shared Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious shared puns

The name's Bond.

Ionic bond. Taken, not shared.


Two women in a shared cell were in the prison for 15yrs. When they were freed...

...they spent another 2hrs talking outside.


I asked my friend about his time in prison.

"I have mixed feelings. On one hand I was surrounded by the worst society had to offer. I shared cells with thieves, murderers, and rapists. On the other hand the prison library was filled with the best collection of literature that I've ever seen. I don't know. It has its prose and cons."


My friend and I opened a shared bank account for buying weed.

It'll be our joint account.


A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer shared a hotel room

Midnight, the waste basket caught on fire. The mathematician woke up first, looked at the fire and the water bottle next to it. He then wrote on a piece of paper "between the fire and the bottle, a solution exists", signed, and went back to sleep.

The physicist wake up second, saw the fire and the mathematician's paper, then went to the basket and measure the paper in the basket and the water in the bottle, then went back and wrote "half the bottle is sufficient", signed, and went back to sleep.

The engineer woke up last, saw the fire and the paper, processed to dump the whole bottle into the fire, and went back to sleep without signing anything.


What's the difference between a refrigerator and a drug addict?

A refrigerator starts in a box and moves into a house.

(This is not mine, but I don't know the source. Either way, I thought it should be shared.)


What do you call a condom that is shared by several people?

A condominium.


The unlucky boy.

I was walking along a high cliff one day and saw a little boy all alone and crying. I asked him, "Son, what are you doing up here all by yourself," to which he replied with tears in his eyes, "My mother is down there at the bottom, she fell."

"Thats terrible," I replied, "What about your father," I continued. The little boy, almost completely breaking down, to this inquiry responded, "He is down there right next to her, he tried to save her and he fell too." We then shared a quiet moment together, looking out at the sky over the lake.

It was then suddenly the young chap asked me why I was unbuckling my belt. "Son, today just isn't your day."


This Vietnamese couple I knew got married...

Luckily for them they shared the same last name so it wasn't a big hassle for either of them. It was a Nguyแป…n-Nguyแป…n situation.


Lately I've noticed a strange fascination shared by everybody that comes over to my house. They can't seem to get enough of this one Stephen King book I have on my shelf.

I guess it's true what they say; company loves Misery.


Fred drank a lot and his wife said "If you ever come home drunk again, I'm gonna leave you"...

Inevitably, he went out to a pub, drank too much and threw-up all over himself. He turned to his friend and shared his dilemma "If I go home in this state my wife will leave me". His friend replied "I tell you what, go home and tell her somebody threw-up over you and gave you twenty-pounds. Show it to her and say he gave you this for the dry-cleaning bill". Fred goes home and his wife starts shouting at him. Quickly, he says "No, no, no, somebody threw-up over me, gave me twenty-pounds for the dry-cleaning bill", She looks at him and asks "Why have you got two twenty-pound notes in your hand, then?", Fred, smiling says "Oh the other is from the man who shat in my underpants".


Sandwich making

Two brothers shared a bedroom, bunk beds. The older brother had the top bunk. He wanted to bring his girlfriend over to spend the night. He tells his girlfriend if she wants it faster say lettuce, harder say tomato.

The younger brother wakes up hearing, "lettuce, tomato, lettuce, lettuce, tomato." He yells up to his older brother and says, "I know you guys are making sandwiches up there but can you stop dropping the mayo!"


After years of my mom telling me to bond with my stepdad...

We finally bonded over a shared annoyance of her forcing us to do bonding activities.

I guess you could call it ironic bonding.


An Irishman, a Scot and an Englishman walk into a pub...

They each enjoyed a pint and shared some laughs. It was a great night.


Two communist are sitting in a bar...

The first one turns to the second and says "In communism everything is shared and equal. It's great! Like if you had two houses you would give one to me, right? " The second one thought about it for a second and said "yes, of coarse." The first man then says "if you had two cars would give me one?" The second guy says "yeah, sure." The first guy then says "what if you had two chickens would give me one?" The second communist immediately says "No." The first communist gets very confused and upset. "But you said you would give me a house! You said you would give me a car! But you wouldn't give me goddamn chicken!?" The Second just looks at him and says "well you see, I own two chickens."


2 mummies shared a fart

They had a toot in common



The day in 1621 when Native Americans shared a meal with undocumented immigrants who never left.


Does anybody want to hang out and form a bond over our shared interests?

I'm asking for a friend.


I feel sorry for Neymar's ancestors after today's loss

They must be rolling in their graves.

Not mine but felt it had to be shared.


When I first met my boyfriend, he told me he shared something in common with the KKK...

He was right, that man is a wizard under the sheets.


Did you hear about the time Hitler and Stalin shared an apartment?

It turns out that their landlord was the lessor to two evils.


I shared my bed with a close friend the other night.

Hopefully she brings it back soon.


Little Johnny's dad

Little Johnny's teacher asks every kid in the class to share what their dads to for a living.

"My dad's a fireman."

"My dad's a policeman."

Soon, all the kids except little Johnny had shared. The teacher asks:

"Little Johnny, what does your father do?"

"Nothing, he's dead."

"Well, I'm sorry to hear that. What did he do before he died?"

"He shit his pants and turned blue."


Cow jokes that had to be shared

-Why is there a high gang rate amongst cows? They've all got beef.
-Why was the cow a terrible sharpshooter? All he did was graze.
-How can you tell if there are cows hiding near by? You can hear them uttering to each other.
.....thank you


A joke my grandpa just shared: so I asked the guy who roofed my house, Hows the roofing business?

Guy replied, we're on top of it


Your Mother is like Communism...

Shared by everyone.


Whats the most obvious feature shared by a leprechaun and a sober Irishman?

Neither exist.


Why is 18 year old Scotch better than a 18 year old girl?

An 18 y.o. Scotch is less expensive, and you don't have to remember it's birthday. An 18 y.o.Scotch does not care if you try another Scotch. An 18 y.o. Scotch is mature, well mannered and good alone or shared. An 18 y.o. Scotch won't make you look like a child molester. And most impotantly, a 18 y.o. Scotch doesn't try to talk to you.


My wife finished breastfeeding our son so I threw out her old breast pump

I'll miss that thing. We shared some good mammaries together.


a really bad joke i made up and thought it should be shared with everyone. do dogs communicate?

A. by pee-mail


The name in Bond... Ionic Bond!

I prefer my electrons taken, not shared!


The name's Bond.

Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.


German 1970's joke

What's the difference between the east-german and the west-german accent? While the former is shared by most, the latter is richer.


A son asks his dad.

A son asks his dad.

Son: Dad, Can I flirt with neighbour on the right ?

Dad: No, that's your sister.

Son: Then how about the neighbour on the left ?

Dad: No, that's also your sister.

Disappointed son goes to his mother for fact check.

Son: Can I flirt with left, and right neighbour ?

Mom: Sure, why not.

Son: But dad said they're my sisters.

Mom: Okay, but you're not your dad's son.

[shared to me by a friend]


The name's Bond

Covalent bond. Shared, not taken.


What are the most funny Shared jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Shared? Well, here are the best Shared dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Shared pick up lines to share with friends.

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