Settle Jokes

105 settle jokes and hilarious settle puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about settle that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Settle Short Jokes

Short settle jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The settle humour may include short unsettling jokes also.

  1. LPT: If you are planning to settle down, don't date a soccer player. There's only a 1/11 chance they are a keeper.
  2. A boy was born of an Indian, Chinese, Irish, and italian grandmother... They couldn't settle on a name, until it hit them!
    They named him Ravi O. Lee
  3. *Introducing my girlfriend to the family* Mom: Don't settle for this, you deserve better..
    Me: But mom, I lov.....
    Mom: I was talking to her.
  4. My wife thinks we should allow our pets to sleep with us in bed. I finally gave in. After 20 minutes, the goldfish finally settled down.
  5. When I was young, I thought rich people bought Bose products and the rest of us had to settle for Sony. Turns out — that was just a stereotype.
  6. I think I'm shrinking! A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
    The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
  7. Feminists are the reason I am single If it wasn't for them, some girl out there would've been forced to settle for me by now.
  8. 3 months since I had COVID and I've still got very little sense of taste. Sometimes I just find myself settling down on the sofa, opening up Netflix and sticking on Friends
  9. I want to talk about Infinity War spoilers but... I want to wait for the dust to settle a bit.
  10. A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, You have to help me; I think I'm shrinking. Now settle down, the doctor calmly told him. You're just going to have to be a little patient.

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Settle One Liners

Which settle one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with settle? I can suggest the ones about stable and resolve.

  1. Why do Indians hate snow? Because it's white and settles on their land.
  2. Maybe the pope just wants to finally get married.

    Or settle down with a couple of kids.
  3. Why do native Americans hate snow? Because it's white and settles on their land.
  4. Why do Indians not like snow? It is white and settles on their land.
  5. So did you hear about the Angry composer? Apparently, he had a few scores to settle.
  6. I dated a lawyer once Makes sense.
    She had a reputation for settling
  7. Why do natives hate snow Because its white and it settles on their land.
  8. Beirut Joke Or should we let the dust settle a bit?
  9. How come pioneers always had ugly wives? Because they settled.
  10. How do two black boards settle their dispute? They chalk it out
  11. Where did the two bananas settle their legal dispute? The court of A-peels
  12. I like my women like I like my Scotch Preferably aged 18 years but I could settle for 12
  13. Where do people settle food fights? A food court
    (Came up with this during lunch break)
  14. I helped two Vietnamese brothers settle a dispute It really was a Nguyen-Nguyen situation
  15. Why do indegionous people dislike snow? Because it's white and settles on their land.

Settle joke, Why do indegionous people dislike snow?

Cheerful Fun Settle Jokes for Lovely Laughter

What funny jokes about settle you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean solve jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make settle pranks.

Please settle an argument regarding this joke: why is it funny?

>What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
>30 pounds.
This joke has been the source of debate among my peers. I know I'm right, but I need evidence/validation. Why is this joke funny? What is the punch line implying?

Two martial artists...

...are arguing over who would win a fight between a skilled swordsman carrying a broadsword and a master wielder of an épée. They agree that the only way to settle the argument is actually to fight one another, each using one of the two weapons. An epic battle ensues and then, the two swordsmen feinted.

Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office....

stammering over and over "I'm a teepee I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee I'm a wigwam..."
.... The psychiatrist says calmly, "settle down you're too tents (tense)...

5 blonds walk into a bar...

The group is cheering, smiling, and chanting "3 to 5 years! 3 to 5 years!" After the blondes settle down and order their drinks, the bartender finally asked "What are you all celebrating? What does 3 to 5 years mean?" One blonde got an excited look in their eyes and proudly exclaimed "Well, we bought a puzzle, and on the side it said 3 to 5 years, but it only took us 2 months!"

A teacher had given his class an assignment.

He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member).
A wise student pipes up: "What about extreme s**... exhaustion, sir?"
The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

Why was Herbert Hoover such a controversial president?

Because he never let the dust settle.

Two American tourists were driving through Nova Scotia.

Two American tourists were driving through Nova Scotia.
As they were approaching Shubenacadde (shoe-been-ack-id-dee), they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are... ver-r-ry slo-o-owly?"
The waitress leaned over the counter and says, "Tiiimmmmm Hoorrrrttooonnns"

At the movies.

A man takes his seat at the movies. Popcorn in one hand, he is just getting settle when he notices behind him a duck.
He loudly exclaims "there is a duck here!".
The duck replies "so".
"You are a duck, why are you watching this movie?".
"Well, I liked the book".

