JokoJokes

Sharing Wife Jokes

59 sharing wife jokes and hilarious sharing wife puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about sharing wife that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Sharing Wife Short Jokes

Short sharing wife jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The sharing wife humour may include short mean wife jokes also.

  1. I like my passwords like my girlfriends: change them every 6 months, never share them and make sure my wife doesn't know any of them
  2. So my wife said to me, "I swear, it's like all men share one brain" I wanted to think of a clever comeback, but it wasn't my turn to use the brain
  3. Wife: "That wind outside is intense." Me: "No, it's outside."
    Was a lot more funny when spoken than typed out but I wanted to share
  4. Ever since I bought $GME shares, my wife won't stop boiling chickens. She likes the stock.
  5. What do you call two robots that share a motherboard? Brobots.
    My wife made it up. When I told her it doesn't make sense, she said that doesn't matter.
    I'm sorry.
  6. In light of Valentine's Day My girlfriend's mom told this joke and I thought it was worth sharing with you guys.
    Q: What did the farmer get his wife for Valentine's Day?
    A: hogs and kisses
  7. My wife finished breastfeeding our son so I threw out her old breast pump I'll miss that thing. We shared some good mammaries together.
  8. I just came home with 25 pairs of carpenter jeans. . . My wife thinks I'm building a new wardrobe.
    BTW original, thought I'd share.
  9. My wife is a six and I am a ten. The only problem this causes is that we can't share shoes.
  10. Wife: It's like every man in the world shares one brain. Husband: Hold on, I can't make an answer since it is not my turn to use the brain.

Share These Sharing Wife Jokes With Friends




Sharing Wife One Liners

Which sharing wife one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with sharing wife? I can suggest the ones about cheating wife and beautiful wife.

  1. My wife offered me some shares for myspace. I now own 30% of the bed.
  2. My wife and I share a sense of humour... Coz we have to...She doesn't have one.
  3. My wife told me I needed to share more of myself Now I'm divorced
  4. Me and my wife share the cost of w**.... We take it out of our joint account.

Sharing Wife Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about sharing wife you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bad wife jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make sharing wife pranks.

One man's marriage has gotten a bit dull, so he asks a friend if he has any ideas on how to add some excitement back to the marriage.
"Well," his friend says, "you can always have an affair."
"I can't do that! I will always be faithful to her." the troubled man replies.
"If you convince her to let you do it, and then it won't be cheating."
The man agrees to give it a try. The next time his wife seems to be in a very good mood he shares the idea with her that a new partner would add excitement.
"Honey," his wife says, "that won't help our marriage.
Believe me, I already tried it."

A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast-food restaurant.


He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and as he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries until each had half of them. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would let him buy another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, “Oh, no.
We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared 50-50.”
The young man asked the wife if she was going to eat, to which she replied,
“Not yet. It’s his turn to use our teeth.”

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"
The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"
Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

Fred drank a lot and his wife said "If you ever come home drunk again, I'm gonna leave you"...

Inevitably, he went out to a pub, drank too much and threw-up all over himself. He turned to his friend and shared his dilemma "If I go home in this state my wife will leave me". His friend replied "I tell you what, go home and tell her somebody threw-up over you and gave you twenty-pounds. Show it to her and say he gave you this for the dry-cleaning bill". Fred goes home and his wife starts shouting at him. Quickly, he says "No, no, no, somebody threw-up over me, gave me twenty-pounds for the dry-cleaning bill", She looks at him and asks "Why have you got two twenty-pound notes in your hand, then?", Fred, smiling says "Oh the other is from the man who s**... in my underpants".

Wife's birthday gift

Just got one-upped by my coworker on break, thought I'd share:
Me: Wife's birthday is in a few days.
Him: Oh? What are you getting her?
Me: Off ;)
Me: Seriously though, probably just something small.
Him: That's what she said :D
Me: ಠ\_ಠ

Adam's new wife

Adam had been in the garden of Eden for several years without someone to share his life with. One day, he asked God for a companion.
God said to him, "I can give you a wife that will be everything you could dream of. Humble and submissive, she will make your life nothing but pleasurable. However, to make her I'll need an arm and a leg."
Adam says, "Aw what, that s**...! What can I get for a rib?"

Financial planning

Roy was a single guy, living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three weeks later, she became his stepmother.

I met a Gentleman that was married for 75 yaers, and he shared the secret to a long marriage,

"On our 25th wedding anniversory, I took my wife to China. On our 75th wedding anniversory, I went to pick her up."

Oh, Dave!

Dave's wife thinks that he is pushing himself too hard, so she takes him to a local s**... club for his birthday.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How are ya?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
They sit and a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know what you drink."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi, Davey," she says, "Want your usual lap dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. His wife starts screaming at him.
The cabbie turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real doozy this time, Dave!"

An elderly couple walks into McDonalds...

...and they order a single meal. A man sitting nearby watches as they carefully divide the burger and fries in half. He feels sorry for them and offers to buy them another meal. "It's ok," says the husband, "we share everything."
After a few minutes the man notices that the wife has not touched her food while the husband is busy scarfing away. "I'm serious, it's no trouble," he says. "I can buy you guys another meal."
"And I'm serious," replies the husband. "We share everything! Don't worry about it."
The man looks to the wife and asks "Why aren't you eating?"
She replies, "because I'm waiting for the teeth!"

Raising The Dead!

This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night.
The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV and the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I will heal you."
The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin.
With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."

Poor elderly couple in fastfood restaurant

A Poor elderly couple walk into a fastfood restaurant and order one value meal. They quietly go to their table And the man gets a knife and cut the hamburger in half, gets a plastic cup, And proceed to equally divide the drink that came with the menu drop by drop. He then divide the fry's one by one so they both get exactly the same amount.
Another costumer noticed this and gets to the couple: "It seems you can't afford to get a meal for both. I be happy to buy you an additional meal". The man replies: "No its OK. we are used to sharing. We share everything since we are together.", and the costumer go back to his table but still observe the couple.
He sees how the man drinks half of their drink.
He sees how the man eats his part of the fry's
and he sees how the man eat his half of the hamburger, he noticed his wife haven't eat a single bite.
He goes back to the couple and ask the wife:"Well what are you waiting for?",
The wife replied:"the teeth"

A couple of Hobos are sitting under an overpass sharing some hobo chili...

When Colorado Curly Bo says to Dakota Slim, "So, how'd you end up like this?"
Dakota Slim says, "Booze."
Bo says, "Yeah, I know how that is."
Dakota Slim continues, "I had it all; a beautiful wife, big house, two-car garage, and I just drank it all away."
He pauses, and asks "How'd you end up here?"
Bo says, "Racehorses."
Dakota reflects, "Yeah, I know how that is."
Bo says, "I just kept buying 'em and eating 'em!"

A man is lying on his death bed...

And he decides to share his will.
"My daughter, you get the high rises," he says,
"My son, you get everything south of the river," he says,
"And my wife, you get everything else."
Then he dies.
After this, the nurse says to his wife, "Wow, that sure was a lot of properties.
The wife says, "Properties? That was his paper route!"

Cannibal Jokes...

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"


A cannibal invites a friend around for dinner. As they're tucking into the starter, the guest says
"Wow. Your wife make a lovely stew."
"I know." answers the host. "I sure will miss her."


Two cannibals are sharing a lost tourist.
"You start at the feet. I'll start at the head." says the first. After a little while he notices his friend hasn't said much. "You ok?" he asks.
"Fine." Comes the reply. "I'm having a ball."
"You're eating too fast."

a nice Italian couple . . .

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husbands'
marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was
approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and
share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the
same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to
treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka
her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'
The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all
the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife
for your 50th anniversary?

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go p**... her up."

At a marriage counselling session for men...

... the counseller asked the men to divide themselves into those that always listen to their wives as a group, and those that are able to stand up for themselves as another group.
Expecting a sweeping outcome, the counseller was surprised to see John sitting alone in the group for men able to stand up for themself. Curious yet glad to have an example, the counseller asked John "Hey John, please share your experience with us so that we may all learn."
To that, John strongly replied "My wife told me not to sit with the crowd."

Financial Planning

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

A man drives to a gas station with the sign "Free s**... with every full tank".

The man fills up, goes inside and asks the guy inside for his free s**.... The attendant says "Tell me a number between 1 and 10", "7", "That was close, it was 8, better luck next time."
Next week he tries again, and he chooses 2 and close but no free s**.... Keep on trying is the attendant advice. The man returns to his car and later shares his disappointment with a coworker.
"But don't you realize" says the coworker "that this is a marketing ploy, and you are never going to win at it?" "I'm not s**...." says the man, "And I know it's not just a ploy, because, three times in a row now, my wife has won it".

A couple goes to a therapist...

after 18 years of marriage.
The wife shares, "I don't think my husband loves me!"
The therapist turns to the husband, "Well, do you love her?"
The husband says, "Of course, I do!"
So the therapist asks him, "Do you tell her that?"
The husband says, "I told her 18 years ago, if anything changes, I'll let her know.."

A man and his wife have to go to a doctor. The doctor asks, Do you share the same blood group?

A man and his wife have to go to a doctor. The doctor asks, Do you share the same blood group?
The husband replies, We must by now. She's been s**... my blood for years.

A new hot secretary joined a company...

Two guys of this company start to speak about her:
"Holy molly she is so hot, we should really try to sleep with her"
So they start flirting with her.
One week later, the first one manages to sleep with her. His friend asks him "So, how was it?" "Meh, my wife is better".
Surprised by this answer, this guy starts to hit on the secretary very hard, and gets to have s**... with her three days later.
His friend then asks him if he shares his opinion. He answers: "Yeah, you were actually right: your wife is better".

An elderly couple goes to Burger King, where they carefully split a burger and fries. A trucker takes pity on them and offers to buy the wife her own meal.''It's all right,'' says the husband. ''We share everything.''

A few minutes later, the trucker notices that the wife hasn't taken a bite. ''I really wouldn't mind buying your wife her own meal,'' he insists.''She'll eat,'' the husband assures him. ''We share everything.''Unconvinced, the trucker implores the wife, ''Why aren't you eating?''The wife snaps, ''Because I'm waiting for the teeth!''

A single guy was living with his elderly father and running the family business.

He realized he was going to inherit a fortune once his ailing father died and decided he needed a wife to share his life.
One day at the bank, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and made his move.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy." he said to her. "But in a few years, my father will die and I'll inherit 10 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.
A month later, she became his stepmother.

Needing a little more room to park our bikes I said, "another 10cm would make such a great difference"

and so my wife, bless her, replied with a stellar "that's what she said".
True story from yesterday morning, just wanted to share our mirth :)

Two friends are sitting in the bar drowning in their miseries......

The first one goes "I lost everything with my divorce, wealth, mansion, cars, bank balance etc. and here I am sharing a rented apartment with you. Nothing can be worse than this."
The second one assures him that his situation is much worse than him.
"How??" Demands the first one.
"Well I had a booming business and all the riches" he moaned. "Then it all came crashing down, with losses incurring, I lost my wealth, mansion, cars, bank balance etc. And here I am sharing a rented apartment with you."
"How's your situation worse than mine" growled the first one.
"You see my friend" sighed the second one, "I still have my wife!"

Some students notice an elderly couple in the McDonald's with only one meal on the table...

"Excuse me," says one of the students, "I noticed that you only have one meal between you. If you'd like we could get another for you, it's no trouble."
"That's very kind of you," replies the elderly woman, "but you see, in our marriage my husband and I share everything. This is enough food for both of us."
A few minutes later, the students again notice that the only elderly man is eating while his wife sits in still silence.
"Perhaps we could get that meal for you after all?" another student asks sheepishly. To which the woman replies:
"Oh no, it's fine. I'm waiting for my turn with the dentures."

My friend Dave was a single guy living at home with his Father and working in the family business. He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly Father died.

Dave wanted two things:
1. To learn how to invest his inheritance.
2. To find a wife to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my Father will die, and I'll inherit $20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman requested his business card.
Two weeks later, she became his Stepmother.

Italian Anniversary

At the church's husbands' marriage seminar, the Priest asked Luigi, on his upcoming 50th
wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to
stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I've-a tried to treat-a her well, spend-a the money on her, but-a, da best-a is-a dat I took her to Italy for the 20th-a anniversary!
The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm-a gonna go and-a get her."

Doctor tells a man that he will die by the next morning

The man goes home and tells his wife about this and asks her to stay awake the whole night so they can talk about all the good memories they share.
The wife starts to fall asleep after some time. The man asks "Why are you falling asleep?"
The wife replies "You don't have to wake up tomorrow morning, but I do!"

In a confession booth...

ME: I committed all seven deadly sins in 30 minutes.
PRIEST: Wow I gotta hear this.
ME: I was angry and envious at my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and I didn't share.
PRIEST: You forgot pride.
ME: No, Im pretty proud of this.

I told my wife that I have the same birthday as Adolf h**....

She said, "It's crazy to think that such a loathsome figure, who ruined the lives of so many people, shares the same birthday as Adolf h**...."

Would you rather have a mistress or a wife?

A doctor, a lawyer, and a scientist were asked if they would rather have a mistress or a wife.
The doctor says I would rather have a wife so that I have someone to go home to after a long day at the hospital.
The lawyer says I'd rather have a mistress that way I don't have to share any of my money if it doesn't work out.
The scientist says I'd rather have both. When asked why the scientist replied, that way the wife thinks I'm with the mistress and the mistress thinks I'm with the wife but really I'm in the lab working!

An elderly couple are at McDonald's

They order one meal between the 2 and go and sit down.
The guy in the booth next to them notices they've only got one meal and offers to buy them another one.
The elderly man says "no thank you we share everything"
So the elderly man then cuts the burger in half and gives half to his wife. She starts to eat and the elderly man just sits there.
The man in the booth looks over again and this time notices the elderly man isn't eating yet. So he asks "why aren't you eating as well?
The elderly man replies "I'm waiting for the dentures"

Problems

Husband approaches his wife, Jenny, I think I have a problem.
Jenny smiles at him kindly, Darling, your problems are my problem also. A trouble shared is a trouble halved. Tell me.
OK, says the husband, in that case, we got the neighbor pregnant.

Taken to town by my 6 year old

Hey all,
I thought I would share a wholesome yet hilarious jab at me my daughter unintentionally made last night.
I honestly can't remember what joke I made last night but it's one that we would all make. akin to the kid comes up and days I'm hungry joke. I chuckle to myself.
My 6 year old responds
Daughter: Mom, is Dad still learning to tell jokes?
Wife: No sweetie why do you ask?
Daughter deadpan face and tone: Because that wasn't funny.

I made an IRL dad joke a few weeks back...

and it may be my crowning achievement.
We did a delayed Christmas at the in-laws a few weekends back (COVID happened) and my FIL is the kind of jokester that does things like wrap one boot in one present for his wife and the other boot in another.
Mom-in-Law says, "look at him, stretching one gift into two...."
Father-in-law then opens a gift from her and it's a winter vest. Without missing a beat I say, "look who's stretching gifts now, where's the box with the sleeves!?"
I never post so I had to build karma before sharing but hopefully it was worth the wait!

Proud Dad Moment

My daughter has two in-grown toe-nails, one on each foot. I was preparing some nice warm soaking water for her while my wife asked our daughter how her feet were doing and the conversation went like this:
Mom: How's your toe doing, you have two toes right?
Me/Daughter (at the exact same time): I have ten toes!
My wife gave the necessary groan and laughed, but my daughter and I shared a truly special moment.
I was most proud.

For my Cake day I would like to share my biologist wife's favorite joke.

Two girls are giving relationship advice to their friend.
The confectioner says:
"The quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach." And offers to help the girl bake a cake.
The doctor says:
"That is actually false, the quickest way to a man's heart is through the fourth and fifth ribs."

Don't know if this is known but I wanted to share

The wife said: "hey I'm gonna be back in 2 hours max"
Husband: "are you cheating on me?"
Wife: "what?"
Husband: "say what you just said"
Wife: "I'm gonna be back in 2 hours max"
Husband: "Exactly, my name is John"

A couple is waiting in line with other guests to register at a busy hotel, and eventually are told that the only available room has twin beds.

The husband looks disappointed and says, "We've been sharing a bed for 44 years. I don't know about that."
The wife says, "Can we at least put the beds close together?"
The other guests in line smile, and one even quips, "How sweet!"
The wife then explains, "It's just that if he snores, I want to be able to elbow him."