Shaking Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

George W. Bush is sitting with his aides...

and he is getting debriefed on the world news of the day. The news is rather mundane and unexciting, but one of his aides states that 3 Brazilian people perished in a plane crash early this morning.

Dubya's reaction is pure shock and grief, he's shaking and can't control his emotions.

Tearfully looking over to the man who broke the news, he asks him, "How many is a Brazilian?"

There's so much nudity on TV these days, it makes me so angry.

I just sit there, shaking my fist.

i hate when homeless people shaking their cup of coins at me

like yeah i know you have more money than me but you don't need to rub it in

I was walking around the city when i saw a man in a turban shaking his carpet on his balcony.

I shouted at him: "What's wrong, it isn't starting?"

Two good friends go golfing

Two good friends go golfing and they come up on two women who are moving like molasses. One guy says that he'll go up and ask if they can play through. When he's half way to the women, he freezes, turns around and comes back pretty pale.
"Sorry man, I can't do it! One's my wife and the other my mistress!"

The other guy says he'll ask instead. Halfway to the women he suddenly stops turns around and comes back shaking his head. "Small world bro!"

The first time I asked a woman to sleep with me my hands were shaking and I was sweating uncontrollably

I'd never pointed a gun at anyone before

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?

A. Why are you shaking? She's going to eat me!

I just saw an Indian guy shaking a piece of carpet outside his door.

I said, "Whats up, Won't it start?"

Hands shaking, voice trembling, I faintly rasped, "Mom, I'm in the hospital, but don't worry, I'm fine."

After a silence that seemed to go on forever, she replied, "You have to stop this. You've been a doctor for 3 years now."

I saw a homeless man aggressively shaking a cup of coins at me this morning

I get it. You have more money than me. No need to rub it in

A German, Italian, And Irishman are sitting at a bar...

when 3 flies fly into the room and into the 3 drinks.

The German puts down the drink, and says "i cant drink this!'

the Italian takes out the fly, and says "that's good enough for me" and continues drinking.

The Irishman starts vigorously shaking the fly, and yells "SPIT IT ALL OUT!!"

An old woman walks into a sex shop

An old woman walks into a sex shop, shaking. "Sir", she asks in a shaky voice,"do you sell vibrators?" "Yes,ma'am." "And are they this big around and this long?" she asks in a shaky voice. "Yes,ma'am." "And they're $22.95?" she asks in a shaky voice. "Yes,ma'am." "How do you turn them off?"

TIL: Due to the placebo effect, if you tilt your head back, close your eyes, and pretend as if you're shaking a salt-shaker into your mouth, your brain will cause you to actually taste salt

This homeless man was shaking his cup at me with some change in it.

Yeah i get it, you have more money than me. Quit it.

I got into a car accident with a midget...

He got out of his car, angrily shaking his fist and yelled, "I'm NOT happy!"

"Well," I replied, "which one are you?"

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

"I don't know why you're shaking, I'm the one about to be eaten!"

A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident...

A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident at an intersection. They get out of their cars and find that neither is hurt, which is surprising because it was a horrible accident. The cars are a mangled mess.

The priest says to the rabbi, "Thank the lord that we are both uninjured! That was *terrifying.* I still can't stop shaking. I was so frightened!"



The rabbi says, "Friend, I feel the same way. I saw my life flash before my eyes, but those airbags saved us. Look, I had this bottle of Manischevits wine on the seat next to me and it didn't even break! Here, let's have a drink to calm our nerves. " as he hands the bottle to the priest

"Yes, and also to celebrate still being alive!" the priest says as he takes a long drink from the bottle.

He hands the bottle back to the rabbi who, instead of drinking, closes the bottle and puts it in his pocket.


"Aren't you going to have a drink?" the priest asks

"Not until after the cops get here. "

Two Women Talking in Heaven

1 Woman: Hi, Wandal

2 Woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?

1 Woman: I froze to death.

2 Woman: How horrible!

1 Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2 Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. Instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1 Woman: So what happened?

2 Woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1 Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer-we'd both still be alive.

I was walking down the street, when I glanced up and saw this arab guy on the balcony furiously shaking a rug..

So I yelled out to him, "what's the matter, Omar? Won't it start?"

Joe goes to church and starts praying hard. The pastor comes up and asks: 'what's wrong?'

Joe says: "I want you to pray for my hearing."

The pastor puts his hands on Joe's ears and starts shaking and praying hard for ten minutes.

Pastor says: "So how's your hearing" ?

Joe says: "I don't know, it's not till next Monday."

The banana asked the vibrator...

The banana asked the Vibrator
"Why are *you* shaking, shes going to *eat* me!"

What do you get when you cast Michael J. Fox as Walter White?

Shaking Bad.

My Son's #1 Concern

When my three-year-old was told 
to pee in a cup at the doctor's office, he unexpectedly got nervous. With 
a shaking voice, he asked, Do I have to drink it?

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan dude

He was standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

I will never forget my grandfather's last words.

Stop shaking the ladder you c*nt

An old woman goes in to a s*x shop, shaking......

An old woman goes in to a sex shop, shaking.

"Sir," she says in a shaky voice, "do you sell vibrators?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"And are they this big around and this long?" she asks in a shaky voice.

"Yes, ma'am."

"And they're $22.95?" she asks in a shaky voice.

"Yes, ma'am."

"How do you turn them off?"

A man goes to the doctor...

... and he says, "Doc, I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I can't stop shaking my hips and singing Tom Jones songs."

To which the doctor replies, "Clearly sir, you have Tom Jones' Disease."

The man asks, "Is this common?"

The doctor answers, "It's not unusual."

Donating Sperm

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
About a week later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman (shaking her head): "Mnph Mnph!"

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a mug of cold beer...

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last mug".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his drink, but the mug of beer is still full. He asks, "Are you going to chug that beer?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the mug of beer over and starts to drink. When he gets about half way down, he feels something shaking. He looks down into the mug, sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the beer back into the mug.

The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".

You can reduce your weight by one simple exercise of shaking your head horizontally.

Do it when you are offered food

Stalin is delivering a speech to the Party

Suddenly someone sneezes.
- Who's just sneezed?
No answer.
- Execute the first row. Who's sneezed, I ask you?
No answer.
- Execute the second row. So who of you has just sneezed?
Finally a shaking man raises and utters feebly:
- It's me, Comrade Stalin.
- Bless you! Now, back to the topic...

I still remember my mother in law's last words before she died.

She said Stop shaking the ladder you idiot!

Donations..

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center. Man: "What are you doing here today?" Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it." Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25." The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. A couple months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center. Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?" Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh, unh."

Sperm Donor!

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. A couple months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: Shaking her head with mouth closed, "Unh unh.

What's the worst part about meeting someone with Parkinson's?

Shaking hands.

3 guys are eating lunch at work

The first guy pulls out a turkey sandwich.
"Dammit, I hate turkey, if i get this tomorrow, I'm going to kill myself."
The second guy pulls out a pastrami sandwich.
"Dammit, I hate pastrami, if i get this tomorrow, I'm going to kill myself."
The third guy pulls out a ham sandwich.
"Dammit, I hate ham, if i get this tomorrow i'm going to kill myself."

So the next day all three men get the same sandwich as the day before, so they kill themselves.

At the funeral, two of the three wives were crying, as they felt responsible because they prepared the lunches.

However, the third guys wife was shaking her head. The other two wives asked "why aren't you crying" to which she replied
"That dumbass makes his own lunch"

An old granny walks into a sex shop

She's shaking badly, and the clerk assumes she has a bad case of Parkinsons.

*"Show me a vibrator"*, she says.

The clerk shows her a 4" unit.

*"Bigger!"*, she demands.

The clerk takes out an 8" unit.

*"Still bigger!"*

Out comes a 12" unit.

*"Show me the biggest one you got!"*

The clerk pulls out a massive 20", three-pronged vibrator with a two-stroke engine.