Well, the rock star decided to settle down and become a fisherman

His new slogan is, "Come down to Bon Jovi's Anchovies!"

Why didn't Rick Grimes settle his group in an abandoned senior center?

Too many walkers.

Don't settle for shampoo!

Demand real p**...!

Just ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon

I'll be sure to let you know which one wins so we can settle this once and for all.

Office whiteboards!

What are your best office whiteboard jokes?
I have a whiteboard in my office that I share with 4 women ( I'm a man) and I need some good jokes to put up. I'd like to collect enough to last me a year, but I'll settle for a month!

How did Caitlyn Jenner and Kanye West settle an argument?

They went outside and exchanged blows.

A man and his wife were watching Family Feud...

When this question came up:
"What age do women stop looking for Mr.Perfect and settle for Mr.Okay?"
"25!" his wife shouted.
"What, that's crazy!" the man argued.
"Well that's when I married you."

How to 2 Mexicans settle a argument

By going Juan on Juan

What do call having to settle for buying corn?

Compra maíze.

A boy was born of an Indian , Irish , Chinese and an Italian Grandmother

They couldn't settle on a name, until it hit them!
They named him Ravi O. Lee
i'll see myself out

Forest Gump ruined dating for me...

He was a war hero, Olympian, and millionaire but the best he could settle down with was a druggie burnout with AIDS and daddy issues

As his presidency is coming to an end where is Obama going to settle?

I don't know but Kenya guess?

With both Trump and m**... winning, we wont have worry about living in 1984

We can settle with a Brave New World.

Why is there no "Lets settle this like women"?

Because it lasts forever.

How much money does Tom pay his lawyer brother to settle his lawsuit?

None, he works pro bro-no.

Why are married women heavier than single women?

When single women get home, they settle in, take a peek at what's in the fridge, and head for bed. When married women get home, they settle in, take a peek at what's in bed, and head for the fridge.

A blonde walks in on her boyfriend cheating on her

She pulls out a gun and says: I'm done with you!
Boyfriend: Calm down, calm down. We can settle this with words.
The blonde puts the gun to her head
Boyfriend: What do you think you're doing?
Blonde: Don't worry, you're next.

Husband and wife debate

A man and his wife are walking down the street when the wife turns to her husband and says honey, I think it's snowing the man looks back at her and says no it's raining.
To settle the debate between the two they ask the friendly redcoat standing at the end of the street. The redcoat, Rudolph tells them that it is in fact raining.
The husband turns to his wife and says see, Rudolph the red knows rain dear.

To settle their differences, Jesus and Muhammed agree to pistols at dawn, Jesus wins...

...because drawing Muhammed is forbidden.

Girl, are you a community college?

Because you're cheap, easy to get into, and people will settle for you if they can't do any better.

How do you settle an abortion debate with your wife?

Push her down the stairs.

How do you get everyone to settle down at a barbershop convention?

"Hair, hair!"

The sea complained to the river that the recent increase in erosion was causing more silt and mud and sand to settle on the seabed.

The river replied: "My sediments exactly."

My girlfriend keeps telling me to buy sea salt, even though we can't afford it

So she's just going to have to settle for D salt

A man got married and became one plus . But he got divorced soon after .

One plus tag line never settle

Now that everything has settled down, I must confess: I don't think Kevin Spacey is a bad guy

I think he just gets a bad Rapp.

I'm 2/3rds done building a dynasty

For now I've got to settle for n**...

Why are so many eligible women choosing to settle down with dolphin trainers?

They live life with porpoise

Smart waitress

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

Why did Hercules not want to settle down with a wife and have children?

He'd already been through 9 labours and couldn't be arsed to go through a tenth!

Whenever my Dad and I disagree, we settle it with a staring contest.

Then we see eye to eye.

The Name of God

Two Jews were arguing about the proper way to say God's name when the rabbi walked by.
Rabbi, called one of the men, could you settle an argument for us? We want to know if the proper way to say God's name is 'Yah way' or 'Yah vey.'
That's easy! the rabbi said. It's 'Yah vey!'
Thank you so much, rabbi. said the other man.
Ya velcome. Replied the rabbi.

[compilation] What do you call a dinosaur...

Post your best 'what do you call a dinosaur' joke! Let's settle this once and for all!

two blondes want to forge banknotes

Two blondes want to forge banknotes. They can't decide whether to forge $50 or $100 banknotes - they argue a little and then they settle to a compromise: to forge $60 banknotes. They want to first test it on their blonde neighbour: so one of them goes to the neighbour - after a while she returns, smiling: "Everything went well: I have two $30 banknotes."

I was going to buy an L couch but I couldn't afford it.

I had to settle for a lowercase l couch.

How do l**... settle an argument?

With fists.

How do l**... settle relationship disagreements?

Rock, paper, scissors!

Why do houses creak and groan as they settle?

They lack proper lumber support ...

Wanted to settle a bet with my sister so we went to my mom's gravesite to dig up her casket

I ended up losing though, turns out it IS i**... to do that.

So where do hypebeasts go to settle clothing disputes?

The Supreme Court

The Splitwise app isn't very popular among OnePlus smartphone users because...

...they never settle.

How does a bunch of urophiliac dwarfs settle their disputes?

With a Pee-low fight

You know one of the best things about necrophilia?

You don't have to settle for just any girl with a pulse.

Buddy Hackett duck joke

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded,
"I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied,
"This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said,
"I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said,
"Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Alberta. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.' The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said,
"Okay, you old f**.... Now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

Two travelers are driving past a, "Welcome to Lewisville, Kentucky!", sign and ...

They can't decide if it's pronounce LouiS-ville or Louey-ville. So they decide to settle it by asking at a burger place they pull up to.
"Hi we're from out of town and have a bet about how locals pronounce this place"?
The local says deliberately and slowly, "Burger... King".

Guy: Meet my girlfriend. Mom: You deserve better don't settle for this. Guy: But mom I love..

Mom: I am talking to her.

A man arrives with a lot of items at the cash

Cashier: Wanna box for those?
Man: Can't we settle this peacefully?

A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.

He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."
Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."
The Turkish respond: "Okay, maybe we should settle this outside."
The Russian: "That's your second problem: You always want to solve your problems with violence."
The Turkish bring him outside and pull their knives.
The Russian: "And here's your third problem. You always bring knives to gun fights."

Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said:
Burrr… gurrr… King.

I met a nice Lich today.

He just wanted to settle down, bury himself in a good book, and raise a family.

I like to pick up women at Cover Band concerts.

Since I already know they are willing to settle.

I heard that Jeffrey Epstein never wanted to be rich and famous.

All he ever wanted was to settle down and have kids.

Please settle an argument between me and my wife about whether it's ok to pee in the bath

I think it's fine but my wife says I should wait until she's finished her bath

Want to know why it's called the British Channel, and not the French Channel?

Well to settle the argument a long while ago, British and French noblemen decided to race cats along the Channel for the naming rights.
So the British cat crossed the Channel in,
one, two, three, four and five easy steps.
The French cat attempted the crossing,
Un, duex, t**..., cat, sank, therefore being disqualified and losing the race.

You guys need to lay off Ghislaine Maxwell...

She just wants to settle down and have kids

Where are we?

Not mine:
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly? The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."

I like my women like I like America

Bold, opionated, just past their peak and starting to realize they need to settle for less

A Man rushed into a Doctor's surgery, shouting ' help me Doctor, I'm shrinking' The Doctor calmly said ' Now settle down a bit '

.. you'll just have to learn to be a little patient.

A doctor is performing surgery on his patient.

All of a sudden the door swings open and in comes running a desperate man. He shouts help me doctor, im shrinking!!! The doctor calmly says Settle down a bit, you can't just come barging in here like'll have to learn to be a little patient

Two Canadians in Kentucky

So these two Canadians are driving into Louisville, Kentucky and are arguing about how to pronounce the name of the city.
Its pronounced Lou-is-vill…obviously The oilman from Alberta says
No, you see, it is French! It is pronounced Loo-ie-vee! The guy from Quebec retorts.
They stop at a Burger King for lunch while they're in town. How do you pronounce the name of this place? Say it real slow, we're having an argument we want you to settle.
The kid at the counter takes a deep breath and says… burr-gerr-king

Where do pints go to settle their legal troubles?

The Supreme Quart

Two settlers hear a drum in the distance...

"I do not like the sound of that" One settler said.
"He's not our regular drummer" They hear over the hill.

Can you guys settle this debate? My buddy thinks McDonalds has the best coke.

I think Mexico has the best coke.

Trump, walking and arguing with a critic, stops a random person in the street to ask their opinion on the matter at hand.

Trump: Sir, maybe you can settle something for us; what do YOU think of how I performed as president of the United States?
Random Guy: Monumental
Trump: Thank you sir, you've been very helpful!
(To the Critic) See?! What did I tell you?
Critic: uhhhhh...that guy was Jamaican.

Whilst driving through Wales with my pal, we stopped off at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch for lunch.

I asked the waitress, "Could you settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very slowly?" The waitress replied, "Burr gerr King!"

Settle joke, Whilst driving through Wales with my pal, we stopped off at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwlll

jokes about settle