Shift Jokes

Following is our collection of work humor and job one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Shift puns for adults, dirty corrections jokes or clean paperwork gags for kids.

There is an abundance of rotate jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 75 funniest jokes on shift. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any reassignment witze you can hear about shift.

The Best jokes about Shift

I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.

But I couldn't find a manual.

My wife recently gave birth to our first child. After birth I asked the doctor when could we have sex.

He said that his shift ends in 30 minutes.

Told an inmate to have a safe drive home.

I'm a corrections officer, getting ready to head out at shift change:

Inmate: "drive home safe"
Me: "yeah you too..."
Me: (thinking "oops, ouch")
Coworker: "Muahahaha"
Inmate: (hops into his imaginary car and shuffles to his cell making farting engine noises, screeches the brakes, steps out of his car and into his cell. Pokes his head out) "Made it home safe dad"
Me and my coworker burst out laughing

A Driver gets Pulled Over

A man driving home from the bar gets pulled over by a police officer.

Officer: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

Driver: "I'm guessing you think I was drunk driving."

Officer: "Tell you what, my shift is ending so if you can spell the alphabet backwards, I'll let you go."

Driver: (very quickly) "ZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA."

Officer: "Wow, I couldn't do that sober."

Driver: "Me neither."

A nurse walks into a bank...

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says, "well, that's great...some asshole's got my pen."


What do prison and the shift key have in common

they both turn your "o" into an "O"

The Biggest Coward

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest coward.

The first kid says," My dad is so scared that when a lightning strikes my dad slides underneath our bed."

The second kid goes," That's nothing, my dad is so scared, that when mummy works night shift, my dad sleeps with the woman next door."

They say that sex is the best form of exercise

Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every three months is going to shift this beer belly.

What's the difference between a pun and a fart?

A pun is a shift of wit.

Two Photons enter a bar.

Two Photons Finish their shift at their job, hop a cab and head to a bar.
They enter the bar and the bartender asks "Are you coming or leaving?" One of the photons replies "Isn't it obvious?"
The bartender replies "No, I'm colorblind.

I have a job helping a one armed man type capitals.

It's shift work.


I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.

It's shift work

How do you kill a tranny?

Don't shift.

Did you hear about the coroner who always was early for his shift?

He could not wait to get to work and crack open a cold one.

New job

I recently got a new job assisting a one-armed typist with capital letters. It was shift work

Shoutout to my teachers from high school who said I would work at McDonalds

I have my first shift on Monday.

An experienced customs officer is having a shift on the border

At some point he sees a man pushing a bicycle with a huge sack thrown over the seat. He stops him at the border.

"What do you have in this sack?"

"Sand."

"Well let me check."

The officer opens up the bag and indeed it's full of sand. He searches it throughly, but there's nothing else, so he lets the man go.

The next day the same man shows up, again pushing a bicycle with a huge sack thrown over the seat, and again there was nothing but sand in it.
After a few days of this playing out, the customs officer holds up the man a little longer.

"Listen pal, I've been in this job for 10 years now, I can recognize a smuggler from a mile away. I have no definite proof, but I know you have been taking something past this border and it's driving me crazy. Let's make a deal - you tell me what you are smuggling and I won't stop you any more. So what is it?"

And the man replied.

"Bicycles."

i type everything in lower case

because i don't give a shift

An idiot, a barber, and a bald man go on a journey...

At some point in the journey, they decide to set up camp for the night, so they agree to stay awake in four hour shifts to guard their stuff. The barber, having the first shift, gets bored and so ends up shaving the idiot's head. When his shift ends, he wakes up the idiot, who has the second shift. As he's coming to, the idiot rubs his head and finds he has no hair. "That barber is a right moron!" he exclaims, "He's got it all wrong and woken the bald man instead of me!"

(this joke from the Philogelos, is over a thousand years old


I've got a new job. I'm helping out a one-armed typist whenever she needs to type a capital letter.

It's shift work

How is a piano like a stick shift?

They both have three pedals, and most people only know what two of them do.

A nurse, who works in the ER, arrives for her shift

she spots a little boy, who is sitting in the hallway, crying his eyes out.
She asks him: "What happend? Can I help you?"
Boy: "My mother just died from a traffic accident."
Nurse: " Iam so sorry, shall I get you a priest?"
Boy: "No, thank you, Iam not in the mood for sex."

