Session Jokes

98 session jokes and hilarious session puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about session that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

This article looks at session jokes and how they can help create a sense of intimacy in lectures, post-lunch sessions, and packs. Learn how to use these jokes to re-energize students and create an environment with a closer connection between the lecturer and the students!

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Funniest Session Short Jokes

Short session jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The session humour may include short conference jokes also.

  1. I think my wife has weekly sessions with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charge him for it though.
  2. My therapist said I could book 10 sessions in advance for £6000 She must think I'm crazy!!
  3. "How'd the session go with your new therapist?" "It was a waste of time. He just kept showing me pictures of my parents fighting."
  4. Trump, Pence, Bannon, Sessions, Pompeo, Flynn, Priebus, Tillerson. Not sure Trump knows this but traditionally, you only need 4 horsemen.
  5. So I started seeing a therapist to help with my kleptomania I've already taken something valuable from each session
  6. After a session of snogging in the couch, my girlfriend whispered " Shall we go upstairs?" " yes " I said eagerly.
    "Do you have protection? " She asked .
    "Why? What's up there?" I trembled.
  7. What did the accordion player say when he got to heaven? “I hope there’s an eternal jam session up here!”
  8. Man comes out of the bathroom at work… After a loud session of diarrhea, sounds like you had a rough time in there. a slightly embarrassed coworker commented. No it was a blast the man responded.
  9. Snoop Dogg should have given the official response to Trump's Presidential Address to Congress... He has probably participated in more Joint Sessions than just about anyone.
  10. What's the difference between Jeff Sessions and a book about Jeff Sessions? The book has a spine.

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Session One Liners

Which session one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with session? I can suggest the ones about suite and conversation.

  1. My yoga instructor came to the yoga session drunk today He put me in an awkward position
  2. Sorry everyone, Today's session on dealing with disappointment has been cancelled.
  3. I had a great session with my proctologist this morning. Two thumbs up.
  4. Did any news come out of Attorney General Jeff Sessions testimony? I don't recall.
  5. What do Jewish men say to each other after a hard session at gym? "Muscle tough"
  6. Jeff Sessions was asked why the telemarketing company fired him He did not recall
  7. How did the T-Rex feel after his workout session? He felt dinosore.
  8. I booked a session with a professional insulter. It was a dis appointment.
  9. How do you call a bunch of strawberries playing the guitar? A jam session.
  10. What did Jeff Sessions say at the Senate hearing? I can't recall
  11. I named my dog Ted Each of our training sessions are called Ted talks
  12. I attended a sign language session. I was speechless.
  13. How do vegans start a prayer session? Lettuce pray
  14. What do you call an operative late to a meeting with Jeff Sessions? A Rushin Spy
  15. Just had an 8 hour binge-watch session. Stranger Things have happened.

Therapy Session Jokes

Here is a list of funny therapy session jokes and even better therapy session puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • At my therapy session today, I suddenly remembered that as a child I was molested by a clown. I never knew I had IT in me.
  • My friend told me that he was sent to a therapy group for procrastinators. They haven't conducted the first session yet.
  • Group therapy One psychologist asked another psychologist how his agoraphobia group therapy sessions are going.
    "Not so good."
    "No one ever shows up."
  • A terrets group therapy session is a lot like nuclear fission They can both result in a chain reaction with catastrophic results
  • A Women Goes for a therapy session...
  • Will Smith walks into a group therapy session for depression... So that's it, huh? We some kinda s**... squad?
Session joke, Will Smith walks into a group therapy session for depression...

Uproarious Session Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time

What funny jokes about session you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean panel jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make session pranks.

My therapist wanted to tell me about the 5 stages of grief. I said...

But nothing bad has happened! How DARE you imply that it has? I'm only paying half for this session. Thanks for ruining my good mood... Okay, tell me all about it.

I just got slapped by a girl for asking her, "Do you spit or s**...?"

I thought this was a very reasonable question to ask her, considering we were at a wine tasting session.

I got on the bus, sat down and noticed a beautiful blonde Chinese woman crying in the seat across from me...

I moved over and asked her why she was crying.
"I don't usually bare my soul to strangers," she said.
I replied that sometimes it was perfectly fine to tell your story to a perfect stranger. She nodded and said, "I just came out of my therapist session and he says there is no way to cure me."
I asked what exactly was her problem. She said, "I'm a nymphomaniac, but I only get turned on by Jewish cowboys. You know, I do feel better. By the way, my name is Kim."
"Glad to meet you," I said. "My name is Bucky Goldstein."
Steve Wright

Took a Cab Home

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with all of you about drinking and driving.
As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several drinks of Scotch followed by some rather nice red wine... a dry Chianti I think it was. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something that I've never done before, I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I'm not sure what to do with it.

I need a new therapist.

After a long session with my therapist describing all my various problems, she asked if I'd ever considered s**.... When I said no, she replied "Well, you should."

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said,
"I think I'm going to call it a day."

Mr Sine and Miss Cosine go on their honeymoon..

Mr Sine and Miss Cosine get married and head for their honeymoon to a seaside destination. So they're chilling by the beach, and sipping on their drinks, and things get naughty soon. During a l**... session on the beach, Sine whispers into Cosine's ear, "It's a good thing I'm not on top, or we'd both be tanned".

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch,...

... the psychiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

Johnny's parents hired a tutor to help him with statistics

after his first session with the tutor, his parents asked him how it went.
johnny said "well, today i learned that correlation is not equal to causation"
johnny's mother was pleased: "so hiring this tutor is really helping you understand statistics!?"
johnny responded "well, not necessarily."

In order to promote progress I think the next session of congress should be sent to the moon.

I just feel that they would make a greater impact.

I went to a blind tasting session the other day...

It was a waste of time, they tasted the same as people who can see.

Art of Living

Husband comes home from ART OF LIVING session
He greets his wife and lifts her and carries her around the house with a smile
Wife is so surprised and she asked:
Did guruji preach something about being romantic today?
Husband said:
No guruji told us that
"we must carry our burden and sorrow with smile"

You can burn up to 150 calories through one vigorous session of m**......

Still got me kicked out of my weight watchers meeting though.

What's the difference between a take-out dinner and a make-out session?

How can you take something out you've never put in?

I need advice. I was whipping someone in a gimp mask during a b**... session, but when he took it off - it wasn't my husband.

Whoops, wrong sub.

An older woman's husband dies during a b**... session.

She decides to do something crazy with her life, and buys a Harley, gets a few tattoos, and goes out in search of the h**...'s Angels.
When she finds them they give her an initiation test.
"You ever killed a man?" They ask.
"Yep" she says. "Killed my husband."
"You ever steal anything?" They ask.
"Oh all the time." She replies.
"You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
"Sure have, and strung up by my n**...".

What is the best part about a p**... dying in the middle of your session?

The next hour is free.


The nuns at the local convent had their daily annoucement session.
The mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious
frown on her face. She began to speak...
Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here, yesterday.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men's underwear.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And I also found a c**....
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And it has been used!
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!
1 nun: Oh, No!
99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!.....

Beef Jerky

After a session of jerky, my meat gets really dry.
(My 13 year old son told this to my 23 year old son this morning at Christmas breakfast.)

Mr Sessions... Do you swear to give the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?


Life can be frustrating....

More frustrating than having Micheal J. Fox across the table from you during an Ouija board session.

Yesterday, both houses of Congress met to debate legalizing m**....

It was a joint session.

We're throwing my dad a surprise party... celebrate his last PTSD counselling session.

"Mr. Sessions, thank you for agreeing to testify before us today. Could you please tell us, what did you discuss with the Russian ambassador?"

"Our grandchildren."

Shark Week

I just got a notice from our cable provider about Shark Week.
Isn't that when Congress goes back in session?

100 nuns are in a prayer session.

After the session ends, the head nun stands up and addresses the nuns.
"There was a man in the convent last night," she says.
99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
"We found a c**... in the garden," the head nun continues.
Again, 99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
"There was a hole in that c**...."
99 nuns chuckle, while one gasps.

A man is having a session with his therapist.

Therapist: One of your biggest problems is changing the subject all the time.
Man: No I don't.
Therapist: Denial.
Man: Thats a river in Africa.

Soviet Economics

1980s. Soviet Economy minister is making speech at Communist Party session:
- According to latest statistics, our incomes rose 20%, our quality of life rose 30% and our buying economic power rose 40%
From the audience: That's great that YOURS did, but what about OURS??

My parents and I came to the US from Germany when I was a little girl.

They didn't speak much English, but were experienced educators back home. One winter, they decided to open a tutoring/ study session program to help students stay productive and focus over the break. It wasn't until after a flood of angry phone calls and visitors that we realized that "Concentration Camp" was not an ideal program name.

I got kicked out of my Southern Baptist bible study group

We were wrapping up today's session and our teacher asked the class what type of gun Jesus would have were he around today.
Apparently nail gun was not the right answer

Which Star Wars character would always sneak off set for a cheeky m**... session?

Obi Wan Kernobi.

Thai Massage

A guy during his vacation to Thailand, ordered a massage session in his room, one for his wife and one for him.
After massaging the man for a long time, the Thai girl said, "Massage Pinis... Sir!"
He kept quiet ...
The Thai masseuse again said, "Massage Pinis... Sir!"
There was again silence.
Finally his wife spoke, "Don't have high hopes...She's saying 'Massage Finish' ..."

Why does Chris Hemsworth make a point of stretching after every gym session?

Because when you train hard, you get Thor!

A r**... victim went to see a Psychotherapist. She left the building running and screaming before her session.

The sign on the door said;

A boxer loses his sight in a freak accident.

Not being able to compete again, all he can do now is training with his loyal training partner and hitting the bag. Since he can't see, he is required to remember and move only a certain amount of steps (both forward and backwards) to keep the distance. Suddenly his partner stops the session and the boxer asks why they stopped. His partner says: we stopped because you messed up the punch line.

Court session...

Prosecutor: did you commit the m**...
Accused: no
Prosecutor: do you know what the penalty is for lying in court?
Accused: much less than m**...

A man goes to see his priest about his hearing...

The priest calls on the congregation for an all night extensive prayer session. They pray and sing and ask God to heal the man's hearing. Quite tired from the all night Affair, the priest visits the man the next day. Did our prayers help your hearing he asked? Oh no, the man said the hearing is not until next week.

2 psychiatrists have just made love in a long deeply passionate session when....

One says to the other, "that was good for you. How was it for me?"

What do you call a phone conversation with a friend where they narrate your urination session?

A VOIP Call.

My wife and I went to see a Psychologist.

She told the doctor about our son's hallucinations. He sees imaginary people all the time.
The doctor prescribed her pills and pulled me into a corner. "Divorce her through my wife's firm and I will count today's session FREE" were the words that came out of his mouth, explaining that she was hallucinating that we had a son. If only I was married...

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know, but times up, we can discuss it at your next session.

It's such a shame about tomorrow's session on Prophecies

It got cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.

I was attending a spoken word session. When the performer finished, it was dead silent.

Then I said, Oh snap .

My therapist just told me that I am too obsessed with Vengeance.

We will see about that, you have my word
I told him as our session ended.

I'm inviting everyone reading this, to join me in a session to think about Stephen King's iconic shape-shifting clown.

Come to think of it.

I'm so get at s**......

that after every session, my wife has to go in the bathroom and turn on her electric massager. I think its because of her bad back?

As the p**... finished her session, she said,

It was a business doing pleasure with you.

I was at this girls house and we were having a particularly zesty session on her kitchen table. She heard a noise out front and she says, "Oh no! It's my husband! Quick, the back door!!"

In hindsight, I should've ran, but you don't get an offer like that every day.

"Grandma, if you can hear us, show us a sign"

until 2019 : Spiritism session.
2020 : Skype call session.

Obgyn Assistant

A guy is looking for a job and sees an application for an obstetrical assistant who has to trim patients "private parts" and rub oil there in preparation for the session. He tells the officer, "I'd like to apply for that one" and the officer says he has to go up to Sudbury. (Way the h**... up north!)
What? The job's in Sudbury he asks?
No, it's here. That's just the end of the line.

A couple are having marital difficulties,

...and the wife suggests they see a marriage counsellor.

At their first session the counsellor asks the couple to explain to each other how they feel about their marriage.

The wife says: We are at a crossroads. To the left is bitterness, resentment, divorce and a life of unhappiness. To the right is reconciliation, love and lifelong happiness.

The husband says: I think you'll find that's a T-junction.

I just got back from my first session at the Bird Psychologist

He comes highly recommended, but the tweetment won't be cheep.

Sad after the f**... of a friend, my wife and I ducked into a Chinese restaurant for a pick-me-up.

The feel-good session ended when I read the fortune cookie: You will soon be reunited with a good friend.

Two condoms are walking through town one night looking for a decent bar for a drinking session

As they walk past a gay bar one turns to the other and says
"How about this place, we can get proper s**...-faced"

A couple is having a marriage counseling session.

The husband said my wife keeps referencing star wars! I cant take it anymore! And storms out of the room.
The wife replied divorce is strong with this one.

a man was in court, as he was accused of cannibalism…

The Jury was bought by the accusers claims and was ready for the session to be over, however due to formalities the judge was obligated to allow the dfendant one last shot.
His lawyer, realizing the terrible situation, stared at the judge with an intent look and said, If you are what you eat, my client is in fact an innocent man

President Biden has called for full legalization of m**...

Now it is up to Congress to hold a joint session.

A woman walks into a tattoo shop...

After her session, she lifts her shirt.
Woman: "I trust these will cover it?"
Artist: "Wh-what are you doing?"
Woman: "I'm paying you."
Artist: "I'm confused."
Woman: "You know? t**... for tat."

A guy goes to a hypnotherapist

- How much for a session?
- 1000$
- Oh, that way too much!
- This is not expensive at all
- This is not expensive at all, this is not expensive at all…

Rich Twocock went to the court to change his name.

He filled up all necessary forms and gave a lengthy explanation about how everybody tell jokes about his name, including his family members and friends. The judge finally accepted his request and at the end of the interview session asked him: what other name do you want to have ?
He answered: I want to become Eric Twocock.

Session joke, Rich Twocock went to the court to change his name.

jokes about session