The Best 95 Sexy Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Sexy jokes. There are some sexy verify jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these sexy lingerie puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Sexy Jokes and Puns

My girlfriend...

... invited me to her house, I found her sister alone in the house, she was unbelievably sexy, she whispered in my ear, "i have feelings for you, shall we have sex" , I immediately turned around and walked to the front door to go to my car, I found my girlfriend standing there, she hugged me and said: "you've won my trust"... Moral of the story: always keep your condoms in the car

So I'm chatting to this 14 year old on the Internet..

She is funny, flirty, sexy and intelligent and now she's telling me she's an undercover cop, how cool is that at her age!

CPR

I popped my head over my sexy neighbour's fence today to see her lying in her bikini.

"Wow, you're gorgeous!" I burst out, "I hope you know how to do CPR."

"Why?" she asked with a giggle, "Because I've taken your breath away?"

"No," I replied. "I've just run your son over out front."

Sexy joke, CPR

Wife's at the door.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
Tie me up, she purred, and you can do anything you want.
So he tied her up and went golfing.

A middle aged lady decides to revamp her sex life with her husband.

She asks her friends what she should do and the concensus is to get some sexy lingerie and surprise him. So she goes out and buys a lacy bra and crotchless panties. That night when her husband is in bed watching TV she appears in the doorway wearing the lingerie and says 'hey big boy! Fancy some of this?', he looks over casually, his eyes widen, he sits bolt upright in the bed and shouts 'fuck no! Look what it did to your panties!'.


Wife spices things up!

A wife, worrying about the state of her marriage, decides to spice things up in the bedroom by adding some costume play. She buys a sexy supergirl outfit and when her husband is in bed slips it on. She walks out, poses seductively and says "Superpussy". Her husband, not looking up from his crossword says "I'll have the soup thanks".

A wife gets naked

…and asks her husband, 'What turns you on more! my pretty face or my sexy body?'Β 

Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, 'Your sense of humor.'

Sexy joke, A wife gets naked

My girlfriend invited me to her house...

My girlfriend invited me to her house where I found her sister alone. So I sat their waiting for my girlfriend while her unbelievably sexy sister was waiting their with me. A few minutes go by, then she comes up next to me and whispers in my ear "we should have sex before my sister comes home." I immediately got up turned around and walked to my car when I found my girlfriend standing by the door at which point she hugged me and said "you've earned my trust" Moral of the story, always keep your condoms in your car.

Sexy subjunctives...

... give you would.

sexy night

My wife started to do a striptease just for me. She asked me what should go out first.

The light.

My girlfriend started biting her lip to look sexy...

How do I tell her it's supposed to be the bottom lip?

You can explore sexy attractive reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean sexy hot dad jokes. There are also sexy puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Wife: "Hey sexy, the kids are asleep, I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear."

Me: "OK, ... the bathroom....the kitchen....your car..."

My wife told me to go out and come back with something that made her look sexy.

I came back drunk.

Sexy Math Time

So a 54 year old man cheats on his wife and leaves her a note saying that he has been sleeping with an 18 year.
The 54 year old wife reads the note, shrugs and writes one of her own.
When her husband gets home he reads the note, it says:
I know that you've been cheating on me with an 18 year old, but I have an 18 year old of my own and we all know 18 goes into 54 far more than 54 goes into 18.

I have a bumper sticker that says...

"Honk if you think I'm sexy."

Then I wait at green lights till I feel better about myself.

Twelve Italian priests...

...were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.

As he bent over to pick it up… all the other bells started to ring!

Sexy joke, Twelve Italian priests...

My boyfriend (of an 11 year age difference) said this to me the other day...

True story: My boyfriend and I were taking a walk and he happened to be wearing his reading glasses (which I find adorable).

Me: Ooh, you look like a sexy teacher in those glasses. I think I need to stay after school...

Him: Yes, I'll show you how many times 38 goes into 27.

My local drama society put on an evening of XXX Roman plays. I thought it sounded sexy so I went along. It was just 30 plays.

