Share Jokes
160 share jokes and hilarious share puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about share that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Need a laugh? Share jokes with your family and friends! This article explores different kinds of jokes you can share, including ITC shares, time shares, WhatsApp shares, portion jokes, shellfish jokes, and corny jokes. Get the latest on the funniest jokes around, and make everyone smile!
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Funniest Share Short Jokes
Short share jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The share humour may include short spread jokes also.
- Reddit should rename 'share' to 'spreddit', 'delete' to 'shreddit' and 'karma' to 'creddit'. Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.
- The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn't share the flatbread recipe Just their standard naan disclosure agreement.
- What's better than enchiladas? n+1 chiladas.
(sharing this joke I came up with tonight while making enchiladas, because my family didn't find it funny). - What do kermit the Frog and Henry the Eighth have in common? They share the same middle name.
- What do you call a belt made out of lobsters? A waist of good seafood
I know it's bad but I heard it in a dream and had to share - what do you call a security guard at a Samsung store "A guardian of the galaxys"
my 11yo told me this one yesterday, and i thought it needed to be shared with the world 🤣 - For my cake day, I'd like to share my favorite joke of all time. Three guys were walking down the street.
Two of them walked into a bar.
The third guy ducked. - Walter White decided to buy a pizza for his son Walter: Hey son I bought you a pizza so you can share it with your friends.
Flynn: Thanks dad, how much do I owe you?
Walter: It's on the house. - Two women in a shared cell were in the prison for 15yrs. When they were freed... ...they spent another 2hrs talking outside.
- What do pigs use when they get hurt? Oink-ment
(My 7 year old made this up and wanted me to share!)
Share These Share Jokes With Friends
Share One Liners
Which share one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with share? I can suggest the ones about sharing is caring and pair.
- I was feeling lonely, so I bought some shares. It's nice to have some company.
- What do you call 2 monkeys that share an amazon account? Prime mates.
- The name's Bond. Ionic bond. Taken, not shared.
- I had a really good cheese joke to share with you guys... But now I Camembert it.
- What do you say when a German shares a meme with you? Danke.
- I bought 75% of shares in a vampire hunting business. I'm the main stakeholder.
- Ya know what the difference between broccoli and boogers is? I don't eat broccoli.
- How do Frenchmen share files? Pierre to Pierre.
- I have a joke about capitalism But I won't share it with you.
- I wrote a poem about communism for my English class I had to share it with everyone
- My friend ask me for my thoughts on Communism I told him, "I will not share."
- Never share a secret with a clock. Time will tell.
- Hedgehogs Why can't they just share the hedge.
- Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account? They were prime mates.
- I bought a bunch of shares of Old McDonald's farm. I'm now the
#C-I-E-I-O
Time Share Jokes
Here is a list of funny time share jokes and even better time share puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My friend from Cairo keeps trying to sell me his time share property... ... I think it might be a Pyramid Scheme.
- Did you hear the joke about pyramid schemes? Share this joke 10 times to find out how!
- I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it. You guys didn't get it.
- Person 1: Ask me if I am a tree. Person 2: Are you a tree?
Person 1: No
My favorite joke of all time (Russian I think?), but thought I would share it for my first cake day. - How do you know when it's time to get a new dishwasher? When the old one expects you to "do your share"
- Do you remember the black kid from The Jetsons? Boss: Do you remember the black kid from The Jetsons?
Me: No?
Boss: Isn't the future great! - What can you share and keep at the same time? An STD.
- A long time ago, I thought of a soda joke. I'd share it with you, but I'm afraid I think it'd fall flat.
- What did the frog say about the opera? "It was ribbitting."
Thanks for your time. I know. This one made everyone I know groan, and I wanted to share. - What did a run on sentence and a used pencil share at the same time? A very dull point
Share Birthday Jokes
Here is a list of funny share birthday jokes and even better share birthday puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My friend's birthday My friend ordered a cake with his own portrait as icing for his birthday and then ate it all without sharing with anyone
I guess he's so full of himself
Market Share Jokes
Here is a list of funny market share jokes and even better market share puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What gets dropped faster than an unruly passenger? $900 million in market shares.
- Why is lipstick losing market share in the makeup industry? Because we live in a mask era.
- A man buys shares from the stock market. But he never shared any of it.
Hilarious Share Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
What funny jokes about share you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean split jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make share pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What thought can you easily share with someone else without using words?
That you **had** to f**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do you always invite at least two mormons to go out fishing with you?
If you invite only one, you'll have to share your beer.
