shave Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious shave puns

I always shave my beard after having sex

... so I can remind my wife for how long we've not been doing it.

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Why do pencils shave?

To look sharp.

 
 

Cr

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I was talking to a girl in a bar last night

She said, "If you lost a few kgs, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

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How does Sean Connery shave?

Ctrl+S

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Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

To avoid being mistaken for feminists.

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Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

To avoid being confused with feminists.

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Why do sumo wrestles shave their legs?

So that you can tell them apart from feminists

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Shaving with a straight razor takes a lot of courage. I used to shave my privates with one

But I don't have the balls to do that anymore.

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Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

So people don't confuse them with feminists.

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Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

So you can tell them apart from feminists.

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My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..

"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.

"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.

"Does it hurt?" she asked.

"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."

"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.

"No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts." I told her.

"But don't they just fall off?"

"No, sweetheart." I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."

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Who shaves every hour everyday and still has a beard?

The barber

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An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

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Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard?

A barber.

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Two men went to the barbers for a shave......

They were both almost done when the barber reached for the aftershave when the first man said Don't put that shit on meβ€š my wife will think I've been in a whore house.

The other man then turned to his barber and said you can put it on me β€š my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whore house smells like.

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I remember being told that everytime you shave it off, it grows back thicker...

Cant wait to see my new cock

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My girlfriend asked me if I wanted her to shave before we had sex for the first time.

I said no honey, your mustache looks fine.

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Why did ancient Egyptians shave their heads?

To be more pharaohdynamic.

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I asked my girlfriend to shave her cunt.

I woke up the next morning bald.

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What do you call someone who has to shave 30 times a day?

A barber

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They say when you shave it grows back thicker.

Can't wait to see my new cock.

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Why is it common practice for sumo wrestlers to shave?

So they don't get mistaken for a feminist

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A Marine and a Sailor were getting a haircut.

One day there was a Marine and a Sailor sitting next to each other getting a haircut and a shave. At the end of the shave, the barber went to go put some aftershave on the Marine. The marine stopped the barber and said skip the aftershave, I don't want to go home to my wife smelling like a whore house When the Sailor was done the barber hesitated but the Sailor said, Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what a whore house smells like .

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I just saw a farmer shave a sheep in 1 second.

It was shear brilliance!

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An apprentice asked his master:

"If I shave my ass, does that make me gay?"

Master replies: "Man who cleans house is expecting guests."

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Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

Because if they didn't, people would mistake them for feminists.

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A farmer was having trouble telling his horses apart.

"I have two horses that I can't tell apart," he tells his friend. "Is there any way you can help me?"

"Shave the mane off one horse," his friend said. "Then you'll know the difference between them."

The farmer did as he was told, but after some time the mane grew back and he couldn't tell the difference anymore.

"This time, give one of them a small cut on its leg," said his friend. "Then you can tell it apart from the other."

The farmer did this again, but the other horse ran into a thorn bush and got a similar cut on its leg.

"Measure their height," said his friend. "One of them must definitely be a bit taller than the other."

The farmer tried it out, and it worked. Ecstatic, he ran back to his friend's house.

"It worked!" he yelled. "The black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

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I remember being told that every time you shave it off,it grows back thicker.

I can't wait to see my new cock.

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The Old Cowboy's Shave

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.

The barber replied, Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does .

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A man walks into a barber shop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

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Clean Shave

An old drover walks into a barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, NT, Aussie, for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in yonks, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

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3 senior citizens are having a conversation in the waiting room of their doctor

They are all pretty old, 80+ years, and they all shaking, they have tremors.

One says to the others "It's true that when you get old your body isn't worth much more, it's useless!"

The other says "You are right, look at me how much I shake!"

They all agree and say they also shake so much, they all have uncontrollable tremors

one of the old man says "Today I went to shave, and I cut all my face up!"

the second old man says "Today I went to have some coffee and I poured it all on myself!"

The third old man says "Today I went to take a piss and I came 3 times!"

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My Wife Offers a Deal

In an attempt to use sex to encourage me to do some jobs in and around the house, my wife walked up to me and said, I'll make you a deal… you go outside and cut the hedges, and I'll shave my pussy.

I replied, Don't be stupid. We can't both use the hedge trimmer at once.

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Thank god for dollar shave club

Now I can afford to put razors in all the Halloween candy.

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I was talking to a girl in the bar last night...

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night, and she said, If you lost a few pounds, had a shave, and got your haircut, you'd look alright. I said, If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.

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What are the most funny Shave jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Shave? Well, here are the best Shave dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Shave pick up lines to share with friends.

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