Shave Jokes
149 shave jokes and hilarious shave puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about shave that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Find a face full of laughter with these shave jokes! From close shaves to Burma shaves, a good pun is sure to keep you looking good. Whether you're sporting a full beard, a goatee, a moustache, or just a clean shave, there's sure to be something here to make the barber and his stylings even more enjoyable.
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Funniest Shave Short Jokes
Short shave jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The shave humour may include short shaving razor jokes also.
- My wife told me I should shave my beard. A few months ago, I would have maybe agreed with her, but now it has really grown on me.
- Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs? Because if they didn't, people would mistake them for feminists.
- Thank god for dollar shave club Now I can afford to put razors in all the Halloween candy.
- The people you meet as a firefighter are really weird sometimes. I met this woman today who kept demanding I shave her baby.
- Don't use Cops to protect the Capitol building! Use barbers and hairdressers, the threat of a shave, shampoo and haircut should have most of them running for the hills!
- I would shave my beard... but it's kind of grown on me.
- What do generals in the millitary shave? Their privates.
- What happens when Stevie Wonder tries to shave himself? Stevie Nicks.
- Who shaves many times a day but still has a beard? The barber.
- What do you call a ceramic artist in need of a shave? Hairy Potter.
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Shave One Liners
Which shave one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with shave? I can suggest the ones about man shaving and razor.
- Why do pencil shave? To look sharp.
Cr - How does Sean Connery shave? Ctrl+S
- Why do sumo wrestlers shave their leg? To avoid being mistaken for feminists.
- Who shaves every hour everyday and still has a beard? The barber
- Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
- Why did ancient Egyptians shave their heads? To be more pharaohdynamic.
- What do you call someone who has to shave 30 times a day? A barber
- I just saw a farmer shave a sheep in 1 second. It was shear brilliance!
- What's the only job where you get to shave your privates at work? Army barber
- My friend never learned to shave properly I guess her mom didnt razor right
- I replaced my dad's shaving cream with mayonnaise... He shouted "what the Hellman!"
- How did the farmer manage to shave 100 sheep in one hour? Shear effort
- "Mom, Daddy's drunk" "Why do you say that?"
"He's shaving the mirror again.." - How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades? By shaving with them.
- What did 007 say about the Queens legs God Shave the Queen
After Shave Jokes
Here is a list of funny after shave jokes and even better after shave puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My barber asked me to stop singing Wonderwall I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that shaves me (shaves me) - How does a mustache support his family in the event of his untimely death? By investing in a shavings account.
- I like to shave in front of my car's side view mirrors every morning. that way, I can get a closer shave than it appears.
- Why did the robber shave his entire body? So he could be a smooth criminal
- Chuck Norris was 6 years old, when his friends went to his house to get him to play around, his mom told: Chuck Norris cant come right now he is busy shaving.
- I forgot to shave my sundial yesterday... ..hence the five o'clock shadow
- Where does a pencil sharpener keep its money? In a shavings account.
- Why isn't Sean Connery allowed to play Super Mario Bros. any more? He kept trying to shave the princess.
- Girl: So, how many times a day do you shave? Man: Well, about 15-20 times every day.
Girl: My god, are you some kind of crazy?
Man: No, I'm a barber. - Robocop lost his job on the Police force.. He's found new employment advertising for a barber shop
Shave now.. or there will be stubble
Shave Beard Jokes
Here is a list of funny shave beard jokes and even better shave beard puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did the hipster shave off his beard? To keep cool during the summer…
- All this time I've been looking forward to when I can get a proper haircut again, and thinking I'll shave off this lockdown beard of mine. But over the past year, it's gradually grown on me.
- Went to shave my beard but decided not to, the longer I keep it, the more it grows on me. Sure this is old but actually thought this the other day.
- Now that No Shave November is over, I don't really want to shave off my beard It's growing on me
- I've considered shaving off my beard But it's starting to grow on me
- How do philosophers shave off their beards? Occam's razor
- Chuck Norris' beard can shave a razor.
- Why do Jehovah's Witnesses believe Christ had no beard? Jesus shaves.
- I'm keeping my beard after No-Shave November. It's really starting to grow on me.
