Sex Jokes

funny jokes about sex and hilarious stories

BEST SEX JOKES

Sex jokes and pranks to have fun with friends and family. Top 10 jokes about Sex of all time along with the funniest sex gags ever told.

My favourite sex position is called "WOW" ...
It's where I flip your MOM over

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If having sex for money makes you a whore...
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?

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When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.

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My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic
I refused. If I'm going to have sex, its going to be on my own Accord

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I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex, my wife screamed at me. I'm really disappointed.
You can hardly blame me, I answered. It's not like I was getting any from you.


Well, that's your own fault, she replied. You never told me you were willing to pay for it.

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What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?
Micro trans-action

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Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

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Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?
[Twice removed]

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A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all. Boob: I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest.
Now it's your turn to speak.

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When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a condom if I ever had sex.
He said, Any person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone else.

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LATEST SEX JOKES

What did Bruce Banner get after having sex with as prostitute?
a HULK RASH!!!!

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What do you call two black people having sex?

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Terrible one-liner I came up with while on autopilot at work.
I'm not saying I'm a sex guru, but I know most of the ins and outs

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Why don't old people have sex? NSFW
Have you ever pulled grilled cheese apart?

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Sex Joke
So an egg walked up to a sperm and said, "You cum here often."

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"Don't knock masturbation..."
"It's sex with someone you love."... Woody Allen.

Moar...

'Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damn good.'

And lastly...

'My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.'

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When it comes to sex, when is a man the smartest? Before, during or after sex?
During. Because your plugged into a "know it all."

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So a Rabbi is having sex with his newly-wed wife...
His wife lies on top of him and says

"I want you to fuck me so hard."

Surprised, the Rabbi replies,

"Out of what?"

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My girlfriend told me pissing during sex prevents pregnancy...
She was right! She isn't pregnant, just pissed and wet!

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My girlfriend told me peeing after sex prevents pregnancies...
I don't know what I did wrong. I peed as hard as I could right after sex and she still got pregnant.

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What do you get when you cross a female tyrannosaur with a male tyrannosaur?
Tyrannosaurus Sex!


*I apologize deeply, I'm so...so sorry*

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Why do hippos only have sex in the water?
How else do you get a two-ton pussy wet?

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Confessions in bed
A guy's been having an affair for a long time and decides it's time to confess it to his wife.
He couldn't find the right time, and in the middle of having sex with her, in the heat of the moment, he tells her "I have another one".
She replies "put that one on my ass"

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Have you ever seen a ghost?
An expert in psychic phenomena is giving a conference to a group in Dublin. The speaker asks, "If I may be so bold, has anyone here ever seen a ghost?"

Some people raise their hands. "Good" he says. "Now, has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Again, a few people raise their hands. "Excellent. I see we have an experienced group! But... Has anyone here ever had sex with a ghost?"

One little man at the back raises his hand. Intrigued, the speaker says, "Good grief! Do you mean to say you've actually had sex with a ghost?"

"Oh, a ghost?" says the man, "I thought you said a GOAT."

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What does the first lady say after bad sex?
Thanks Obama.

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I asked a Chinese girl for her number...
And she said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629

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What's the maximum velocity while having sex?
68, cause at 69 you flip over

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Mark meets a nice lady during a party, and they finished the night having sex at Mark's house.
When they finish the girl says

- Hey, you don't have AIDS, no?

- No! Of course?

- Ok, thanks, it will be terrible to become infected twice in the same week.

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I really hate butt sex
It's a real pain in the ass

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Sterotype hot horny blonde goes to a bar
She was like having no sex for month and she just urged for a huge cock. So the girl walks up to some black stud that looks just well equiped enough for her needs and starts to flirt. One things come to another and 30 minutes later they're walking down the road to her place. In lustful anticipation she looks up to him and asks: "So... Is... Is it true what they say, well you know, what they say about black men?". Black guy smirks "I'm sorry hunny, but yes", snatches her purse and runs off.

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SEX JOKES THAT ARE...

Sex jokes can be funny or dirty, insulting of disgusting. Most of them are suitable for kids and family.

BEST SHORT JOKES

Short jokes about sex, one liners, thoughts and captions that are funny and will make you laugh.

My favourite sex position is called "WOW" ...
It's where I flip your MOM over

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If having sex for money makes you a whore...
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?

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When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.

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My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic
I refused. If I'm going to have sex, its going to be on my own Accord

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What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?
Micro trans-action

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Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

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Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?
[Twice removed]

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A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all. Boob: I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest.
Now it's your turn to speak.

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When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a condom if I ever had sex.
He said, Any person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone else.

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It's strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education...
According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.

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BEST DIRTY JOKES

Dirtiest of all sex jokes and riddles.

Dirty Joke
My sex life with my wife has started degrading.

Guess it's time to Bury her corpse

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The pope is dying...
of a new and terrible disease. The only cure, according to the Vatican's top physician, is for his holiness to engage in the down and dirty. To survive his ailment, the Pope must have sex. To not do so means certain death. He refuses at first, horrified at the thought. But slowly, the bishops convince him that it could be kept quiet, and no one would ever know. Finally the pope relents, but only under the condition the bishops find a special woman for the job. "She must have these three qualities, or God will never forgive me." "Yes, Holiness. Of course. What is the first quality?" "She must be blind, so that she can't see to whom she is making love." The bishops nod in agreement. "That is most wise, oh Pope. And the second quality?" "She must be a good Catholic woman, without a husband." "But of course! Wise and good is your wish, oh holy one. And the third quality?" "Big titties."

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A joke about Viagra my grandfather told me. Slightly dirty.
A woman walks into a pharmacy and goes directly to the pharmacist.

Woman: Excuse me sir, my husband is having trouble getting hard and it's really affecting our sex life. Is there anything you'd recommend?

Pharmacist: Yes, I would recommend Viagra. It helps increase the blood flow to the penis, therefore it will be easier to get an erection.

Woman: Oh I see! And this is an expensive drug?

Pharmacist: Not at all, it only costs $10.00 a pill.

Woman: Very good! Can you get it over the counter?

He looks down or a few seconds...

Pharmacist: Well if I took a couple of them I probably could

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Dirty old man
An old man was sitting on a bench when a teenager with a rainbow mohawk walked by. The old man stared at him. Seeing him star, the teenager said "What's the matter old-timer, never done anything crazy in your life?" The old man replied "Many years ago, I got drunk at a wild party and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering whether you were my son."

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What do you and your shower have in common? You both get wet when I turn you on.

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3 Dirty/Dark jokes...
* How do you make a five year old cry twice?

*Wipe your dick off on their teddy bear*


* What's the best part of having sex with twenty seven year olds?

*There's twenty of them*

-This last one is a quick story a friend of mine uses to break awkward moments at the bar-

* "So I'm doing this guy in the ass, right? I mean we're really going at it. Then, when I go for the reach-around, the fucking faggot has a boner! I mean how gay is that!"

Tip your waitresses!

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The teacher asked Johnny, "What is sex?"
Johnny stood up and said: "Sex is a temptation caused my a sensation where a boy sticks his location into a girls destination to increase the population of the next generation"
The teacher stared at him and fainted.

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Vagina - the box a penis comes in.

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A couple are having sex...
She is riding him like a bull,

he's just staring at the ceiling,

She yells:" Say something dirty to me!"

He says : " Kitchen"

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Life is like oral sex, one slip of the tongue and you're in the shit.

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BEST BLACK HUMOR JOKES

Dark humor, gallows humor and black comedy jokes about sex.

My previous girlfriend had this weird sleeping disorder - in the middle of every night she would wake up and suck my dick.
No wonder her dad did not want her to move out.

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Heres what you do:
1. Dinner
2. Kiss
3. Movie
4. Sex
5. Bring her back home
6. Get paid 15 bucks for babysitting

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Q: How is spinach like anal sex?
A: Chances are if you're forced to have it as a child you are probably going to hate it as an adult.

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A man goes to the doctor and says "I need birth control for my 10 year old daughter"
The doctor replies "She's 10 years old and sexually active?"
The man says" Active? Hell no! Most of the time se just lies there and cries."

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Lifting weights have really helped me with the ladies - the last five I raped didn't stand a chance.

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What do spinach and anal sex have in common?
If you're forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

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Girl: "Do you believe in puppy love?"
Boy: "I tried it once, but their assholes are too small."

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Q: What's the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?
A: There are twenty of them.

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Two bums are sitting talking.
The first one starts bragging, "Today was the best day ever!
This morning I found a brand new pack of smokes just sitting on the ground.
So you know what I did? I sat and smoked every fucking one of them... had the best day ever."
The second bum just laughs,
"That's nothing, today I was walking along the rail road tracks and I found this girl laying on the tracks.
You know what I did?
I fucked her all day long."
The other bum interrupts, "Bull!
You didn't do it all day long did you?", the other continues, "Well, no but it was for at least a few good hours, best day of my life."
The first bums asks, "So did she give you a good blowjob?"
The other replies no.
"How could you possibly be getting busy with this girl for hours, and she doesn't even give you a blow job?"
To which the other replies, "How could she? She didn't have a head!"

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Come on guys, I think we are a little tough on pedophiles, they have a hard time fitting in.

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BEST GAY JOKES

Some of the best jokes about homosexual behavior and gay people involving in sex practices.

If a woman has sex with 10 different men, she's considered a slut, but if a man does the same thing...
...he is gay. Definitely gay.

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I have never understood a true dilemma..
Two men are having a drink in a bar. One says:
"You know, I've never really understood what a dilemma is..."

"Let me tell you a story," says the other man, "Imagine you wake up in a bed with two people next to you. To your left is an incredibly beautiful woman willing to have sex with you, and to your right is a very horny gay man."

"So where's the dilemma?" replies the first man.

"To whom do you turn your back?"

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What is a dilemma?
Two men are having a drink in a bar. One says: "You know, I've never really understood what a dilemma is..."

"Let me tell you a story," says the other man, "Imagine you wake up in a bed with two people next to you. To your left is an incredibly beautiful woman willing to have sex with you, and to your right is a very horny gay man."

"So where's the dilemma?" replies the first man.

"To whom do you turn your back?"

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Dilemma
For those of you who have a hard time understanding what the word "dilemma" means, let me give you an example.

You're lying in the middle of a kingsize bed, with on your left side the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. She's naked, and she really wants to have sex with you. On your right side, however, lies a horny as fuck gay dude. Who are you going to turn your back on? *That*'s a dilemma.

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Role play
John and Dave have been on a deserted island for over 2 years. Missing sex John proposes an idea.
"Look Dave, I know we're not gay but if you pretend to be a woman for me and let me sex you up I will do the same for you."
Dave agreed and John began to ram Dave's asshole. Dave was being a good sport and did his best to moan like a woman. After John finished Dave said "Ok your turn"
"Fuck off, I have a headache Dave."

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Two guys were trapped in a desert island.. NSFW
A lot of time went by and they were starting to feel a little horny. So one said to the other

-Man, i never had any gay sex before..not sure i feel comfortable about it..

-Ok, since both of us never had gay sex before and neither of us wants to get fucked, lets play a game. I will ask you a question, If you get it right, I let you fuck me. And if youre wrong, I fuck you. Deal?

-Ok, deal.

-What animal is small and furry and goes "meow"?

-A crocodile

-Correct!

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After sex, a lot of people like to smoke a cigarette.
As a gay man, me and my boyfriend smoke weed after sex. After all, in the bible it says "if a man lies with another man, he should be stoned."

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I hate double standards. If a woman has sex with loads of men she's a slut.
but when i do it that makes me gay?

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An Italian, a rich guy, and a gay guy die and go to Hell...
... and the devil makes a deal with each of them. To get into Heaven, he will send them back to Earth to live out the rest of their lives without the thing they desire the most.

The Italian can never eat Italian food again, the rich guy can't have any money, and the gay guy can't have sex with men. *poof* They are all sent back to Earth.

The Italian guy happens see an Italian restaurant and can't help himself. He goes inside and orders a big plate of spaghetti and eats it all. When he finishes, *poof* the Italian guy goes to Hell.

The rich guy is homeless in tattered clothes. He doesn't have a cent to his name. One day while walking down the road he spots a shiny new quarter on the ground. He bends over to pick it up when *poof* the gay guy ends up in Hell.

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Bum wine
A gay guy walking down the street, really down in the dumps over his sex life, overhears a bum in an alley say to another bum "whenever I get good and drunk, I can't remember a thing. I mean, it doesn't even take much and I am just out cold, dead to the world".
Upon hearing this, the gay guy gets an idea. He leaves 10 dollars in the homeless man's cup and walks away. Now this guy hadn't seen so much as a dollar in weeks so the first thing he does is go to the corner store and buys a bottle of wine. He slams it down, and passes out in his alley. The gay guy, waiting for this, jumps at the chance to release a little sexual frustration and just goes to town on this guy. Come to find out, it's the best sex he's ever had. So he finishes, leaves 20 dollars in the mans cup and heads home.
The homeless guy wakes up with no recollection of the evening and 20 dollars in his cup. Ecstatic, he goes and buys 20 dollars worth of wine. Once again, he passes out and the gay guy swings by to get his rocks off.
This continues for a few days until he's leaving 100 dollars in the cup when he leaves. The homeless man heads to the corner store again and slams 100 dollars down on the table. The clerk says "100 dollars worth of wine, coming right up". Homeless guy says "no, no, no, lemme get a 100 dollars worth of whiskey. I don't know what's up with that wine you sell here, but goddamn it makes my ass hurt."

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BEST SEXIST JOKES

Best sexist jokes about men, women and feminist jokes.

The Sexist Professor
The anthropology professor was well known for making sexist comments and jokes in class much to the dismay of the feminist female students. The women students got together outside class and decided that after the next sexist comment from the professor they would stand up and walk out of class in solidarity.
The next day the professor, while lecturing on a certain African tribe, said: " and you ladies will be glad to know that the average penis size of the tribesmen is 12 inches!"
At that moment all the women in the class stood up and began filing out. The professor then said: "Wait! Wait ladies! The next flight to Nairobi doesn't leave until tomorrow morning!"

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Being a sexist doesn't bother me at all.
The only people that will call me a sexist are women and their opinion doesn't matter.

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sexist joke
Why is a woman like a condom?
Because they both spend more time in your wallet then on your dick.

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What did the sexist man say when his girlfriend asked for his coat?
If you can't stand the cold, stay in the kitchen.

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A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch.

A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

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How do you get a dishwasher to dig a hole? Give the woman a shovel!

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Girl: "Girls are better than boys."
Boy: "Then why did God make boys first?"
Girl: "Duh, you have to have a rough draft before the final copy."

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Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: "We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!"

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After I have sex, I like my woman like my mailbox. Outside my house!

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How did the medical community come up with the term "PMS"? "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

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WHAT ARE SEX JOKES ABOUT?

Sex is if great topic to laugh at. Some of the funniest jokes ever are about sex.

Are Sex jokes funny? For sure! There is no such thing as boring sex joke here. All jokes are funny in their own way. You can also read sex jokes images on Pinterest or watch videos with sex jokes on YouTube.

TOP WIFE JOKES THAT ARE SEX

Best sexual jokes about wives some of which about love, masturbation, sex, other are dirty, fat or rude.

I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex, my wife screamed at me. I'm really disappointed.
You can hardly blame me, I answered. It's not like I was getting any from you.


Well, that's your own fault, she replied. You never told me you were willing to pay for it.

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Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

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I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex, my wife screamed at me.
I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex, my wife screamed at me. I'm really disappointed. You can hardly blame me, I answered. It's not like I was getting any from you. Well, that's your own fault, she replied. You never told me you were willing to pay for it.

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I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...

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We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.
I have no idea who let her into my office.

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I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.
Zero fucks were given.

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My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation."
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive

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Guy walks into a bar with a gun and snarls who had sex with my wife!!!
A guy in the back replies

You don't have enough bullets

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I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!
Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!

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I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.

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Deaf Sex
Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

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My wife told me "Sex is better on holiday".
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

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A translated Norwegian joke
Two guys meets in the middle of nowhere, trying to find their wives.
They decide to help each other out, by describing their wives.

The first man goes on: "My wife is tall, well fit, blonde, got big firm breasts, thight bouncy ass, a massive lust for sex and a face of a model. How about yours"?

The second man replies: "She can go F**k herself, lets search for yours instead!"

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Robin Williams' Favorite Joke
Guy's having sex with his wife. All of a sudden he looks over, and there in the doorway is his son, about eight years old. Kid looks horrified, and the kid runs away. The guy says to his wife, ''Well, I'd better talk to Timmy.''

He puts on his clothes and goes to Timmy's room. He opens the door , and there's Timmy nailing Grandma. The father goes ''Oh, my God!'' And the kid goes, ''Not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"

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My wife said she wanted to have sex in the backseat of the car
and she wanted me to drive

-The late Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004)

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I tried erotic suffocation on the wife the other night when we were having sex.
She obviously didn't like it. She's been lying there for 5 days now giving me the silent treatment!!

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A man goes up to his wife...
He holds out his hand offering her two aspirin and a glass of water.

She says with a puzzled look on her face "But I don't have a headache?"

He replies with a smirk on his face "good! We can have sex then."

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The Mexican maid askes for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

Wife: "Now Juanita, why do you want a pay increase?"

Juanita: "Well, SeΓ±ora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you do."

Wife: "Who said that you iron better than me?"

Juanita: "Your husband said so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Juanita: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense. Who said you were a better cook than I am?"

Juanita: "Your husband did."

Wife, becoming increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

Juanita: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you are."

Wife, seething now, and through gritted teeth: "And did my husband say that as well?"

Juanita: "No SeΓ±ora.......the gardener did."

Wife: "Oh, ok! So, how much do you want?"

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As a man in his 70s I still manage to have sex with my wife almost every day...
Almost Monday, almost Tuesday....

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SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE
John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?
Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?

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Headaches
A man and his wife are getting into bed for the night. The man brings a glass of water and a bottle of aspirin to the bedroom and sets it down on his wife's nightstand. She asks him "What's that for?" to which the man replies "That's for your headache." "Headache? I don't have a headache..." The man responds "Well then, looks like we're having sex tonight!"

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on the eve of our anniversary....
On the eve of our anniversary my wife and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex.

Come the morning I was up first so I slowly pulled back the covers...

... and stuck my cock in her mouth.

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So a guy walks into a bar with a gun...
Who had sex with my wife!!?

A man shouts from the back, *you don't have enough bullets bro*!

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nsfw Wife's New Panties
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex life. She puts them on, along with a short skirt and sets on the sofa opposite her husband. At certain moments during the game, she would uncross her legs, just long enough for her husband to see. Finally after a number of times he asks "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" "Yesss." she says smiling seductively "Thank God." he says "I thought you were sitting on the cat."

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What do you call a man that as sex with his 9 year old wife?
The holiest Prophet of Islam.

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A man and his wife were laying in bed when aliens abducted them...
A man and his wife were laying in bed when aliens abducted them. Upon arriving on the alien ship, they were greeted by a male alien and a female alien.

"Do not fear humans, we come with a proposition for you. My wife and I have decided that we would like to have sex with humans, to see what it is like."

So after talking it over for a bit, the man and his wife agreed and were taken into separate rooms. The male alien goes on to tell the wife, "You are in full control here. If you want me to go faster, just push or pull my ears. If you want my dick to get bigger, tap me on the head."

It was the most exhilarating sexual experience the wife ever had, getting exactly what she wanted. After they were done the alien sent the wife down to her house where her husband was waiting.

"How was your experience babe?" she asks.

"It was going great, until that bitch grabbed my ears and started punching me in the head."

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2 Guys in a Bar
2 guys in a bar.

John: "I have sex with my wife once a month"

Jack: "We do it twice a week"

John: "But Jack, you're not even married!"

Jack: "Oh, I thought we were talking about your wife"

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Two old men sit on a bench (NSFW)
Two old men sit on a bench chatting about their relationships. The first man moans how his wife never wants sex and has been turning him down for years.

He eventually turns to the other man and sighs,

"Well, anyway, how's that new wife of yours?"

The second man breathes deeply and looks down at the ground,

"Terrible", he replies, "just terrible"

"Oh, how so?"

The second man turns and looks almost tearful in his confession.

"Well she's 22, blonde, huge tits and always wanting sex! And I mean it's just constant. Suck and fuck and suck and fuck and suck and fuck..."

The second man becomes quiet as the first man stares in disbelief, finally the first man has to open his mouth.

"Well that sounds amazing! What's so terrible about that!"

The second man looks to the sky wistfully...

"I can't remember where I live..."

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Tug it
A couple is laying in bed. The man turns to his wife and says "Honey, I think we should work out a system to determine whether you want to have sex. On any given night, reach over, and grab my cock. If you want to have sex, give it a tug. And if you don't want to have sex, tug it 100 times."

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Aids or Alzheimer's
A man takes his wife to the doctor. The doctor says "Well, its either aids or alzheimers."

"What do you mean?" the guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"

"Well, the two look a lot alike in the early stages." said the doctor, "Tell you what, drive her way out into the country. Once your there kick her out of the car. If she finds her way back, don't have sex with her."

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An old guy walks into a church...
"- Father, I'm 92 years old, am married to a 70 year old wife and have 3 children, 7 grandchildren and 6 great-grandchildren. Yesterday, I gave a ride to 2 young college girls; they were beautiful, nice, modern, you know? After a little chit chat we stop by a motel. I had sex with each one of them 3 times."

The priest remains silent for a few moments, but seeing that the old guy doesn't have anything else to say, he asks:

"- Are you regretful of your sins?"

"- What sins?"

"- What kind of catholic are you?!"

"- Catholic? Me? I'm an atheist."

"- Then why come here and tell me that story?"

"- I'm telling everybody."

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Wife told me this one today. How do you tell if a mechanic just had sex?
Two of his fingers are clean.

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A maid asks for a raise and the wife gets upset.
A maid asks for a raise and the wife gets upset.

She asks, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Helen: "No, the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

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"With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...
Yes, three times in 35 years"

-Bob Monkhouse

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You have some explaining to do...
A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom.
He'd only have sex with the lights off.
The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good.
However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light.
She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand.
There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do."
The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".

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68
A man urges his wife to try a new sex position - The . Curious, she asks about what romantic and exotic position her husband wants to try. "Well honey" he answers, "it's quite simple, you give me a blow job, and I owe you one"

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Sexy Math Time
So a 54 year old man cheats on his wife and leaves her a note saying that he has been sleeping with an 18 year.
The 54 year old wife reads the note, shrugs and writes one of her own.
When her husband gets home he reads the note, it says:
I know that you've been cheating on me with an 18 year old, but I have an 18 year old of my own and we all know 18 goes into 54 far more than 54 goes into 18.

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A deaf couple in bed with the lights out are...
A deaf couple in bed with the lights out are having trouble communicating to each other about whether or not they want to have sex. The husband has tried on a few nights, when the wife just isn't in the mood.

The wife decides that they need to have a system, so that they will know, in the dark, whether sex is an option for that night.

The wife explains to the husband, "If you're not in the mood for sex, squeeze my breasts once; if you're in the mood, squeeze them twice."

The husband agrees that this is a great idea, and suggests to her, "If you're in the mood for sex, pull on my penis once. If you're not in the mood for sex, pull on my penis 300 times."

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Hung Chow Calls into work and says "Hey boss, I no come into work today, I really Sick...
I got Headache, stomachache, and my legs hurt. I no come to work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and i go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

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My wife said she wanted to have sex like in the movies..
..so I fucked her in the arse and came on her face and in her hair.

I guess we don't watch the same movies.

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My wife says we should spice up our sex life with some stuff from 50 Shades of Gray.
First, she wants me to become a billionaire.

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A man with a gun enters a bar...
..."Who had sex with my wife?" he snarled.

A muffled voice heard in the background said, "You don't have enough bullets for that mate."

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The deaf newlyweds
A deaf couple are newly married and are trying to figure out intimate relations. While the lights are out, the husband and wife keep misinterpreting signals for sex since there is no lighting.

One day, the wife decided they needed a way to signal each other during the night if they want sex or not. The wife suggests the husband squeeze her left breast once if he wants sex, and the right breast twice if he does not.

The husband thought this was a great idea. The husband said the wife should pull his penis once if she wanted sex, and pull it 50 times if she did not.

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The art of sex [NSFW]
An English man, French man and Irish man are discussing the art of sex.
The English man says "after I have sex with my wife i kiss her neck, she rises two feet off the bed with pleasure"
The Frenchman says "well, after I make love to my wife I kiss her from head to toe, whispering sweet nothings to her, and she rises 6 feet off the bed in pure ecstasy"
The Irish man says "well, after I bang my missus I get up, wipe my knob on the curtains and she hits the fucking roof!"

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A guy walks into a bar...
A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.

The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp. "Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened".

Yeah it did, he said. "I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend."

The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. "This one's on the house". The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ?

" The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag's and get out !"

"What about your friend ?" asks the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG"

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Chinese sick leave.
Hung Chow calls into work and says"hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come in"
The boss says" you know something Hung Chow, whenever I feel sick I just get my wife to have sex with me and it really makes me feel better. You should give that a try and then come to work."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again " I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon... You got nice house."

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Sex with my wife has depreciated like Coca Cola
"Cocaine", "Caffeine", "Light" and now "Zero"

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How to spice things up
A man and his wife are having a lot of trouble when it comes to being creative in bed. The wife begins to become fed up with the same old boring routine sex so the husband decides to do his research. The next night, the husband is feeling good about himself and tells his wife that he has something big in store for her. They start doing it but after a few minutes the man all of a sudden pauses... and then resumes, and then pauses again.... So the wife asks him what the hell he is doing? The man says "It is called 'Buffering', and everyone seems to be doing it online!"

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There was an impotent guy...
There was an impotent guy who asked his wife to always have sex with lights off because he was wearing a strap-on and didn't want her to know about his problem.
After years, one night she dared to turn on the light to see what's his big secret. Seeing the dildo hung on her husband's hips she got angry: "I guess it will be quite difficult for you to explain this!"

"Way less difficult than you explaining the kids to me"

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Marital Secret
After thirty years of marriage, an Italian woman addressed her husband one evening.
'For thirty years I've done everything you expected and asked of me without complaint. Now after 30 years together I wish to ask two things of you so that I may be even happier in my old age.'
'What are they?' asked the husband.
'My love, you always picka your nose,' replied the wife, 'and I wish you would not do that.'
'And the other thing?' enquired the husband.
'Whenever we have sex, always you are on top and I would really like to be on top of you sometimes.'
'Well my dear' said the husband. 'I have tried, as you have, to make our marriage good, and foremost in my mind I have kept the words of your father when we were first married. He said only two things to me. First he said, "Now you marry my daughter make sure you always keep your nose clean." And second, he said, "Don't fuck up."

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A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch
A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.

The bartender pours him his drink and asks, "What happened?"

"I came home early from work today...and found my wife having sex with my best friend"

The bartender pours him a second drink - "That's awful, what did you say to your wife?"

"I told her we were through. 'Pack your bags, and leave!'"

"What about your friend?"

"I waved my finger at him, looked him straight in the eye, and told him...bad dog."

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Three men were exchanging stories about their sexual activity with their wives.
The first man says: "I remember how the first night of my marriage went wrong. After the wedding, I went to bed where my wife was waiting for me. I had had a little too much to drink and was kind of fuzzy.
so after sex, out of habit, I handed her $50. That's when she slapped me and called me a whore monger."


"The same happened to me" said the other guy. "I had also drank more than I could handle, but I did what I had to do. After I fucked her, I handed her $60, she slapped me and didn't talk to me for a week"


"My situation was even worse" said the third guy.


"Why? How did she react?"


"I had downed more bottles than usual to celebrate my wedding and couldn't think straight. So after we had sex, I gave her a $100 bill."


"She slapped you too?"


"No. She gave me $30 in change."

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My wife is a sex object.
Every time I want sex, she objects.

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Sexual Appetite
The banker saw his old friend Harry, an eighty-year-old rancher, in town one day. Harry had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying again.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Harry if the rumor was true. Harry assured him that it was.

The banker then asked Harry the age of his new bride to be.

Harry proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in this December."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend's later years to be happy ones, the banker tactfully suggested that Harry should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Harry thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Harry in town again.

"How's the new wife?" asked the banker.

Harry proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advise had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Harry said, "She's pregnant too!"

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How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.

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So an old couple was getting ready for bed...
...when the old lady throws off her robe, revealing the skimpy negligee that she was wearing, jumps on her husband and yells "SUPER SEX!".

The man takes one look at his wife and says, "Well if you don't mind, I would like the soup."

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A husband and wife are talking about their relationship...
and the wife suggests they each pick one person that they can have sex with without the other getting mad. The husband agrees and lets the wife go first. She thinks about it for a bit and settles on Brad Pitt. The husband nods his head and says "The neighbor."

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Deaf Newlyweds
A deaf couple got married and on their wedding night, before going to bed, they decided to come up with a way to communicate in the dark.

The wife said, if you want to have sex squeeze my left breast once and if you don't, squeeze my right breast once.

The husband thought this was reasonable and said, ok if you want to have sex pull my penis once, if you don't, pull it 300 times.

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A researcher carrying out a phone survey on marital sex...
phoned one of the participants to check on a discrepancy. He asked the husband: "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse, you answered 'once a week,' but your wife answered 'several times a night.'"

"That's correct," said the husband. "And that's the way it's going to be until the mortgage is paid off."

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A wife and husband...
A wife and husband have been married for 30 years, and they only had sex with the lights off. One night the wife says turn the lights on, the husband says no, and they begin to bang. The wife turns the lights on in the middle of the act, and she sees the husband with a dildo. The wife says can you explain why have you been using a dildo all these years? The husband says I'll explain the dildo if you can explain the kids.

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A nurse is giving a sponge bath to a woman who has been in a coma for months....
When she runs the sponge up the woman's thigh the monitor beeps.
The nurse runs to the doctor and tells him this! He comes back, she does it again, and they are both shocked.
So they call the husband in and tell him what has happened.
"I know this is awkward, but we are going to suggest that you have oral sex with your wife." Says the doctor to the husband.
"Oh... Okay... If you think it will help..." Replies the husband. And he goes into the room and shuts the door behind him.
About ten minutes later the husband comes out and says,
"She's.... She's dead."
The nurse and doctor are shocked! "What happened?!?"
The husband replies,
"Well... She probably choked to death."

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A man and his wife are having sex...
...when their ten year old son walks in on them. The son screams, "OH MY GOD!" and then runs out of the room. The father laughs and says to give the son a few minutes to calm down, and then he'll explain what was going on.

A few minutes later, the father walks into his sons room to find him having sex with his grandmother. The man screams, "OH MY GOD!"

"Yeah," his son says, "It's not so funny when it's your mother, is it?"

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What's the best way to make your wife scream when you're having sex?


Call her up and tell her where you are.

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A married couple is asleep in bed...
The man wakes up from his wife slapping him in the face. He shouts at her, "What the hell was that for?" She yells back, "That was for twenty years of bad sex!" The couple goes back to sleep.
Later that night, the man wakes his wife up by slapping *her* in the face. She shouts at him, "What the hell was that for?" He replies, "For knowing the difference."

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My wife and I have a system in check for when we go to bed...
I told her if you wanna have sex pull on my penis once. If you don't wanna have sex, pull on my penis 100 times

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How much of sex is work?
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work . A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending on how drunk he was at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was your opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

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An old couple is sitting on the porch...
Suddenly the wife stands up and knocks her husband off his seat. The old man gets up and asks, "What was that for?!"
She replies, "Fifty years of bad sex."
Her husband nods, sits back down, and they continue sitting there for a while.
All of the sudden the man stands up and slaps the shit out of his wife.
Stunned she asks, "Why did you do that?!"
"That's for knowing the difference."

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Why don't you ....
A husband asks his wife after sex "Honey why don't you ever tell me when you are having an orgasm?" She replies "Well I would Dear but you are never home."

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A husband discusses sexual protocol with his new wife
"Honey" he says, when I want sex, I'll snuggle up to you and kiss your neck. If you're in the mood, turn around, grab my penis and pull on it twice. If you're not in the mood, turn around and pull on it a hundred times.

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Last night after we had sex I asked my wife if she was faking it
and she said "no, I really was asleep."

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A conservative husband and wife are having trouble in the bedroom.
They decide to go to a doctor about it, the wife explains she is too embarrassed to talk about sex. The doctor suggests they use a euphemism to get over her problem. She agrees to try it and settles on "washing machine".

This works wonders until one night her husband comes home from the pub horny. He slips in to bed and taps Mary on the shoulder asking: "Mary, is the washing machine working tonight?". In a huff because he's been drinking all night, she tells him: "No, it's broken!" and goes to sleep.

The next morning Mary wakes up feeling a bit frisky herself, she wakes up her husband by whispering into his ear: "Johnny, the washing machine is working now." Half asleep, her husband turns to her and says:"Ah, it's alright love, it was a small load so I did it by hand."

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Hall Sex
Three guys were standing around the golf course talking about how often they have sex with their wives.
The first guys says, "I'm lucky if I get sex once a month. and if we do its just regular old missionary style sex." The other two guys shake their heads in understanding.
The second guy says, "I get to have sex with my wife a couple of times a month and she lets me do it missionary and doggie style." The other two guys again shake their heads in understanding.
The third guy says, "me and my wife have sex every day." His two buddies look at him in amazement and one of them asks, "What kind of sex do yall have?" The guys looks at him and says, "We have hall sex."
His buddies look at him and one says, "Hall sex? I've never heard of that."
The guy looks at him and says, "When we pass each other in the hall we look at each other and say, 'Fuck You'."

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How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up

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Four kinds of sex...
There are four kinds of sex...

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

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Twice a Day
This guy goes to his doctor "You gotta help me. I can't stop having sex." "How often do you have it?" The doc asks "Well, twice a day with my wife." The doc says "That's no to bad." The guy says "Yeah, but that's not all, I also have sex with my secretary, twice a day." The doc says "That's a bit excessive."" and I have sex with a prostitute, twice a day" "That is definitely too much. You got to learn to take this situation in hand."
"I do," says the man "Twice a Day

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General Custer's Wife
So General Custer's wife goes to an artist and asks the man to draw her husband's finally words.

A few days later, she returns to the artist. The painting he's made consists of several piles of manure that have halos, and a group of Native Americans that appear to be having sex.

Irate, she yells at the artist. "I asked you to paint my husband's final words!"

"Ma'am," the artist says, "General Custer's final words were 'Holy shit, look at all those fucking Indians!'"

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How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

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I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom.
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom.


It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

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A wife wants to spice up her sex life...
So she goes decides to try crotchless panties. Her husband gets home from work and she's on the couch waiting for him. He walks by, looks at her, then goes in the kitchen and gets a beer. He comes back and sits down like nothing happened.

Finally, the frustrated wife yells "Don't you want some of this?"

And he says "Fuck no, look what it did to your underwear."

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When my wife told me she was going to give me some mental oral sex, I thought it was going to be silly.....
....but she actually blew my mind!

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What's the worst thing your wife can say during sex?
"Honey, I'm home!"

