service Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious service stories

What are the best Service puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Service? Well here is a complete list of Service to have fun with:

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,

Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.

Sincerely, your service provider.

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How to win the war on drugs

1) legalize all drugs.
2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.

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During a funeral...

The pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

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Two lesbians named Rachel walk in to a wedding cake shop...

To plan for their upcoming nuptials. After learning that the cake will be for their own wedding, the baker refuses service. Offended, the couple can't believe the guy is so opposed to gay marriage we won't even bake a cake. The baker replies, "No no I'm fine with gay marriage-- I just can't support inter-Rachel marriage."

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A drill instructor was yelling at a new recruit

He was all up in this guy's face, their noses less than an inch apart.

He screamed at the recruit, "You hate me don't you?!?"
The recruit responded as calmly as possible, "Sir, no sir."
The instructor yelled back, "You're going to piss on my grave if you outlive me, aren't you?!?"
The recruit retorted, "Sir, no way. When I get out of the service, I will not fucking wait in line for anything! Sir."

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An Elderly Couple

An elderly couple Pauline & Frank were recently attending a church service at their retirement village.

About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Frank.

The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

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What's the best dating service in India?

Connect the dots.

(I'll see my self out.)

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Bartering Australian style

This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of VB beer cheap at the local supermarket.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home.
I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of bevvy, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, her bra-less tits nigh on falling out her skimpy top, and said in a sexy voice,
"I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" ...

I thought for a few seconds and asked,
"What kind of beer 'ya got?"

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Morning coffee in a US government job . . .

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now."

"Our normal hours are from 8 am to 4 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10 am and plan on starting at 10 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8 am to 4 pm, why don't you want me here until 10 am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
So no point in your coming in for that."

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Kanye West shows up at Neil Armstrong's memorial service...

and says "Imma let you finish, but Micheal Jackson had one of the best moon walks of ALL TIME"

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Forgiving Your Enemies

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," she replied.
"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:
"I outlived the bitches."

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Barack Obama was out jogging one day...

When he tripped, and fell over a bridge railing and landed in the river below. Before secret service could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted in return for saving his life. The first kid said, "I want to go to Disney world!" To which Obama replied, "not a problem, I'll even fly you there in Air Force one." The second kid then says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's!" "You got it." Said Obama. "I'll even have Michael Jordan himself sign them." Then the third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in big screen tv and headset." Obama seemed a bit confused at this. "You don't look like yore handicapped." He said. To which the kid replied, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning.

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Bear Removal Service

A man in northern Minnesota woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof. He looked in the Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there was an ad for "Up North Bear Removers." He called the number listed and the bear remover said he'd be over within an hour.

The bear remover arrived, and got out of his van. He had a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12 gauge shotgun, and a mean looking, heavily scarred old pit bull.

"What are you going to do.?" the homeowner asked.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go
up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and
not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the
cage in the back of the van."

He then handed the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun
for?" the homeowner asked.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, you shoot the dog."

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After being married for 30 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife ...... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks .... "What the hell does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous and Hot".

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

Memorial Service will be held Tuesday afternoon.

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Eve said to Adam.

The Jones are your average couple. They go to work, watch the news over dinner, and go to church every Sunday.

Lately, Mr. Jones has been falling asleep during the sermons. This concerns Mrs. Jones as she finds it disrespectful of the pastor and of herself.

So, one Sunday, Mrs. Jones goes up to the pastor after service is over and asks for advice.

"Father," she says, "my husband keeps falling asleep during your wonderful sermons. I'm very troubled by this behavior."

"I have noticed this, my child." He responds.

"Is there anything we can do to keep him from setting a bad example?" Mrs. Jones asks.

The father ponders for moment, and is suddenly struck with divine inspiration. "I've got it!" He says as he runs to his office. Moments later, he returns with a safety pin. "Take this pin, my child, and keep it with you during service."

Mrs. Jones takes the pin and asks, "What will this do to help?"

The father replies, "As I am on the podium, I can see whenever your husband begins to nod off. When I notice this happening, I'll make a motion." He moves his hands in a broad sweeping gesture. "I want you to give him a poke in his side when you see me make this gesture. He will wake up but no one will know that he was ever asleep!"

"Wonderful, father! Thank you so much!" And with that, Mrs. Jones went home, excited for the next sermon.

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The following Sunday, the Mr. and Mrs. Jones head to church. The sermon begins and, like clockwork, Mr. Jones begins to nod off only minutes later.

