shades Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious shades puns

What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

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I really wish some of the fantasies in 50 shades of grey were real...

like how she got a job right out of college.

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My wife said she wanted to see 50 Shades of Grey.

So I took a photo of her hair!

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What do Green Eggs and Ham, and Fifty Shades of Gray have in common?

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

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Fifty Shades got $47 Million at the box office...

There seems to be a lot of women who don't get offended by a billionaire grabbing a girl by the pussy.

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50 Shades of Grey

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Shit Ron, how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said she had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!
She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.'

So . . . . here I am!"

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Fifty Shades of Grey

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A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday....


She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,

I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb..Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts..

At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way

the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,

"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"

"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."

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How do color blind people see porn?

In fifty shades of gray

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I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 Shades of Grey...

For example, the one where she gets a job right out of college.

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A lawyer undergoes heart surgury, and is in bed in the recovery area

As he wakes up, he notices the room is dark, and a doctor is standing there. He asks the doctor, "Why did you close all the window shades?"

The doctor says, "There was a large fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you didn't survive the operation."

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Julie Andrews withdraws her endorsement

Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Revlon Vibrant Shades lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell.

In a statement she said, "The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis."

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My wife said she wanted to see "Fifty Shades Of Grey".

So I showed her a picture of her hair.

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My wife says we should spice up our sex life with some stuff from 50 Shades of Gray.

First, she wants me to become a billionaire.

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Why do women find the guy in 50 Shades of Grey sexy?

beats me

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50 shades of grey would be a perfect title for a movie about a dog reading a map of the US.

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I went to the 50 Shades of Grey midnight premier earlier tonight

Just sucks I couldn't hear the movie over all those goddamn bees in the theater

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This week Lego Batman sold more tickets than the sequel to 50 Shades of Grey...

When asked to comment about this 50 Shades stated "It's okay, I like to be dominated."

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A group of nuns are repainting the interior of their monastery...

A group of nuns are repainting the interior of their convent, when they decided that they should keep their clothes clean by painting in the nude. They proceeded to close all the shades on the windows, because obviously they didn't want anyone seeing them naked.

They get a knock on the door. Before opening, one of the nuns asks, "Who is it?" to which he replies with, "blind guy." Well we can let a blind guy in since he can't see us naked, they figure. They open the door to a perfectly sighted man who remarks, "Nice tits. Your blinds are broken, I'm here to fix them."

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My 8-Year old patient was so pround, mom was not.

Q: What type of bees make milk?

A: BOO-Bees!

And then he just couldn't stop laughing. Mom turned 50 shades of red and blamed dad. Good times.

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When my kindle reads Fifty Shades of Gray to me

It's like getting an obscene phone call from Stephen Hawking

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I was talking to my buddy about 50 Shades Of Grey

He said "yeah, my wife and I have been doing S&M for years."
"Really!", I said, "I had no idea!"
"Sure," he said, "she sleeps and I masturbate!"

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Did you hear The Fonz wrote an erotic novel?

It's called 50 Shades of Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

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Colorblind people are wondering why is everyone on Facebook is celebrating Fifty Shades of Grey

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Got kicked out of Barnes and Noble for moving the "Caution Wet Floor" sign to the Fifty Shades of Gray aisle.

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The Blind Clerk

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.

She says to him, "Excuse me, sir.. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway......

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

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50 Shades of Grey

The missus bought a Paperback,

down Shepton Mallet way,

I had a look inside her bag;

T'was "fifty shades of grey".

Well I just left her to it,

And at ten I went to bed.

An hour later she appeared;

The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;

And in her right a whip!

She threw them down upon the floor,

And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;

I might have had a peek;

But Mabel hasn't weathered well;

She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;

Could not have been much grimmer.

And things then went from bad to worse;

She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;

A couple minutes later;

She put her teeth back in and said

I am a dominator !!

Now if you knew our Mabel,

You'd see just why I spluttered,

I'd spent two months in traction

For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked

Bent forward just a bit

I went to hold her, sensual like

and stood on her left t*t!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;

My god what had I done!?

She moaned and groaned then shouted out:

"Step on the other one"!!

Well readers, I can't tell no more;

About what occurred that day.

Suffice to say my jet black hair,

Turned fifty shades of grey.

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I want to reenact a scene from 50 Shades of Gray....

Y'know the one where she gets a job right out of college.

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I remember doing a book report in elementary school on, "Fifty Shades of Grey".

I got a B+ and the teacher left a note saying, "thank god you didn't actually read the book, though I loved your creativity stating Christian Grey had 49 other clones".

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How about some snappy one-liners?

Ironically, the only way you could get me to watch 50 shades of gray is if you tied me up and forced me to watch it.

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Apple and Fifty Shades of Gray are popular for the same reason ...