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A husband and wife have been married 15 years....
Whenever they have sex, the husband insists on doing it with the lights off.
One night, the wife has had enough and mid way through turns on her bedside lamp.
She's shocked to discover her husband laying there, holding a dildo.
Before she can open her mouth to say anything, the husband calmly says, "I'll explain the dildo, you explain the three kids."

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The wife asked me what I was doing on the internet last night.
I told her I was looking for flights. "I love you!" she said and then she got all excited. That night we had the most amazing sex ever... which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before.

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Dirty Joke
My sex life with my wife has started degrading.

Guess it's time to Bury her corpse

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How do you know that your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up.

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A man entered a bar
A man entered in a bar holding a gun and said "who the fuck had sex with my wife?"
a voice was heard from the back "you don't have enough bullets mate"

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What's the worst thing your wife can do while you're having sex?
Come home early.

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Towel Flapping Skills
Paddy and his wife have been married for 10 years, but in that time Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm. To fix this they go to a sex therapist, who suggests that his wife might be too hot and they should buy a fan. Paddy, being a bit cheap, doesn't buy a fan but gets his mate to stand in the corner to flap a towel instead. So Paddy and his wife go at it, Paddy's mate flapping the towel the whole time. After hours without success, Paddy's mate suggests they swap places. Paddy agrees and after 5 minutes of Paddy's mate and Paddy's wife going at it, his wife is screaming in ecstasy. Eventually, once they finished, Paddy says "Now that how you flap a towel!"

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Deaf newlyweds
A deaf couple had just gotten married. They were pretty conservative, so they didn't have sex until their wedding night. Being conservative, the wife insisted they keep the lights off, which made communication in the bedroom a little tough for two deaf people, to say the least.

After the third consecutive night of frustrated attempted lovemaking, the wife sits the husband down and starts signing to him.

"We need to work out a system, as this clearly isn't working so far. To start, if you want to have sex, just reach over and squeeze my right boob."

The husband nods. Easy enough.

"... but if you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left boob."

Again the husband nods, and then adds "If you want to have sex, just reach over and pull my dick."

The wife nods, and is happy her husband is liking the new system.

"...but if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull my dick like five hundred times."

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A man was having sex with his wife one night...
"Deeper... deeper..." she moaned.

The man, not having finished, pulls out and starts getting dressed. The woman is surprised and asks "What's wrong baby?"

The man snaps back, "Deeper, deeper?! How about I coo in your ear tighter, tighter!

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How do you make your wife cry during sex?
Call her while you're having it.

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A stuttering man goes into his doctor's office...
and the doctor says "in order to cure your stuttering problem, we need to dock an inch or two off your dick". the stuttering man goes "f-f-f-fine, d-d-d-do it". A few days later the man comes back to the doctor's office and says "I don't stutter anymore, but my wife won't have sex with me, can I have my inches back?" To which the doctor replies "f-f-f-fuck you."

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My wife likes to talk after sex..
So she called me from a hotel room. No Respect!
RIP Rodney Dangerfield

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An old married couple are sitting on their porch one morning...
...when suddenly the old lady lashes out with her cane and hits her husband on the knee.

"Ow! What'd ya do that for?" He asked.

"That's for 60 years of bad sex!"

He stewed in silence a few moments, rubbing his knee. All of a sudden he took his cane and thumped his wife on her knee.

"Ow! What's that for?"

"That's for knowing the difference."

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Ear sex joke. (NSFW)
A guy walks up to his wife and says he wants to fuck her in the ear.
To which she responds: 'No, you can't.'
'Why not?' he asks?
'Because i'll go deaf' she says.
'That's weird because i already fucked you a couple of times in the mouth and you still won't shut up.' he answers.

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A poor couple...
A poor couple try their best to make ends meet. Times were hard, and there were days when the couple couldn't afford to eat. To curb their hunger, the couple would have sex.

One evening, the husband comes home from work and finds his wife humping the arm rest of the couch. Perplexed, the husband asks what she was doing. The wife responds, "nothing, just heating up your dinner."

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A man and a woman are having sex, when her husband comes home early
Quick she says, go into the bathroom and hide and she throws his clothes under the bed. The husband walks into the room and sees his wife naked on the bed. "Honey, what are you doing", he asks. "Oh, just waiting here for you so we can have passionate sex", she replies. "Great" he says as he goes into the bathroom to clean up. Upon entering the bathroom he sees a naked man staring up towards the ceiling and clapping his hands above his head every now and then. The husband asks "Who the hell are you?" The man replies, "I'm the exterminator, your wife called me up concerning a moth infestation". "But what about your clothes, you don't have any clothes on", the husband says. The man looks down at himself and exclaims, "Why those nasty little buggers!"

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So a guy sees his doctor about his Viagra prescription...
Doctor: How have you felt since taking Viagra?

Guy: I've felt great! Sex is better than it's been in years!

Doctor: So, you haven't been suffering from blurred vision?

Guy: Suffering? Have you seen my wife?

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Wedding Night
A guy has never had sex, and gets into bed on his wedding night.

His new wife gets naked, sits on the bed, and says, "Do you know what I want?"

He says, "No."

She gets in bed, spreads her legs wide, and says, "Now do you know what I want?"

He says, "Yeah, you want the whole bed to yourself!"

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A man walks into his front room...
...with a sheep under his shoulder, he sees his wife watching TV and says "this honey is the pig I have sex with each night" to which his wife replays "I think you'll find that's a sheep" as her husband replies "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep".

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TOP WOMEN JOKES THAT ARE SEX

Best sex jokes about women and their sexuality. Sexual humor about the female part of humanity.

A lady walks into a bar…
She orders a drink and notices a frog in a cage behind the bar. She asks the bartender about it and the bartender says this frog performs oral sex on women. The woman has a few more drinks and her curiosity gets the best of her so she asks the bartender to have the frog go down on her. She gets up on the bar in the appropriate position and the bartender puts the frog there and tells it to do its thing. The frog just sits there. The bartender moves the frog to the side and says, "I'm only going to show you one more time!"

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The Sexist Professor
The anthropology professor was well known for making sexist comments and jokes in class much to the dismay of the feminist female students. The women students got together outside class and decided that after the next sexist comment from the professor they would stand up and walk out of class in solidarity.
The next day the professor, while lecturing on a certain African tribe, said: " and you ladies will be glad to know that the average penis size of the tribesmen is 12 inches!"
At that moment all the women in the class stood up and began filing out. The professor then said: "Wait! Wait ladies! The next flight to Nairobi doesn't leave until tomorrow morning!"

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SEX TIP!!!!
If you want to meet new women, stand outside a sex change clinic!

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Sex in Antarctica!!!
A man moved to an Antarctica village because of his new job. This village had many men, but no women. After a few days, the man started getting horny.
He asked his boss, "What do you guys do when you're horny here?"
The man told him, "We have a barrel with a hole in it. Here I'll show it to you."
The boss then took him to the hole and told him to put his thing in the hole. The man did. After a few minutes the man took his thing out and was very satisfied.
He told his boss, "Wow! That was really great, I'm going to put my thing in the hole every day of the week!"
"Not Thursdays!" said the boss.
Confused, the man asked, "Why, what's wrong with Thursdays?"
The boss answered, "That's your day to be in the barrel!"

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Why don't southern women have group sex?
Too many thank-you notes.

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Being a sexist doesn't bother me at all.
The only people that will call me a sexist are women and their opinion doesn't matter.

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Sex & Superheroes
It's annual superheroes new year's party. Batman and Spiderman are chatting.

All of a sudden the Hulk rushes in all red and perplexed.

"Whats up?" asked Batman.

"Well I was upstairs looking for the toilet and I passed the bedroom and saw Wonder Women naked on the bed and moaning and groaning. I started feeling randy and thought what the hell and jumped on top of her!"

"Was she surprised?" asked Spiderman.

"Yes but not as surprised as The Invisible Man!"

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Sexism in today's society.
It's disgusting how often women are subjected to sexism in today's society.

One of my feminist friends managed to get herself a new job recently, and literally the first thing her misogynist pig boss asked her to do was to make him a sandwich! "A fucking sandwich!" Naturally my friend took a stand and quit on the spot; she's even talking about boycotting the entire company.

Fucking Subway!

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Negotiations
An old, rich, oil tycoon walks into a Texas bar and addresses all the women "who will have sex with me for a million dollars?" After a few seconds a woman stands up and says that she will. The old man replies "good. now will you have sex with me for fifty dollars?" disgusted the woman replies "what the hell do you think i am!?" he simply smile and responds "i believe we have already established that. now we are negotiating"

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Secrets to a happy marriage
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.







2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.







3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.







and MOST important...







4. It is important that these three women never meet.

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Most women are sex objects
try asking for sex and they'll object

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The Confession
A man's talking to his priest and says "Father, I don't know what to do. Suddenly, all of these beautiful women want to have sex with me. I try to be good, but I have to confess, I'm weak. I slept with five women in the last three days."
The priest says, "Go home, squeeze five lemons into a cup, and drink it really fast."
The man asks, "Will that absolve me of all my sins?"
"No," the priest says.
"Will it help me resist temptation?"
"No."
"Then why..."
"It'll get that stupid smug grin off your face."

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If you've ever thought women are the weaker sex..
You've never tried pulling the blankets back to your side in the night

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So an Italian man and a Greek man we're arguing over which of their countries was the better one...
...and they eventually got to the topic of sex. The Greek, feeling as though had would clearly win with his next point, stated very boldly, "Oh yea? Well, we Greeks invented the art of sex!"

Without skipping a beat, the Italian replied, "True, but *we* invented sex with women!"

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[NSFW] The coal-miner's lust
On his payday, coal-miner Joe wanted to get laid, especially now since he was just paid. He goes to a brothel and asks for the finest broad there. The manger says to him "sorry, we don't have any women right now, but you can have sex with a chicken for free." Wanting sex so badly, Joe thinks for a minute and says "well... alright." So he goes into a room with the chicken and business gets done.

He loved the sex so much that he went to the same brothel the next day. He asks the manager "I'd like to have sex with chicken again." The manager says "Sorry pal, no chickens today, but for 5$, you can watch three guys have sex with a woman.' Joe, thinking about how it was cheap and it would probably be fun to watch, agrees. He enter a room full of people watching and sits next to one of the men. Joe leans over to the man and says "Wow! This is pretty weird." The man replies saying "You think that's weird?! Just yesterday we saw a guy fuck a chicken!"

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Women think they are smart for faking orgasm
Men fake whole relationships just to get sex.

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Women are like leaves...
Sometimes they fall out of trees and I've never had sex with one

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Doctor is examining a young women...
and says:

- Everything seems OK, but I am worried about those bruised knees and elbows.

- Oh, it's because of all the doggy style sex I have.

- Don't you know any other position?

- I do, but my doggy doesn't.

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I don't understand the appeal of strip clubs...
All you do is throw money at women who refuse to have sex with you. If I wanted that I would be married.

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God has nearly finished creating men and women...
...and he proclaims that he has one gift to offer to each sex, and that each can choose which one it wants. "First," he says, "I offer the ability to urinate standing up." "OH! OH! That's ALL us!" the men shout, jumping up and down in their excitement. "Right, then," says God, turning to the women, "I guess that leaves you with the multiple orgasms."

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Three women walk into a sex shop...
A white woman, a black woman, and a blonde woman. They're looking up and down the aisles and all three decide to buy some dildos. The white woman says that she's never been with a black man, so she buys a black dildo. The black woman, who has never been with a white man, buys a white dildo. The blonde woman, however, has been with all kinds of men. She finally settles on a unique, plaid dildo.

At the end of the day, the shop owner stops in to talk to the cashier about the day's business, to which the clerk replies, "You know, the strangest thing happened. I sold a black dildo, I sold a white dildo, and then I sold my thermos."

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2 black guys having sex with white women
2 Black guys are talking about sex.

"You know what, every time i have sex with a white woman, my nose is runny and my eyes are sore, do you know what that is?"

"What the hell, i have exactly the same problem, my eyes are sore and my nose is runny. But only with white women. You know what is is?"

"I think its the pepper spray"

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How's your sex life?
3 women are having a conversation about their sex lives. The first woman has been married 1 year. "My husband and I have 'house sex' because we do it anywhere in the house, any time." The second woman has been married 10 years. "We have 'bedroom sex' which is only in the bedroom after the kids have gone to sleep." The third woman has been married 30 years. "My husband and I have 'hallway sex'... We pass each other in the hallway and say 'screw you!'"

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Three pregnant women, a blonde, brunette, and red head are at their obstetrician to find out the sex of their babies.
The brunette says, "I'm going to have a boy because I was on top."

The red head says, "Well that means I'm going to have a girl because I was on bottom."

Just then the blonde starts crying her eyes out. "What's wrong?" the other two say.

"I'm going to have puppies!"

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4 rules for a happy marriage
1. It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans.

2. It is important to find a woman who makes good money.

3. It is important to find a woman who loves to have sex.

4. It is very important that these three women never meet!!

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A Greek and a Roman are arguing about who has the superior culture.
The Greek says "We built the Parthenon". The Roman says "Ah, but we built the Colosseum". The Greek responds "We invented democracy" and the Roman says "Yes, but we founded the great Roman Empire". Finally, the Greek says "We invented sex". The Roman replies "That's true, but we're the ones who thought of having it with women."

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I was in Brazil last night, and 3 women approached me and wanted to have sex. It was like winning the lottery.
6 matching balls.

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You guys hear about the antique shop owner who liked to have anonymous sex with menstruating women?
Nobody could tell which period his dick was from.

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A recent poll posed the question, "Would you ever have sex with Bill Clinton?"
70% of American women said, "Never again."

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3 women were discussing their sex lives..
The first one said-"My husband is like a Hummer; big, strong and rock hard."

The second says-"My husband is like a Porsche; smooth, sleek and fast."



They look at the third one to speak up. She pauses for a second, and then says-"Mine's like an old Chevy.. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while its still going."

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The Us, UK and Aussie government wanted to find out the reason for the knob at the end of the penis.
So the US government spent $10 million and 2 years of research and declared that the knob made the women feel good during sex.

Not to be outdone, the UK government spent $20 million and 5 years of research and declared that the knob makes the men feel good during sex.

Not wanting to be left out, the Aussie government spent $10 and 3 days and declared that the knob prevents the hand from slipping off.

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An old man is in a confessional booth
He says 'Father, please I must tell you something!'

The Reverend tells him to proceed

'Six years ago my wife died and I've been pretty lonely. Tonight I had sex for hours for the first time since with four college students I met in a bar.'

'It is natural that you're feeling bad about sleeping with women who aren't your wife, it is okay for you to move on though.' The Reverend replies.

'Oh you don't understand Father, I'm not upset.'

'Then why are you telling me?'

'Trust me, Father. I'm telling everyone!'

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Someone told me that women live to be woken up with oral sex...
... but when I tried it my wife woke up and said "WTF get that thing out of my mouth!!"

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A women comes to sex shop
She aproaches the salesman and says "I want to take a look at your dildos please"
"Here, you can pick the blue one or the yellow one", salesman suggests
"I will take that big red one!" - Women shouts
"Ma'am, fire extinguisher is not for sale'

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Some women enjoy eye contact during oral sex on a gentleman
Others say it stings.

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Need help finding a particular Richard Pryor joke.
I was watching some Louis CK stand up and he ended it with a joke about after sex, if done right, women won't say anything. I know I've seen Richard Pryor do that same bit and I want to show my friend. I think the punch line is something to the effect of "If you fuck her right afterward she don't say shit." Can anyone help me find this particular joke?

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greeks
Thousands of years ago the Greeks invented sex, a few hundred years later, the French introduced it to women.

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What's the difference between a mosquito and a woman?
When you slap a mosquito it stops sucking.

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I just had an argument with a girl I know.


She was saying how that it's unfair that if a guy fucks a different girl every week, he's a legend, but if a girl fucks just two guys in a year, she's a slut.
So in response, I told her that if a key opens lots of locks, then it's a master key.
But if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a shitty lock.
That shut her up.

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Q: What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?
A: A whore fucks everybody and a bitch fucks everybody but you.

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How do you make your wife scream during sex? Call her and tell her about it.

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why do women enjoy sex more than men
why do women enjoy sex more than men
A wise man said : "When you have an itchy ears , and then you put your finger in your ear and scartch
which one feel better your finger or your ear ?"

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What are the three words women hate to hear during sex? "Honey, I'm home!"

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Women think about sex every 7 seconds. Just not with you.

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This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.


I was staring at boobs and she said "Press One?"
So I did...
I don't remember much after that.

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A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home.

" I went over. Nobody was home.

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3 women are sitting together at a bar....
Laura, Sara, and Elizabeth.
Laura sips her drink and tells the other two,
"Did you know," she says, "that the men with the biggest feet have the best sex in bed?"
Astonished, Sara decides to go test this out. Once she leaves the bar, she sees a man with the biggest shoes she's ever seen. She goes up to him, and very seductively asks,
"Hello mister, how would you like to come over to my house for some coffee?"
Excited, the man follows.
Once they enter the apartment, they quickly jump into bed and spend the next couple of hours until the morning in bed.
When they both wake up, Sara puts on her clothes and takes out $50 from her wallet, and hands it to the man.
"What's this for?" the man asks.
"Go buy smaller shoes, you cheap shit."

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*My dad helping me find a gf*
Dad: What do you want most in a woman?
Me: My dick.


*Grounded and high fived*

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Old Spanish Joke - The Fapping Teen
There was a teenage kid who had a ridiculous fapping problem. He'd fap in the morning, after school, in the shower, in the evening, at night, etc.

The father notices & says to himself I must help my son calm his sex drive somehow. So he takes the kid to a whore house.

The father asks for the women to line up. Just when the kid is about to choose a woman approachs. She has perfectly big round breasts, a perfectly big round ass, plump lips & gorgeous eyes.

