ship Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious ship puns

WARNING... Dad joke ahead.

This actually just happened.

Wife and Son are playing an intense game of battle ship.

Son: I-8

Me: I haven't ate... I'm hungry

Wife: (not finding the humor)... miss... E-10

Me: Grammar Nazi.

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In the army, you have to pay $85 if you lose your rifle.

That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

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Why is the camel called the ship of the desert?

Because its full of Arab semen

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A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. "Captain," one of the passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"

"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."

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A cargo ship sank in the ocean. The cargo, Idaho potatoes and rubber penises, floated in the vicinity.

The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the water, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship.


"I already know what kind of ship to look for," the diver told the chopper pilot.

"How could you possibly know what kind of ship it was?" replied the pilot.

"It was a dictatorship."

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A priest, rabbi, and a preacher are all on a sinking ship

Rabbi: we have to get off the ship!

Preacher: we have to save the kids first!

Rabbi: fuck the kids!

Priest: do we have time?

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A grammar nazi pirate is sailing his ship getting ready to attack an enemy ship...

when one of his men comes up to him and hollers:

*"The cannons be ready, Captain!"*

The Captain looks at him and says:

*"Arrrrrrrrrre"*

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A guy gets horny during his first week on a pirate ship...

So he goes up to the captain and asks "What do you guys use when you get horny?"

 

The captain says: "There's a barrel over there with a hole in it; we use that".

 
Guy: "Great when can I use it?"

 
Captain: "You can use it any day of the week, except Tuesday".

 
Guy: "Why not Tuesday?"

 
The captain grinned and said: "Cause that's your day in the barrel."

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Why are so many Italian men named Tony?

When they ship them over from the Old Country, they stamp "To N.Y." on them...

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What do you call a communist pirate ship?

The USS-ARRR

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A priest, a pastor, and a rabbi are on a sinking ship.

The pastor yells "Save the children!"

The rabbi replies "Pft, fuck the children!"

The priest says "Do you think we have time?"

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When I was in the army, I broke my rifle and had to pay 600$.

I guess that's why the captain always goes down with the ship.

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Yoda and Luke Skywalker are together in a ship when Luke asks...

Luke: are we on track?

Yoda: off course, we are.

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When I lost my pistol, the Army charged me $125.

That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

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When I was in the army, I lost my rifle and had to pay $865 for a new one

Now I'm starting to understand why navy captains always go down with their ship

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What did they find in the toilet in the star ship Enterprise?

The captain's log.

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It's not the size of the ship, nor the motion of the ocean...

It's whether or not the captain stays in port long enough for all the passengers to get off.

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Why do we let women and children off a sinking ship first?

So the sharks aren't hungry anymore.

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Bill Clinton, George W.Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

As the boat sinks, George Washington shouts, "Save the women!"

George W. Bush hollers, "Screw the women!"

Bill Clinton asks excitedly, "Do we have time?"

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Atheism is a non-prophet organization

As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.

So he shouted out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"

Just one guy stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray."

"Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."

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A husband and Wife from the States visit the Holy Land...

During the trip the wife tragically dies. A funeral director in Israel tells the husband that she can be buried in the holy land for $500, or shipped back to the US for $4000. The husband immediately says, "Let's ship her back to the states." The funeral director asks why, when it's so much cheaper to bury her her. Husband says "Someone else came back to life after 3 days being buried here before, I'd rather not take that chance."

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A pirate talks with his captain...

'Captain, how did you get your peg leg?'

'Yarrr... Me ship sank. I was rescued, but not before a great white took me leg.'

'What about your hook hand?'

'Me ship was boarded. I repelled the bastards, but not before I lost me hand.'

'And what about your eye patch?'

'Yarrr... a bird shit in me eye.'

'I don't understand.... How did that cause you to lose an eye???'

'It was me first day with the hook!'

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A lawyer, priest, and social worker are on a ship that hits an iceberg...

The captain comes over the intercom: "Everyone please make your way to the lifeboats".
The social worker yells out: "Women & children first!"
The lawyer starts pushing his way towards the boats: "Screw the children!"
The priest responds: "Do we have time?"

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nagging wife

A Scotsman and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem when the wife died suddenly. The undertaker said it will cost Β£5000 to ship her home or Β£50 to bury her here. The husband said ship her home. The undertaker said "but Sir why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money." The husband said "listen here pal, a long long time ago a man called Jesus was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead....... Shes goin fuckin home!"

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2 Dinosaurs were sat on a beach watching as a ship sailed into the sunset

One dinosaur turns to the other and says "That Noah's a bit of a twat isn't he."

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Maybe the Titanic really was a ship of dreams...

and its dream was to be a submarine.

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You know why it's women and children first off of a sinking ship?

It's so that the men can have some peace and quiet to figure out a solution.

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So a navy man returns to his ship after a night in port. The next morning he's shocked to find everyone speaking Russian...

Whoops, wrong sub.

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I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army.

I had to pay $855 to cover the loss. I'm starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

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What is the strictest part of a ship?

The stern

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A cruise ship sinks in the middle of the sea...

The people on the ship manage to escape on life boats. A woman comes to the captain and asks him: "How far is the closest land?"
The captain answers :"3 km."
The woman says after: "In which direction?", to which the captain replied :"Down"

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A captain and his crew...

A crew mate runs to his captain "Captain! Captain! There is an enemy ship on the horizon! What do we do?" The captain replies "Grab me my red shirt." "Why?" The crew mate asks. "So that my crew doesn't see me bleeding from the battle." The captain replies. Another guy runs up "Captain! Captain! I have an update there are 7 more ships what should I do?" "Go get me my brown pants."

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A ship is sailing through the sea...

passing by a small island and watches a man screaming and shouting.

A passenger asks the captain:

- Who is he?

- We don't know, he gets crazy every year we pass here.

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Sinking Ship...

A pediatrician, a lawyer, and a priest were on the Titanic while it was going down. The pediatrician said "Save the children!" The lawyer said "Fuck the children!" To which the priest replied "Do we have time?"

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What did the pirate say when he saw his kid lighting the ship on fire?

Arrr son!

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What are the most funny Ship jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Ship? Well, here are the best Ship dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Ship pick up lines to share with friends.

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