So Adam is sitting in the Garden of Eden...
... and he says, "God, I see that all of the other animals that you have created in this truly perfect world have a companion, a partner, someone to be with, share life with, and to love. Why is it that I am alone?" God pauses for a moment, and says "You know Adam, I'll work on that. Be patient, my son, I shall return to you in a week's time."
God labors for a week as only a being of such incredible omnipotence can labor, and after much exhausting work, he returns to Adam after a week has passed and reveals to him his creation.
Adam is speechless. After much gaping, he finally finds the words to say "God, she is beautiful, she is truly your most perfect creation. I must ask though, what will this cost me, for surely this cannot be free."
God says soberly "My son. I confess, to have a being of such beauty and grace, you must give me an arm and a leg. I can accept no other payment."
Adam weighs this for a moment, and then says, "How much can I get for a rib?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Christmas c**... joke
A bottle of lemonade fell on a barmans head. Why wasn't he hurt? It was a soft drink.
My friend said this. Not sure if it was original or not but i have to share it.
"Whenever someone calls shot gun I call Rosa Parks and sit in shotgun anyway."
Thought I'd share a favorite on my cake day
Gandhi used to walk barefoot on most days, neglecting modern footwear, and eventually grew a strong set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather weak and with his odd diet, suffered from very, very bad breath. To others he smelled atrocious, this super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why a fourth time?
A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a f**... director.' After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a f**... director. The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse careers. With a smile on her face she explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'
Two secrets everyone needs to know for a successful life:
1. Never share everything you know.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A conversation between friends.
White kid: My dad's well hung.
Black kid: Mine was hung too.
Chinese kid: Hey! My dad's Hung too!!
This is a below average joke attempt. I know, hanged vs hung. Still I thought I'd share.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Funniest joke of all time...according to Wikipedia...thought I share.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"[
Did you hear about the albino clairvoyant master hypnotist from San Francisco?
He was a super pallid Cali mystic, expert at hypnosis.
(Today I had wanted to tell someone the Gandhi joke I read on here the other day, but I couldn't remember it so I made this up and thought I may as well share it even though it's purely derivative.)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are even the best forensic teams unable to catch h**... criminals?
Because they all share the same DNA and there are no dental records.
Smith & Wesson Joke
A customer came in to where I work told me this one. Thought I'd share:
Have you heard Smith & Wesson is making a pair of revolvers to commemorate the government shutdown? They will be called The Congressman and The Senator respectively. They don't actually do anything and you can't fire them.
Took a Cab Home
With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with all of you about drinking and driving.
As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several drinks of Scotch followed by some rather nice red wine... a dry Chianti I think it was. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something that I've never done before, I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I'm not sure what to do with it.
All the single ladles
Joe invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the course of said dinner his mother couldn't help but notice the staggering beauty of Joe's roommate. She had been long suspicious of a relationship between them, and her beauty combined with the banter she had seen them share only made her all the more curious.
Joe noticed his mother's suspicion. "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you that Julie and I are just roommates."
A week later, Julie came to Joe and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't seem to find the gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it on accident, do you?"
Joe agreed that it was a reasonable possibility, and wrote a letter to his mother inquiring about the ladle. It read, "I'm not saying you 'did' take the ladle, nor am I saying you 'did not' take the ladle,' but the fact is it's been missing since you came to dinner last week."
Several weeks later, a reply came.
"I'm not saying you 'do' sleep with Julie, nor am I saying you 'do not' sleep with Julie. The fact is if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the ladle by now."
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little girl says to her mother "mommy, I hate daddy's guts!"
Her mother replies "shut up and keep eating."
Sorry if this has been posted already, a teacher of mine told my class this and i had to share!
How does a pregnant mermaid give birth?
"Sea-section"
Sorry, I thought of that last night and just had to share my genius with the world.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked an Asian girl for her number
She said, "s**...! s**...! s**...! Free s**... tonight!"
I said, "Wow.."
Her friend said, "She meant 6663629".
Found this joke on Facebook, so I thought I'd share with you guys :)
I overheard some guy tell his sweet, old grandmother a joke about click-bait at her deathbed. What happened to her as a result will change your life forever!
Nothing. Absolutely nothing happened.
Stop clicking on click-bait!
(note/edit/whatever: I know this joke is a big gamble in terms of possible downvotes, but I just made it up and thought it was too good to not share with at least 1 person that might like it. Happy belated Halloween. I guess I chose trick.).
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call Dracula's r**... cousin?
Countdown
This was a joke I heard on TV some time ago ... Thought it was worth a share.
