Amusing & Witty Severe Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun
Who will survive no nut november the longest?
The people with a severe nut allergy
Onomatopoeia
A man walks into a doctor's office. He describes his symptoms to the doctor, and the doctor decides to run some blood tests on him to figure out the problem. After the test results come back, the doctor approaches the man and says, "Sir, I'm sorry, but you're suffering from a severe case of Onomatopoeia." The man, looking frightened, replies, "Onomatopoeia...what is that?"
Said the doctor, "It's just what it sounds like."
Helpful Daughter
Little Susie, a six year old , complained:"Mother, I've got a stomach ache."
"That's because our stomach is empty", the mother replied. "You would feel better if you had something in it."
That afternoon her daddy came complaining that he had a severe headache all day.
Susie perked up: " That's because it's empty", she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."
President of Columbia has announced that the country is going into severe economic depression...
...since the deaths of Amy Winehouse and Whitney Houston.
You know what they say about people with big brains, right?
"You have a severe case of meningitis."
What does a bully say to someone with severe depression?
Stop hating yourself, stop hating yourself!
My grandfather was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and Severe Dandruff...
He's been really flaky lately.
Dough Boy
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.
He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.
The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.
The funeral was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.
I was just diagnosed with a severe lack of empathy.
But I'm gonna keep going strong! The last thing I will do is start feeling sorry for myself.
Permanent erection
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.
The man said, "This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "The best we can do is one third ownership in the store and 3000 Dollars a month in living expenses."
I'm severely allergic to bees...
...whenever I go near one, I break out in hives!
You can explore severe fever reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean severe anxiety dad jokes. There are also severe puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I have a severe form of sharkallergy
Seriously, guys! Just one bite and i could lose an entire limb.
A severed foot...
...is the ultimate stocking stuffer. - Mitch Hedberg
Head and Shoulders
There are two women in an elevator. One blonde, one brunette. A man walks in. This man has a severe case of dandruff. The brunette says to the blonde "This guy has a ton of dandruff, we should give him some head and shoulders".The blonde replies back saying " How do we give shoulders".
It must be 1929...
Because my econ homework has me in a severe depression.
What has two thumbs and severe adhd?
i don't know but you are gonna love this yoyo trick
I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators.
I'm taking steps to avoid them.
I have a severe allergy to alcohol
Whenever I drink it I breakout in handcuffs.
What do you call a camera with severe mood swings?
A BiPolaroid
Husband send a text to his wife
Husband's text:
>Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of my right foot is a possibility.
Love you.
Wife's response:
>Who's Paula?
I always wanted to tell jokes...
I always wanted to tell jokes, but I had pretty severe social anxiety. So, I wrote the jokes down on pieces of paper and taped the paper to frisbees. Then I threw the frisbees at passers by so they could read my jokes.
The trouble was, most of them flew right over their heads.
I started seeing a therapist about my fear of bridges.
Turns out I have severe truss
issues.
I've recently had severe bowel incontinence, so I decided to consult my doctor before starting up a daily powerwalking routine...
When I asked how my condition will affect my walks, my doctor responded, "Nothing severe, but you never know when the walks will turn into the runs."
Study Finds Birth Control Pills Linked to Fewer Severe Knee Injuries in Teen Girls...
This is easily explained by the fact that they spend less time on their knees, and more time on their backs.
Your momma is so fat...
She has crippling depression and it causes severe problems with her social life.
My doctor diagnosed me with severe lack of observation.
That came out of nowhere.
I've kinda felt like my headphones recently
I've got a severe lack of anything to jack inside of.
What would happen if you were to cross two snowmen with three vampires?
You would get severe frostbite.
I have a friend who got severe burns on his hands, to the point that he is virtually senseless.
I feel for him.
Why was the crocodile arrested?
Because of severe alligations.
What do you get if you cross a woman with a whale?
Your research funding suspended and a severe reprimand from the ethics committee.
Quickly after robbing my bakery, a man got a severe headache
Serves him right. It's not his grain, it's migraine
Did you hear about the German man who was up to no good?
I heard he has a severe guten allergy.
Why did the doctor feel beat after flying United?
He had a severe case of jet drag.