*"That's the one! Now how do you turn it off?"*

What did banana say to vibrator?

"What you shaking about. It's me who gets eaten."

An old woman went on a walk looking for her husband of 50 years...

As she strolled down the sidewalk outside of the retirement home, so approached a shaking bush. When she peered inside, she saw her husband getting a handjob from old Gurt. Startled, they got up. The woman cried to her husband, "how could you do this to me?" He hung his head in shame. "What makes her so great?! What does SHE have that I don't?"

The old man just smiled, and replied, "Parkinson's."

I saw some nudity on TV last night...

I just sat there shaking my fist. I was furious.

Whenever I shake someone's hand....

I always ask if they're nervous. They usually say no, and then I reply with "Then why are you shaking?"

When I reach home, my 1.5 year old son rushes out to the gate..

..to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrrrmmm brrrrmmm sound. His cute antics always me forget that he is suffering from a rare disease ...It's called Parking son's disease.

"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar, how much money would you have?"

"One dollar." answered little Johnny.

"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.

Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my father"

Bob didn't believe that Fred's dog could talk

So Fred asked his dog, What's on top of a house?

Roof, the dog barked.

Bob wasn't convinced. So Fred asked the dog how sandpaper feels.

Rough.

He still wasn't convinced.

O.K., who was the greatest baseball player of all time? Fred asked the dog.

Ruth.

With that, Bob walked away, shaking his head in disbelief. The dog turned to Fred and asked: Was it Hank Aaron?

Today, my dad complimented me on my parking skills

I'm still shaking

When my three-years-old was told to pee in a cup at the doctor's office, he unexpectedly got nervous.

With a shaking voice he asked, "Do I have to drink it?"

I can still remember my grandpa's last words...

"Hey, stop shaking the ladder!"

I was walking down the road today and saw my Afghani neighbor, Abdul, standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, What's up Abdul, won't it start?

A man rushes to a doctor

Doctor, Doctor. You've got to help me. I just can't stop my hands from shaking.

Do you drink a lot?

Not really. I spill most of it!

Conversation in Heaven.

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.

WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

SYLVIA: I froze to death.

WANDA: How horrible!

SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from
the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy,
and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?

WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself
in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA: So, what happened?

WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running
all over the house looking; from the attic
and all the way down into the basement,
I went through every closet and checked
under all the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,
and finally I became so exhausted that I just
keeled over with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer
---we'd both still be alive.

I still remember what my mother in law said just before she died

"Stop shaking the ladder YOU LITTLE $#%@!"

Three men die in a car crash on Christmas Eve...

When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter is there to greet them.

"Welcome to Heaven!" exclaimed St. Peter, "Since this is Christmas time there is a special rule for getting in - you must have an ordinary object with you that you can interpret to represent Christmas."

The first man thinks for a second, and pulls out his keys, shaking them in front of St. Peter. "They're jingle bells!"

St. Peter lets the man in.

The second man digs through his pockets, finally producing a lighter, flicking in on for St. Peter. "It's a candle!"

St. Peter lets the man in.

The third man had been watching nervously as his friends were let in. He stood there, panicking, not being able to come up with anything. Eventually he excitedly pulls a pair of panties out of his pocket, waving them in front of St. Peter.

"I'm afraid I don't understand the connection." said St. Peter.

"They're Carol's" exclaims the man.

I can't describe how terrified I was to be in the middle of an earthquake...

...I was shaking.

An office manager leaves before lunch every Friday...

Finally the girls realize she never comes back and decide to leave too.
The blonde one goes home to see her boss riding her husband and turns and runs out of the house.
The next Friday, as usual, the boss leaves and says, "I'll be back in a little while".
Again, one of the girls say, "that's it, lets get outta here".
The blonde just sits shaking her head and says, " no way! "
"Why not"?, asks one of the girls.
"Because", says the blonde, " last week I almost got caught!"

What are the funniest shaking jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Shaking? Well, here are the best Shaking puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Shaking pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes