Sheets Jokes

What are some Sheets jokes?

A black guy and a white girl hookup at a club...

And after a while of dancing and drinks both were getting eager to get under the sheets. They drive back to the girls place and just as the guy was taking out his package, the girl asked "is it true about what they say about black guys?" And he whispered in her ear "you bet it is", he then continued to stab her 5 times and steal her purse.

A lawyer dies and goes to heaven . . .

"There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only 49."

"49?" says St. Peter. "No, according to our calculations, you're 83."

"How did you figure that?" the lawyer asks.

"We added up your time sheets," answered St. Peter.

I'm going to open up a store that only sells two bed covers and two snorkels.

Just four sheets and goggles.

Yesterday I lost 100 sheets of sandpaper...

But I have a rough idea where they are

Hey girl are you proficient in Excel?

Cause I need your help spreadin' some sheets.

Pinocchio has been getting complaints from his girlfriend....

Pinnochio had been getting complaints from his girlfriend. "Every time we make love," she said, "I get splinters. "
Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the carpenter, for advice.
"Sandpaper," said the carpenter. "That's what you need. " So
Pinocchio took some sheets of sandpaper and went home. A few weeks later the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again. "How are you getting on with the girls now? " he asked. "Who needs girls? " said

Midnight Surprise!

A colleague approached this man at lunch and invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, and that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.

The colleague suggested a way to overcome that problem, "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realised he had to take a leak, so he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.

When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.

"How did you get in here?" he asked. "Shhhhhh!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

Laziness is the engine of progress.

The accountant printed out 50 absolutely clean sheets on the printer. To the question Why? , she replied that she needed 50 blank sheets, and she did not want to count them manually.

The Chinese 69 (Slightly NSFW)

A chinese couple get married. But theres one problem...shes a virgin and the man isn't very experienced either. The bed sheets are ready and the magic is about to happen.

The husband says, "What You Want? Tell me and I GIVE YOU!"
The wife says, "I want what they call..... 6^9..."
The husband says..."You want Beef with Broccoli?"

Why doesn't Trump stay in the Whitehouse on weekends?

All the ghosts in their white sheets keep reminding him of his father.

So I went on a date with this girl last night

Things were going well, so we ended up back at her place. Then things started going REALLY well, and we ended up in her bedroom. I looked around and saw that she had a king sized bed with Communist Party sheets.

Now that's a big red flag.

The Last Exam

(Sorry for terrible formatting and grammar)

A Philosophy teacher was handing out empty papers for the last exam of the year. The students had one simple task to complete,
They had to convince their teacher that the chair he had placed on the middle of the classroom didn't exist.

After 40 minutes, students returned their answer sheets. All of them had complex sentences and long paragraphs except one.
It had a single sentence.

What chair?

He was the only one to pass the exam.

Global warming is funny.

Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

My wife complains I use too much toilet paper and I should only use three sheets.

Now she complains that the bed linen stinks.

I bet dating Zelda would be fun.

A princess in the streets, but Sheik in the sheets.

A man comes home and goes to bed with his wife...

Suddenly, he gets mad and says "floral bed sheets? Don't you know that I hate floral bed sheets?" and goes under the bed in a huff. He meets another naked man under the bed and tells him "apparently, you don't like floral bed sheets either."

Me: "Alexa, add tinfoil for hats to my shopping cart."

Alexa: "I ordered yesterday after I noticed you had 3 sheets left in your upper right cupboard. You're all good."

I think my boyfriend is a member of the KKK

Because he is a wizard under the sheets.

A carpenter, a tailor, a sailor, a priest and an economist were stranded on a desert island.

"I could chop down the trees and make a raft." Says the carpenter.
"I can stitch a few sheets into a mast."
Says the tailor.
"I can navigate the oceans with the help of the stars."
Says the sailor.
"I will pray for favourable winds and good luck."
Says the the priest.
All they needed now was to chop down a tree to make the raft.
"That's easy," says the economist. "Let's assume an axe."

A Chinese couple get married

The young bride is a virgin and on the wedding night cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring. " My darling, I know this is your first time and you are frightened ... I promise you, I will do anything you want. What do you want?"

She smiles coyly and says, " I want number 69."

"Now?? You want beef and broccoli now?"

Nurse walks in to a patient's room

In a hospital room, a patient is lying in bed with an oxygen mask on.
A pretty, young nurse walks in and says, "I'm here to change your sheets!"

Patient says, "Please, nurse, are my testicles black?"

Nurse blushes and says, "I'm just here to change your sheets!"

Patient says, "Please, nurse, I'm begging -- are my testicles black?"

Nurse lifts up his sheet, pulls up his gown and thoroughly inspects his private parts. "Sir, it all looks fine!"

Patient slowly removes oxygen mask and says, "That was very nice, but ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?"

When I first met my boyfriend, he told me he shared something in common with the KKK...

He was right, that man is a wizard under the sheets.

I've been taking viagara for my sunburn.

It doesn't cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.

Why is Excel like a hotel maid?

They both spread sheets.

What do David Duke and Johnny Sins have in common?

They are both wizards under the sheets.

Last weekend I was accused of being dyslexic at a party...

I think they were just jealous of my goat costume, because nobody else put in *any* effort. For some reason they all decided to just wear bed sheets to the goat party.

I'm taking a Microsoft incel class.

So I can spread sheets by myself

What's better than a violin on your bed?

A fiddle between the sheets

A man has died after being suffocated under his bed sheets...

The government is now calling for a blanket ban.

Opinions are like sheets.

You should only change yours if it'll get you laid.

Shout out to Hotel Maids.

That have to change sheets February 15th

Every time I do it, I try my best but I still suck at it. When I was young my parents explained it to me in very simple terms. Over the years, many girls have showed me how to do it. I'm ashamed to say I've tried to learn from online videos.

And yet I still can't fold fitted sheets.

I don't want to make a blanket statement...

But my sheets are dirty.

Someone tried to steal my silk sheets and replace them with a cheaper fabric.

Not today, satin.

Not today.

What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom

At least until you wash the sheets

So a graverobber decides to dig up Mozart,

He digs down, opens the coffin, and finds, not a dead body but a very old Mozart rapidly erasing music sheets. The grave robber says "Mozart, is that you? What are you doing?" Mozart responds, "I'm decomposing."

How can you tell that ghosts are women?

They hog all the sheets

Normal People: "Alright, time to go to bed."

Insomniacs: "Let's yeet these sheets!"

My band director wanted to throw a "taping" party to organize our sheets of music.

I told him that I'll bring the Scotch.

[My favorite] So the parents call in a babysitter

She arrives to find the boy she is to take care of crying. Bending down she ask the boy "what's wrong?" the boy then responds "I lost my teddy bear" "Oh i can be your teddy bear" she replies and, the boy agrees. The parents leave and, time passes. "Bedtime!" the boy responds "but, I cant sleep with out my teddy" "OK ill sleep together with you". With the bed sheets covering both of the the boy says "I like to put my finger in teddys' bellybutton" "OK"..... a while passes the babysitter exclaims "UM .. UM that's not my bellybutton" the boy smiles " that's not my finger"

Things you can say about your washing machine that you can't to say about your girlfriend

"She can fit four loads inside her."

"Sometimes she gets really noisy during the spin cycle."

"If I leave it inside her too long, it starts to smell funny. "

"Got her half off, she was a steal!"

"She always leaves my sheets soaked. "

"I've lost so many socks inside her over the years. "

"There was a lot of mold around the rim."

"I have to drain her every now and then. "

Thank you, I'll be here until I get distracted.

Recently found out my wife is sleeping with our best friend when I'm out of town.

Every other month I get home from a trip, the sheets are miraculously just cleaned every single time. Hardly coincidental.

She thinks I don't notice the dog hair on the comforter, she never thought to wash that.

What size sheets does someone with a gambling addiction use?

Double or nothing

What's the best pickup line at Whole Foods?

"I like a lady in the streets, and a freak in the organic, hemp-infused sheets."

What did the Klansman say to the Muslim?

Psst...Who washes your ... sheets?

Two classical composers bump into each other on the street, because one is reading the sheets to his soon-to-be finished symphony.

He quickly hides the sheets in his pocket, but the other composer notices and asks:

β€žWhat are you Haydn?

Did you hear they're going to print the Daily Mail on A1 sheets?

It's pretty big news.

I was going to write a poem about fitted sheets...

But I don't have a clue on where to start

Halal in the streets but Haram in the sheets.

stole from a comment thread dont sue

What did the KKK member say when asked how he keeps his sheets so white?

I scare the coloreds away

Whats does Excel and a man who plays with his own feces have in common?

They both spread sheets.

Where does a vampire go to buy his sheets and towels?


Everyone is freaking out about all these glasses that glow under a backlight...

... But my sheets have been glowing under backlights since I was 14

How many engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There are no formula sheets for that.

Sparks joy

I decided to follow Marie Kondo's advice.

I stppped doing groceries. It did not spark joy.
I stopped doing laundry. It did not spark joy.
I stopped changing sheets. It did not spark joy.
I stopped servicing our car. It did not spark joy.
I stopped cooking. It did not spark joy.
I stopped throwing trash. It did not spark joy.

Then my wife left me. She said it did not spark joy.

Are you a boy or a girl?

A young boy and girl are sitting in a bed, the boy asks the girl: "Are you a boy or girl?"
"I don't know" she giggled.
"I can check for you if you want" he smiled.
He went down under the sheets and she began giggling again as he came back up.
"You're a girl!"
"How do you know?"
"You're wearing pink socks!"

I might not be a member of the klu klux klan

But I'm a wizard in the sheets.

A guy goes to heaven

A guy ends up at the pearly gates and St Peter welcomes him by congratulating him for being the first man to live to 350 years of age.

The guy is confused, I think you have got the wrong guy , I never lived that long.

St Peter replies, Yeah it's you, we worked it out from your IT contracting time sheets.

How to make Sheets jokes?

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