Sex Personal Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a condom if I ever had sex.

He said, Any person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone else.

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year

Today's going to be great!

I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer

Me: "Ok, this isn't working out"

The average person has sex 89 times a year

My December is going to be fucking sick

Stats show the average person has sex 89 times per year

Looks like I'm in store for a wild December

Today I was offered sex by an 18 year old female...

Now I'm not gonna lie this chick was smoking hot. In exchange for the sex I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner for her. Of course I, being the great person that I am, declined because I have high moral standards and my willpower is very strong.....but not as nearly as strong as Ajax, the safe and affordable bathroom cleaner, now available in lemon and vanilla scents

Studies show that prostitutes have higher levels of oxytocin than the average person.

Oxytocin is known to increase erotic vocalizations during sex. Scientists believe that this may be an adaptation to help with pleasing their clients.

It's a very powerful whore-moan.

The average person has sex 89 times a year

This is going to be one hell of a week

I was offered sex from a 21 year old girl today

In exchange for that I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standing with strong will power. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner now available with lemon or vanilla.

When my wife and I got married,

we mutually decided to each select that one person who we'd most like to have sex with and, if by some miracle, it happened, the other wouldn't get angry. She picked Brad Pitt and I went with Uma Thurman (Uma!!). For our 20th anniversary, I thought it would be fun to change things up and she agreed. So, she picked George Clooney and I chose the next door neighbor.

I heard about this new sex position that I really want to try.

It's called:

With another person.

Someone asked me if I'd take a bullet for the last person I had sex with

I mean, obviously, anything for family

The average person has sex 90 times a year.

Man this going to be an epic new years eve!

I feel like porn has given me such unrealistic expectations for sex... for example,

having it with another person

I can't help but think that porn has given me unrealistic expectations of actual sex...

For example, having it with another person.

A young, single woman is feeling lonely

and decides to take matters into her own hands. To shy to buy a sex toy, she heads to the grocery store and picks out some scented candles, a bottle of wine, some personal lubricant and a large cucumber. She takes her items up to the till and the cashier says:

"You're single, hey?"

She blushes and looks at her purchases. "How did you know?"

"Because you're fucking hideous".

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today.

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.ο»Ώ

I almost had sex today

I just needed 1 more person

A husband and wife are talking about their relationship...

and the wife suggests they each pick one person that they can have sex with without the other getting mad. The husband agrees and lets the wife go first. She thinks about it for a bit and settles on Brad Pitt. The husband nods his head and says "The neighbor."

"Would you take a bullet for the last person you had sex with?"

"Of course, anything for family!"

Koala bear and prostitute

This is the first dirty joke I ever learned.

A koala bear walks into a brothel picks out the best looking girl and heads upstairs with her.

While up there he eats her out like a madman doing things she's never even heard of.

After about an hour he gets up heads out the door.
The girl stops him and demands payment.

The bear doesn't understand. She has him look up prostitute in the dictionary, a person who trades sex for money. Still a little confused he asks what does it say about me.

Koala bear, an Australian native animal that eats bushes and leaves.

So a man dies and goes to hell...

... And while he's sitting there, shaking and crying, the devil walks up to him and says "you there, why are you being such a baby?!"

The man responds, "I'm in hell, Satan! I'm in the worst place imaginable, the home of my deepest and darkest fears!"

The devil puts a scaly arm around him and says to the still shivering man. "Aww, Hell ain't so bad! Here, let me give you the weekly schedule. Do you like poker?"

The man wipes his nose and nods. "yeah, I had a bit of a gambling addiction when I was living."

Satan grins. "well on Mondays, we play poker. Any type, all day. And the deals on chips are absolutely fantastic! I personally guarantee that you won't run out of money."

The man stops shaking. "Well, that's not so bad, what do you do on Tuesdays?"

"Well on Tuesdays, we have all sorts of prostitutes come in. Blondes, redheads, thick, petite, you name it! I swear to you that on Tuesdays, you will be drowned in sex."

The man smiles. "That's excellent! Hell sounds like a great place to be!"

The devil leans in close. "Are you a little gay?" The man shakes his head no.

"Oh god, you're gonna hate Wednesdays."


[NSFW] A little person hits it off with a blonde at a party.

An exceptionally short, but good looking man was chatting up a tall, leggy blonde at a party.

Woman: This is you're lucky night. I've never been with a midget and want to cross it off my list. Let's go back to my place.