The only day of the year that gives an order
March 4th
Sorry this was one of my dear departed mother's favorite annual jokes. Just had to share the love!
Greatest situational joke I've ever told...
A girl I know was talking about how her white mum was an Indian chef, which my other friend couldn't quite grasp and said "How can your mum be an Indian chef if she's not Indian?"
I replied "You can be a pizza chef and not be a pizza".
Had a couple people in tears saying that so I thought I'd share it, might have been a 'you-had-to-be-there' moment.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
5 advices to men for a happy life
1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,
2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,
3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,
4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,
5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.
A boy goes up to a girl and says "hey baby what's up"...
She says "I have a boyfriend", he says "I have a math test".
The girl says "What's that got to do with anything?", he replies "I thought we were just naming things we are going to cheat on."
Newspaper ad - RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
I would share a joke that my friend in prison sent me in a letter...
But I don't like to quote out of con text.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a t**...'s girlfriend?
A Guantanamo Bae
Thought of this one earlier and just had to share
Old couple goes to a fast food restorant.
They order one burger and fries, sit down and divide the burger and fries. A man from table next to them sees that and asks politely: "If you want, I can buy some extra food for you." "No thanks, we are a old couple, we share everything." Time goes by and the man is eating, but the woman is not. From the table next to them, the man asks again:"I really have no problem buying you food." Man replies:"Dodnt worry about it, she will eat! We share everything" But the stranger is not happy with that and asks the woman:"Why are you not eating?" Woman looks at him and says:"I am waiting for the teeth."
Irish Jokes Megathread
Post all of your Irish, St. Patrick's Day, or good ol' Emerald Isle jokes for the day here! I'd like to share some with coworkers.
Bob Ross and Mr. Rogers fight for nicest person ever. Who wins?
They both share the trophy
A lawyer sneered at a witness on the stand...
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background."
The witness replied, "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a cop, and a politician.
The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death.
The politician then tells the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious.
The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says "I just saved your life, your freedom, and tripled your share of the loot. I think 20% is a fair cut."
What do lawyers wear to court?
Lawsuits! 😂
Courtesy of the popsicle I just enjoyed. Had to share. Have a great day.
Why does Missouri share borders with the most amount of States?
Because Missouri loves company
I bought my son a trampoline
But all he wanted to do was sit and cry in his wheelchair
- This was a repost but I thought it was too funny not to share
Four nuns about to take their vows..
Four novice nuns were about to take their vows.
Dressed in their white gowns, they entered the chapel for their symbolic marriage to Jesus, making them "Brides of Christ."
Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews came in and sat in the front row.
The Mother Superior said, "I am so honored you want to share this experience with us. May I ask why you came?"
"We're from the groom's family."
So my wife said to me, "I swear, it's like all men share one brain"
I wanted to think of a clever comeback, but it wasn't my turn to use the brain
If I ever win the lottery, I'm going to share it with everyone.
Not the money, just going to let you know that I've won.
What is one thing that both Australians & Americans share the same view on?
1961
Why wouldn't the lobster share his toys?
Because he was... shellfish.
hahahaha
I'm pretty sure someone stole the last paragraph of my essay, and hid it on a really high shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
Not original, and not sure if it's been posted before, but it made me chuckle and thought I'd share.
My girlfriend and I share a bookmark.
It's good that we're both on the same page.
What do you call a pig mixed with a centipede?
Bacon and scrambled legs.
Courtesy of my 6 year old daughter. She said she made it up and I can't verify that but it cracked us up so I thought I'd share.
I like my passwords like my girlfriends:
change them every 6 months, never share them and make sure my wife doesn't know any of them
Where does a cowboy go to find love?
On Yee-Harmony.
(C) I tell jokes at work & honestly made this one up, I'm pretty stoked, please share if you liked it!)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Turns out my coworker and I share the same f**...
i quickly realized though we got off on the wrong foot
Think New Yorkers don't get along? I just saw two complete strangers share a cab...
One took the wheels and tires, the other took the battery and the radio.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Anyone know where I can find someone to share a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of s**... or family relations?
Asking for a friend.
The President of Brazil, France and United States share a flight around the world
The United state president puts his hands out of the windows and says:
"We are in the US! I just touched the Statue of Liberty"
Some time passes, the French president puts his hands out and says out loud:
"Now we are in France. I just touched the Eiffel tower".
After a while the Brazilian president also puts his hands out of the Airplane and says:
"Yes, we finally are in Brazil. I just had my watch stolen"
I've often wondered what my personal life would be lacking if I'd keep training and become a champion marksman…
…but I realised I wouldn't miss much
(Thought on this driving and wanted to share)
My son told me a joke and I thought I would share it with you all!
My mom said I couldn't get a frozen yogurt. She said do you think I'm made of money?
Then I said, isn't that what mom stands for?
One out of 3 people is addicted to drugs.
Look at the person on your left. Now look at the person on your right. Chances are one of them has some drugs to share with you.
What's an owl's favourite drink?
Hoot beer!
Sorry, I made this joke up when I was 5 and just wanted to share :P
My teacher told a joke today in class, and I thought I would share it here
He said, "When brain transplants are possible, I would get a brain of a racist. You know why? Because they have never been used before".
An elderly couple goes to Burger King, where they carefully split a burger and fries. A trucker takes pity on them and offers to buy the wife her own meal.''It's all right,'' says the husband. ''We share everything.''
A few minutes later, the trucker notices that the wife hasn't taken a bite. ''I really wouldn't mind buying your wife her own meal,'' he insists.''She'll eat,'' the husband assures him. ''We share everything.''Unconvinced, the trucker implores the wife, ''Why aren't you eating?''The wife snaps, ''Because I'm waiting for the teeth!''
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do Japanese people say when someone takes their p**...?
"Those aren't ja-panese!"
My 11 year old just said she made this up. I had to share.
My family's surname is depressant, we all share a bleak outlook on life.
Except for my auntie.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you get when you poke at a bottle of water?
Tap water
I'm so sorry for how s**... this is, but I felt like I had to share this with someone after I thought of it.
My 5yo son just told me this joke and it made me chuckle so thought I'd share... "Mom, if I had twenty apples in this hand (shakes left hand) and twenty apples in this hand (shakes right hand), what would I have?..."
"Massive hands!"
What's the difference between girl spaghetti and boy spaghetti?
Meatballs.
My 10 year old daughter just told me this and I had to share.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A penguin goes into a pub...
At the bar the peanuts say:
"Nice tie Mr!"
In the toilets the c**... machine says :
"You look s**... in that tie"
So he complains to the barman. The barman says :
"the peanuts are complimentary but the c**... machine is out of order"
This was the best joke of my birthday cards this morning, so thither I would share.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Does anyone know of any forums for fellow ax murderers?
We can share LifeHacks ...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A big m**... and a little m**... were standing on a bridge, the big m**... fell off
The other was a little more on.
(Sorry if this is a repost, I just remembered my dad telling it forever ago and thought I'd share because it made me chuckle)
Heard this joke at school. Thought I might share it with y'all
There is a lady called Mary who has 3 children: Violet, Rose and Brick.
So Violet goes to her and asks: Mom, why am I called Violet?
And Mary responds: Because when you were born, a violet fell on your head
Then Rose comes and asks: Mom, why am I called Rose?
And Mary responds: Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head
Then Brick goes and asks: CjfbjabMandmabwlbdkabNbskdbslonvibcdhovtcbxtblvocbjfshkvgdvynv?
Some students notice an elderly couple in the McDonald's with only one meal on the table...
"Excuse me," says one of the students, "I noticed that you only have one meal between you. If you'd like we could get another for you, it's no trouble."
"That's very kind of you," replies the elderly woman, "but you see, in our marriage my husband and I share everything. This is enough food for both of us."
A few minutes later, the students again notice that the only elderly man is eating while his wife sits in still silence.
"Perhaps we could get that meal for you after all?" another student asks sheepishly. To which the woman replies:
"Oh no, it's fine. I'm waiting for my turn with the dentures."
What does the moon do when it needs a haircut?
Eclipse it.
Guys, did you know that I have a shetland pony who can sing?! I was going to record and share a video the other day but...
...he was a little hoarse.
A couple of shrimp were at the bar next to me, eating a bowl of fries. I went to ask if I could have one, but the bartender stopped me. "Don't bother," he said, "they won't share.
They're two shellfish."
My dad told me this one so i thought i might share
In a zen monastery far inside China, a conflicted discipule has his mind shrouded by a doubt that he's sure his master, Zhi, knows the answer.
He finds him, and asks:
– "Master Zhi, why does everybody say that we, chinese people, all look alike?"
He pauses for a second, looks at the pupil's eyes and answers:
– "I'm not Master Zhi"
My neighbour and I became really close friends, so we decided to share our water supply.
We got a long well.
I really wanted to share a link to Weird Al's 1984 Michael Jackson parody today but I realized
That I can't have my Cake Day and Eat It, too.