The pastor, noticing this, asks to the congregation, "And who is our Lord and Savior?" He motions with his hands, Mrs. Jones pokes her husband with the pin, and he jumps to his feet exclaiming "JESUS CHRIST!!!"

"Correct, my child!" The father says while smiling at Mrs. Jones.

Mr. Jones sits back down feeling sore and listens to the sermon. But, only fifteen minutes later, he's nodding off again.

The pastor notices and asks the congregation, "Who is the divine will and creator of life?" He motions with his hands, Mrs. Jones jabs her husband, and he jumps up screaming "GOD IN HEAVEN!!!"

"I am happy to see such enthusiasm!" The pastor says.

Mr. Jones returns to his seat and is now suspicious of what's going on. He focuses as hard as he can on the sermon while checking over his shoulder every so often.

The congregation, perhaps encouraged by the 'enthusiasm' of Mr. Jones, is getting quite engaged with the sermon, and the pastor is feeling extra Godly. He's gone completely off his notes and is giving a riling sermon, perhaps his best in years! The congregation is cheering and clapping and singing, and the pastor is so involved and fired up that Mrs. Jones can't tell when he's signaling her or not. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, she still keeps stabbing her husband every time she thinks the pastor is motioning to her.

In this midst of this uproar, the pastor exclaims to the crowd, "And what did Eve say to Adam as she bared him their 99th child?!?" He motions with his hands, Mrs. Jones stabs her husband, and he leaps to his feet shouting "YOU STICK THAT GODDAMNED THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME AND I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!!!"

"Correct!" Shouts the pastor.

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Graveyard shortcut

A man's car breaks down in the middle of the night. He knows the area well and realizes that the quickest way to the nearest service station is through an old graveyard.

He's walking along the headstones when in the distance he hears a faint tapping noise. As he gets deeper into the graveyard, the eerie tapping gets louder and louder. He very anxiously turns a corner and sees the source of the tapping is an old man with a hammer and chisel, hunched over a headstone.

Relief washes over him and he says, "I was beginning to freak out because of that noise. I thought this place might have been haunted. What on earth are you doing here so late at night anyway?"

The old man merely continues chiseling and says "They spelled my name wrong."

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Beer

This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of "Bud Light" cheap.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"


I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"

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An old man hires a hooker.NSFW

That will be 100 dollars an hour she said, fine, replies the old guy.
They went to a motel and he grabs her and starts fucking her real hard for 10 minutes.
When he was done he told the girl: Once is an hour of your service you have to help me for a second round, fine she said, what do I have to do?

You have to grab my dick with both hands while I take a 10 minute nap.
Ok, she replies.

After the 10 minutes he wakes up and starts pumping like a champ.

10 minutes later he finish and tells the girl to grab his dick again.

Woke up again and the same procedure takes place.

At the end of the hour the girl says to the old guy:

That was one of the best jobs I have done sir, how did you lasted so long?

Oh! He said, I took a couple of Viagras.

So why did you asked me to grab your dick with both hands while you where sleeping?

That way you won't steal my wallet, bitch.

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Free Haircuts

One day, a florist went to a barber shop to get his hair cut. After the barber was finished, the florist went to pay, but the barber said, "No, this one's on the house, I'm doing the community a service this week and giving free haircuts." The next morning, the barber comes to work to find a handwritten thank you note from the florist along with a dozen roses. Later, a policeman came into get his hair cut. When the officer went to pay, the barber once again refused payment. The next morning, the barber came to work to find another thank you note along with a dozen donuts. That afternoon, a congressman came to get a haircut. Again, when the congressman attempted to pay, the barber told him there would be no charge. The following day, the barber once again arrived to a surprise at work. This time a dozen congressmen had lined up to get their free haircuts.

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The usher in church greets one of their members...

and says "Welcome! You need to join the army of the Lord!"

The member says,"I am in the Lord's army".

The usher asked,"Then why do I only see you on Christmas and Easter?"

The member leaned over and whispered,"I'm in the Secret Service."

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Frenchman in a hotel.

A french man calls the room service and asks for some "pepper".

"Well ... would you like some white pepper or black pepper?" asks the receptionist.

"Toilet pepper."

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A funeral rerun . . .

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

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How national weather service predicts weather.

It was autumn, and the Red Indians asked their New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,' the weather man responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Is it going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied,
'It's definitely going to be a very cold winter.'
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Red Indians are collecting wood like crazy.'

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The CEO of AT&T just got married...

The service was okay, but the reception was terrible.

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I called my girlfriends cell phone and some other guy answered the phone...

He told me that my phone number was no longer in service and to call the phone company to pay my bill.

First she cheats on me and then she tells him about my financial troubles!

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Two black eyes

A friend of mine was walking out of church service and I noticed he had two black eyes. I asked what happened. "Well, he said, "I was sitting behind Mrs. Brown, you know, the large woman with all those grandkids; the one that always dresses real fancy. Well, I noticed her dress had accidently got tucked in, well, you know... her back side, between her cheeks. So, I pulled it out and she punched me."

"How did you get the second black eye?"

"Well, I figured if that made her so upset, I'd better try and put it back."

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An Englishman went on a business trip to Japan...

When he got there, he stayed in a nice hotel and decided to call a prostitution service. Not knowing a single word of Japanese, it was he struggled with the ordering process.

When the girl finally arrived, they stripped down and get down to business... They were having a blast and the girl kept screaming **"Machigatta ana, Machigatta ana..!!"** Deciding that it was a sign that the girl was pleasantly satisfied, he thought nothing of it and continued all night long.

The next morning, the Englishman went and have a round of golf with his Japanese business partner. His business partner swung first.... **BAM!** **Hole in one!**

"Nice shot my friend, machigatta ana..." said the Englishman

Looking puzzled, his business partner replied

"That shot was perfect... but what do you mean 'wrong hole'?"

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Coyote Problem

The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive; the males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population would be controlled.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, an old boy in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!"

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I'm not trying to say that the customer service in my bank is bad...

But when i went in the other day, and asked the clerk to check my balance... she leaned over and pushed me.

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whats the secret service of Australia called?

M8

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Mary Clancy

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service and she's in tears.Β 

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary, my dear?"Β 

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."Β 

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"Β 

She says, "That he did, Father."Β 

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"Β 

She says, "He said, please Mary, put down that damn gun..."Β 

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A man awakens to find a gorilla in his tree...

So he looks in the phone book and finds the Gorilla Removal Service.

After waiting some time, a van pulls up. The removal technician climbs out carrying a stick, a shotgun and a Chihuahua.

He tells his client, "Okay how this works is I climb into the tree with the gorilla, poke him with this stick and when he jumps down the Chihuahua is trained to grab him by the penis and carry him into my truck."

The man immediately responds, "Okay, so what is the shotgun for?"

Tech, "Shoot the Chihuahua if I fall from the tree before the gorilla."

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How many Dell Service Reps does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know, I am on hold.

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Liars

A preacher finished the service one morning by saying, Next Sunday, I'm going to preach on the subject of Liars. As a preparation for my sermon, I would like you all to read Mark 17.

On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin. Looking out at the congregation he said, Last week I asked you all to read Mark 17. If you have read the chapter, please raise your hand. Nearly every hand in the congregation went up.

Smiling, the preacher said, You are the very people I want to talk to. Mark only has 16 Chapters.

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[text] The mechanic and the heart surgeon

A heart surgeon took his car to his local garage for a regular service, where he usually exchanged a little friendly banter with the owner, a skilled but not especially wealthy mechanic.

"So tell me," says the mechanic, "I've been wondering about what we both do for a living, and how much more you get paid than me.."

"Yes?.." says the surgeon.

"Well look at this," says the mechanic, as he worked on a big complicated engine, "I check how it's running, open it up, fix the valves, and put it all back together so it works good as new.. We basically do the same job don't we? And yet you are paid ten times what I am - how do you explain that?"

The surgeon thought for a moment, and smiling gently, replied,"Try it with the engine running.."

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A priest, a monk, and a rabbi...

...all meet up for lunch after service. The priest ask how they divvy up their pay from the collections.

The priest says "I draw a circle, stand in the middle and throw everything up in the air. Whatever lands in the circle god has chosen for me to keep and everything outside goes to charitable work and expenses. "
The monk was fascinated and says "I do the same thing. Only difference is I keep everything that goes outside of the circle and use what's in the circle for the church."
The rabbi is taken back. "You know what?! I do the EXACT same thing. I throw all the money in the air and whatever stays in the air God has chosen to use for the church and whatever hits the ground is mine to keep."

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The Club of People That Made Things That Plug Into Computers

There is a prestigious and hard-to-get-into club of people who invented things that plug into computers, like the USB, HDMI, ethernet and so on. This club meets regularly but then, after a few years, the inventor of the USB died. It was a very sad time, but they held a beautiful funeral service for him. The other club members served as pallbearers and lowered the coffin into the grave. Then, they lifted it up again, turned it 180 degrees...

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My Pope joke effort

Tried to buy some of the second hand stuff the Pope's selling on Vatican eBay but the payment service is down. Fucking Papal.

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What do you call an Indian dating service?

Connect the dots.

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The man with no enemies.

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"Β  Almost everyone held up their hands, but some were hesitant.

So the minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.

"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he repliedΒ gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual.Β  How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. TheΒ 
congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"So, Mr. Barnes, would you pleaseΒ  come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down theΒ  aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced theΒ congregation, and said simply, I outlived all them assholes!"

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Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?

Great service but no atmosphere.

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a penguin is driving through Texas when ...

... his car engine suddenly sputters and dies. close to a service station, he uses his momentum to roll up in front of the garage. he hops out and asks the mechanic to have a look. the mechanic obliges and says "give me 15 minutes". it being a hot day in Lubbock (naturally), the penguin gravitates to the baskin robbins across the street to get a vanilla ice cream. not having lips, the little guy enjoys his ice cream greatly but makes a bit of a mess, getting ice cream all over himself. after finishing, he walks back across the street to the service station. the mechanic says to him "looks like you blew a seal." the penguin replies, "oh no, that's just ice cream!"

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What's India's most popular dating service?

Connect the Dots.

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Three men are at church. One of them is a union worker.

Three men are in Church one Sunday morning, one of them belongs to the local union. Before the service they complain amongst themselves of their various ailments and injuries.

Jesus hears them, and he appears before these gentlemen. "Tell me your troubles my children."

"Lord. I can not stand up straight or go a day without pain, thanks to a back injury i suffered years ago." The first man says.

"Be healed, Child." Jesus says. The man immediately stands stall and does jumping jacks, feeling true relief.

"Lord, I can barely see. I was blinded by a flash-bang in Iraq, I need these thick glasses just to function." The second man says. Jesus takes his glasses away and they crumble into fine powder. the man can see with perfect 20-20 vision.

The union worker, seeing this, shouts "Don't touch me! I'm on permanent disability!"

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A blonde joke

A blonde goes to the store to return her TV she just bought. She takes it to the customer service desk and tells the employee that her TV is defective and would like to return it for a working model.
The employee looks at her and says "I'm sorry but we do not serve blondes".
The lady comes back to the next day wearing a brown wig and attempts to return her TV. The salesman looks at her and says "I'm sorry but we don't serve blondes here."
The Lady comes back again the next day with a black wig and attempts to return her TV. The salesman says the same thing "I'm sorry but we do not serve blondes here."
Confused, the lady asks how the salesman knew she was a blonde with the wig.
The salesman replies "This is a microwave".

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Two brothers are discussing the details of their father's funeral

The first one is trying to arrange everything himself, because he knows that the other one is pretty dim and sure to mess something up in some way.

The dim brother insists that he won't. Finally the first brother relents and gives him a small task: "Just make sure dad looks nice for the service."

The day of the service arrives and everything goes off without a hitch. The first brother congratulates the dim one on a job well done.

A month after the service, the first brother receives a bill for $200 from the funeral home. He assumes it was a missed cost and sends the money.

Another month goes by, and again he receives a bill for $200. Thinking something must be wrong, he calls the funeral home and asks why he's being charged another $200.

The funeral home director replies, "Well, your brother was insistent on your father looking nice for the funeral, so he rented him a tux!"

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I don't know where else to put this...

Back in the mid 80's when I was taking an EMT course to volunteer on the local ambulance service we were in the middle of a class on bodily fluids and gloves and masks.
During the lecture, the instructor asked us "Do you know what the first sign of A.I.D.S is?". It being a new thing back then we didn't really have any answers. After a few minutes he advised us that "It is a pounding sensation in your ass".

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For your consideration: A historical, circular triple entendre

Why did the Queen join the Navy after making herself breakfast in bed?

Because she was impressed by Her Service.

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A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton...

A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper "Black pepper, or white pepper? " asked the concierge. "Toilette pepper! "

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"tastes like shrimp"

So my first summer job was at the local funeral home. The first body I had to prepare for a service was a middle aged woman who had been found floating in the bay. Her body was severely bloated from being in the water as long as she was. Upon further inspection I had found a large shrimp halfway lodged in her vagina. I notified the funeral director about the odd discovery. He informed me that it was not a jumbo shrimp but instead it was her clitoris, and it had been swollen due to the drowning just like the rest of her body. I contested the fact that it was indeed a large crustacean. He quickly became irritated as to why I would continue to argue this fact. I was fired immediately after I replied

"Well it tasted like shrimp"

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best service jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty service gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these service jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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