My teacher's grades have a severe curve to them.
She was diagnosed with schooliosis
My grandpa kicked the bucket yesterday, but he's still in the hospital.
His toe injury was more severe than originally thought.
The doctor gave me some bad news today...
He said I had severe onomatopoeia.
I asked what that was, and surely enough, it's exactly what it sounds like.
All girls are squirters..
Just have to know which artery to severe.
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
By giving it severe permanent brain damage.
What does an Italian have when he is missing one arm?
A severe speech impediment.
Did you hear about that guy who committed suicide in a crater
He was suffering from severe depression.
I'm very worried about my severe coffee addiction
It's been keeping me up every night
I enjoy flying, but have a severe phobia of boarding queues
I spoke to the doctor, but they said it was a terminal illness
Hitlers Disease
A little known fact about Adolf Hitler he had severe asthma and lung issues his whole life. He even wrote in his journal about it briefly titled Mein Cough.
Husband says'' Honey, it's me. I don't want to alarm you but
. . . I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They've checked me over and dome some tests and x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately, it didn't cause any serious internal injury. However, I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they might have to amputate my right foot.''
Wife : ''Who's Paula?''
Genie quits working after a severe disagreement with master.
He rubbed her the wrong way.
The new elementary school teacher confessed to me that she had severe social anxiety
It's ok, I said. "Just pretend your audience is naked"
Two people with severe ADHD walk into a bar
I'm not sure what We we're talking about.
The doctor said my osteoporosis wasn't severe enough to keep me out of work.
Jesus woman, give me a break.
TJ Miller should change his name...
...to TJ Maxx: A disorganized mess of stuff that can now be had at a severe discount to it's previous value.
Although the cannibalism of the praying mantis may seem severe, it is thankfully brief. In other species, the female will slowly suck the life out of her partner over a period of decades.
This process is commonly called marriage.
An uncircumcised friend of mine had to have plastic surgery on his eyelids after a severe burn to his face and the doctor used his foreskin for the graft...
The doctor was able to save his sight but now he is a little cockeyed.
My friend had a severe case of hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia...
We had no idea how we should break it to him.
As a child I had a severe condition where I had to drink my own urine else I would die
Lucky my brother told me about it before it was too late.
My friend's a police detective and has been diagnosed with severe schizophrenia. He first realized there was a problem...
...when he started to question himself...
I went to see a doctor.
I said, "My girlfriend says I'm suffering from severe paranoia."
"What do you want me to do?" he asked.
I said, "Stop having sex with her."
I almost had a heart attack at the circus
I was suffering severe jest pains
A Chinese man visits the doctor
His hands are covered in severe burns from a cooking accident.
The man says, "I know it's bad, doctor, but how bad is it?"
The doctor replies, "I'm afraid you'll never wok again."
What do you call a man with a sword and severe anxiety?
A worrier.
When an eel strikes your heel and severe pain you feel...
... That's a moray.
God said to Eve: "I will make your pains in childbearing very severe;"
Clever as she was, she asked, "You mind if I pay in periods?"
School Essay Test
A teacher says to her class Tomorrow morning there will be a set essay writing exam. You are all to be on your best form and well rested overnight
One lad pipes up with a smirk What if we are suffering from severe sexual exhaustion Miss?
Well, she replies you'll just have to try to write with your other hand!
Met Office severe weather warning:
Be careful who you take home tonight, you could be stuck with them for the whole weekend.
Doctor: I'd give him Lithium for his severe depression.
If that doesn't work, Barium.
My uncle got a severe allergic reaction while staying in a remotely located hotel near Barcelona...
he would have died certainly as there were no hospitals close by. Suddenly we heard someone knocking on the hotel's door. Miraculously it was the hotel's in-house doctor.
We were quite amused by how the doctor showed up at the exact time he was needed.
Nobody expected the Spanish Inn Physician
Give a man a fish & you will feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and he will cause severe ecological collapses
A man's in-laws are causing him severe stress....
It's gotten so bad that he's decided to talk to his doctor about the physical pain he's experiencing. The doctor prescribes him some painkillers and sends him on his way.