Why do women find the guy in 50 Shades of Grey sexy?

beats me


My wife sent me out to buy something that would make her look sexy.

So I went to the store, and came home with a case of beer.

I put the SEXY in Dyslexic.

Deal with ti

How did Jesus get those sexy messiah abs?

He did crossfit.

My SO thinks it's sexy to bite her lip...

I haven't got the heart to tell her it should be the bottom one....

Girl, you put the sexy in dyslexia.

Bert, the oldest guy at the company was retiring...

At his retirement party, as a surprise, a large cake was rolled out, and a sexy, scantly clad woman jumped out! The woman called him over and whispered, "Hey there sexy, you want some super sex tonight?"
"Well", said Bert, "that depends, what sort of soup?"

A man is kissing a tractor

A man is kissing and hugging a tractor
Another man goes up to him and says "what on earth are you doing to this tractor" the man replies explaining that him and his wife are having some marriage problems so a friend said that he should do some sexy thing to a tractor. (Attract her)

First time posting ever, sorry for any mistakes.

I went up to a sexy girl in a bar.

I said, "Would you like to come back to my place?"

"I think you should ask my boyfriend first." she smiled.

I said, "No thanks. I'm not gay."

What did the ship say to the sexy ice-berg?

I'd hit that.

My girlfriend invited me to her house where I found her sister alone.

So I sat there waiting for my girlfriend while her unbelievable sexy sister was sitting next to me. A few moments later she whispered to me:
"We should have sex while my sister isn't home."
I immediately got up and turned around to head back to my car. I find my girlfriend standing by the door, she hugged me and said:
"You've just won my trust honey!"

Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car.

My girlfriend's dad just gave me the green light.

Which was very generous, but I don't find him sexy.

There's a sexy new teacher at school

In grammar class, she asks who can say a sentence including an expression of politeness. Naughty Johnny raises his hand.

'I would be most delighted to make out with you Miss Campbell... and bang you, too!'

Miss Campbell blushes and yells:

'Out!'

Naughty Johnny gets his things and walks towards the door, when suddenly Miss Campbell says:

'Not you... the others!'

After years of hard work and dedication, I can finally say that I have that sexy body I've always wanted.

It's in my freezer.

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...

...so I got drunk.

I've just noticed the wife is wearing her sexy underwear.

This can only mean one thing.

She's behind with the laundry.

Sexy time with my girlfriend

So, me and my girlfriend are making out.
She says, "take off my shirt!"
I took off her shirt.
She then says, "take off my skirt."
I took off her skirt.
She also says "take off my shoes!"
I took off her shoes.
Finally, she says "take off my bra and panties!"
I took off her bra and panties.
She then looks at me and says "I don't wanna catch you wearing my things ever again!"

Sure... when Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer it's "sexy" and "art"

But when I do it I'm "drunk" and need to "get out of Home Depot"

One night a woman undressed in front of her husband...

"what turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?" Asked the wife

The husband looked her up an down an said, "your sense of humor."

My girlfriend told me to get something to make her look sexy for her birthday.

So I bought myself a 12 pack.

A guy goes to a particularly strange drive thru...

The menu reads

Burgers - $5
Handjobs - $10

A sexy waitress says "Can I take your order?"

"Are you the girl doing the handjobs?"

"Why yes, I am"

The man hands the waitress $10 and says "Well clean your hands, because I want two burgers."

"Honey, I think I'm ugly...."

So I pulled her infront of a mirror, stood right next to her and said:

"Darling, I mean look a that sexy smile, that beautiful hair and those eyes....Just wow. No wonder you feel ugly next to me!"

What I find most sexy in a girl is her personality

Girl: Oh good, cus I have several of those!

Guy: Uh... what?

Girl: _Shh!_ don't _listen_ to _her!_

After sexy time, the man receives a text message. The woman asks "Who's texting?"

He replies "My wife. She says she's at the movies with you."

I got on the bus and sat down next to this really sexy Thai chick.

All I could think to myself was "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection." And then she did.

A woman asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor!"

I hate it when I go to hug someone really sexy...

and my face smashes right into the mirror.

My girlfriend looked at me with her sexy eyes and said, "I want you to make me scream with your two fingers baby"

.... so I poked her in the eyes.

I have a bumper sticker saying, "Honk if you think I'm sexy".

Some days I just stay at a green light till I'm feeling good about myself.

My wife told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...

so I got alcohol, a lot of it!

Guys, I think my girlfriend might be a psychic.

Last night my phone died while I was out, so I used my brother's phone to call her.
And she answered, "What's up, sexy?" Before I even said a word!

The difference between "sexy" and "perverted"...

Q: What's the difference between "sexy" and "perverted"?

A: It's sexy if a girl let's you watch while she's stimulating her nether parts with a feather. It becomes perverted if there's a bird still attached to the feather...

Chad's wife decided to surprise him on his birthday

and to show him that she's a cool wife, she took him to a strip club.

At the club:

Bouncer: Hi Chad! How you doing tonight?

Wife: How does he know you?

Chad: We play golf together!

Bartender: Evening Chad! The usual?

Wife: And how does he know you?!

Chad: Um, he's on the bowling team!

Hot blonde stripper: Hey sexy, champagne room again tonight?

At this point the wife loses it and storms out of the club, dragging Chad with her, into a taxi.

Taxi driver: Hey Chad! Boy... You picked a fat one tonight huh? Same motel?

My wife bites her lip to look sexy

I just don't have the heart to tell her you're meant to bite the bottom lip.

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and
so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you
when we're making love,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'

Some women like flowers, others like something a little more sexy, so I've combined the two...

Hope my wife likes her daffodildo.

My wife offered to make me some sexy coupons for my birthday.

I asked her if one could be a groupon.

This pretty girl walked up to a Neanderthal, winked and said in a sexy voice Hey… is it true what they say about Neanderthal guys?

The Neanderthal screeches a high-pitched YES!! IT IS!!! Then smashes her brains in.

Weight losers

The girl's husband was getting a bit tubby round the middle, so she decided to tempt him to do something about it.

"Honey," she said, "if you lose 20 lbs, I'll do a sexy striptease for you."

Cruelly, he replied, "And if you lose 20 lbs, I'll watch."

My barber asked me what I wanted today. I replied, "I dunno. Do something that makes me look more sexy!"

So she started throwing back shots of vodka.

As I knelt down in the shoe shop with a pair of shoes in front of this sexy blonde, I couldn't resist a quick glance up her short skirt...

"Hey pervy!" she said. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts, isn't it?!"

"That's absolutely ridiculous!" I said. "I don't even work here!"

I was on a date and my girl asked me to tell her something sweet.

I said "Candy."

She said "No, I mean, something I'd like."

"Shoes."

"Noooo, something sexy."

"Your sister."

I have a bumper stick on my car that says Honk it you think I'm sexy

Then I wait at a green light to make me feel good about myself.

I put the sexy in dyslexic

Oh wait

A girl asked her boyfriend "Which do you love more, my pretty face more or my sexy body?"

Boyfriend - "I love your sense of humor most"

My wife birthday's coming up and she told me to get something that makes her look sexy...

So I bought myself a 18 pack of beer

A man was in confession asking for forgiveness at his local church.

Man: Father I have sinned.
Yesterday my wife was leaning against the sofa and she was wearing a short Dress she looked so sexy I couldn't control myself. I went up behind her and spread her legs and started ramming her from behind uncontrollably.
Priest: oh no no they don't like that sort of behaviour is heaven.
Man: No they don't like it in Walmart either.

My wife tried to be sexy by biting her lips at me...

...I didn't have the heart to tell her that you're supposed to bite your *bottom* lips

A paralyzed man says to his friend, Go upstairs and get my shoes. My feet are cold

The friend goes upstairs and sees the paralyzed man's two sexy 17 year old daughters.

He says, Your father sent me up here to have sex with you.

One of the girls replies, That couldn't possibly be true!

The man says I'll prove it and then yells towards the stairs, Both of them?

The paralyzed man yells back Of course both of them!

A married couple of 30 years are talking....

The wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor!"

My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a short trial, I was found not guilty.

A man is lying on a nudist beach wearing only a hat covering his crotch

When all of a sudden a woman passes by who remarks, "If you were even the tiniest bit of a gentleman, you would lift and tip your hat to a lady."
He replies, "If you were even the tiniest bit of a sexy woman, the hat would lift by itself."

A married couple was laying in bed one night

A married couple was laying in bed one night, when the wife turned to the husband and asks,

"What do you like best about me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

The husband turns to her and says,

"I like your sense of humor the best"

A sexy woman sits down next to a guy drinking alone at a bar

She whispers, "You look like you could use a little fun. For $100, I'll do anything you ask me to in three words or less."

The man takes a drink of his beer, then takes out $100 and says, "Paint my house."

I put a Honk if you think I'm sexy bumper sticker on my car.

My self confidence is skyrocketing!

A *TON* of people think I'm sexy at this green light right now....

My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.

She says Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.

Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.

She asks Do you want to have sex before she gets back?

I got up and went straight to my car.

My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said I knew I could trust you.

Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.

After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well...

During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the sexy play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.

Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking

An American flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board and reports it to the captain.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking! There is an extremely sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened, almost like she has no idea what is going to happen next. The man she is with is a fat old slob and old enough to be her father. He's very sleazy, very sullen and although he speaks English, it is impossible to make out what he's trying to say."

The captain sighed and replied, "look Susan, we've been through this many times before, this is Air Force One..."

Medusa must have some really sexy eyes

I mean they get everyone rock hard

If being sexy was a crime

I'd probably make bail

My wife claims that men in camouflage look really sexy.

I just don't see it.

After a horrible accident, I woke up in the hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me. She explained to me sympatheticly, You may not feel anything from the waist down. I nodded and groaned, "I understand."

So I felt her breasts…

A wife asked, "what do you like about me the most, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

The husband replied, "I like your sense of humor!"

If being sexy was a crime

Then I'd still be in jail for 34 counts of tax evasion

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.

"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

"Well, wash your fuckin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"

If being sexy was a crime

I'd be in jail for tax fraud

My wife of 25 years laughed when I said I still had the body of a sexy model.

Until she checked the deep freeze in the garage.

I told my hairdresser to make me look sexy.

She put down the hair clippers and started drinking.

My sexy neighbor told me her underwear keeps going missing from her clothes line and that shes going to report it to the police.

I almost shit her pants

What's the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire?

One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.

I encountered a milf at a bar last night

although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and sexy

we were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time

then, she asked me flirtatiously

"have you ever tried a mother-daughter threesome before?"

I said, "Nope, not yet".

She drank a little more, and said, "well, darling, tonight is your lucky night."

So she took me to her place.

She took out her keys

opens her door

turn on the light

and she yells towards upstairs

"Mom, are you still awake?

A tourist asked me for some local attractions.

So I told him that my next door neighbours are rather sexy.

An 85 year old man wanted to spice up his marriage

He went to a lingerie shop to get a sexy lingerie for his 80 year old wife. He got an expensive one and went home.

Later that night he gave it to his wife and told her to put it on. She went to the bathroom to put it on and found out that it was too small for her. She thought He does not have a great eyesight. I will go naked and he would not even know . So she entered the bedroom naked.

Her husband looked at her, squinting his eyes and muttered, Well, for the price I paid, they should have atleast ironed it .

my wife cut down our sexy time to once a month!

but i guess i should feel lucky

some guys i know she cut off completely!

My sexy date said she'd be impressed if I did something funny to the local farmer's vehicle.

I did whatever I could to a tractor.

I made a website full of sexy images of Archduke Ferdinand. It's called...

OnlyFranz

When I supported strip mining

I thought it was going to be a lot more sexy

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the sexy sketchy jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working sexy coyly piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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