Severed Head Jokes

62 severed head jokes and hilarious severed head puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about severed head that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Severed Head Short Jokes

Short severed head jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The severed head humour may include short severed arm jokes also.

  1. In the famous severed horse head scene in The Godfather they originally were going to use a Swordfish. It didn't really fit in with the marlin brand-though.
  2. I saw a man with a several rabbits on his head today... When I inquired as to why he had rabbits on his head, he simply stated "From a distance they look like hares"
  3. The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine. I think I struck a nerve.
  4. A man serves up a severed head on a cooking show. The judge gives him a 7/10.
    'The flavour has little body', he says. 'However, the execution is almost perfect.'
  5. I was in a coffee shop when something exploded and came really close to severing my head. I said, "Wow! I was almost decaffeinated!"
  6. Somebody said that Chuck s**..., since then their severed head with many foot marks have been found...

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Severed Head One Liners

Which severed head one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with severed head? I can suggest the ones about shaved head and huge head.

  1. A man walks into a bar he suffers a severe head injury.
  2. A man walks into a bar... ...and is sent to the hospital with a severe head injury.

Silly Severed Head Jokes for a Good Time with Friends

What funny jokes about severed head you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean balding head jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make severed head pranks.

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.
His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.
"Incredible!," says his friend.
"Medical science is amazing."
Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off.
Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.
"Incredible!," says his friend.
"Medical science is amazing!"
Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head.
Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his friend but can't find him.
He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, "Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday."
The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

I spotted several pairs of men's Levi's at a garage sale.
They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33.
So I asked the owner if he had a pair.
He shook his head.
"I'm still wearing the 33s," he said. "Come back next year."

#2857: Two priests are in a shower.

They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he sees three newly inducted nuns from other city heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice, and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells:
"Holy Mary, Mother of God! LIQUID SOAP TOO!"

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a little head.......

After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head."
The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on an deserted island."
He continued, "after several months on this deserted island, a beautiful mermaid suddenly appeared and granted me three wishes."
"My first wish is that I'd like to be rescued from this island I told her."
To which the Mermaid said, "tomorrow a rescue boat will find you."
"My second wish is that I'd like to be rich for the rest of my days."
The Mermaid said, "invest early in these companies, and you will be a wealthy man...and what is your final wish?"
"Well Mermaid, you know I've been stranded on this island for so long, and seeing as you are so beautiful, I'd wish for nothing more than to sleep with you."
The Mermaid sighed and said, "I cannot grant you that wish, you see I'm a half fish, it would not work."
Frustrated, the man said, "Well how about a little head then?"

Three men waited patiently for their babies to be born...

One was a black man, another was a m**..., and the final was a southern r**.... From the maternity ward, they hear their wives cry in the final push to give birth, but just then all the lights go out. There's a huge commotion and finally after several minutes the lights come back on. The head obstetrician comes out to speak to the new fathers.
"I have good news and bad news. The good news is that your wives are just fine, and you each have a brand new baby boy. The bad news is that with the loss of electricity and all the commotion of childbirth, we sort of lost track of which baby is which. The only thing I can think of to do is let each of you go in and choose the baby you think is yours."
The southern r**... speaks up, "Well, i want to go first. I just won't have it any other way!"
The r**... goes in to view the newborns, and comes out a moment later with a black baby.
The black man protests, "Hey, you know that's not your baby!"
The r**... replies, "Maybe so, but at least I know it's not a d**... m**...!"


Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a f**... of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position...still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel?'
'Feels great,' he replied, 'but I still think my thumb's broken!'

Another golf joke

A guy who is a fanatical golfer has finally dragged his wife out to play, and the guy hits his ball behind a small pump house. He says, "I'll just take a s**... and drop it over here to the side." But his wife says, "No honey, look, the pump house has two doors. If I open them both you can hit right through it." So she opens the doors and he swings but the ball bounces off the door frame and hits his wife right in the head, killing her instantly.
Several years later he's remarried to another woman who loves golf and they're playing the same course, when his ball lands right behind the same pump house. Again he says, "I'm just gonna drop my ball over here and take a s**...." But his new wife says, "No honey, look, the pump house has two doors. If I open both of them you can hit straight through." He says, "Ohhhhh no. I'm not doing that! I tried that a few years ago and you know what happened? I got a 10 on that hole!"

The Man with the Tiny Head

A man walks into a bar, seemingly normal sized body, but he has what can only be described as a head so tiny, it was unfit to be on top of his neck. He goes up to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Drinks are on the house if you don't mind me asking what is wrong with your head."
The man stares at him slightly and says, "I was stranded on an island, my plane had crashed. A few days in I found an old fashioned bottle and when I picked it out of the sand, a beautiful genie appeared. I still can not forget her, her beauty was indescribable. She said to me that she would grant me any wish I desired. I, of course, wanted to go home, but this woman was unlike anything I had ever seen before and I had been away from my wife for several weeks. I asked her to have s**... with me and she said she was sorry, but she did not grant wishes for s**... and that I had to wish again."
"So, what did you do?" asked the bartender.
"I did what any man would do." said the man. "I looked her straight in the eye and said if we can not have s**... then how about just a little head instead?"

Dinner with the parents

A young man began to go steady with a girl who he had been dating for several months. She decided it was time for him to meet her parents and invited him over for dinner that night. Deciding that he may get a chance to get lucky that night, he stopped at the pharmacy to pick up condoms before he went to his girlfriend's house. He got there, sat down for dinner, and everyone bowed their heads in prayer. One minute passed and everyone except the young man began to eat, as the young man kept his head bowed. Five minutes passed, and he still kept his head down. After ten minutes, the girl whispered to the guy, "I didn't know you were so religious." The young man whispered back, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist."

The Vicar's Salary

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to
a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Glasgow, stands up and
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every
year, and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if
the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary
and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school
education for all of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him free s**....'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you
to say that?'
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking
his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'.

A child was born without a body...

The doctor said there was nothing they could do, but the parents cared for their child anyways.
Several years later, the parents were approached by the same doctor, saying, "I've got some good news. We now have the capability to give your child a body, would you like that?" Of course the parents were overjoyed and immediately agreed.
Another few years went by, and the parents enjoyed being able to hold their child at least, but they wanted their child to have the best life possible, so of course they accepted when the doctor offered to give their child arms.
They loved being able to play with their baby, but were sad that they couldn't teach him to walk. They prayed for the day that the doctor would come just one last time, and it finally came. The doctor asked if they would like to try a new procedure to give their child legs, and they joyfully accepted.
They enjoyed all their time running and playing with their newly whole child, until one day the child was playing in the yard and ran right in front of a cement truck and died.
I guess you could say that the moral of this story is, "stop while you're a head".

Cliché: A guy is drinking in a bar.

He has quite a few drinks and the bar tender has to cut him off. The guy stumbles out of the bar very drunk. As he stumbling down the street he sees a nun passing by. Just as she is passing him he punches her square in the nose. While she is on the ground, he kicks her in the ribs several times. Then he lifts her above his head and drops her on his knee with a back breaker. He then picks her up and tosses he into a dumpster. He jumps up on the side of the dumpster and yells in, "not so tough tonight are you batman?"

The Cask of Amor-illado.

A man and woman are involved in a severe car accident. Although the cars are totaled, they both crawl out of the wreckage, each without a scratch. The man immediately starts swearing. Women are the worst drivers on earth! They shouldn't be given driver's licenses!
The woman sighs and points to the wreckage. Look at our cars. Completely destroyed, yet we are must be a sign from God. He's telling us the sexes should be compatible, and live in peace together.
Swayed by this profound sentiment, the man pauses and replies, "Maybe you're could be a sign from God. Then he shakes his head. You're still at fault in this accident! Women shouldn't be allowed to drive!
The woman smiles evenly and says, But look here--another miracle. Although my car was completely destroyed, this bottle of red wine escaped, uninjured. Surely God wants us to drink this wine together, to celebrate our good fortune.
With a generous nod, she hands the bottle to the man. The man shrugs, accepts the wine and drains half of it immediately--in one long, glorious draught. With a dramatic flourish, he passes the bottle back to his new spiritual companion. The woman puts the cap back on and drops it in her handbag, zipping it tightly.
The man glances at her. Aren't you having any?
No…think I'll just wait for the police...

The farmer and the mule.

An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule, which he did as often as possible.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her s**... in the back of the head and killed her dead on the spot.
At the f**... several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement, but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the f**..., the minister spoke to the old farmer and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women but always shook his head and disagreed with all of the men.
The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

Bill and Tom are working at the local sawmill.

One day Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the local hospital.
Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in rehab exercising". Tom couldn't believe it, but there's Bill out the back exercising his now reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill. But a couple of days go by, and then Bill slips and severs his leg on the saw again. So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill off to hospital. Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies "He's in rehab again, exercising". Sure enough, there's Bill out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. Bill comes back to work in two days, fully recovered.
But, within a couple of days he has another accident and this time severs his head. Tom puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Bill to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is. The nurse breaks down crying and says, "He's dead!" Tom is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in?", sighs Tom. "No," says the nurse, "Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

A young couple had been dating for a while but hadn't yet done the deed...

A young couple had been together for several weeks but had not yet had s**.... Alexa, the girl, says to her boyfriend John, "we can have s**... if you can make a good impression on my parents over dinner."
John gets so excited, it being his first time, that he runs straight to the pharmacy to pick up condoms. Because he had never done this before, he consults the pharmacist on which brand he should get. They talk a while about which brands are best for what, given his size, how much s**... he's planning to have, how k**... it will be, etc. Eventually John decides on the Family Pack, figuring it covered all his bases.
John arrives at Alexa's house that night and he, Alexa, and the parents sit down for dinner. Alexa's father asks John if he'd like to say grace. John nervously bows his head and goes on and on thanking the Lord for the dinner, thanking Alexa's parents for their hospitality. He prays for a good ten minutes and, even after he had finished, he keeps his head bowed throughout the entire meal.
As he is getting up to leave, Alexa comes up to him. "That was great honey. I think you made a great impression on my parents. Your grace was lovely, I never knew you were so religious!" To which he replied, "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist."

Oldie but a goodie

An old farmer was busy plowing his field when he heard a terrible noise and looked up. A busload of politicians was careening wildly down the road, then spun out of control, flipped several times, and crashed into tree.
The old farmer hurried to the site of the accident. Seeing the wreckage and carnage, he sadly went about digging a large hole to bury the dead.
A few hours later, the sheriff came by, searching for the missing politicians. When he saw the crashed bus, he stopped and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer gravely shook his head and said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer replied grimly, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

Greeks versus the French.

A Greek and a Frenchman sit down at the same bar one evening, and after a few rounds of beer, they begin amicably chatting, first about the occasional state of things in their respective countries.
Eventually as the night progresses they descend into debating which country has done the most for the rest of the world and, naturally, slide into sniping back and forth into ever greater and more magnanimous gestures toward the end.
At last, the Greek shoves up to his feet and announces before the rest of the bar, "My people invented s**...!"
Stunned silence descends upon the environment at this, and for several seconds the Frenchman gives it some thought, before smiling and nodding his head and then answering,
"And mine introduced it to women."

Jon was excited about his new rifle..

... and wanted to try it out, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear. The black bear said "You've got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have s**...." Jon decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Jon soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, found the black bear, and shot it. Immediately, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a big brown bear stood right next to him. The brown bear said, "That was a huge mistake, Jon. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough s**...." Again, Jon thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it was several months before Jon finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the brown bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a gigantic grizzly bear standing there. The grizzly bear said "Admit it, Jon, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?" 

A man visits a Buddhist Monastery.