The kid filled with excitement, drooling for this woman picks her & goes to a room. After 20 mins the kid returns to his dad. The dad asks "So how was it son?" The kid replies "IT was amazing dad. She was the best woman I've ever fapped it to"

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Why is God happy?
Because every women call his name during sex.

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How many sexists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. The women can cook in the dark.

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I should have known it would never work out between me and my ex-girlfriend - after all, I'm a Pisces and she's a bitch.

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Warning ladies!
Never trust a man who calls you "

SEXY".
This is why. When he removes the letter 'Y' it means you're down for "SEX". After sex, he will remove the letter "S" and start calling you his "EX".

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A young , attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him, β€œMajor, when was the last time you had sex?”
β€œ1956,” was his reply.
β€œNo wonder you look so uptight!” she exclaimed. β€œMajor, you need to get out more!”
β€œI’m not sure I understand you,” he answered, glancing at his watch, ”It’s only 2014 now.”

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The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word 'Facial' is used.

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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.

Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

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A man walks into a clock shop where a beautiful woman is working.


He walks to the counter unzips his fly and pulls out his cock.
The woman screams "excuse me sir this is a CLOCK SHOP".
I know replied the man "I want two hands and a face put on this".

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Why don't women blink during sex?
They don't have time!

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She wanted to sell me a whole bedroom set, but I just wanted one nightstand.

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Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.

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Why do white men stay with their women? They'll have a hard time trying to find another that likes little dicks.

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How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

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Spreading rumors? At least you're spreading something else besides your legs.

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A good bar is like a good woman - liquor in the front and poker in the back.

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Women are like swimming pools – they cost a great deal of money to maintain, considering the time you spend inside.

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A woman about sex has to know β€˜why?' and a man β€˜where?'

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Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn't change soon, I'm gonna divorce her.

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My neighbor obviously doesn't watch porn, she asked me to fix her sink 2 hours ago and I'm still fixing her sink.

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Friend: "I think my mom hit her period last night"
Me: "Oh that's my bad I fucked your mom a little too hard."

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 95%.


It's called a Wedding Cake.

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What's the difference between a hooker and a woman with a cold? A woman with a cold blows her nose.

..

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A Sexist Joke: Why are women bad at parking?
Because they've been lied to all their lives about how long "8" inches *really* is.

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Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

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Man to a woman: "Do you know the difference between a blowjob and a cheeseburger is?"
Woman: "No.

"
Man: "Lets have lunch sometime…"

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Lifting weights have really helped me with the ladies - the last five I raped didn't stand a chance.

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Sex is when a guys communication,
enters a girls information,
to increase the population,
for a younger generation,
do you get the information...
or do you need a demonstration.

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You are so tall in my eyes that they can't rise higher than your waist.

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If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.

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Why do married women have sex with the lights out.
They can't stand to see a man have a good time.

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Q: Do you know what 69 is?
A: It's a good thing screwed up by a period.

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What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%? Wedding Cake!

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You know you've got a high sperm count when she has to chew before she swallows.

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Three women were debating about how wide their pussy are.


The first one said: "When my husband makes sex he puts his penis and his testicles in my pussy."
The second lady said: "Wooo when we are in bed my husband puts his hand and his arm in mine."
It was the turn of the third woman that pointed to her pussy and said: Jimy; Jimy come out, please."

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Why do women close their eyes during sex? They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

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A wrinkly old women decides to bring back the "spark" in her marriage...
She walks into her husband wearing nothing but bright red lingerie, her husband sees her and says: "What the hell are you wearing?! You know I have sensitive eyes and that color hurts them! change immediately!"

So she does what her husband says but still wants to have sex, so she changes to white lingerie and comes back to where her husband is sitting, he sees her and says: "it's still too bright for me, I can barely look at you."

She got a little frustrated with her husband so she decides to walk in naked this time, he sees her and says: "This is much better! all you need is a little bit of ironing and we're all set!"

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Women need a reason to have sex - men just need a place.

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Q: Why was the blonde girl's belly button bruised?
A: Because blonde men are dumb too.

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Q: Why is a sheep better than a woman?
A: A sheep doesn't care if you fuck her sister.

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Q: Why is life like a penis?
A: Women make it hard!

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One day a women walks into work in a short skirt.


As she’s walking to her desk she gets stopped by a co-worker, who says,
β€œYour hair smells really nice today.”
She grimaces and stomps into her manager’s office.
She says,”I want to file a sexual harassment complaint!” and then relates what happened.
The manager says, β€œWhat’s wrong with him complimenting how your hair smells?”
Furious, she snarls, β€œHe’s a midget!”

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A man and a woman meet in an elevator.

"Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100."
The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

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[sexist] Not a joke, but can you help me find it?
I remember there was a joke about why women aren't political leaders and the punchline being that they would bicker and argue with each other or something...
Anyone know which joke I am talking about?

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Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

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My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.

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A foreigner goes to a prostitute
While on a business trip, a foreigner paid a hooker to have sex. She got undressed, and he was surprised to see that she had no pubic hair.

He exclaimed, "What, no wool? In my country, all women have wool down there!"

The hooker asked, "What do you want to do? Knit or fuck?"

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Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, "I hear that you’ve been telling people that I’m ugly!"
"Oh NO! I’ve just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive."
"I also heard that you’ve been calling me fat?"
"Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are."
"I’ve also heard that you’re saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!"
"Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"

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Why did God create the orgasm? So women can moan even when they're happy.

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A woman is like a well-served table at which a man looks one way before he eats and differently after he ate.

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A woman's favorite position is CEO.

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Any woman deserves sex, but not every woman a second time.

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TOP MARRIAGE JOKES THAT ARE SEX

Best marriage jokes about husband and wife having sex and married couples in kinky situations.

I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!
Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!

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Deaf Sex
Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

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SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE
John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?
Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?

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Marital Secret
After thirty years of marriage, an Italian woman addressed her husband one evening.
'For thirty years I've done everything you expected and asked of me without complaint. Now after 30 years together I wish to ask two things of you so that I may be even happier in my old age.'
'What are they?' asked the husband.
'My love, you always picka your nose,' replied the wife, 'and I wish you would not do that.'
'And the other thing?' enquired the husband.
'Whenever we have sex, always you are on top and I would really like to be on top of you sometimes.'
'Well my dear' said the husband. 'I have tried, as you have, to make our marriage good, and foremost in my mind I have kept the words of your father when we were first married. He said only two things to me. First he said, "Now you marry my daughter make sure you always keep your nose clean." And second, he said, "Don't fuck up."

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Three men were exchanging stories about their sexual activity with their wives.
The first man says: "I remember how the first night of my marriage went wrong. After the wedding, I went to bed where my wife was waiting for me. I had had a little too much to drink and was kind of fuzzy.
so after sex, out of habit, I handed her $50. That's when she slapped me and called me a whore monger."


"The same happened to me" said the other guy. "I had also drank more than I could handle, but I did what I had to do. After I fucked her, I handed her $60, she slapped me and didn't talk to me for a week"


"My situation was even worse" said the third guy.


"Why? How did she react?"


"I had downed more bottles than usual to celebrate my wedding and couldn't think straight. So after we had sex, I gave her a $100 bill."


"She slapped you too?"


"No. She gave me $30 in change."

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Secrets to a happy marriage
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.







2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.







3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.







and MOST important...







4. It is important that these three women never meet.

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Congratulations to Alabama for making same sex marriage legal
Now the men can finally marry their brothers

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So a guy is trying to pick up a girl at a bar
After a couple drinks he asks the girl, "Hey, wanna come back to my place for a good time?"

She replies, "Oh...sorry, but I don't agree with having sex before marriage."

He says, "Well that's a good thing because I'm already married!"

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4 rules for a happy marriage
1. It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans.

2. It is important to find a woman who makes good money.

3. It is important to find a woman who loves to have sex.

4. It is very important that these three women never meet!!

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The good thing about marriage is that you can have sex at anytime you want.
As long as you are the one with the vagina.

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A woman is very afraid of the size of her opening [NSFW]
So she goes to her mother, she says what am I going to do I'm so big down there when I marry Harry he's going to divorce me.

Her mother says don't worry sweetheart it runs in the family, do what I did when I married your father. Go to the market, get some raw liver, put it in there he'll never know the difference.

So she does.

They have eight hours of sex after their marriage. She wakes up at 10 o'clock, he's gone but there's a note on her pillow.
It says -:
My darling Harriet.
To think that I waited a year to consummate our loving relationship makes my heart beat so loudly I'm surprised it didn't wake you up.
The only reason I'm not here now darling is that I'm at work to make enough money to buy you a house, a picket fence, we'll have dogs and children.

When the 5 o'clock dinner bell rings I will be home like the winged Gossamer of love in your arms.

Your loving husband, Harry.

PS. Your cunt is in the sink.

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Two Baptist ministers were eating lunch when one went on and on about young people having sex before marriage. He said, God forbids it. It is a sin and I didn't have sex with my wife until our wedding night. How about you?
The other minister thinks and then says, I don't think so, what was her maiden name?

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I have a strict no sex before marriage rule...
...imposed on me due to my stunning ugliness.

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Looking forward to a happy rest of your life!
In the first 5 years of marriage, you have house sex: sex in every room of the house.

After about 10 years, you typically just have bedroom sex: sex in the bedroom.

After about 20, you have hallway sex: you walk by your S.O. in the hallway, and say, "Fuck you."

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Different kinds of sex through marriage
When a couple gets married, they have the tradition of having sex in every room in the house.

After some years they have only bedroom sex.

When they get old, they have what is called hallway sex.
Basically what happens is they pass each other in the hallway and say "Fuck You"

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There are three kinds of sex in marriage . . .
First there is house sex, where you screw all over the house. Later, you move on to bedroom sex with no lights and under the covers. And finally there's hall sex, where you pass each other in the hall and say "Fuck you!"

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3 Stages of Sex:

1. House Sex - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house, in every room.
2. Bedroom Sex - After you've been married for a while and you just have sex in the bedroom.
3. Hall Sex - After you've been married for many years, and you just pass each other in the hall and say, "F**k you!"

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How do you make your wife scream during sex? Call her and tell her about it.

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What does a condom and a husband have in common? They both got used and thrown out.

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What are the three words women hate to hear during sex? "Honey, I'm home!"

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Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn't change soon, I'm gonna divorce her.

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My girlfriend doesn't believe in sex before marriage. So I showed ....
My girlfriend doesn't believe in sex before marriage.

So I showed her some of my old home movies to prove it was real.

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A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor!"

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A woman is very afraid of the size of her opening...
So she goes to her mother, she says what am I going to do I'm so big down there when I marry Harry he's going to divorce me.

Her mother says don't worry sweetheart it runs in the family, do what I did when I married your father. Go to the market, get some raw liver, put it in there he'll never know the difference.

So she does.

They have eight hours of sex after their marriage. She wakes up at 10 o'clock, he's gone but there's a note on her pillow.

It says -:
My darling Harriet.
To think that I waited a year to consummate our loving relationship makes my heart beat so loudly I'm surprised it didn't wake you up.
The only reason I'm not here now darling is that I'm at work to make enough money to buy you a house, a picket fence, we'll have dogs and children.
When the 5 o'clock dinner bell rings I will be home like the winged Gossamer of love in your arms.

Your loving husband, Harry.

PS. Your cunt is in the sink."

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A man comes home and tells his wife to tell him something that is going to laugh and cry.


Wife thinks for a minute and says... "of all your friends you have the biggest dick."

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Why did the lady snowman divorce her husband? She found out he was going to a snow blower.

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I think the only time my ex didn't fake an orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

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The wife bought a new see through nighty, wore it without any underclothes and came swinging before the husband.
Aroused Husband says, "You look so beautiful and sexy my darling."
The wife says, "I know that, I tried it the same way at the store and the salesman was the first one to tell me that."

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A man and his wife went to the pharmacy to pick up his prescription for Viagra.


Seeing the $10 per pill price his wife was astonished - but then realized "it's only going to cost us $30 per year."

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An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple in their bedroom.


The husband turned to his wife and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen action in years. If he wants sex, I think it's best to just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"I'm so relieved you feel that way," replies his wife, "because he told me he thinks you're really cute."

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A silly joke about sex after marriage.

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A woman was suspicious in the loyalty of her husband for a long time and she decided to make him jealous.
"My love, what would you say if I was having sex with your best friend?"
"I'd say you're a lesbian!"

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A Lalu originally from Bihar now in USA went to India and brought a physiologically checked out virgin from a small happy town as wife.
Ideal Lalu decided to have first night in USA.
He prepared her, took their all clothes off and was ready to penetrate for intercourse and young bride stopped him.
"What are you trying to do," she asked.
Lalu explained the spousal sex.
The bride said, "In that case try my back hole it will be lots of fun for you."

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I agree even in marriage, sex without wife's consent is rape, But by same logic isn't spending husband's money by the wife without his consent...Robbery? Why do our films find it funny? How can people joke about it?

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Q:What's the worst thing your wife can say during sex?
A:Honey I'm home.

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A woman is very afraid of the size of her opening...
So she goes to her mother and says "What am I going to do? I'm so big down there, when I marry Harry he's going to divorce me."


Her mother says "Don't worry sweetheart it runs in the family. Do what I did when I married your father: go to the market, get some raw liver, put it in there and he'll never know the difference.


So she does.


They have eight hours of sex after their marriage. She wakes up at 10 o'clock, he's gone but there's a note on her pillow.

It says "My darling Harriet, to think I waited a year to consummate our relationship makes my heart beat so loudly I'm surprised it didn't wake you up. The only reason I'm not here right now darling is that I'm at work to make enough money to buy you a house, a picket fence, we'll have dogs and children.

.

Your loving husband,

Harry



.


PS your cunt is in the sink.

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Q: What' is Hillary Clinton favorite movies?
A: Kill BILL 1 and 2.

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I asked my wife why she never blinked during foreplay. She said she didn't have time.

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What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis? You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

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Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

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A wrinkly old women decides to bring back the "spark" in her marriage...
She walks into her husband wearing nothing but bright red lingerie, her husband sees her and says: "What the hell are you wearing?! You know I have sensitive eyes and that color hurts them! change immediately!"

So she does what her husband says but still wants to have sex, so she changes to white lingerie and comes back to where her husband is sitting, he sees her and says: "it's still too bright for me, I can barely look at you."

She got a little frustrated with her husband so she decides to walk in naked this time, he sees her and says: "This is much better! all you need is a little bit of ironing and we're all set!"

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A woman, after giving birth to six babies, upon seeing her husband gets up off the hospital bed, walks over to him shouting "I told you not to go doggy style!"

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Practical thought:
A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes.


A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life...

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A man and his wife agreed on a code to use in front of their kids when they want to have s*x.


The code is: "Making a call."
One day the man ask his son to tell his mother, that dad wants to make a phone call.
The boy returns to his dad, that mom says she is out of order.
Then he ask him to tell her, that dad will go outside to make a phone call.
The boy returns, that mom says, "If you do so, she will open a central telephone station in the house."

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I used to worry about penis size, but I always made up for it in performance. Now, after years of marriage I am not as good in the sack as in my younger days and my wife seems put upon when I want to have sex. Basically, things have come full circle . . .
I worry about penis sighs.

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Q: What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%?
A: Her wedding cake.

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On wedding night, during sex:
Husband: I had a sex with so many callgirls so many time before.


Wife: Thats what I have been thinking since we met that I have seen you somewhere before...

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Husband: "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
Wife: "That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

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What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down? Married.

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Merajanu
"I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."

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Pain in the ass
A man and a women go to marriage counseling one day the women goes by her self.

Therapist: so your husband tells me your having problems with sex

Women: oh I don't really bother with the small things in life.

Therapist: as small as it is it's was a pain in my ass!

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25 years of marriage.
So an older couple that has been married for 25 years was driving together to the grocery store. The wife reached over and smacked her husband upside the head.

"What the hell was that for?" he asks.

"That's for 25 years of bad sex!" she replied.

The man thought about it for a while, and later on they were walking through the grocery store when the man smacks the woman upside the head.

"What the hell was that for?" she asks.

"That's for knowing the difference." he replied.

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The Three Stages Of Marriage
The first stage is casual sex. In the kitchen, in the vestibule, on top of the washing machine, in the car coming back home from dinner out, on the floor, on the couch, ....

After a while, you settle down into bedroom sex before you go to sleep at night.

The third stage is oral sex. That's when you pass each other in the hallway, on the way to work and exchange, "Fuck You!" -- "Fuck You!".

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Its Wrong To Have Sex Before Marriage
Girl (While moaning during sex) : Its wrong.

Boy : But I love you.

Girl : No its wrong.

Boy : I will marry you soon.

Girl : You stupid cunt, the hole is wrong.

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the fraud
The husband and wife who were both Fanatical golfers were celebrating their 50th year of marriage . The wife took her husband to one side, she said to him John I have a confession to make. Before we were married I had a sex change , I was a man. After a moments silence John went apeshit. He said you dirty effing rat do mean to say that all these years you've been playing off the ladies tee your a man.DAEQOT

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I don't understand why people say they don't believe in sex before marriage...
It's obviously sex after marriage that doesn't exist.

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How we call a woman who refuses to have sex before marriage ?
Why call her ?

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The most I've ever paid for sex..,
Is through marriage

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$20 dollars for sex
I man and woman get married, on the night of their wedding, the man approaches his wife, ready to make love for the first time. She smiles sweetly and sticks her hand out. "That will be $20 please!" He goes along with her game and gives her $20. As the years of their marriage go by, she continues her little $20 game, always requesting it before making love to her husband. He figures this is just her cute little way of getting spending cash for her clothes and lunch with her girl friends, so he always obeys.

After 30 years of marriage, he comes home one day, and tells his wife he has been fire from his job, they are broke, they have no retirement! She gathers her check book and shows him many lists of $20 deposits into a savings account. He realizes what she has been doing all a long, and says to her, "Damnit, if I would have known what you were doing I would have given you all my business."

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A guy falls in love with a very traditional girl..
A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl, that means no sex before marriage. But he doesn't care, he loves her. After a year or two of dating he decides its time to propose. So he heads to her fathers house to ask his permission.

"Hello, sir, I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand"

A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks "And why is that?"

The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh... "Well, its just that mine have gotten tired."

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Marriage Joke.
A woman was about to be married the next day. The night before, she decided sleep with her secret BF for the last time. He was out of condoms though.
She said, "don't worry, wear this plastic bag."
The next day, she was having sex with her new husband. Husband was about to plow, but noticed the plastic bag.
She lied, "It happens when a girl loses her virginity. Just a plastic sheet. He replied, "That's alright, but why the fuck does it say 'Have a nice day' ?"

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One day Sven walks into the local pub and announces, "

Well boys Svens is getting married."
As you can imagine all of Sven's' friends were very happy for Sven's good fortune and they asked, "Who's the lucky girl?"
Sven replied, "Well I am a marrying Madge."
Well, this upset all of Sven's friends because Madge was nothing but a slut, and they all cried.
"Sven you can't marry Madge, she's not a nice girl!"
"Sven replied, "Oh ya, Sven's in love and he's a getting married."
And his friends persisted, "Sven, Madge is a woman of low morals."
Sven just grinned and replied, "Oh ya ya ya, but I love Madge."
Finally, his friends had enough and in unison cried out, "But Sven, Madge has been screwed by every man in town!"
"Oh ya ya ya," said Sven, "But it's not that big of a town."

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What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes.

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How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

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An iron rule of a leader – make love to your wife in the morning and you will be the first.

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A king wants his daughter to have a husband so he puts up a flier.


The first guy comes and the king puts green glitter on his daughters private part.
The next mornning the king checks the guys private part and there's green glitter all over it.
More and more guys come along and the same thing keeps happening.
Finally, one day this guy comes along.
The king puts the green glitter on his daughters private part, and the next mornning checks the guys privates and there was no green glitter.
The king is thrilled and offers the man his daughters hand in marriage.
The guy smiles to accept with a mouth full of green glitter.

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A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan they were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From the inside they head a Pakistani accent say, "you foreigners come in.
Come in my humble shop." so the married couple walked in.
The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in.
They make you wild at sex like a great dessert camel"
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being a sex hero he as.
The husband, "how could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Pakistani man replied, why don't you see for yourself?"
Well , the husband after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on.
As soon as he slipped then onto this feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in years-- raw sexual power.
In a blink of an eye the husband rushed of too the Pakistani man threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy's pants.
All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET"

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A man and a woman were on a nude beach when a wasp flew into the woman's vagina.


In a rush the guy pulled on his shorts, wrapped a towel around the woman, and ran to the hospital.
When they got there the doctor said, "The only way I can think to get the wasp out is to slather some honey on my penis and lure it out."
The doctor then offered his services for a mere $50.
After a long pause, the couple agreed.
The doctor happily slathered on some honey and went in.
After a couple of thrusts the husband said, "Hey, what the hell is going on?"
The doctor says, "Change of plans I'm going to drown the bastard."

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A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.


One day, the wife asked her husband, "Honey, one of the bathroom pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?"
The husband looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like Mr. Plumber?"
A few days went by, and his wife asked for a favor.
"Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
"What do I look like Mr. Goodwrench?"
A couple weeks later, the wife found a leak in the roof. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof. Can you please fix it?"
"What do I look like Bob Vila?"
He sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.
One rainy weekend, the husband realized the leak on the roof was gone.
He went to the bathroom and found that the pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.
When his wife returned home, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks and the car's running?"
She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything.
"Wow, did he charge us anything?"
"No, he said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him."
"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?"
"Cake? What the hell do I look like Betty Crocker?"

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It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.


Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in.
He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date.
Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?"
"Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her."
Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"

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Two Italian virgins marry and go on their honeymoon.


Unfortunately, neither knows what to do when they get there.
The newlyweds call the groom's mother for advice.
The mother says that they should sit on the bed together, snuggle, and things should happen from there.
The newlyweds do this, but nothing happens.
The groom calls his mother back.
She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers, and nature should take its course.
The bride and groom take his mother's advice, but still nothing comes to mind.
He calls his mother a third time.
Getting frustrated with the situation, she says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest spot!"
The groom is quiet for a moment and then asks his mother, "I've got my nose in her armpit, now what?"

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A man asks his buddy: "Listen to me! Why has your wife left you, if I may ask?"
And he says, "you know, she has told me that I am weak in the bed."
"Oh, that is really sad. And what do you do to improve it?"
And he says again: "you know, I have bought one book, the name of this book is Kamasutra, you know I am helping myself with the hand, I have learned all positions, but the last position I am not gonna make."
"And what is the name of this position?"
"You know, imagine the missionary position."

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I was married to a Gemini she caught me cheating on her with herself.

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Two old women were talking about their sex lives.


Ethel was upset because her sex life had really died, while Mildred said her sex life was great.
Mildred counseled Ethel, "When my Sammy is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lie on the bed, and put both legs behind my head.
When he sees me like that, he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night."
Ethel said, "I'm going to try that tonight."
While Ethel's husband Harold was in the bathroom that night, she took off all her clothes.
She struggled to get both legs behind her head.
After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel fell backwards and couldn't move.
Harold came out of the bathroom with a shocked look on his face.
"For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an a**hole."

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If a man goes cheats for four times, according to the rules of geometry, he will come home.

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Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.
As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.
Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.
On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming.
The mother thought to herself, β€œThat’s normal, especially on her wedding night.”
She snuck by her second oldest daughter’s room and heard her laughing.
β€œThat’s normal too,” she said, smiling to herself.
Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter’s room where she didn’t hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.
The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night’s noises.
β€œWell Mom,” she replied, β€œyou always said if it hurt I should scream.”
β€œYou’re absolutely right sweetheart,
”the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter.
β€œNow why were you laughing?” she asked.
β€œYou always said if it tickled, I could laugh,” she answered.
β€œTrue enough, honey.” The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.
β€œNow it’s your turn, baby,” she said turning to her youngest daughter.
β€œWhy was it so quiet in your room last night?”
β€œMom, don’t you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full.”

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What do you call a marriage without sex?
A marriage.

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Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

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A Lalu brought a simple, spendthrift wife from a small town in Bihar.


He convinced her that they should go for Honeymoon.
The wife would not understand complex term as honeymoon and kept asking for explanation.
Lalu said, "Let me feel you my manhood in Honeymoon and you would know."
They went.
Had lots of fun and came back.
Wife back at home asked, "I still don’t understand what is this honeymoon that we went for."
The Husband said, "Oh, we were together, had so many hugs, kisses, varieties of sex, jokes, fun all that is honeymoon."
The spendthrift wife got angry, "You should have told me that before. Back in town, Malu, Kalu, Suru and I were together all the times, and had this fun without spending a dime of my money."

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Newlyweds
A newlywed couple is laying in bed and the husband rolls over to the wife and says that the foundation of a good marriage is clear communication. He tells her that if she wants to have sex just reach over and tug on his cock 3 times. He also tells her that if she doesn't want to have sex reach over and tug on his cock 400 times

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never ask wife for too much sex
At a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her husband:

"That's not true! I do so enjoy sex!"

Then, turning to the counselor, she explained:

"But this animal expects it four or five times a YEAR!"

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A ship goes out to sea and crashes.
6 people (1 woman and 5 men) survive and use a safety raft to float to this deserted island.
Well, after spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely and sexually deprived.
So they come to this agreement.
All of the men will marry the one woman for a week.
So the first man has her for one week, the second man has her for the second week, and so on.
Everyone will now be getting sex and they all agree to it.

This goes on for five years and everyone is happy.
Each man gets sex every fifth week and the woman gets to have sex whenever she wants with a different man every week.

Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies.
The first week is pretty bad, the second week is still pretty bad, the third week is getting worse, the fourth week things are just bad, real bad, and the fifth week is just awful.
It’s getting so very bad that on the sixth week they buried her.

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An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.


Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about s*x?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently ", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"

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A recent survey found that the average man has sex 1,000 times before marriage...
...and two after.

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Marriage counseling
Ahmed and Layla, preparing for their wedding, meet with their Mullah for counseling.

The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

Ahmed asks, 'We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together.'

'Absolutely not,' says the Mullah. 'It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately.'

'So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?'

'No,' answered the Mullah, 'It's forbidden in Islam.'

'Well, okay,' says Ahmed, 'What about sex? Can we finally have sex?'

'Of course!' replies the Mullah, 'Allahu Akbar! Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!'

'What about different positions?' asks the man.

'Allahu Akbar! Mafi Mushkila (no problem),' says the Mullah.

'Woman on top?' Ahmed asks.

'Sure,' says the Mullah.

'Allah Akbar. Go for it!'

'Doggy style?'

'Sure! Allahu Akbar!'

'On the kitchen table?'

'Yes, yes! Allahu Akbar!'

'Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?'

'You may indeed.. Allahu Akbar!'

'Can we do it standing up?'

'No, absolutely not!' says the Mullah.

'Why not?' asks the man.

'Because that could lead to dancing!'

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As is tradition in Italian families, Marol spends her wedding night in her family home.


Her mother sleeps in the adjacent room in case Marol has any questions.
Mama tells Marol, "You have any a problem, you come and see Mama."
Later, Marol's husband unbuttons his shirt, and Marol jumps up, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama! He has hair all over his chest!"
Mama reassures Marol, "Men have hair on the chest. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy."
But when Marol's husband takes off his belt, she goes jumps up again, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama! He has a protrusion in his pants!"
Mama reassures her, "He finds you beautiful. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy."
Finally, Marol's husband takes off his shoes. Due to a terrible childhood accident, he only has half of his right foot. Marol jumps up and runs back to her mother's room, shouting, "Mama, Mama! He has a foot and a half!"
Her mother gets up and announces, "Stand back, Marol this is a job for Mama!"

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The young fellow is about to marry and asks his grandfather how often a married couple should have sex.
His grandfather tells him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, maybe several times a day; later on, maybe once a week. As you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, maybe on your anniversary."
The young fellow asks, "How about you and Grandma?"
His grandfather replies, "Oh, we just have oral sex now. She goes into her bedroom and I go into my bedroom. She yells, 'F**k you,' and I holler back, 'F**k you, too!'"

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$20 dollars for sex
I man and woman get married, on the night of their wedding, the man approaches his wife, ready to make love for the first time. She smiles sweetly and sticks her hand out. "That will be $20 please!" He goes along with her game and gives her $20. As the years of their marriage go by, she continues her little $20 game, always requesting it before making love to her husband. He figures this is just her cute little way of getting spending cash for her clothes and lunch with her girl friends, so he always obeys.

After 30 years of marriage, he comes home one day, and tells his wife he has been fired from his job, they are broke, they have no retirement! She gathers her check book and shows him many lists of $20 deposits into a savings account. He realizes what she has been doing all a long, and says to her, "Damnit, if I would have known what you were doing I would have given you all my business."

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A married couple was walking down the street when an alien spacecraft landed in front of them.


A married alien couple walked out and said, "Hello, earthlings, we come in peace. We are scientists from the planet GRUDO-X and we want you to tell us all about your planet."
So they talked for hours, until they came to the subject of sex.
The humans told the aliens how humans have sex and the aliens were in shock!
It was very similar to the way the aliens did it.
The men in the group decided to have a little experiment with switching wives for a night.
When the human woman saw the alien man undress, she immediately laughed at his "thing."
The alien looked down and said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot."
And he hit his head twice and "it" grew at least two feet.
The woman said "Wow! That's impressive, but I could snap that thing if I wanted to."
So the alien pulled his ears twice and it expanded. The two had the greatest sex of their lives.
The next morning the human man came for his wife and asked, "How was it?"
The wife replied, "Great!"
The man said, "Well, for some strange reason thealien woman kept jumping on me, pulling my ears and hitting me on the head, screaming, "It's broken! It's broken!"

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Hallway sex.
After 35 yrs. of marriage, hubby and wifey pass each other in their hallway.

Man says "Fuck you".

Wife replies "Fuck you too".

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I'm in a same-sex marriage...
The sex is always the same.

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One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee.
The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is.
He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.
"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times.
It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"
The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night.
So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost.
His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

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A guy buys his first motorcycle.
The dealer tells him to keep a jar of Vaseline handy to rub on the chrome before it rains to prevent rusting.
A few months later, the young man's girlfriend invites him to dinner at her parents' house.
Before they go in, she explains their family tradition that whomever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After dinner, everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break.
After 15 minutes, the young man decides to speed things up.
He leans over and kisses his woman in front of her family.
No one says a word.
Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her.
Silence.
Desperate, he grabs her mother and has sex with her on the table.
Suddenly, they hear thunder rumble in the distance.
The guy thinks of his bike and, instinctively, pulls the jar of Vaseline out of his pocket.
"OK, OK," says the father, "I'll do the dishes!"

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A husband and wife are having problems in the bedroom
...so they go to a marriage counselor. After talking to them for a bit, the counselor concludes that the husband and wife are having communication problems. They need to come up with a very clear method of communicating their sexual needs to one another.

So on the drive home, the husband ponders this and finally says "I've got it!"

"When I want to have sex with you, I will reach over in bed and stroke your breast once. When I *don't* want to have sex, I will stroke your breast twice."

He continues: "When you want to have sex, reach over in bed and stroke my penis once. When you *don't* want to have sex, reach over and stroke my penis 100 times."

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A man and woman were celebrating their 50 year anniversary.


That night, the woman comes out of the bathroom completely naked and looks at her husband who is already in bed.
She says, "Honey, 50 years ago tonight, when I came out of the bathroom with no clothes on, what were you thinking?"
He said, "I was thinking that I wanted to suck your titties dry and fuck you until you couldn’t think straight."
She smiled at him and said, "So what are you thinking now?"
He said, "I think I did a pretty good job!"

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Newlyweds
A newly married couple had just returned from their honeymoon. As they were getting ready for bed that night, the young husband had an idea he wanted to run past his new bride.

He says "Sweetheart, we have had a lot of sex these last few days on our honeymoon. And I'm sure you can tell I have really enjoyed it. But I realize you aren't going to want to have sex every single night of our marriage. So I think we should develop a code for whether or not you want to have sex."

His new bride is very impressed with his being so understanding, and responds; "That is a wonderful idea! What do you have in mind?"

"Well Dear", he says, "If you want to have sex, just reach over and pull on my penis 2 times."

That sounded fine to her, so she then asks, "What should I do if I don't want sex?"

He thinks for just a moment and replies "Well I guess in the event you don't want to have sex, you should reach over and pull on my penis 2 or 3 Hundred times,,,"

*This is one I heard years ago, but have never seen it on here. If it is a re-post, my apologies.

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Jack and Paul
Jack and Paul are best friends. Jack has just gotten married and is preparing to go on vacation with his new wife. He has saved it for marriage, and it will be his first time ever having sex. He says to Paul, "I don't know what I'm going to do, I've never done this before."
Paul replies,"Don't worry, I'll stay in the hotel room next to yours. If you need help, just shout."
Once in the hotel room, Jack and his wife prepare to have sex. When Jack goes to the bathroom, his wife realizes she has to shit really badly. Not wanting to disturb Jack, she shits in a shoebox. When Jack exits the bathroom he steps in the shoebox and cries out "This box is full of shit!"
From the other room, Paul yells "Turn her over!"

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A guy goes to his psychiatrist complaining about his sex life...
Upon further discussion the psychiatrist suggests that the spark of excitement has gone out of his client's marriage.
"Perhaps," he suggests, "the next time you are feeling amorous, you should just take your wife, sexually and with abandon, right there and then, no matter the circumstance."
The man agrees that it seems a good idea. Two weeks later, he returns for his normal session with the psychiatrist.
"How did things go?" asks the psychiatrist.
"Absolutely amazing," says the man. "One night, as we sat down to dinner, I looked at my wife. She looked at me and we immediately made mad, passionate love right there on the table."
"So, things are good?" asks the psychiatrist.
"Couldn't be better," says the guy, "except we're can't eat at the Denny's next to our house anymore."

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an older man and his young wife are having problems in the bedroom...
the young women is unable to climax

so they decide to take the problem to their priest and ask for advice.

the priest confirms that sex is an important part of marriage and he suggests they hire a young man to wave a towel in front of the womens face to help her lose herself and to cool her down.

that night as they are having sex, the young man waves the towel but still no climax for the young women. so she suggests that her husband wave the towel and the young man have intercourse with her. all parties agree and the young women has an ear piercing shaking orgasm. afterwards the old man approaches the younger man and says

"see son, thats how you shake a towel"

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There are three types of sex in a marriage.


The first one is Kitchen Sex.
This is when you are newlyweds, and you're still having fun, so you do it anywhere, anytime - but mostly the kitchen.

The second type is Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have settled down a bit and probably have kids, so you can't do it anywhere except the bedroom.

The third type of sex is Hallway Sex.
This is when you pass each other in the hall and say, "Screw you."

But there's also a fourth kind called Courtroom Sex.
This is when you are getting a divorce and you try to screw each other in public.

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TOP HUSBAND JOKES THAT ARE SEX

Best and most vulgar jokes about husbands, housewives, marriage having sex.

I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...

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Deaf Sex
Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

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A lady goes to the doctor for help with her sex life...
Doctor: Give your husband viagra.

Lady: I can't, he hates pills.

Doctor: Just put it in his coffee.

Next week she returns, unhappy.

Doctor: Was it good?

Lady: It was the worst sex I ever had. He had a few sips of coffee, then he pushed everything off the table and fucked me on it right then and there.

Doctor: Well, then what's wrong?

Lady: I'll never be able to show my face at Starbucks again.

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A man doing market research for Vaseline knocked on a door...
...and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline." Have you ever used the product?'

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time,"
The researcher then asks, "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all...My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke.

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Do you know how to have sex?
Man walks up to a farmers house, knocks on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man ask if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, again, asked the same question. Again, not amused, she screamed get the hell away. Later, she told her husband of the incident. he said he would stay home the following day just in case.

Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while the lady answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she said yes. The man replied, great, give some to your husband the next time you see him , and tell him to keep away from my wife.

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The Mexican maid askes for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

Wife: "Now Juanita, why do you want a pay increase?"

Juanita: "Well, SeΓ±ora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you do."

Wife: "Who said that you iron better than me?"

Juanita: "Your husband said so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Juanita: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense. Who said you were a better cook than I am?"

Juanita: "Your husband did."

Wife, becoming increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

Juanita: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you are."

Wife, seething now, and through gritted teeth: "And did my husband say that as well?"

Juanita: "No SeΓ±ora.......the gardener did."

Wife: "Oh, ok! So, how much do you want?"

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nsfw Wife's New Panties
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex life. She puts them on, along with a short skirt and sets on the sofa opposite her husband. At certain moments during the game, she would uncross her legs, just long enough for her husband to see. Finally after a number of times he asks "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" "Yesss." she says smiling seductively "Thank God." he says "I thought you were sitting on the cat."

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A maid asks for a raise and the wife gets upset.
A maid asks for a raise and the wife gets upset.

She asks, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Helen: "No, the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

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You have some explaining to do...
A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom.
He'd only have sex with the lights off.
The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good.
However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light.
She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand.
There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do."
The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".

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68
A man urges his wife to try a new sex position - The . Curious, she asks about what romantic and exotic position her husband wants to try. "Well honey" he answers, "it's quite simple, you give me a blow job, and I owe you one"

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Sexy Math Time
So a 54 year old man cheats on his wife and leaves her a note saying that he has been sleeping with an 18 year.
The 54 year old wife reads the note, shrugs and writes one of her own.
When her husband gets home he reads the note, it says:
I know that you've been cheating on me with an 18 year old, but I have an 18 year old of my own and we all know 18 goes into 54 far more than 54 goes into 18.

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A deaf couple in bed with the lights out are...
A deaf couple in bed with the lights out are having trouble communicating to each other about whether or not they want to have sex. The husband has tried on a few nights, when the wife just isn't in the mood.

The wife decides that they need to have a system, so that they will know, in the dark, whether sex is an option for that night.

The wife explains to the husband, "If you're not in the mood for sex, squeeze my breasts once; if you're in the mood, squeeze them twice."

The husband agrees that this is a great idea, and suggests to her, "If you're in the mood for sex, pull on my penis once. If you're not in the mood for sex, pull on my penis 300 times."

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The deaf newlyweds
A deaf couple are newly married and are trying to figure out intimate relations. While the lights are out, the husband and wife keep misinterpreting signals for sex since there is no lighting.

One day, the wife decided they needed a way to signal each other during the night if they want sex or not. The wife suggests the husband squeeze her left breast once if he wants sex, and the right breast twice if he does not.

The husband thought this was a great idea. The husband said the wife should pull his penis once if she wanted sex, and pull it 50 times if she did not.

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How to spice things up
A man and his wife are having a lot of trouble when it comes to being creative in bed. The wife begins to become fed up with the same old boring routine sex so the husband decides to do his research. The next night, the husband is feeling good about himself and tells his wife that he has something big in store for her. They start doing it but after a few minutes the man all of a sudden pauses... and then resumes, and then pauses again.... So the wife asks him what the hell he is doing? The man says "It is called 'Buffering', and everyone seems to be doing it online!"

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Marital Secret
After thirty years of marriage, an Italian woman addressed her husband one evening.
'For thirty years I've done everything you expected and asked of me without complaint. Now after 30 years together I wish to ask two things of you so that I may be even happier in my old age.'
'What are they?' asked the husband.
'My love, you always picka your nose,' replied the wife, 'and I wish you would not do that.'
'And the other thing?' enquired the husband.
'Whenever we have sex, always you are on top and I would really like to be on top of you sometimes.'
'Well my dear' said the husband. 'I have tried, as you have, to make our marriage good, and foremost in my mind I have kept the words of your father when we were first married. He said only two things to me. First he said, "Now you marry my daughter make sure you always keep your nose clean." And second, he said, "Don't fuck up."

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So an old couple was getting ready for bed...
...when the old lady throws off her robe, revealing the skimpy negligee that she was wearing, jumps on her husband and yells "SUPER SEX!".

The man takes one look at his wife and says, "Well if you don't mind, I would like the soup."

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Super Pussy!
A middle aged woman decides it's time to spice up her sex life, so she decides to surprise her husband. After he gets home from work, she strips down naked, dawns a red cape, runs in the room, jumps in front of the TV and yells "Super-Pussy!"

After thinking about it for a second, her husband replies "Well, I think I'll have the soup."

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A husband and wife are talking about their relationship...
and the wife suggests they each pick one person that they can have sex with without the other getting mad. The husband agrees and lets the wife go first. She thinks about it for a bit and settles on Brad Pitt. The husband nods his head and says "The neighbor."

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Deaf Newlyweds
A deaf couple got married and on their wedding night, before going to bed, they decided to come up with a way to communicate in the dark.

The wife said, if you want to have sex squeeze my left breast once and if you don't, squeeze my right breast once.

The husband thought this was reasonable and said, ok if you want to have sex pull my penis once, if you don't, pull it 300 times.

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A researcher carrying out a phone survey on marital sex...
phoned one of the participants to check on a discrepancy. He asked the husband: "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse, you answered 'once a week,' but your wife answered 'several times a night.'"

"That's correct," said the husband. "And that's the way it's going to be until the mortgage is paid off."

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Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore...
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

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A wife and husband...
A wife and husband have been married for 30 years, and they only had sex with the lights off. One night the wife says turn the lights on, the husband says no, and they begin to bang. The wife turns the lights on in the middle of the act, and she sees the husband with a dildo. The wife says can you explain why have you been using a dildo all these years? The husband says I'll explain the dildo if you can explain the kids.

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A nurse is giving a sponge bath to a woman who has been in a coma for months....
When she runs the sponge up the woman's thigh the monitor beeps.
The nurse runs to the doctor and tells him this! He comes back, she does it again, and they are both shocked.
So they call the husband in and tell him what has happened.
"I know this is awkward, but we are going to suggest that you have oral sex with your wife." Says the doctor to the husband.
"Oh... Okay... If you think it will help..." Replies the husband. And he goes into the room and shuts the door behind him.
About ten minutes later the husband comes out and says,
"She's.... She's dead."
The nurse and doctor are shocked! "What happened?!?"
The husband replies,
"Well... She probably choked to death."

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An old lady wants to spice up her sex life......
so she buys red leather boots, a blue spandex jumpsuit and a cape. That night she runs into her bedroom and yells to her husband " SUPER PUSSY!". The husband says "Ill take the soup"

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I've invented a new sex position: the 114
I was 69ing with this girl wen her husband came home and shoved a 45 up my ass

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An old couple is sitting on the porch...
Suddenly the wife stands up and knocks her husband off his seat. The old man gets up and asks, "What was that for?!"
She replies, "Fifty years of bad sex."
Her husband nods, sits back down, and they continue sitting there for a while.
All of the sudden the man stands up and slaps the shit out of his wife.
Stunned she asks, "Why did you do that?!"
"That's for knowing the difference."

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Why don't you ....
A husband asks his wife after sex "Honey why don't you ever tell me when you are having an orgasm?" She replies "Well I would Dear but you are never home."

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A husband discusses sexual protocol with his new wife
"Honey" he says, when I want sex, I'll snuggle up to you and kiss your neck. If you're in the mood, turn around, grab my penis and pull on it twice. If you're not in the mood, turn around and pull on it a hundred times.

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A young lady, pregnant for the first time, visits her doctor for a check-up
After the exam, she says to the doctor, "My husband wants me to ask you..."

The doctor cuts her off and says, "I know, I know - it's normal. You can have sex until your third trimester."

The lady says, "No, that's not it. He wants to know how much longer can I can keep mowing the lawn."

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A conservative husband and wife are having trouble in the bedroom.
They decide to go to a doctor about it, the wife explains she is too embarrassed to talk about sex. The doctor suggests they use a euphemism to get over her problem. She agrees to try it and settles on "washing machine".

This works wonders until one night her husband comes home from the pub horny. He slips in to bed and taps Mary on the shoulder asking: "Mary, is the washing machine working tonight?". In a huff because he's been drinking all night, she tells him: "No, it's broken!" and goes to sleep.

The next morning Mary wakes up feeling a bit frisky herself, she wakes up her husband by whispering into his ear: "Johnny, the washing machine is working now." Half asleep, her husband turns to her and says:"Ah, it's alright love, it was a small load so I did it by hand."

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Good Mother in Law
A daughter was talking to her mom about married life, she told her mom that she wanted to divorce her husband because he liked anal sex. She told her mom that when she married her husband her asshole was the size of a dime and now it was the size of a quarter. Her mom said honey, he is a millionaire, he gives you $10,000 a week for clothes, you travel all the time, you have houses all over the world, you get a new Mercedes every 6 months and you are bitching about 15 cents?

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A wife wants to spice up her sex life...
So she goes decides to try crotchless panties. Her husband gets home from work and she's on the couch waiting for him. He walks by, looks at her, then goes in the kitchen and gets a beer. He comes back and sits down like nothing happened.

Finally, the frustrated wife yells "Don't you want some of this?"

And he says "Fuck no, look what it did to your underwear."

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A husband and wife have been married 15 years....
Whenever they have sex, the husband insists on doing it with the lights off.
One night, the wife has had enough and mid way through turns on her bedside lamp.
She's shocked to discover her husband laying there, holding a dildo.
Before she can open her mouth to say anything, the husband calmly says, "I'll explain the dildo, you explain the three kids."

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Deaf newlyweds
A deaf couple had just gotten married. They were pretty conservative, so they didn't have sex until their wedding night. Being conservative, the wife insisted they keep the lights off, which made communication in the bedroom a little tough for two deaf people, to say the least.

After the third consecutive night of frustrated attempted lovemaking, the wife sits the husband down and starts signing to him.

"We need to work out a system, as this clearly isn't working so far. To start, if you want to have sex, just reach over and squeeze my right boob."

The husband nods. Easy enough.

"... but if you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left boob."

Again the husband nods, and then adds "If you want to have sex, just reach over and pull my dick."

The wife nods, and is happy her husband is liking the new system.

"...but if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull my dick like five hundred times."

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An old married couple are sitting on their porch one morning...
...when suddenly the old lady lashes out with her cane and hits her husband on the knee.

"Ow! What'd ya do that for?" He asked.

"That's for 60 years of bad sex!"

He stewed in silence a few moments, rubbing his knee. All of a sudden he took his cane and thumped his wife on her knee.

"Ow! What's that for?"

"That's for knowing the difference."

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A joke about Viagra my grandfather told me. Slightly dirty.
A woman walks into a pharmacy and goes directly to the pharmacist.

Woman: Excuse me sir, my husband is having trouble getting hard and it's really affecting our sex life. Is there anything you'd recommend?

Pharmacist: Yes, I would recommend Viagra. It helps increase the blood flow to the penis, therefore it will be easier to get an erection.

Woman: Oh I see! And this is an expensive drug?

Pharmacist: Not at all, it only costs $10.00 a pill.

Woman: Very good! Can you get it over the counter?

He looks down or a few seconds...

Pharmacist: Well if I took a couple of them I probably could

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A poor couple...
A poor couple try their best to make ends meet. Times were hard, and there were days when the couple couldn't afford to eat. To curb their hunger, the couple would have sex.

One evening, the husband comes home from work and finds his wife humping the arm rest of the couch. Perplexed, the husband asks what she was doing. The wife responds, "nothing, just heating up your dinner."

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A man and a woman are having sex, when her husband comes home early
Quick she says, go into the bathroom and hide and she throws his clothes under the bed. The husband walks into the room and sees his wife naked on the bed. "Honey, what are you doing", he asks. "Oh, just waiting here for you so we can have passionate sex", she replies. "Great" he says as he goes into the bathroom to clean up. Upon entering the bathroom he sees a naked man staring up towards the ceiling and clapping his hands above his head every now and then. The husband asks "Who the hell are you?" The man replies, "I'm the exterminator, your wife called me up concerning a moth infestation". "But what about your clothes, you don't have any clothes on", the husband says. The man looks down at himself and exclaims, "Why those nasty little buggers!"

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A man walks into his front room...
...with a sheep under his shoulder, he sees his wife watching TV and says "this honey is the pig I have sex with each night" to which his wife replays "I think you'll find that's a sheep" as her husband replies "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep".

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How's your sex life?
3 women are having a conversation about their sex lives. The first woman has been married 1 year. "My husband and I have 'house sex' because we do it anywhere in the house, any time." The second woman has been married 10 years. "We have 'bedroom sex' which is only in the bedroom after the kids have gone to sleep." The third woman has been married 30 years. "My husband and I have 'hallway sex'... We pass each other in the hallway and say 'screw you!'"

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A wife gains some weight...
and this has affected the sexual desire of her husband which made him avoid sleeping with her as much as possible.

One day the wife decides that she wants things back to normal and insists her husband have sex with her. After 2 hours the husband has no other choice and agrees to have sex. The couple goes to the bedroom and the husband spends a couple of minutes mounting her, and after 2 more minutes:

Husband: honey, can we turn off the lights?
Wife: why dear? Are you still shy after 15 years of marriage?
Husband: no dear... But the lightbulb is burning my ass!

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The dumb blonde
A dumb blonde comes home to her husband having sex with another woman.
She finds her husbands gun and points it to her head and says " I can"t live after what you've done to me!!"
The husband says "No hunny don't kill yourself, we can work this out.
The blonde replies "don't worry you're next!"

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A newly wed couple laying in bed...
...the wife turns to her husband and says, "Sweetheart, I've decided we need to have a 'signal' that we want to have sex. If you want to have sex, reach over and pinch my nipple once. If you don't want to have sex, pinch it twice."

The husband says, "Okay, and if you want to have sex, reach over, grab my penis and pull once. If you don't want to have sex, reach over, grab my penis and pull 237 times."

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A Blonde, a brunette and a redhead
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She ' ll never know. "

So the next day they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss.

She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day.
In the morning, the brunette says, "That was fun, we should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught . "

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How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies," he responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

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A joke from my mom. A husband and wife are in bed...
A husband and wife are in bed watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Feeling frisky, the husband turned to his wife and asked, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No." she answered.

He then asked, "Is that your final answer?"

Without looking away from the TV, she replied, "Yes."

Without skipping a beat, the husband said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

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In the dark
A couple have been married for 20 years and the husband has always insisted turning off the light whenever they had sex. One day the woman got curious and during the love making she turned the light on. She was surprised to see the man using a dildo instead of his own pleasurestick. Infuriated, she asks him to explain why he lied and misled her for all those years. 'I will tell you' he calmly replied 'if you can explain to me how the hell we got kids!'

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So a couple own a Chinese restaurant..
One day after work the couple are having sex and the husband tells the wife, " I want a 69 " and the wife says, " Why are you ordering beef and broccoli now?"

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Several months
It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.

"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.

"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."

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Anniversary Sex
A husband and wife got back from their 30th wedding anniversary dinner, and the husband was laying down on the bed. The wife disappeared into the bathroom and went she came back, she was wearing crotchless panties.

"Super pussy!" she exclaims.

The husband looks at her and says, "I'll take the soup."

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there's an old couple trying to spice up their sex life...
and so one day the grandma visits a costume shop and buys a kinky supergirl costume. the next night, while watching tv, she stands in front of her husband with her cape over her shoulders, pussy fully bared and yells "super pussy!" and the grandpa replies "i'll have the soup."

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3 women were discussing their sex lives..
The first one said-"My husband is like a Hummer; big, strong and rock hard."

The second says-"My husband is like a Porsche; smooth, sleek and fast."



They look at the third one to speak up. She pauses for a second, and then says-"Mine's like an old Chevy.. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while its still going."

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A young married couple are shy about sex
and it was difficult for them the talk about it to each other. They decided to use an innocent phrase if they wanted to do the deed. They came up with the idea to call sex "doing the wash".

One night the young husband asked his wife if she wanted to go do the wash. She told him she was not in the mood, and he went to bed alone. The wife began to feel bad that she had denied her husband his pleasure, and shortly followed to the bedroom and told him that they could do the wash, to which he replied, "That's okay dear, it was a small load, so I did it by hand."

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Condom Warning
Condoms no longer guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

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Baking a cake
One night a wife and her husband were having sex on the living room couch and the next morning their 8 year old son asked his mom "what were you and dad doing last night? I heard a lot of noise." His mom, completely dumbfounded, answered "uuumm your dad and I were baking a cake."

A few nights later the wife and husband have sex on the couch once again. The next morning the son walks up to the mom with a smile on his face and says "you and dad were baking a cake last night weren't you?" The mom asked "how did you know?" The son answered "because I licked the frosting off the couch."

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A husband and wife are having sex...
The husband secretly records everything. He puts it up online, only for his wife to find out about it a week later.
She confronts him, saying: "What is the world coming to these days?"
The husband responds, "Us."