Man: Absolutely, just one thing. I can only have sex with the lights off.

She agrees and they go back to her place. There's just a bit of foreplay before he crawls down her, planting kisses along the way. He gets between her legs and she feels the largest penis she's ever had in her life thrust into her.

Woman: Oh God! That's so huge!

Man: If you like that, wait until I get the other leg in.

The prostitute and the gorilla

A prostitute is standing on a corner when a gorilla walks up to her. He grunts and gestures to an alley nearby. Business has been slow lately so she figures what the heck. As soon as they have some privacy the gorilla removes the prostitute's skirt and starts performing oral sex on her.

The gorilla finishes, stands up, and starts walking away. The prostitute says: "Hey! Where are you going? You need to pay me!"

The gorilla just stands there looking confused.

She pulls out her phone and Googles "prostitute" and shows him.

>a person, typically a woman, who engages in sexual activity for payment.

He takes the phone from her and Googles "gorilla" and hands it back to her.

>a powerfully built great ape with a large head and short neck, found in the forests of central Africa. It is the largest living primate. Eats bushes and leaves.

A 96 year old man goes to an addictions therapy meeting...

He listens as each person explains their addiction and then its his turn.

"Hello, my name is Bob and I have a sex addiction," he says. "I have sex at least once a day, sometimes two or three times."

"Hello Bob," says the therapist. "Glad you are here. Never too old to get help."

"Help?" says Bob, "I ain't here to get help. I just came to brag!"

A 22-year-old man and a 57-year-old woman get to know each other in a bar

Even tho the big age gap, they like each other. Later the night, she whispers into his ear "Do you want to have sex with a mother and a daughter at the same time?" Of course he agreed and when they walked home, he felt like the most luckiest person on earth. When they arrived at her place she opened the door and shouted: "Are you still awake, mom?"

Today I was offered sex

I was offered sex today, with a 21 year old girl, in exchange I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards with strong will power. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner, now available scented lemon or vanilla.

- Source - facebook though it was funny so I though I'd share.

Saint Peter is doing his daily routine...

Saint Peter is doing his daily routine at the heavenly gates when he has to pee.
Jesus comes by bringing him his daily coffee and Peter asks him to man the gates for a couple of minutes.


- Sure man, what do I have to do?

- It's not that hard , St. Peter says, You just ask a few questions about what the person has done in his life, listen to their story and let them in – or not.

So Jesus takes over, when suddenly an old man approaches.

So... who are you and what have you done in your life?

- Well, I was a carpenter, and I had a son, but he wasn't really my son, there was no sex involved, he came to life by some kind of magic, I can't explain…

Jesus is bewildered. "Can you describe your son?"

- He went on a big journey, and he had holes in his hands and feet.

Jesus is completely flabbergasted and stumbles: … Dad?

The old carpenter starts crying and screams:

[-"PINOCCHIO ??!!](/spoiler)

A young lady is in the hospital for an operation.

She says, "Doc, how long after my operation will I have to wait until I can have sex again?"

He says, "You know, Miss Kandol, you're the first person who ever asked me that before a tonsillectomy"

Multiple personality disorder has made my sex life hard...

I want to masturbate , but I'm not into orgies.

A person sees an old man crying on a park bench...

Their heart breaks for the man and they walk up so see if he's ok.

"What's matter?"

"I have a beautiful wife," says the man.

"Um, ah ok, but"

"She's young and beautiful" the man repeats and continues sobbing.

"Ok, ok but why are you crying?"

"She cleans the house, cooks delicious dinners, we even had sex ever other day"

"I'm sorry, I really don't understand why would things make you cry. Your wife sounds amazing"

"I can't remember where I live..."

A reporter is doing an article on the russian rural life-style...

...and she ends up in a small village.

The first person she interviews is an old man.

Reporter: Can you tell me anything interesting about your village?

Old man: Well there was this one time when a dog from a neighbouring village got lost in our woods... so we found it and took turns having sex with it.

The reporter now slightly scared replies: I'm afraid that's not something I can very well use, maybe something more...cheerful?

The old man replies: Very well, back in the day this very attractive woman from a neighbouring village got lost in our woods... so we found her and took turns having sex with her.

The reporter now visibly disturbed replies: That's not going to work either... maybe something sad that happened then.

The old man replies: Well there was this one time when I got lost in the neighbouring forrest...

A person who illegally exports sheep is called an owler

Unless you are from Wales, then you are a sex trafficker.

A black knight moves into a new village with only white people...

...after a year, a white girl in the village gives birth to a black child. A shepherd goes up to the knight and says: "I think you had sex with that girl, since you're the only black person in this entire village." The knight responds: "Well, sometimes weird things just happen, like your single white sheep among your heard of black sheep." The shepherd says: "Hey! You say nothing bout the sheep, I say nothing bout the baby."

My sex life is like my personal record for the number of days I've been alive

I beat it every day

The dishes

A young man goes to his girlfriend's house for dinner. On the way there she tells him about an odd family custom, the first person to speak after dinner has to do the dishes. The couple sit down to eat with the girl's parents, and when they've finished everyone sits around the table in silence. The young man doesn't want to do the dishes so he tries to create a comment by kissing his girlfriend full on the mouth. No one utters a word, so the young man puts his hands up his girlfriend's skirt. Still no one says anything. The young man pulls out all the stops: He strips his girlfriend naked and they have sex on the table. Still no one speaks. But the young man is not to be beaten. He tries again but this time strips the mother naked and has sex with her. Still no one says a word. The young man sighs. He knows he's beaten and starts to clear the table. He picks up the butter dish and the father jumps out of his chair. "Okay, okay!" he shouts. "I'll do the damn dishes!"

A person who discriminates race is racist; Sex- sexist, age- ageist, disability- ableist, religion-

Realist

A koala bear and a hooker...

A koala bear and a hooker go back to her place and they get undressed. The koala bear goes down on the hooker for three hours straight. She has multiple orgasms! After three hours he stops, gets up and puts on his little koala clothes. The woman is hanging back huffing and puffing from exhaustion.

"Oh God, that was great! Now I need my money." The koala bear just looks at her and shrugs.

Then the hooker says, "No, I need my money. I'm a hooker and this is how I make a living."

The koala bear just looks at her and continues to put on his clothes. Then the hooker gets up and runs to the bookshelf, grabs a dictionary and thumbs through it to "hooker." She hands it to the koala bear and it reads:

"HOOKER: person who has sex for money."

Then the koala bear turns the page to "koala bear" and walks out the door. The hooker reads:

"KOALA BEAR: Furry Mammal That Eats Bushes and Leaves."

Apparently the average person has sex 83 times a year

This is going to be a fucking brilliant week

Doing The Dishes

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES"

A little girl and a little boy are arguing about differences between the sexes, he arguing that boys are inherently better and she that girls are.

The subject, of course, spills over into the personal realm, so that the real issue is which of the two children is superior. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, Here's something I have that you'll never have!

The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is quite clearly true. She turns and runs home.
A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants, and says, My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!

Marriage Decisions

A man has been keeping 3 girlfriends, and can't decide which one to marry, so he sets us a challenge. He gives each girlfriend $1000.00 and sees what they do with it.

The first one goes out and buys a lot of fashion items. She gets the best make up, amazing skin care lotion, a personal stylist, and the most expensive perfume on the market. When the man next sees her, the new look takes his breath away, and they have wild sex all night.

The man then gives the money to his second girlfriend. She goes out and buys a 60 inch High Definition T.V, an all seasons pass to the man's favorite football team, and an autographed jersey of a Hall of Fame quarterback. When he goes to her again, they enjoy a cozy night of watching sports and chatting before falling asleep in each other's arms.

His third girlfriend invests the money the man gave her. After only 3 days, she triples his initial investment and gives him a complimentary golf set that she got as part of her deals.

When the test was over, the man reviews the way the girls spent the money. Realizing that all the girls are special in their own way, and after lots of confusion and deciding, he picks the one with the biggest tits.

A farmer who does not read very well lives in a small town

Whenever he comes across a word he doesn't know, he writes it down and shows it to the pastor at the end of mass on Sunday. One day he hands him his list, and the pastor defines each one patiently and carefully so that he can understand, but gets a little embarrassed when he sees the last one. "Come on don't be shy. What does bestiality mean?" asks the man. The pastor says, "It's when a person has intimate relations with an animal, such as a goat, a horse, or a chicken." "That's disgusting!" says the farmer. "How do you have sex with a chicken?!"

What's the difference between sex and a corporation?

In sex the person on top does most of the work

A bar had a promotional challenge...

... in which a person had to go through 3 rooms and finish the task related with each room. The person who could go through all three rooms would win $10,000. The task associated with the rooms were as followed:

First room: drink 10 liters of tequila.

Second room: Kill a tiger with your bear hands.

Third room: have sex with a woman until she dies from it.

Many people would try the challenge but no one could get through any of the doors. Until this one brave man came along. He goes into the room with the tequila first and drinks all ten liters. Then he comes out and goes into the room with the tiger. Instantly the people outside hear vicious tiger noises coming from the room. But as the time passes the tiger noises calm down to moans and then they stop. At which point the man comes out of the rooms and says, "alright now were is the woman I have to beat to death?"

Someone just asked me if I'd take a bullet for the last person I had sex with

Sure, she's a bitch, but of course I'd take a bullet for my cousin.

Sex over Walkie Talkie

Person 1: Bend over

Person 2: Bend what? Over

Dear Headphones,

Please stop having wild sex in my pockets.

Sincerely,

Person who is tired of untangling

Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock climbing

You should never look down

What does a car and a person seeking a sex change have in common?

a transmission

A bartender notices one of his regulars at the bar looked depressed, so he strikes up a conversation

What's got you down? the bartender asks.

Well, the man says sheepishly, I got fired for having sex with my boss's daughter.

You old dog, the bartender chuckles. I understand why he'd be upset, but i would think what you do on your personal time is none of his business. Did you even know she was his daughter?

Not at all! He says. I didn't even know he had a daughter at that grade school.

Chronic headaches treatment

A man visits a doctor about chronic headaches. The doctor prescribes some medication, and says to the man: "Stress is the source of your headaches. Myself, I do have a lot of stress, and there's nothing better than sex with my wife. [laughing]". Finally, the doc schedules the man for a checkup visit the following month, and the man leaves.

Next month, the man returns, and the doctors inquires if his condition has changed. The man says: "The treatment you prescribed really made a difference. I feel like a new person. Thank you." The man, gets up and is about to exit. On the way out he says: "By the way doc, you have a beautiful home."

What do you get when you have sex with an STD infested mentally challenged person?

The slow clap

A special group of polar bears that live in the Arctic and Antarctic have been seen with dual personalities and sexual attraction to both sexes..

I guess you could say they're Bi-polar bipolar bi polar bears.

When someone has sex with an animal...

They're committing bestiality.

But when an animal has sex with a human, isn't that just personality?

What do you call an obese person that gets a sex change?

A trans fat

I wish sex was like first aid...

..consent is implied if the person is unconscious

A man running from the police runs into the Catholic church and hides in confession box..

Another person enters the other side and says "Forgive me Father for I have sinned"

The man not wanting to get caught says, "What have you done my daughter?"

She says, "I have had anal sex with my boyfriend, I know sex is for making children, please forgive me . What is my penance?"

The man not knowing what to say, quickly opens his side of the confession box and sees a choir boy walking by , "Hey Kid what does the Priest give for anal sex?"

He responds, "A can of pop and a bag of chips"

What's the difference between a theatre-snack muncher and a person who watches police sex scenes?

One likes popcorn, the other likes cop-porn.

A little kid learns some new words.

There is a 4 year old kid, now obviously, he doesn't know any bad words, it is the day before Thanksgiving. His family is coming over to visit tomorrow so his parents have sex that night. Things got pretty intense and the child hears the word "bitch." The next day, the child asks his mom what bitch meant. Shocked, she said it meant "a beautiful person." Later, his dad is shaving and getting ready for the family, but he cuts himself with the razor, he says "shit!" The son hears him again, he asks, "what does shit mean?" The dad says it means "shaving." After, the mom is cutting the turkey, she slices her hand a little and exclaims, "Fuck!" The child asks, what fuck means. She says it means "to carve." Suddenly, the doorbell rings and the mom asks the son to get it, it is his grandparents, the son says. "Hi, bitches! Hang your things over here on this hanger. My dad is in the bathroom because he cut himself while shitting and my moms in the kitchen fucking the turkey.

I don't understand why so many people like anal sex.

Personally, it left a bad taste in my mouth.

Apparently, having sex with a condom...

is not as good as having sex with a person.

My wife recently asked me: "Hypothetically speaking, if you could have sex with any person in the world, whether real or fictional, who would you choose?"

Apparently, 'Karen' was not the right answer.

It's a Jewish man's 95th birthday

His friends decided last minute they would get him a stripper. The only person available was about 70 years old.

At his party, the stripper, tassels at her knees, was giving the old man a lap dance when she said,

"Ooh baby. I'm gonna give you some supa sex tonight!" To which he replied,

"I'll have the soup"

What do you call a person that steals something on impulse? A kleptomaniac. What do you call a person that has sex on impulse? A nymphomaniac. What do you a person that's both?

A fuckin thief.

The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those tiny give away gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize these key "signs." (Lighter side of dating)

1. Man gets in car without opening door for woman.
**meaning:** No foreplay.

2. Can't hail a cab.
**meaning:** Impotent.

3. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant.
**meaning:** Prefers virgins.

4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant, but gets lost on the way.
**meaning:** He is a virgin.

5. Wants to go to a French Restaurant.
**meaning:** Will swallow.

6. Takes too long deciding what to order.
**meaning:** Has trouble reaching orgasm.

7. Insists on ordering for you, saying, "The lady will have..."
**meaning:** Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't.

8. Asks for "the usual"
**meaning:** Insists on missionary position only.

9. Asks what the specials are.
**meaning:** Will want you to use handcuffs.

10. Fills up on bread and crackers.
**meaning:** Premature ejaculator.

11. Drinks decaf.
**meaning:** Fakes orgasms.

12. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts.
**meaning:** Needs you to talk dirty during sexΛ™.

13. Credit card is refused.
**meaning:** Low sperm count.

14. Under tips waiter.
**meaning:** Small penis.

15. Uses toothpick.Λ™
**meaning:** Is trying to tell you size isn't everything.

Theresa May goes to see a sex therapist.

"Hello, Theresa. May I ask you a personal question?"

Theresa says, "Of course."

"Have you made love in the past two months?"

"No," replies Theresa. "But I've recently been fucked."

Best-fitting phrase for the act of having sex with a little person?

Cumming up short?

If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with two people is called a twosome, what is sex with one person called?

Handsome.

( Ν‘Β° ΝœΚ– Ν‘Β°)

I figured out why homosexual men are called gay

Imagine how happy you'd be having a meaningful conversation and sex with the same person.

Who's the only person known to have had sex with OP's mom?

Sheriff Andy Taylor

[META] What would you think about a monthly "best joke" thread?

I mean, a thread created once a month where everyone submits their best jokes. I think it could work out nicely if done correctly.

The main problem to be addressed would be repetition (without restrictions we could easily end up with identical threads every month). For that reason, it may be better to have a different theme every month (politically incorrect, technical, sex, short jokes, old jokes, antijokes, etc.) with maybe a generic thread once a year.

It occurred to me because some days I'm in the mood for reading many jokes in a row, but scrolling down and clicking on the most liked jokes with a title that seemingly matching the topic I'm looking for at the time doesn't always feel optimal.

What would you guys think? I could start the threads myself if you like the idea (the monthly topic could be decided by most voted comment in a different thread a few days before, or by the person with the most voted joke of the previous month).

If I had $1.00 for each person I had sex with, I would pay my rent

But just because I'm currently homeless

What do you call a person who loves having sex with a black corpse.

A Negrophiliac.

2018

2016 - your favourite famous person is dead

2017 - your favourite famous person is a sex offender

- your favourite famous person is RUSSIAN.

The three main criteria for dating websites are as follows

-Age
-Sex
-Location

But I think this needs to change badly, as I personally don't condone under-age sex

The anti-vaccine campaign is like having sex with a mentally disabled person.

It's fucking stupid.

They say the average person has sex 82 times a year....

......I guess I'm going to be busy as hell for the next four days.

If you could have sex with one person you've had sex before..

would it be with your right or left hand?

What do you call it when you have sex with an african person twice?

Rebony

Rich person phone sex

Hey baby, who are you wearing?

In a parallel universe, Donald Trump, Barack Obama, and Hillary Clinton were applying to be a president.

They had to fill out a form. The form asked for their name, sex, birthday, address, religion and so on plus a few essay questions.

Trump wasn't sure how to answer some questions because they seemed too personal, so he peeked at Hilary's form. He saw the first line which said Name: Hilary Clinton. Sex: F. Birthday: Oct 26, 1947.

He then peeked at Obama's form and only saw the top part that said Name: Barrack Obama. Sex: M. Birthday: Aug 4, 1961.

Trump smirked and proudly filled out his form where he wrote Name: Donald Trump. Sex: MWF.

Who was the first person ever to have sex with OPs mom?

Sheriff Andy Taylor of Mayberry

What are the funniest sex personal jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Sex Personal? Well, here are the best Sex Personal puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Sex Personal pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes