Shave Jokes

What are some Shave jokes?

I always shave my beard after having sex

... so I can remind my wife for how long we've not been doing it.

Why do pencils shave?

To look sharp.

 
 

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I was talking to a girl in a bar last night

She said, "If you lost a few kgs, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

How does Sean Connery shave?

Ctrl+S

Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

To avoid being mistaken for feminists.

Why do sumo wrestles shave their legs?

So that you can tell them apart from feminists

Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

So people don't confuse them with feminists.

My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..

"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.

"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.

"Does it hurt?" she asked.

"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."

"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.

"No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts." I told her.

"But don't they just fall off?"

"No, sweetheart." I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."

Who shaves every hour everyday and still has a beard?

The barber

An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard?

A barber.

My girlfriend asked me if I wanted her to shave before we had sex for the first time.

I said no honey, your mustache looks fine.

Why did ancient Egyptians shave their heads?

To be more pharaohdynamic.

What do you call someone who has to shave 30 times a day?

A barber

Why is it common practice for sumo wrestlers to shave?

So they don't get mistaken for a feminist

I just saw a farmer shave a sheep in 1 second.

It was shear brilliance!

Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

Because if they didn't, people would mistake them for feminists.

A farmer was having trouble telling his horses apart.

"I have two horses that I can't tell apart," he tells his friend. "Is there any way you can help me?"

"Shave the mane off one horse," his friend said. "Then you'll know the difference between them."

The farmer did as he was told, but after some time the mane grew back and he couldn't tell the difference anymore.

"This time, give one of them a small cut on its leg," said his friend. "Then you can tell it apart from the other."

The farmer did this again, but the other horse ran into a thorn bush and got a similar cut on its leg.

"Measure their height," said his friend. "One of them must definitely be a bit taller than the other."

The farmer tried it out, and it worked. Ecstatic, he ran back to his friend's house.

"It worked!" he yelled. "The black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

The Old Cowboy's Shave

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.

The barber replied, Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does .

A man walks into a barber shop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Clean Shave

An old drover walks into a barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, NT, Aussie, for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in yonks, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

Thank god for dollar shave club

Now I can afford to put razors in all the Halloween candy.

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night...

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night, and she said, If you lost a few pounds, had a shave, and got your haircut, you'd look alright. I said, If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.

Old man gets a shave at the barber

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.
The barber replied, Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does .

A beautiful girl...

...was giving a pedicure to a man who was at the same time also getting a shave at a salon. The man says

"What about a date later?"

"Am married", she replied.

The man said:

"So?, call your husband and tell him you are going to visit a girlfriend"

She said:
"You should tell him yourself, he is shaving you".

An old cowboy

walks into a barbershop in Dillon, Montana for a
shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little
wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have
happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.

Let's hear best "Confucius Say" jokes you got

My first Confucius Say joke was this:

>Confucius Says...Crowded Elevator Smell Different to Midget

Today while shaving in the shower I came up with this one

>Confucius Says...Man who shave nut sack with straight razor will not have a ball

Why do sumo wrestlers shave?

Because they dont want to be confused with feminists.

How does a redhead shave his pubes?

Gingerly

A woman takes her dog for a walk in the snow...

A woman takes her dog for a walk in the snow. When she gets home, she sees that his paws are frozen solid, and caked with ice! The next day she takes her dog to the vet, and asks
"can you shave my dog's paws so that snow doesn't get stuck in his fur?" The vet responds
"Shaving isn't the best option for dog paws, you should go to the drugstore and use some Nair shampoo instead." At the drugstore, the woman goes to check out with her bottle of Nair. Upon seeing this, the pharmacist says
"If you're using this on your legs, be sure not to shave for three days to avoid irritation." The woman responds
"No, it's not for my legs" The pharmacist says
"Well, if you're using this on your underarms, don't use deodorant for three days to avoid irritation there." The woman says
"Oh, no, it's for my Schnauzer." The pharmacist responds
"In that case, when you're done, don't ride your bike for a while."



-My barber told this one, today.

I almost cut myself with a razor today

It was a close shave

How did the farmer manage to shave 100 sheep in one hour?

Shear effort

The beard (no, not that, an actual beard)

A married man was visiting his girlfriend when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."

James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would hate me."

"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again.

"Oh really, I can't," he replies. "My wife loves this beard!"

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.

The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies, "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!"

Cowboy shave

Old Joe Peters walks into a barbershop in Miles City for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little wooden ball.

The barber replied: Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does ...

Wife vs. Girlfriend vs. beard

A married man was visiting his girlfriend when she requested that he shave his beard.

Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.

James replied, My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!!

Oh please? the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice…

Oh really, I can't, he replied. My wife loves this beard!!

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in and shaved his face smooth.

That night James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.

The wife was awakened somewhat, felt his face and replied, Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!

A pirate named Ronny gets promoted to First Mate.

Ronny is pondering life one day as hes giving the captain a shave.

"I'm not a very good pirate," he says to the captain. "I can't navigate and I don't know how to fight. I don't even sound like a pirate. Is there a reason you chose me as first mate?"

"Aye Ronny," says the captain.

I would shave my beard...

but it's kind of grown on me.

Barber's Joke today

A man enters a barbershop for a shave.
While the barber gets him lathered, he mentions he can't get a close shave on his cheeks.

"I have just the thing" the barber takes a small wooden ball from a small drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum"
The customer places the ball in his cheek and gets the closest shave he has ever experienced.

After the shave, the customer asks in garbled speech "what if I swallow it?" "Not a problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else"

What happens when Stevie Wonder tries to shave himself?

Stevie Nicks.

What do generals in the millitary shave?

Their privates.

Who shaves many times a day but still has a beard?

The barber.

I shaved my mustache after having kept it for a few years

I hated the way I looked at first, but it's growing on me.

An old man went to get a shave...

And the barber handed him a wooden ball to put in his mouth against his cheek to make his wrinkled skin smooth. After it was over with the man said "let me ask you something, what would've happened if I swallowed the ball?" And the barber says "just bring it back in two to three days like everyone else"

I used to always do No Shave November

At least until I started growing facial hair.

I like to shave in front of my car's side view mirrors every morning.

that way, I can get a closer shave than it appears.

Why did the robber shave his entire body?

So he could be a smooth criminal

My barber told me to put a ball in my mouth

My barber told me to put a ball in my mouth so he could a get a closer shave on my cheek.
I asked him "what happens if I accidentally swallow the ball?"
He replied " you can bring it back tomorrow just like everybody else who does "

Why do Egyptians shave their heads?

To make them more pharaoh-dynamic

Why isn't Sean Connery allowed to play Super Mario Bros. any more?

He kept trying to shave the princess.

I shaved my head the other day...

At first I hated the look, but it's starting to grow on me.

What do you call a blond policewoman who doesn't shave her pubes?

Hot fuzz.

Two 14-year-old Muslim boys have been suspended from school in Accrington for refusing to shave off their beards.

The head teacher said, "We will not tolerate a school environment where it's impossible to tell the boys from the girls."

Girl: So, how many times a day do you shave?

Man: Well, about 15-20 times every day.

Girl: My god, are you some kind of crazy?

Man: No, I'm a barber.

I shaved off a friends eyebrows a couple weeks ago, he was surprised apparently...

...I couldn't tell.

What does a Pelvic shave and a Pokestop have in common?

They both give you Pokeballs.

[Fixed] They say when you shave it, it grows back thicker.

That explains what happened to those pounds my wife "shaved off."

A Close Shave

An older man getting his hair cut said to the barber, I have very loose skin on my face so I can never seem to get a good close shave. Any ideas?

The barber handed him a small wooden ball and said, Place this in your mouth and roll it around to whichever side I'm shaving. It will stretch out the skin and I'll give you the best shave you've had in years.

The man did what the barber said and sure enough. his face was smooth as silk after the shave. He spit out the wooden ball and said, I just have one question- What would happen if I accidentally swallowed that wooden ball?

You'd bring it back in a few days, like everyone else does.

Went to shave my beard but decided not to, the longer I keep it, the more it grows on me.

Sure this is old but actually thought this the other day.

Today I went to the barber's shop for a shave.

The barber asked me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth so he could get a closer shave around my cheeks.

I asked: but what if I swallow the ball?

He replied: No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else

A family lives in the middle of nowhere...

Being in the middle of nowhere, they have pets. One day there dog starts to scratch more than usual and they taking him to the vet, fearing fleas.
The vet, after being told the situation, looks the dog over for a little bit and says, I think it's ticks actually. Go ahead and shave him right here and I'll show you why I think that.
So they shave the dog at the location indicated by the vet and they see these little tiny check marks that look like they're made by the world's tiniest sharpie.
See those? The vet says, Those are tick marks!

Apologies if this is a repost, haven't seen it on here yet and thought of it today at work.

What's the most effective way to get rid of crabs?

Shave half your pubes, light the other half on fire and smash them with a hammer when they come running out.

How to make Shave jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Shave to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Shave? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Shave pick up lines to share with friends.

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