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding...

.....but the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behaviour, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "Last year my wife ran away with a cop. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

The mailman's last day

A mailman was putting in his last shift before he started an office job. He was a popular man in the neighborhood, known for being courteous and prompt with his deliveries. As such, he was lavished with home-baked goods, bottles of wine and gift cards as he made his final rounds.

The mailman's final stop of the day was at the house of a wealthy lawyer, who had always treated the mailman like garbage. When he rang the doorbell, however, it was the lawyer's gorgeous wife, dressed in a revealing negligee, who answered the door. Wordlessly, she led him to the upstairs bedroom where they had the most amazing sex the mailman had ever had in his life.

As he was about to leave, the lawyer's wife handed him a crumpled one dollar bill. "What was that all about?" he asked.

"Well, last night when I asked my husband what we should do for you, he said 'fuck him, give him a dollar.'"

Why didn't Hitler drive a stick shift?

Because he hated Stalin

Two airplane mechanics

Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim have nothing to do. After work Bob and Tim usually have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet fuel. Since they have nothing better to do, they try it. Finally, their shift is over and they get to go home. Next morning Bob calls Tim and says, How are you feeling? Tim says he's fine, never felt better. Bob asks, Do you have a hangover? Tim says no. Then Tim says, Wow this is great! We can drink all we want and not get a hangover. Then Bob says, Well, there is one side effect, Tim. Have you farted yet? Tim says, No, why?
Bob says, I'm calling you from Detroit!

A barber, a bald man and an absent-minded professor take a journey together...

They have to camp overnight, and so decide to take turns watching the luggage. When it's the barber's turn, he gets bored, so amuses himself by shaving the head of the professor. When the professor is woken up for his shift, he feels his head, and says "How stupid is that barber? He's woken up the bald man instead of me.


I saw this joke on the Wikipedia article for "joke." It's interesting how, even though this joke is from the third or fourth century, it's still humorous today.

A man was hired to ring a church bell...

...but he wasn't very good at it. Every time he rung the bell it came back and smacked him in the face. He kept trying to duck under the bell but it kept hitting him.

Eventually, at the end of his shift he rang the bell one last time. Again, the bell hit him in his aching face, but this time he stumbled back and fell off the church tower, landing on the ground below.

An ambulance quickly arrived on the scene, one of the medics looked at the poor man's face. "Hmm...he looks familiar." said the medic. "How can you say that? His face is unrecognisable!" said the other medic. "I'm sure I recognise him! His face definitely rings a bell!"

An Australian in Greece

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian barmaid) takes his order, Fosters, and notices his accent.

Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well. At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to make whoopee.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for some whoopee. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short on funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will make whoopee with him again for $200.

Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights.

On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention and shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her Melbourne. "So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?" "Glen Iris," he replies.

"That's amazing..." she says, "...so am I - what Street?" "Cameo Street," he replies. This is unbelievable..." she says,"...what number?"

He says, "Number 20" and she is totally astonished. "You are not going to believe this but I'm from number 22 and my parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "...your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you!"

What do you call a prostitute after a 12 hour shift?

A box of assorted creams.

Can you cover for me/

I missed my shift.

I was so tried today after working at the giant keyboard factory..

I put in a big shift

When my wife was giving birth to our child, I asked the doctor...

- When can we have sex?

He winked at me and replied

- My shift ends in 10 minutes, let's meet outside.

A woman is in a coma...

Desperate for ways to wake her up, the husband frantically asks the hospital staff what can be done. No one had an answer. Later that night as he sit by her side, a nurse from earlier in day is finishing her shift and pops in the room to give some last minute advice. "You know, it may not help, but I've heard of instances where oral sex has pulled a woman out of a coma"
Twenty minute later the woman's vital sign monitor alarm goes off. The doctors and nurses rush into the room to find the husband zipping up his pants and buckling his belt.
"I don't think it helped her, but I sure feel better"

Arthur and Friends

The members of King Arthur's Round Table were always tired because they were on the knight shift.

But they did like to party. One day after a boisterous gathering, the purest knight of all kept asking everyone who was awake, "Did you see the gal I had?

When did King Arthurs men practice? Joust at night.

Kings are old when they reach the age of sovereignty -- then they
worry about their receding heir line.

For kings, uprisings were a peasant surprise.

Puns can be made on any subject, but not kings. Kings aren't subjects.

Cop Pulls Over a Speeder at the End of his Shift

Since the cop was almost done and just wanted to go back to the station he told the driver

**Cop**: if you can give me an excuse i have never heard before to explain why you were speeding, I will let you off with a warning instead of aticket....

The man thinks for a moment then replies:

**man**: sir my wife left me last year for another man

confused the cop says

**Cop**: what does that have to do with your speed?

**Man**: well sir, my wife ran off with a police officer, when I saw your lights, I was scared you were bringing her back.

With a smile the cop says

**Cop**: have a nice day sir.

I'VE GOT (( PROBLEMS

AND A STUCK SHIFT KEY IS ONE.

Kids today will never know how awesome Pogs were. Or how to drive a stick shift. Or how to speak.

Most things escape baby goats.

What do you call a linguist's diarrhea?

The great bowel shift.

I just got a job typing capital letters for a one-armed secretary

She's really nice, but I can't stand the shift work.

I've just gotten a part-time job helping a one-armed man type capital letters...

It's shift work.

During quarantine, Google saw a shift in the top 5 Google searches.

The no. 1 position went from how to get laid to how to get laid off.

HEY, HOW ARE YOU?

- Dude, press the Caps Lock key on your keyboard!
- WOW, THIS IS MUCH BETTER, I DON'T HAVE TO HOLD DOWN SHIFT ANYMORE

Why Russians never drive stick shift?

They really hate Stalin

Trooper tries to pull over a man who speeds away.....

After getting the man to pull over, he tells him that since it's the end of his shift that he'll let him go if he has a good explanation for why he kept speeding up instead of pulling over.

The driver says: "Don't you recognize me? My wife ran away with you 2 years ago and I thought you were trying to give her back"

A young nurse is hired at a Glasgow hospital.

Towards the end of the shift, he is assigned to a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease. He goes to greet the first patient. "Hello, sir, how are you today? Is there anything I can do for you?" The patient replies,

"Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."

The nurse is confused but smiles, checks the man's bedpans and greets the next patient. "Hello ma'am, how are you doing today?" The patient beams and replies:

"Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."

The nurse is further confused. He fluffs her pillows and moves on to the third patient, who is grimacing with pain. "What seems to be the matter, sir?" The third starts rattling off as follows:

"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!"

The nurse is totally baffled. When he is done with his patients he steps outside and sees a doctor outside the entrance. "Doctor, what sort of ward is this? A mental ward? "No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."

A man was pulled over for speeding...

A man was pulled over for speeding. The officer walks up to the car and says to the driver, "Look, I've had a long day and my shift is almost over. If you can give me a good reason why you're speeding, I'll let it slide"

The man replies, "well, officer, my wife left me a few weeks ago for a cop. I thought you were trying to bring her back."

Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed razor
blade?

She gave herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, and circumcised three of the doctors on her shift.

The sons of Superman, Flash and John are chatting...

Superman's sons says, "my dad travels the fastest, he doesnt care about traffic and returns home from work in a matter of minutes."

Flash's son says, "Nah, dude, my dad travels at the speed of light, the moment he finishes work, he's home."

John's sons says, "Please, my dad's shift ends at 5, he's home watching TV at 4:30 already"

What do you call a blonde in a BMW?

Optional. (My manager from Croatia told me this during a shift)

Joseph never learned how to drive a stick shift.

He kept Stalin.

A busdriver and a pastor have a conversation...

The pastor complains: "Every time i start preaching, people stop praying and fall asleep."


The busdriver replies: "For me it's the other way around. When i shift into 5th gear and hit the pedal, they wake up and start praying."

Have you heard of those psychos wanting to shift all cheese production to butter production?

Some men just want to watch the world churn.

Tired Nurse Joke

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 12-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and
Tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and
Without missing a beat, she says . . .

''Well, that's great . . . Just great . . . Some asshole's got my pen

The fourth Harry Potter book marked a huge tone shift for the rest of the series.

I mean, the fifth book was dead serious.

What did the textile workers do after their shift?

Nothing, they just loomed around.

Toll Joke my buddy made up.

