really?" I asked, "I never knew you went to Africa grandpa, when was this?"


"Well," he said, "when I went to Africa I was about your age. Eighteen. And back then they didn't have no jet airplanes that could get you there in ten hours. No siree!"


"First, we got on a steam ship. New York harbor! We sailed in that tub for fourteen straight days and fourteen nights ...until finally, we reached the coast of Africa."


"Then," he went on, "we were loaded up on this rickety old railroad pulled by a steam locomotive and we rode those narrow winding tracks for ten days and ten nights, deep into the heart of Africa."


"Finally they got us saddled up on a caravan of horses. We rode those flea bitten mares for five days and and five nights out into the savannah." His eyes narrowed and he became considerably more animated raising his arms into the air and forming threatening claws with his hands, "That's when that lion jumped out and went *ROAAAR!* ...and I shit my pants."


"Holy smokes grandpa," I chuckled, "that lion must've really scared you to make you shit your pants!"


"No no, just now, when I went *ROAAAR!* ...I shit my pants."

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British ship

So a British boat is sunk by a U-boat during world war 2
the British in distress send out the message- Help! Help! we are sinking!
the German U-boat picks up the message and says- What are you sinking about?

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A prayer

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.
He called out: "Anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward: "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
Good", said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short"

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What kind of ship never sinks?

A dictatorship.

*sobs*

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The greatest harbor on Earth can shelter not a single ship...

It is truly without pier.

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What are the best Ship puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Ship? Well, here are the best jokes about Ship to have fun with.

Joko Jokes