... they both offer the fantasy of being dominated by a rich guy, who pushes the boundarys of what you though you were into.

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Lenin,Stalin and Gorbachev were riding on a train...

When it came to a halt,the engineer said,"Our engine has failed,What shall i do?"."Let the invincible spirit of the people pulls us on!" Lenin declared."Shoot the engineer!" offered Stalin.And Gorbachev suggested, "Close the shades and we can pretend we're moving forward."

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Going To The Movies

I told my wife I wanted to watch a movie about a billionaire playboy with a penchant for darkness, inflicting violence and dressing up in masks.

She got excited and asked, "Are we really go to see *50 Shades*?"

I laughed and told her I was talking about *The Lego Batman Movie*.

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50 shades darker brought in $46million at the box office

That's a lot of women who aren't offended by a billionaire grabbing some chick by the pussy.

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50 Shades

He slowly but firmly grabs my throat. I try to say goodbye and I choke. I try to walk away and I stumble...'
- of Macy Gray.

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What do you call a story about beastiality?

Fifty Shades of Neigh

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Yo mama's so ugly

People break into her house just to close the shades

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I wish I could reenact the fantasy scenes from 50 Shades Of Gray

Like the one where she gets a job right out of college.

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My room is really dark, I think my window shades work too well...

I think they deserve a raise.

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What is Trump's favorite book?

50 Shades of Grey: the story of a billionaire dominating and fucking a dumb American.

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They're watching...

I was in my bathroom earlier and I heard weird noises coming from the sink.

Then, I walked to the upstairs window and noticed a man dressed in an all black suit with black shades, suspiciously walking around outside in the car park.

Beginning to think that someone might be phoning my taps.

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I'm starting the dishes, and my wife is getting ready to go watch 50 Shades of Grey

I guess you could say we are BOTH pre soaking.

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50 Shades of Little Johnny

Johnny's Mum was cleaning under his bed when she found a stash of BDSM magazines.

A bit concerned she asks Johnny's Dad what he thinks she should do.

Johnny's Dad responds "whatever else you do, don't spank him"

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50 shades of grey

Girl 1: Hey have you read yet?
Girl 2: Yes! From cover to cover!
Girl 1: And the index?
Girl 2: Exhausted...

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Do you want to satisfy your hardcore food fetish?

Buy my new book: 50 Shades of Grey Poupon

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Fifty Shades of Grey has no plot.

It's just all climax.

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Fifty Shades of Grey beat the record for fastest selling R-rated movie in history...

Well, first it tied the record... then it beat it....

[credit goes to the Late Night with Seth Meyers writers]

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50 shades of grey is a genius title but had they thought about it

They should have added 19 more shades

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What did the curtain rod say to the blinds?

Nice shades.


(sorry)

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What are a lamp's favorite type of glasses?

Shades!

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So, my girlfriend wanted to try some stuff she saw in the new 50 Shades of Grey movie

Girlfriend: I just saw the new 50 shades and I really wanna try something I saw in the move.

Me: oh yeahhhh? What'd you wanna try babe?

Girlfriend: Fuck a billionaire.

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Polly want a daughter?

An old man and his son are sitting in a diner, having a burger and some coffee.

After a while, a girl comes in dressed in leather, covered in chains and piercings. She has a shocking mohican haircut in about 20 different shades.

All the time she's sitting there, the old guy keeps looking across to this girl, and she keeps noticing him watching her. After about a half hour of this, she finally snaps and has a pop at him...

"What's the matter you old fart? You never seen modern clothes?"

Quick as a flash, the old guy replies "No, it's just that when I was in the second world war, I got sex starved and fucked a macaw. I thought you might be my daughter..." :-)

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50 SHADES ADMISSION

82% of women have admitted to reading 50 Shades of Grey with one hand

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Did you know Michael Jacksons curtains lit on fire?

He was shades lighter after that...

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What do you call someone who has watched all the "Shades of Grey" movies?

A glutton for punishment...

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50 shades of grey broke a lot of box office records for R-rated movies…

Well first it tied them, then it beat them.

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Literary alcohol puns

I saw someone post some the other day. Has anyone thought of any new ones?

Here are a couple my friends and I thought of...

50 Shades of Grey Goose,
Into the Wild Turkey,
Beer and Present Danger,
Patriot Drinking Games,
The Sum of All Beers (I like Tom Clancy),
The Red Badge of Liquid Courage.

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I was gunna write the great American nursing home romance novel...

....but the title "50 Shades of Grey" was already taken.

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I was so excited. My wife said she wanted to live the life of 50 Shades of Grey ...

Then she stopped dyeing her hair.

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What would a book on BDSM culture written in alabama be called?

Fifty Shades of Hay.

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My son can only see in shades of beige,

Doctors have diagnosed him with colour-blandness.

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What kind of person can't stop watching 'Fifty Shades of Grey'?

A colorblind synaesthesiac listening to the radio

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I think it's only fair the week after Black Friday be called White Friday

And then with the remaining Fridays before the next Black Friday, you can have fifty shades of grey.

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What's the deal with lamp shades??

If you want a lamp, why do you need shade??

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Why did the characters from Fifty Shades of Grey get into a fight about fast food?

They couldn't agree where to go. Christian wanted Domino's, but Ana insisted on Subway!

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I turned on the TV, and it was static

My wife asked me, "what's that noise?" I said "fifty shades of gray"

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Man goes into a hardware store...

Says to the shopkeeper, "Can I have a roll of masking tape and some zip ties"

Shopkeeper smiles knowingly, "I'm sorry, thanks to the 50 Shades of Gray film we're out of stock"

The man winces and replies, "OK, just give me a chainsaw and some bin bags"

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In art class, I saw my friend making a gradient from dark to light on his paper with his pencil today.

"Hey, what are you doing?"
"Illustrating Fifty Shades of Grey..."

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Whats's Wolverine's favoirte book?

50 Shades of Jean Grey

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After reading, 50 shades of grey, my wife asked to treat her like Anastasia

... so I got the Bolshevik secret police to murder her family and I sold her to a Russian pig farmer.ο»Ώ

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What type of porn do Canadians watch?

Fifty shades of eyy

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Manatees come in all sorts of shades and hues

Oh the hue manatee

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There's one fantasy scene in 50 Shades of Grey that I'd love to be part of in real life...

...specifically, the part where the protagonist gets a job straight out of college.

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A man is asked why he can't see the Fifty Shades of Gray movie...

He replies, "I'm color blind and can only see 36 of them."

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You know the incognito mode guy?

He wears shades so he doesn't see you masturbate.

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Another old jew on the deathbed,

He could barely see, only shades, but he could still talk. He turned to his wife and said:

-Is David, my oldest son here? *cough*

-Yes

-is Eli, my middle son here?

-Yes, he is here too

-is Joseph here too ?

-Yes, yes, everyone is here

-*cough*, if everyone is here, why is the light in the kitchen on?

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Television was never really black and white before color

It was basically just 50 shades of gray

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What do you call a multi-cultural, homosexual convention?

50 Shades of Gay

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I thought I was watching 50 shades of Grey

But I realised it was just a porno. I could tell the difference because they were having consensual sex.

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I pranked my friend by coloring their face 3 different shades of blue in their sleep.

huehuehue.

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What kind of headphones are sold in 50 shades of grey?

Beats

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Ever since they brought out a movie based on the book...

... it's impossible to tell if girls are referring to the movie or the book when they say 'I was just flicking through 50 Shades of Grey.'

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What do you get if you cross 50 Shades of Grey with Blurred Lines?

A greydient

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Experts are predicting a very wet day tomorrow...

They are urging cinemas showing 50 shades of grey to brace themselves.

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50 Shades of Gray

I'm not really interested in watching that film. In order to make me see it, someone would literally have to tie me up and drag me there.

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Everyone wants to see fifty shades of grey

Being colorblind fucking sucks!

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Fifty Shades of Grey.

I hear that when you go see Fifty Shades of Grey, some theaters, to go along with the theme of the film, will tie moviegoers to their chairs. It has been determined that the real reason for this is that it is the only way to get people to sit through the entire movie.

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What's Mrs. Clause's favorite romance novel?

50 shades of sleigh.

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What do new car colours and your mom's literary collection have in common?

They both only have fifty shades of grey.

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Would it be awesome if Fifty Shades movie will get...

69% on rottentomatoes?

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Forty minutes before we get to the first sex scene in Fifty Shades Of Grey?

They do beat around the bush...

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50 shades of feminism

But I said NO!

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Should I bring a box of tissues to the new 'Fifty Shades of Grey' film?

I hear it's very sad.

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Which gospel contains Jesus' parable about the shades of numbers?

Math hue.

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My dog's favorite movie is 50 Shades of Grey...

because the sex is rrruff.

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Did you hear, Henry Winker is directing the new Fifty Shades of Grey Sequel?

Yeah, it comes out next year. It's called Fifty Shades of Aaaaayyy!

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I heard they were gonna make a movie about Michael Jackson

It was gonna be titled "50 Shades of Black".

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Why fifty shades of grey, why!?

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If 50 Shades of Grey were in the NFL...

...it'd be on the Commissioner's Exempt list.

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I asked the girl I've been dating to see Fifty Shades of Grey with me this weekend, but I think she's worried were moving too fast.

She seemed concerned and said she didn't want to be tied down.

