Severance Pay Jokes
30 severance pay jokes and hilarious severance pay puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about severance pay that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Severance Pay Short Jokes
Short severance pay jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The severance pay humour may include short agreed pay jokes also.
- So a rhino walks into a bar... and several patrons pay their tabs and leave because they see the danger in this situation.
- God said to Eve: "I will make your pains in childbearing very severe;" Clever as she was, she asked, "You mind if I pay in periods?"
- Tax inspector: You should pay your tax with a smile. Tax Payer: I have tried several times, but every time they insist on cash.
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Severance Pay One Liners
Which severance pay one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with severance pay? I can suggest the ones about pay check and paycheck.
- When King Charles was executed after the English Civil War Did he get severance pay?
Severance Pay Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about severance pay you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean salary jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make severance pay pranks.
A man moves into a haunted house
After several nights of ghosts keeping him awake with their moaning and moving furniture around the house he calls an exorcist. A priest eventually comes round, performs some incantations, and sprinkles holy water around. The man was grateful for the priest's help with this haunting but says that he has no money on hand to pay him. The priest says "Fret not my son, we can send you a bill. Just pay it off within the month or we'll repossess your house."
A young blonde, on vacation in Louisiana, wanted a pair of alligator shoes...
but was reluctant to pay high New Orleans prices.
She stomped out of the store and headed for the swamp.
Later, as the shopkeeper drove home, he spotted the blonde standing waist-deep in a bayou, shotgun in hand, with a huge alligator closing in.
She took aim and shot the creature between the eyes.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement as she struggled to haul the carcass onto an embankment where several other dead alligators were lined up.
Oh, no! the blonde shouted in dismay.
This one isn't wearing any shoes either!
The Queen created a beautiful design that I decided to put on a shirt
One day, the Queen of The United Kingdoms designed a beautiful new crest for the royal family and seeing it, I saw an opportunity for profit and began selling t-shirts with the design printed on them thinking that the royal family wouldn't mind.
After several very angry calls from the royal family's lawyers, I found out that I had to pay Her Royalty her royalties for Her Royal Tee's^TM
The Vicar's Salary
At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to
a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Glasgow, stands up and
proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every
year, and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their
children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if
the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary
and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school
education for all of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him free s**....'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you
to say that?'
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking
his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'.
I was out on the west coast, trying to sell some guns to a street gang.
The gang member handed me a bag of severed toes with tiny $'s and tiny blue bandanas tied to them. I said "What's this?! No cash?!" He said it was the latest trend "Crip Toe Currency".
After a few months I wanted to buy a stolen sports car, but had no cash. My friend worked at a morgue so he got me a bag of severed toes and I drew $'s on them and tied tiny red bananas to them. I went to that gang member and tried to pay for the car and he said...
"Sorry. I don't want your Blood Money."
America
How to rescue the economy:
Dear President Obama,
Patriotic retirement:
There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force;
pay them $1 million a piece severance with stipulations:
1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.
2) They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.
3) They either buy a house or pay off their mortgage- Housing Crisis fixed.
All this and it's still cheaper than the "bailout".
A CEO went on a rock climbing trip with one of his employees.
The CEO, an experienced climber, reached the top of a difficult section and was holding a rope tied to both men. As the employee was climbing up, he lost his grip, and was only saved by the strength of the CEO who was barely able to hang on. The CEO yelled, "Hurry, I'm losing my grip!", but the employee was so scared he couldn't find a handhold. The CEO yelled, "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to let you go."
The employee, accepting his fate, was praying when a w**... of cash hit him in the face. He yelled to the CEO, "What the h**... is this for?"
The CEO, while cutting the rope, replied, "It's your severance pay."
Dads favorite medical school joke.
Medical students were attending their 1st biochemistry class. They all gathered around the Lab table with a u**... sample. The professor dip his finger in u**... & tasted it in his own mouth. Then he asked the students to do the same. The students hesitated for several minutes, but at last every one dipped their finger in u**... sample & tasted it.... When everyone finished, the professor looked at them & said: The most important quality is 'Observation'. I dipped my MIDDLE Finger but tasted the INDEX Finger. Today you just learn, how to pay attention.
A smart scientist amd a blonde girl sit down on a plane.
A very smart man boards a plane and sits down.
A blond girl sits next to him.
He is bored so he says to her
"Let's play a game, I give you a riddle if you cannot find the answer you pay me 5 dollars. If you answer it though you give me a riddle and I don't answer it I'll give you 300$"
She says "OK, I'll go first."
"What goes up a hill on 1 leg and goes down on 2?"
He thinks about it for a while but after about 10 minutes can't find a answer so he Google's it.
Nothing.
He calls scientists and several well educated people. They have no clue.
He, a man of his word gives the 300 dollars to her.
He asks for the answer she shrugs and hands him 5$
A man and a woman were waiting at a hospital donation centre.
The man asks the woman, "What are you here to donate?"
The woman replies, "I'm here to give my blood. The hospital is going to pay me $5 for it."
"Good on you! I'm here to donate s**...," says the man, "The hospital is going to pay me $25 for it."
The woman woman looked thoughtful for a brief moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation centre.
The man asks the woman, "Here to donate blood again?"
The woman shakes her head with her mouth closed and replies with a muffled, "Unh unh."
The Sheer Nightgown
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no d**...), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling n**..., return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
She appears n**... on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'
(edited for multifariousness.)
Hospital Bill
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms & a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
'Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister & she's a nun."
The nun became agitated & announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law".
:D
Old couple goes to s**... therapist
A couple, both age 78, went to a s**... therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have s**...?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have s**...," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have s**... with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare
Never mess with them Again
Mitsy and Milda were talking about their grandchildren after the holidays.
Mitsy said,
My daughter-in-law stopped making my grandchildren send their thank you notes. Each year I sent the grandchildren a card with a generous check inside. I always received a lovely thank you note. However, since my daughter-in-law stopped making the grandkids send thank you notes, I never hear from them.
Milda said,
My daughter-in-law never made the grandchildren send thank you notes. I, too, send them a very generous check. However, for the past several years, I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit.
Wow, remarked Mitsy. I wish mine would do that.
You can, Mitsy, you can.
How? Mitsy asked.
Simple, Milda replied. Do what I do: Don't sign the check.
Strong Man Contest
A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone when it comes to pure strength.
He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workers at the job site. After several minutes of ranting, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is and challenge me to a strength competition," he said. "I will bet an entire week's pay that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man. Let's see what you got," the young boaster replied.
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said,
"All right, hop in."
A couple goes to a s**... therapist..
A couple, both age 78, went to a s**... therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have s**...?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have s**...," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have s**... with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare
A group of senior citizens were talking...
...at the breakfast table in a Palm Springs nursing home.
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills makes me dizzy," another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."
The difference between before/after getting hired
When Timmy went in for an interview at ABC company, he was hired after a very brief interview. A little skeptical at first, Timmy asked the company representative a few questions.
It went like this:
ABC: Trust me, this company could really use someone new
Timmy: If there is too much work, I'm going to quit...
ABC: We'd NEVER let something like that happen
Timmy: Do employees get every Saturday and Sunday off?
ABC: That's a granted.
Timmy: Are employees required to work overtime without pay?
ABC: No way. Where did you even come up with such a ridiculous idea?
Timmy: Are meals subsidized?
ABC: You BET.
Timmy: Do the new employees usually end up doing ALL the work?
ABC: That's impossible. There are so many other experienced people in our company.
Timmy: If I did well, would I ever become a manager?
ABC: Yes. Absolutely.
Timmy: Wow. Is this for real?
After working there for several months, Timmy noticed that the job wasn't panning out the way he had been promised. Quite upset, he went to file a complaint to the HR dept. The next day, Timmy was summoned into the management's office, where they threatened to fire him for voicing out.
To see his conversation with the management, read the conversation above again.... from the bottom to the top.
The s**... Shop Fatality.
A man walks into a s**... shop to purchase some see-through l**... for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the l**... home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling n**..., return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.
So she appears n**... at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
"Stone me!" exclaims her hubby. "It wasn't that creased in the shop!"
His f**... is on Thursday.
A couple went to a s**... therapist...
... and the man asked the doctor, "Will you watch us having s**..., for your expert analysis?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have i**...,"and charged them Rs.300.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have s**... with no problems, pay the doctor and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "What exactly can I help you with?"
The man replied, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Oberoi charges Rs. 5,000 per room, the Taj charges Rs.4,000, the Le Meridian charges Rs.2,500. We do it here for Rs.300, and I get that money back from MediClaim."
Thrifty therapy...
A couple, both aged 70, went to a s**... therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have s**... i**...?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have i**...." The doctor charged them $82 for the session. This happened several weeks in a row: the couple would make an appointment, have i**... with no apparent problems, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man replied, "We're not trying to find anything out. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Sheraton charges $90 and the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $82, and I get $68 back from Medicare."
A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a train.
The lawyer, assuming he could make some easy money, wanted to play a game with the blonde; he would ask her a question, and if she could not answer, she would pay him $5. Then she would ask him a question, and if he could not answer, he would pay her $5.
The blonde had no interest in playing with the the lawyer, so he offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5. But every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
The blonde thought about it for about a minute, and decided she did not know the answer. So she gave him his $5.
She then asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous phone calls, trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
A Scotsman goes into a brothel
in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a nice-looking p**....
He asks her, 'How much dae ye charge for an hour?' '€100,' she replies.
So he asks, 'Okay, dae ye dae it Scottish style?' She says 'No!'
He then says 'I'll gie you €200 to dae it Scottish style'. She didn't even know what 'Scottish style' was, but again says, 'No',
He then offers her $300, but she declines his offer, so finally he says, 'Last chance. I'll gie ye €500 to go Scottish style wi' me!'
Finally she agrees, thinking, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've been there and done that, had every kind of request from weirdos from every corner of the world. How bad could 'Scottish style; be?'
So she goes ahead and has s**... with him, doing it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several intense hours they finish. Exhausted, the h**... turns to him and says, 'That was really fantastic. I've never enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Scottish style' come in?'
The Scotsman replies, 'I'll pay ye next week'
So a man walks into a butcher shop and eyes several of the finest steaks...
There are cuts of meat on shelves all throughout the store. The butcher likes how this man carries himself so he offers him a proposition. He says, "If you can grab the slab of meat on the shelf over there that you've been looking at since you got in here, you can have it for free. Otherwise you have to pay me $100."
The man thinks about this for a moment, seeing that the juicy appetizing steak is only a few shelves up, *maybe if I stretch I can grab it*...
But then he cracks and yells running out of the shop, "The stakes are too high!"
Indian Style?
A Canadian Indian picks up a h**....
'How much do you charge for da hour, sister?' he asks.
'$100,' she replies.
He says 'Do you do Indian style?'
'No' she says.
'I pay you $200 to do it Indian style'
'No', she says, not knowing what Indian style is.
'I pay you $300'
'No', she says.
'I pay you $400'
'No', she says.
So finally he says, 'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it Indian style.'
She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've
had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world.
How bad could Indian Style be?''.
So she agrees and has s**... with him.
They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position.
Finally, after several hours, they finish. Exhausted, the h**... turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Indian style'?'
The Indian replies 'You send da bill to da Government'