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Told you he was stupid
So a man came home from work to find his wife having sex with one a other guy and the husband says "what are you doing" and the wife says to her lover "I told you he was stupid".

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A man's wife has been in a coma for 6 months....
Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when she touches her. Ecstatic, they go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The husband finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor begins to flat-line... no pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. "What happened?!?" they asked.

"I don't know!" exclaimed the husband. "I think she's choking!"

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Since they were a married, a couple has only had sex with the lights off.
One day, the woman decides to turn the lights on, so while they're doing it, she turns them on and sees that he's shoving a cucumber in her.
She yells: Will you tell me what you're doing?!
The husband answers: I will if you tell me where our children are from.

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A deaf couple's honeymoon
There was a couple of newly weds that have been deaf since birth. Both of them decided to save themselves for their wedding night so they were nervous.


They didn't want to push their spouse to do anything they weren't comfortable with so they decided to create a way to communicate even in the dark.


The blushing bride signs to the husband


"If you do want to have sex, squeeze my right breast once. And if you do not, squeeze my left breast twice."


The husband agrees and responds


"If you do want to have sex, tug on my penis once. If you do not want to have sex, tug on my penis one thousand times."

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The couples had a code word "Washing machine" as signal for sex
As the couple had two children who couldn't be judged whether they're sleeping or not. One day, the husband became horny at night, so he signalled "Washing machine". But his wife was in head ache..So, she told she couldn't. After some time, feeling pity for her husband the wife signalled "Washing machine". The husband replied "I have washed it with my hands"

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My husband told me to find him the best penis enlargement product.


So I gave him a magnifying glass!

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The lab results are in!
Phone rings.

β€” Hello? Is this Miss Smedley?

β€” Yes? Who is this?

β€” This is the hospital. The lab results are in for your husband. But there is a problem.

β€” Oh?

β€” There was a mix-up in the lab, and we're not sure whether your husband has AIDS or alzheimer's.

β€” But that's terrible? What should we do?

β€” Send him on a walk, and if he comes back, do not have sex with him.

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An old lady went to visit her dentist.


When it was her turn she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants and raised her legs.
The dentist said: "Excuse me; I 'm not a gynecologist."
"I know," said the old lady "I want you to take my husband's teeth out."

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Married couple...
Were laying in bed talking and the wife says, "Honey, I've decided that we need a way to tell each other if we're interested in sex. If you're interested in doing it, reach over and pull on my nipple once, if you're not, pull twice." Husband says, "Okay. Well if you're interested in sex, reach over and pull on my dick once. If you're not interested in doing it, reach over and pull on my dick 327 times."

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I'm no Doctor
A husband and wife are at the hospital.. the wife is in a coma.

The doctor pulls the husband to the side and says "we have tried everything in the realms of medicine to revive your wife., but we have no progress.

Th last option I can suggest which will sometimes work is to perform oral sex with her - would you be willing?"

Husband says yes and the nurses slide the curtains closed for privacy.

A few minutes later the machine that goes beep flatlines and the nurses and doctor race in to help.

When they ask the husband what happened he replies -

"Well, I'm no doctor - but I think she choked to death"

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One lady to another, Do you talk to your husband during sex ?
Yes, if he calls on my cell.

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A man and his wife are in the hospital.
The wife has cancer and she is dying. Her hair has fallen out and she is covered in tumors. The wife says to the man, "I'm so sorry I have never given you oral sex" so in her weakened state she proceeds to go down on her husband. They both love it! She continues to give her husband oral sex over and over again, day after day; She starts to realize that she is getting healthier and healthier. The doctors think that it must be from all the oral sex she is giving her husband! Her hair grows back, the tumors dissipate and she returns to her normal healthy beautiful self. For the first time in months the wife walks back into their home and sees her husband crying. She asks, "why are you crying? I'm better!"

The husband replies, "I could have saved mom!"

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A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor!"

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Married Couple Dies After 62 Years Together
In California, a couple that had been married for 62 years died within 4 hours of each other. The husband was the second to die, after he had sex with prostitutes for four hours straight.

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A Chinese couple were having sex...
and the husband shouts out "I wanna sixty nine!"

The wife says, "you want beef and broccoli at a time like this??"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The wife bought a new see through nighty, wore it without any underclothes and came swinging before the husband.
Aroused Husband says, "You look so beautiful and sexy my darling."
The wife says, "I know that, I tried it the same way at the store and the salesman was the first one to tell me that."

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An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple in their bedroom.


The husband turned to his wife and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen action in years. If he wants sex, I think it's best to just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"I'm so relieved you feel that way," replies his wife, "because he told me he thinks you're really cute."

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So a man's wife is in a coma...
...and the nurse notices that when she bed-bathes the woman's genitals, there are small fleeting signs of life.

So the doctor explains to the husband and suggests that perhaps if he performed oral sex on her, it might bring her out of the coma.

So the husband goes in, but after a minute or so the woman's heart monitor flatlines and all the staff rush in to find her dead.

"What happened?" the doctor screams to the man.

"I'm not sure..." he says,

"...I think she choked"

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A pregnant woman goes to the doctor
... and she is worried about all the tasks she won't be able to do. She asks the doctor if she is still able to wash dishes. He tells her yes. She asks if she can still walk the dog. The doctor again tells her yes. Then she pauses for a moment. The doctor thinks he knows what she is about to ask. The woman starts to speak and says, "Doctor, my husband was wondering---" the doctor interrupted her and told her that yes, sex was still permissible and would not harm the baby. The woman looks at him and says, "No doc, my husband was wondering if I could still mow the grass."

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A widow thinks she's ready to date again
And signs up on several online dating sites. She browses through responses and replies to a guy who seems quite nice.

They go out on several dates and he always hints at sex but she always says "I'm not ready for that yet, my husband only recently passed away."


On the 5th date he takes her back to his place and things get steamy. As he pulls out his dick from his pants she pushes him away and says, "Im not ready for that yet, my husband only recently passed away."


He pulls out a black condom and puts it on and says, "Well, I'd like to offer my deepest condolences."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman was suspicious in the loyalty of her husband for a long time and she decided to make him jealous.
"My love, what would you say if I was having sex with your best friend?"
"I'd say you're a lesbian!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, "I hear that you’ve been telling people that I’m ugly!"
"Oh NO! I’ve just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive."
"I also heard that you’ve been calling me fat?"
"Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are."
"I’ve also heard that you’re saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!"
"Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"

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Do I look like a gardener?
A woman said to her husband: Do the garden

He replied: Do I like a gardener?

Then she said: Fix the tap

He replied: Do I look like a plumber?

Then she said: Fix the door handle

He replied: Do I look like a carpenter?
He went out that afternoon and returned to find the garden don, the tap and the handle fixed, and asked his wife how she did it.

The neighbor's son saw me in the garden and offered help She replied, and said he'd either do it for sex or a hamburger

The man said in shock: You gave him a burger, right?

She replied: Do I look like McDonald's?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

On the other day in a cemetery, I saw a woman who was rubbing her ass to a grave.


When I asked the reason, she answered: "It was my husband when he was alive; always he told me: 'Your ass is so sweet whenever any dead man touches it he'll be alive!'"

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A wrinkly old women decides to bring back the "spark" in her marriage...
She walks into her husband wearing nothing but bright red lingerie, her husband sees her and says: "What the hell are you wearing?! You know I have sensitive eyes and that color hurts them! change immediately!"

So she does what her husband says but still wants to have sex, so she changes to white lingerie and comes back to where her husband is sitting, he sees her and says: "it's still too bright for me, I can barely look at you."

She got a little frustrated with her husband so she decides to walk in naked this time, he sees her and says: "This is much better! all you need is a little bit of ironing and we're all set!"

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Dogs having sex with a bitch
One day, 5-6 dogs were "doing it" with a bitch ... one by one. A middle aged woman was watching this from her home window. She had a tear in her eyes. Watching her wife getting emotional, husband asked - Whats the matter dear? Is this bothering you?

The wife smiles back at him and says ... no, just reminiscing those golden college days.

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A Chinese Couple are having Sex ...
The Husband says ; "Oh i really fancy a 69 love, you up for it?"
The wife replies "why you want beef and broccoli now !"

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Practical thought:
A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes.


A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A wife who put her husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

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A man and wife are in the delivery and the baby is on its way
They decided to opt-out of learning the sex of the baby so they could be surprised. However, the husband was secretly wishing that it would be a boy that he could raise to be just like him. When the baby came out, it was a girl and the husband was a little disappointed. He said to the doctor, "She's beautiful, but damn I was really hoping for a boy."

The doctor chuckled and said, "Well, if you blow in her mouth hard enough..."

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Mobile
While engaged in the sex act, wife to her hubby, "You're just like a mobile."
The husband proudly asks, "You love my vibration."
Wife: Na Na Na... the moment you get into basement, your network fails!"


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A good one....
Most wives whose husbands fool around have to worry about their husbands getting AIDS from sex. Hillary just has to worry about her husband getting sex from aides.

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Code for "Lets Have Sex"
A newlywed couple purchase a new apartment and decide to break it in by having sex. They quickly discover that the walls are very thin and that the neighbors can hear everything, so they decide to come up with a code phrase to ask eachother if they would like to have sex. They both decide that their new code phrase will be, "Would you like to do some laundry?"

Later that night the husband is feeling frisky so he calmly asks his wife, "Hey sweetie. Would you like to do some laundry?"

In a worn out voice his wife responds, "No thank you honey. I'm too tired. I think I'm just going to go to bed tonight."

The next morning the wife wakes up feeling a bit horny. She rolls over and in a sexy voice she says, "Hey baby. I'm ready to do some of that laundry!"

In a very nonchalant tone, he turns toward her and says "Sorry sweetheart. I already did a load by hand."

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An old married couple talk sex.
Wife: What ever happened to our sex relations?

Husband: I don't know, they don't even send Christmas cards anymore.

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A woman wrote a complaint to the hospital in which her husband had surgery...
She wrote: After his surgery he lost all interest in sex.

The hospital answered: Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight

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Polish douche
Polish couple is having sex. Husband asks the wife, "why Won't you let me go down on you. Wife says "i haven't been feeling well down there and need to go to the doctor". Wife goes to the doctor and the doc says to her "all ya need is a good clean douche. Go to The pharmacy they all sorts of flavors raspberry, cherry etc whatever you want.". Wife goes to the pharmacy and sure enough they had all sorts of flavors raspberry cherry etc whatever she wanted. She goes home and tells her husband "well the doctor said all I needed was a good clean douche. I went to the pharmacy and they had all sorts of flavors raspberry cherry etc"....Husband says "what flavor did you get!". Wife responds "tuna fish"

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A woman says to her husband:
- Honey, the sink is broken, do you mind fixing it please?
- I 'm not a plumber!
- Honey, there's no more light in the bathroom , do you mind fixing it please?
- I 'm not an electrician!

The next day, the woman says :
- Honey, the neighbour came by and fixed everything!
- How much did it cost?
- He said I could either make him a cake or have sex.
- What did you do?
- Well, I 'm not a chef ...

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A woman answers the door to a market researcher.
A woman answers the door to a market researcher. Good morning, madam, I'm doing some
research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?
Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, scrapes and burns.
Do you use it for anything else?
Like what?
Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex.
Oh, of course. Yes, I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep my husband out!
............................................
Copy and Paste from internet

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Sexy Math So a 54 year old man cheats on his wife and leaves her a note saying that he has been sleeping with an 18 year...
So a 54 year old man cheats on his wife and leaves her a note saying that he has been sleeping with an 18 year.

The 54 year old wife reads the note, shrugs and writes one of her own.

When her husband gets home he reads the note, it says:

I know that you've been cheating on me with an 18 year old, but I have an 18 year old of my own and we all know 18 goes into 54 far more than 54 goes into 18.

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After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman’s nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you’re jealous!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
She whispers in his ear: "That’s me before the surgery."

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The woman was in bed with her lover and had just told him how stupid her Irish husband was when the door was thrown open and there stood her husband.
He glared at her lover and bellowed, "What are you doing?"
"There," said the wife, "didn’t I tell you he was stupid?"

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So there's this married couple...
They've been married for many years, and like a lot of married folk, they have a few inside jokes that they've come up with while married. A special one of these was calling sex, "doing the laundry."
So, one night, the husband, Fred, says to his wife Joanne, "Hey, lets do some laundry," while giving her a sly look. She says oh, my back hurts, I have a headache, etc. And Fred just shrugs and continues. Joanne calls back to Fred a few minutes later, "You know what, I'm feeling better. Let's do some laundry." Fred replies, "It was a small load, I did it myself."

I'll be here all night

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A Man and a woman met on top of a building.
Man: I just discovered that my wife is having an affair.


Woman: I caught my husband in bed with another woman.


Man: How about lets have sex together to get back at them?


Woman: Nice idea


Then they made passionate love.afterwards...


Woman: lets get back at them again!


They made love again for the second time.


Woman: Lets get back at them again!


They done the deed again and again to get back at their spouses. Then after the fifth time ...


Woman: Lets get back at them again!


Man: (looking very exhausted) I think we should forgive them already.

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A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for arsenic.
The pharmacist then asks what she needs it for, to which she replies: "I want to use it to poison my husband. The pharmacist says "Ma'am, I can not give you arsenic for that reason." The woman then pulls a photograph from her purse and hands it to him. It was a picture of two people having sex; the man in the photo was her husband and the woman was the pharmacist's wife. He then says, "Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize you had a prescription."

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TOP LIFE JOKES THAT ARE SEX

Best sexual jokes about people in various everyday situations. The best of sex life jokes.

I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.
Zero fucks were given.

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Tarzan learns about sex
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him.

And during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?

Tarzan not know sex he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.

Horrified Jane said,Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.

Here she said, pointing to her privates,you must put it in here.

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed What did you do that for?

Tarzan replied, Check for squirrel.

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A lady goes to the doctor for help with her sex life...
Doctor: Give your husband viagra.

Lady: I can't, he hates pills.

Doctor: Just put it in his coffee.

Next week she returns, unhappy.

Doctor: Was it good?

Lady: It was the worst sex I ever had. He had a few sips of coffee, then he pushed everything off the table and fucked me on it right then and there.

Doctor: Well, then what's wrong?

Lady: I'll never be able to show my face at Starbucks again.

----

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A girl was about to jump off a cliff...
A girl was about to jump off a cliff to end her life. Just as she was about to leap to her death, a homeless man approached from behind and shouted to ask her a question,
"Excuse me miss! Before you jump would you like to have sex with me?"
The woman replied angrily, "No I most certainly would not! How dare you try and take advantage of me in a situation like this!"
The homeless responded, "Very well then, I'll just wait for you to get to the bottom."

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Sex after surgery
A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

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nsfw Wife's New Panties
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex life. She puts them on, along with a short skirt and sets on the sofa opposite her husband. At certain moments during the game, she would uncross her legs, just long enough for her husband to see. Finally after a number of times he asks "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" "Yesss." she says smiling seductively "Thank God." he says "I thought you were sitting on the cat."

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My sex life is like a penguin,
I don't have a penguin.

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My wife says we should spice up our sex life with some stuff from 50 Shades of Gray.
First, she wants me to become a billionaire.

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a hobo finds a woman on the ledge of a bridge crossing a deep valley
Hobo: "hey, are you going to jump?"
Woman: "Yes I am going to jump. I can't go on with life"
H: "well, before you do that, don't you want to have sex a last time? like, say, with me?"
W: "ha, definitely not. You'll understand that if I'm about to commit suicide, I'm not really in the mood for sex. Plus, you're ugly and disgusting, so there's no way I will have sex with you"

The hobo sighs, then starts to walk away.

W (shouting at the hobo):"hey! why are you leaving??? aren't you going to try and prevent me from doing this? Tell me that I shouldn't jump?? that suicide isn't a solution? that life is worth living or some shit like that? ANYTHING???"

H: "well, normally I would, but now I gotta hurry so that you're still a bit warm when I reach the foot of the bridge"

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My sex life is exactly like my shopping.
I do it all online.

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Jane Meets Tarzan
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and while questioning him about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex.
"What`s that" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said "Oh, I use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide.
"Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Tarzan not stupid - check for bees."

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I've come to the conclusion that my sex life sucks.
I was masturbating the other day, and my hand fell asleep.

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Food has replaced sex in my life.
I can't even get into my own pants.

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Super Pussy!
A middle aged woman decides it's time to spice up her sex life, so she decides to surprise her husband. After he gets home from work, she strips down naked, dawns a red cape, runs in the room, jumps in front of the TV and yells "Super-Pussy!"

After thinking about it for a second, her husband replies "Well, I think I'll have the soup."

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So two people are about to have sex for the first time
and the lady says, "Unfortunately I have small boobs, is that alright with you?"

To which the male replies, "Yea it's alright, I have a dick like a baby."

After the sex the lady exclaims, "You have the biggest penis I have ever seen in my life, Why did you say it was like a baby?"

"It is. 9 pounds 6 ounces and a foot in height."

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Life is like a box of chocolates...
It's expensive, you don't like half of it, and sometimes you can give the whole thing to a woman and she still wont have sex with you.

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An old lady wants to spice up her sex life......
so she buys red leather boots, a blue spandex jumpsuit and a cape. That night she runs into her bedroom and yells to her husband " SUPER PUSSY!". The husband says "Ill take the soup"

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Simple Truths 1 & 2
SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say,
"Congrats ".
But none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".

Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.

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An old couple's sex life..
An old couple well into their 80's had stopped having sex. Their sex life consisted of the woman simply holding the old man's penis in her hand.
One day the woman notices the man seems distant. She asks if he is seeing another woman and he admits that he is. Furious, she yells- "what does she have that I don't?!"
And he answers, "Parkinson's."

