shaved Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious shaved puns

A woman just asked me if I like thighs or breasts

I told her I like shaved vagina and anal. Apparently this is not an appropriate answer at KFC

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My mate is shagging twins

My mates shagging twins who both like it up the arse. I asked how he tells them apart?

"That's easy", he said. "Sally's got massive tits and a nice shaved pussy. Derek has a moustache and big hairy bollocks"

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Wife: "I shaved down there. You know what that means..."

Husband: "Yeah, the drain is clogged again."

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My girlfriend came out of the shower

and said "I shaved my pussy, you know what that means?"

I said yeah,"the damn drain is clogged again!".

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She asked me if I'm a breast or legs man...

I replied that I'm more into shaved pussy and anal.

I'm now banned from KFC.

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My buddy told me that he's been sleeping with twins and the sex is amazing..

I said that's awesome, but how do you tell them apart?

"Well Diane's got nice firm tits and a shaved pussy...and Peter's got a moustache"

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My mate is shagging twins who both like it up the arse....

I told him he was a lucky bastard, and asked 'how do you tell them apart?'

He replied 'that's easy, sally has massive tits and a nice shaved pussy, and Derek has a moustache with big hairy bollocks!'

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Shaky hands

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."

The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"

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My boss noticed I shaved before coming in to the office today

then he told me if i wanted to keep my job I would have to start keeping my pants on

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I used to know a guy who shaved around six or seven times a day and still had a beard at the end of the day

He was a Barber.

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My friend shaved her eyebrows and has been drawing them on. Lately, she's been drawing them too high.

When I told her, she looked surprised.

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My dog ran away this morning.

I walked around the neighbourhood looking and calling his name for an hour but still couldn't find him.

My wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head and got a couple of tattoos. Still can't find the fucking dog....

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Before being ordained 6 priests had to stand nude

with a bell tied to their cocks. Anyone whos bell rang had no spiritual purity. A naked girl with big tits and shaved fanny danced before each one. 1st priest no reaction. She went down the line with no response from them till she reached last priest Ralph.
Poor Ralph. While she danced he got a stiffy and his bell rang and flew off across the room. Embarrassed he ran and bent to pick it up, then all the bells rang!

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A guy walks into a bar looking frustrated....

The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The guy replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

The guy says, "That sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."

A few months later, he returns to the bar in worse condition. "I shaved the tail of one of the horses, but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"

The bartender says, "Why don't you try shaving the mane?"

A few months later the guy is back. "I shaved the mane of one of the horses, but it grew back!"

The bartender yells, "Just measure the damn horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The guy storms out of the bar.

The next day, the guy runs into the bar. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses, and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

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Celibacy or .....

Before being ordained 6 priests had to stand nude with a bell tied to their cocks. Anyone whose bell rang had no spiritual purity. A naked girl with big tits & a shaved fanny danced before each one. 1st priest no reaction. She went down the line with no response from them till she reached last priest Ralph. Poor Ralph. While she danced he got a stiffy & his bell rang & flew off across the room. Embarrassed he ran & bent to pick it up, then all the fucking bells rang!

P.S.- fanny is a euphemism for female genitalia in UK.
It is also used as euphemism for buttocks in USA.
Former meaning should be considered for the sake of the joke.

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[NSFW] what do you call a Uk police woman with a shaved pussy?

Cuntstubble

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A wife comes downstairs to her husband and says...

A wife comes downstairs to her husband and says...

"I've got a surprise for you. You know how we haven't been at it for a while and I've kinda let things go down their? Well, I've shaved everywhere under my eyebrows and I'm ready for some fun!"

Looking rather disappointed, the husband let out a sigh and went back to reading his paper.

"What's the problem?" His wife asked.

"Well now I've got to clean the fucking plughole."

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A Buddhist monk goes to a barber

... to have his head shaved. "What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones.

That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay you, my son?" "No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself." And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses.

That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his *payoss* [sideburns] trimmed. "What do you want I should pay you?" "Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself." And the next morning, what do you know?

The barber finds on his doorstep β€” a dozen rabbis!

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I was asked if I preferred legs or breasts...

I said a shaved vagina is better, But apparently that wasn't really appropriate in KFC.

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Trump and Obama go to the same barber

Trump and Obama go to the same barber to get a shave. After Trump is done, the barber asks if he'd like some cologne or aftershave. "No", he says, "my wife will think I've been to a whore house" . After Obama gets shaved, the barber asks him the same thing. "Sure, go ahead", he says. "My wife doesn't know what a whore house smells like".

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Do you prefer legs or breasts?

Last night I was talking to a young good looking woman. She asked me if I preferred legs or breasts.

I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.

I was told to never come back to KFC again.

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My wife finally shaved her pubes

I can see her knees again.

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True story: When I shaved my Movember stache on Dec 1st...

I thought I looked really young, so I joked with my wife: "how does it feel to be married to a 12-year-old boy?"

She replied: "Better than a 12-year-old boy molester."

Touche.

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Not sure if this is the right place for this but it was suggested I cross-post here (from ShittyPoetry). So here's my holiday story, 'Twas The Night Before Fapmas. Enjoy!