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A blind man walks into a Fifty Shades of Grey theater

takes a deep breath and says " MMM ... I guess I'm at a fish market"

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50 shades of grey

Girl 1: have you read ?
Girl 2: yep from cover to cover!
Girl 1: what about the index?
Gorl 2: tired from over use...

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What does Eminem call his window blinds?

Slim Shad-Es

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a little girl asked me what my favourite book was

I replied.
"Fifty shades of crayola,"

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What lies between 290 and 340?

Fifty shades of GRE

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You hear about that film parody of 50 Shades of Gray starring Ellen Degeneres that played like a literary classic?

It's called Dory 'N Gray.

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What book does the Queen of England read to get herself into a raunchy mood?

50 Shades of Earl Grey

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What do you call a kinky australian romance novel?

Fifty shades of G'Day

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Did you hear about the new Fairy BDSM book?

Fifty Shades of Fae.

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The Trump cabinet is truly diverse.

I counted at least 3 different shades of white in it.

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My girlfriend wanted to act out a scene from Fifty Shades of Grey

It was the scene where Christian wanted to buy Anastasia a new Audi...

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I'm writing a book about common Mexican names...

I'm gonna call it "50 Shades of JosΓ©"

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The UK title of 50 Shades of Grey

"The Sky"

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What do you call a romance between two men?

50 shades of hey

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Fifty Shades of Grey: Dog Edition

Dog Anastasia's Friend: "How did the interview go?"

Dog Anastasia: "Didn't even happen. I just couldn't figure out which one was Mr Grey"

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I read a historical erotica

It's called 50 shades of CGP Grey

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Ever hear about the elderly painter?

His hair turned fifty shades of grey

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Coming on valentines day. Fifty shades of grey.

There won't be a dry seat in the cinema.

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Is your favorite color Grey?

Because I've seen 50 Shades too many...

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What's a lesbians favorite movie?

50 Shades of Gay

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What is the equine book on BDSM entitled?

Fifty Shades of Neigh

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Have you heard they are make Fifty Shades of Red movie?

I heard its a period piece.

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Traps are gay, traps aren't gay...

I think it's all just shades of gay.

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What movie are people coming early to?

Fifty Shades Freed.

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My wife made me go to a BDSM book reading today with whole families and children.

I think the book was called fifty shades of Christ.

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What's the best way for a lady to read 50 Shades of Grey?

To flick through it as fast as possible.

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What's the deal with lampshades?

I mean if it's a lamp, why do you want shades?

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The Oscars so white I gotta wear shades.

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What do you call shades that are made in America?

Gunglasses!

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Fifty Shades of Grey was written on a Blackberry....

... that makes it a RIM job.

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Occupied with taking the virginity of virgins There is so much sex in the Quran, hadiths and tafsirs,

you'll forget 50 shades of grey
[36:55]

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I wish I could reenact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey.

Like the one where she gets a job right out of college.

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There once was an artist named Saint

Who swallowed some samples of paint
All shades of spectrum
Flowed out of his rectum
With a colorful lack of restraint

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Why does Bruce Banner have Fifty Shades of Grey on his iPhone?

Because he needs something to get him angry enough to turn him into the Hulk on short notice.

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So I just finished reading 50 Shades of Gray...

There were too many holes in the plot.

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"Fifty Shades of Grey" gives its readers unrealistic expectations.

It makes them think that Vintage Books will publish anything that gets sent to them.

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So i was thinking of making a documentary on SoundCloud Rappers...

I was gonna call it "Fifty Shades of AYE"

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My horse keeps getting aroused whenever I try and feed him

Maybe I should stop feeding him 50 shades of hay

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In my girlfriend's copy of 50 Shades of Grey I found a photo of me with the word "scumbag" written as a caption.

I guess I'm not in her good books.

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What do you get when you mix an Obama campaign slogan with Fifty Shades of Grey?

Rope and chains.

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What colour were the old man's pubes?

50 shades of grey.

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What do you call a naked old man crawling out of a coal mine?

50 shades of grey's anatomy

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What do you call the kinkiest/nastiest move from 50 Shades of Gray?

The Gray Poupon

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So I just saw the new fifty shades of grey movie

It was pretty Greyt

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George Costanza yells out in the cinema during 50 shades..

"That's gotta hurt!"

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What would the gay guy's version of 50 shades of grey be?

50 shades of heeeeey.

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All these Fifty Shades of Grey jokes...

Guys, stop, they're whore-ible.

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What's a horse's favorite book?

50 shades of hay.

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I just saw the movie 50 Shades of gray

You could say it had a huge climax.

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A Dogs Life: 50 shades of Grey

Chapter 1: The chase

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What are the best Shades puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Shades? Well, here are the best jokes about Shades to have fun with.

Joko Jokes