Shelf Jokes
147 shelf jokes and hilarious shelf puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about shelf that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh out loud with this collection of top shelf jokes! From loaves to cabinets and cupboards, you'll find something to make you crack up. So grab a snack and get ready to enjoy the funniest shelf jokes.
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Funniest Shelf Short Jokes
Short shelf jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The shelf humour may include short warehouse jokes also.
- I bet my butcher $1,000 that he couldn't reach the beef on the top shelf without a ladder. He said the steaks were too high.
- I bet my butcher $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said "No, the steaks are too high".
- I asked a librarian if there are any books on discrimination against people in wheelchairs. She replied "Yes, it's up the stairs, on the top shelf to the left."
- Midget Discrimination A midget asks the librarian, Do you have any books on midget discrimination? The librarian replies, Top shelf .
- Why should you never store meat on the top shelf of the freezer? The steaks would be too high.
- I recently got crushed by a pile of books, I recently got crushed by a pile of books, but I suppose I have only my shelf to blame.
- -Hi, do you have books on midget discrimination? -Yeah, look on that top shelf in the corner
- Let's hear some Confucius Jokes I'll start
Confucius says woman that keeps soap on top shelf will jump for joy. - Where does Sean Connery keep his guns? In the library of course. They're for shelf-defense.
- A midget walks into a bookstore... ...& asks clerk: 'do you happen to have any books on irony.'
The clerk points to a shelf: 'top row.'
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Shelf One Liners
Which shelf one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with shelf? I can suggest the ones about desk and shed.
- A man died today when a pile of books fell on him.!!! He only had his shelf to blame.,,,,
- What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head? "I have only my shelf to blame"
- My wife asked why I keep my guns in the library. I said it's for shelf-defense.
- A book falls on Sean Connery's head "Well, I've only got my shelf to blame"
- My friend got crushed by a pile of books. He's only got his shelf to blame.
- Books all over the floor..... but I have only my shelf to blame.
- Man crushed by pile of old books His wife said he only had his shelf to blame
- I just bought 27 books I don't have any shelf control.
- A book just fell on my head! I guess I only got my shelf to blaim!
- If Sean Connery starred in Interstellar... He'd tell Murph to stop talking to her shelf.
- Hey man, why do you have all these self help books on your floor? I hate my shelf.
- A book fell on my head today I blame *my shelf*
- I was reminiscing at my old school's library... looking back at my shelf.
- What do you call a workplace accident at the North Pole? Shelf on the elf.
- Why are librarians so shy? Their occupation makes them very shelf conscious.
Top Shelf Jokes
Here is a list of funny top shelf jokes and even better top shelf puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- midget in the library midget walks into a library and ask do you have any books on irony? the librarian replies sure they are on the top shelf
- Dwarf enters the library "One book on discrimination of dwarves, please." - says the dwarf
"Third row..." - replies the librarian - "top shelf." - I told the butcher I'd give him $10 if he got the meat down off the top shelf. He said he couldn't.... the steaks were too high.
- My grandfather was killed when a book case fell on top of him. The doctor said he died of shelf-inflicted wounds.
- I bet a butcher $20 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf He said the steaks were too high.
- Sean Connery was arranging his bookcase when one of the books fell from the top and landed on his head. Unfortunately Sean Connery only had his shelf to blame.
- A man goes into a butcher's shop and says "I bet you 50 bucks you can't hand me the ribeye from the top shelf."
The butcher says: "I can't take that bet, the steaks are too high." - I bet the butcher £100 he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf He said No chance the stakes are way too high
- Why didn't the butcher attempt to get the meat from the top shelf off of his rickety ladder? The steaks were too high.
- My butcher's assistant is a little person. I tried to bet him he couldn't sell me one of his top-shelf filets. "No bet," he said. "The steaks are too high."
Elf On The Shelf Jokes
Here is a list of funny elf on the shelf jokes and even better elf on the shelf puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- You've heard of Elf on a Shelf, but have you heard... Jeffrey Epstein definitely didn't kill himself.
- Whats the Jewish version of Elf on a Shelf Mensch on a bench
- My great uncle Chuck started the elf on a shelf tradition. Well, actually, he was a drunk on a bunk, but we toned it down for the kids.
- You have heard of elf on a shelf ? now we have..... Pell in a cell
- [Possibly OC] Objectifying women has been going on since mythical times. For example, in Greek mythology, a female elf was called a Shelf.
- Elf on the shelf? In my neighborhood we get roach on the coach.
- If you've heard of elf on a shelf I'm not suprised
- Clown on the shelf Works waaaay better than a s**... elf.
Howlingly Hilarious Shelf Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
What funny jokes about shelf you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bucket jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make shelf pranks.
Why was the dictionary on the top shelf more expensive than the one on the bottom...
Because it was a higher definition
Beer is good.
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
The stakes
A man walks into a meat shop and asks if he can have a nice cut of prime steak. The butcher goes to the back of the shop but comes back empty handed. The man asks why he didn't bring back any meat, and the butcher replies "the meat was on the top shelf and I couldn't reach it... The stakes were just too high.
Library s**...
A man goes to the library and asks if they have a book on how to commit s**....
The librarian says "Yeh, I think we do, it should be at the back row on the top shelf".
The man goes and looks, even climbs a ladder to look at the top but still can't find it.
"Still no luck" says the man.
The librarian replies "Oh, the last person who borrowed it mustn't have brought it back"
Methylated Spirit
A scruffy homeless man walks into a DIY store.
"Bottle of methylated spirit please."
"Look mate, no offense but I wasn't born yesterday. I can't sell that to you when I know you're just gonna drink it."
"Hey, what are you implying? This is ridiculous, I'm using it for woodwork!"
"All right, all right..." says the shopkeeper, taking a bottle of the shelf.
"Oh, haven't you got a cold one?"
Why do Little People hate the taste of alcohol?
Because they can't reach the top shelf.
Teddy Bears
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The woman says, "You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf."
Guy walks into a butcher shop
A guy walks into a butcher shop and sees a butcher standing in front of a shelf with various meats.
The guy says "I betcha 20 bucks you can't reach the meat on the top shelf."
The butcher looks at the shelf and replies, "Nah, those steaks are too high."
I have a librarian friend and a grocer friend who rarely want to hang out with me
because they're just too shelf conscious.
A police officer knocks on a man's door.
The officer asks, "Is this the Sorkin residence?" The man nods.
"May I see a picture of your wife?" The man hands the officer a picture off a shelf.
The officer sighs, "It looks like she was hit by a train."
" I know, but she's such a nice lady and an excellent cook!"
As a tall person...
Study finds that shorter men will live longer but taller men have a higher shelf life.
A midget walks into a library.
A midget walks into a library and gets the woman working at the desk's attention.
"Excuse me," he says. "I was just wondering if you had any books on irony?"
"We do," the librarian responded. "It's on the top shelf."
Why does Sean Connery s**... at DIY?
A lack of shelf awareness.
What does IKEA furniture do when it's stolen?
Activates its shelf destruct sequence.
I'll see myself out...
What's pretty and expensive but has no use?
Leonardo DiCaprio's Oscar shelf.
Clean Shave
An old drover walks into a barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, NT, Aussie, for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in yonks, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."
We hired a teenage girl at my hardware store
I was showing her around the aisles when I picked up something off the shelf and pointed it at my self and made a beeping sound.
I said, "This is a stud-finder" and laughed.
She pulled up her sleeve, showed me her FitBit and made a beeping sound. She said, "This is a p**...-meter."
I was at the butchers the other day
And i thought while i'm there i'd have a gamble with the butcher. I bet him £10 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf, he said "nah mate, i'm not taking that bet, the steaks are too high."
What ghost did Ebenezer Scrooge encounter when he refurnished his home?
The shadow of his former shelf.
A guy walks in a library:
- Do you have motivational books here?
- Yes darling, right there, 3rd row, the second shelf.
- Do you have any books closer?"
My carpenter is a narcissist.
He can be really shelf centered.
I recently thought about stealing from the food shelf...
But the steaks were too high.
I went to the library today and said, "I'd like to check these books out."
The librarian said, "Sorry, that's actually against the rules."
"Huh?!"
The librarian replied, "You see, checking them out only makes them shelf conscious."
I've decided to keep my blender on the top shelf.
It's a high whisk strategy.
Why don't people sympathize when your books fall to the floor?
Because you have only your shelf to blame.
I'm pretty sure someone stole the last paragraph of my essay, and hid it on a really high shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
Not original, and not sure if it's been posted before, but it made me chuckle and thought I'd share.
Lately I've noticed a strange fascination shared by everybody that comes over to my house. They can't seem to get enough of this one Stephen King book I have on my shelf.
I guess it's true what they say; company loves Misery.
I was studying at my desk and fell asleep.
A big book from the shelf above fell on me. I blame myshelf for this.
What did the biscuit say when he fell off the shelf?
Oh Crumbs
The Old Cowboy's Shave
An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.
The barber replied, Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does .
A White Horse Walks Into A Bar (long)
The bartender asks "What'll it be?" - The horse says "I feel like a whiskey but I can't make up my mind as to which one." - The bartender scans the shelf full of whiskey bottles and sees a bottle of White Horse Whiskey. He says "I know! I've got a whiskey named after you!" - The horse looks surprised and asks "You have a whiskey called Eric?"
I bought a shelf at Ikea.
Took me all day to put the Fjälkinge thing together.
She told me I couldn't play any more Bob Seger.
I said "Just take those old records off the shelf. I'll sit and listen to them by myself."
I told Sean Connery about how I was crushed by a pile of books.
He said 'you've only got your shelf to blame'.
There was once a robot whose job it was to organize all the shelves of a massive library that had thousands of books. Every day he did his job without missing a beat. One day though, he didn't show up to work. The librarians were all perplexed that a robot would do something like that...
Turns out he had become shelf aware.
I'm pretty sure someone hid the last paragraph of my essay on a shelf that I can't reach,
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
2 Math books are on a shelf
2 math books are on a shelf.
The first book sighs and says to the other book; "I really don't like my life"
"What do you mean?" says the other book,
"I have so many problems", it replies.
I have a condition; Whenever I look at books of any kind...
I want to touch my shelf...
A guy walks into a bar
And points to the top shelf and says to the bartender Give me ten shots of your most expensive whiskey .
Bartender pours the shots and watches as the guy proceeds to slam them all.
Bartender looks at the man and says That's an awful lot of liquor to put down in such short order.
Well my friend, you would do the same if you had what I have.
What do you have?
About $5
I saw a man at the grocery store flinging slices of American cheese into the air.
He then started chugging cartons of milk right off the shelf.
After that he started smashing containers of yogurt open on his forehead.
It was shocking. All I could think was how dare he!
My roommate just got crusher by a lot of books
I guess he's only got his shelf to blame
A book fell on me yesterday...
A book fell on me yesterday, I have no one to blame but my shelf.
The butcher didn't want to fire the midgets on his staff, but they couldn't get the meat off the top shelf
The steaks were just too high
A midget walks into the library and asks, "Have you got a book on Irony?"
The librarian says, "Yeah, mate, it's on the top shelf."
My head hurts…
Doctor: why does your head hurts?
Patient: a bunch of books fell on my head yesterday…
Doctor: how did that happen?
Patient: I only have my shelf to blame…
I saw Sean Connery build a bookshelf once. He built it wrong and it was kinda crooked. I called him out on it and he told me...
"I'm ashamed of my shelf.
Where does the ocean store its stuff?
On the Continental shelf.
A bunch of books fell on my head last night
I was pretty mad but I guess I've only got my shelf to blame.
I have just been crushed by a huge pile of books
I've only my shelf to blame.
Breaking news: Sean Connery had a bunch of books fall on him.
When asked what happened, he said, "I'm ok, I only have my shelf to blame."
Sean Connery finds a cupboard in his house he hasn't used before
A rare moment of shelf discovery.
A book fell on my head the other day.
I only have my shelf to blame though.
I moved my girlfriend's vase to the top shelf
Then there was an earthquake and the vase fell off and broke.
My girlfriend was angry with me, but it wasn't my fault.
I visited the doctor today and he said my sugar was too high
So I came home and moved it to a lower shelf
