Shakes Jokes
100 shakes jokes and hilarious shakes puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about shakes that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Shakes Short Jokes
Short shakes jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The shakes humour may include short shaking like a jokes also.
- When I meet a girl for the first time I shake hands with my left. I don't want to intimidate her with the competition right away
- An old one. What lies on the bottom of the sea and shakes? A nervous wreck!
I first heard this at xmas 1952 (64 years ago) and it still makes me smile. - i hate when homeless people shaking their cup of coins at me like yeah i know you have more money than me but you don't need to rub it in
- I was walking around the city when i saw a man in a turban shaking his carpet on his balcony. I shouted at him: "What's wrong, it isn't starting?"
- The first time I asked a woman to sleep with me my hands were shaking and I was sweating uncontrollably I'd never pointed a gun at anyone before
- I just saw an Indian guy shaking a piece of carpet outside his door. I said, "Whats up, Won't it start?"
- TIL: Due to the placebo effect, if you tilt your head back, close your eyes, and pretend as if you're shaking a salt-shaker into your mouth, your brain will cause you to actually taste salt
- My personal trainer told me to drink a protein shake everyday at 3 in the morning. But that's whey past my bedtime.
- This homeless man was shaking his cup at me with some change in it. Yeah i get it, you have more money than me. Quit it.
- I was walking down the street, when I glanced up and saw this arab guy on the balcony furiously shaking a rug.. So I yelled out to him, "what's the matter, Omar? Won't it start?"
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Shakes One Liners
Which shakes one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with shakes? I can suggest the ones about leg shaking and head shaking.
- What do you call a bodybuilder having a seizure? A protein shake
- I have a jar full of jars, I call it jar jar, and when I shake it, Jar Jar Clinks
- What do you call a cow with Parkinson's? A milk shake
- What shakes and sits at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck.
- To the genius who invented 1ply toilet paper.... I wanna shake your hand.
- Me : Shaking a magic 8 ball.. "Will my vision ever get better??"
Coconut : - What instructions are not needed on Parkinson's Medicine? Shake well before use.
- I'm part of a club for people with parkinson's We have our own hand shake
- What do you get when you cast Michael J. Fox as Walter White? Shaking Bad.
- What do you get when you put your hand in a blender? A hand shake.
- The Etch a Sketch company was struggling But they hired me to shake things up
- The ATM has the shakes... And other withdrawal symptoms too.
- What's the worst part about meeting someone with Parkinson's? Shaking hands.
- I went to shake the old man's hand But Parkinson's beat me to it
- How do you start an earthquake in East Africa? Shake Djibouti.
Comical Shakes Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land
What funny jokes about shakes you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean shuffles jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make shakes pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So there's this man with a parrot.
And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a p**.... He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the t**..., shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did Shakespeare break up with his girlfriend?
Prose before h**....
At the pharmacist
A guy goes to a pharmacist and asks for a dozen condoms.
The druggist asked " Would you like a paper bag?"
The guy shakes his head and says "Nah, she ain't that ugly."
Jesus knows you're here
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shines his flashlight around the house looking for valuables when a voice in the dark says "Jesus knows you're here." Freaked out, he turns his flashlight off and freezes, but hears nothing more so shakes his head and continues. As he is disconnecting cables from the TV, he hears very clearly "Jesus is watching you." Startled, he shines his light around frantically looking for the source of the voice. In the corner of the room he spots a Parrot. "Did you say that?" he asks. "Yes," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you." The burglar laughs a bit, "warn me huh? Who in the world are you!" "Moses." The bird replies. With a now humorous tone, the burglar asks "What kind of person would name a bird Moses?" The bird replies "the same kind of people who would name a rottweiler Jesus."
Blondes At The Bus Stop.
Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.
A bus pulls up and opens the door. One of the blondes leans inside, asking the driver - "will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?"
The bus driver shakes his head, "no, I'm sorry, it won't" he says.
The other blonde leans inside and asks, "how about me?"
My girlfriend's response to a lesbian joke that I told her
Years ago I told my girlfriend a joke, it went something like this:
Me: Did you hear about the French lesbian who went back home to France?
Her: (Shakes her head no)
Me: She missed her native tongue.
After I said the punchline, she didn't get it, just sat there and looked at me straight-faced, trying to make sense of it, finally she blurts out, "They have natives in France?"
Why was Shakespeare always a good teammate to have?
Because no matter the sport, he would always play write
5.5 Quake Shakes L.A.
Every 20 years or so, a large earthquake rattles Los Angeles as a result of the tremendous buildup of pressure in every Angeleno to talk about something other than show business.
~ Scott Miller
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Foreign s**...
A man decides he wants to have a one night stand with a foreign girl. So he meets a girl they go to the bedroom. After the first round, the man says to her, You finish? The girl shakes her head, no. So they do it again. Now the man is really tired. So he says, You finish? Again, she shakes her head. So they do it again. By now, the man is exhausted. So he says to the girl, You finish? The girl answers, No, I Norwegian .
A man walks into a bar...
and sits down.
There is nobody else in the place except him and the bartender. He orders a drink and the bartender goes off to make it.
While he is sitting there he hears a voice say " Nice shoes". The man looks around and finds nobody around. He shakes his head and continues to wait for his drink.
Right away another voice says " Great shirt". Now the man gets up and gives a quick look around the bar. Still nobody around.
As soon as he sits back down he hears another voice say "Love your hair"
Now the guy is freaked out. The bartender comes back and places his drink down. The guy says " I have been hearing these voices. They were saying things like " Nice shoes, Great shirt and love your hair". I think I am losing my mind!
The bartender gives a quick chuckle as he points to a full pale on the bar. He says " Its the peanuts! They are complimentary"
An English Guy, A Scottish Guy, and An Irish Guy
An English guy, a Scottish Guy, and an Irish guy are in a bar. A fly comes over and lands in the English guy's beer, so he dumps it out. Another fly comes and lands in the Scottish guy's beer, so he takes it out and keeps drinking from it as if nothing happened. A third fly comes and lands in the Irish guy's beer. He takes the fly out, shakes it over his beer and yells "Spit it out, ya little blighter! Spit it out!"
Shakespeare jokes
Said hamlet of ophelia,
I'll draw a sketch of thee,
What kind of pencil shall I use?
2B or not 2B?
-Some of Spike Milligan's finest work
George Bush swears he sees Moses in the crowd at a rally....
.....and he doesn't want to miss the opportunity to meet such a well-known biblical celebrity.
He yells at him, "Sir, you look a lot like a man from the old testament. Are you Moses?" Looking around, the man slowly shakes his head side to side denying the gesture. Bush is not convinced.. one more time he asks, "Sir, I don't see the need to lie to me; are you Moses?" Once again, a back and forth shaking of his head. Bush tells his security detail to interrogate him.
His lead security agent asks the man in complete confidence, "The beard, the cloak, the staff, the wrinkled skin... you look exactly like Moses." Moses replies, "Because I am."
Confused, the security agent asks, "Why didn't you just tell the president that then? What harm could it have caused?" As a matter of factly, Moses replies, "The last time I talked to a Bush, I was stranded in a desert for 40 years."
What did Shakespeare ask his doctor when he was afraid he had tuberculosis?
TB or not TB, that is the question.
A blonde, a brunette, and a red head just robbed a bank.
They run into a barn to hide from the cops chasing them. Each of them jumps into an empty burlap sack when the cops come in.
The cops see the bags so they inspect them. The cops shakes the red head's bag. "Woof woof !" Says the red head. So the cops move on, thinking that it's just the farmer's dog.
The cops shake the brunette's bag. "Meow!" Says the brunette. So the cops move on.
The cops approach the third sack and shake the bag. The blonde yells "potatoes!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A soldier is running from Military Police. He runs up to a nun, and asks, out of breath: "Please... may I hide under your tunic?"
..."I'll explain later."
The nun nods in agreement.
A moment later, two Military Police officers show up and ask:
"Sister, have you seen a soldier here?"
The nun shakes her head. MPs run off, and the soldier crawls out from under her tunic and says, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria. I want to return to my family..."
The nun nods and smiles.
The soldier, relieved, adds jokingly: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun smiles, and replies in a deep voice "Well lad, if you had looked a bit higher, you would've seen a great pair of b**...… guess we're both not going to Syria."
Shakespeare & The Beatles walk into a pub...
...Landlord says, "sorry mate, you're barred and those guys are banned".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One fine day, down at the local diner.
A waitress taking the breakfast order of a mother and her young son is startled when the little boy looks up at her and growls in a low, deep voice:
**"I want to consume the flesh of swine, and the unborn."**
His mother shakes her head, sighs, and says, "Bacon and eggs. He wants bacon and eggs."
Protein shakes are really expensive....
Whey expensive.
Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses.
She yells down the stairs, Was I getting in or out of the bath?
The 94-year-old yells back, I don't know.
I'll come up and see. She starts up the stairs and pauses.
Then she yells out, Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, I sure hope I never get that forgetful.
She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then replies, I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a belly dancer and an incompetent pastry chef?
One shakes body parts and the other bakes shoddy tarts.
A blonde and her husband
A blonde and her husband are sleeping when the neighbor's dog starts barking and wakes them up. The blonde sighs, shakes her fist and says 'Wait until you see what I'm going to do to those neighbors!'
She runs out of the house and five minutes later she comes back with a smile on her face. The husband asks 'So, what did you do?'
The blonde says 'Well, I took the dog from their yard and I put it in our yard to see how they like it having the neighbor's dog barking all night.'
A rope orders a drink...
But the bartender says, "We don't serve ropes here."
The rope goes outside, ties himself up, unravels one end, and goes back inside.
"Hey, aren't you that rope?" Says the bartender.
The rope shakes his head, "I'm frayed knot."
Why did Shakespeare have a great time in secondary/high school?
He didn't have to read shakespeare.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Shakespeare Joke
Painter: "Y'are a dog."
Apemantus: "Your mother's of my generation. What's she, if I be a dog?"
Shakespeare told us who he was all along. . .
BIC PENTAMETER. Its all over his works: I AM BIC PENTAMETER
What's a bodybuilder's favorite movie?
Fifty Shakes of Whey.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde goes to a blood bank to earn a little money to pay the bills...
She steps into the elevator along with an attractive young man.
"Are you going to the blood bank too?" she inquires.
"no" he replies: "I go to the s**... bank, because I get four times the cash as I get for a pint of blood".
A week later, they meet again in the same elevator. The guy asks: " Off to the blood bank again?"
The blonde just shakes her head and says :" Mmm-Mmm"
A bottle of Scotch
An old Scotsman is lying on his deathbed, and he gasped out one last request. He says to his friend who's at his bedside:"Remember that fine old bottle of Scotch me father bought on the day I was born, that I've saved all these many years?". His friend shakes his head "yes". The old man says:"Would ya do me a great favor, and pour it over me grave when I'm gone?". His friend replies:"Surely lad, but do ya mind if I strain it through me kidneys first?".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Muslim is about to commit s**... when a Catholic priest stops him
"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest
"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit s**... to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"
The priest shakes his head
"Foolish Muslim, s**... is not the way!" He says
"Follow me, Ill take you to the local primary school."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A horse walks into a bar...
The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse screams, "I will end you!" And bites the bartender in the t**.... A priest, a nun, and a rabbi who were just approaching the entrance quietly turn and walk away as the horse shakes the bartender vigorously back and forth screaming, "why the floppy head?! Why the floppy head?!"
Shakespeare would have been a terrible umpire.
Fair is foul, and foul is fair.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**... goes to France
As he reaches the immigration desk, the clerk reviews his passport and asks, "Name?"
The fuhrer whispers, "Adolf h**..."
"Occupation?"
h**... shakes his head... "No, just visiting".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... with the DA's wife
Jack gets caught having s**... with the DA's wife. The next morning the police is at his door, telling him that he's arrested. Jack is furious. "What? Am I getting arrested just because I slept with the DA's wife? That's not i**...." The police officer shakes his head. "No, we are arresting you because you slept with a 14 year old girl."
A man and a woman are making love...
...when the man notices a picture of another man on the lady's bedside.
The man panics and asks, "Who is this? Is this your husband?"
The woman smiles and says, "No... You're so hot when you're jealous!"
The man is still panicked and asks, "Boyfriend?"
The woman shakes her head.
The man is slightly relieved and asks, "Then who is it? Your father? Brother?"
The woman replies, "No..." She leans into his ear and whispers, "That was me before the surgery."
Old Soviet joke. A woman runs to catch a bus.
She just makes it in time. "Thank God!" She exclaims as she gets on.
The bus driver shakes his head disapprovingly. "You know you cannot give thanks to God," he says. "You must instead give thanks to Comrade Stalin."
"And what if Comrade Stalin dies?" Asks the woman. "What should I do then?"
"Well if Comrade Stalin dies, then you can give thanks to God."
What does the poet do when he's frustrated with his fellow student?
Shakes peer.
Arnold Schwarzenegger joined an Easter egg hunt but didn't find any eggs. His secretary asks "Does this mean you hate Easter now?"
He shakes his head and responds:
"I still love Easter baby."
Donald Trump is standing in the gallows...
The executioner is fitting the rope around his neck.
Below the platform are all the news networks. They are all clamoring for a final statement before the man is hung for his crimes.
Trump simply smiles and shakes his head.
Finally, one question is heard above the roar of the crowd?
"Aren't you worried about dying?" A voice asks.
Trump shrugs his shoulders as he smiles again and shakes his head for the last time.
He replies: "Fake noose."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is the most Shakespearean way to eliminate bird flu?
m**... most fowl.
My 5yo son just told me this joke and it made me chuckle so thought I'd share... "Mom, if I had twenty apples in this hand (shakes left hand) and twenty apples in this hand (shakes right hand), what would I have?..."
"Massive hands!"
A young man is taking a driving test
The instructor describes a situation: "You're driving along and suddenly there are two people in front of you. A bit to the left there's an old hag and a bit to the right there's a beautiful young woman. Your car can't make it between them. What do you do?"
The young man says: "Well I'll go for the old hag."
The instructor shakes his head and says: "Really? You won't hit the brakes?"
A corn walks into a bar...
And it says to the bartender:
"Hey, wanna hear a joke?"
The bartender agrees. The corn then asks:
"What did the traffic light say to the car?"
The bartender then says: "What?"
The corn says: "DON'T LOOK! I'M CHANGING!"
The bartender shakes his head in disappointment and says:
"Didn't know what I was expecting."
A blind guy walks into a bar
His knee hurts for a little bit afterwards but eventually he shakes it off and feels better.
A woman is reading a book in bed when her husband enters with a sheep under his arm
The husband holds the sheep up to the woman and exclaims: "This is the pig I'm cheating on you with."
The woman, confused by the notion, replies: "But... that's a sheep."
To which the husband shakes his head and says: "I wasn't talking to you."
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B
Two donkeys are standing at a roadside
Two donkeys are standing at a roadside, one asks the other: "So, shall we cross? "
The other shakes his head: "No way, look at what happened to the zebra."
A guy comes home from work and he is clearly upset.
His wife looks concerned and asks him what's wrong. He shakes his head and refuses to say anything.
Later, during dinner, he's just pushing his food around on his plate and staring out the window.
"Honey, what is it? I've never seen you like this before," the wife says.
"It's . . . nothing," he says. "I can't burden you with my problems. It wouldn't be fair."
"*Your* problems?" the wife says. "We are partners. We face everything together. Your problem is my problem. There is no I, just we. Now please, tell me, what is it?"
"Well," he says, looking up at her glumly. "we got our secretary pregnant and now she's suing us for support."
An apple falls on Isaac Newton's head
He shakes his fist at the sky and says, "There should be a law!"
Shakespeare walks into a bar
[Exit, pursued by a bear]
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This is an old joke but my husband told me to never tell it again!
3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a b**... Mary. The second orders a b**... Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks a b**... Mary?
The vampire shakes his head. Hot water for me
Hot water?
I found a t**... out back and want to make tea
A guy goes into a grocery store.
He sees a pile of potatoes, and asks the store keeper:
"What are those?"
"Those are potatoes"
"Can I have a kilo of potatoes individually wrapped?"
The store keeper shakes his head and start wrapping potatoes.
"What are those?"
"Those are plums..."
"Can I have a kilogram of plums all individually wrapped?"
The store keeper cusses under his breath and starts packing plums.
"... and what are those?!
"Those are poppy seeds and they are NOT for sale!"
The best first: Doctor to Mrs. Spew: Is your daughter always stuttering like that?
Mrs. Spew shakes her head: No, only when she wants to say something.
What did Shakespeare call his shower
McBath
What did Shakespeare eat for lunch?
Caesar salad.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The CDC said to refrain from hand shakes.
Jeffrey d**... immediately bummed as he turns off the blender
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A freshman is talking to the new girl in school. You'll like it here, he tells her. Everyone is pretty chill, the teachers are all nice, but the principal is kind of a m**....
Do you know who I am? the girl asks her new classmate. I'm the daughter of the principal.
The boy is silent and then asks her, Do you know who I am?
She shakes her head no. Good, says the boy as he walks away.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Sally comes home from school munching on a big bag of candy...
Her mother says, "Where'd you get the money for that!?"
Sally laughs and says, "Little Johnny bet me five dollars I couldn't climb up the flag pole! I did it, and I won!"
Her mother shakes her head. "You d**...! He was just trying to get a peek at your p**...!"
"Oh no!" Little Sally says, embarrassed.
But the next day, she comes home with two bags of candy.
Her mother says, "Did Little Johnny pay you to climb the flag pole again!??"
"Yes!" says Little Sally. "But I sure fooled him! I didn't even wear any p**...!"
A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotist's office
A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotist's office
"I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I had an affair!" she sobbed.
"The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it never happened!"
The hypnotherapist shakes his head and sighs. "Not again...."
3" , 6", & 9" are which Shakespeare plays?
Much Ado About Nothing... As You Like It ...& Taming of the Shrew.
Three old ladies playing a round of bridge
The first old lady says, "You know, I'm really starting to lose my memory these days. The other day I went into the kitchen and forgot why I went."
The second old lady shakes her head, "That's nothing. The other day I went down the stairs and stopped halfway because I didn't know why I was going down."
The third lady says nothing and keeps playing, and the other two look at her expectantly. She looks at them both, "What? Don't look at me, my memory is as solid as this table." She then knocks on the table, looks at the door and says, "Hello? Who's there?!"
After twelve years of psychoanalysis, my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said....
After twelve years of psychoanalysis,
my psychiatrist said something
that brought tears to my eyes.
He said, No hablo Ingles.
- Ronnie Shakes
A man walks into an eye doctor…..
……..he says hello to the doctor, and the doctor says the same. The doctor asks the man if he'd like to hear a joke. The man says yes. Why does the phone wears glasses? The doctor asked. The man shakes his head in confusion. The doctor continues, because he doesn't have any contacts . The man frustratedly said could you not have thought of a cornea joke?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Knight, a Samurai, and a Viking are lost in a desert.
They see someone in the distance, and as they draw closer, they realise it's a buck n**... woman in a crusader's helmet with a samurai sword on her back.
The knight exclaims, "Look at her helm. Surely she is of my people! "
The samurai says "Nay! See the sword. She is obviously from Japan!"
The Viking shakes his head and says " No! She is in truth a Viking! Behold the beard of Thor!"
What did Shakespeare say when he couldn't identify the pencil?
2B or not 2B
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 22 year old blonde.
His buddies are amazed. "There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old g**... like you. How did you pull it off?"
"It's simple," John says, "I lied to her about my age."
"Did you tell her you were 50?" his friends ask. John shakes his head no.
"There is no way she could believe you were 40". John shakes his head again.
"So how old did you tell her you were exactly??"
John smiles and says "85".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A preacher rides into a town in the old west...
As he's riding into town, his horse keeps stumbling around the street. The reins are finally grabbed by the Sheriff, who says, "This stallion okay?"
The preacher says, "Yes. We passed through a patch of p**... and he ate some. But that aside, I come to tell you of God's good word, to help you worthless, sinful heathens to-"
The Sheriff shakes his head, struggling to hold the animal still, and says "Now before you go preaching to us, why don't you get off your high horse."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old one: A rabbi and a priest go golfing, but the rabbi keeps missing his shots.
Whenever this happens, he angrily exclaims, g**..., I missed! At each hole, the rabbi swears, and at each hole, the priest shakes his head. Finally, on the final hole, the exasperated priest declares, Rabbi, if you continue with this disrespect for the Lord's name, so help me, may He strike you down right here on the green. The rabbi swings, misses, and swears. Suddenly, a lightning bolt descends and incinerates the priest. A heavenly voice then cries out, g**..., I missed!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice p**... field when he sees his son running to him
'Father, father look' , the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly ' The Americans have gone to the moon '.
The farmer drops his plough and asks excitedly ;
'All of them'
'No just 3', replies the kid
'Damn it'
The father shakes his head in disappointment and goes back to the field.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An English man, an Irish man, and a Scots man walks into a bar
… and order a pint each.
A fly lands in the English mans beer and he pushes it away in disgust.
Another fly lands in the Irish mans beer but he drinks the beer with the fly in it.
A third fly lands the the Scots beer. He lifts up the fly in its tiny wings, shakes it, and yells: spit it out! Spit it out your little bastad .
A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better."
"Thanks Dad," the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My one Irish joke
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are sitting at a bar drinking. A fly comes and lands in the Frenchman's glass. He says I can't drink this and pushes the glass away. A fly comes and lands in the Englishman's drink. He picks out the fly and keeps drinking. A fly lands in the Irishman's drink. He picks the fly out and shakes it yelling spit it out!
Two magnets walk into a bar
Once they're through the door, the immediately fly to other sides of the room.
The bartender comes up to one of them and asks What happened to you two? I thought you were practically inseparable.
The magnet replies After what happened this weekend… It shakes its head. It was so polarizing, we can't even be close to each other.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Tragedy at the Guinness factory
One night, a woman answers the door to see her husband's best friend, p**..., standing on the doorstep.
Hello p**..., where is my husband? He said he was going to the Guinness factory with you.
p**... shakes his head. Ah, Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned.
Mrs McMillen starts crying. Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?
p**... shakes his head. Not really – he got out three times to go to the toilet.
So there's this duck, trying to sell drugs to this horse
The duck hold out his wing and says: "Quack?" The horse shakes his head and says: "Neigh!"
A man returns to work sporting a black eye after lunch
His coworker asked him if he got in a fight during his lunch break, and he says no, he was randomly punched by a guy after he asked him which food line he was standing in. The coworker asks if this happened in the line for the ramen shop, but he shakes his head and replies, "No, pho queue."
A man sits down next to a woman on a bus
The man starts flirting with her, and in the course of their conversation she admits that she's a nymphomaniac.
"Oh really," says the man, instantly more engaged in their conversation.
"Yeah", she confirms, "but I'm only attracted to Jewish cowboys. Anyway, my name is Mary-Beth, what's your name?"
The man shakes her hand and says, "nice to meet you, Mary-Beth, my name is Yosemite Goldstein."
\[cr
Shakespeare was able to write with either his left or right hand equally well...
He was iambidextrous.
A teacher asked her kindergartens...
Who the most important person in history is and whoever gets it right gets 5 dollars, one of the kids yells, "Abe Lincoln." The teacher smiles and shakes her head no, another kid yells, "George Washington." Again, the teacher shakes her head. The class becomes quiet as they all begin to think before one of the children goes, "jesus!" The teacher responds."That's right! But wait, aren't you jewish?" To which the child goes, "well, the correct answer is Moses, but business is business."
