shares Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious shares puns

I was feeling lonely, so I bought some shares.

It's nice to have some company.

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What do you say when a German shares a meme with you?

Danke.

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I met someone online who shares my fetish for urinating on dried fruit...

Next week we're going to go on a date

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A little lizard

A little lizard is walking through the jungle one day and spots a koala bear up in a tree.
"Hey, what are you doing?" asks the little lizard. Koala bear replies, "I'm getting high, come up and join me."
So the little lizard climbs the tree and shares a joint with the koala bear. Pretty soon the little lizard gets thirsty, he spots the river and says he's going to go get a drink. So the little lizard climbs down the tree, walks over to the river and as he is drinking he ends up falling in. An alligator saw this and rushes over to help the little lizard out of the water.
"What the heck are you doing?" asks the alligator.
"Well, I was getting high with the koala bear in the tree and then I got thirsty and then...."
"Whoa, wait a minute. You were getting high with a koala bear? I've got to see this." Says the alligator as he goes walking off into the jungle.
The alligator spots the koala bear in the tree and shouts up "Hey, what are you doing up there?"
The koala bear looks down and says "Shiiiiiiiiiiit, Dude, how much water did you drink?"

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Banking Crisis in Japan

Recent reports indicate the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of improving. If anything, it's getting worse. Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, it was today learned that Sumo Bank has gone belly up. Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 jobs at Karate Bank will be chopped. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

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Mark's dating woes...

Mark was having a problem dating girls in that every time he invited one to his parents' house to meet his parents his mother showed a strong dislike towards her.

So, one night when out with his buddies, Mark confided to his friend, David, this problem. David took a drink of his beer and told his friend, "If you want your mother to like your girl, find someone who shares common interests with her."

About a month later, Mark and David were in the pub again and Mark was again lamenting to David his problem. "Did you take my advice?" asked David. "Yeah, it was going great, too. I brought her to my parents' house and she and Mom hit it off, talking and laughing the entire evening." David was puzzled. "So what happened?" he asked.

Mark took a drink of his beer. "My dad can't stand her."

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A man drives to a gas station with the sign "Free sex with every full tank".

The man fills up, goes inside and asks the guy inside for his free sex. The attendant says "Tell me a number between 1 and 10", "7", "That was close, it was 8, better luck next time."

Next week he tries again, and he chooses 2 and close but no free sex. Keep on trying is the attendant advice. The man returns to his car and later shares his disappointment with a coworker.

"But don't you realize" says the coworker "that this is a marketing ploy, and you are never going to win at it?" "I'm not stupid." says the man, "And I know it's not just a ploy, because, three times in a row now, my wife has won it".

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Your mom is like Communism.

No class and everybody shares her.

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I finally met someone online who shares my fetish for urinating on dried fruit.

Tomorrow we are going on a date.

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A Boy approaches his Dad...

The Boy asks, "Dad, what is sex?"

The Dad ponders for awhile and figures that now is a good time for his 10 year old boy to finally understand the true facts about where babies come from.

He then elaborates on every single detail, from putting penises into vaginas, and even shares about his sex life with the Boy's mother.

The Boy, visually astounded, takes a long pause to absorb all the information.

He then whips out a piece of paper.

"So Dad... Do I circle the M or the F?"

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Japanese Banking Crisis

Worrying news from the Japanese financial markets. Following last week`s disclosure that the Origami Bank had folded, we hear that the Sumo Bank has just gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived, 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and Karaoke Bank is up for sale and going for a song. Analysts also report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal. But Samurai Bank is soldiering on after sharp cutbacks.

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I received a call from a man trying to sell shares in Egyptian property.

Sounded like a pyramid scheme.

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A Liberian man has 1 pie and shares half with his friend, what does he now have?

Ebola, most likely.

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An elderly couple go to a restaurant

One day, an elderly couple walk into a restaurant.

They sit down and order one meal.

When the waiter serves the meal, the woman splits everything in half and shares it with her husband. The meal, the salad, and the drink.

Intrigued by this strange behavior, the guy sitting next to them asks the couple if he can buy them an extra meal.

The woman tells him that there is no need for that. She explains to him that she and her husband took an oath to share everything they have and split things in half whenever they can.

"Fine" says the man. "But why are you not eating your food? Why are you watching your husband eat instead?".

The woman answers him: As I said, we share everything. We only have one Denture.


^^Denture: ^^Set ^^of ^^false ^^teeth.

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A monkey was smoking weed

sitting on a tree. A lizard spots and asks what he's upto. The monkey says he's smoking the **best weed in the world**. The lizard climbs up excitedly and shares the joint with the monkey. After a while the lizard starts feeling thirsty, so the monkey pointed him to the river. The lizard climbs down the tree and goes to the river to get a drink.

Because lizard was high he trips and falls in the river. An alligator spots him and helps him to the shore, and asks what is wrong with him. The lizard, right before passing out, tells the alligator about the monkey and the **best weed in the world**. The alligator decides to check this stuff out and goes where the monkey was. He spots the monkey and shouts, "HEY! MONKEY!"

The monkey's eyes go wide as he spots the alligator, and then he says...."WHAAAAT THE FUCCCKKKK BROOOO! HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK??!!"

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What gets dropped faster than an unruly passenger?

$900 million in market shares.

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I recently bought shares in BOSE

So far it seems to be a sound investment

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A couple goes to a therapist...

after 18 years of marriage.
The wife shares, "I don't think my husband loves me!"
The therapist turns to the husband, "Well, do you love her?"
The husband says, "Of course, I do!"
So the therapist asks him, "Do you tell her that?"
The husband says, "I told her 18 years ago, if anything changes, I'll let her know.."

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This year's presidential election shares the same tagline as the 2004 movie "Alien versus Predator".

"Whoever wins... We lose."

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Earth went around the solar system asking the other planets for a stick of gum.

They all refused, but Earth still got one; Pluto shares its Orbit.

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Geeky guy gets sent to jail...

Geeky little guy gets sent to jail and is banged up with a tough twenty stone lifer.

"Anyone who shares my cell has to play mummies and daddies, who d'ya wanna be?" asked the big man, "Mummy or daddy?"

Terrified the little man splutters out "Er, daddy, I will be daddy"

To which the big guy says, "Then come over here and suck mummy's cock".

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A guy takes a girl back to his parents house to have sex...

The only problem is, he shares a bunk-bed with his younger brother. Reluctantly, they decide to proceed -- but he gives her the code words "lettuce" for faster, and "tomato" for slower.

As the two get into it, the boy hears "lettuce! tomato! lettuce! tomato!" coming from the top bunk. He yells out, "Guys! Stop making sandwiches, the mayo is getting all over me!"

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Sherlock Holmes shares good news with Watson at a pub one night...

"I've gone and found myself a girlfriend!" exclaims Holmes.

"Well, right on!" said Watson. "You must tell me more about her."

"She's on the short side, extremely innocent, and she's a determined, hard-working schoolgirl."

"A schoolgirl, eh? Good to hear she cares about her education. But what kind of school does she go to?"

Sherlock smiles, and his face lights up with pride as he proudly responds:
"Elementary, my dear Watson."

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Costco stock was down today more than $6

Nobody bought their shares in bulk.

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100 Nuns

At a convent, the head priest calls all of the one hundred nuns to a sermon. During the sermon he pauses, and shares some important news.

"Last night," he begins. "There was a condom found on the grounds"

99 nuns say "oh!", and one says "teehee"

"As you can probably guess," the pastor continues. "There was semen found in the condom"

99 nuns say "oh!", and one says "teehee"

The pastor goes on, despite the crowd. "However, there was a tear in the tip of the condom"

99 nuns say "teehee", and one says "oh"

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My fellow investors mocked me for buying shares in Nitrous Oxide.

It's the laughing stock.

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After smoking on a fat blunt with his neighbor, a man walks back to his apartment he shares with his girlfriend and realizes he forgets his key. Eyes red and clothes smelling like weed, he knocks on the door and his girlfriend answers...

She looks at him and with disgust says "high again?"

He looks at her intently and replies back saying "hello"

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How to be depressed

Step 1. Go to 1973 and sell 10% shares of apple for $800

Step 2. Realise those 10% is worth $43 billion nowadays.

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A girl brings a guy back home, forgetting that she shares a bunk bed with her young brother...

They're both so horny that they can't not-sleep with each other, despite the child on the bunk below them.

While caught in this dilemma, he decides to set up a code system so that the brother doesn't realize what's up:

"Alright, if you want me to go harder, say lettuce; if you want me to go softer, say tomato"

The lady agrees, and the night commences and once she has finished with her final gasped 'tomato', they both sleep until the morning after.

Next morning the guy sneaks out of the house, while the girl goes to breakfast.

During breakfast, the boy speaks out:

"Can you please not make sandwiches in bed anymore?"

"Huh?!"

"Last night; you were making sandwiches; remember? At least be a bit less messy if you have to do it again, you spilt mayonnaise on my face yesterday"

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A country that shares borderlines with 10 other countries cannot be entered

because it is made of limits

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Did you hear the CEO of Twitter got in trouble for buying shares of rival companies?

I guess it was a conflict of Pinterest.

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My mother is like cloud storage.

Everyone shares her and i have no idea where she's located.

Ps: I don't know if i phrased everything correctly.

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TIL the Airbus A380, the world's largest passenger airliner, shares a type rating with yo momma!

Clearly we need more nerdy yo momma jokes.

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The Outlast Whistleblower DLC actually shares the same plot as WW2

Turn off the gas chamber

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What baked treat shares its name with a gynaecological apparatus?

Flapjacks.

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What are the most funny Shares jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Shares? Well, here are the best Shares dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Shares pick up lines to share with friends.

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