sheets Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious sheets stories

What are the best Sheets puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Sheets? Well here is a complete list of Sheets dad jokes:

I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn

Doesnt cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night

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Midnight Surprise!

A colleague approached this man at lunch and invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, and that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.

The colleague suggested a way to overcome that problem, "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realised he had to take a leak, so he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.

When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.

"How did you get in here?" he asked. "Shhhhhh!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

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A lawyer dies and goes to heaven . . .

"There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only 49."



"49?" says St. Peter. "No, according to our calculations, you're 83."



"How did you figure that?" the lawyer asks.



"We added up your time sheets," answered St. Peter.

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St. Peter and the Lawyer

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. There must be some mistake, the lawyer argues. I'm too young to die. I'm only fifty five. Fifty five? says Saint Peter. No, according to out calculations, you're eighty two. How's you get that? the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: We added up your time sheets.

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The Chinese 69 (Slightly NSFW)

A chinese couple get married. But theres one problem...shes a virgin and the man isn't very experienced either. The bed sheets are ready and the magic is about to happen.

The husband says, "What You Want? Tell me and I GIVE YOU!"
The wife says, "I want what they call..... 6^9..."
The husband says..."You want Beef with Broccoli?"

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Dirty Sheets

A guy is in the hospital when he gets a phone call from his girlfriend telling him that she's just gotten off work and will be there to see him in about a half hour. He's excited as can be and in his excitement, the hospital meatloaf he had for lunch rears its head in his belly.

He does his best to stop it, but there's no turning off this machine once it starts. He shits the bed. Not wanting his girlfriend to find him covered in filth, he drags himself up, pulls all the sheets off the bed and tosses them out the window.

5 stories below, two homeless men are sitting outside of the hospital when, completely out of nowhere, the sheet lands on one of them. He struggles and curses and kicks and swings and finally gets the dirty sheets off of him.

His friend, looking highly amused, asks him "What the hell was that?"

He replies "I don't know, but I think I just beat the shit out of some ghost."

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I'm not saying your girlfriend is a whore

I'm just saying she's under more sheets than the KKK.

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Every time I do it, I try my best but I still suck at it. When I was young my parents explained it to me in very simple terms. Over the years, many girls have showed me how to do it. I'm ashamed to say I've tried to learn from online videos.

And yet I still can't fold fitted sheets.

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My friend told me he walked into his house and saw that the sheets of paper in his office were having an orgy.

I asked him, "How does paper cum?"

"Why," he replied, "in stacks, of course."

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Did you hear they're going to print the Daily Mail on A1 sheets?

It's pretty big news.

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Where does a vampire go to buy his sheets and towels?

Bloodbath&Beyond

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Everyone is freaking out about all these glasses that glow under a backlight...

... But my sheets have been glowing under backlights since I was 14

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I might not be a member of the klu klux klan

But I'm a wizard in the sheets.

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Are you a boy or a girl?

A young boy and girl are sitting in a bed, the boy asks the girl: "Are you a boy or girl?"
"I don't know" she giggled.
"I can check for you if you want" he smiled.
"Okay"
He went down under the sheets and she began giggling again as he came back up.
"You're a girl!"
"How do you know?"
"You're wearing pink socks!"

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A guy goes to heaven

A guy ends up at the pearly gates and St Peter welcomes him by congratulating him for being the first man to live to 350 years of age.

The guy is confused, I think you have got the wrong guy , I never lived that long.

St Peter replies, Yeah it's you, we worked it out from your IT contracting time sheets.

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Black Balls

An intern at a hospital was making her rounds when she happened upon a patient with an oxygen mask on. She greeted him and couldn't quite make out his reply.

"I'm sorry, I didn't quite get that," she said.

"Could you please check if my testicles are black?" repeated the patient.

The nurse was quite flustered and outright refused to do so. After some convincing by the patient she agreed and pulled back his sheets. She held his testicles and upon examination concluded that they were normal.

"They're perfectly fine, sir," she said.

The man took of his mask and said, "Ma'am, that felt heavenly, now would you please check if my test results are back?!"

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"Smith the town wall builder"

The local drunk in a small town stumbles into his favorite establishment and orders a drink, already three sheets to the wind he starts shouting and pointing out the door into the town square.
"See that wall? I built that wall! But do they call me 'Smith-the-wall-builder'? No, no they don't!"

The next day he stumbles back in and orders a drink. Soon he is again pointing out into the town square and shouting, "See that mural on that wall? I painted that mural! But do they call me 'Smith-the-mural-painter? No, no they don't."

Now he looks down into his glass, sees that it is empty and orders another. As he stares into the empty glass he mumbles, "but you fuck one goat..."

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Adventures of Lil' Billy - Part 1

On a stormy night the sound of thunder wakes lil' Billy up. Scared, he makes his way to his parents' room. He slides in the crack open door only to find his mama and papa doin' it.Shocked, he yells "Dad! What are you doing to Mom?". Mom hides under the sheets while his dad tries to come up with an excuse. Hesitantly he tells him "Your mom was feeling a bit sick so i was examining her." Billy answers "Who fucks a sick woman, you sick fuck!".

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[My favorite] So the parents call in a babysitter

She arrives to find the boy she is to take care of crying. Bending down she ask the boy "what's wrong?" the boy then responds "I lost my teddy bear" "Oh i can be your teddy bear" she replies and, the boy agrees. The parents leave and, time passes. "Bedtime!" the boy responds "but, I cant sleep with out my teddy" "OK ill sleep together with you". With the bed sheets covering both of the the boy says "I like to put my finger in teddys' bellybutton" "OK"..... a while passes the babysitter exclaims "UM .. UM that's not my bellybutton" the boy smiles " that's not my finger"

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Sheets

A man and his wife go in to visit their rabbi because she is having trouble achieving an orgasm. After relating this problem to him, the rabbi responds by saying to simply allow a priest to wave a sheet over them while they are having sex.

That night, they try again with the priest waving the sheet, but the wife still cannot achieve an orgasm. The next day, they go back to the rabbi and tell him they are still having problems, and he tells the husband to try switching places with the priest. The man agrees and so that night they try again.

This time, the wife finally achieves orgasm as her husband waves a sheet over them. After seeing this, the man promptly looks at the priest and says, "Dumbass, that's how you wave a sheet!"

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Santa came!

I just wish he didn't do it on my sheets

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Pinocchio has been getting complaints from his girlfriend....

Pinnochio had been getting complaints from his girlfriend. "Every time we make love," she said, "I get splinters. "
So
Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the carpenter, for advice.
"Sandpaper," said the carpenter. "That's what you need. " So
Pinocchio took some sheets of sandpaper and went home. A few weeks later the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again. "How are you getting on with the girls now? " he asked. "Who needs girls? " said
Pinocchio."

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So a rabbi is performing a wedding

And he has about an hour to go before the ceremony. He has everything in place when he realizes he forgot the chuppah, and its too late for him to go back to the synagogue and get it. So he starts running around nearby homes, trying to find someone who has a canopy, and he starts to get more and more desperate, asking for bed sheets or anything that will work, and he has no luck at all. So finally he runs into an Irish pub that's just down the road and he staggers through the door and he says "Guys! I know it's a long shot, but I really, really need a canopy!"

So the bartender poors him a Miller Lite.

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Virgin Chinese couple on their wedding night

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he
is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her
husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry
flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting -
juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to
sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for
her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back,

'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks
her....

'You want...... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?

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Rock/Paper/Scissors

When I play rock/paper/scissors, I understand that scissors can beat paper, and I get how rock can beat scissors, but there's no fucking way paper can beat rock. Paper is supposed to magically "wrap around" rock, rendering it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors?

Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of notebook paper constantly suffocating students who attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why-- BECAUSE PAPER CANT BEAT ANYBODY!

A rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds.
When I play rock/paper/scissors, I always choose rock. Then when someone claims to have beaten me with paper, I punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, "Oh shit I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you. "

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best sheets jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 25 puns about sheets. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty sheets gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these sheets jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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