Shape Jokes

I've been to a mate's f**... today; he drowned last week...

I got a lot of a**... for my floral tribute in the shape of a life belt.
They said it was in bad taste but I think it's what he would have wanted.

A great cardiologist is being buried.

All of his colleagues and fellow surgeons are reunited to mourn his. All except for one man who is laughing. The cardiologist's coffin was in the shape of a heart to honor his career. The man continues to laugh. Finally they ask him why he is so happy at a f**... and he responds "I was picturing my f**... because I'm a gynecologist".

Yesterday at yoga

Yesterday at yoga, the instructor told us to make a flower shape by putting our hands together. She kept saying to take deep breaths and focus on our flowers. Towards the end of the exercise she told us to smell our flowers and just say out loud what our flowers smelt like. I don't think she appreciated it when I said Vaseline and shame.

Why was Jesus in such good shape when he died?

He was Cross-Fit.

What do you call a missing shape?

A polygone!

How do you get your hair into shape?

You condition it

What did the cow say when she saw the Dalmatian?

Dam... I got to get in shape!

I knew someone who died in a skydiving accident.

Their f**... wreath was in the shape of a parachute.
After all, that's what they would've wanted.

What's gray, disappointing, and in the shape of an oval?

When I said I wanted an origami book...

I didn't mean a regular book in the shape of a butterfly.

My friend Dave drowned yesterday

his f**... is on Wednesday. I've made him a wreath in the shape of a buoyancy aid. It's what he would have wanted.

Where does the 3D shape go when it murders someone?

Prism

An artist found a way to draw a two-sided figure, but the International Geometry Summit immediately began to furiously contest the new shape...

I say, let bi-gons be bi-gons

What do you call a six sided shape that's missing?

A hex-a-gone

I have great muscle memory

I totally remember when I was in shape.

Most Intelligent But Funniest

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.

Dave drowned

So at the f**... we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. It's what he would have wanted.
(Gary Delaney)

My statistics professor is certain he will get in shape this year.

He's doing confidence intervals.

I don't understand how a priest can be out of shape...

They're always exorcising.

I`m not getting any younger so.....

I decided to get in shape by going to the local gym. I said to the trainer "Which machine should I use for best results in attracting women." He said "There`s one outside never fails, it`s called an ATM."

What do you call a group of out of shape h**... running a 5k?

Pantyhoes

To get in shape, I need to pick up a sport as a hobby...

I was thinking about competitive eating.

Just got back from a friends f**... who drowned last week.

I got a lot of a**... from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"

I am in grape shape...

That is not a typo...I'm round.

I take pride in the fact that in this day and age, I manage to keep myself in shape...

... Round is a shape, isn't it?

A shapeshifter walks down a street

when suddenly he turns into a lane.

What do you call a gay shape?

A trapezoid

You're the only reason I get out of bed in the morning. I only go to work and become a better person because of you. You make me workout on weekends and get in shape. And I try to turn you on every night.

I love you, alarm clock.

I really like seeing #MeToo on social media

It tells guys like me to either shape up or just go ahead and run for President.

You know how geese always fly in a V shape, and one side of the V is always longer than the other? Ever wonder why that is?

It's because there's more geese on that side.

Six months ago, my wife asked me to get in shape.

Since then, I have been eating everything in sight. Today I am proud to say that I am a circle!

A thought about Del Toro's The Shape of Water

The Shape of Water is a story about a woman who falls in love with an otherworldly creature that learns how to communicate, has a funny scene where he interacts with a domestic setting and has magical healing hands. He is also returned to his natural environment, almost dying on the way by a plucky protagonist dodging authority.
However, the protagonist also has a love scene with him.
You could say that this is *BestialE.T.*

What kind of shape can cure a curse?

A Hexagon

I visited the Pentagon yesterday.

I felt like I was in the best shape of my life.

I found a green vegetable in the shape of a clock. But I won't eat it.

Not for the time bean

The Shape of Water?

More like Grinding Nemo, amirite?

I bought a Jell-O mold in the shape of a handgun

The first time I used it the Jell-O came out and it looked perfect. Immediately the cops busted down my door and arrested me. I was charged with possession of a congealed weapon.

I saw the bartender pull a beer from a lever in the shape of a helix.

I asked him what beer that was and he said, "This is Spiral Tap."

What did Ed Sheeran say when he finished Despicable Me for the 3rd time?

I'm in love with the shape of Gru

I'm so out of shape

I can't even jog my memory!

I built the most American guitar ever

Made completely out of mirror polished, stainless steel from the World Trade Center in the shape of a bald eagle carrying a rifle.
Only has one octave, but I enjoy playing it, from C to shining C.

How does Thanos keep in shape?

With a balanced diet.

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring

The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it every day.
I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.
It was a sham rock.

Little Johnny, The UPS Guy, And Johnny's Mom

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and r**..., and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

Being a writer keeps me in great physical shape

I'm always running out of ideas.

I just got home from a close friends f**..., he drowned last week......!

I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket. But as I told everyone, "It's what he would have wanted".

Roger decided he was in no shape to drive as he walked out of the bar

So he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman.
'What are you doing out here at three o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.
'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time of night?' enquired the constable sarcastically.
'My wife,' slurred Roger grimly.

My friend Dave drowned.

At his f**... we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebuoy. It's what he would've wanted.

I have an L shaped couch...

lowercase.

Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.

When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.

Walking home drunk

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.

I wish to go back to the time I had s**... with a Rectangle...

...it was the best shape I'd ever been in.

We should not in any way, shape, or form make fun of female's time of the month

Period.

I have only two new years resolutions: To get back into the shape I was before the accident...

....and to stop referring to the fact that I eat too much junkfood, 'the accident'

I got frustrated when my friend couldn't draw a 2 sided closed shape.

But then I decided to let bi-gons be bygones.

I'm so out of shape there's no way I can out run a d**....

So I really need to start exorcising.

What does Bigfoot do to keep his glutes in shape?

Sasquats

An American pilot is flying over the Australian outback.

He suddenly loses control of the plane and crashes. The next thing he knows he wakes up in a hospital. He figures he's in pretty bad shape but he wants to know for sure so when he sees a nurse he stops her.

"Did I come here to die?"

"No," the Australian replied. "You came here yesterday."

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.

The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.
The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.
The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.

I wanted to get in shape so I thought I'd try a British gym...

I gained 5 kilos and lost 70 pounds

I really don't understand how Karen's aren't in better shape...

They're always stretching the truth and jumping to conclusions

An exercise for people who are not in good shape.

Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to 10-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

An archeologist was doing his job one day...

...when he uncovered an ancient-looking stone carving in the shape of the Arabic letter D . When his site manager saw this, he told the archeologist to put it back where he found it and to never dig up something like that again. The archeologist asked the site manager why.
He replied, I like the way you're working, but no dig a D.
I regret posting this already.