They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.
like how she got a job right out of college.
So I took a photo of her hair!
They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.
There seems to be a lot of women who don't get offended by a billionaire grabbing a girl by the pussy.
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Shit Ron, how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said she had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!
She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.'
So . . . . here I am!"
#272727, #282828, #292929, #2b2b2b, #2c2c2c, #2e2e2e, #313131, #323232, #343434, #353535, #373737, #393939, #3a3a3a, #3c3c3c, #3f3f3f, #404040, #424242, #444444, #454545, #474747, #484848, #4a4a4a, #4b4b4b, #4d4d4d, #4e4e4e, #505050, #515151, #535353, #565656, #575757, #585858, #595959, #5b5b5b, #5c5c5c, #5e5e5e, #616161, #626262, #646464, #656565, #676767, #6a6a6a, #6b6b6b, #6c6c6c, #6d6d6d, #6f6f6f, #727272, #737373, #757575, #767676, #777777, #7b7b7b, #7c7c7c, #7d7d7d, #7e7e7e, #808080, #818181, #838383, #868686, #878787, #888888, #898989, #8b8b8b, #8c8c8c, #8e8e8e, #919191, #929292, #949494, #959595, #979797, #9a9a9a, #9b9b9b, #9c9c9c, #9d9d9d, #9f9f9f, #a0a0a0, #a2a2a2, #a5a5a5, #a6a6a6, #a8a8a8, #a9a9a9, #ababab, #aeaeae, #afafaf, #b0b0b0
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.
The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb..Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts..
At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way
the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"
"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."
In fifty shades of gray
For example, the one where she gets a job right out of college.
As he wakes up, he notices the room is dark, and a doctor is standing there. He asks the doctor, "Why did you close all the window shades?"
The doctor says, "There was a large fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you didn't survive the operation."
Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Revlon Vibrant Shades lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell.
In a statement she said, "The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis."
So I showed her a picture of her hair.
First, she wants me to become a billionaire.
beats me
Just sucks I couldn't hear the movie over all those goddamn bees in the theater
When asked to comment about this 50 Shades stated "It's okay, I like to be dominated."
A group of nuns are repainting the interior of their convent, when they decided that they should keep their clothes clean by painting in the nude. They proceeded to close all the shades on the windows, because obviously they didn't want anyone seeing them naked.
They get a knock on the door. Before opening, one of the nuns asks, "Who is it?" to which he replies with, "blind guy." Well we can let a blind guy in since he can't see us naked, they figure. They open the door to a perfectly sighted man who remarks, "Nice tits. Your blinds are broken, I'm here to fix them."
Q: What type of bees make milk?
A: BOO-Bees!
And then he just couldn't stop laughing. Mom turned 50 shades of red and blamed dad. Good times.
It's like getting an obscene phone call from Stephen Hawking
He said "yeah, my wife and I have been doing S&M for years."
"Really!", I said, "I had no idea!"
"Sure," he said, "she sleeps and I masturbate!"
It's called 50 Shades of Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.
She says to him, "Excuse me, sir.. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway......
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T'was "fifty shades of grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominator !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left t*t!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.
Y'know the one where she gets a job right out of college.
I got a B+ and the teacher left a note saying, "thank god you didn't actually read the book, though I loved your creativity stating Christian Grey had 49 other clones".
Ironically, the only way you could get me to watch 50 shades of gray is if you tied me up and forced me to watch it.
... they both offer the fantasy of being dominated by a rich guy, who pushes the boundarys of what you though you were into.
When it came to a halt,the engineer said,"Our engine has failed,What shall i do?"."Let the invincible spirit of the people pulls us on!" Lenin declared."Shoot the engineer!" offered Stalin.And Gorbachev suggested, "Close the shades and we can pretend we're moving forward."
I told my wife I wanted to watch a movie about a billionaire playboy with a penchant for darkness, inflicting violence and dressing up in masks.
She got excited and asked, "Are we really go to see *50 Shades*?"
I laughed and told her I was talking about *The Lego Batman Movie*.
That's a lot of women who aren't offended by a billionaire grabbing some chick by the pussy.
He slowly but firmly grabs my throat. I try to say goodbye and I choke. I try to walk away and I stumble...'
- of Macy Gray.
Fifty Shades of Neigh
People break into her house just to close the shades
Like the one where she gets a job right out of college.
I think they deserve a raise.
50 Shades of Grey: the story of a billionaire dominating and fucking a dumb American.
I was in my bathroom earlier and I heard weird noises coming from the sink.
Then, I walked to the upstairs window and noticed a man dressed in an all black suit with black shades, suspiciously walking around outside in the car park.
Beginning to think that someone might be phoning my taps.
I guess you could say we are BOTH pre soaking.
Johnny's Mum was cleaning under his bed when she found a stash of BDSM magazines.
A bit concerned she asks Johnny's Dad what he thinks she should do.
Johnny's Dad responds "whatever else you do, don't spank him"
Girl 1: Hey have you read yet?
Girl 2: Yes! From cover to cover!
Girl 1: And the index?
Girl 2: Exhausted...
Buy my new book: 50 Shades of Grey Poupon
It's just all climax.
Well, first it tied the record... then it beat it....
[credit goes to the Late Night with Seth Meyers writers]
They should have added 19 more shades
Nice shades.
(sorry)
Shades!
Girlfriend: I just saw the new 50 shades and I really wanna try something I saw in the move.
Me: oh yeahhhh? What'd you wanna try babe?
Girlfriend: Fuck a billionaire.
An old man and his son are sitting in a diner, having a burger and some coffee.
After a while, a girl comes in dressed in leather, covered in chains and piercings. She has a shocking mohican haircut in about 20 different shades.
All the time she's sitting there, the old guy keeps looking across to this girl, and she keeps noticing him watching her. After about a half hour of this, she finally snaps and has a pop at him...
"What's the matter you old fart? You never seen modern clothes?"
Quick as a flash, the old guy replies "No, it's just that when I was in the second world war, I got sex starved and fucked a macaw. I thought you might be my daughter..." :-)
82% of women have admitted to reading 50 Shades of Grey with one hand
He was shades lighter after that...
A glutton for punishment...
Well first it tied them, then it beat them.
I saw someone post some the other day. Has anyone thought of any new ones?
Here are a couple my friends and I thought of...
50 Shades of Grey Goose,
Into the Wild Turkey,
Beer and Present Danger,
Patriot Drinking Games,
The Sum of All Beers (I like Tom Clancy),
The Red Badge of Liquid Courage.
....but the title "50 Shades of Grey" was already taken.
Then she stopped dyeing her hair.
Fifty Shades of Hay.
Doctors have diagnosed him with colour-blandness.
A colorblind synaesthesiac listening to the radio
And then with the remaining Fridays before the next Black Friday, you can have fifty shades of grey.
If you want a lamp, why do you need shade??
They couldn't agree where to go. Christian wanted Domino's, but Ana insisted on Subway!
My wife asked me, "what's that noise?" I said "fifty shades of gray"
Says to the shopkeeper, "Can I have a roll of masking tape and some zip ties"
Shopkeeper smiles knowingly, "I'm sorry, thanks to the 50 Shades of Gray film we're out of stock"
The man winces and replies, "OK, just give me a chainsaw and some bin bags"
"Hey, what are you doing?"
"Illustrating Fifty Shades of Grey..."
50 Shades of Jean Grey
... so I got the Bolshevik secret police to murder her family and I sold her to a Russian pig farmer.
Fifty shades of eyy
Oh the hue manatee
...specifically, the part where the protagonist gets a job straight out of college.
He replies, "I'm color blind and can only see 36 of them."
He wears shades so he doesn't see you masturbate.
He could barely see, only shades, but he could still talk. He turned to his wife and said:
-Is David, my oldest son here? *cough*
-Yes
-is Eli, my middle son here?
-Yes, he is here too
-is Joseph here too ?
-Yes, yes, everyone is here
-*cough*, if everyone is here, why is the light in the kitchen on?
It was basically just 50 shades of gray
50 Shades of Gay
But I realised it was just a porno. I could tell the difference because they were having consensual sex.
huehuehue.
Beats
... it's impossible to tell if girls are referring to the movie or the book when they say 'I was just flicking through 50 Shades of Grey.'
A greydient
They are urging cinemas showing 50 shades of grey to brace themselves.
I'm not really interested in watching that film. In order to make me see it, someone would literally have to tie me up and drag me there.
Being colorblind fucking sucks!
I hear that when you go see Fifty Shades of Grey, some theaters, to go along with the theme of the film, will tie moviegoers to their chairs. It has been determined that the real reason for this is that it is the only way to get people to sit through the entire movie.
50 shades of sleigh.
They both only have fifty shades of grey.
69% on rottentomatoes?
They do beat around the bush...
But I said NO!
I hear it's very sad.
Math hue.
because the sex is rrruff.
Yeah, it comes out next year. It's called Fifty Shades of Aaaaayyy!
It was gonna be titled "50 Shades of Black".
...it'd be on the Commissioner's Exempt list.
She seemed concerned and said she didn't want to be tied down.
takes a deep breath and says " MMM ... I guess I'm at a fish market"
Girl 1: have you read ?
Girl 2: yep from cover to cover!
Girl 1: what about the index?
Gorl 2: tired from over use...
Slim Shad-Es
I replied.
"Fifty shades of crayola,"
Fifty shades of GRE
It's called Dory 'N Gray.
50 Shades of Earl Grey
Fifty shades of G'Day
Fifty Shades of Fae.
I counted at least 3 different shades of white in it.
It was the scene where Christian wanted to buy Anastasia a new Audi...
I'm gonna call it "50 Shades of José"
"The Sky"
50 shades of hey
Dog Anastasia's Friend: "How did the interview go?"
Dog Anastasia: "Didn't even happen. I just couldn't figure out which one was Mr Grey"
It's called 50 shades of CGP Grey
His hair turned fifty shades of grey
There won't be a dry seat in the cinema.
Because I've seen 50 Shades too many...
50 Shades of Gay
Fifty Shades of Neigh
I heard its a period piece.
I think it's all just shades of gay.
Fifty Shades Freed.
I think the book was called fifty shades of Christ.
To flick through it as fast as possible.
I mean if it's a lamp, why do you want shades?
Gunglasses!
... that makes it a RIM job.
you'll forget 50 shades of grey
[36:55]
Like the one where she gets a job right out of college.
Who swallowed some samples of paint
All shades of spectrum
Flowed out of his rectum
With a colorful lack of restraint
Because he needs something to get him angry enough to turn him into the Hulk on short notice.
There were too many holes in the plot.
It makes them think that Vintage Books will publish anything that gets sent to them.
I was gonna call it "Fifty Shades of AYE"
Maybe I should stop feeding him 50 shades of hay
I guess I'm not in her good books.
Rope and chains.
50 shades of grey.
50 shades of grey's anatomy
The Gray Poupon
It was pretty Greyt
"That's gotta hurt!"
50 shades of heeeeey.
Guys, stop, they're whore-ible.
50 shades of hay.
You could say it had a huge climax.
Chapter 1: The chase
Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Shades? Well, here are the best jokes about Shades to have fun with.