Shelter Jokes
123 shelter jokes and hilarious shelter puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about shelter that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
A collection of jokes that explore the themes of homelessness, animal shelters, warmth, refuge and flooding. Enjoy these humorous musings on the realities of seeking shelter from the storm.
Quick Jump To
- Short Shelter Jokes
- Shelter One Liners
- Animal Shelter Jokes
- Homeless Shelter Jokes
- More Shelter Jokes
Funniest Shelter Short Jokes
Short shelter jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The shelter humour may include short refuge jokes also.
- I phoned the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said ", are they moving?"
I replied "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase." - Go to the dog shelter for a dog and you are a Saint.... Go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind!!
- There was once a starving homeless man near Pyongyang... This joke has been removed.
Food and shelter are plentiful in North Korea.
To desire more is greed. - Tornado warnings are active for Cleveland, Ohio. Residents are invited to seek shelter in Cleveland Browns Stadium where there is no chance of a touchdown.
- Go to a dog shelter to find a dog, you're a hero. Go to a women's shelter to find a wife, you're a monster.
- Why couldn't moses adopt a kitten from the animal shelter? Because the shelter was non prophet.
- I got fired from my job for chasing away a stray cat. Whatever, I never really liked working at the animal shelter anyway.
- I wrote a very generous check as a donation to a local animal shelter.. I heard dogs love things that bounce.
- why didn't the clothing drive at the homeless shelter not work out? ..nobody gave a shirt.
- Why do the buildings that shelter horses never run into any problems ? Because they're stable
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Shelter One Liners
Which shelter one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with shelter? I can suggest the ones about foster and protection.
- KFC is a shelter for battered chickens
- Have you ever heard of Tempura House? It's a shelter for lightly battered women.
- The greatest harbor on Earth can shelter not a single ship... It is truly without pier.
- Where do cannibals go to eat deep fried food? The battered women's shelter
- My autistic 7 year-old battling cancer told me this joke while adopting a shelter puppy
- had to quit my job at the cat shelter today They reduced meowers
- If in an earthquake, take shelter with a horse... Their houses are always stable
- What do you call a battered men's shelter? Jail.
- I wonder how long our ancestors managed to live with no shelter... before they caved
- I just got back from the battered women's shelter... Boy are my arms tired!
- An umbrella is: A shelter for one and a shower for two.
- What happens when lightning strikes an animal shelter? Shock and Awwwww
- What do the beach boys and animal shelters have in common? Pet sounds
- Babe, your cuter than a puppy at an animal shelter, Cuz i want to take you home!
- What do public toilets and homeless shelters have in common? They're both full of bums
Animal Shelter Jokes
Here is a list of funny animal shelter jokes and even better animal shelter puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Go to the animal shelter for a dog and you're a saint Go to the woman's shelter for a new girlfriend d and everyone looses their minds
- Where does the phrase, "It's raining cats and dogs" come from? A tornado and an animal shelter
- I just realized I've been missing all the front page posts about animal shelters. It must be this paw pup blocker I've installed
- What did Juaquin Malphurs do when he volunteered at a local animal shelter? Waka Flocka Dogs
- Pick out a dog at an animal shelter and everything's ok. Pick out a girlfriend at a woman's shelter and everyone loses their mind.
- What does an animal shelter and the Soviet Space Program have in common? Red rockets.
- There was this story on overcrowded animal shelters… I just couldn't put it down.
- this asian is Hannibal Lecter At the animal shelter
- How much does an animal shelter weigh? A pound
- My friend used to work for an animal shelter, but he got fired. He really s**... the pooch.
Homeless Shelter Jokes
Here is a list of funny homeless shelter jokes and even better homeless shelter puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Thousands of homeless water faucets die on the streets without food or shelter each year. Let that sink in.
- The poster for a Homeless shelter's charity orchestra night reads... Come on down to the shelter and blow some Oboes!
- A joke my younger brother once made up when he was 5 years old: Where do homeless egg shells go? ...the shelter.
- Where do homeless accountants live? In a tax shelter.
Blame GROCO PCA - A Blind Man walks into a BART Train lol, no he's just at a Homeless shelter.
- BREAKING NEWS: Man covered in mirrors sets fire to homeless shelter! At last he has formally apologized to the shelter after having time to reflect.
- There was a birthday party at the homeless shelter It also had a poor punch line.
- The store supershoes is like the menu at a homeless shelter. Would you like the soup, or the shoes?
- The homeless shelter only had spoons over the weekend... No forks were given
- A group of homeless people ran to the shelter and the employees were overwhelmed. One might say they were...b**... rushed.
Comedy Shelter Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
What funny jokes about shelter you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean dog house jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make shelter pranks.
In a tundra, a man was trying to shelter himself from the weather
It was hurting like hail.
Have you heard about the Tempura Shelter they are opening downtown?
It's a center for lightly battered women.
Can someone please explain this joke to me? I really don't get it.
So I was watching this stand-up comic named Anthony Jeselnik and while the rest of his show is hilarious, there was one joke I just don't get at all.
"I once mowed the lawn at a battered woman's shelter... if you know what I mean".
Yea; I'm seriously stumped.
Collection of my favorite Latvian Jokes.
* Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have gone Siberia! More bread for me, man think. But bread have worm.
* Man car break down near house of farmer. Take shelter in barn. Find farmer daughter in barn. Oh! Hot stuff! But TOO LATE! Is already r**... by soldier.
* Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, Why so long face? Latvian say, I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby.
* Three Latvian are brag about sons. My son is soldier. He have r**... as many women as want, say first Latvian. Zo? second say, My son is farmer. He have all potato he want! Third Latvian wait long time, then say, My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over. Wow! You are win us, say others. But all are feel sad.
* Q : What are one potato say other potato? A : Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?
* Q : How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb? A : 25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food.
* Q: What is happening if you cross Latvian and potato? A: This is cruel joke. please, no more.
This used to be my Dad's favorite joke. "The End of the World"
The world is ending by nuclear warfare and there are three men riding on a plane to a fallout shelter where they would be safe and ride out the devastation. The three men are: the president, the pope, and a young hippie.
Suddenly, as they are nearing their destination, the plane malfunctions and is going down quickly. The three passengers look at each other, then realize: there are only two parachutes.
The President hastily grabs a bag and before jumping out of the hatch says," I am God's gift to you all! I rule the United States! I am the leader this world will need! I am the SMARTEST man on this planet!"
Realizing they don't have much time the pope quickly says to the hippie, "My son, you have many more years to live than I, it would only be right for you to seize this opportunity and fulfill-"
The hippie begins laughing, startling the pope into silence, and says, "Don't worry Father, the smartest man on the planet just jumped out of the plane with my backpack on!"
the difference between cats and dogs
dog: this man feeds me, gives me shelter, loves me and asks nothing in return. my owner must be god.
cat: this man feeds me, gives me shelter, loves me and asks nothing in return. I must be god.
The three most important things to have in a survival situation.
Every survival kit needs to have three things.
1) A zippo: Trusty lighter to start fires to cook food and keep warm.
2) A good knife: Something to be able to help build a shelter and hunt.
3) A standard deck of playing cards: As soon as you realize you're stranded, deal out a game of solitaire on the ground. About half way through your game, someone will come up behind you and say "That can go there." Boom, you're saved.
If you're a vegan who ran a marathon & you got your dogs from the shelter....
How do you decide which thing to wedge into the conversation first?
They opened a Tempura Shelter in my town
It's for lightly battered women
Just trying to help.
I was walking home from work the other day and found an injured bird by the side of the road, I decided to pick it up and take it to the shelter, on the way to the shelter, the police stopped me and arrested me.
They said that what I was carrying was Ill Eagle.
What pets think about their owners?
A dog: He feeds me, takes care about me, gives me shelter... He is God.
A cat: He feeds me, takes care about me, gives me shelter... I am God.
The Garden of Eden
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're n**..., and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."
Whats the first thing a woman does when she gets to the battered shelter?
The dishes if she knows whats good for her.
A woman adopted a foul-mouthed bird because he was so beautiful and she thought he could be retrained.
The shelter told her the bird lived in a w**... for the last decade. When her husband's car pulled in the drive, she dreaded what the bird would say to him. The bird looked at the husband and said, "Hi Phil, welcome back."
My Kids Got p**... at Me for Cooking pancake this Morning
Seems he was their favorite rabbit
What does a j**... use for protection during s**...?
a bus shelter
An American, a Briton, and a North Korean look at a picture of Adam and Eve
An American, a Briton, and a North Korean look at a picture of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden and try to figure out what nationality they are.
The American says, "Look at how free and independent they are, they must be Americans."
The Briton says, "What are you talking about, look at how calm and reserved they are, the are obviously British."
The North Korean says, "You two are both missing the point. They have no clothes, no shelter, they only have and apple to eat between them and yet they are being told that they live in paradise. They're clearly North Korean."
Where's the safest place for shelter during a tornado in Detroit?
The Pontiac Silverdome, there hasn't been a touchdown there in years.
In a shelter for abused women.
My husband used to beat me on regular basis. Sometimes, he would get his drinking mates and they would stand one after another to beat me. But one day I said to myself: get a grip woman, enough is enough. So when my husband and his mates collapsed drunk, I run away to this shelter. After 6 months I feel much better. The thing I like the most about this place is that there is no punchline.
I've lived a sheltered life.
In the sense that I had little connection with reality and live in a shelter.
A British girl meets a guy...
And they hit it off immediately. The girl goes to her dad the next day to tell him about it.
"Oh, dad, he's just the sweetest! He loves dancing and photography, he's great with kids, and he volunteers at an animal shelter. He's funny, handsome, a great listener, oh! and he's a goalie for a local football team. Oh dad, what do you think?"
Her dad looked at her with an odd expression and said "Oh honey...
... *he's a keeper*"
What's the difference between cats and dogs?
A dog thinks:
These people, they love me, provide me with shelter and feed me. They must be gods.
A cat thinks:
These people, they love me, provide me with shelter and feed me. I must be a god.
What's the first thing a woman should do after returning home from the battered women's shelter?
The dishes if she knows what's good for her.
My best joke.
During the second world war there was a camp leader who out of the kindness of his heart rescued 160 Jewish people and provided them with warmth, shelter, bottles of water and loaves and loaves of bread. You think this was a kind gesture? You should of seen h**...; he made 6 million Jews toast!
Joel Osteen is actually interested in using his arena-sized megachurch as a shelter...
...Oh wait. You're not a tax? Never mind.
I don't know about you, but I'd love to volunteer at a battered women's shelter
I betcha the cakes they make are amazing
What do Manchester girls use for protection during s**...?
A bus shelter.
A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...
"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"
"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"
The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
Have you guys heard of that women's shelter called Tempura?
It's for women who are lightly battered
You've gotta be prepared these days, so I've bought myself an air raid shelter for the back yard.
I've requested it comes with sound proofing, doors that lock from the inside and enough supplies to last for a week.
It should be ready in time for my wife's next period.
A Russian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are in an art museum admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the gardens of Eden.
The Englishman takes a look at the painting and says "They look so calm, they must be British!" The Frenchmen responds "no no! They're n**..., so beautiful, they must be French!" The Russian says "They have no food, no shelter, nothing but an apple to eat, and they are being told this is paradise? ...They're clearly Russian!"
(Whole thing done in thick fake accents)
I recently volunteered at the Tempura shelter
It's the home for lightly battered women.
There was a fire at the local feline shelter in my town today.
It was a catastrophe.
I adopted a pet rock from the rescue shelter...
They told me he's had a hard life.
In a recent poll, 80% of people in America said they would not open their homes to a sentient water basin that walked up to their door and asked for shelter...
Let that sink in...
So I took my family to get Chinese last night
But apparently the dog shelter doesn't do takeaway
Did you hear about the Tempura House that's opening?
It's a shelter for lightly battered women.
I went to the cardiologist yesterday
He asked me how I usually spend my days. I told him that I mostly look at pictures of puppies and kitties and think about volunteering at the local animal shelter. He said that I have a big heart. That made me feel really good about myself. Then he said, "Seriously, your heart is retaining water. You need to cut way back on your sodium intake and quit drinking".
trees rock
A squirrel had carved a shelter into a tree. The tree was arrested and faced charges in court of arboring a fugitive.
During shelter in place, I realize that I miss people, place, and things.
So nouns. I essentially miss nouns.
I saw a sign that said "Tempura House Shelter" so I was intrigued and went inside. I asked why it was named so.
They said it was for lightly battered women.
Why is a dad bod important to your health?
Because it is always important to build a shelter over your precision tool
Did you hear about the new women's shelter?
It's called the "Tempura House"
It's for lightly battered women.
A classic Russian joke...
An American, a Frenchman and a Russian are stranded on an uninhabited island. They build a shelter, catch fish for food and suddenly catch a magical Golden Fish, who promises to fulfill two wishes for each in trade for her own freedom:
The American says: "A million dollars and to go back home!" He vanishes.
The Frenchman says: "Three beautiful women and to go back home!" He vanishes as well.
The Russian look around at the deserted island, and says: "Tsk, and we were getting along so well. Three crates of v**... and the two fellas back!"
A Brit, a French person and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
The Brit says, Look, they are so calm and reserved, they must be British.
The French person says, No, look at how beautiful they are, they must be French.
The Russian says, Are you kidding me? They have no clothes and no shelter with only an apple to eat and they're being told they live in paradise. Clearly they're Russian.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are in an art gallery
They are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden.
"Look at how reserved and calm they are," the Englishman says, "they would definitely be English."
"They are n**... and beautiful, they would have to be French." The Frenchmen counters.
The Russian speaks up, "no clothes, no shelter, no bed, they have only an apple between them, and they're told this is paradise. They are certainly Russian."
Three ants take shelter from the rain in somebodies bathroom.
The first ant says, I'm going to sleep in the sink
The second ant says, I'll sleep in the tub
The third ant says, I'll get the best sleep of all and sleep in the toilet!
The next morning, the three ants wake up.
The first ant says, I slept great last night!
The second ant says, I also had a great sleep!
The third ant says, I hardly slept at all! It rained, thundered, and a log fell on my head!
Mommy and Daddy rabbit were enjoying a splendid afternoon in the woods.
Suddenly, the sound of hunting dogs shattered their idyllic time together. They ran for their lives. The dogs were relentless. Finally the two terrified bunnies took shelter in a hollow log. The dogs had them trapped. The situation seemed hopeless.
Daddy looked at Mommy and said "Well, we'll just have to outnumber them."
A Russian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are in an art museum admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the gardens of Eden.
The Englishman takes a look at the painting and says "They look so calm, they must be British!" The Frenchmen responds "no no! They're n**..., so beautiful, they must be French!" The Russian says "They have no food, no shelter, nothing but an apple to eat, and they are being told this is paradise? They're clearly Russian!"