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Tarzan and Jane were in the jungle...
... and while Jane was asking Tarzan about his life she asked him how he had sex.
Tarzan wasn't sure what she meant so she proceeded to explain.
Tarzan explained that he used a knot hole in a tree trunk.
Jane was shocked by this and said 'You can't do it like that I will have to show you'.
So she takes of all her clothes, lays onto the ground and points to her privates 'Put it in there' she says.
So Tarzan takes off his loin cloth and gets closer and then kicks her as hard as he can in the groin.
Jane is rolling around in agony and says 'What did u do that for?'
Tarzan says 'checking for squirrels'.

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Good Mother in Law
A daughter was talking to her mom about married life, she told her mom that she wanted to divorce her husband because he liked anal sex. She told her mom that when she married her husband her asshole was the size of a dime and now it was the size of a quarter. Her mom said honey, he is a millionaire, he gives you $10,000 a week for clothes, you travel all the time, you have houses all over the world, you get a new Mercedes every 6 months and you are bitching about 15 cents?

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A wife wants to spice up her sex life...
So she goes decides to try crotchless panties. Her husband gets home from work and she's on the couch waiting for him. He walks by, looks at her, then goes in the kitchen and gets a beer. He comes back and sits down like nothing happened.

Finally, the frustrated wife yells "Don't you want some of this?"

And he says "Fuck no, look what it did to your underwear."

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Ladies discussing their sex life...
Ladies discussing their sex life...

Mrs. John- I notice that when I go down on Mr. John and give a blowjob, his balls are always cold.

Mrs. Jamesβ€”Mr. James's balls are cold too, when I give a Blowjob.

Mrs. David (is shocked)-- How can you both do such thing, It is disgusting.

Both explain to Mrs. David that a blowjob is the best way to getting him into buying new Jewelry.

Mrs. David agrees and says-I will try tonight.

Next Day....Both are shocked to see Mrs. David's face bruised and beaten black n blue,

What Happened they asked ??

Mrs. David-- My Husband did this.

Other Two Ladies- But why ??

Mrs David -- I don't know, I was giving him a blowjob and all I said was - Hey your balls are also cold like Mr. John and Mr. James

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Bum wine
A gay guy walking down the street, really down in the dumps over his sex life, overhears a bum in an alley say to another bum "whenever I get good and drunk, I can't remember a thing. I mean, it doesn't even take much and I am just out cold, dead to the world".
Upon hearing this, the gay guy gets an idea. He leaves 10 dollars in the homeless man's cup and walks away. Now this guy hadn't seen so much as a dollar in weeks so the first thing he does is go to the corner store and buys a bottle of wine. He slams it down, and passes out in his alley. The gay guy, waiting for this, jumps at the chance to release a little sexual frustration and just goes to town on this guy. Come to find out, it's the best sex he's ever had. So he finishes, leaves 20 dollars in the mans cup and heads home.
The homeless guy wakes up with no recollection of the evening and 20 dollars in his cup. Ecstatic, he goes and buys 20 dollars worth of wine. Once again, he passes out and the gay guy swings by to get his rocks off.
This continues for a few days until he's leaving 100 dollars in the cup when he leaves. The homeless man heads to the corner store again and slams 100 dollars down on the table. The clerk says "100 dollars worth of wine, coming right up". Homeless guy says "no, no, no, lemme get a 100 dollars worth of whiskey. I don't know what's up with that wine you sell here, but goddamn it makes my ass hurt."

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Dirty Joke
My sex life with my wife has started degrading.

Guess it's time to Bury her corpse

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My girlfriend is quite pessimistic about our sex life,
but I'm a vagina half full kind of guy.

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My therapist told me the reason I have a lower sex life than I want
Is because I misinterpret what people are telling me. I'm pretty sure she wants my dick.

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Multiple personality disorder has made my sex life hard...
I want to masturbate , but I'm not into orgies.

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A joke about Viagra my grandfather told me. Slightly dirty.
A woman walks into a pharmacy and goes directly to the pharmacist.

Woman: Excuse me sir, my husband is having trouble getting hard and it's really affecting our sex life. Is there anything you'd recommend?

Pharmacist: Yes, I would recommend Viagra. It helps increase the blood flow to the penis, therefore it will be easier to get an erection.

Woman: Oh I see! And this is an expensive drug?

Pharmacist: Not at all, it only costs $10.00 a pill.

Woman: Very good! Can you get it over the counter?

He looks down or a few seconds...

Pharmacist: Well if I took a couple of them I probably could

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How's your sex life?
3 women are having a conversation about their sex lives. The first woman has been married 1 year. "My husband and I have 'house sex' because we do it anywhere in the house, any time." The second woman has been married 10 years. "We have 'bedroom sex' which is only in the bedroom after the kids have gone to sleep." The third woman has been married 30 years. "My husband and I have 'hallway sex'... We pass each other in the hallway and say 'screw you!'"

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A nun and a priest are on a camel on the middle of the dessert...
When suddenly, the camel drops dead, they are left stranded in the middle of nowhere, not a single drop of water, no civilization in sight. the priest realizes this may be the last moment of his life, so he decides to have sex with the nun. He pulls up his robe and shows his penis to the woman, confused, having never seen a penis, she asks.

"What is that?"

"This is made to give life"

"Well, then give life to the camel!"

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My wife suggested we could try to spice up our sex life by playing a game with a vegetable...
The sex was crap but I kicked Stephen Hawkings arse at monopoly.

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If it weren't for pickpockets...
I'd have no sex life.

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My sex life is like the punch line of this joke

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A boy has sex for the first time...
he comes home and tells his father the exciting news. "Oh son, that is great! You're a man now, I'll go and grab some beers."

The father returns and hands his son a beer and says "now, do you have any questions about your experience of sex? It's an important part of your life."

The boy says "Yes I do. How long until my bum stops hurting?"

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What does a black man do after sex? (somewhat racist)
15 to Life!

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I'm scheduled for a vasectomy next Wednesday, but I am a little worried.
I hear it can make a vas deferens in my sex life.

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My girlfriend said she wanted to spice up our sex life so....
.....I began with cumin on her tits.

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Dirty old man
An old man was sitting on a bench when a teenager with a rainbow mohawk walked by. The old man stared at him. Seeing him star, the teenager said "What's the matter old-timer, never done anything crazy in your life?" The old man replied "Many years ago, I got drunk at a wild party and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering whether you were my son."

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(NSFW) A drunk tries to ride a crazy bull...
Two drunk guys in a bar talk about their sex life. They come to their favourite positions and the drunker one says:
'Do you know the 'crazy bull'-position? It's tough man! '
The other one shrugs.
'Well, you take your wife from behind and while you're at it you lean forward and hold her as tight as you can and try not to let go..'
The other one asks what's tough about that.
'The moment you have a tight grip..you whisper in her ear 'your best friend always loved this position too ...my record is 4,5 seconds, a black eye and no sex for 5 weeks. Good luck man!'

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The Man and the Genie.
A genie appears to a man and offers him three wishes. However, the genie explains there are a few stipulations. None of these wishes can have anything to do with eternal life, sex, or money. The man mulls it over for a minute and finally looks up at the genie.

"I think I'm good then."

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I just found out that my pillow has a better sex life than me
It gets head every night

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there's an old couple trying to spice up their sex life...
and so one day the grandma visits a costume shop and buys a kinky supergirl costume. the next night, while watching tv, she stands in front of her husband with her cape over her shoulders, pussy fully bared and yells "super pussy!" and the grandpa replies "i'll have the soup."

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Ebay products are like sex
You look at it online a lot but never see it in real life

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Never found it...
There was a man, and he was telling his friend about how he saved a girls life, earlier that same day.
'Dude, there was this girl, who was tied up on the train tracks and I saved her, then we had sex. All the positions , everything!' Said the man.
Nice man! Did she give you a blowjob?' Said his friend.
'Oh no,' said the man, 'I never found her head.'

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My blackjack game is a lot like my sex life.
I always hit on 16.

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So a couple are having sex troubles and go to a therapist
the theripist say "throw a grape in her vagina every one you make eat it."
"Throw donuts at his penis, everyone you make you eat."
The couple's sex life is saved, and they tell their friends which have also have sex troubles.
The friends go to the therapist he says he can't help them.
They say "what about our friends with the grapes, and donuts?"

The therapist says "alright, you guys are gonna need watermelons, and cheerios."

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Looking forward to a happy rest of your life!
In the first 5 years of marriage, you have house sex: sex in every room of the house.

After about 10 years, you typically just have bedroom sex: sex in the bedroom.

After about 20, you have hallway sex: you walk by your S.O. in the hallway, and say, "Fuck you."

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Life is like oral sex, one slip of the tongue and you're in the shit.

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My sex life is like a Wild West saloon...
Liquor in the front, poker in the rear

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The most embarrassing moment of my life was probably walking in on my parents having sex
after 45 minutes my dad was like, dude, get out of here!

i think mark hoppus said this one

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What do black men do after sex?
15 to life.

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My sex life is ruined
Yesterday my doctor diagnosed me with a disease which will ruin my sex life forever.

Your probably thinking Gonorrhea, Chlamydia or Aids!

It's much worse than that!

I've got arthritis in my hands!

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3 Stages of Sex:

1. House Sex - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house, in every room.
2. Bedroom Sex - After you've been married for a while and you just have sex in the bedroom.
3. Hall Sex - After you've been married for many years, and you just pass each other in the hall and say, "F**k you!"

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A dick has a sad life.
His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

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A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

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Why did Heisenberg have a miserable sex life?
Because when he found the correct position, he didn't have the momentum, and when he finally found the time, he didn't have the energy.

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A Catholic priest is asked to describe his sex life.
"Well," he says, "if I'm not having nun, I'm having very little."

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"Don't knock masturbation..."
"It's sex with someone you love."... Woody Allen.

Moar...

'Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damn good.'

And lastly...

'My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.'

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An old man was sitting on a bench ...
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair coloured green, red, orange, blue and yellow.

The old man just stared. The young man said: " What's the matter, old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man replied: " Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son. "

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Whats long and hard and has cum in it? A cucumber.

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My sex life is like a Ferrari
I don't have a Ferrari

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I don't believe Prince Andrew paid for an underage sex slave.
That sponger's never paid for anything in his life.

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Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

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I finally got around to getting a vasectomy the other day...
but there hasn't been a vas deferens in my sex life since then.

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A guy buys an old brass lamp at a garage
He takes it home, starts to clean it up, and a genie pops up.

He say, "Great! I get three wishes, right?

The genie says, "Sorry, no. People were asking for all kinds of ridiculous stuff. We had to cut it down to one wish, and it's multiple choice. You can either get a better sex life, or a better golf game.

The guy thinks for a minute, and says, "I can hit off the tee, but my short game could use some help. I'll take the better golf game."

The genie says, "Really? We've been doing this for years now, and you're the first who didn't ask for a better sex life. You must be swimming in pussy. How often do you get laid, a couple of times a day?"

"Oh no, nothing like that."

"Well, at least once a day, right?"

"No, not that often."

"How often?"

"Once a week, maybe twice."

"You're having sex once a week, and you don't want to improve that?"

"I do pretty well for a priest in a small town who doesn't drive."

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What do black men do after sex? *racist joke*
15 years to life.

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Homeless man saves suicidal victims life.
A beautiful young lady was standing on the side of a building, contemplating suicide when a homeless man walks up and says " are you going to kill your self? " the young lady replied " YES! And your not stopping me " so he tells her " since your gonna die anyways, can we have sex before you jump? " she say " EW! no way, your a stinky old bum " so he smiles and then says " well that's no problem, I'll have sex with your dead body after you jump " completely disgusted, the girl walks off the ledge and decides to give life another shot.

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My sex life is like flipping a coin.
I'm not getting head whenever I chase tail.

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Programming is like sex.
One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

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A golfer makes a hole in one.
A guy is out golfing by himself one evening. On a short par three, he makes a hole in one. As he takes the ball out of the hole, a fairy appears and says.
" I am the hole in one fairy. I can grant you a boon, you can either shoot par on every round from now on, or you can become the greatest lover in the world."
They guy thinks it over and says: " I think I want to shoot par."

The fairy says: " you must have a pretty good sex life, how often do you have sex?"
The guy says: " Maybe once every two weeks."
The fairy says: "Is that all?"
The guy replies: " For a priest in a small town, that's pretty good."

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A punk rocker gets on the bus with green, yellow, purple and orange hair.


An old guy sitting on the bus stares at him, and the punk says, "What's the matter, old man, didn't you ever do anything wild in your life?"
And the old man says, "Yeah, one time I fucked a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid."

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Why is being in the military like a blow-job? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

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Success is like pregnancy.
Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

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What do black guys do after sex?
15 years to life

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Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

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Q: What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction?
A: What the Fuck! and What a Fuck!

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How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He's breathing.

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You are so selfish!
You're going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night.

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An old man goes into a pharmacy, asks for two Viagra pills and demands that the pharmacist cut them in half.
The pharmacist winks at him, "OK, but do you realize they won't be as effective?"
The old man says, "Listen sonny, I'm 80 years old. I don't want them for sex. I need them for getting me hard enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

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WhatΒ΄s the difference between a goodyear and a fucking good year? 365 condoms.

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What's the definition of a Yankee? Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.

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Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

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I may not be getting laid tonight, but I'm definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.

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Virginity is not dignity, but lack of opportunity.

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A man and a woman are having sex for the first time
The man climaxes, but is still mounted on top of the woman.

He says to her, "Y'know ... I gotta level with you. This was some of the worst sex of my life. Your hair won't get out of your face, your breasts are small and almost boney, and you seem to have no natural lubrication whatsoever."

The woman replies, "Jesus, dude, get off my fucking back."

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My girlfriend was taking a survey online about "Which holiday describes your sex life?"
She wasn't happy with me when I chimed in, "Day of the Dead."

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I told my doctor that I was 20 lbs over weight, and my sex life was no good...
I told my doctor that I was 20 lbs over weight, and my sex life was no good...he said, run 10 miles a day for 2 weeks and call me. I did, and told him how happy I was that I had lost the 20 lbs, he said good, but what about your sex life? I said, I dunno, I'm 140 miles away from home.

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My wife said sex with me is like enjoying a piece of Fruit Stripes gum...
The best 3 seconds of her life.

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So a man's wife is in a coma...
...and the nurse notices that when she bed-bathes the woman's genitals, there are small fleeting signs of life.

So the doctor explains to the husband and suggests that perhaps if he performed oral sex on her, it might bring her out of the coma.

So the husband goes in, but after a minute or so the woman's heart monitor flatlines and all the staff rush in to find her dead.

"What happened?" the doctor screams to the man.

"I'm not sure..." he says,

"...I think she choked"

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A priest passed near a young boys gang that were hanging out next to the church.


He went close to them and asked them: "What are you boys doing there?"
"Not much, Father. We are playing a game in which however says the biggest lie about his sexual life, wins!"
"Oh, boys!" surprised said the priest. "When I was your age I wasn’t even thinking about sex!"
And the boys unanimously: "You won, Father!"

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Don't judge women by kilos, and you won't be judged by centimeters.

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Q: Why is life like a penis?
A: Women make it hard!

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Practical thought:
A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes.


A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life...

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3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome.

So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!

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When checking out at the grocery store, I always pick the cashier who's most likely to have sex with me. I always end up at the self-checkout.

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Before sex, you help each other get naked.


After sex, you dress only yourself.
Moral: In life no one helps you once you're fucked.

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The only thing harder than midterms was my penis when I found out Bruce Jenner was switching genders.

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My sex life has really taken a turn for the worse...
I mean the only excitement I get these days is when I turn on the lamp and the bulb blows.

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What do black guys do after sex?
25 years - life

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TOP YO-MAMA JOKES THAT ARE SEX

Best sexual jokes and insults about Yo mama having sex.

Yo mama so fat when you have sex with her you have to slap her stomach and ride the wave in.

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Little Johnny, "Why are you so fat?"
Little Billy, "Cause Every time I fuck ur mom she gives me a doughnut."

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Yo' Mama is so fat, you have to slap her thigh and ride the wave in to have sex with her.

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Your momma's like a shotgun 2 cocks and shes ready to blow.

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Your mama is so stupid, when she lost her dildo she called the cops to look for it.

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Yo momma so fat when I crawl in her pussy I can't find my way out.

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YO MAMA IS SO STUPID SHE GOT FIRED FROM A BL*W JOB.

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Yo' Mama is so fat, after sex, she smokes a turkey.

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Yo mama's so fat that, after sex I rolled over twice and was still on the bitch!

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Yo momma's clitoris is as long as my dick.

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Yo Mama's so ugly, I can f**k her in any position and it'll still be doggie-style.

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Yo mama is so stupid, she did her dad last night.

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Yo mama is so fat whenever I want to make sex I would request her to fart in order to find the address of her ass.

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Yo mama's like a library, she's open to the public.

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Yo' Mama is so skanky, when yo' daddy suggested doggie style, she laid down and licked her balls.

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Yo' Mama is so skanky, her idea of safe sex is to lock the car doors.

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Yo mama ass so big your dad's dick gets lost in it.

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Yo moma so fat that when I tried to have sex with her I burned my ass off the lightbulb.

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Two men were talking:
First : "

Can U put the word 'penis' in a sentence?"
Second: "Yo mama's pussy."

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Yo mama so fat, when your dad tried eating your mom's pussy his head stuck in.

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CONCLUSION

Best of 760 Funniest Sex Jokes. From pick up lines, knock knock and sexual harassment jokes, to dirty one liners for men, feminist women, and all the adult funny jokes that will have you scxreaming in laughter.

You've read some of the best sex jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of puns about sex. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty sex gags to your kids.

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