A few days later, the man comes back complaining that the painkillers aren't working. The doctor ups his dose and sees him out. This process continues until a few weeks later. The man is visibly happier and healthier. The doctor asks him if the painkillers worked.
"Yep! They're finally dead."
Due to a severe increase in Teachers having affairs with their Students,
Homeschooling has been banned by the Governor of Alabama.
A doctor is reading out tests results to an elderly patient.
- Sir, the two test results are in and I'm afraid I have bad news. First of all, you have phase 8 terminal metastasized cancer.
- Oh no.. damned, this is not good.. what else?
- You also have quite a severe case of Alzheimer.
- oh thank god for that! I thought you were going to tell me I had cancer.
Doctor, i have CDO
Doctor: what's that?
Patient: OCD, but mine is too severe that I put it in alphabetical order
Breaking News: Putin orders full investigation and promises severe punishment for whoever poisoned opposition politician Navalny...
insufficiently.
I asked my boss if I can have the day off due to severe constipation
He said no because I'm full of shit
In my day, schooling was so severe.
If we got answers wrong in class, teachers would hit us with unbreakable metal rulers.
Tough measures.
What do you call a person with severe ADHD
AD4K
Wow, my ex must have a severe case of the coronavirus.
I just got a notice from a judge saying to stay at least 50 feet away from her!
I was in quite a severe accident when I was younger, it damaged my legs really bad.
I had to get a double kid knee transplant.
A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I was interested in taking part in a marathon.
I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties. I thought "damn, I might actually win this".
After cleaning up from a recent severe storm, my neighbor offered me free wood for my fireplace.
That was very nice of him. Free firewood doesn't grow on trees, you know.
I ate an expired can of alphabet soup...
Now I have severe cramps in my vowels and I've been in-consonant all day
With all the new, more severe, strains of Covid being discovered..
I guess that means that the original was actually Corona light..
After attempting to climb Everest and failing, John has severe frostbite, hypothermia and goes into a coma.
After a lengthy and dangerous mountaintop rescue he's rushed to the nearest hospital, where after several days he finally wakes and is greeted by the Nepalese doctor.
Sir, I have bad news and good news. John, ever the optimist asks for the good news first.
Okay, the good news is the patient in the next bed has offered you a very generous amount for your slippers...
I dropped a huge bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday....
It caused severe pain To-ma-toes.
A 75 year old used to put his fake teeth in a jar of water before sleeping
He used to do this every night. One day he felt thirsty and accidentally drank the water which he put his dentures. The next day, he had severe stomach pain and went to the doctor.
The doctor examined him thoroughly, wiped his brow of sweat visibly shaking and said - In all my years being a doctor, I thought I had seen everything. But this is the first time, I saw an asshole smiling at me .
Joe goes to the doctor with severe constipation
Doctor gives him two suppositories. Joe goes home and swallows them.
Next day he goes back to the doctor.
"Doc I am still badly constipated."
Doctor gives him two more suppositories, and Joe again goes home and swallows them."
He again goes back to the doctor the next day and says "doc I am still badly constipated.
Doctor: "Joe, I gave you four suppositories, what did you do with them?"
Annoyed, Joe yells at the Doctor: "what do you think I have been doing with them, shoving them up my ass?"
I've had a severe addiction to taking inventory at the blacksmithing shop.
We all have our vices.
What do you call a fire ant with severe learning disabilities?
A fire retardant.
An elderly gentleman with severe hearing problems goes to the doctor and gets fitted with hearing aids.
After a month, he goes back for a checkup. The doctor asks him how things are going now
that he can hear everything, and wonders if his friends and family have said anything.
The gentleman replied, "I haven't told anyone yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times already!"
I thought I was having a severe allergic reaction to Indian flatbread.
It turns out I'm just naan responsive.
A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The physician says that the patient will need a rectal exam.
The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove.
As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Peter"
The patient says, "My name isn't Peter"
The doctor says, "Mine is"
Put Something In It
Little Susie, a six-year-old, complained, "Mother, I've got a stomach ache."
"That's because your stomach is empty," the mother replied. "You would feel better if you had something in it."
That afternoon, her father came complaining that he had a severe headache all day. Susie perked up, "That's because it's empty," she said.
"You'd feel better if you had something in it."