A young new toll operator is having his first day on the job with a skilled veteran of the booth. As they work in their conjoined shift, the veteran points out a gold Mercedes pulling up in the toll line. The Veteran nudges the kid and says " Dat guy dere ain't gone pay his full toll. " the young new worker looks at his predecessor like he's crazy. As the car pulls up, the driver is furiously digging for change. "I am so sorry! All I have is 73 cents!" The driver exclaimed. The Veteran nods him through anyway and then turns to the incredulous newbie and says "Toll jew"

Male nurse

Towards the end of the shift, he is assigned to a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease.

He goes to greet the first patient. "Hello, sir, how are you today? Is there anything I can do for you?"

The patient replies, "Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."

The nurse is confused but smiles, checks the man's bedpans and greets the next patient. "Hello ma'am, how are you doing today?"

The patient beams and replies: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."

The nurse is further confused. He fluffs her pillows and moves on to the third patient, who is grimacing with pain.

"What seems to be the matter, sir?" The third starts rattling off as follows: "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!"

The nurse is totally baffled. When he is done with his patients he steps outside and sees the doctor that assigned him to the ward, outside the entrance. "Doctor, what sort of ward is that? A mental ward?

"No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."

Why did the janitor with a speech impediment miss his shift?

He overswept

Had a stupidly long receptionist shift today.

I worked from desk till dawn.

Why can't the keyboard sleep?

Cause it's working double shift

he's not all bad: after an 12 hour shift at a local food kitchen, mayor Rob Ford selflessly turned down a hot meal.

"I've got more than enough to eat at home"

I used to have a part time job helping a one-armed typist write capital letters

It was shift work.

A rookie cop is sent to monitor a speed trap for hours...

Finally near the end of his shift a car blows by at 80 mph. He pulls over a teenager and tells him, "I waited all day for you to get here."

The teenager replies: "I got here as fast as I could."

What are OJ Simpson's favorite keys on a computer?

Return

Home

Slash

Slash

Backslash

Shift

Shift

Shift

Escape

What does a waffle call his complete existential paradigm shift?

His eggo death

Working the overnight shift is so tedious and boring

Every time I go in it's the same shift, different day.

I got a new job helping a one armed typist write in capitals

It's only shift work, though.

Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? (read - not spam)

Are you interested in making $$$$ fast?

Here's an incredibly simple way to do it,
and there is nothing to buy,
no investment to make,
no money to lose!

Try it now!

Follow this simple procedure:

1) Hold down the shift key.

2) Hit the 4 key four times fast.

Some Roman soldiers are sitting in a bar, exchanging stories

One of the soldiers tell the others:
"I had the easiest shift the other night, just had to make sure this dead guy didn't crawl out of his tomb- slept through the whole thing."
As the soldier finishes, Jesus walks into the bar.
"April fool's"

How do you get rid of capitalism?

Just get rid of the shift and caps lock keys.

Do you want to make $$$$ fast?

Step 1: Open notepad
Step 2: Press and hold shift +4 until you have the desired amount.

The Lonely Rig Worker

An oil rig mechanic returns to his cabin after his shift and discovers his cabinmate sitting on the edge of his bunk, his feet in a basin, hastily scraping a razor over his soaped-up legs.

"Um, hey, what are you up to?" asks the mechanic.

"I was talking to old Joe in the canteen today," says his cabinmate, "and I mentioned I was feeling homesick. He told me that when he feels homesick, he shaves one of his legs before bed, and with a little imagination it feels like he's at home laying with his wife again. I thought it was a fantastic idea and ran straight back here."

"I've heard of guys doing that," says the mechanic, "but why are you shaving both legs?"

"Well, I'll be going home in a few days," he replies, "so tonight I'm having a threesome!"

There are 3 keys that unite all males on the planet

Cntrl, shift, and N

Two onions, male and female, knock into each other on the street...

...An affair begins. Onion romance has occurred.

They tie the knot; several months later they have a baby onion.

Father onion takes another shift to make ends meet.

Mother onion is encumbered with house work one day, much distracted.

Baby onion wanders out the open door unsupervised. It crosses the sidewalk and is hit by a car.

At the hospital mother and father onion pace up and down the hospital corridor, crying.

A team of surgeons try all night to save baby onion's life.

Towards dawn the doors to the hospital room open. A doctor walks out, sweating.

Father onion asks "well, what, how is baby onion?"

The surgeon says "well he'll live, but I'm afraid he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes