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Ship Crew Jokes

67 ship crew jokes and hilarious ship crew puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about ship crew that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Ship Crew Short Jokes

Short ship crew jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The ship crew humour may include short crew member jokes also.

  1. Pirate Ship Captain: Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals? Crew: I I captain.
  2. Breaking News: A ship carrying red paint just collided with a ship carrying purple paint, in the South China Sea. Authorities report that the crews of both ships are marooned
  3. Breaking News - in Hong Kong, a ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying purple paint CNN reports that both crews are marooned
  4. In order for The Mandalorian's ship to take off he had to ensure his crew and cargo wasn't too heavy. This is the weigh.
  5. A ship carrying red paint collided with another that was carrying purple paint Both crews were marooned
  6. A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean...... Both crews were marooned
  7. Did you hear about the ship that crashed on an island with a cargo of red and brown paint? Apparently the whole crew was marooned.
  8. 23% of the crew aboard Christopher Columbus' ship Santa Maria were named Juan That's almost a three to Juan ratio.
  9. Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? Both crews were marooned.
  10. Why was the captain of a ghost ship beginning to get nervous? He was running the ship on a skeleton crew.

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Ship Crew One Liners

Which ship crew one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with ship crew? I can suggest the ones about crew and ship.

  1. A red ship and a blue ship collided in the middle of the sea The crew was marooned.
  2. What crew mans a haunted ship? A skeleton crew!

Ship Crew Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about ship crew you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean sea captain jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make ship crew pranks.

A young boy was walking along the docks one day admiring the ships, when a man walked up behind him and said, “Thinking of becoming a sailor?” “Yes, I am!” replied the boy. “Well,” the man said, “I have sailed many years and have had many adventures.” The boy looked the man up and down, and saw that he had an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook. “I would love to hear of your adventures,” said the boy. “Well,” the man said, “I was sailing around the Cape of Good Hope when I encountered pirates. They boarded my boat and I fought them 'til there was only one left. But before he got away he cut off my leg!” “That sounds terrible!” exclaimed the boy. “Aye lad, it was, but I got over it and continued sailing the seas.” “How did you get the hook?” inquired the boy. “I was once again sailing around the Cape of Good Hope on my way home when I encountered the same pirate with a whole new crew. They boarded me again and I fought down to the last man, only this time as he got away, he cut of my hand!” “That is awful!” the boy once again exclaimed. “Aye lad, but again I got over it and continued sailing the seas.” “Tell me how you got the eye patch! Was it the pirates again?” “No lad, this time I was just out finishing one day, I heard the cry of a gull, and when I looked up it sh*t in me eye!” “Pardon me sir, but I didn’t know you could lose an eye from gull sh*t.” “Well lad, 'twas the first day with the hook!!!”

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt.
After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.
"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."
"That's very sensible, sir."
At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon.
The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.
"Get my brown pants."

The Fearsome Pirate

The most fearsome pirate captain on the seven seas is sailing through the Bermuda Triangle when suddenly his first mate comes up next to him and says "Sir, one of the King's ships has been sighted over the horizon. They're armed and we should be ready for battle."
The captain turns around and replies "Aye, thank you matey. Ready the cannons and bring me my red jacket."
The first mate is confused and asks the captain why he needs a red jacket. The captain replies "Arr, if I am shot and the crew sees that I'm bleeding they're liable to be afraid."
The first mate admires the captain's bravery, so he goes off to the captain's quarters to fetch his jacket. Once he comes above deck to find the captain, however, he realizes that just visible on the horizon is an enormous armada of ships - hundreds and hundreds of Royal Navy vessels coming towards them from every possible direction. They are completely surrounded.
The captain whispers to him:
"Aye, matey, find me brown pants."

There was a pirate ship...

And the man in the crow's nest looked through his scope and yelled down to the captain "ONE ship on the horizon!". The captain then said "Get me my red shirt, for if I am wounded in battle, my crew will not see me bleeding and they will fight on". The man in the crow's nest looked again yelled down to the captain "TEN ships on the horizon!!!" The captain then said "Get me my brown pants."

The Secret of the Red Shirt

Once upon a time there was a pirate captain. He ran a very successful ship, and rarely lost any battles. He took a boy under him to teach him the trade.
One day, the lookout shouted, "Marine ship to the starboard, bearing down upon us!". The captain immediately shouted to the boy, "Boy, bring me my red shirt!". The ship was boarded, but the captain rallied the pirates and defeated the marines.
Every time a marine ship attacked them, the captain would give the same order to the boy, "Boy, bring me my red shirt!". And they always won. So, one day the boy asked the captain, "What is the secret of the red shirt?". The captain replied, "The secret is that, if I'm injured in the battle, the crew won't see blood and will not falter." The boy was amazed and grew proud about his captain.
Then one day, the came upon an entire fleet of marine ships. Hundreds upon hundreds of marine ships bore down upon them. The boy came running to the captain with the red shirt. The captain shook his head and said, "Bring me my brown pants."

A pirate ship is sailing across the Atlantic..

When suddenly the lookout shouts, "Enemy ship heading our way!" The captain, as soon as he hears this, tells his first mate to go grab his red coat.
After they defeated the enemy, his first mate asks what the red coat was for. The captain responds, "Whenever I go into battle with my crew, I don't want them to lose morale by seeing my blood stain me, so I wear this coat to hide my wounds from them."
The next day the lookout warns them, "There's a fleet of five enemy ships heading our way!"
Upon hearing this, the captain tells his first mate to grab his brown pants.

Pirate Joke

While out at sea, a first mate runs to the captain and saying "Captain! There are ten enemy ships on the horizon!"
The Captain responds "Aye! Bring me my red shirt."
The Captain puts the shirt on and battle ensues. After a few hours, they emerge from the fight victorious. The first mate asks "Why did you need your red shirt?"
The captain replies "Because if i was wounded in battle, the crew wouldn't notice and would continue without me."
A few weeks later, the first mate runs frantically to the captain saying "Captain, there are 100 enemy ships on the horizon! What are we to do?
"Get me my brown pants!"

Captain of a Ship..

Captain of a Naval ship spots pirates on the horizon, He calls the men to arms and asks "Quick men, Bring me my red shirt." Just before they encounter the pirates he puts on the Red Shirt, they fight, the win the battle.
That night while celebrating the victory some of the crew members ask the Captain "Why do you always wear the red shirt into battle?"
"Well, If the worst should happen and i get wounded, i do not want my men to see me weak, so i wear a red shirt so no one can see me bleed." the captain responded.
'Wow' they thought, our captain is really a great leader.
A few days later as they searched, they came across a fleet of pirate ships, dozens over dozens of pirate ships. Worse, the pirates were headed their way. The Captain called they to arms and say "Quick men, bring me my brown pants."

Display of courage in House of Leaves.

From "Tom's Story", *House of Leaves*:
I call this "A Little Bedtime Story For Tom."
A long time ago, there was this captain and he was out sailing the high seas when one of his crew spotted a pirate ship on the horizon. Right before the battle began, the captain cried out, "Bring me my red shirt!" It was a long fight but in the end the captain and his crew were victorious.
The next day three pirate ships appeared. Once again the captain cried out, "Bring me my red shirt!" and once again the captain and his men defeated the pirates. That evening everyone was sitting around, resting, and taking care of their wounds, when an ensign asked the captain why he always put on his red shirt before battle. The captain calmly replied, "I wear the red shirt so that if I'm wounded, no one will see the blood. That way everyone will continue to fight on unafraid." All the men were moved by this great display of courage.
Well the next day, ten pirate ships were spotted. The men turned to their captain and waited for him to give his usual command. Calm as ever, the captain cried out, "Bring me my brown pants."

The Captain

A long time ago there was this captain on his boat with his crew, sailing the high seas when they spotted a pirate ship. Before the battle began, the captain shouted, "Bring me my red shirt!" It was a long fight but the captain and his men were victorious. The next day three pirate ships appeared. The captain cried, "Bring me my red shirt!" and they proceeded to defeat the three pirate ships. Later on, as the crew was resting and tending to their wounds, an ensign asked the captain why he always wore that red shirt. The captain replied "I wear the red shirt so that if I'm wounded, no one will see the blood. That way everyone will continue to fight on unafraid." The crew was moved by this great display of courage.
The next day, ten pirate ships were spotted. The men looked to their captain, waiting for his command. Calm as ever, the captain cried out, "Bring me my brown pants."

Brave Captain Smith

One fine day, brave Captain Smith and his crew of sailors were sailing the ocean blue. Suddenly, on the horizon, there loomed a ship with a skull and crossbones raised on the mast. The crew was frantic, seeking refuge and asking the captain what to do.
Brave Captain Smith looked at the approaching ship for a moment and said, "Bring me my red shirt." The call was taken up at once by a cabin boy. As soon as Captain Smith had the shirt in his possession, he ordered the man at the wheel to head straight for the pirate ship. In the ensuing fight, the pirate ship was all but destroyed.
The sailors were recounting their individual triumphs afterwards when someone asked Captain Smith why he had asked for his red shirt before the battle. He responded: "If I was wounded, I did not want your confidence to wane. This way, you would keep fighting no matter what happened to me."
The crew had a new found admiration for its captain, and they talked all night about his bravery. About a week later, there loomed on the horizon 10 pirate ships. Once again, the crew looked to its captain for leadership. Calmly, Captain Smith said, "Boys, bring me my brown pants!"

A Pirate Captain Spots a Naval Ship On The Horizon

... He turns to his first mate and says "Get me my red shirt!". The first mate asks why and the captain replies, "If I get injured in battle I wouldn't want my crew to worry about me". The first mate nods and fetches the shirt.
The pirates engage the naval ship but soon discover it was a the flagship of a much larger naval fleet that was heading in their direction.
The captain turns to his first mate and says "Fetch me my brown pants!"

A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate walks into a bar and sits. He is dressed as a stereotypical pirate, with a hook hand, peg leg, eyepatch, and a parrot on his shoulder. As the bartender prepares his drink, he asks, "What happened to your hand?" The pirate replies, "I was sparring with me crew and one cut off me hand." Bartender: "What about your leg?" Pirate: "We were boarding an enemy ship and o**... went and cut off me leg." Bartender: "And the eyepatch?" Pirate: "Well, Polly pooped in me eye." The bartender exclaims, "That doesn't make you lose an eye!" The pirate sighs and says, "It was me first day with the hook."

A captain and his crew are standing on their boat...

...when suddenly another boat comes along, and they don't look too nice. "Get me my red shirt!", says the captain to one of the crew. "Why, sir?" the man responds. "Because if I get shot, they won't see the blood, because it will blend in with the shirt!" "Good idea, captain! I'll get the shirt right away!" Eventually, the violent-looking boat ends up sailing off, not being too violent after all. However, later that night, 5 boats, all armed with many cannons on their side, come to surround the captain's ship. "You there," the captain yells, "get me my brown pants!"

Soiled Pirate

There once was a noble Pirate who had a very mighty crew.
One day, they spotted an enemy ship coming towards them when they were sailing.
The Pirate said "YOU! Go get me red shirt!"
So the young and rising Pirate did as the captain had said.
Then a fierce battle took place between the two ships, with the red-shirted Pirate and his crew standing tall.
Then one Pirate asked the captain "Sir, why do ye always wear a red shirt into battle?"
The captain replied "Because if I get shot the blood will not show and will not scare the courage out of me crew."
Days passed. Then one morning a young Pirate shouted from the top of the mast "SIR! 7 ENEMY SHIPS ON THE HORIZON!"
The captain then turned to another young, rising Pirate and said:
"Aye, go fetch me red shirt... and me brown pants too..."

A captain of a pirate ship is sailing the high seas...

when he encounters another ship. A fight breaks out amongst the two ships and the captain requests that his first mate fetch him his lucky red shirt. The captain leads his crew to victory, and after the fight, the first mate mentions that it must have been because of the lucky red shirt. The captain speaks up and says "No matey, I wear this shirt to hide the bloodstains so you will all keep fighting instead of tending to me". A few days later, the ship encounters the Black Pearl, the mightiest ship of the seas. The first mate asks the captain if he'd like his lucky red shirt. He replies "No matey, fetch me my brown pants".

The Captains Wife

The crew of a US navy battle ship was back home after many months of being out to sea. To celebrate, the captain of the ship organized a formal ball and the entire crew was there in thier unforms. The big band was playing and the sailors were hitting the bar and drinking hard as they admired the Captains beautiful wife sitting at the head table with the captain himself.
One of the drunken sailors spoke up, "Im gonna ask the capins wife ta dance wit me!" The other sailors just laughed at him as he swaggered on down to the captains table. Sailor says, "Hey Capin, may I dansh wit your wife?" The captain, having been drinking himself, nodded the OK.
Stunned, the other sailors watched as their lowly shipmate and the captains wife engaged in a slow dance. The sailor having been out to sea for several months was very happy to be dancing with this beautiful woman.
After a few minutes of dancing the captains wife speaks up and says, "My, but you smell very nice. What do you have on?" The sailor speaks into her ear and says, " I have a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it."

A schoolteacher quits his job to become a pirate...

In 18th century America, a schoolteacher decides that he's sick and tired of teaching spelling and grammar to children all day. So he quits his job, sells his house, and plans to become a pirate. He goes down the harbor to buy a boat and hire a crew. Once his crew is ready, they head out onto the high seas, with the captain/former teacher at the helm.
As they sail, they spy a merchant ship on the horizon and start chasing it. As they catch up, the captain tells the first mate to command the crew to start priming the cannons. The first mate sends the message down and the crew readies the cannonballs, prepares the gunpowder, and takes aim at the merchant ship. The first mate runs back up to the helm and says "captain, the cannons be ready!"
The captain turns to the first mate and says "are!"

Biscuits & Doughnuts

An Admiral visits one of the ships under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the US Naval Insignia stamped on every biscuit.
He went to the cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command. The cook replied, "Well Admiral, after each one is cut out I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the insignia".
Horrified, the Admiral exclaims "That's very unhygienic!"
The cook shrugs and replies "In that case sir, I'd suggest you skip the Doughnuts".

The Captain's Pants

The Captain of a ship was standing on deck when his lookout called down "Captain! I see 1 ship on the horizon!" The Captain prepared the crew for battle and called to his first mate "Bring me my red pants! If I get hit I don't want my men to know! I want them to keep fighting!" The battle was long and hard won by the captain and his men. They were standing on the damaged deck when the look out called down "Captain! I see 10 ships on the horizon!" The Captain turned to his first mate and said "Bring me my brown pants."

Captain and his red shirt

A newly appointed captain on a ship is standing on the deck, when a call comes out 'An enemy ship is approaching!' The captain calmly turns to his first mate and says 'Bring me my red shirt.' They're victorious and after the battle some of the crew ask the captain why he asked for his red shirt; he says that in a red shirt his wounds won't be seen by the crew in combat, and help their morale.
A few weeks later the captain is standing on deck when the call comes down that two enemy ships are approaching. Again the captain asks for his red shirt, they're once again victorious.
Another week goes by and there is another call, this time three ships. Captain asks for his red shirt, and again victory!
Next week when the captain is standing on the deck he hears his crew yell 'Captain! Ten enemy ships are approaching!' The captain turns to his first mate, and quitely says: 'Bring me my brown pants.'

An Admiral visited one of the ships under his command.

While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.
He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.
The Chief replied, "I'd be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia."
Horrified, the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"
The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, if that's the way you feel, Sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."

Old but gold, Captain Jack Arrow.

Jack Arrow was a captain of a pirate ship. He was always chased by danger. As one day, a crew member came up to captain jack and said " We got an enemy ship approaching us from behind, sir!!!" Captain Jack, with all confidence, replied "Bring me my red shirt!". As the enemy ship boarded Captain Jack's ship, a battle initiated, and it went successfully for Captain Jack's side as not a single crew member of his lost their live. After the battle, the crew member approached Captain Jack, "Sir, why did you ask me to bring your shirt? and why specifically 'red'?" the crew member asked. Captain Jack, with a smile on his face, replied "So that in case I get wounded in battle, my crew would continue to fight!". The very next morning, the same crew member came up to Captain Jack with t**... on his face "Sir! we have TEN enemy ships approaching us from behind, sir!!!". Captain Jack, stared dead serious at his face, then screamed "BRING ME MY BROWN PANTS!"

A young sailor after his first week on his ship, asks another sailor...

Sailor 1: "Listen, are there any women on this ship?"
Sailor 2: "Nope, the entire crew is only men."
Sailor 1: "So, when you really need a woman, what do you do?"
Sailor 2: "Well, there's a cook that we all use in cases like that..."
The young sailor shows a disgusted face and walks away.
*Another week passes by...*
Sailor 1: "All right, I can't take it anymore. How about that cook?"
Sailor 2: "We can arrange it, but it's gonna cost you."
Sailor 1: "How much?"
Sailor 2: "$400."
Sailor 1: "$400?! Why so much?"
Sailor 2: "You need to pay the captain $100, because he doesn't like this kind of things happening on his ship, then you have to pay $100 to the second in command, because he also doesn't like it, and then you have to pay $100 to two of your mates, to hold the cook, because he doesn't like it either."

Navy biscuits

An Admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.

The Chief replied, "I'd be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia.

Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"

The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, If that's the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."

A boat in the Atlantic ocean was starting to sink...

... The captain gathered everyone and said "OK everyone, it looks like we are going down, does anyone know how to pray?" One of the ships crew members sitting in the back raises his hand and Hays "yes captain I know how to pray." The captain responds "OK well you start praying and everyone else put a life jacket on, we're short one jacket."
Another joke from my 95 year old grandpa.

A pirate crew is fleeing from a whaling ship

One pirate swabbie asks, "This be the whaling ship driven by the w**... with two vaginas?"
The pirate says, "Aye, we best be wary of har poons."

A captain and his crew...

A crew mate runs to his captain "Captain! Captain! There is an enemy ship on the horizon! What do we do?" The captain replies "Grab me my red shirt." "Why?" The crew mate asks. "So that my crew doesn't see me bleeding from the battle." The captain replies. Another guy runs up "Captain! Captain! I have an update there are 7 more ships what should I do?" "Go get me my brown pants."

I work on a freighter that transports p**...-shaped potatoes around the world. The crew regulations are oppressively strict.

It's run like a d**...-tater-ship.

A ship's captain is running accross the deck....

He gets to the back overlooking the sea and starts undoing his pants. One of the crew sees this and asks him: "what in God's name are you doing sir?". The captain turns his head and says "I aft to pee".

What does the crew of the HMS Nando submarine use to spot incoming ships?

The peri-periscope

One ship carrying blue paint collided with another ship carrying red paint.

The crew is missing and believed to be marooned.

Once there were two pirates who were identical twins...

These twins, the Tillery brothers, were named Arthur and Artemis, but both of them liked to be called Art. The only way that the captain and crew could tell them apart was by weight: Arthur was much fatter than his twin.
One day, the pirate ship was attacked by a Royal Navy ship. "All hands on deck!" The captain ordered. He pointed to the cannons and shouted, "Fire the heavy artillery!"
Hearing this, one of the pirates picked up Arthur, shoved him in the cannon, and fired.
"What did you do that for?" The captain asked.
"Sorry sir," the pirate replied. "But I'm sure you told me to fire the heavy Art Tillery."

A Pirate Ship is attacked by a similar sized ship

Before the impending battle begins, the captain says to his crew mate, "Bring me me red shirt." The crew fought gallantly, and won. After the battle, the crew mate asks his captain, "Sir, why did you ask for thy red shirt?" The captain responds, "so that way, if I was wounded in battle, the crew wouldn't realize and continue fighting bravely." The crew mate says, "Wow! That's really a good idea." A few days later, a huge navy ship approaches to defeat the pirates. The ship was armed with hundreds of cannons and thousands of crewmen. Te captain quickly turns to his crew mate and says, "Bring me my brown pants..."

Captains Pants (one of my favorites)

One day, a scout on a small ship sees another equally sized ship on the horizon.
He tells the captain that the ship looks hostile, so the captain orders everyone on board to ready the cannons.
He then tells the scout to bring him his red shirt so that way his blood will not show and the men on board will continue to fight and not be afraid if he was injured.
After a long and weary battle, the day is won.
The very next day, 10 ships appear on the horizon, and the scout tells the captain.
The entire crew waits to here what he has to say.
Staring at the approaching ships the captain says, "Bring me my brown pants."

A Pirate ship is out at sea.

One of the crew runs up to the captain and yells
"There is an enemy ship approaching!"
"Fetch me my red shirt" says the captain.
"Why?"
"Because then they will not know if I am bleeding!"
They fight and fight and win the battle. The next day, the crewmember yells
"two enemy ships are approaching!"
"Bring me my red shirt!" calls the captain once more. So they fight, and once again win.
One day, a crewmember runs up to the captain yet again.
"Sir! There are 10 enemy ships approaching! We're surrounded!"
So the captain yells "Bring me my brown pants!"

A pirate and his crew

A captain and his pirate crew would always go out to battle against groups of ships of 4 or 5.
Before he does, he always says to his crew, Someone, get me my red suit!
He would do this before every battle.
Then one day, one if his crew would say, O' Captain, why do you always wear your red suit to battle?
He would respond with, That way, if I get hurt and bleed, no one would notice it.
His crew, upon hearing this, were quite impressed.
The next day the captain went out to battle and saw 100 ships all aimed at him
Someone get me my brown pants.

A sailor told his skeptical friend that he saw a ship that the crew were made up of ghosts and spirits.

"Booship!" his friend said.

Why did the crew from the Hitchhiker's Guide have such a hard time getting around?

Because there was a dent in the ship

Crew Morale

The captain of a ship noticed the crew seemed unhappy. So he asked the first mate, What is the status of the crew? The first mate yelled, ALL R-BORED!

A pirate joke:

A pirate ship is sailing the sea when suddenly 2 British ships surround it. The captain shouts "bring me my red shirt" the pirates win and continue sailing
Later, 5 British ships surround the pirates ship. The captain yells again "bring me my red shirt" the fight is tough but the pirates win.
Then one of the crew members asks the captain "why do you always ask for your red shirt before battle?"
The captain answers
" so the ship's crew can't see the blood of my wounds, that way they are not demoralized".
Afterwards 15 British ships surround the pirate ship, and the captain yells
"bring me my brown pants"

BREAKING NEWS!

Two tanker ships collided and sank in the southern Pacific Ocean yesterday. One was filled with red paint and the other, smaller tanker, was filled with blue paint. All crew members survived but now are marooned on an uninhabited island.

Gay pirate ship

What's the crew's favorite activity on a gay Pirate Ship? Splittin' all the b**...!

The captain of a cruise ship tells to the passengers and the crew..

- Dear ones, I have a good and a bad announcement to make.
Which one do you want to hear first?
- "The good one".
- We're going for 14 Oscars!

A mysterious force drug a pirate ship closer to the Bermuda Triangle, alarming the captain.

The captain asked the lookout in the the crow's nest what he saw.
The lookout replied, "Captain, we be sailing tangent to stormy seas. It be a sine the secant be good."
The captain responded, "Aye, the sea put this here crew in a triggy situation."

A woman with a morbid fear of drowning is on a ship in the middle of an ocean. Nervously,she asks a crew member 'how far away from land are we?' He reassures her' don't worry,we're only 5 miles from land'. Relieved, she says 'oh,in which direction?'

'That would be straight down Ma'am', he replies..

A s**... goes up to his captain

He says Captain there is an enemy ship on the horizon.
The captain says Bring me my red shirt.
After the battle, the s**... is taking to the captain.
Captain, why did you tell me to bring you your red shirt?
If I was shot, the crew wouldn't notice and continue fighting.
Then someone shouted 20 enemy ships on the horizon!
The captain tells the s**..., Bring me my brown pants.

A lady with a morbid fear of drowning is on a ship in the middle of an ocean. Nervously , she asks a crew member 'just how far away from land are we?' Calmly, he reassures her ' you have nothing to worry about ,we're only 5 kilometers from land.' Relieved, she inquires 'oh, in which direction?'

That would be straight down, Miss........

The first mate on a ship rarely drinks

The first mate on a ship rarely drinks, but the crew threw him a party on his birthday and went out of their way to get him drunk. The next morning he woke up with a hangover, and went to the bridge. He opened the ship's log and found that the captain had written, "The first mate got drunk last night". He complained to the captain saying that it was very rare. The captain defended his entry saying that it was the truth, wasn't it? The next day the captain opened the ship's log, and the first mate had written, "The captain was able to stay sober last night."

An English ship is in distress at sea.

One of the English crew members is doing a radio call asking for help: We are sinking! We are sinking! Can anyone hear? We are sinking!
A German ship is nearby and receives the emergency call. One of the crew members answers: Oh how nice! What are you sinking about?

Pegleg Pete the Pirate decided to retire

He fired his crew, ran his ship aground, and built a small cabin for himself just a short walk from the beach. He enjoyed his quiet life until global warming turned his front yard into a swamp. He couldn't get down to the shore without struggling through muck and mud that was once his peaceful stroll. Finally, he realized only one solution was possible: he was going to have to plank the walk.

A ship was sinking...

The captain of the ship gathers all passengers on deck and asks the crowd: "Does anyone here know how to say prayers".
A priest steps forward: "I can" he says with some pride in his voice. "Actually, I used to say the best prayers in the monastery, and they would be answered by God too" he continues boastfully.
"Great" answers the captain, "We're one life jacket short, so you say prayers, me and the crew are gonna rescue the rest of passengers by the life jackets".

A man joins a ship's crew as a cook

A man finds himself as the cook on a ship that has just set off on a voyage. He does a quick survey of the kitchen. Everything seems good except in the pantry he finds several bags of potatoes that are all shaped like p**.... "That's weird," he thinks as he goes and finds the captain.
"Hey, captain, what's with all the potatoes looking like p**.... I don't like it," he says.
The captain replies, "Well you can't change it. This is a dictatorship."