(non racist version)
A man is sent to China on business. On a day off he goes sightseeing. He gets hopelessly lost in the confusing Chinese roads and finds himself on the outskirts of town where an ancient Buddhist monastery sits. Curious, he goes in. A kindly monk takes him for a tour. In the courtyard of the monastery there is a pond, around which are several monks who are skipping stones.
However, instead of typical splashes when the stones bounced across the water, they heard a Chinese word emanate from the pond. A monk demonstrates and they hear "Ping-Lee-Yow." as the stone bounces across the water. The monk explains to the man that this sacred pond says the names of your ancestors when a stone is skipped across it.
Amazed, the man asks to try, and is given a stone. He skips the stone and hears "Chim-Pan-Zee" as the stone skips. Furious, he asks if this is some cruel hoax they pull on foreigners. The monk sadly shakes his head no. Furious, the man lifts the largest boulder he could and heaves it into the water. It splashes with an almighty "BABOON!"

A man is busy at work and forgets that it is his wife's birthday...

When he gets home, his wife is completely enraged. "I DEMAND THAT YOU GET ME SOMETHING THAT CAN GO FROM 0-200 IN 5 SECONDS OR LESS!". The man cowers under his wife and nods his head.
The next morning the man leaves early for work and puts a small package on the driveway. When his wife wakes up, she looks outside and sees the package. Confused, she grabs her coat and runs outside. She rips up the paper, expecting to see keys, but instead there is a weight scale.
The man has been missing for several days.

My grandfather sent me this in an email this morning.

Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Frank turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?''
"s**...." he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old toot. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Frank says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Frank's thingie.
Then one night Frank didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Frank's little pal!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun!! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Frank smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"

A man is in a hospital, holding vigil at his wife's bedside...

...she has been in a coma for 3 weeks, the result of a terrible car accident. He is staring lovingly at her, lost in fleeting glimpses of the past, when a nurse enters the room carrying a pan of water, a sponge tucked under her arm. The man nods, kisses his wife on the forehead, and leaves the room. Several minutes have passed. He is alone in the hallway when the door opens and the nurse approaches him excitedly. Embarrassed now, she tells the man that when she tended to his wife's private parts during the sponge bath, his wife had moaned. She whispers that perhaps o**... s**... can bring her out of her coma! Puzzled, but willing to try anything, the man agrees and enters his wife's room while the nurse now waits in the hall. Minutes later, an alarm sounds from the equipment monitoring his wife. The nurse rushes into the room and sees the man at the head of his wife's bed, zipping up his pants. "I think she choked.'", he exclaims.

The Captains Wife

The crew of a US navy battle ship was back home after many months of being out to sea. To celebrate, the captain of the ship organized a formal ball and the entire crew was there in thier unforms. The big band was playing and the sailors were hitting the bar and drinking hard as they admired the Captains beautiful wife sitting at the head table with the captain himself.
One of the drunken sailors spoke up, "Im gonna ask the capins wife ta dance wit me!" The other sailors just laughed at him as he swaggered on down to the captains table. Sailor says, "Hey Capin, may I dansh wit your wife?" The captain, having been drinking himself, nodded the OK.
Stunned, the other sailors watched as their lowly shipmate and the captains wife engaged in a slow dance. The sailor having been out to sea for several months was very happy to be dancing with this beautiful woman.
After a few minutes of dancing the captains wife speaks up and says, "My, but you smell very nice. What do you have on?" The sailor speaks into her ear and says, " I have a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it."

The farmer's wife went into a coma...

... at home, and he summoned the doctor.
"She's gone," said the doc after examining the woman. "I'm very sorry. I'll call the f**... home for you."
The morticians carried the body down the porch steps and started to round the corner of the house into the driveway when the lead bearer suddenly lurched to avoid a holly bush, lost his balance, and dropped his end of the stretcher. The jolt brought the woman back to consciousness. In a week, she'd made a full recovery and was back at the farm.
Several years later she went into a coma again. This time the doctor sadly assured her husband she was unquestionably dead.
The undertakers were summoned. As the stretcher bearers inched down the steps and headed for the driveway with the corpse, the farmer cautioned, "Watch out for that holly bush."

A group of senior citizens were talking... the breakfast table in a Palm Springs nursing home.
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills makes me dizzy," another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."

A guy goes to see his doctor about his headaches

They have tried several treatments, and none have worked.
The doctor says, "This sounds crazy, but I used to have headaches like yours. One night I was with my wife, and I went down on her. She squeezed my head really hard with her thighs, and my headache went away. It works every time."
The guy says, "At this point, I'll try anything."
A couple of weeks later, the guy stops by the doctor's office, "Doc, I don't know how to thank you. I took your advice, and you were right, as soon as she squeezed my head with her thighs, my headache was gone. The headache has come back a few times, but I do the thing, get squeezed, and it's gone. It's a miracle."
The doctor says, "Well, I'm glad I could help."
The guy says, "Well, thanks again, Oh, and by the way, you have a beautiful home."

Brooke Gladstone told this on "On The Media" today. Told it to several people and no one else thought it was nearly as funny as I did except for my brother and my wife.

Okay. So a guy is going down the street and he sees his friend. He hasn't seen him for I don't know how long. And he has this big orange head. And, and he goes up to him and he goes, hey, what's with the big orange head? And he goes, you know, it's a funny story. I was, I was in an antique shop and I found this lamp and I, I rubbed it and a genie came out, it gave me three wishes. And so, I wished for a gorgeous house and, and you see behind me this huge mansion. Yeah, it's really nice. That's the house. And then I wished for a beautiful wife, and, and you see that really lovely blonde coming down the street. That's my wife! And, and then here's where I think I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head.

Two carpenters are nailing up siding...

Two carpenters are nailing up siding one day. The first carpenter grabs a nail from his pouch, examines it, and then tosses it in the trash. He proceeds to grab another nail, examine it, and then hammers it into the siding. He repeats this process several time. Finally the second carpenter turns to him and asks "Why are you doing that?" to which the first carpenter replies "Half of these nails have the head on the wrong end!" The second carpenter says back to him "You idiot! Those are for the other side of the house!"

the soap dispensing priest

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it , not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide , he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled , he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun , "it's a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough , he drops the second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs , then yells..."Holy Mary , Mother of God , HAND LOTION TOO!"

Head and Shoulders

There are two women in an elevator. One blonde, one brunette. A man walks in. This man has a severe case of dandruff. The brunette says to the blonde "This guy has a ton of dandruff, we should give him some head and shoulders".The blonde replies back saying " How do we give shoulders".

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals

to increase their diversity...
... "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But now, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."

Husband send a text to his wife

Husband's text:
>Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of my right foot is a possibility.
Love you.
Wife's response:
>Who's Paula?

I always wanted to tell jokes...

I always wanted to tell jokes, but I had pretty severe social anxiety. So, I wrote the jokes down on pieces of paper and taped the paper to frisbees. Then I threw the frisbees at passers by so they could read my jokes.
The trouble was, most of them flew right over their heads.

The f**...

A f**... procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.

A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman.

"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife.

A f**... procession pulled into a cemetery....

Several carloads of family members pulled followed in a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.
A passerby remarked, "That guy must have been an avid fisherman".
"Oh, he still is." replied a mourner. "He's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife."

An older man was married to a younger woman.

An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out s**.... He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without s**... wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."
She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"

[Long]Three Toronto surgeons were playing golf together

and discussing surgeries they had performed..
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Ontario. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident; 
I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.
The second surgeon said.. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident; 
I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold Medal in track and field events in the Olympics.
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs . Several years ago a man was high on c**... and m**... 
and he rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. 
All I had left to work with was the man's  blonde hair and the Horse's a**.... 
I was able to put them together and now he's running for President of the U..S.A!"

Holmes and Watson were investigating a m**... at an archaeological dig-site

Holmes picks up several of the rocks and pebbles surrounding the m**... victim. After a while, Holmes turns to his companion and says "I've cracked the case. The suspect was clearly murdered with a blow to the head by a rock, which then crumbled and scattered into pieces."
"How on Earth can you tell?" exclaims Watson.
"It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."

A cop shows up to a gory car wreck (long)

A cop shows up to a gory car wreck and immediately sees several body parts lying around. He takes out his pen and pad to make some notes for his report.
"Left arm - found in ditch"
"Left leg - found in ditch"
~~"Head - found in bulavard~~
~~"Head - found in boulavard~~
"Head - found in ditch"

After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel.

He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. "But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel." "I insist on another room!!!" said the drunk. "Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk. "Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

Husband says'' Honey, it's me. I don't want to alarm you but

. . . I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They've checked me over and dome some tests and x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately, it didn't cause any serious internal injury. However, I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they might have to amputate my right foot.''
Wife : ''Who's Paula?''

A man walks into a barbershop

He tells the barber, "Could you give me a haircut, where you cut one sideburn is longer than the other, you use the razor to make several baldspots on the front of my head, and you make clear zigzags down the back of my head?"
The barber responds, "That's terrible! I can't do that."
The man retorts, "But that's what you did last time!"

Makes you think

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

A double bass player

A double bass player gets a call for a gig. Says he has to meet everyone else at the docks at 9pm. He's there waiting when he gets bashed on the head and knocked unconscious.
He wakes up ducked taped to his bass, floating in the harbour. After his first panic fades he looks around and notices several other players also ducked taped to their basses, bobbing in the water.
After a pause he yells out "Hey, do we get fed on this gig?"
"We did last year!" one answers.

When I was about 9 years old, my mom forced me to go with her to the f**... of a friend of hers that I didn't know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the f**... to end. Then a man approached me and said:
"Enjoy life, boy. Be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy mine."
He patted my head and left.
Before leaving, my Mom forced me to say goodbye to the dead person. When I looked in the coffin, I was startled to see the man who was talking to me in the corner was the same one in the coffin.
For several years, I was not able to sleep properly because of nightmares.
Years later, I discovered that the dead man had a twin brother.....

Oh Divinity!

Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her she cannot enter without it.
A few moments later, the lady reappears, wearing her blouse tied to her head.
The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."
"But Father, I have a divine right," she insists.
"Yes, I see. And you also have a divine left, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church."

Larry, the clumsy carpenter, was using his tablesaw and leaned in close to check he was following the line he had marked on the plank.

ZANNGGG! His left ear gets neatly severed, tumbles through the air and lands in the pile of sawdust.
Screaming in pain and panic, Larry drops to the ground, one hand pressed against his head and the other sifting through the sawdust.
Joe, hearing the commotion, races over to help. When Larry tells him what happened Joe starts searching too.
Suddenly Joe pulls a b**... left ear from the sawdust, "Is this it Larry?", he asks.
Larry takes a look and then goes back to searching.
"Nah, mine had a pencil behind it."

A young blonde, on vacation in Louisiana, wanted a pair of alligator shoes...

but was reluctant to pay high New Orleans prices.
She stomped out of the store and headed for the swamp.
Later, as the shopkeeper drove home, he spotted the blonde standing waist-deep in a bayou, shotgun in hand, with a huge alligator closing in.
She took aim and shot the creature between the eyes.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement as she struggled to haul the carcass onto an embankment where several other dead alligators were lined up.
Oh, no! the blonde shouted in dismay.
This one isn't wearing any shoes either!

A man walked into the doctor's surgery

He had half a bun on his head, a sausage behind his ear, several pickles in his shirt and an ice cream cone on his foot.
The doctor took one look and said
"Im afraid you're not eating properly."

My buddy and I have been working at this company for several years

We thought everything was going great. Numbers were up, sales were soaring! But one day our boss announced that the entire company was being bought out by some company in Spain.
What?! I exclaimed to my friend. This is so out of the blue! Never in a million years could I have seen this coming.
My friend shook his head and looked at me sideways. Nobody expects the Spanish Acquisition, he sighed.

The Lawyer

Satan appears before a lawyer and says, "I will make a deal with you. You will become the most successful attorney who has ever lived. You will be rich beyond imagination, and known to everyone on the planet. You will be appointed to the Supreme Court, and your rulings will be read and studied for decades to come. All I ask in return is the souls of your wife and your three children."
The lawyer sits with his head in his hands, thinking for several minutes. Finally he says, "Okay, what's the catch?"