'Twas the night before Fapmas, alone in my house

One hand on my penis, the other on the mouse

Her stockings were drawn up to her tight thighs with care

And above her lady bits she had shaved off her hair

The actress was disrobed all bare on her bed

When entered a hung dude about to get head

My hand it was lubed up all warm in my lap

I had just settled in for a long winter's fap

My lips formed a grin like a perverted Mad Hatter

And took to my deed with the goal of a splatter

Away to my penis I started to mash

As the man in the film mounted for a big smash

The sheen on her breasts looked of new fallen snow

With the glean of saliva from a slop given blow

When what to my wondering eyes should appear

But another guy entering the chick by the rear

With his cock he did drive her so lively and quick

I knew in a moment this guy gave mad dick

More rapid than eagles his member it came

And he grunted, and shouted, and called out her name

Now Jenna! Or Sasha! Or Amy! Or Jennifer

On Lisa! Or Eva! Or Sylvia or whoever!

To the top of the car hood! Up against the wall!

Now hump away! Hump away! Hump away all!

As the lube on my member through friction did dry

I reached for the bottle for which to apply

A squeeze and in seconds the fluid did spew

With a new dose of KY it was time for round two

And then, in a twinkling, I heard like a spoof

The chick say I'm cumming though there was zero proof

As I worked on my head and was squirming around

Down her chimney he drove with an exerted sound

He was dressed in birthday suit, from his head to his foot

And his unit had no marks from the place it was put

His bundle of toys had her now on her back

And he looked like a guy about to unload his sack

Her eyes – how they twinkled! Her breasts were so merry!

Her cheeks were like roses, as re-popped her cherry!

Her droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow

And the beard of his chin tickled her down below

The stump of his pipe she held soft in her teeth

And she wrapped her lips around his hard piece like a wreath

He had a broad face and a little round belly

That shook when he pumped like a bowl full of jelly

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself

A wink of his eye and as he got himself head

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work

And filled all her stockings; I continued to jerk

And laying his load all over her nose

He let out a sigh and triumphantly rose

He sprang to his feet and gave his friend a whistle

And away they flew out like the down of a thistle

All covered in semen the porn star was a sight

Happy Fapmas to all, and to all a good-night

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A man is sentenced to 15 years in prison, but escapes after only 3 days

He's taken in front of a judge, who orders the prisoner to explain his actions. The prisoner says "Well your honor, the first day, they gave me a comb, then shaved off all my hair. The second day, they gave me a tooth brush, then pulled out all my teeth. The third day, they gave me a jock strap, I went over the wall". "Case dismissed" declares the judge

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The curious case of the lost washcloth

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked, he asked his mother what was the hair in between her legs?

She responded, "It's my washcloth".

Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked
in on his mother again, but while she was in the hospital the
doctor shaved her pubic hair, and the boy asked his mother:

"What happened to your washcloth?"

The mother responded, "I lost it".

The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his
mother's washcloth. A few days later the little boy went running
to his mother yelling and screaming,

"I found your washcloth!"

The mother thinking that the child was just playing went along
with the boy and asked,

"Where did you find it?"

The boy answered, "The maid has it and she's washing daddy's face with it."

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A man asked a woman how often she shaved...

She told him, "About 15-20 times a day."

He asked her, "What's wrong with you!?!"

She told him, "I'm a barber."

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Who's the most 'merican...

Shortly after 9/11, Achmed and Abdul were terrified with what Muslim men had done to their adopted country.


The shaved their beards, changed into western clothes, and made a pact to meet in a years time, and see who had the most "american life".


So a year goes by, and the two men meet at a bar, and they began to discuss the events of the past year.


"I married a white woman, bought a Ram pick up truck, joined a softball team, and converted to Christianity... do you think you can be more American than that?" Abdul challenged.


"Fuck you, towel head!" Achmed responded.

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Wife vs. Girlfriend vs. beard

A married man was visiting his girlfriend when she requested that he shave his beard.

Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.

James replied, My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!!

Oh please? the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice…

Oh really, I can't, he replied. My wife loves this beard!!

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in and shaved his face smooth.

That night James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.

The wife was awakened somewhat, felt his face and replied, Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!

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Young man goes to the barber

Barber: what's it gonna be

Young man: I'll have the bottom bit completely shaved. Then above it a few little circles. Above that a want a spiky bit. Next to that I want it number 2 on the right side and number 3.5 on the left side. The top I want it a bit messy, with some bits longer that others.

Barber: ... I can't do that ...

Young man: You'd think motherf*ucker but that's what you did to me last time!

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I like my deli meat how I like my women

Thin and shaved

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I'm sick of emo kids walking school around with their shaved heads

Oh wait, that's the chemo kids

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I shaved my mustache after having kept it for a few years

I hated the way I looked at first, but it's growing on me.

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My girlfriend came out of the shower...

She said, I shaved my pussy, do you know what that means?
I said, Yeah, the fucking drain is clogged.

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I was walking down the street, and some guy came up to me and shaved off my mustache!

He stole it from right under my nose!

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What are the most funny Shaved jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Shaved? Well, here are the best Shaved dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Shaved pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes