Shades Jokes

Following is our collection of likeable humor and column one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Shades puns for adults, dirty skylight jokes or clean bands gags for kids.

There is an abundance of curtain jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 77 funniest jokes on shades. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any crayon witze you can hear about shades.

The Best jokes about Shades

What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

I really wish some of the fantasies in 50 shades of grey were real...

like how she got a job right out of college.

My wife said she wanted to see 50 Shades of Grey.

So I took a photo of her hair!

I now understand the 52 genders

Male, female, and 50 shades of gay

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 Shades of Grey...

For example, the one where she gets a job right out of college.


A lawyer undergoes heart surgury, and is in bed in the recovery area

As he wakes up, he notices the room is dark, and a doctor is standing there. He asks the doctor, "Why did you close all the window shades?"

The doctor says, "There was a large fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you didn't survive the operation."

Julie Andrews withdraws her endorsement

Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Revlon Vibrant Shades lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell.

In a statement she said, "The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis."

My wife said she wanted to see "Fifty Shades Of Grey".

So I showed her a picture of her hair.

My wife says we should spice up our sex life with some stuff from 50 Shades of Gray.

First, she wants me to become a billionaire.

Why do women find the guy in 50 Shades of Grey sexy?

beats me

50 shades of grey would be a perfect title for a movie about a dog reading a map of the US.


This week Lego Batman sold more tickets than the sequel to 50 Shades of Grey...

When asked to comment about this 50 Shades stated "It's okay, I like to be dominated."

My 8-Year old patient was so pround, mom was not.

Q: What type of bees make milk?

A: BOO-Bees!

And then he just couldn't stop laughing. Mom turned 50 shades of red and blamed dad. Good times.

When my kindle reads Fifty Shades of Gray to me

It's like getting an obscene phone call from Stephen Hawking

Fifty Shades of Grey

#272727, #282828, #292929, #2b2b2b, #2c2c2c, #2e2e2e, #313131, #323232, #343434, #353535, #373737, #393939, #3a3a3a, #3c3c3c, #3f3f3f, #404040, #424242, #444444, #454545, #474747, #484848, #4a4a4a, #4b4b4b, #4d4d4d, #4e4e4e, #505050, #515151, #535353, #565656, #575757, #585858, #595959, #5b5b5b, #5c5c5c, #5e5e5e, #616161, #626262, #646464, #656565, #676767, #6a6a6a, #6b6b6b, #6c6c6c, #6d6d6d, #6f6f6f, #727272, #737373, #757575, #767676, #777777, #7b7b7b, #7c7c7c, #7d7d7d, #7e7e7e, #808080, #818181, #838383, #868686, #878787, #888888, #898989, #8b8b8b, #8c8c8c, #8e8e8e, #919191, #929292, #949494, #959595, #979797, #9a9a9a, #9b9b9b, #9c9c9c, #9d9d9d, #9f9f9f, #a0a0a0, #a2a2a2, #a5a5a5, #a6a6a6, #a8a8a8, #a9a9a9, #ababab, #aeaeae, #afafaf, #b0b0b0

Did you hear The Fonz wrote an erotic novel?

It's called 50 Shades of Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Colorblind people are wondering why is everyone on Facebook is celebrating Fifty Shades of Grey

Got kicked out of Barnes and Noble for moving the "Caution Wet Floor" sign to the Fifty Shades of Gray aisle.

The Blind Clerk

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.

She says to him, "Excuse me, sir.. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway......

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."


A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday....


She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,

I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb..Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts..

At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way

the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,

"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"

"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."

50 Shades of Grey

The missus bought a Paperback,

down Shepton Mallet way,

I had a look inside her bag;

T'was "fifty shades of grey".

Well I just left her to it,

And at ten I went to bed.

An hour later she appeared;

The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;

And in her right a whip!

She threw them down upon the floor,

And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;

I might have had a peek;

But Mabel hasn't weathered well;

She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;

Could not have been much grimmer.

And things then went from bad to worse;

She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;

A couple minutes later;

She put her teeth back in and said

I am a dominator !!

Now if you knew our Mabel,

You'd see just why I spluttered,

I'd spent two months in traction

For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked

Bent forward just a bit

I went to hold her, sensual like

and stood on her left t*t!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;

My god what had I done!?

She moaned and groaned then shouted out:

"Step on the other one"!!

Well readers, I can't tell no more;

About what occurred that day.

Suffice to say my jet black hair,

Turned fifty shades of grey.

I want to reenact a scene from 50 Shades of Gray....

Y'know the one where she gets a job right out of college.

I remember doing a book report in elementary school on, "Fifty Shades of Grey".

I got a B+ and the teacher left a note saying, "thank god you didn't actually read the book, though I loved your creativity stating Christian Grey had 49 other clones".

How about some snappy one-liners?

Ironically, the only way you could get me to watch 50 shades of gray is if you tied me up and forced me to watch it.

Apple and Fifty Shades of Gray are popular for the same reason ...

... they both offer the fantasy of being dominated by a rich guy, who pushes the boundarys of what you though you were into.

Lenin,Stalin and Gorbachev were riding on a train...

When it came to a halt,the engineer said,"Our engine has failed,What shall i do?"."Let the invincible spirit of the people pulls us on!" Lenin declared."Shoot the engineer!" offered Stalin.And Gorbachev suggested, "Close the shades and we can pretend we're moving forward."

Going To The Movies

I told my wife I wanted to watch a movie about a billionaire playboy with a penchant for darkness, inflicting violence and dressing up in masks.

She got excited and asked, "Are we really go to see *50 Shades*?"

I laughed and told her I was talking about *The Lego Batman Movie*.

50 Shades

He slowly but firmly grabs my throat. I try to say goodbye and I choke. I try to walk away and I stumble...'
- of Macy Gray.

They're watching...

I was in my bathroom earlier and I heard weird noises coming from the sink.

Then, I walked to the upstairs window and noticed a man dressed in an all black suit with black shades, suspiciously walking around outside in the car park.

Beginning to think that someone might be phoning my taps.

My room is really dark, I think my window shades work too well...

I think they deserve a raise.

I'm starting the dishes, and my wife is getting ready to go watch 50 Shades of Grey

I guess you could say we are BOTH pre soaking.

50 Shades of Little Johnny

Johnny's Mum was cleaning under his bed when she found a stash of BDSM magazines.

A bit concerned she asks Johnny's Dad what he thinks she should do.

Johnny's Dad responds "whatever else you do, don't spank him"

Do you want to satisfy your hardcore food fetish?

Buy my new book: 50 Shades of Grey Poupon

50 shades of grey

Girl 1: Hey have you read yet?
Girl 2: Yes! From cover to cover!
Girl 1: And the index?
Girl 2: Exhausted...

50 shades of grey is a genius title but had they thought about it

They should have added 19 more shades

Fifty Shades of Grey has no plot.

It's just all climax.

Fifty Shades of Grey beat the record for fastest selling R-rated movie in history...

Well, first it tied the record... then it beat it....

[credit goes to the Late Night with Seth Meyers writers]

What did the curtain rod say to the blinds?

Nice shades.


(sorry)

What are a lamp's favorite type of glasses?

Shades!

50 SHADES ADMISSION

82% of women have admitted to reading 50 Shades of Grey with one hand

Did you know Michael Jacksons curtains lit on fire?

He was shades lighter after that...

I was gunna write the great American nursing home romance novel...

....but the title "50 Shades of Grey" was already taken.

Literary alcohol puns

I saw someone post some the other day. Has anyone thought of any new ones?

Here are a couple my friends and I thought of...

50 Shades of Grey Goose,
Into the Wild Turkey,
Beer and Present Danger,
Patriot Drinking Games,
The Sum of All Beers (I like Tom Clancy),
The Red Badge of Liquid Courage.

What would a book on BDSM culture written in alabama be called?

Fifty Shades of Hay.

What do you call someone who has watched all the "Shades of Grey" movies?

A glutton for punishment...

I was so excited. My wife said she wanted to live the life of 50 Shades of Grey ...

Then she stopped dyeing her hair.

50 shades of grey broke a lot of box office records for R-rated movies…

Well first it tied them, then it beat them.

What kind of person can't stop watching 'Fifty Shades of Grey'?

A colorblind synaesthesiac listening to the radio

My son can only see in shades of beige,

Doctors have diagnosed him with colour-blandness.

I think it's only fair the week after Black Friday be called White Friday

And then with the remaining Fridays before the next Black Friday, you can have fifty shades of grey.

Man goes into a hardware store...

Says to the shopkeeper, "Can I have a roll of masking tape and some zip ties"

Shopkeeper smiles knowingly, "I'm sorry, thanks to the 50 Shades of Gray film we're out of stock"

The man winces and replies, "OK, just give me a chainsaw and some bin bags"

Why did the characters from Fifty Shades of Grey get into a fight about fast food?

They couldn't agree where to go. Christian wanted Domino's, but Ana insisted on Subway!

What's the deal with lamp shades??

If you want a lamp, why do you need shade??

I turned on the TV, and it was static

My wife asked me, "what's that noise?" I said "fifty shades of gray"

There's one fantasy scene in 50 Shades of Grey that I'd love to be part of in real life...

...specifically, the part where the protagonist gets a job straight out of college.

In art class, I saw my friend making a gradient from dark to light on his paper with his pencil today.

"Hey, what are you doing?"
"Illustrating Fifty Shades of Grey..."

Whats's Wolverine's favoirte book?

50 Shades of Jean Grey

A man is asked why he can't see the Fifty Shades of Gray movie...

He replies, "I'm color blind and can only see 36 of them."

Manatees come in all sorts of shades and hues

Oh the hue manatee

Television was never really black and white before color

It was basically just 50 shades of gray

After reading, 50 shades of grey, my wife asked to treat her like Anastasia

... so I got the Bolshevik secret police to murder her family and I sold her to a Russian pig farmer.ο»Ώ

A conversation between a bird cop and a bird detective

Cop: We found 2 murder victims, bludgeoned to death

Detective: Did you find the murder weapon?

Cop: Just one stone

Detective: *Lowers shades* Dear god

Another old jew on the deathbed,

He could barely see, only shades, but he could still talk. He turned to his wife and said:

-Is David, my oldest son here? *cough*

-Yes

-is Eli, my middle son here?

-Yes, he is here too

-is Joseph here too ?

-Yes, yes, everyone is here

-*cough*, if everyone is here, why is the light in the kitchen on?

I pranked my friend by coloring their face 3 different shades of blue in their sleep.

huehuehue.

What do you get if you cross 50 Shades of Grey with Blurred Lines?

A greydient

What do you call a multi-cultural, homosexual convention?

50 Shades of Gay

What kind of headphones are sold in 50 shades of grey?

Beats

Experts are predicting a very wet day tomorrow...

They are urging cinemas showing 50 shades of grey to brace themselves.

50 Shades of Gray

I'm not really interested in watching that film. In order to make me see it, someone would literally have to tie me up and drag me there.

Fifty Shades of Grey.

I hear that when you go see Fifty Shades of Grey, some theaters, to go along with the theme of the film, will tie moviegoers to their chairs. It has been determined that the real reason for this is that it is the only way to get people to sit through the entire movie.

What do new car colours and your mom's literary collection have in common?

They both only have fifty shades of grey.

Ever since they brought out a movie based on the book...

... it's impossible to tell if girls are referring to the movie or the book when they say 'I was just flicking through 50 Shades of Grey.'

What's Mrs. Clause's favorite romance novel?

50 shades of sleigh.

"Fifty Shades of Grey" gives its readers unrealistic expectations.

It makes them think that Vintage Books will publish anything that gets sent to them.

I heard they were gonna make a movie about Michael Jackson

It was gonna be titled "50 Shades of Black".

Why does Bruce Banner have Fifty Shades of Grey on his iPhone?

Because he needs something to get him angry enough to turn him into the Hulk on short notice.

I asked the girl I've been dating to see Fifty Shades of Grey with me this weekend, but I think she's worried were moving too fast.

She seemed concerned and said she didn't want to be tied down.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes