Ship Jokes
153 ship jokes and hilarious ship puns to laugh out loud. Read vehicle jokes about ship that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Ahoy, matey! Prepare to be entertained with a collection of the funniest ship jokes and puns. We have plenty of boat, cruise ship, pirate ship, and naval jokes for your amusement. Whether it's HMS or a ship sinking, get ready for a voyage of laughter.
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Funniest Ship Short Jokes
Short ship jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The ship humour may include short boat jokes also.
- I bought a sail for my boat on amazon the other day. Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late. That sail has shipped.
- In the army, you have to pay $85 if you lose your rifle. That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
- Why does the Norwegian military have barcodes on its ships? So when they return to the harbor they can Scandinavian.
- Why did Norway's Navy have barcodes on all the ships? So when they come back into port they can Scandinavian...
- Free shipping? I walked into an airport with two bags:
"I want this one to go to Chicago, and this one to go to Paris."
"Sir, you can't do that."
"Why not? It happened the last time." - Why are ships' portholes round? So that if they break, water doesn't hit you square in the face.
- How do viking ships communicate with each other? Norse code
I'm gonna keep making these jokes until one blows up - Why are so many Italian men named Tony? When they ship them over from the Old Country, they stamp "To N.Y." on them...
- TIL: The Norwegian Navy have started to put barcodes on their ships. So they can Scan da navy in
- Why do they actually prefer non-swimmers in the Navy? They defend their ship with a lot more enthusiasm.
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Ship One Liners
Which ship one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with ship? I can suggest the ones about crew and fleet.
- Alright guys, the Suez Canal jokes are getting a bit old now. That ship has sailed.
- Why does Norway's Navy have barcodes on their ships? It's to Scandinavian.
- An LGBQT cruising ship sinks in the middle of the ocean. Who survives? The flambuoyants.
- What do you call a communist pirate ship? The USS-ARRR
- Why are the great pyramid in Egypt? The British couldn't fit them on their ships.
- What did they find in the toilet in the star ship Enterprise? The captain's log.
- I just saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. It was riveting.
- A vampires favorite ship Is a blood vessel.
- What do sea monster like to eat? Fish and ships
- What do you name an American, Communist Pirate Ship? The U.S.S. ARRRGH
- Maybe the Titanic really was a ship of dreams... and its dream was to be a submarine.
- I watched a documentary about how ships are kept together. Riveting
- Did you know that Norway puts barcodes on their ships?? It's so they can scan da navy in
- What is the strictest part of a ship? The stern
- Last night I watched a documentary on how they put ships together... It was riveting!
Pirate Ship Jokes
Here is a list of funny pirate ship jokes and even better pirate ship puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did the pirate say when he saw his kid lighting the ship on fire? Arrr son!
- Pirate Ship Captain: Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals? Crew: I I captain.
- What do you call first aid on a pirate ship? Sea pee yarrrrrrrr!
- What has 7 eyes and 7 legs? A ship with 7 pirates
- What do you call a ship that drives itself? Auto-pirate.
- What happens when a red pirate ship and a brown pirate ship meet on a deserted island? They get marooned
- What did the proud pirate dad say after seeing his son torch an enemy ship? Arr, son.
- A pirate walks into a bar with a ships wheel down the front of his pants. The bartender says, "Hey mate, what's with the wheel?" The pirate responds, "Arg, it's driving me nuts!"
- Why didn't The Black Pearl get cold and drafty on cold winter nights at sea? Because pirate ships have a very high Arrrrrr value.
- Did you hear about the cruise that was rated 3.14 out of 10? It was a pi-rate ship
Ship Crew Jokes
Here is a list of funny ship crew jokes and even better ship crew puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Breaking News: A ship carrying red paint just collided with a ship carrying purple paint, in the South China Sea. Authorities report that the crews of both ships are marooned
- Breaking News - in Hong Kong, a ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying purple paint CNN reports that both crews are marooned
- In order for The Mandalorian's ship to take off he had to ensure his crew and cargo wasn't too heavy. This is the weigh.
- A ship carrying red paint collided with another that was carrying purple paint Both crews were marooned
- A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean...... Both crews were marooned
- Did you hear about the ship that crashed on an island with a cargo of red and brown paint? Apparently the whole crew was marooned.
- 23% of the crew aboard Christopher Columbus' ship Santa Maria were named Juan That's almost a three to Juan ratio.
- Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? Both crews were marooned.
- Why was the captain of a ghost ship beginning to get nervous? He was running the ship on a skeleton crew.
- One ship carrying blue paint collided with another ship carrying red paint. The crew is missing and believed to be marooned.

Friend Ship Jokes
Here is a list of funny friend ship jokes and even better friend ship puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a boat full of buddies? A friend-ship
- I used to have a beautiful house and a lovely car, until my friend introduced me to drugs.... Now, I have a Caribbean Island and a cruise ship.
- What is the favorite boat of a sailor who really values the people in his life? The friend ship
- TIL of an incident during the Cold War when American ships, fearing a Soviet attack, nearly fired on a friendly vessel. Whoops, wrong sub.
- My friend let's everyone use his Amazon account for free shipping We call him the Prime Minister
- My Friend Shipped Me To Egypt Overnight I can't believe it! Its been two days and I'm still in De-Nile.
- My friend has a thing for sinking ships They go down quicker.
- Friend: Did you hear? Two Norwegian ships had a mid sea collision Me: Norway!
- Let me introduce you my friends, right hook and left hook. Things on the pirate ship had become a little oversaturated.
- A sailor told his skeptical friend that he saw a ship that the crew were made up of ghosts and spirits. "Booship!" his friend said.
Ship Sank Jokes
Here is a list of funny ship sank jokes and even better ship sank puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My mom told me that Jesus died when his Royal Caribbean ship sank, but my priest said he actually died on the cross. So...was that cruise a fiction?
- As the Titanic sank, the musicians remained on deck and continued to play music as the ship went down. The captain had said "aBandOn Ship", so they really had no choice.
- Two wires at sea Two wires were on an ocean cruise when the ship sprung a leak and sank. The solid core wire managed to climb into a lifeboat and head to safety.
The other was stranded. - A man drowned at sea attempting to board a life raft after his cargo ship sank. He was only used to going through hardships.
- A ship carrying a cargo of yo-yos hit an iceberg It sank 47 times.
- My girlfriend's friend told us that she told her child that the Titanic sank because Jack and Rose had s**... before marriage. I told her that loose lips sink ships
Cruise Ship Jokes
Here is a list of funny cruise ship jokes and even better cruise ship puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- So a magician on a cruise night has a show every night... NOTSONINJA
- what do you call a cruise full of college graduates? a Scholar-ship !
- The woman that fell off the cruise ship has been named Eileen Dover
- A pink cruise ship crashed into a purple cruise ship. You could say the passengers were marooned.
- My mom told me Jesus died on a Royal Caribbean ship. But my priest insists he died on the cross. Was that cruise a fiction?
- Mr.Rogers once was on a cruise ship, and fell overboard into the ocean
He was then carried safely to shore by a family of sharks. - I got my wife tickets on a cruise ship. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic.
- Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship… The first one asks, Have you read Marx?
The other one replies, Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs. - Do you all have time for a the joke about the world's fastest cruise ship? Don't worry, it's a quick one liner.
- What is a zombie's favourite activity on a cruise ship? Shuffleboard!

Ship Jokes: Steering Through Laughter in the Great Ocean of Humor
What funny jokes about ship you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean shore jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make ship pranks.
A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. "Captain," one of the passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"
"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.
So he shouted out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"
Just o**... stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray."
"Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."
The Secret of the Red Shirt
Once upon a time there was a pirate captain. He ran a very successful ship, and rarely lost any battles. He took a boy under him to teach him the trade.