- Back in high school, I had this very bad beard and everyone would make fun of for it... So I had to start using a razor to *shave* face
Shave Mustache Jokes
Here is a list of funny shave mustache jokes and even better shave mustache puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did the customer say to the barber? I mustache you a question, but I'll shave it for later!
- Stopped shaving for November, at first I hated the mustache, but what can I say? It's grown on me.
- I told my SO that now Movember is over they should shave their mustache. She didn't take it very well.
- I used to have a great big mustache, but my girlfriend told me it was disgusting and made me shave it. I miss it already. Where else am I supposed to find eggnog in the middle of April?
- I mustache you a question... But I'll shave it for later
- In light of Movember... Now that November has drawn to a close, a lot of my friends told me it was finally time to get rid of my 'awful' mustache.
I told them, that goes without shaving! - Hey bro can I see your worm collection? Yeah bro *shaves mustache
Shave Haircut Jokes
Here is a list of funny shave haircut jokes and even better shave haircut puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A man goes to a barber shop... "How much for a haircut?"
"$20" answers the barber.
"What about shaving?"
"$10"
"Okay, shave my head, please." - One day the queen wanted a haircut. No barber in England would do it.
Why?
Only God shave the Queen. - I went to a barber shop yesterday and couldn't believe the prices. A shave and a haircut there cost three bits.
- Robot Barber How much computer memory is required to build a robot that can give you a shave and a haircut?
Two bits.
Close Shave Jokes
Here is a list of funny close shave jokes and even better close shave puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What would you call Sean Connery walking out of a burning barber shop? A close shave
Hilarious Shave Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
What funny jokes about shave you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean shaving off beard jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make shave pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Let's hear best "Confucius Say" jokes you got
My first Confucius Say joke was this:
>Confucius Says...Crowded Elevator Smell Different to Midget
Today while shaving in the shower I came up with this one
>Confucius Says...Man who shave n**... with straight razor will not have a ball
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night...
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night, and she said, If you lost a few pounds, had a shave, and got your haircut, you'd look alright. I said, If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.
Two 14-year-old Muslim boys have been suspended from school in Accrington for refusing to shave off their beards.
The head teacher said, "We will not tolerate a school environment where it's impossible to tell the boys from the girls."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many shaves does it take to remove all a persons p**... hair?
A brazillion!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How does a redhead shave his p**...?
Gingerly
An old man went to get a shave...
And the barber handed him a wooden ball to put in his mouth against his cheek to make his wrinkled skin smooth. After it was over with the man said "let me ask you something, what would've happened if I swallowed the ball?" And the barber says "just bring it back in two to three days like everyone else"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does a s**... otter look like?
Odder...
Sorry
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
was trimming my beard with my jumper today
it was a **clothes** shave...
When people with gluten allergies shave...
They go against the grain.
A farmer was having trouble telling his horses apart.
"I have two horses that I can't tell apart," he tells his friend. "Is there any way you can help me?"
"Shave the mane off one horse," his friend said. "Then you'll know the difference between them."
The farmer did as he was told, but after some time the mane grew back and he couldn't tell the difference anymore.
"This time, give one of them a small cut on its leg," said his friend. "Then you can tell it apart from the other."
The farmer did this again, but the other horse ran into a thorn bush and got a similar cut on its leg.
"Measure their height," said his friend. "One of them must definitely be a bit taller than the other."
The farmer tried it out, and it worked. Ecstatic, he ran back to his friend's house.
"It worked!" he yelled. "The black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
[Fixed] They say when you shave it, it grows back thicker.
That explains what happened to those pounds my wife "s**... off."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
So they're not confused with feminist.
Sorry.
Clean Shave
An old drover walks into a barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, NT, Aussie, for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in yonks, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
So people don't confuse them with feminists.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I heard Sean Connery's great grandpa was hung for lèse-majesté.
God, shave the Queen.
You know, they're making the prospective Mars astronauts shave their whole bodies prior to departure. That way, when it's time for blastoff...
they'll baldly go where no man has gone before.
What does a Pelvic shave and a Pokestop have in common?
They both give you Pokeballs.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a barber shop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I s**... it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
A barber, a hairdresser, and bigfoot walk into a bar...
You know what...I'm gonna shave this joke for another time.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I s**... my head the other day...
At first I hated the look, but it's starting to grow on me.
Guys whose fathers left when they were young always complain about how they never had someone to "teach them how to shave" but it's easy...
You start at the ankle and work your way up!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I used to always do No Shave November
At least until I started growing f**... hair.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
People say that real men don't shave...
As if running sharp blades across your face is less manly than doing nothing at all.
The other day I stayed in a very swanky hotel ...
... I had to shave before they let me go in their barbershop.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I always shave my beard after having s**...
... so I can remind my wife for how long we've not been doing it.
I found the simplest, best way to shave
You have to use Occam's Razor
I applaud all the women who don't shave down there
That's a level of self confidence I can really get behind.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a blond policewoman who doesn't shave her p**...?
Hot fuzz.
My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..
"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.
"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.
"Does it hurt?" she asked.
"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."
"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.
"No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts." I told her.
"But don't they just fall off?"
"No, sweetheart." I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."
How do you get a sheep to shave itself?
Under shear pressure.
Why did Sean Connery open up his barbershop in the forest, rather than the city?
He wanted to shave a couple bucksh.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girlfriend asked me if I wanted her to shave before we had s**... for the first time.
I said no honey, your mustache looks fine.
A beautiful girl...
...was giving a pedicure to a man who was at the same time also getting a shave at a salon. The man says
"What about a date later?"
"Am married", she replied.
The man said:
"So?, call your husband and tell him you are going to visit a girlfriend"
She said:
"You should tell him yourself, he is shaving you".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do sumo wrestlers shave?
Because they dont want to be confused with feminists.
The Old Cowboy's Shave
An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.
The barber replied, Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the most effective way to get rid of c**...?
Shave half your p**..., light the other half on fire and smash them with a hammer when they come running out.
A pirate named Ronny gets promoted to First Mate.
Ronny is pondering life one day as hes giving the captain a shave.
"I'm not a very good pirate," he says to the captain. "I can't navigate and I don't know how to fight. I don't even sound like a pirate. Is there a reason you chose me as first mate?"
"Aye Ronny," says the captain.
I was talking to a girl in a bar last night
She said, "If you lost a few kgs, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I s**... off a friends eyebrows a couple weeks ago, he was surprised apparently...
...I couldn't tell.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I told my husband to shave because he looks like a r**....
Now he looks like an undercover r**....
An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.
Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.
The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.
He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"
As a guy, I used to shave my chest hair...
But now it's starting to grow on me.
-Did you shave my eyebrows while I was sleeping???
+You don't look surprised
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My n**... Days Are Over
My n**... days are over, my pilot light is out.
What used to be my s**... appeal, is now my waterspout.
Time was when, on its own accord, from my trousers it would spring,
But now I've got a full-time job, to find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing, the way it would behave.
For every single morning, it would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches, it sure gives me the blues,
to see it hang its little head, and watch me tie my shoes!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How did the semi-literate blonde drown?
After years of seeing the billboards and flyers, she decided it was time to do her part to help shave the whales.
When I saw an old friend from school, he asked why I was bald. I replied "cancer."
"Cancer?"
"Yeah I asked the barber if he could shave my head, and he 'I sure cancer!'"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How does a vegan shave their p**...?
With a lawn mower.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I s**... the Nike logo out of my p**..., my wife asked me why
I told her Stop talking and just do it.
What did the one cow say to the one who forgot to shave?
Nice moostache.
Why was Sean Connery asked to leave the wildlife conservatory?
He kept saying he wanted to shave the animals.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked my friend if he would ever dare to shave his n**... with a straight razor
He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the b**... to try it again.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
A moustache.
Moustache who?
I moustache you a question, but I'll shave it for later.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I haven't s**... my mustache since the lockdown begun...
And it's kind of growing on me.
An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut
He asks the barber, "do you think you can get all my whiskers off? My cheeks are so wrinkled from age".
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As I sat there winding my hair through my fingers, I thought to myself
"I really need to shave my a**..."