One day, the lookout shouted, "Marine ship to the starboard, bearing down upon us!". The captain immediately shouted to the boy, "Boy, bring me my red shirt!". The ship was boarded, but the captain rallied the pirates and defeated the marines.
Every time a marine ship attacked them, the captain would give the same order to the boy, "Boy, bring me my red shirt!". And they always won. So, one day the boy asked the captain, "What is the secret of the red shirt?". The captain replied, "The secret is that, if I'm injured in the battle, the crew won't see blood and will not falter." The boy was amazed and grew proud about his captain.
Then one day, the came upon an entire fleet of marine ships. Hundreds upon hundreds of marine ships bore down upon them. The boy came running to the captain with the red shirt. The captain shook his head and said, "Bring me my brown pants."
So a pirate has been on a ship for 6 months...
but there are no women on the ship and being male,he had some...urges, so he asked the captain " arr its been 6 months since we've had a lass on the ship and some of the others are getting urges. what can we do about them??" and the captain responds" go down to the front of the ship and there will be a barrel, stick your privates in there and go at it." so he did as he was told and when he was done he came back. he told the captain " captain! that was great! how many times can i use it????" and the captain turned to him and said " every day except thursday." and the pirate asked " why?" the captain responded " aye, because thats your turn to be in the barrel."
A whale tale
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the b**..., but I absolutely refuse to s**... the s**...."
The story of the pirate.
A pirate walks into a bar, and the bartender notices that there is the steering wheel to a ship on the front of his pants. So the bartender, perplexed, says to him "you know that there's a steering wheel on your c**..., right?" and the pirate says "Arr! Its drivin' me nuts!"
A husband and Wife from the States visit the Holy Land...
During the trip the wife tragically dies. A f**... director in Israel tells the husband that she can be buried in the holy land for $500, or shipped back to the US for $4000. The husband immediately says, "Let's ship her back to the states." The f**... director asks why, when it's so much cheaper to bury her her. Husband says "Someone else came back to life after 3 days being buried here before, I'd rather not take that chance."
So I just started my own indoor ship production company.
Production was great, until sales started going through the roof.
A ship is sinking in the middle of Atlantic...
A ship is going down in the middle of Atlantic. There's no hope, the captain is desperate, and suddenly someone tells him that among the passengers, there's a rabbi who can perform miracles.
The rabbi is immediately brought to the captain, and he implores him:
-- Rabbi, what can be done?!
-- Do you still have the internet connection?
-- Yes!
-- Sell the ship!
A Sea Captain looks through his telescope
and sees ships approaching on the horizon. He says to his first mate "Arrrr Matey, fetch me me red shirt".
"But why, Captain?" the Mate says.
"If these be enemies and we must defend our ship I don't want me men to see me bleed".
The mate fetches the shirt as the Captain looks out again, this time seeing a fleet of Pirate Ships gaining on them. He turns to the first mate again:
"Arrr Matey, fetch me me brown pants".
Can't take that chance
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker
told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man
thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and
you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take
that chance."
The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind....
The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?
Yes, I know, said the lady, I need both hands to hold onto this hat. But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed! said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!
WALKS INTO A BAR... MERMAID s**...
An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.
"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"
The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have s**... with the mermaid."
"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"
"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have s**..., so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."
Clinton on the Titanic
Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic.
The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly.
Everybody starts screaming, panicking, etc.
Reagan shouts: "Women and children first."
Nixon goes: "Screw the women!"
Clinton replies: "Do you think we have time!?"
A man finds himself as the cook on a ship...
A man finds himself as the cook on a ship that has just set off on a voyage. He does a quick survey of the kitchen. Everything seems good except in the pantry he finds several bags of potatoes that are all shaped like p**.... "That's weird," he thinks as he goes and finds the captain.
"Hey, captain, what's with all the potatoes looking like p**.... I don't like it," he says.
The captain replies, "Well you can't change it. This is a dictatorship."
A couple of whales.
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the same side of the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.The male was enraged that they were going to get away and said to the female, "Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."
At this point, the male whale realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him."What's the matter, Darling?"
"Look, Love," she said, "I went along with the b**..., but I absolutely refuse to s**... the s**...".
A man walks into a bar...
An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.
"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"
The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have s**... with the mermaid."
"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"
"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have s**..., so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."
So a navy man returns to his ship after a night in port. The next morning he's shocked to find everyone speaking Russian...
Whoops, wrong sub.
A lawyer, priest, and social worker are on a ship that hits an iceberg...
The captain comes over the intercom: "Everyone please make your way to the lifeboats".
The social worker yells out: "Women & children first!"
The lawyer starts pushing his way towards the boats: "Screw the children!"
The priest responds: "Do we have time?"
A man and his ever-nagging wife are on vacation in Jerusalem
While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "you can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the holy land, for $150.
The man thought about it, and finally decided he would have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home when you can have her burried here for so much less?"
The man replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was burried here, and three days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
A rabbi, a lawyer, and a priest are on a cruise ship as it starts to sink...
As chaos ensues and people are running around frantically, the three men huddle together and try to make a grave decision.
The rabbi says, "we must save the children!"
The lawyer says, "no, screw the children!"
Then the priest says, "do we really have time to screw the children?"
You know why it's women and children first off of a sinking ship?
It's so that the men can have some peace and quiet to figure out a solution.
A shipwreck survivor washes up on the beach...
...of an island and is surrounded by a group of warriors.
I'm done for, the man cries in despair.
No, you are not, comes a booming voice from the heavens. Listen carefully, and do exactly as I say. Grab a spear and push it through the heart of the warrior chief.
The man does what he is told, turns to the heavens, and asks, Now, what?
The booming voice replies, Now you are done for.
A ship is sailing through the sea...
passing by a small island and watches a man screaming and shouting.
A passenger asks the captain:
- Who is he?
- We don't know, he gets crazy every year we pass here.
A Pirate's Life
A pirate goes into a bar and sits down.
The bartender says:
"Wow, you look like you've had a long life. Tell me about it. How did you get your wooden leg?"
" Arrr.... me ship capsized and a shark bit me leg off. Then while loading a canon it blew me hand clean off".
"What about the eye-patch?".
"I happened to look up when a gull flying overhead crapped on me eye".
"Well, that doesn't qualify an eye patch, now does it?"
"Arrrgh, it was the first day I got me hook".
Bill Clinton, George W.Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.
Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.
As the boat sinks, George Washington shouts, "Save the women!"
George W. Bush hollers, "Screw the women!"
Bill Clinton asks excitedly, "Do we have time?"
How can north korea tell if it made a ship or a submarine?
By how fast it sinks.
A ship was sailing in the middle of the ocean....
A storm was developing in the distance. As the storm raged, the captain realised the ship was sinking fast.
He called out loud, "Anyone here knows how to pray?"
A man proudly raised his hand and came forward, "Aye Captain, I know how to pray."
The Captain replied, "Great, you keep praying while the rest of us put our life jackets on.......we are short of one!"
It's hard to think about my wife, who passed away during delivery
Tip: Never, *EVER* go with a mail-order Russian bride who arrives by ship.
Yoda and Luke Skywalker are together in a ship when Luke asks...
Luke: are we on track?
Yoda: off course, we are.
A captain and his crew...
A crew mate runs to his captain "Captain! Captain! There is an enemy ship on the horizon! What do we do?" The captain replies "Grab me my red shirt." "Why?" The crew mate asks. "So that my crew doesn't see me bleeding from the battle." The captain replies. Another guy runs up "Captain! Captain! I have an update there are 7 more ships what should I do?" "Go get me my brown pants."
A cruise ship sinks in the middle of the sea...
The people on the ship manage to escape on life boats. A woman comes to the captain and asks him: "How far is the closest land?"
The captain answers :"3 km."
The woman says after: "In which direction?", to which the captain replied :"Down"
Why do we let women and children off a sinking ship first?
So the sharks aren't hungry anymore.
When Microsoft and Apple ship faulty products
Microsoft: We will fix that faulty battery timer through a software update. *never fixes it though*
Apple: *quietly removes the battery timer*
A cruise ship is sailing in the Caribbean..
The cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man with an eyepatch running around and waving his arms wildly.
Captain, one passenger asks, who is that man over there?
I have no idea, the captain says, but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
A Navy ship hailed a civilian at sea...
**Navy**: We ask that you divert your course 15 degrees north, to avoid collision.
**Civilian**: Negative. Recommend that *you* divert 15 degrees north, to avoid collision.
**Navy**: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.
**Civilian**: Negative. I say again, recommend you change course.
**Navy**: This is the aircraft carrier *Enterprise*! We are a large warship of the U.S. Navy! Divert your course *immediately*!
**Civilian**: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
The power of prayer
A ship is sinking, the captain turns to the people on the boat and asks, "does anyone here know how to pray?"
The priest on boards says he can pray.
Captain: "Ok priest, you pray. Everyone else will wear a life jacket. We are short of one."
When I lost my p**..., the Army charged me $125.
That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
It's not the size of the ship, nor the motion of the ocean...
It's whether or not the captain stays in port long enough for all the passengers to get off.
An American man visits the Holy Land...
An American man visits the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. Sadly the mother-in-law died. When seeing the local Israeli undertaker, it was explained that they could ship the body home for $5,000. But if they buried her locally it would cost only $150. The man said to the undertaker "We'll ship her home." The undertaker asked "Are you sure? It's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here." The man replied "look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I can't take that chance."
A cargo ship sank in the ocean. The cargo, Idaho potatoes and rubber p**..., floated in the vicinity.
The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the water, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship.
"I already know what kind of ship to look for," the diver told the chopper pilot.
"How could you possibly know what kind of ship it was?" replied the pilot.
"It was a dictatorship."
Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?"
Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band."
"There is no band on this ship."
"No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."
These days you can't even say "blackboard" anymore.
The politically correct term is: "Jamal, get on my ship."
A lawyer, a priest and a doctor are all on a ship filled with children and it begins to sink.
They all jump into the life boats, but due to the weight, the life boats start sinking as well.
The doctor exclaims Save the children! And begins to jump out of the lifeboat.
The lawyer grabs the doctor and pulls him back stating Screw the children!
The priest says Do we have time?
A sailor walks into a bar
The barkeep asks, "How did you end up with that peg leg?"
And the pirate replies, "A cannon ball blasted out the deck and took me leg with it."
"Why do you have that hook?"
"Arrrgh! We was looting a ship and lost me hand in a sword fight."
"And the eye patch?"
"I looked up at a seagull and blimey, the scalliwag crapped right in me eye."
"You lost your eye from bird p**...?"
"It was me first day with the hook."
A magician gets himself a parrot for his act
After a couple weeks of performing with the magician the parrot begins to heckle the magician during his shows. "it's under his hat, it's up his sleeve, his assistant has it."
The magician is performing on a cruise ship when the ship sinks. The magician wakes up on a piece of driftwood with the parrot standing on the opposite end. The parrot and the magician spend 2 days floating at sea without saying a word.
Finally the parrot says, "Alright, I give up. Where's the boat?"
The first time Chewbacca tried to fly a ship, he pulled gear lever instead of break lever.
A Wookie mistake.
A woman with a morbid fear of drowning is on a ship in the middle of an ocean. Nervously,she asks a crew member 'how far away from land are we?' He reassures her' don't worry,we're only 5 miles from land'. Relieved, she says 'oh,in which direction?'
'That would be straight down Ma'am', he replies..
A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.
He turns on his signal lamp and sends, Change your course, 10 degrees west.
The light signals back, Change yours, 10 degrees east.
The captain gets a little annoyed. He signals, I'm a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.
The light signals back, I'm a s**... First Class. You must change your course, sir.
Now the captain is mad. He signals, I'm an aircraft carrier. I'm not changing my course.
The light signals back a final message: I'm a lighthouse. Your call.
How do ships flirt online?
They send deck pics.
Yoda would be a terrible navigation officer
If you were piloting a ship with him and asked him Are we going the right way to Alderaan?
He'd reply saying Off course, we are .
My Grandad knew that The Titanic was going to sink.
He told every man, woman and child that the ship was going to sink.
They hushed him up.
He shouted "The ship is going to hit an iceberg and sink"
Stiĺl they tried to silence him.
He shouted even louder, "THE TITANIC IS GOING TO HIT A ICEBERG AND SINK!"
That was it! He'd been warned, so they threw him out of the cinema.
my nagging wife died suddenly on a trip in Jeruselum
f**... director: "Sir, it would cost about $45,000 if we send her home back to the states or $500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem"
Me: "ship her home"
f**... director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money"
Me: "A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead, I can't take that chance"
A s**... goes up to his captain
He says Captain there is an enemy ship on the horizon.
The captain says Bring me my red shirt.
After the battle, the s**... is taking to the captain.
Captain, why did you tell me to bring you your red shirt?
If I was shot, the crew wouldn't notice and continue fighting.
Then someone shouted 20 enemy ships on the horizon!
The captain tells the s**..., Bring me my brown pants.
A lady with a morbid fear of drowning is on a ship in the middle of an ocean. Nervously , she asks a crew member 'just how far away from land are we?' Calmly, he reassures her ' you have nothing to worry about ,we're only 5 kilometers from land.' Relieved, she inquires 'oh, in which direction?'
That would be straight down, Miss........
Why are there so many Italian guys named Tony ?
Because when they were loaded onto a ship from Italy, they stamped their foreheads with To: NY
If James T. Kirk ran a drug business from his ship...
Would it be a criminal Enterprise?
What do you call 2 pirates that like each other?
a pirate ship
i know it s**... but i literally made this on the spot like a couple mins ago and thought to share it
2 men go fishing, One has a stutter
The man with a stutter says shh ssshhh sshh . The other man says what is it, did you catch a fish ? The stuttering man continues to make ssshhh noises, the other man says spit it out . The stuttering man says ssshhh ship!! Before the 2nd man can react a ship crashes into their boat.
Months later they both have recovered and go on another fishing trip. The stuttering man again starts saying ssshhh . The 2nd man starts panicking thinking he's going to get hurt again. The 2nd man jumps out of the boat as fast as he can, the stuttering man says sshhh sshhh Shark!!
The first mate on a ship rarely drinks
The first mate on a ship rarely drinks, but the crew threw him a party on his birthday and went out of their way to get him drunk. The next morning he woke up with a hangover, and went to the bridge. He opened the ship's log and found that the captain had written, "The first mate got drunk last night". He complained to the captain saying that it was very rare. The captain defended his entry saying that it was the truth, wasn't it? The next day the captain opened the ship's log, and the first mate had written, "The captain was able to stay sober last night."
A joke I heard while working in China a few years ago
A Chinese state-owned container ship is highjacked by pirates. A Chinese Communist Party official is sent to negotiate.
The pirates' leader, waving his gun, shouted: the ransom is TEN MILLION dollars! Or everyone on the ship will die!
The official responded, calmly: I will give you twenty million, but you'll write me a receipt of forty million.
I wanted to tell my children a story about a ship that brings cars from one side of the river to the other
But then I noticed that they're too old for ferry tales.
What's the difference between a 19th Century shipwright and a 21st Century fan fic writer?
One tries to fit as many cannons as they can onto a ship. The other tries to fit as many ships as they can into canon.
A ship was sinking...
The captain of the ship gathers all passengers on deck and asks the crowd: "Does anyone here know how to say prayers".
A priest steps forward: "I can" he says with some pride in his voice. "Actually, I used to say the best prayers in the monastery, and they would be answered by God too" he continues boastfully.
"Great" answers the captain, "We're one life jacket short, so you say prayers, me and the crew are gonna rescue the rest of passengers by the life jackets".

